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"maybe..." Ilya smiled somberly and let his thumb graze the soft bruised cheek of Shane Hollander because he knew that he can't promise him anything. As he stood at his bedside and looked at him battered and bruised - he can't tell Hollander that he won't go back to Russia this summer, he can't say he'll go to his cottage, and he can't tell him that they should end this because it's too much for Ilya right now and Shane looks so angelic in the maddening fluorescents of the hospital lights - Ilya just can't bring himself to refuse so he'll do that another day, when Shane's more aware-
"Oh, sorry-" suddenly the room door is wide open and standing there with a bag of food in hand is David Hollander. Fuck
"Just came to drop this off." David's face isn't hostile but confused because at first he thinks it's one of the Metro's coming to see their captain but as he gets a closer look it's definitely not one of the boys. But he knows that face. "Rozanov?" and his voice sounds shocked but his face is stern, that's what it looks like to Ilya at least.
"I'm sorry." It's the only thing that can escape Ilya's lips as he realizes his hand is still on Shane's face. He let's it drift away and balls his fists together in front of him. Standing at attention for no reason other than it feels like the right thing to do. He swallows hard and suddenly feels dizzy, his breathing staggered. He takes a few steps away from the hospital bed trying to regain composure but it isn't working.
This wasn't supposed to be happening. David Hollander isn't supposed to be here right now. Seeing them like this. This is everything Shane feared and Ilya feared for him.
"Ilya...", Shane's voice is so soft - Ilya looks up and now the rooms blurry because his eyes are tearing up. And he's desperately trying to wipe them away but it isn't working. He's stumbling because his feet don't know how to work all of a sudden.
He doesn't even realize that Shane's trying to reach for him, small groans of pain coming from him trying to move his uncooperating body.
A hand lands on Ilya's back and another on his chest, trying to keep him upright as the tears keep coming. "Take a breath son...", his head turns and it's just David Hollander holding him up. Whatever malice Ilya perceived has turned into worry. Why would he be worrying about me? And it's just about the last straw as Ilya collapses into him, a sobbing mess with this man hugging him tightly.
SLAP
Tears don't even come to the numb 15 year old.
"Are you stupid Ilya? A boy? They are saying you were looking at the other boys..."
"Pa, it's even worse than that. They said they saw him kissing a boy." Alexei's words weren't helping but Alexei knew that - he counted on it actually. The smirk as evident on his brothers face as their fathers palm print was on Ilya's cheek.
"So what? Now you are a faggot?" The booming voice of his father made the house feel like it was shaking. A stray tear that Ilya didn't consent to drop wets his lips - all he could do was focus on the taste of the salt, anything to distract from this. "Answer me!"
SLAP
This one felt harder and Ilya was sure it would leave a mark. He'd have to explain to his coach tomorrow how he took a fall and for some reason only his face is injured. Ilya looked at his fathers scornful eyes and licked the remaining saltwater off his lip, "No, father. I'm sorry."
"Don't look at me. How dare you look at me!", his father pushed his head down hard - making him look at the floor. His mothers necklace dangled freely like some sort of church light. Grigori kept his hand there and gripped Ilya's hair so tightly that a few strands must've snapped off. "If I ever find out you are doing such things again! Only the lord would be able to help you Ilya!", he brought his mouth to the boys ear and screamed, and all Ilya could do was keep his breath steady and his eyes on the golden cross. "How dare you disgrace me with a faggot son.", he spit on Ilya's shoes and let him go with another shove of his head downwards.
The bounding of his father's shoes going down the hall sounded like relief. The altercation didn't last nearly as long as Ilya thought it would but it still hurt like a bitch.
"How dare you...", Ilya looked up to see Alexei still smiling, possibly wider now but Ilya couldn't care to notice any difference between the same devil.
"You're a liar." he spoke just above a whisper.
"What?"
"You lied, Alexei." Ilya finally lifted his head and straightened himself, towering a few inches over his brother - even at this age. He wiped his nose expecting blood but their was none, surprisingly.
"And what? Pa will believe me, he already believes me.", Alexei had the audacity to stare up at Ilya as if he'd done no wrong, as if he didn't sentence his younger brother to eternal damnation at the hands of their father. "If I told your coach...he would believe me too-"
"Fuck you!", Ilya pushed him against the wall and for the first time saw his brothers eyes filled with fear. "I didn't kiss the boy!"
"But you wanted to.", through the terror - Alexei's smirk returned, ever provoking because that's the only strength the coward has. "That's why you took it! Why you didn't say 'Pa, I did no such thing!' Right? Right!", Alexei laughed in Ilya's face like the fucking Joker. "You're so fucking easy, Ilyusha Rozanov." He stared dead into Ilya's eyes.
Ilya's eyes were quicker to show fear than his brother's. His hands shook with anger as they held Alexei's collar but they did nothing other than shake. Ilya didn't know why he couldn't just deck him. Physically he could absolutely pummel Alexei into the worn down walls of this soviet apartment, but his body would not allow it. Maybe it was because he was his brother. Or maybe it's because he felt too exposed... Ilya did want to kiss that boy. And he would - in time.
Fuck this!, he was too exhausted to think straight, he pushed his brother into the wall and let him go.
Alexei wasn't supposed to see Ilya staring at the coaches son. Ilya wasn't supposed to be staring at the coaches son. There were many mistakes.
Ilya took a breath and walked down the hall towards his room. He passed by his parents bedroom or his fathers room. The door was wide open and his dad stood at the edge of the bed with the same unemotional face that he always wore. He'd heard everything and Ilya knew that. But neither of them did anything but stare at each other for a second.
That night he packed his things and spent the week at a friends house. No argument from either side because inevitably Ilya would be at practice - they knew where to find him if they wanted to.
David's holding him up and Ilya's looking into David's eyes but for a second it's his father and he's just 6 & his mother is alive, everyone's smiling as Ilya makes a goal. For a second, he's 15 again and he feels the sting of his fathers palm against his cheek. For a second, David Hollander looks like a lot like Ilya's dad in a casket 2 weeks ago...
"Fuck! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.", Ilya's just repeating the words - not to anyone specific but maybe to himself, to his father, to Shane. At some point the english becomes russian and he isn't cognizant of the switch.
The back of a hand tries to wipe at Ilya's tears and he flinches expecting a punch. It doesn't come. Instead it's strong hands - like his fathers, but they're tender and their touch is sincere - like Shane's.
"It's okay, Rozanov. Calm down, bud.", David is trying his best to soothe the rapid breathing with words, wipe the tears away, and keep this boy upright. Ilya's eyes are so red that David worries about how puffy they'll be tomorrow morning. "You did nothing to apologize for son."
The words don't register fast enough but eventually Ilya hears them. He looks up, his face sodden, and he holds the lump in his throat long enough to process David's actions. They're both on this cold hospital floor holding each other and it would be laughable if the situation didn't seem so dire. Ilya's throat is on fire from choking on his own sobs, a smoke would help oddly enough but he can't do that here.
"Sit, sit." David quickly ushers Ilya to Shane's bed while he takes one of the guest seats. For a moment his eyes dart between Ilya and his son before deciding that they probably need a little bit of privacy, "I'll uhh get you some water...", he walks out to the hall.
Tears are still trickling but they've slowed. Ilya catches his breath and closes his eyes. A hand reaches over and intertwines itself in his. He lifts his head and sees sad eyes that threaten to join him in the crying festivities. Ilya's bottom lip juts out in a pout and he cups Shane's cheek again. "Why are you crying?", he's trying to joke but it comes out choked.
"Ilya...", there's that soft voice again - the one that beckons to him in nightmares and dreams to stay but this time it's actually happening.
"I'm okay.", he smiles, trying to reassure Shane but it doesn't work. Shane just nods his head and tears begin to slip from both of them. "I'm okay.", Ilya says as he scooches closer to Hollander - Shane holds him as tight as he can with his good arm. The back of the hospital gown opens as Shane sits up and Ilya takes the chance to slip his hand inside and touch him skin to skin. It feels so good to just touch him right now but he knows if Shane wasn't doped up this wouldn't be happening - the word bittersweet doesn't come to mind because he doesn't know it yet.
They're both so pained by the situation and circumstance. How good would it feel to envelop one another in a kiss so sacred that it could only be held within the walls of hotel rooms and their homes right now? To completely ravage another person fully. To sink into each other like they have so many times? But it's the hospital. And even in Shane's drugged-out state he knows not to risk it. So they just hold each other and Ilya lets his hand trace Shane's spine.
The door opens and this time they don't let go of each other. "Got the water.", David puts it on the side table beside the hugging couple and sits down again.
After a minute, Ilya lets go and grabs the bottle - chugging it down because he's been drained of all the water in his body. "Thank you..."
"It's no problem.", David smiles at him with the eyes of a concerned father - not an angry one. He's leaning back in the chair, waiting for something but he doesn't exactly know what. He just saw his boy hugging someone who seems very important to him and that's all that really matters. Yuna would flip into questioning within a minute of seeing this but David just waits.
For a moment, no one's saying anything but Shane keeps trying to reach for Ilya's hand again - Ilya's trying hard not to notice, some subconscious thing he's still afraid of because the presence of another person. As if Shane's dad wouldn't also notice; even if he doesn't voice his observations, David Hollander is quite observant.
"I'm sorry for uhh coming in and interrupting you two.", finally he breaks the silence. He eyes the two boys; Ilya looks like he's being scolded but that isn't David's intention, Shane is only looking at Ilya. "And, look.", he has a feeling that he has to verbally voice this or it won't really reach Rozanov. "I'm not- I don't really...", David doesn't really know how to say what he's supposed to say and it's probably making the nerves worse but he pushes through.
"I just want you two to be really happy."
Ilya let's Shane's hand find his and his eyes soften towards David. He's trying really hard not to cry again and the only thing keeping him tethered to the world is Shane's thumb tracing circles on the back of his hand.
"Y'know Rozanov-"
"Ilya."
"Sorry. Ilya..."
The past 15 minutes have been the most emotionally dense moments of Ilya's life. Here he was crying in front of David Hollander. Shane Hollander's dad. Shane Hollander who Ilya is pretty sure he's massively in love with - so in love that it pains him to even think of a future where they could be together. So in love that a world with Shane means giving up his home; and maybe he's okay with that. And now, Shane's dad was telling him something. Something that seems impossible.
"...I've watched the both of you forever. I've seen you at each other's throats.", David was really bad at doing these sorts of talks, "But I also saw you at the All Star game. And...there was chemistry, no doubt about that.", he took a big breath trying to collect whatever idea he was really trying to convey with this. "You've both known each other since you were really young. And I think I've always known as a dad that maybe y'know... my kid has certain preferences." God, he's really screwing this up, he really wishes Yuna was here but also maybe it's better that she's not.
Ilya's trying to grasp as what David's saying. Something about him thinking Shane is maybe gay for sure which makes him smile a little but there's still that something.
"Okay. What I'm trying to say is- I think you guys should be more careful but I never want you to think that I am in any way telling you not to be together. I mean it's pretty clear to me that you two have something going on...", Ilya sighs the biggest breath of relief. David Hollander isn't Grigori Rozanov; his mind is clear enough to notice that now. "...and you care about each other very much, I'm sure. And hey! I'm okay with it, y'know? I've never not been okay with it. Just be careful because there are a few people who may not be so okay with it. Not- Not like you're mom or anything! God, no! She'd be shocked but-", David prattles on but all Ilya is hearing is acceptance. He's smiling really widely, picking up only about half the words that the other man is saying. All of it has the same meaning though. You can just be together. It's okay.
And Ilya could cry again but he's really trying not to-
"Thank you.", he takes Shane's good hand and holds onto it tightly, looking at David like he wants to say a million things but only has the english to say one.
"Of course.", David smiles and looks at the both of them, just happy that his son looks happy..., well not so happy right now. It's just then that he remembers exactly how drugged up Shane is. "Oh shit."
"What?", Ilya looks confused.
"Ahh just.", David gestures to Shane who has been zoned out looking at Ilya's hand in his and smiling the dumbest smile with tears still in his eyes ever since before his dad's speech. "He's gonna really regret this once he's sober."
Ilya just smiles at Shane's loopy-ness. "You think?"
"As his dad, I know."
"Ahh...", Ilya can only acknowledge with a noise and the nod of his head. He knows it too. That Shane will come out of this and either be furious or embarrassed or probably a mixture of both. It'd be a hard conversation - but one he's willing to have. He wipes at the spilt tears of his boyfriend? and kisses his knuckles as David gets up.
David starts taking the food he brought out of the bag and absentmindedly handing it to Ilya. Some macrobiotic meal that Shane surely asked for but Ilya takes note of the Ginger Ale & the small bag of oven-baked chips that he's brought as well.
"He uhh won't eat these unless he's really in a mood or in a state like this.", David sees Ilya eyeing the choice of snack. "He'll regret it when he comes to but you'll have to remind him that he's recovering and deserves a treat after getting concussed."
"Why are you telling me this?", Ilya's amused by the explanation but doesn't understand why it's being given.
David looks at Ilya who's already started setting up the food on the rolling table, then looks at Shane, whose good hand keeps trying to touch any free skin Ilya is showing. "I just thought you should know."