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“You really need to come back to him.”
“You say that like I never do. It’s been only three months. One more and I’ll be coming back home for the break.”
“He’s breaking down, Adam. It’s really bad.”
“What do you expect me to do? I can’t skip classes.”
“I never thought you would. But maybe this weekend?”
“How do you even know he needs me? I’m sure as hell he didn’t say it.”
“He doesn’t have to say it. I know him. He’s been drinking more and more lately. Opal knows something’s up, too.”
“Oh, so you talk to her behind his back now?”
“Shut up. When we skype he sometimes gets up to go and just leaves it on.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“I’m serious, Adam. Blue and Henry say hi. She’s been kicking my foot all this time so I don’t forget to pass it on.”
“Charming. Where are you now?”
“Florida. Henry’s angry because his hair doesn’t like the weather here. But stop changing the subject. Just… promise me you’ll think about it. And hurry up now, he needs a miracle.”
“Ronan needs many things, Gansey.”
“Actually, I disagree. I’m certain that miracle is the only thing he needs right now.”
Ronan tumbled down crashing and hit a wall. Unsurprising, since his body contained more alcohol than blood. Probably. He was pretty sure it was alcohol running through his veins right then. He fought to stay awake. He refused to dream, because every time he closed his eyes, there was Adam. It usually started pretty well, but then Ronan always found himself stranded somewhere and reaching out, calling his name but Adam was never around. Ronan had it bad. There was nothing he could do about it.
So he drank, a lot. Every night when he put Opal in bed, he drank until he was numb. Because why the fuck not. He could hear Gansey’s voice. Listing exactly why the fuck not in the back of his mind, but Gansey wasn’t here. No one was here but him, a sleeping half satyr girl and a bird that was joyfully going through the remains of a torn cracker packet.
Slowly, Ronan made his way to the kitchen and sat by the table. He knew he was going to need some of the smelly hangover tea Maura had given Opal to bring home once. Crooked way to get the shit into the Barns, but it did help, sometimes, the morning after. Or, every morning.
Ronan missed Adam. Ronan wasn’t going to dream. He missed Adam. He was just going to put his head on the table for a bit. To make it stop spinning. He missed Adam.
Adam sat next to him by the table. “Well, you really tried this time, didn’t you?” He asked, picking up an empty bottle.
“Shit.” Ronan groaned, lifting his head up. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
Adam eyed him briefly, like he was assessing his state of drunkenness.
“But you did.” He said. “Now what?”
“I guess we just get on with it.” Ronan put his head back on the table. Usually it didn’t spin in his dreams, but he did consume an admirable amount of alcohol. The shit tea is going to have to be strong in the morning.
“Get on with what?” Adam leaned back in his chair, and Ronan thought he looked smug.
Sometimes his dreams started this way. With Adam being there, just talking with him, teasing, laughing. It all went to shit soon, anyway.
“Jesus fuck, Parrish. I’m too drunk for this.” He should’ve drank water before sleep. But he didn’t intend to fall unconscious, so how could he blame himself? He could. He always did.
“Why do you drink, Ronan?” The smug look had disappeared from Adam’s face, only the cold, calculating eyes pierced right into Ronan’s soul.
Ronan didn’t say anything. He didn’t lie, even in his dreams. His dreams felt more like reality than the reality itself sometimes, but this, this definitely felt like a dream.
“Is it because I’m away?” Adam asked, making it more like a statement than a question.
Ronan sighed. “Of course it is.”
“So why don’t you tell me? Do you just intend to drink yourself to death one day?” Adam’s voice was starting to get angry. The nightmare’s about to begin.
There was no avoiding it. Once the signs were there, there was no changing it. Not like Ronan could ever change it. He decided to let go and take it. Just let the pain in.
“You can’t change anything, Parrish. You have school.”
“I could come back more often.” Adam got up and started pacing back and forth, thinking intensely. Ronan knew this dream Adam was calculating the possibilities how he could make it happen.
“Just stop.” He asked, quietly. Dream Adam stopped, eyeing him with a slightly shocked expression at the vulnerability in Ronan’s voice.
“Sit back down for a bit. I just need you right now. Just be here for a while. Until it really starts.” With head spinning, drunk even in his sleep, Ronan really couldn’t care how pitiful he was being.
Adam sat back down and Ronan leaned into him.
“I think I’m losing my mind now.” Adam said with and edge of a smile. “Ronan Lynch, going all soft on me.”
Ronan smirked, enjoying Adam’s warmth. “Enjoy it while you can. We’re running out of time.”
It was quiet for a bit, then, “Why do you drink, Ronan?” Adam whispered.
Ronan didn’t care. Ronan didn’t lie.
“I miss you.”
“Why don’t you ever tell me, then?”
“Because I don’t want you to get angry and leave me.”
“You really are an asshole, you know.” Adam sighed.
Ronan didn’t argue. He didn’t question, either. He just sat there, leaning onto Adam, willing his wild head to stop for a minute.
“Since it’s in my head and I’m piss drunk, I’m just gonna say it.” Ronan took a deep breath. “I miss you. I never say I do, because I don’t want you to feel persuaded to come back more than your studying lets you. And I really care about your studies. I still think it’s crap, but I care because you do. And every night when I fall asleep, and maybe I’m a bit drunk, I keep imagining you’re by my side. Shit, Adam, I feel awkward just saying it. But there’s nobody by my side. I dream of you, like now, but soon it fades away and the nightmares come.” Could you feel sleepy in a dream? “I guess right now I need a miracle, but the only magician I give a shit about is far away.”
“That must be the sappiest and longest crap I’ve ever heard you say.” Adam teased, but a smile was on his face. Bright and clear. And so it dawned on Ronan.
“You shithead! You literal piece of shit!” He shouted, angry, scrambling to his feet. With wobbling legs, he had to brace himself on the table edge.
“Took you long enough” Adam laughed, catching Ronan’s hand and steadying him.
“Fuck you.” Ronan spat out.
“Come on, you’re barely awake. Let’s go to bed, we’ll talk in the morning.” Adam kept a hold of Ronan, leading him upstairs to the bedroom.
“I can’t believe you did this. You lied, also. You said I was asleep.”
“It’s you who never lie.”
Ronan was angry. He looked at Adam’s playful, but still calculating eyes and thought that the fight could wait until the morning.
“Just be here when I wake up.”
Adam thought about last night when he climbed the stairs up to Ronan’s bedroom, carrying a big glass of water. He was angry that the only time he could get an honest conversation with Ronan was when the other was drunk out of his mind and couldn’t even tell he was real. But Adam was good with talking to drunk people. And now he at least knew what was the deal. Even if he had to get it out by deceit.
Walking into the room, he found Ronan awake, sitting in his bed and staring at him with a distant look on his face. He seemed angry.
“Drink this.” Adam said, handing him the glass. Ronan looked at it for a second, but then took it.
They sat like this for a few minutes. Ronan drank his water.
“How are you feeling?” Adam asked. Ronan didn’t reply, just kept on looking at him.
Adam sighed. “I knew it was the only way I could talk with you and get an honest answer.”
“I was drunk. What makes you think I meant it?” Adam knew Ronan’s words were meant to bite, but he was too used to it to care.
“Why would you lie in a dream?”
“Well but it wasn’t a dream now, was it?” The only thing that kept Ronan from bolting out of bed and out through the door was that he knew Adam would chase him. It seemed he was determined to have this conversation.
“You can’t escape. We’re talking about this now.” Adam said, taking the glass from Ronan’s fingers and setting it further out of reach. “What happened yesterday was…”
“Ignore yesterday, forget it.” Ronan interrupted.
“…eye-opening,” Adam continued, unfazed. “I won’t ignore it. Because finally I know what you really think. You never tell me.”
Adam took Ronan’s hands into his own. He had to be careful, Ronan’s rage was like a match lit to fire. Quick, strong, hot. “I wish you’ve told me before.” Adam looked into Ronan’s eyes, holding his gaze. “I’m not quitting university for you.” He felt Ronan trying to pull his hands away, but didn’t let him. “Let me finish. I’m not quitting and I know you don’t want me to. But I can come back more often. We can make a deal.” Adam paused, assessing the damage. Ronan seemed slightly intrigued, but it was obvious he was trying to make his face blank.
“I thought about it. I can come back every three weeks and on long weekends. And I’m staying here every break.” Adam waited for the proposition to kick in. He was expecting a slight remark, something to hurt him, Ronan trying to start a fight, but all he got was, “Good.”
That would do. “Great, then.” He said with a smile he couldn’t contain.
“Are you trying to one up me, Parrish?”
Adam just laughed and kissed him. When they parted, Ronan just muttered, eyes closed.
“Don’t let me down.”