Chapter Text
Kanade wanted nothing more than to be hurt. She wanted nothing more than for the pain to go away.
It was a bit self contradictory. She was like that, she supposed. Someone who wants to save others but can’t. Someone who wants to save herself yet wants to keep on suffering like she deserves to. Did she want to be saved? If she didn’t, why was she continuously trying to get better? Shouldn’t she go back to being her old self, a shut-in addicted to energy drinks and surviving (barely) off of instant noodles, someone who never opened up to others? Granted, she wasn’t exactly opening up very well even now, but the others certainly knew more about her than they had before.
Before this. Before all this. Before they’d all become… friends. It still felt weird to say. That they were friends.
But they were. And Kanade didn’t want them involved in this. That’s why they didn’t know. What they didn’t know couldn’t hurt them. And Kanade couldn’t hurt them. She wouldn’t. She never wanted to hurt anyone ever again. And they would be hurt to know, that was certain. No matter how much Kanade deserved the pain, no matter how much her suffering was justified, they didn’t want her to keep hurting. Everytime she even looked close to passing out now, Ena would be there, her hands full of electrolyte drinks and snacks. All their calls were interrupted every half hour by Ena reminding her to drink some water, not to mention they all started with Ena questioning Mafuyu about whether Kanade had eaten. Which, recently was answered with a yes more often than Kanade would have liked. It was rare to see Mafuyu and Ena team up like this for anything. Really went to show how much they cared for Kanade.
She really wished they didn’t. What had Kanade done to deserve their care? She still hadn’t managed to save Mafuyu, Ena was the one who’d saved Mizuki. And she had helped Ena, sure, but the girl was so strong mentally that she’d basically saved herself with just a little encouragement. What had Kanade done that was good? Why did they care about her still? There was nothing she managed to do for them.
Kanade was a walking corpse, one who lay rotten on the floor of her room. Her barely visible floor, covered in old sheets of paper from failed compositions. It had gotten a bit better with Mafuyu here, but the girl was still at school. And Kanade had managed to make a mess of it again in the few hours the girl had been gone.
She wasn’t lonely. That wasn’t what this was. She wasn’t doing this because of it. She simply deserved the pain that she was meant to feel. The pain she was being prevented from feeling for so long. With everyone taking care of her, forcing her to take care of her, how was she meant to repent? How was she to keep suffering if no one would let her?
So Kanade had to take matters into her own hands. And she had to hide it from the others, had to hide it really well lest they feel hurt from her actions. It would certainly make them feel sad, to know she’d hurt herself. Mafuyu would probably never feel alright leaving her alone again, and she didn’t even want to imagine what face Ena would make.
Would she be mad? Ena had never been mad at her. Would she be upset with her, finally? That Kanade had not only ignored her advice on self care, small things like moisturizing her skin and drinking a lot of water, and instead gone ahead and carved up that skin like tearing old compositions into pieces? Although, if anyone were to understand tearing up failed pieces, it would be Ena. Kanade didn’t want to remind her of such painful things though.
The blade was sharp in her hands. Sharp, like the melody she’d wanted cutting deep into Mafuyu’s heart, back in those days they’d first met. She’d been selfish and she’d wanted so badly to save someone, finally. She’d also been selfish, in more ways that she couldn’t admit. She hadn’t wanted to lose anyone again. And now that they refused to leave her, she was complaining?
Real mature.
Her hands shook. Would they still stay, if they knew? Knew that their saviour was really just a lost little girl who couldn’t even save herself from her own hands? That her pain and guilt was so strong that she couldn’t help but want to hurt herself? If they saw her scars, saw her pain, would they still bother? Could they think she could be saved? Did she want them to? Did she want to change?
Kanade didn’t want to think about the answers. So she shut her mind up.
The metal was cold against her skin.
Deep breaths.
Kanade dragged the sharp edge over her skin. Blood drizzled in small amounts, making paths down her skin. It kind of looked like when she’d spilled an energy drink on her desk and it had dripped down onto the table. Only a bit more red.
Actually a lot more red.
Kanade shook her head. Just one wasn’t enough.
More. She had to hurt more. Another press of the blade into her skin, another drag across. Spoiling the frail white with even more red. Red like… Ena had once pointed out a color to her, a very pretty pink red that looked more red than pink. She’d said it was called carnation red. Kanade had loved it very much. She knew it was the same color her blood would make when she pushed her arms under the sink.
But not yet. She wasn’t done yet. More.
Kanade was hungry, hungry for her own pain. To be punished like she deserved and to be hurt.
So she dragged the blade again and again until her whole arm was covered in red.
Her shaking hands dropped the blade. It fell to the ground with a loud clank.
Ah. It really hurt. She wondered if her dad had felt pain like this too, before he passed out. Speaking of passing out, Kanade felt really faint.
As if on cue, her eyesight went dark.
“Kanade!” someone was screaming her name. Kanade looked up, barely managing to lift her head. Barely managing to make out a silhouette of a brunette girl, approaching her.
“Kanade!” the voice screamed again. Her vision cleared.
Ena looked horrified.
Kanade wished she could go back to being unconscious. This was the one thing she hadn’t wanted happening.
“Why?” Ena asked, with tears in her eyes. She took a deep breath before Kanade could answer.
“Okay. Fuck. It’s gonna be okay. Kanade, where’s your first aid kit?”
“The bathroom.” Kanade mumbled, not meeting her eyes. She couldn’t. Not like this, a shameful corpse rotting in agony. Ena should leave. “Ena.” Her voice sounded more in pain than she meant for it to.
“It’s okay, Kanade.” Ena said in a voice that indicated it clearly was not okay. “You’ll be okay.”
“Please don’t look.” Kanade choked out. She might have been a bit delirious but even in this state, she didn’t want to be seen like this. She was supposed to be the saviour, not the saved. “Just, go away.”
“No.” Ena said firmly, fixing her a look. “I’ll be right back.”
And with that, Kanade was left alone. The pain in her arms was starting to spread, an inevitable ache that slithered up her forearms. Kanade welcomed the pain. It would be better if it hurt a lot more, as punishment for what she’d done. And for involving Ena in this.
Ena was back quicker than she’d have expected her to. She must have rushed. Kanade didn’t know why she cared so much about her.
“Please give me your hand.”
Kanade obeyed, randomly reaching forward with one. They were both bleeding anyways. It didn’t matter which arm she picked. She also couldn’t stop Ena.
Ena sat down in front of her, bandages in her lap. She gently took Kanade’s hand, holding onto it firmly. As if Kanade would disappear if she let go. her hands were shaking.
Kanade felt guilty. She’d caused this.
“Sorry.”
Ena squeezed her hand in lieu of a response. Kanade wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean. She doubted Ena knew either.
Ena was struggling to wrap the bandages with just one arm but she refused to let go of her hand. Kanade couldn’t figure out why.
“I’m sorry.” she tried again.
“I know.” Ena still couldn’t meet her eyes as she wrapped the bandages around her arm. She tied it off neatly. “Other hand, please.”
Kanade obeyed. The hand Ena let go felt cold, like she’d dumped it in ice water. Her other hand was now quickly enveloped in the warm hold.
“Are we going to talk about it?” Ena mumbled.
“Ena...”
“We don’t have to. But I really think it would help you if we did.”
Kanade didn’t agree. It would just make everything worse.
“I really don’t want to.”she admitted.
Ena frowned, almost done wrapping the bandages. They were tight but they didn't hurt. Well, the cuts hurt but that was a given. That had been what she’d wanted. Why did she feel so guilty now? Was it because Ena had seen? Maybe. She was never supposed to know.
“Kanade.” she whispered. “We care about you. I care about you. It’s okay to open up to us sometimes, you know? We’re here for you.”
You shouldn’t be, Kanade thought. She didn’t voice it.
She just hummed. Ena tied the second bandage.
“Here. Don’t overextert yourself. That means no composing for a few days, you hear me?”
“But-”
“No buts! I’m pretty sure I did a shit job so you have to rest and let it heal. Honestly, both Mizuki and Mafuyu probably know how to do better job but you probably don’t want them to know so…” she trailed off.
“You won’t tell them?” Kanade asked. Ena’s frown softened.
“No, but you should. Talk to me if you ever feel like this again, Kanade. Or one of the others. Just know you don’t have to be alone.”
But she did. Why didn’t Ena get it?
Kanade just nodded. It felt bad to lie but she’d already made Ena concerned enough about her already. She couldn’t do any more.
“Okay.”Ena sighed in relief. Kanade felt guilty for lying. “Okay. Have you eaten yet?”
Kanade was grateful for the change of topic. She shook her head.
“Alright.” Ena said. I’ll heat up some stuff. And with that she left.
Kanade was left alone. The urge to go back to what she’d been doing was strong, but she couldn’t. Not with Ena here, not when she could get back any second. So Kanade sat still, trying to distract her from tears by humming an all too familiar tune. The tune from her music box. What right did she have to be comforted by her dad’s songs? After what she’d done? But she wanted to be, so badly. She wanted to be comforted.
Ena soon returned, carrying a bowl of food. Kanade reached for it. Ena pushed her hands away.
“No, silly. I said you have to let your arms rest.”
“Ena, eating some food won’t reopen my wounds.”
“Hmm, no. I think it’s safer if I just feed you.”
Kanade shrugged. Ena was so stubborn sometimes. It was something she usually liked in the girl but sometimes it made no sense, truly.
“Okay.” She conceded.
The food was warm on her tongue. Before she realized it, she was done with the whole bowl. Ena looked to be very proud of herself. “Okay, now go to sleep.”
“Ena…”
“Nope! You need to rest. Come on.” Kanade watched as Ena grabbed her hands, pulling her along as she went to sit on Kanade’s bed.
Kanade sighed, giving up on arguing. She closed her eyes.