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“Hey… thanks for like… everything.”
“Uzi, don't you dare!”
Uzi shifted her grip on his hand, swinging him up and launching him free of the ravenous fleshy maw.
It happened so fast. Purple symbols flickering across him in rapid succession. A flash of pain— his leg severed at the knee, above the grasping tendril. Something was thrust into his coat's breast pocket.
Uzi hung in the air over the pit, time slowing to a crawl as N's panic sent his processor working overtime. More tendrils reached towards Uzi, even as her eyes remained fixed on him.
No, no, no, no! Uzi, don't do this, please. Not now! Not again!
N shoved himself upright, wings unfurling, preparing to launch himself after her. His remaining foot slipped on the slick surface as he fought to remain balanced. It cost him a split second, no more. But it was enough. Enough to not be able to react in time.
“Die mad!” displayed Uzi's visor.
Her purple Solver flashed, slamming the object in his pocket into his chest and sending him careening back. As he tumbled, the last glimpse of her he saw was the tendrils wrapping around her, her expression and visor message replaced by a sad smile. Then he slammed through the church doors, skipping and bouncing down the stone steps.
“Uzi, no!” The futile words tore from his throat. But it was too late; she was gone.
N jolted awake, his sensor array filling the space with a faint yellow glow. His core raced, the biomechanical organ beating in frantic irregularity. Hollow eyes rapidly flicking around, desperately attempting to take in his darkened surroundings.
Then memories of the day's events came crashing down on him.
The labs. V's sacrifice. Killing who he thought was Tessa. Separation. Finding Uzi in space. The battle against Cyn. Their victory, both Uzi and V safe.
It was just a dream. Just a memory. It’s fine, it’s fine. Uzi is safe. It's over. She's safe, N thought, even as he felt the tremors shake his chassis.
Squeezing his primary eyes shut, N forced himself to still. One. Two. Three. He opened his eyes again on the final count, willing the trembling to cease.
It was dark, forcing him to rely on his sensor array's night vision lens to pick out details. He was in Uzi's room, leaning against the frame of her bed. He remembered now, they'd returned to the colony, at least the parts of it still intact after the planet's upheaval. The last thing he remembered was the two of them stumbling their way to Uzi's room and just plopping down on the floor in utter exhaustion after the ordeal they'd been through.
Uzi.
Uzi sat next to him, her head resting against his shoulder, one hand holding onto his, their fingers intertwined. She was still deep in sleep mode, her dimmed visor displaying a trail of Z's that faded from violet to gold. A part of N couldn't help but worry what that change could mean for her, but he knew in his core that it was still Uzi, and she was here. Alive. With him.
Guess we passed out before even making it to the bed, N thought, stifling a giggle. They'd been really tired. Physically, emotionally, and mentally after everything. It was a miracle that they'd even made it back without collapsing.
N wondered if he should try to move Uzi to her bed. The whole room was a wreck, her belongings strewn about the place, many broken where they'd fallen. All damage from the tremors that had rocked Copper 9 in the second core collapse and the following battle with Cyn. They pretty much slept in the only clear spot in the room. There'd be a lot of cleaning up to do tomorrow.
N reached for Uzi with his free hand, preparing to scoop her up and carry her to her bed. She at least should have the bed. Sure, they were dating now, but like, that had only been official for a few hours. N wasn't sure they were at the “using the same bed” stage yet.
Uzi murmured something unintelligible, shifting slightly even as she remained in sleep mode. N froze, realizing his movement had probably disturbed her. He lowered his hand, settling back into his original position.
I should just let her rest. Don't want to wake her if I can help it, N decided.
He checked his HUD.
29.3% battery
I should probably go back to sleep, too, he thought, shutting down his display.
Minutes ticked by. Slowly. Painfully slowly. Without the complete and utter exhaustion that had caused him to immediately pass out before, N found the ability to enter sleep mode eluding him. The quiet and stillness provided ample opportunity for the memories of the day's events to creep to the fore. Memories he'd tried very hard to suppress until now, unbidden scenes of the day popping up one after another before his eyes. No matter how hard he tried, they refused to leave him; his attempts at rest failing as the memories dominated his CPU's processes.
Uzi crumpled on her side, gasping and coughing a mixture of blood and oil as she tried to shove her exposed core back into her chest.
N shuddered. He wished he could delete that moment.
V saluting, surrounded by Sentinels in the instant before the elevator dropped.
N shook his head, trying to rid the image from his processor.
Giggling laughter fills his auditory sensors. Clawing hands tearing at his chest, fingers worming inside searching for his core.
“Let-me-in. Let-me-in. Let-me-in. Let-me-in. Let-me-in. Let-me-in. Let-me-in. Let-me-in. Let-me-in.”
N clenched his empty hand into a fist, fighting against the shaking again wracking his body.
Uzi dragged into the pit as he was flung away against his will. Another sacrifice. Another person he cared about being forced to save him, because he wasn't—
N squeezed Uzi's hand tighter, trying to remind himself she was still there. Remind himself where he was. She's fine, she's alive. Uzi didn't leave you, she didn't—
“Callback ping.”
Memories of Cyn's experiments pinging before his eyes. V's, J's, and his bodies being dissected and reassembled again and again.
“Callback ping.”
Crawling hands reaching through the grate where he and Uzi hid, feeling for them in the darkness, the dead flesh coming inches away from feeling them.
“Callback ping.”
Uzi's pained expression as the Solver began to overtake her. He could see the fear in her eyes, mixed with worry for himself. Even terrified, she gripped his hand, trying to reassure him it was alright when neither of them was.
“Callback ping.”
N released Uzi's hand. Even in his panic, he regretted grasping for her, fearful his episode would wake her. He didn't want that. He didn't want her to see him like this. She shouldn't have to deal with this.
Cold, dead fingers wrapped around his core. He couldn't feel his body; the thing in his chest wrenched was all that he was. Cyn's laughter filled his head as she slowly, so sadistically slowly, brought him closer to her open maw, savoring every bit of his terror and panic. He clawed frantically with unfamiliar limbs to wriggle free from the approaching death. His futile struggling only made the monster laugh even louder.
N clutched at his head with both hands, hollow eyes flashing open. His core was pounding now, writhing so frantically that he almost feared it would tear itself from his chest to escape the phantom memories of Cyn's grasp. He dropped one trembling hand to hover over his core, trying to will it to still.
You can repress this, N. Just like all the other bad memories. File them away deep and forget. You're fine. It's fine. You're fi—
He couldn't even finish the thought as the memory in his dream again played out before him. Again, he could only watch as Uzi threw him to safety at the cost of herself. The fear, the anger, the frustration, the helplessness, all of it crashing down over him all at once as it had in that moment.
Somehow, that was worse than the other memories. He'd been through so many terrible things, most of which he'd managed to forget. But watching Uzi sacrifice herself for him was different. He didn't like how it made him feel. Not one bit.
“N?”
Uzi.
N froze, the tremors ceasing at once, replaced by being mortified that he's woken her because he couldn't control himself. Now he'd gone and ruined her rest too. Ruined everything like always.
Worthless and terrible like always.
N felt a hand brush against his arm before coming to rest on his hand. N swallowed, willing up the courage to even face her.
Uzi looked back at him, bringing a hand to rub the drowsiness from her face before her eye-display softened with evident concern. Her visor flashed, displaying “U GOOD?” as she had done in the labs, only now the text color was a sunset of gold to violet.
“I'm… It's nothing. Just a bad dream.” N shook his head, trying his best to force a smile. Biscuits, I’m sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep, please.”
Uzi's visor flashed back to her eyes, still soft and worried. “You don't look fine to me…” She frowned, looking at him intently for several moments. She opened her mouth, then shut it again, as if indecisive of what to say. Then, finally, she asked, “Do you… uh, like, want to talk about it?”
N remained silent, his forced smile faltering. He shook his head.
“Come on, N. You're gonna have to work with me here and actually talk to me. You know I'm not good with all these feelings… stuff,” she said, a twinge of annoyance entering her voice. Whether its was directed at him, herself, or both, N couldn't tell.
N felt a pang of guilt at that. She was trying. The fact Uzi was concerned enough about him to be emotionally open, taking the initiative to even ask him, spoke volumes.
“It was a really bad dream,” N admitted. Pulling his hand from under Uzi's own, N tucked his knees up to his chest, hugging them close. If he didn't, thinking about the dream would cause him to start trembling again. If he did, then Uzi would really worry. He didn't want anyone to have to worry about him. Especially not someone he cared about like her.
“...Was it about Cyn and all of that horror movie crap she put us through?”
N started to shake his head, but stopped himself. “I, no— well, a bit. It's mostly not that. Sure, the Cyn stuff was really scary, and it sucked pretty hard. But I'm managing. Still processing and repressing everything, you know. I'm very good at that, I got lots of practice at it.” He laughed nervously, an act he immediately regretted. Even to himself, that sounded the furthest thing from “reassuring” that he could imagine.
Uzi sighed. “There's a lot here to unpack later,” she added dryly, her expression blanking in almost-irritation before her concerned look returned.
“N, if you need to talk, just tell me, okay? You aren't okay, and— ugggh— I am so bad at this. Please, just tell me,” Uzi pleaded. Her hand returned to rest on his forearm.
“I really don't want to talk about it right now. You need rest, and I shouldn't have woken you,” he told her truthfully. As much as what happened was bothering him, he'd rather cope if it meant not burdening Uzi when she must still be exhausted. “We can talk later, in the morning.”
For a split second, a loading wheel spun across Uzi's visor, replaced by a blinking exclamation point before her eyes displayed back, something about what he said seemingly clicking into place for her.
“...Oh… It was about the stuff in the church, wasn't it?” She asked. “You said we'd need to talk about that later. I… really hurt you, didn't I? If you're having nightmares about it and stuff…” she trailed off, averting her gaze guiltily.
All N could do was nod his head.
“N, I'm…” she trailed off. Then she shook her head fervently, raising her hands to slap each side of her face in what could only be an attempt to psyche herself up. “Feelings talk, let's go. First, I'm like, sorry. I didn't know what to do, it was all so terrifying, and I could only think—”
Uzi groaned in frustration, burying her face in her hands as she struggled to find the words. She gave another huff, shaking herself before sitting back upright. “I just— I care about you a lot, you big dummy. I know you were scared and how much it must have hurt, thinking you lost me. But all I could think was, if one of us made it, I just… wanted it to be you.”
Uzi flashed him an uncertain smile. ”It's like a classic trope and everything: the heroine giving her life to save her prince and all that sappy crap,” she added. N knew it was a joke: to relieve the tension and lighten the mood. A very Uzi thing to do. In other circumstances, it would have helped a lot to make things less sad and scary. But right now, it did nothing to quiet the storm of emotions within him.
He was still touched by the effort, though. Even now, she's trying to cheer me up.
“Uzi…” N, said, feeling the words catch in his throat amongst all the confusing feelings in him right then. “I was scared. So very, very scared that I'd lost you. Right after losing V, too. I felt awful. Everyone I cared about was gone, and I didn't know—”
Tears began to pool in his eye display, animated droplets running down the edges of his visor display. He swallowed, trying to work up the courage. Just tell her. Tell her what's upset you. You can tell Uzi, she will understand.
N squeezed his eyes shut, the tears continuing to well there. Then, slowly, he opened himself to those feelings he'd felt in that moment. Letting them all out now. “The worst part is, I was really mad at what you did. It hurt. First V, then you… I felt so helpless. Useless.”
Uzi stared back at him, her eyes going hollow. She raised a hand, starting to reach for him, only to hesitate, as if fearing the gesture would only make him feel worse. “N, I didn't mean…”
N barely heard her, the memories of those moments again playing out before him. “It hurts that the only two drones I have left, the only two I care so much about, thought they had to die to keep me safe— That they'd leave me, because I wasn't good enough, and— I was angry. I was so mad at both of you for doing that to me. It sucked so bad.”
N shook his head, staring down as his hands began to tremble again. He felt Uzi rest her hand on his arm now, a gesture bringing a small bit of comfort. Remind him that she was there and that she cared. It gave him the courage to continue letting his feelings flow openly.
“I felt like you didn't trust me to help. We could have figured some other way out, right? Together. But was I so terrible that I couldn't do anything? That I was really so useless that I—” N began to overload, starting to hyperventilate as his body attempted to counter the rising core temperature with increased airflow. His eyes went wide and hollow as he again felt the same crushing fear and doubt he'd felt. The guilt. The anger. All of those feelings overwhelmed his senses as each fought its way to the fore. “It– It made me feel like— you must've thought I'm worthless and terrible, like J always said I was. And if everyone thought that, then she was right! I am useless and pathetic and–”
N felt hands seize his shoulders, snapping him from his tirade of self-hatred. Uzi turned to face him, looking at him with a guilt-stricken expression. “Robo-god, N, no,” Uzi told him. She let go of him, lifting both hands to gently rest upon the sides of his face, keeping their gazes met.
For a moment, N froze. Such an intimate gesture, so shocking that he felt like every one of his processors had stopped responding. He could only stare at the regret and sorrow in the worker drone's expression. The pain Uzi was feeling, seeing how little he thought of himself, feelings that she'd brought to the surface
“This is my fault. I didn't mean to make you feel… like that. But I still did,” Uzi laughed bitterly, the sound carrying with it the self-loathing N knew she always struggled with, hidden just beneath the surface. “Uzi Doorman, worst girlfriend ever… Wasn't even your girlfriend yet, and I still found a way to make you feel like garbage…” she said, muttering the final part of her words.
“Uzi, sorry, it's not your–” N started to apologize, the words coming out on reflex. But Uzi stopped him, speaking up once more.
“No, don't apologize, N! You deserve to be angry at me. And at V too, who better say she's sorry next time she shows her face, or I'll make her,” Uzi said firmly, holding his gaze. “You aren't worthless or terrible, and J can bite me and go die in a hole somewhere. You're, like, the coolest drone I've ever met! You're sweet and kind, and… always nice to me and stuff. That's why—”
Uzi made a choking sound. It took a moment before N realized it was a sob, one Uzi had tried to hold back. He looked up at her, seeing the tears welling at the corners of her eyes. For a moment, she stared at him, tearing up, her lip quivering. N could see the internal struggle there, Uzi’s feelings clashing against the fear of vulnerability. Then, like a dam breaking, the tears began to flow. Her feelings had won out over fear.
“That's why, N. I had to. Not because you're useless or anything. I'd never felt like… this, about another drone before. Not before you. You're, like, always so supportive, even when I don't deserve it, and— and I care so damn much about you. And I thought I… could be okay… with dying. Knowing you'd still be alive. That you'd be safe.” Her words came haltingly between the tears, broken often by stifled sobs.
“I…” A pang of guilt shot through N's core, replacing the anger and pain he'd been feeling as he watched her pour her heart out like this. Even now, N could see just how much Uzi struggled and tried so very hard to find the right words to convey those deep, repressed feelings.
Somehow that made it all the more core-wrenching.
Uzi sniffled, rubbing her visor on the sleeve of her hoodie, the gesture failing to clear the tears from her display. She tried to smile reassuringly, even as she choked back more sobs. “And I thought that maybe it woulda been, like, worth it. Maybe if a drone as good and perfect and— amazing as you were alive… because of me, then I'd have finally done something right. After screwing everything up, it was my fault we were even in that situation. I dunno, if I’d been stronger, I wouldn't have gotten possessed by Cyn. Then neither of us would have been in danger…”
N reached out, pulling Uzi into a hug. She stiffened, but then allowed herself to return the embrace, wrapping her arms around his midsection and burying her face into his chest.
“I thought that even if I died, so long as you didn't, then it all mattered. That I mattered,” Uzi finished, her words muffled as she remained pressed against him. “Die a hero and all that crap. Then maybe someone would actually remember who I was…”
“Uzi… I could never forget you,” N murmured into her shoulder, hugging her tighter. “You’re too important for me to ever forget. You always mattered to me.” He wrapped his tail around both of them, holding her as close to him as he could. For a moment, they stayed there like that. The fears and anxieties that had gnawed at him seemed smaller somehow. Almost less real in the face of the love and support carried in that embrace. N just hoped it was the same for Uzi too. All those self-doubts really sucked.
Then Uzi stiffened, signaling the moment’s end. She began to pull away, N loosening his embrace and letting his hands come to rest on her forearms. She shifted away just a bit, just enough so she had enough space to lift her head and meet his gaze. “Seriously, N, you shouldn't be comforting me right now. You're supposed to be all mad at me and stuff! But there I go, being all soft and letting my dumb feelings be the center of attention.”
She let out an indignant huff that somehow turned into a sob. She wiped her eyes on her sleeve; this time, the gesture managed to clear the tears from the display. “Seriously. Quit being so understanding. Your issues are real and not— whatever made-up crap I was on about!”
“Uzi…” N said, feeling himself tear up again. He leaned down, gently bumping his faceplate against hers. “Your feelings aren’t stupid or made up. I was so wrapped up in my own head, I didn’t even think, like, you probably were just as upset. Like, in a different way.” He smiled at her now, even as his eye display continued to show tears. “It makes me feel a lot better, knowing that. I understand how you felt and that you understand me better. It helps.”
“I guess…” Uzi lowered her head wearily, resting it against his shoulder. “Just… you know, I don’t think you’re useless, right? I hate that I made you feel like that...”
“I know you don't," he assured her. He tucked an arm around her shoulders, holding her there. “It's just hard, sometimes. Even when I know something isn’t true, it doesn’t stop me from feeling like it's true. I hate how my stupid processor always thinks like that. A lot”
“That’s anxiety, dummy,” Uzi said, snorting back a laugh. “Not that I’m one to throw rocks. Miss crippling self-esteem issues, right here.”
“Yeah, but talking helped, right? We’re working on it,” N said. He smiled, “Just like I said before, baby steps. Together.”
This got a laugh out of her, the sound turning downright devious as she added, “Least this time it's not about eating people. Hooray, progress.”
“Uh, pretty sure we still need to do that.”
“Yeah, but that’s like a future Uzi and N problem. And screw those guys, having already figured out this whole feelings crap,” Uzi countered, turning her head to smirk at him and shrug. “We’ll figure something out.”
Uzi yawned, her visor display dimming slightly as her eyes began to droop into nearly becoming lines. It was then that N realized just how exhausted he felt as well. “Time for bed, buddy?
“So long as you aren’t going to have more nightmares and freak out again,” Uzi told him.
N shrugged, smiling uncertainly. “No clue, but it's worth a try!”
That was apparently good enough for Uzi. Yawning again, Uzi fully untangled herself from N now, scrambling up onto her bed. N stood, preparing to follow her. Then he froze, eyes wide and hollow as he was struck by the implications of what he’d been about to do.
Wait, am I… we just started dating, is it too soon for us to sleep together in the same bed? Wait, no, that sounded wrong! Not sleep-sleep together, it's way too early for that! Like normal sleep mode, just in the same bed, not in the other way! Animated droplets of sweat filled his visor, rolling faster and faster down the display.
Uzi just stared blankly at him for a moment. Then she groaned, rolling her eyes. “Oh, get up here, you idiot,” she said, waving her hand. Her purple Solver symbol rotated at her fingertips, a larger version appearing in front of N’s midsection, a surprised yelp escaping him as he was yanked by the front of his coat up onto the bed, sprawling face-first onto the mattress next to her.
“If dad gets upset, he can bite me. You’re my boyfriend now, so you can sleep here. When you’re good,” she teased while N picked himself up. She offered a hand, passing him her spare pillow with her Solver while she helped him settle into place next to her.
Nervously, N lay down facing her, his hands tucked awkwardly against his chest, unsure what he was really supposed to do here.
“You good?” Uzi asked
“Oh. Y-Yeah. I’m fine, not used to this,” he laughed, trying his best to relax.
He half expected some sort of snarky remark from Uzi, only to find his girlfriend smiling gently back at him, her expression softening. “We’re working on it. Both of us,” she assured him. She blushed, N feeling his internal temperature rise several degrees as his display did the same.
“Hey.” Uzi reached out, her finger brushing his head before coming to rest on one cheek. “Let’s make a promise. No more big sacrifices or being selfish for either of us, okay?”
N tilted his head quizzically, the awkward feeling forgotten as he tried to understand what she meant. He displayed the word “selfish?” across his visor.
“You are, dork. We both know you’d sacrifice yourself in a heartbeat if it meant saving me or V, but as soon as someone else does it, you get all mad. Super selfish,” she explained, laughing. “Buuuuut… I’m pretty sure I’m just as bad here.” She rolled her eyes again, trying to play it off in a very Uzi ‘I don’t really care that much’ sort of way. Only for her expression to immediately soften again. “So promise, okay? No more of that.”
N reached up, his larger hand enveloping hers where it rested on the side of his face. “I promise, Uzi. No more making you worry.”
“Good…” Uzi said. Her eyelids drooped again, her display dimming once more. “Night, N,” she murmured, smiling as the day’s exhaustion once more carried her into sleep mode.
“Goodnight, Uzi,” N said softly, not wanting to wake her again. He smiled, still holding her hand. “I don’t know what I’d do without you…” Closing his eyes, N felt himself swiftly joining in her shutting down into sleep. This time, at least, untroubled by his doubts and bad memories.