Chapter Text
“What the f$*k just happened?”
Pomni’s mind was racing. The events of today had given her too much to think about, and she was struggling to comprehend it all. The fact that their one chance of getting out of the Circus had all been a lie was too much to think about, but what else could you think about? It all felt so close, and yet, just like everything else here, it was a carefully fabricated lie.
Following the ordeal in Caine’s office, the characters - minus Jax - hung around the Circus for a bit trying to muster any semblance of a conversation, but to no avail. The words had escaped all of them, and understandably so. Eventually, Ragatha asked if people just wanted to go their separate ways for the night to try and sleep it off, and that seemed to put into words what most of them were thinking anyway, so they all retired to their rooms to try and find some way to cope with it.
Despite nobody saying anything, there was a lingering fury in the air towards Caine that everyone could sense. It was technically possible to see his logic, but nobody was willing to give him any benefit of the doubt. For a supposedly intelligent AI, he seemed shockingly emotionally stunted. How could he not have seen that stringing them along like this would have just made the eventual let-down hurt even more? Did he not learn his lesson after his first attempt at the exit door on the day Pomni arrived? Whatever the case, there was a silent agreement made that nobody was playing along anymore. If he wanted their attention, he had a lot of apologising to do, and knowing him, that wouldn’t come quickly.
While trying to replay the events of the day in her mind, Pomni’s thoughts kept drifting towards Jax, and she couldn’t figure out why. Rightfully, she should be furious at him. Before they knew this whole thing was a trick, he chose to keep them trapped here. He chose to take away their one shot of freedom for a reason nobody other than himself could know. And yet, he was right. He was the one person from the start calling that this whole thing was a trick, wasn’t he? Everyone else needed to believe that this was a real escape, but Jax was the only one who could properly see through “Abel” and work out that something was wrong. Judging by the vibe of the room, everyone else seemed to be thinking the same thing. They all seemed just as conflicted as Pomni on what to think about him, and the fact he’d seemingly vanished without a trace as soon as they left the office only widened that uncertainty.
And then there was the issue of the fight. Again, she should be furious that after all they’d done together, he’d just wall himself off like that. Why would he even let her in if he was just going to push her away afterwards? But again, it wasn’t anger that came to mind. She was worried for him, and to tell the truth, she had been ever since he walked away. She noticed how hard he was trying to put up a mask, to keep being “the funny one” and to revert back into his archetype of not caring about the rest of them. And that clearly hasn’t worked for him. It was so easy for her to notice his absence, if not physically, then emotionally. When he wasn’t locked away in his room, he clearly wasn’t the same — the shit-eating grin that he wore everywhere was gone, replaced by a look of shell shock, almost like a soldier: back home in flesh, but with his spirit left behind.
Despite everything he’d done to stop her, Pomni knew that she needed to be there for Jax. She didn’t know how, but all she knew was that she cared, and she would find a way to stop him from spiralling down until he abstracted. She had to go and talk to him.
Jax was absolutely losing it.
Having escaped the rest of the group as soon as he could, he immediately sprinted to his room to try and succeed where he’d failed just a couple of hours before. He needed to get out of here, and his only feasible way to do that was by abstraction. Not only was everyone going to hate him even more than they already did because of the button, he’d completely squandered the one chance he had at a genuine connection in here only a few days ago. Rather than just letting his guard down to let Pomni in, he’d physically pushed her away and left her on the floor dejected. Why the hell would she ever want to speak to him again? Asking him to come with them on this adventure was probably the nicest thing she could have done, and almost certainly the limits of her tolerance, and he’d ruined that too. Jax was a bull in a china shop, and he was now looking back at all the damage he caused to everyone else, knowing there was no magic bullet to fix it, so why not take the easy way out?
But no matter how hard he tried, it just wouldn’t happen. He’d whipped himself into an emotional state whereby he was laughing maniacally while tears rolled down his face. To an outside observer, it would be difficult to tell if he was in ecstasy or agony. But still, it just wouldn’t come. He didn’t know why he couldn’t just die. Was the universe keeping him here as some kind of cruel trick? Did he miss his shot at abstraction and was now doomed to be stuck suffering the consequences, spending eternity with five people who’d be unable to forgive him? He didn’t know. All he knew was that he just had to keep forcing himself to suffer, because maybe with enough mental anguish he’d snap back into that high, and he’d let it take him this time. He didn’t care who interrupted him, not even Pomni.
Pomni.
Why did she keep crossing his mind? Jax knew that the chances he had of creating a friendship with her were gone, so why not just let her go like he was able to let the others go?
Deep down, he knew the answer, but he didn’t want to say it to himself. He didn’t want to allow himself to acknowledge his worst mistake in this place, and he didn’t want to think about how he’d just repeated it. But no matter what he tried, he couldn’t help but compare her to Ribbit. Jax kept seeing glimpses of her when the two of them were a team just a few days ago; their willingness to go along with his antics, the ability to let loose and take joy in being chaotic, the humour, the…
He stopped himself before he could think of anything else. She just wouldn’t leave his mind, even though it had been years since they’d abstracted. And here was a second chance, handed to him on a platter, and his coping mechanism of putting walls up to stop himself from ever getting this close had put him in the same position again. He knew he was repeating his thoughts at this point, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to wallow in asking himself “why did I push her away” again and again and again until his body gave out.
Then he heard a knock at the door.
“Jax?”
Pomni waited by the door with bated breath. To be honest, she really hadn’t thought this through. She obviously knew that he wouldn’t let her in if she was honest and said “I’m here to check up on you to make sure you don’t abstract”, so she had to fake a different approach - but even then, she didn’t know if he was even in a mood to talk to her, let alone let her stay the night. But she had to try.
Time seemed to stand still for an eternity as she waited outside, but just as she thought he wasn’t even going to answer, she heard tentative footsteps making their way to the door, and a second later, Jax’s slender frame peered around the doorway.
“Ugh, way to interrupt my nap… for the second time today,” Jax muttered, his voice trying (and failing) to disguise the exhaustion and terror he’d been feeling a minute ago. “What do you want, Pomni?” Pomni paused for a beat, overthinking all the eventualities in her mind, before eventually just deciding to commit to what she wanted to say.
“I can’t sleep. Today has just been way too much, and I don’t think I’ll be able to get to sleep if I’m alone. Can I come and stay with you for a bit?”
Jax was pretty taken aback by this. The last time anyone other than him had been in his room was… He quickly erased the thought from his mind. Now wasn’t the time for it. After a brief pause, he pulled himself together to respond.
“Uhh, are you sure? Wouldn’t Ragatha be more helpful or something?”
“I think she’s already asleep,” Pomni guessed. “Besides, I think she needs a bit of space. She didn’t seem all too willing to talk to anyone about what happened.” She tried not to second-guess herself as she said it, but doubts crept in. Surely Jax would be in the same boat too? After all, Ragatha didn’t run away to her room and lock herself away like he did.
However, what Jax said next surprised her. “You know what? Fine. You can come in, but just for tonight. Don’t expect this to be a regular thing,” he stated, trying to put some annoyance in his voice that he didn’t actually feel in his heart.
“Thank you,” Pomni said, with a barely detectable hint of relief in her voice. “I’ll be back over in a sec, I just need to grab some pillows from my room.”
Jax waited by the doorframe and thought about what he’d told himself just a few minutes ago. He thought Pomni still hated him, and by all means, she should. He’d prodded at her worst insecurities in this place during their fight, and he turned into his worst self to try and wall her off. And yet, here she was, still wanting to be with him, even after he’d betrayed everyone by pressing the red button.
“Why?” he whispered to himself under his breath. “Why do you make yourself care about me so much?”
After picking up a few pillows and a quilt, Pomni strolled across the hallway where Jax was still standing. She wasn’t able to read the expression on his face, but he at least didn’t seem as negative as he did when she first knocked on the door, which was probably a good thing.
“Come on in,” Jax said bluntly, trying and very obviously failing to be detached from the situation. Walking in, Pomni was surprised to see what looked like a… child’s room? Jax had a single lamp on his bedside table which was illuminating the space, and Pomni took a quick glance around to see a room decorated in pink, with stars adorning the ceiling, rainbows plastered on the walls and a child’s table in the corner with toys and games on the shelf behind it.
“This is… your room?”
“Yep. Not sure why I got stuck with it when they put me in here. Maybe Caine just wanted me to suffer or something.” Jax knew that wasn’t the truth, and that this room definitely had something to do with his psyche when he entered the circus, but he wasn’t willing to get into it any further than that. He just hoped Pomni didn’t question it.
“That seems like a very Caine thing to do. I know he tries to be friendly but sometimes it seems like he just has it out for us,” Pomni sighed.
“Yeah, tell me about it.”
Pomni cautiously sat down on the green chair by the table, which for any normal adult would have been far too small, but due to the comedic proportions in this place, actually suited her fine. She wondered how Jax could possibly sit down here given the fact he was basically twice her height.
“Sooo…” Pomni felt uncertainty rise in her voice as she spoke, because truthfully, she had no plan after asking to be let in. “Where exactly do you want me to sleep tonight? I- I mean, I can use the rug, it’s no big deal.”
“No. There’s no way I’d let you do that.” Jax instinctively recoiled as he said it, still trying to keep up the disinterested facade that he’d maintained for years. He’d gotten incredibly good at readjusting his mask, though. “I’m not having you write a 1 star review about my fine establishment.”
Pomni let out a brief chuckle, and the tension in the air released.
“The bed’s big enough for two people, especially you, Little Miss 4’ 5”.” Normally, Pomni would have bristled at that low blow, but she was honestly just happy to see him be somewhat back to his old self again. She stood up from the table and perched herself on the corner of the bed, next to where Jax was sitting.
A suffocating silence filled the room, as the two of them felt the weight of a million unanswered questions and a million untold truths bear down. Pomni was the first one to break the tension.
“Can we talk? About the other day?”
Jax froze. He knew there was so much he needed to say, but his stream of consciousness had been dammed years ago. In the end, all he was able to muster was a resigned “Yeah, we should talk about that.”
“How come things ended up the way they did? Was- was it something I did wrong?” Pomni felt herself stumbling over her words as she spoke, and she took a breath to calm her nerves.
“Nah, it wasn’t your fault.”
Pomni could feel the frustration rising inside of her as she heard Jax’s half-hearted reply. Admittedly, she was relieved that he didn’t hate her, but there was clearly so much more that needed to be said between them, but he just wouldn’t open up, and she needed to know why.
“Well, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Mostly for the whole throwing a gun at you, and hitting you, and biting your leg, and-” Pomni felt the words falling out of her mouth as she spoke, and she cut herself off to steady her nerves. “We both know what happened. I didn’t need to do anything like that, I just- I had no idea how to react. I’m sorry.” She took a short exhale out and fell backwards onto the bed, feeling the full toll of the emotional exhaustion that the last week had inflicted on the circus.
Jax, as if on cue, turned the lamp off and joined her, illuminating the glow in the dark stars that littered his ceiling. For the first time since they’d sat down together, he took his eyes away from the middle-distance he’d been staring at and glanced over at Pomni. She looked absolutely dejected, and her eyes were affixed to the ceiling as if to focus on anything else to stop herself from crying, an effort which was clearly failing.
“Look, Pomni.” Jax’s sudden speech seemed to jolt Pomni out of her stupor, and she listened to him intently. “It’s not your fault, it’s ok. Sure, the leg thing may have hurt a little bit,” he lied, “but it wouldn’t have happened like that if I didn’t switch up on you, y’know?”
A pause.
“I’ve just never been good with letting people get close to me in this place. I was still tryin’ to hold onto that idea of us all falling back into our archetypes. It’s my purpose in this place to sit back and not give a shit about anything, right?” He knew he wasn’t being entirely honest as he spoke, but telling Pomni the incomplete truth was better than telling her nothing at all. “I guess when all was said and done, I realised how far I’d drifted away from that and I tried desperately to get it back. And I took it out on you. I’m sorry for that.”
The tears that were beginning to build up behind Pomni’s eyes faded, and she felt a smile, the first genuine smile she’d experienced since they’d fought, spreading across her face. “Thank you for telling me. I’m still sorry about your leg though, that was kinda unnecessary.”
“Pssh, It’s fiiiiiiiine. You know we can’t actually get hurt in here, right?” Jax tried his best to hide just how much it actually hurt, and he hoped he was doing a good job at playing it cool.
Pomni giggled. “Heh, sure. We’ll go with that.” Jax smiled. For the first time in a long, long while, he felt like he’d finally righted a wrong that he’d caused. Normally, he wouldn’t have given a damn about what anyone else thought about his actions, but something about Pomni made her so easy to open up to. He didn’t know what that thing was, but he was secretly thankful for the first real company he’d let in in two years. Maybe things could be alright after all.
After a while, Pomni picked up her pillows and placed them on the bed next to Jax. She made sure to lend him a spare because, despite the fact they couldn’t sustain any physical injuries in the Circus, she still felt bad for his neck and the tiny pillow it slept on every night.
The two of them enjoyed easy conversation over the next couple of hours, seemingly trying to avoid discussing the elephant in the Circus, but they both knew they had to bring it up eventually.
After a brief lull in the conversation, Jax was the first one to speak. “I think they hate me out there. I mean- well- they should. I took away our only chance of getting out of this place.”
Pomni paused. She knew Jax would see straight through her if she tried to bullshit him, so she simply had to give it to him straight, while still taking a comforting tone to put him at ease. “I think most people will just want to know why you did it. Sure, they might be a little slower to understand, but I know you have a reason. Please tell me so you can tell them later.”
Jax sighed. His reasoning for pressing the button was multifaceted and, ultimately, it was a decision he made out of desperation. If he hadn’t remembered his life outside, and the fact he had nobody out there waiting for him, then maybe he wouldn’t have done it, but it was too late for him to contemplate what ifs. What was done was done, and he had to explain himself.
“Honestly, I just thought that the whole thing was too good to be true. That ‘Abel’ guy was blatantly tryin’ to lead us down some path or other to get what he wanted, and it was so suspicious that he just came outta nowhere with all the answers. I couldn’t wrap my head around how everyone was just… buying it.” Pomni could see the expression on his face drop as he recounted his frustration. “When I got in there, I’d already had my mind made up that Caine was pulling a fast one on us, and I didn’t know what the hell he would do if we pressed that blue button. There’s nothing he wants more than our validation, right?”
“Mhm. Zooble was telling me about what happened outside while we were in the manor. He certainly seems like he’ll fall apart if we don’t give him the attention he needs.”
“Yeah, exactly. In that case, what happens when we press the button that tells him we never want to see him again? He’d never be the same.”
Jax briefly paused. He was trying his best to tell the truth, but there were certain lines he wouldn’t cross. He sat up straight and curled his legs into himself, resting his head on his knees. “I also just panicked. Let’s be honest, things haven’t been great here since we had that fight. I just wanted to lock myself away and… I don’t know, feel sorry for myself?” No mention of abstraction. He didn’t want to scare her. “I just sorta acted on instinct when I saw those buttons. There wasn’t anything I could do about it.”
Jax exhaled all the negative emotions that had built up inside him and felt the tears welling up in his eyes. He buried his head in his knees so Pomni couldn’t look at him and desperately tried not to cry, an effort which was ultimately futile. His sobs wracked his body for what felt like an eternity, and he was so aware of the fact he was being seen. He hated being seen like this. He hated showing anyone the broken, disgusting part of himself that he usually managed to keep under control-
“Jax? You ok?”
Pomni’s interjection snapped Jax out of the spiral, and he got his breathing back under control.
“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s whatever, it doesn’t matter.”
“I think it matters.” Pomni had previously averted her gaze to give Jax some privacy, but she looked over at him now and noticed he still seemed tense. “I know it’s been a difficult time for you- well, I mean, for everyone here lately. But you can’t keep it to yourself. I’m not gonna let you suffer alone like that.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it.” Jax struggled to express his gratitude any more than that, but he hoped Pomni knew he was being genuine.
“I mean, I guess my issue now is… how do I go about saying sorry? I guess I’ve just never cared enough to try. And like, this was a big mistake. I can’t just say ‘whoops, sorry, I pressed the trap you all here forever button, won’t happen again’, y’know?”
Pomni pondered the issue for a while. She hadn’t known Jax for as long as the others, so she knew she’d immediately be more trusting of his ability to change than the rest of them. “I think you just need to be genuine with them. You’ve already told me the truth, so as long as they hear it, things should be alright.” She paused for a second and readjusted her hat. “It might take time, though. If they don’t believe you the first time, you have to be the one to prove that you’ve changed. That might take days, or weeks, but just keep being you, the real you, and it’ll work out for you.”
Jax smiled, and for the first time, he noticed that the fake smile that usually sat on his face was gone. “Heh. You’re way too nice to me, you know that, right?”
“You can never have too much of a good thing, bunny boy.”
Jax sighed sarcastically. “Well, I guess you’re right. Thanks for stickin’ around tonight.”
“Hey, it’s what I’m here for. G’night, Jax.”
“‘Night, Pomni. See you tomorrow.”