Work Text:
“I borrowed a car,” Magnus says on the other end of the line.
Alec holds his phone tucked between his ear and his shoulder as he packs his desk into a copy paper box — and even that, he realizes, is still too big. Surely he’d accumulated more … stuff (trinkets and toys and the like that he sees all over the desks of others but that he has never seen the need for himself) … over the past several years of working for his parents’ company?
For a fraction of a second he wonders if he’s about to make a colossal mistake.
“For what? Did you wreck yours?” He asks and stands straight again, one hand on his hip as the other holds his phone to his ear once more. He takes advantage of the moment to look around his now-bare office as he listens to Magnus.
“No, I did not wreck my car, Alexander. I’m taking a road trip in a truly magnificent vintage Porsche circa the James Dean era.” Magnus answers and Alec raises his eyebrows and gestures with the hand on his hip, looking for an explanation as to why before realizing that sometimes Magnus’ reason isn't a why so much a why not?
“A road trip?” Alec repeats instead, doing his best to hide the intrigued note in his voice at the description of the car as he sits in his chair, thumb running along the side of his middle finger. “Sounds fun.”
“I was hoping you’d say that,” Magnus’ voice holds a lighter tone than before. It’s subtle, but it’s there, and Alec knits his brow together. “The Pacific Coast Highway is beautiful this time of year.”
“What brought this on?” He finally asks and it seems like an obvious question to Alec, even if Magnus is always off on one adventure or another. It’s what had led to him moving from Brooklyn to San Diego not quite two years ago.
Magnus doesn’t answer right away, but when he does his voice is lower. It’s not a whisper, but it doesn’t hold the same flair as it normally does, and it’s a change Alec hasn’t foreseen and doesn’t completely understand, knows there is more behind it than Magnus will let on now.
“Does it matter?” Magnus asks and then stays silent for a moment, unsure if he’s waiting for Alec to fill in the silence between them before he inhales and continues. “Anyway, just come out to Cali and come with me.”
“You say that like I can just walk into my mother’s office and say ‘hey, mom, I’m going to need a month off’,” Alec glances sideways at the box sitting on his desk.
Magnus doesn’t need to know about this turn of events yet, especially since Alec hasn’t even broken the news to his mother.
“Just —” Magnus pauses again and Alec is certain he can hear the subtle sound of an exhale on the other end of his cell phone. “ — come with me. Please?”
It’s Alec’s turn to not answer right away, giving Magnus the impression that he’s considering it, even if he’s had his mind made up since Magnus mentioned borrowing a 1950’s era Porsche. “On one condition.”
“Name it,” Magnus doesn’t even hesitate. He doesn’t care how potentially ludicrous of a request it is, even if it is Alec and he can’t help but be rational and sensible. It’s an adorable fault, really.
“I do all the driving.”
Magnus rolls his eyes and is grateful that Alec can’t see it. It’s as if Alec doesn’t trust his driving abilities ever since he had accidentally — and barely — tapped a guard rail the last time he had driven them anywhere. But he doesn’t bring it up. Instead he just swirls the drink in his hand in its glass and shrugs.
“Done.”
—
“What has gotten into you, Alec?” Maryse Lightwood asks as she looks once more at Alec as he stares out of the office’s large floor to ceiling windows over the city below him.
If Alec wants to be honest with himself, the meeting with his mother to tender his resignation has gone much smoother than he had imagined. His mother had hardly reacted at all — unless you count the silence and the look of complete disapproval and disappointment that she had fixed him with.
Then again, Alec thinks, maybe that's worse. The look speaks volumes and is clear in its meaning, but the silence … Alec isn't sure how to completely interpret it. Maryse is fond of reminding him that, as the oldest, it's his responsibility, his duty even, to one day assume ownership of the business and the fact she isn't yet shouting this for the entirety of New York to hear either gives way to how stunned she is or is hiding a rage that hasn't bubbled up to the surface just yet.
And Alec used to follow the carefully crafted path that his mother and father had laid before him, but now he just … wants more. He can’t quantify what more is exactly — it’s an all encompassing feeling, the kind that both overwhelms and excites, makes Alec’s mind wander and think of what could be instead of just what is.
“I just need something different,” Alec answers as he slides his hands into his pockets, tries to keep his mind here, in the present, in his mother’s office, instead of thinking that he can almost see the California coastline, can hear the hum of a fully restored vintage engine as he shifts gears, can feel Magnus’ laughter in the passenger seat beside him.
Alec can hear the soft drumming of fingers against a desk and turns just briefly to see his mother, contemplating her options, the look on her face the exact same look she always wore when teaching him to play chess and about business strategy, how to look at the whole picture and not just what happens to be right in front of you — a million and one ways to beat your opponent, he thinks.
Alec turns back to stare out the windows as Maryse speaks. “You have enough personal time accrued to take an extended, paid, leave of absence.”
Personal time that I never take because someone has to run the company on a day to day basis, Alec thinks. He knows the game his mother is playing, had predicted in each and every scenario he’d run through in his head over the past several weeks that she would suggest the leave of absence, it’s the only way she believes that she can give Alec what she thinks he wants — time away — and maintain the absolutely perfect plan that she and his father have devised to ensure that their company stays in Lightwood hands.
“No,” Alec says calmly, a strong set to his shoulders. It’s only after several long moments of silence that Alec glances over his shoulder again. Seeing the twitch of his mother’s jaw gives him just enough time to brace for the inevitable tirade about honor and duty to family and what the Lightwood name means. He’s grown bored of even this, no longer feels his blood boil beneath his skin, no longer thinks that he’s not good enough because no matter what decision he makes — if he stays or if he goes — he knows that no one could meet their impossibly high expectations of him.
He waits until Maryse is finished and turns, looking at his mother with her hands on her hips and her glare icy, each breath measured, before he steps forward and sets his building access card on her desk. Alec meets her eyes and he can see the shock and disbelief, and maybe even a flash of anger — or maybe disappointment, they look so similar — in Maryse’s dark eyes, holding the gaze for just a moment longer before he starts for the door without saying another word.
“Alec where are you going?” It isn’t a question borne of concern. It’s a demand, one final attempt to reign control back in.
Alec is halfway across the expansive office when Maryse speaks, but doesn't stop, doesn't turn back to look at her. “California.”
“What is in California?” Maryse asks, not bothering at all to hide her disgust for the west coast.
Alec pauses then, his hand resting on one handle of the double mahogany doors that separate Maryse’s office from the rest of the company’s space.
“Or, better yet, who is in California?” Maryse folds her arms across her chest and her voice is ice cold when she speaks.
Alec and Magnus have been friends since college, and Alec has been in love with him for almost as long, a fact that Maryse likes to sweep under the rug and pretend isn't true while simultaneously seething with hatred for Magnus because she doesn’t think he could ever be good enough for Alec, would just break Alec’s heart because he’s somehow lesser than.
And Alec is tired — so tired — of holding back from having what he wants (or at least exploring the possibility of having it) because of his mother’s opinion.
Alec only grins smugly as he pushes through the doors and out of the office.
He doesn't look back.
—
It’s the quietest his apartment has been in months. There’s no music to fill the large, open space — though not for lack of availability. Magnus has a vast and eclectic music collection, ready and waiting on his phone to fill the silence. But for once Magnus is content to sit in his living room, a glass of wine in hand, and look out at the lights of the bay in the distance.
It’s been less than 48 hours since Magnus had put an end to the relationship. He closes his eyes and realizes that he should miss the sound of charango music floating through the apartment, that he should miss Imasu being here with him. But he had wanted more than Magnus had been willing to give (no, scratch that, Magnus silently corrects himself) had been able to give.
Magnus knows he should feel at least a little heartbroken about his breakup. He knows that he should take some time to … heal? Is that it? … but Magnus has never been good about doing things he should do, has always done exactly what he has wanted to do, what he feels is right, and to hell with what he should do or how he is supposed to feel.
He settles down into the cushions and leans his head against the back of the couch as he closes his eyes. Maybe he isn’t supposed to let his mind wander, should instead let the silence center him and ground him to the present, but Magnus does let his mind wander — straight to Alec. Magnus isn’t sure quite when they started this slow, intricate dance around each other, sometimes with more distance between them than dance partners should have, sometimes dancing closer and closer, but never actually coming together.
It’s maddening, absolutely infuriating, and yet Magnus is addicted to it, can’t give it up no matter how hard he tries, no matter how many times he tells himself that he will not compete for Alec’s affections again, that he will (finally) move on.
Except for the minor, trivial detail that Alec stole his heart ages ago and has never given it back. And really how can he possibly move on when he can’t or, better yet, doesn’t want to give himself fully to anyone else?
Magnus doesn’t know what he had been thinking when he had called Alec earlier. He had been hopeful, but had never expected that Alec would agree to accompany him and was admittedly stunned when he had. Regardless, Magnus is happy that he had called Alec since he had been meaning to for longer than he cares to admit. There’s just something about Alec — his stable, familiar presence — that wraps around him so pervasively that Magnus can’t help but feel steady and grounded by him.
Beside him, Magnus’ phone begins to buzz and Call Me Maybe tugs him out of his thoughts.
He opens his eyes and glances down, the corners of his mouth turning up in a slow grin. He hits the green button to accept and holds the phone to his ear.
“I was just thinking about you, Alexander.”
“Um … good? I guess?” Alec says on the other end and Magnus can almost see the slight shrug of his shoulders and the half squint of an eye.
“Well it’s certainly not bad,” Magnus’ tone is light as he swirls his wine around in the glass. “What’s up?”
“I was just wondering how far you wanted to go with this?”
“How far am I allowed to go with it?” Magnus teases.
“Magnus …”
“Really, Alexander, there are several ways I could answer that question. You’ll need to be more specific.”
“The road trip, Magnus,” Alec breathes out in exasperation though Magnus detects a hint of a smirk in his tone. “Did you just want to drive up the California coast? Did you want to go through Oregon and Washington, or do you want to go all the way into British Columbia?”
“I do love going all the way,” Magnus answers casually.
“British Columbia it is then,” Alec says a little too loudly, trying his best to try and ignore the heat in his cheeks from the blush he can feel slowly working its way from his neck to the tips of his ears. Magnus’ free use of teasing and innuendos has always drawn this reaction from him, but Alec can’t remember having felt as flustered as he feels right now.
“Oh?” Magnus perks slightly, his eyebrows slightly raising. “Does this mean your lovely mother granted you that month of vacation you asked for?”
Alec rolls his eyes slightly. There’s no love lost between his mother and Magnus, though to his credit Magnus has always made every effort to be courteous and respectful to his mother — even if she doesn’t deserve it — and for that Alec is grateful.
“Um —” Alec starts and pauses, and though Magnus can’t see it, he reaches for the back of his neck, scratching his fingers along the hair at his nape. “ — not exactly. It’s … a bit more indefinite.”
Interesting, Magnus thinks as he sips his wine slowly. It’s a revelation as unexpected as Alec agreeing to travel along the Pacific coastline with him and Magnus wonders at the motives behind Alec’s sudden change (although with Alec nothing is ever really sudden, it just seems like it is). He decides against bringing up the topic tonight. They will have plenty of time ahead of them for Magnus to get to the heart of it.
And because Alec is a planner and needs to see the whole picture instead of just the here and now, their conversation — and evening — passes easily as they detail out their adventure. They plan to start in San Diego and drive all the way up through Vancouver to Whistler. Magnus makes Alec promise that there will not be any early starts to their day (Magnus needs his beauty sleep, after all), and Alec voluntarily adds that he will do his best to not plan the entire trip down to the minute, leaving room for potentially impromptu deviations from their main route, and Magnus wants to know who is on the other end of the line and what they’ve done with Alexander Lightwood.
“Okay, I just texted you my flight itinerary,” Alec says, bringing the phone back to his ear after fiddling around with sending the information to Magnus without hanging up the call.
Magnus pulls the phone from his ear as the phone buzzes against it and sees the flight schedule flash bright on his screen. He reads over it quickly. “I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he says as he puts the phone back to his ear.
“Yeah,” Alec nods and leans back against his couch, absently working his thumb over his middle finger again. He swallows around the lump that’s settled in his throat, his voice lower when he finds it next. “It’s been too long, Magnus.”
“I know,” Magnus stands and goes to the windows that overlook San Diego. It’s a beautiful city, though Magnus has been wary of referring to it as home. But maybe, just maybe, he can start to once Alec joins him. “Just one more sleep, Alec.”
The thought fills Alec with a warmth and an excitement he doesn’t recall ever feeling at the same time before. He doubts highly that he will actually sleep, though he’s determined to try. “Magnus?”
“Yes, Alexander?”
“Don’t wreck the car on the way to pick me up.”
—
When Alec steps out of the airport the following day, Magnus is waiting for him, leaning up against the side of a shiny black 1956 Porsche Speedster, as subtly dressed as Alec has ever seen him in a white shirt and blue pants. His hair is styled but soft, and his make up isn’t as bold as it usually is. There’s just a hint of glitter along the line of black that lines both his top and bottom lashes. Alec’s eyebrows jut up and he brings his hand to his jaw, running it along his stubble as a physical reminder to himself that it’s impolite to stare with your mouth hanging open.
The car is beautiful too.
Magnus holds his hands out to the sides. “Well? What do you think?”
“It’s …” Alec starts and exhales as he forces himself to run his gaze along the car instead of giving Magnus a very slow once over. “… stunning, actually.” He brings a hand to his hip before looking at Magnus. “Who the hell lets someone borrow one of these?”
Magnus pushes away from the car and slides his hands into his pockets as he turns in toward Alec. “Ragnor’s a collector. He may or may not have agreed to let me use it when I was at his place the other night as a bribe to ‘go away and get my head right’.”
“Okay,” Alec half squints an eye, “what's going on?”
“I was seeing someone and now I’m not,” Magnus shrugs and waves a hand dismissively as he moves to the front, opening the hood for Alec to drop his duffle bag into it.
Alec stares for a moment as he takes in the single, large duffle bag and a smaller one beside it. He looks over at Magnus. “You packed light?”
“It wasn't easy deciding to only have one outfit per day to wear, I will have you know,” Magnus says indignantly as Alec settles his bag beside Magnus’ and closes the hood.
“Your sacrifice is duly noted,” Alec deadpans, doing his best to hide the mirth from his features as he holds his hand out for the keys.
“Still in the ignition,” Magnus nods to the car in response to Alec’s outstretched hand and unspoken question and goes to one side as Alec goes to the other.
Alec wants to take a moment to just sit and appreciate the car, the fact it looks like it’s in near mint condition, but the airport is busy and he doesn't want to waste more time. He’s also positive that Magnus has been parked there for far longer than he should have been, if the look on the traffic director’s face is any indication. He turns over the ignition, checks over his shoulder, and shifts gears to merge into traffic.
My hands wrapped around the stick shift
Swerving on the 405,
I can never keep my eyes
Off this
Alec shifts from first into neutral as the late afternoon traffic comes to a complete stop. Being stuck in rush hour traffic from San Diego up to Los Angeles isn’t exactly how Alec had envisioned starting the trip out, but it could always be worse, he thinks — he could be sitting in a stuffy office looking over expense reports, cost sheets, managing the goals of his sales team, and generally keeping everything together while his parents get all the credit.
Then again, when you book a flight at the last minute for an absolutely impromptu adventure, the ideal arrival times are already booked as a general rule.
The slow traffic also gives Alec the opportunity to steal quick side glances over at Magnus (who is currently frowning at something on his phone). It’s probably for the best that these small glances are all Alec can manage. He could easily get lost in the line of Magnus’ jaw, the length of his neck, the shape of his lips when he finally looks up from his phone and over at Alec.
He stares for almost too long before he forces himself to blink and turn his attention back to the traffic ahead of him. He releases the clutch and shifts back into first to creep just a little further along.
“There’s an accident a few miles up,” Magnus informs him and Alec can only nod. When Alec looks over again, Magnus is looking back at him from behind dark designer sunglasses. “This is the worst stretch. It should open up once we get past L.A.”
They fall back into silence for a bit, Alec forcing himself to focus on the road (and the never ending line of cars) in front of him and it’s Magnus’ turn to sit and observe. Magnus can’t recall Alec looking so tired before. He knows Alec will deny it, will say that he’s fine if pressed, but Magnus can see it in his eyes when they aren’t hidden behind his sunglasses, can tell in the set of his shoulders, knows by the way he rolls his head from side to side. It’s not an exhaustion that comes from lack of sleep; it’s the type that settles deep in your bones when you are always going, never stop to take a break.
“I had to guess on what sort of music you were into now,” Magnus says as he pulls up his Spotify app on his phone and then leans forward to rummage through his bag.
“We have no radio to listen to it on,” Alec shifts as traffic starts to gradually clear and he can speed up.
“Bluetooth speakers,” Magnus grins as he holds them in his hand. “Honestly, Alexander, your family owns a software company.”
Alec rolls his eyes but grins slightly. “It’s a software distribution company, not a developer.”
“No excuse,” Magnus teases easily. He glances out of the side of his eye as he gets the speakers turned on. He turns a few thoughts over in his head for a moment or two before deciding that now is as good a time as any to bring the subject up. “So how much vacation did you actually take for this?”
Alec darts his tongue quickly across his lips and Magnus forces himself to pull his eyes away, to not get drawn in even though he wants to get lost in his thoughts.
“None, actually,” Alec finally answers, “I resigned.”
Magnus raises his eyebrows in surprise. He could see that sort of move from Isabelle, or even Jace, but from Alec it’s not something he ever imagined he’d hear because Alec is loyal and dutiful to a fault sometimes. Magnus remembers them in college and Alec studying business management not because he had truly wanted to, but because he had to. But now he’s stunned and not sure what to make of this change for Alec. He knows it can’t have been an easy decision for Alec to come to, knows that it was likely weeks, maybe even months in the making since Alec does nothing impulsively, and he knows that he shouldn’t let himself feel even the slightest bit hopeful that Alec’s decision was made even in a small part by him asking Alec to come on this trip.
And yet Magnus can’t help but want to feel like maybe he’s part of the reason Alec has made such a huge change in his life.
“However will your dear mother survive?” Magnus asks instead of asking Alec why, turning instead to his tried and true method of deflecting his own feelings through wit and sarcasm as he sets the speakers down in the space between the seats.
“I don’t know. Probably drop a lot of my stuff onto Izzy.”
Magnus picks up on the slightly mournful tone in Alec’s voice. The other thing about Alec is that he can be incredibly self-sacrificing, takes things on himself so that others don’t have to bear such a huge burden. It’s both endearing and infuriating the lengths to which Alec will go to make others happy while pushing his own wants and happiness to the back burner.
“Not Jace?”
Alec laughs and shakes his head as he goes to change lanes. “God no. Jace and Simon are her top sales guys. They’re stuck with each other whether they like it or not.”
“I always thought that was an odd combination,” Magnus purses his lips together as he finds one of the playlists he’s created and puts it on shuffle and Sex by the 1975 pours from the speakers.
Alec drums his thumb against the steering wheel in time to the music. “Not so odd. Jace uses all of his charm to get the meeting and Simon tag teams with all of his product knowledge. No one in the sales department can touch them.”
He doesn’t realize that he’s started bobbing his head along with the music as well, but Magnus notices and slowly smirks. If he can get Alec Lightwood to come out of his tightly wound shell, he will consider this trip a success.
“What about you?”
“What about me?” Magnus turns his head to look at Alec, thankful that his sunglasses hide his wide eyed expression.
“Oh come on,” Alec downshifts as they run into another pocket of slow traffic. “You say you were in a relationship and now you’re not, Ragnor let you borrow a classic sports car to get away, you decided to go on a road trip at the spur of the moment, and if I recall when we first talked about this, you asked if it mattered like absolutely nothing mattered to you anymore.” Alec pauses and turns his head to Magnus. “What happened?”
Magnus shrugs and shakes his head. “Things ended because of my feelings for … someone else … that just … haven’t gone away,” he answers before turning away, reaching up to adjust his ear cuff.
Magnus doesn’t delve further, doesn’t tell Alec that none of this is due to being upset about his relationship being over, but rather because of what Magnus feels for him and the fact that nothing between them will ever become more than them being just friends. Ragnor had grown tired the other night when Magnus just wouldn’t stop coming back to it, tired enough to loan out a very nice, truly priceless car so Magnus could get away and clear his mind. He doesn’t ask Alec if anything truly matters in life if you can’t share it completely with the person you feel the most for.
He just turns his head away and focuses his attention off into the distance, wondering why he thought this was a great idea to begin with.
Alec watches as Magnus turns his head away, hears his words over and over again in his mind, and feels his heart drop into his stomach and his stomach seemingly fall out through the floorboards of the car as Camille’s face flashes into his memory. He doesn’t understand how Magnus can still have feelings for someone who so effortlessly shattered his heart and had seemed to enjoy it. Who still doesn’t see how badly she had broken him, still doesn’t understand how anyone can fall so deeply and so helplessly in love with another the way that Magnus had fallen for her.
And Alec doesn’t know if he can be there to pick Magnus up and put him back together when Camille breaks his heart again.
All we do is drive
All we do is think about the feelings that we hide
All we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign
Sick and full of pride
All we do is drive
—
When they get to Santa Monica the sun is just starting to set. Alec follows the directions given off by Magnus’ navigation app to the hotel they’re booked at just off the pier.
He hangs back in the lobby while Magnus checks in and finally pulls his phone out of his duffle bag. He realizes he hadn’t taken it out of airplane mode after getting off the plane and when he does he’s greeted with a string of text messages and voicemails, both from clients who aren’t aware that he’s no longer with the company and from Jace, Izzy, Lydia, and Max. Alec is a little surprised to not see anything from Clary or Simon, but the night is still young.
Alec replies to Jace, Izzy, and Max first. Lydia can wait until he settles in for the night but he needs to let his siblings know he’s arrived.
Alec is sliding his phone back into his duffle bag just as Magnus approaches him.
“Do you want the good news or bad news first?” Magnus asks and picks up his two bags.
“Um — give me the good news?” Alec adjusts his bag on his shoulder.
“The good news is that they aren’t so booked that we don’t have a room at all,” Magnus starts.
“Okay. What’s the bad news?”
“They overbooked their double rooms, so we’ve got one king sized bed to fight over.”
Alec feels his stomach do a somersault and his heart beats a little faster in his chest. He’s suddenly very warm, which he shouldn’t be considering the lobby’s air conditioning. He doesn’t see this as a bad development per se, but he can’t exactly say that.
He keeps his face neutral as he looks at Magnus and feigns a cough to clear the lump that’s settled in his throat. It’s a nice hotel, maybe they’ll have a couch in the room that he can sleep on.
“We’ll figure it out,” he says as he starts heading towards the elevator.
They’re quiet for part of the ride before Magnus looks over and notices how Alec can’t seem to look him in the eye, but instead keeps his eyes turned up to watch the elevator floor numbers counting up one by one.
He isn’t unhappy with the unexpected prospect of sharing a bed with Alec. He’s wanted to be able to wake up in Alec’s arms and feel Alec’s breath against his neck for years but he doubts that Alec will be comfortable with it. He will instead insist on being chivalrous and offering to sleep on the floor.
“So,” Magnus starts and moves closer to Alec as the elevator stops to let someone on and Magnus wonders if said person knows they’re going up and not down. “What do you want to do about dinner?”
Alec looks at him finally. “Actually I kind of wanted to check out the pier. I’ve never been.”
Magnus nods. “We can do that.”
Alec’s face splits into a wide smile, crinkling the corners of his eyes and Magnus feels the weight of the tension between them lift slightly. He doesn’t want the moment to end, doesn’t want the smile to disappear from Alec’s face. It’s real and unguarded, an expression that Alec doesn’t show to just anyone and makes him even more beautiful than Magnus thinks he already is.
Their bed situation gets slightly more complicated when they get to the room and find that not only is there no couch, there’s not even room for a cot to be brought up.
Alec stands at the foot of the bed with his hands on his hips, unconsciously pursing his lips as he thinks of what to do. Magnus stands with his arms folded over his chest and looks over at Alec with his eyebrow peaked. He can see the wheels in Alec’s head turning, sees Alec try to quickly work through every scenario possible until he sighs.
“I’ll have housekeeping bring up some extra pillows and blankets and just sleep on the floor,” he finally says and Magnus both loves and hates how predictable Alec is.
He rolls his eyes. “Alexander, honestly. I think we can manage to sleep in the same bed without anything happening.”
Alec’s neck and cheeks start to warm as he reaches back for the nape of his neck again, rubbing the muscles with firm pressure. Logically he knows that Magnus is right. It’s a bed. And they both have to sleep. They’re both grown adults so what is the problem, really? Except that Alec isn’t sure that he can keep himself from taking Magnus into his arms and pulling Magnus flush against his torso, nuzzling his nose against Magnus’ hairline, dropping small, light kisses along the back of Magnus’ neck.
“Yeah, you’re right. It’ll be fine,” he says after a moment when he notices Magnus looking at him curiously for what he realizes now is a prolonged silence and he can feel the moment his face changes from pink to red. Ugh, years of holding everything in and now you decide to be obvious? Smooth, Lightwood, he thinks and makes himself busy by moving his bag off to the side to keep it out of the way.
Let's go chasing stars this evening
Eyes wide shut, in fast cars dreaming
Oh oh we're tripping at the speed of light
Who thought this could be paradise
The Santa Monica Pier is bustling, even after the sun sets. Under any other circumstance, the sheer amount of people here would overwhelm Alec but he finds that tonight he doesn’t mind.
They pass by shops, boutiques, restaurants and a few night clubs as they slowly walk along. Alec’s gaze wanders across the pier taking it all in while Magnus watches and admires him. Magnus can’t help the slight smile as he notices Alec starting to relax. It’s just a slight bit, but it’s better than nothing at all. The ocean tends to have that affect, even with as busy as the pier still is this particular evening.
They talk as they wander along, Alec gesturing with his hands (and they are lovely hands, Magnus thinks) more and more freely as he catches Magnus up on everyone back in New York. Magnus has kept up with Izzy and Clary and their adventures all over the world through social media, but has never followed or friended Jace or Simon (though in Magnus’ defense, he really hadn’t known Simon well enough when he had left two years previously to really feel that keeping in touch was warranted.)
Without consciously being aware of it, they end up in line at one of the food trucks just outside the entrance to the amusement park. There are other, nicer restaurants around, restaurants that Magnus could likely charm his way into without having to be put on the waiting list, but tonight he’s determined to follow Alec’s lead. Besides, there’s something about a food truck that reminds him of being back in New York, not to mention that when they finally do get their food the street tacos are heavenly.
The amusement park’s roller coaster rattles by overhead as they finish their dinner and dispose of their trash and Magnus glances at Alec, a coy smirk tugging at his lips. “What do you say?”
Alec looks up at the roller coaster for a moment before looking at Magnus again. “You are not getting me on that after I just ate.”
Magnus playfully rolls his eyes. “My mother always used to preach waiting an hour after eating before swimming, but I have never heard such a rule for riding a roller coaster.”
“And my mother made sure that we avoided roller coasters at all costs,” Alec looks up at the coaster again, watches as the cars speed around a curve before plunging down another drop and he almost feels his stomach come up into his throat. “Eventually Izzy and Jace stopped listening to her but,” he shrugs, “I’ve never understood their appeal.”
“That’s absolutely tragic,” Magnus shakes his head and turns, beckoning for Alec to follow him. “Come on, we’re riding it.”
“Magnus, really, me not riding it isn’t going to be the end of the world.” Alec protests, but he follows along after Magnus anyway (just as Magnus knew he would), stands beside Magnus as he pays for two admissions.
“Don’t think about it as something to be avoided, Alexander,” Magnus turns to him. “Think of it like life. There’s ups and downs, some higher and lower than others. You have this track you’re on, and then you speed around a curve. Maybe you were expecting it and maybe you weren’t.”
Alec can’t tear his eyes away from Magnus’, his dark eyes reflecting the purple glow of the ferris wheel back at Alec. He’s suddenly more aware of the fact he is forcing himself to keep his breathing steady, deep exhale after every deep inhale, before he finally finds his voice. “But?”
“But they’re more fun, just as life is more fun, when you stop trying to have control of everything. When you take the highs with the lows, the expected with the unexpected. When you throw your hands in the air and scream and laugh and enjoy the ride.” Magnus finishes, notices the twitch at the corners of Alec’s mouth, sees how Alec is trying to hold back the smile and Magnus can’t hold back the soft expression that takes over his face, the half smile that curves his lips, and he’s positive that he’s looking at Alec with nothing but love.
I don't need to sleep tonight
I just wanna feel alive
Swimming in the dark’s alright
Cos I've got bright lights in my mind
When they get off of the roller coaster Alec’s heart is pounding furiously in his chest, hands and legs trembling from the rush of adrenaline that has spread through him. But Magnus notices the smile that Alec can’t seem to get rid of, the way that he keeps mumbling what sounds to Magnus like holy shit and Magnus just grins.
“Careful, Alexander. People will think you enjoyed yourself.” Magnus winks at him as they start down the steps of the boarding platform as the next group in line fills into the cars.
“Okay, fine, I enjoyed myself,” Alec admits and shakes his head as he slides his hands into his pockets. “But since I rode yours, now you get to ride mine.”
Magnus turns his head and fixes Alec with an astonished gaze, his eyebrow raised. Did Alec Lightwood really just drop an innuendo?
“The ferris wheel, Magnus.” Alec rolls his eyes again.
Magnus isn’t crazy about heights and the idea of being on the ferris wheel, even with Alec, paralyzes him for a split second — which is enough time, it seems, for Alec to notice.
“Hey, it’ll be fine,” he says gently, stopping in front of Magnus. Alec’s instinct is to bring his hand up, curl it around Magnus’ arm, but he forces his hands deeper into his pockets to keep himself from doing exactly that. “But if it really makes you that uncomfortable, we can skip it and just walk around.”
“No, it’s fine,” Magnus shakes his head and looks up at Alec. “I’ll be fine. Besides, it’s only fair.”
“Look at it this way,” Alec begins as they start walking again, “you’ll be able to see the stars better.”
Magnus’ heart wants to beat out of his chest at that moment, though Alec is thoroughly unaware of what he’s just done, as Magnus falls into step beside him.
Catch me, bring me back to life
We're tripping at the speed of light
Who thought this could be paradise
They wander slowly through the park from the roller coaster toward the ferris wheel, coming up on a row of food stands and a couple of booths selling what looks to Alec like jewelry. Maybe he can find something to take back to Izzy at one of them, he thinks, as Magnus stops next to him.
“I’m going to get something to drink. Want anything?” Magnus offers and Alec shakes his head.
“No, I’m good. I’m just going to look over here, see if I can find something to give to Izzy when I see her next,” Alec answers, and Magnus picks up on the fact that Alec doesn’t say when I go home. He doesn’t want to read into it at all, doesn’t want to think that there’s a chance Alec might choose to stay.
But Magnus can’t stop himself from thinking it either.
When he meets up with Alec again there’s a bag in his hand. “What did you find her?”
Alec reaches into the bag and takes out a jewelry pouch, opening it and holding up a necklace with a large red stone pendant and Magnus can’t help but agree that it screams Izzy.
The line at the ferris wheel isn’t long and soon they’re seated beside each other in one of the cars, the wheel moving slowly as it takes on riders. When they stop at the top, Alec looks over at Magnus. Magnus seems to be fine, enjoying the view of the stars overhead, but Alec notices the way that Magnus rubs his thumb along his fingers, shifts subtly as he changes which leg he has crossed over the other.
“I found something for you, too, actually.” Alec reaches down into the bag at his feet and takes out another, smaller pouch, handing it over to Magnus.
His mind momentarily taken off of the fact that they’re still stopped at the top, Magnus takes the pouch and turns it over in his hand, a ring falling out into his palm. Magnus holds it up and looks at it, takes in the design in the center of the band — all the phases of the moon — and then looks at Alec.
But he doesn’t know what to say.
“The center part spins,” Alec starts to explain, “or at least that’s what I was told. I guess it’s supposed to help with fidgeting and anxiety but … I don’t know, the design reminded me of you.”
Magnus swallows around the lump that’s settled in his throat and looks down at the ring and then at Alec again, and the stars are just a little brighter, reflected back at him through Alec’s eyes.
—
When Magnus wakes up he can see the sun creeping in through the small gap in the curtains. He wants to check the time but he’s too warm and too comfortable and the blankets are heavy over him.
Except when he shifts his gaze down, Magnus finds that the added weight isn’t from the blankets at all.
Magnus doesn’t know exactly when Alec had shifted toward him, close enough for Magnus to sense he’s there but not close enough to feel Alec’s chest against his back. He doesn’t remember feeling Alec drape his arm over him, can’t say that this isn’t how he’s wanted to wake up for so long.
He feels Alec shift a little behind him, move closer, and Magnus closes his eyes and takes a slow breath. He’s certain that Alec isn’t aware of the situation until he hears Alec inhale sharply and clear his throat before the weight of Alec’s arm over him is gone and the bed shifts as Magnus hears Alec get up and disappear into the bathroom.
Magnus turns onto his back and closes his eyes, knowing that — innocent or not — this is going to change things.
Alec is gone (as are his things) when Magnus finally decides to get out of bed and Magnus thinks it’s probably for the best. They can, at least temporarily, avoid the awkward dancing around each other as they both try to get ready.
Magnus showers and styles his hair, adding blue streaks to the spiked style he’s chosen for the day. He applies his makeup, smudging charcoal onto his eyelids and lower lash line, dusts highlighter over his cheekbones.
If he’s going to confront Alec about what exactly is happening between them he’s going to look fabulous as he does it.
Magnus packs everything up in his duffle when he’s finished and leaves his key card on the corner of the dresser beside Alec’s (does it say something that Alec hadn’t wanted to come back up after he left?), thankful for express checkout.
Down in the lobby, Magnus finds the coffee kiosk and gets in line. He looks down at his phone, scrolling through texts from Ragnor and Cat, Ragnor wanting to know if his head was on right yet and Cat giving him updates on The Chairman.
Magnus steps up to the counter and orders a pomegranate tea and croissant and hears his phone ping in his pocket. He checks the message from Alec as he steps off to the side.
Just waiting in the lobby. Didn’t want to wake you. Let me know when you’re ready and we’ll meet at the car.
Oh, if Alec only knew …
Getting tea and breakfast now. Meet you at the car in 5. Magnus types out and hits send. He maneuvers his tea and his small croissant bag into one hand as he picks his bags up with the other and hoists them onto his shoulder.
Alec is loading his bag into the car when Magnus meets him and Magnus quickly thinks about how to handle this new … whatever it is. It needs to be addressed sooner rather than later but, at least for now, Magnus decides to act as though nothing has changed, nothing is out of the ordinary.
“Morning Alexander,” Magnus says with a grin, outwardly calm, though his insides are decidedly anything but.
“Morning,” Alec says a bit stiffly, unable to look Magnus in the eyes. The bright California sunlight catches the rose tint that sits high on Alec’s cheeks, creeps down the sides of his neck. Alec reaches for Magnus’ bag (such a gentleman) and Magnus hands them off to Alec and turns to get in the car.
Magnus is scrolling through his various playlists, finds he’s not really in the mood for any of them at the moment, when Alec climbs into the car beside him, still not looking over at him. Somehow Magnus is going to have to figure out how to get inside Alec’s head, get him to open up, and Magnus has hours ahead of him to think of how best to make that happen as Alec turns the ignition.
—
They’re an hour into their drive to San Francisco when the silence between them is too much for Magnus to take any longer, especially now that he’s finished his tea. He reaches for his phone and pulls up Spotify again. His thumb comes up to his index finger again, absently spinning the ring Alec had given him the night before.
“So,” he says to break the silence, scrolling through his playlists again, grinning as he taps the screen on what is sure to at least pass the time, if not make for some fantastic karaoke. “How’d you sleep?”
“Fine,” Alec says, his response a little short, before clearing his throat. Magnus should have known to not expect more, knows from their years in college together that Alec internalizes everything, closes in on himself when what he wants and what he should do violently crash together.
“I don’t know why I thought of it,” Magnus starts as he hits shuffle and the first notes of a Britney Spears song fill the car from the bluetooth speakers, “but you remember that night back in college we all got together and did karaoke?”
Alec groans beside him. “You mean the night we all got drunk and did karaoke?” he asks, glancing at Magnus for the first time that morning. “I prefer not to remember that night, thank you very much.”
“I told you, Raphael texted me the video of you singing Bye Bye Bye. I did not record it myself.” Magnus looks over at Alec, a smirk on his face.
“No,” Alec shakes his head, “I am not singing that again. Ever. Not happening.”
“Fine,” Magnus waves his had dismissively again. “I’ll just post the video to Facebook for my next throwback Thursday.”
“I swear, Magnus …”
“Alexander there is literally no one around to witness this except me. And I cross my heart there will be no video of it,” Magnus makes a cross sign over his heart with one hand as he pulls up the song with the other, cutting off Britney mid-lyric.
This is not happening, Alec thinks as he presses his lips together and shakes his head again. If he weren’t driving, he would close his eyes and will himself to somewhere other than here, but he can’t and as much as he hates to admit it the song is catching and when Magnus starts to sing along to it, mimics the dance moves … Alec just rolls his eyes and goes along with it, but leaves the dancing up to Magnus since that’s always been more his thing.
And Alec has always loved watching Magnus dance.
The song starts to peak and Alec grips the steering wheel, throwing his head back slightly. “BYE BYE BAAAAAAABY!” he belts out at the top of his lungs (badly), but Magnus turns to look at him, doesn’t care that Alec isn’t the greatest singer in the world.
Even with sunglasses hiding Alec’s eyes, Magnus still knows that the smile on Alec’s face has the corners of his eyes crinkled, that for now, at least, the ice has been broken. They can be as they were just hours before, even if only for a few hours more.
—
They stop at a small oceanside cafe for lunch and the tension hovers over them again like a blanket.
Magnus watches as Alec absently stirs his straw around in his water, determined again to not meet Magnus’ eyes. He knows that they can’t let it hang over them like this, knows that he will have to broach the topic because Alec won’t.
When he can’t take the silence anymore, Magnus picks up the check and stands, slides on his sunglasses.
Alec glances up at Magnus then as Magnus leaves the tip on the table between the salt and pepper shakers. “Where are you going?”
“To get some air,” Magnus answers, “no rush, though. Take your time.”
Magnus says nothing else, walks away from the table and Alec turns to watch him go, focuses on the strong line of Magnus’ back, the broadness of his shoulders, takes in the slump of those same shoulders as he stands at the counter to pay before exiting out the door leading down to the beach.
Alec closes his eyes and inhales a steadying breath. He doesn’t know how he let the tension build between them to this point, knows that this isn’t how the trip was supposed to go at all.
He needs to make it right.
He wants to make it right.
But he doesn’t know how.
Alec takes another long drink of his water before standing and heading toward the exit Magnus had just passed through. It doesn’t take him long to catch up to Magnus and when he does Magnus looks at him before turning and walking a little farther down the beach.
“What?” Alec asks, hands out to his sides as he follows Magnus again.
Magnus turns and Alec stops abruptly before crashing into him.
“Are we really not going to talk about any of this?” Magnus asks.
“Talk about what?”
“Everything!” Magnus exclaims and turns his head up to the sky, closing his eyes against the sun as he brings his hands to his hips.
“You’ll have to be more specific,” Alec deadpans and folds his arms over his chest.
Magnus holds his hands out to his sides, palms up to the sky, wondering where to begin. So he decides to start at the beginning. “You quitting your job, and coming out here, and the ring, and waking up with your arm around me this morning.” Magnus says the last part in a rush, terrified in a way that it was somehow just a dream, a fragment of his imagination, even though Alec’s reaction had been all too real, all too Alec.
Magnus watches as Alec swallows hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat as he does, can see the rise and fall of Alec’s chest as he takes deep, measured breaths, feels his own chest rise and fall in the same rhythm.
And Magnus wants to scream when Alec remains silent, tearing his eyes away from Magnus’ own before Magnus speaks again. “Why did you come with me? What do you want? You have to tell me at least that much, Alec, because I can’t guess anymore.”
Alec snaps his head up, his eyes flashing as they lock on Magnus’ again. It was easier for Alec to answer when his mother had asked him why, but right now, in this moment Alec’s mind is suddenly void of every reason he had for deciding to make the trip.
Except for one.
You, he wants to say but he can’t find his voice and he turns, bringing his hand to the back of his neck, digging his fingers in just enough to feel the pressure, doing what he does best, what has always been the safe thing to do and walks away.
“Alec …” Magnus calls after him, soft and broken and it makes Alec stop instantly.
“Don’t …” Alec says as he drops his head, closes his eyes. He feels a tightness in his chest, can’t breathe properly.
And Alec realizes that he no longer has to walk away, no longer has to give up what he wants, that the exact reason he left his life in New York behind was because it didn’t include Magnus the way that Alec wanted him to be included.
Alec turns and there’s purpose in his steps as he bridges the distance he has put between them. His heart thuds rapidly in his chest as the gap grows smaller, and then Alec is reaching for Magnus, Magnus’ eyes wide as Alec’s hands fist in his shirt before their lips crash together, and it’s everything that Alec has never been able to and still can’t say, everything he has had to hold back now coming to the surface.
And if Alec can’t tell Magnus why he’s here, if he can’t tell Magnus what he wants, then he will show him.
Magnus is stunned for only a moment before he circles his arms around Alec, hands resting against the small of Alec’s back as Magnus pulls him in closer until all the space between them is gone. Magnus tips his head just enough to deepen the kiss, and he inhales sharply as Alec’s mouth molds to his with so much need and certainty and so … perfectly.
Alec is breathless when he slowly pulls away, is aware that the only reason he’s likely still standing is Magnus’ arms around him. He can’t meet Magnus’ eyes right away and sets his gaze on Magnus’ lips instead, pink and kiss-swollen, and he swallows hard as he catches his breath.
“We — we should — get going,” he stutters, still not able to look Magnus in the eye.
Alec doesn’t wait for Magnus to respond, only slowly releases Magnus’ shirt and backs away, feeling Magnus’ arms fall from around him. Before he can stop himself again, he turns and walks away.
—
It’s night when they finally arrive in San Francisco and Alec pulls off the highway once they’ve passed over the Golden Gate Bridge. He drives for awhile, winding down and around to find a place to park near the bridge.
The air is cool and clear with not a hint of fog, the breeze picking up off of the bay and carrying the tang of salt through the air.
They’ve been driving in silence, the lingering tension of their earlier kiss like a heavy blanket over them. Even Alec — who enjoys silence — finds it unnerving. There had been no sing alongs. No trying to see how many different state license plates they could find. Magnus had even packed his bluetooth speakers back into his bag when they had made a stop for gas, hadn’t tried to force his playlist of ridiculous 2000’s pop songs on Alec again.
And Alec supposes, as he watches Magnus wander a little away from the car, that he deserves Magnus’ silence after walking away when he had. He gets out of the car and slides his hands into his pockets, the breeze whipping through his dark hair, as he leans against the side of the car as Magnus crosses his arms over his chest.
Alec could join him, could stand with him in silence along the water’s edge, working through the explanation he’s been trying put into words for Magnus all afternoon and yet still can’t.
But Alec knows right now that Magnus needs the space, needs the time.
Alec isn’t going anywhere.
While he waits, Alec digs around in his duffel for two hoodies — though he can’t imagine that Magnus hasn’t packed one of his own — and shrugs his on, leaving the other folded up on the hood for Magnus when he wants or needs it.
It’s only when a particularly strong gust of wind blows across the bay and Magnus can’t hold back the shiver that races through his entire body that he turns and wanders back to the car, taking the hoodie Alec is offering. Magnus takes a deep breath, inhaling the scent of Alec’s cologne that lingers on the material when he puts it on as it mixes with the salt in the air and closes his eyes as he commits the smell to memory.
Magnus can feel Alec’s eyes on him but now he can’t seem to meet Alec’s as he slides his hands into the pocket in the front.
Alec’s tongue darts out quickly to wet his lips and he presses them together as he carefully settles against the hood of the car, making sure to not scratch it. He’s known what has needed to be said all afternoon, has had plenty of time to think it over and knows that Magnus does deserve to know why and does deserve to hear what Alec wants.
“I uh … I was having second thoughts,” Alec starts, finally breaking the heavy silence and Magnus looks up at him. Magnus says nothing, but that he’s finally looking at Alec puts Alec at ease. “I almost didn’t give my mom my resignation. But then you called and … you weren’t the reason that I originally decided to resign, but you are the reason why I didn’t stop myself from going through with it.”
Alec pauses for a moment, takes a succession of deep breaths as he looks out over the bay, the lights of the bridge reflecting in the water. “And then when you said you still had feelings for someone else, I thought you meant Camille and I thought that I had made this huge mistake, that I had turned my life completely upside down for nothing.”
Magnus laughs lightly at that and the sound makes Alec’s heart flutter and despite the chill from the breeze he feels warm.
“I was absolutely not referring to Camille,” Magnus confirms and turns in more toward Alec, takes a couple of steps closer. “I haven’t felt anything for Camille in years.”
“I realized that on the ferris wheel at the pier,” Alec glances down at his feet briefly before he looks up at Magnus again. “My why and what I want are the same, Magnus, and it’s you. It has always been you and it will always be you, if that’s what you want too.”
Magnus takes it all in, lets Alec’s words process in his mind and warm him from the inside out, his heart beating faster in his chest. He steps into the space between Alec’s legs and slides his hands out of the front pocket of the hoodie, bringing them up to Alec’s neck, his thumb grazing along Alec’s jaw line. Alec curls his hand around Magnus’ forearm, doesn’t look away from Magnus’ gaze until Magnus is leaning in and Alec is moving to meet him halfway, eyes fluttering closed when Magnus’ lips are on his again and Alec lets himself melt into the kiss this time, wraps Magnus up in his arms properly, keeping him close, lips moving slowly, exploring, learning how to fit together just right and Alec feels a shiver run down his spine that has nothing to do with the nighttime chill.
Magnus just barely pulls back, resting his forehead against Alec’s.
“I would love that.”
And California never felt like home to me
And California never felt like home
And California never felt like home to me
Until I had you on the open road and now we're singing
