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“I was worried the man I knew didn’t make it out of New Mexico.”
A horse laugh escaped Buck as Eddie’s words lingered throughout his head as he sat in the darkness, the shadows slowly creeping up and the light that had been there when Eddie and Christopher had been there left with them. “Like always,” Buck whispered. The Diazes were his light; when they had been both in El Paso, his world hadn’t been that bright. Oh, don’t get him wrong, he loves the rest, and Jee is a bright spot in his life, as is baby Nash, but they aren’t Eddie and Christopher. “And now I am letting them both down. I wonder how long it will be before Eddie realizes that I am no good? That it isn’t safe to let Christopher around me?” Buck’s eyes flickered to the spot where the bottle of pills was, and he wanted to ask for help, but why bother when eventually they will all believe him when he says he is fine. It’s only a matter of time before they move on and stop worrying about him, and that is what he wanted. He wanted everyone to stop worrying about him; he wasn’t important, and they had their own lives to worry about. He was just De…
“No, I am Evan Buckley. I’m Buck.” Wrapping his arms around himself, a choked sob escaped Buck’s lips as he rocked himself back and forth, muttering, “I’m Buck.”
Eddie wasn’t fooled. He knows that Buck isn’t okay, that he was far from okay. A sigh escaped Eddie as he ran a hand through his hair, recalling the way Buck’s face fell that moment he said he was worried the man he knew before New Mexico didn’t make it out of there. Of course, Buck wouldn’t make it out without scars; he had been kidnapped, and from what little Buck talked about it, he had been tortured. He wants to help Buck, but he can’t reach him.
“What do we do?”
“We keep showing up.”
Eddie had meant it then, when Buck had asked them how they helped Hen, they just needed to keep showing up, it's just this is Buck, his Buck, and he needs to do more than just showing up for Buck, he wants Buck to talk to him, to trust him that he will be there to support him. Because he is afraid that he knows which road Buck is heading down.
His original plan after he dropped Christopher off at the Wilson’s to hang out with Denny had been to talk to Maddie, and he will, but if he is right there is only one person who might be able to help him figure out how he can help Buck.
“I take it you are here to talk about Buck.” Bobby’s voice pulled Eddie out of his thoughts.
“Yeah.” Eddie forced out.
Studying Eddie for a moment, Bobby moved forward and wrapped Eddie up in a hug that had the other man sinking into. After nearly losing Bobby to that damn super virius, Bobby’s recovery had been a long one, and he hadn’t been strong enough to return as a firefighter, so he retired. It had been a change that they had to get used to, but at least they still had Bobby in their lives.
“I don’t know how to help him.” Eddie choked out.
Bobby’s eyes closed; he felt his heartbreak for both Buck and Eddie. “We are going to figure something out, but I know from experience that Buck is going to need you more than any of us.”
Pulling back, Eddie wiped his eyes, “Buck will always have me.”
A smile appeared on Bobby’s face, “If anyone can out-stubborn Buck, it is you. Let’s talk inside.”
“Buck! Buck! I know you are in there!” Eddie called as he knocked on the door. He had the key to Buck’s place; he will never forget the shy, bashful and hopeful look on Buck’s face as he handed it to him. God, Eddie hates that he let his struggles with acknowledging that he wasn’t as straight as he had thought, and he wanted more than friendship with Buck to get in the way and cause tension and distance between them. He had also been jealous of how easy Buck and Ravi worked together; he was Buck’s partner first, and he hated that Ravi was now the one who had Buck’s back.
“If you don’t open this door, I am coming in, as I know that you are home,” Eddie called as he looked at Buck’s truck sitting in the driveway. It was still so odd not to see the jeep anymore. He missed it. “I’m coming in on the count of five.” He warned. They both knew that he was serious.
“One…Two…Three…Four…”
Before Eddie reached the count of five, the door opened, and Eddie’s heart broke at the sight Buck made. Gone was the smile that had been there when he and Christopher were there; no Buck looked like he had given up. He was a broken man, struggling and not wanting anyone to know.
“The trials and tribulations and tragedy in 97 acts.”
The words that he had spoken in fear entered Eddie’s mind, and he regretted that he had ever said that to Buck from the moment he had said it. He had brought Christopher home to apologize to Buck, but he had never said it.
“I’m sorry.”
Buck blinked, taken aback, “Eddie, you have nothing to apologize for. I was happy to see you and Chris today.”
Eddie took a step forward. “No, for what I said that night in the kitchen. None of us knew if Bobby was going to live or not, and he is your dad.” Eddie shook his head as Buck went to argue. “He is your dad, and the last thing he told you was to look out for us because we were going to need you and that he loves you. You were trying to help us, and we wouldn’t let you.”
Stumbling back, Buck shook his head, “No, Eddie, I never held that against you. Besides, you brought Christopher home as an apology, and that was the best one you could give me.”
Eddie knew what Buck was doing, and he wasn’t going to let it go. Stepping into Buck’s place, Eddie shut the door behind him. “Thank you, Buck, but I still should have said it. Just like we should have acknowledged all that you did for us while we were waiting for word on Bobby. You were the one who kept checking on us, and we never appreciated that. You were honouring what Bobby asked you to do, and we didn’t make it easy for you.” Letting his eyes trail over Buck, Eddie saw what he had been looking for.
“Oh, Buck, I’m sorry I was so late in saving you.” Eddie felt his heart crack. He couldn’t protect Buck from the lightning strike, and he hadn’t been able to stop him from being kidnapped.
“What?” Buck looked shocked, “No, Eddie, you were the one who saved me. If it wasn’t for you coming to find me, I would still be trapped there. I never want you to blame yourself for what happened. It was Bonnie and Earl’s fault. You saved me.” Buck couldn’t stop the tears from falling from his eyes. This was the last thing that he wanted: for Eddie to blame himself.
“Then let me help you again.” Eddie pleaded as he took a step towards Buck.
Licking his dry lips, Buck looked anywhere but at Eddie. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“That’s a lie.” Eddie took another step forward until he was close enough to rest his hand on Buck’s shoulder. “I know that you are far from okay, and I’m not the only one. Bobby sees it too.”
The look on Buck’s face could only be described as horrified. “No, no, you and Bobby weren’t supposed to see it. I can’t let Bobby know how badly I am letting him down.”
“Hey, hey, you are letting no one down, Buck. I need you to understand this.” Eddie cupped Buck’s face, making sure that he was looking into his eyes, “You went through something truly terrible in New Mexico, and we know that you aren’t the same. You don’t have to carry this alone. Let us help you. Let me help you.”
“It’s pills, Eddie, I have been taking them just to make everything stop. I have never taken them at work or when I am going to be with Christopher, or Jee or Nash or the children, because I wouldn’t put them in danger like that, but that is the only thing that can help when Bonnie’s voice gets too loud, and I forget that I am Buck and not Derek or that I am not Daniel.” A sob escaped Buck as he fell forward into Eddie’s arms.
“It’s okay, Buck. I am here, and I am not leaving you alone. You don’t have to deal with this alone, and I will always be there to remind you that you are Evan Buckley and you are so deeply loved.” Eddie promised as he held onto Buck tightly as the other man sobbed in his arms.
“Hello, my name is Evan Buckley, people call me Buck, and I am addicted to pills. I was kidnapped and tortured by someone who wanted me to take the place of her son, and they were the only thing that I thought could get me through the darkness.”
“Welcome, Buck, and we all have different experiences that led us here, and we will not judge you, but I am very sorry for what you went through. You are a survivor.”
“You really are.” Bobby placed a hand on Buck’s shoulder. “I am so proud of you, kid.”
A bashful smile appeared on Buck’s face, “Thank you, pops.”
It hadn’t been easy, but everyone had been there for Buck. No one made Buck feel like he was too much or that they were disappointed in him. Though they did have to talk not just Athena but also Maddie, May, Hen and Karen out of going down to New Mexico to deal with Bonnie, Earl, the homophobic sheriff themselves.
Everyone had been there every step of the way, encouraging him, even when the days were tough, and they were. It wasn’t an easy battle, but he has Bobby, Maddie, the others, but most of all, he has Eddie, who has been his biggest support.
Eddie, who was waiting for him as he and Bobby left the AA meeting.
“Remember, call me whenever you need me. I love you, Buck.” Bobby whispered as he hugged Buck.
“I love you too, pops.” Buck was always thankful he had the chance to make sure Bobby knew how much he meant to him.
“Hey,” Eddie greeted as Buck got close to him.
“Hey, thanks for picking me up. Bobby would have dropped me off.” Buck reminded him.
Shrugging his shoulders, Eddie smiled at Buck, “Yeah, he could have, but I know this is a big step, and I wanted to be here for you. I thought we could swing by and pick up your crime against pizza with pineapple on it and have a movie night just the two of us.”
“What about Christopher?” Buck loves Christopher, but he likes the idea of just him and Eddie tonight. It hadn’t been easy.
“Karen figured that tonight would be a tough one and that Christopher could stay with them tonight to plan your ‘we are so proud of you Buck’ party that is set for tomorrow, so act surprised.” Eddie didn’t look at all guilty for spoiling Buck’s surprise party.
A laugh escaped Buck. “I had expected one after all, we do love our parties. I would love a night in with just us.”
Reaching out, Eddie pulled Buck into a hug, “I am so proud of you, Buck and I love you so very much, and we will talk about our future when you are ready. Just know that I am here until our lives end and we go together into the afterlife.”
“I love you too, Eds. You don’t find love, you make it. That's what that man told me when he and his soulmate died moments after one another, and we made something great, Eds that will only get better.”
They had been circling what had been brewing between them for almost nine years. They could wait until Buck was ready to take the next step to start their future together.