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Aaron is quiet when they get back from Wishing Well. Robert lets him be. They sit on the sofa and Aaron drapes his legs over Robert’s lap with the telly on low.
Eventually, Robert gets up to make them something to eat. He stirs pasta on the hob and keeps looking back to check on how Aaron is. He knows he’s thinking of Faith and his mum and the fact that the world seems to be so unfair.
Robert stares out the window and thinks of the mighty Cain Dingle sick with something he can’t knock out with one punch. He turns when he hears Aaron sniffle. He’s crying.
“Hey.” Robert’s back on the sofa in seconds. “Hey, he’s going to be fine.” He rubs a hand over Aaron’s back, and then he can’t stop touching. Robert puts a hand on the back of Aaron’s neck and holds it firm, with his other hand he draws small circles over Aaron’s knee.
Aaron’s face is red and sad and Robert feels this ache in him. His mind takes him back far far far in the past. Cain’s got an aneurysm and it explains why Aaron’s being difficult. Robert remembers the instinct back then, he remembers reaching his arms out and Aaron wrapping his arms around him after those seconds of hesitancy.
Robert remembers Aaron being stiff and cold around him. He remembers the way his heart was thudding. He was so sure he'd done something wrong. He was certain that Aaron would push him away, tell him to do one but he didn’t.
Now, Aaron’s leaning into him a little and he’s calming down.
“Why him?” Aaron whispers.
Robert twitches a little, Aaron said the same in the pub and it made his stomach swirl a little in this way that scared him.
“There’s no reason, not with stuff like this.” Robert keeps one hand circling Aaron’s knee. Aaron stares down at Robert’s hand and then breathes out slowly.
“Moira’s in prison. The farm is …” Aaron gulps hard and Robert feels this wave of guilt strike him. “He doesn’t need this.”
“I know.” Robert says, because there’s nothing else to say and he hates it.
“You don’t.” Aaron says. He just says it and Robert has no idea what he means. He waits for Aaron to say more but then he doesn’t. He just keeps staring down at Robert’s knee like it’s the only thing he can do.
“OK. I’m sorry.” Robert says, because he can imagine it smoothing things over a little and also because he means it. He’s so sorry. “Maybe I was being selfish.” Aaron gives him this look that says ‘you don’t say’. Robert’s struck by how much he’s missed it. “I don’t want some random on the farm my dad …”
Aaron snaps out of wherever his mind has gone. He’s holding Robert’s hand, squeezing down.
“Cain shouldn’t have said that.” Aaron says quietly.
Robert thinks and thinks and thinks about how that sounds. No, Cain shouldn’t have said that. Not because it wasn’t true, but because it was spiteful and cruel and because Aaron knows that it hits Robert exactly where it hurts every single time.
“He’s angry.” Robert waves a hand out. He remembers Cain’s grip on him. For a second, he was back in prison and everything was so loud. It wasn’t Cain’s face looking at him with this anger, it was Jez. He was holding him so tightly. He was laughing. He just wasn’t letting Robert go.
“He’s not the only one.” Aaron looks down at the carpet and Robert tries to think of something to say. The Dingles will get over it, Robert’s pretty sure it will be Charity’s turn as the periarah next.
“I love you.” Robert whispers. It moves Aaron, he’s got a wobble to his chin that seems to come out of absolutely nowhere. “I want us to be happy.” He says. “I think we deserve it.”
Aaron nods his head slowly. “So do I.” He says. “Me and you. A farm.” He almost laughs.
“A family.” Robert says and then thinks of Seb so suddenly that it hurts. “I want us to have that. I’m sorry, I … I know your family is …”
“You.” Aaron says quietly, he says it like he’s fully aware and he can’t escape it. Robert wonders if the way Aaron loves him is so deep that he can’t separate it from who he is as a person. He supposes there's comfort there, he supposes sometimes it can also feel overwhelming. “You’re my family.”
Robert stills a little. Then looks down almost like he’s embarrassed. He’s not. He’s just sort of blown away by how honest it seems.
“I didn’t get a choice in them but I do with you.” Aaron plays with his hands. “You’re mine. They know that.”
Robert hasn’t often thought of himself as something special, someone just for someone else. It’s how Aaron makes him feel suddenly.
“I don’t deserve you.” Robert says, because he knows it’s true and because Aaron’s love feels unconditional.
“Yeah. You do.” Aaron says, and then he sighs. “Don’t make me give you a compliment, I’m still annoyed.”
Robert waves a hand out and then leans a little closer to Aaron, takes his hand. “I just want everything with you.” He says.
Aaron gives him this watery smile.
“A little farm, little family.” Robert watches Aaron and he sees his smile fall and he feels sick.
The feeling sort of whacks him over the head and it’s difficult to breathe for a second.
Aaron doesn’t say a word. He just nods but Robert remembers his face. He can still see it.
“Come here.” Aaron says, and he pulls Robert into this hug. It doesn’t make sense. Aaron’s angry at him. Robert’s just blown up the Dingle code or whatever. He’s drunk from the welly and then pissed all over their farm dreams but Aaron’s hugging him like he’s sorry and it doesn’t make sense.
Robert leaves it. He feels too scared to ask, to sit Aaron down and question why he looked like that when he mentioned a family. It stays so set on his mind, everything else becomes difficult to concentrate on. It’s the only thing he can think of.
Aaron works it out, because of course he does. He doesn’t snap or bark about anything, he stays close to his side when the Dingles glare and it’s this tiny comfort that Robert tries to hold on to.
He thinks of Vic. She would know what to say, she’d tell him to say something to Aaron and get them talking but she’s not here and everyone hates him and he doesn’t want to ever see that look on Aaron’s face again.
Robert stays quiet. Sam’s the one who puts his foot in it.
Robert’s walking past the pub days later, head down and trying not to have tomatoes chucked at him. Sam sees him, starts pointing.
“Cain’s got an appointment tomorrow. Not that you care.”
Robert just blinks at him.
“You know, you’d probably prefer if he was dead wouldn’t ya?” Sam is a lot of things. Robert has never been so certain that he’s an idiot.
“Yeah of course.”
Sam’s face is a picture. Robert almost finds it amusing. “You just admitted it. You … what's wrong with you?”
Robert decides to embrace how ridiculous this conversation is. “You. At the moment.”
Sam screws his face up and scowls. “You just have no heart do ya? Imagine it was Aaron. Could have been.”
Robert scowls. “Don’t bring Aaron into this.”
“Why not? He’s the only one you care about right?”
Sam does have a brain then.
“He could have been where Cain is. It would make more …”
Robert waves a hand out. “Look if this is your way of trying to make me understand …”
“Eh? That’s not what I’m doing.” Sam gets all shirty and Robert is five seconds away from calling him a pillock.
“God knows what you’re doing Sam. How about when you have a clue, you text me?” Robert’s unkind and Sam deserves it.
“You’re just like Joe!” Sam shouts as soon as Robert has his back turned because he’s a coward. Robert turns slowly. He’s insulted now. “Always seem to come out on top.”
Lydia’s by Sam’s side as she runs out of the pub in a flap because her idiot of a husband is speaking again.
“Sam, leave it.” Lydia says, because she has a brain unlike some.
“What’s all this?” Aaron’s marching over, hands in pockets and ready to growl.
“It’s not fair.” Sam tells her, like he’s five. “Aaron’s the one with the dodgy genes and he’s fine. He gets his hands on the farm.” He says.
The thing is, Robert hears it. He registers what Sam is saying even though the wind has picked up and it’s starting to spit. He hears the words come out of his mouth and yet it doesn’t panic him in the slightest. The only thing that does is the way Aaron’s face changes completely. He’s not rolling his eyes or telling Sam to shut up.
Instead, he’s turned pale and he looks like someone has punched him in the gut. He’s also looking right at Robert like he’s trying to gauge his reaction.
“What are you on about?” Robert asks before he even thinks.
Lydia drags at Sam, she looks at Aaron and then back at Robert and then she apologies and that’s when Robert feels like he’s going to collapse.
Aaron’s just still standing there. He’s still staring at Robert and then he walks towards him so slowly.
“Robert.” It usually helps. Aaron calling his name usually makes everything feel safer somehow. Aaron’s calling him. Aaron wants him. Aaron’s here here here.
Now Robert wants him to be quiet.
“Hey.” Robert feels a hand on his arm. Aaron’s. Aaron’s hand squeezes. “Robert, can you just let …”
“What does he mean?” Robert forces himself to say. It’s properly raining now but it’s almost like Robert can’t feel it. “What genes? What – what’s that got to do with Cain having cancer?” Aaron just stares at him, he’s not saying anything.
“Sam was …”
“Wrong? He’s – he’s confused. He’s an idiot. Right?”
Aaron closes his eyes.
It says a lot. It says so much.
“Can we go home so I can explain?” Aaron looks nervous. He’s only looked like that recently because Robert’s gone quiet and he’s worried. This is different. Robert can feel how different it is deep down in his bones.
“Explain what?” Robert whispers. He shakes his head. “Aaron, you’re scaring me.”
It makes Aaron pull this face. He looks heartbroken. Robert suddenly feels rain hit his head. Aaron’s hand is on his face and he’s saying sorry. It’s all Robert can hear.
“Why are you …” Robert breathes in. “Why are you not saying …”
That he’s wrong. That Sam’s got it wrong.
“Please.” Aaron begs. He never begs. He doesn’t ever look like this. Robert lets Aaron walk them back to the flat. He keeps his head down until the door is closed behind him and Aaron is telling him to take his coat off. “You’re cold, come here.” He drags Robert’s coat off of him. He’s gentle. He’s not saying anything.
“Why did Sam say that?” Robert asks. Aaron’s holding Robert’s wet coat over his arm and it’s dripping on the floor. Aaron isn’t opening his mouth. “Can you speak?”
“OK.” Aaron says, and he suddenly looks exhausted. “Can you just sit down?”
“Sit down? Why?” Robert feels like he’s going to be sick. “Aaron.”
Aaron sits down on the sofa. His knee is bouncing up and down and then he holds out his hand for Robert to come towards, to take, to hold as they sit and talk.
“I’m …” Aaron gulps hard. “I told you my mum had cancer.”
Robert nods. It’s the only thing he can do.
“Well um.” Aaron bounces his knee a little again. “It was passed down. From Faith. To my mum.” Robert keeps nodding. “So me and Cain, we did tests to see if we have this … gene. It’s um … my BR gene or something and um … and I do.”
“You do.” Robert’s tongue feels heavy in his mouth.
Aaron nods. “Yeah.” He says. “But I’m OK.” He whispers. Then he has a hand on Robert’s face. “Look at me. I’m fine.”
Robert’s head hurts and he suddenly registers how cold he is from the rain.
“You’re OK?” Robert feels like he’s not really here, he feels somewhere else and maybe Aaron realises too because he pulls Robert towards him even further and nods like his life depends on it.
“I’m OK.” Aaron says.
“But you might not be?” Robert figures it out. Aaron’s face falls a little. He gives it away and Robert’s shoulders collapse. “Aaron, Aaron.” He can’t stop saying his name.
“It’s not as simple as that.” Aaron says, like he’s a politician who can’t say what he really thinks.
“Stop.” Robert feels himself snap. Aaron just stares at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?” It’s the only thing he can think of right now. It makes so little sense. It’s a secret. It’s something Aaron has decided to keep.
Aaron breathes in. “I –” He shakes his head. “When? When was I meant to tell ya? We’ve been a bit preoccupied if you haven’t noticed.”
Robert thinks of John and Kev so abruptly.
“This isn’t telling me you’ve stubbed your toe Aaron, it’s cancer.”
“You don’t think I know that?” Aaron stands and Robert can tell he’s on the verge of crying. “I didn’t want to have to tell you. I didn’t want to have to think about it. It hasn’t mattered.”
“Why? You matter. That – that matters.”
Aaron rolls his eyes like he doesn’t agree.
“You could have told me any time. You – I thought you knew that.” Robert says quietly. “Any time.” He repeats. “The hundreds of times we’ve stared at each other in that bed and just talked about nothing until we fell asleep. How could you not tell me?”
“Like you’re Mr Honest.” Aaron says and Robert has to look away for a second because he’s right.
“This isn’t about me.” Robert eventually says. “This is …”
“I found out when you were inside, when I didn’t have you.” Aaron twists his lip between his teeth.
“So what?”
“So it’s — it’s not …”
“Not what? My business? Worth telling me?”
“I didn’t want to … I didn’t want to ruin this. It’s — it’s shit and I knew you’d look at me like that.” He waves a hand out, points right at Robert’s face. “You’d go into your fix it mode. You can’t do anything about it.”
“I know that.” Robert says quietly. “I’m not an idiot.”
“I didn’t say you were.” Aaron snaps. “But you’re all sad now.”
“Well obviously I am.” Robert says. “Sam of all people has just told me my — you have a dodgy cancer gene.”
Aaron pulls a face. Then he runs a hand over his face like he’s bored of talking about this. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Can you stop saying that? Of course it matters. You’ve got a higher risk of — you could get cancer.”
“I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. I think last year let us know that there’s plenty of other ways I could cop it.”
“This isn’t funny.” Robert says.
“I know.” Aaron’s face falls and Robert wants to hug him as much as he wants to push him away. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Robert thinks hard. “Who else knows?” Robert asks.
Aaron frowns. “Why does that matter?”
“Does Vic know?” Aaron shakes his head. “Did John?” It’s what he thinks and then he just sort of just says it. He doesn’t care how it sounds or what the question will do to Aaron.
Aaron looks haunted and sad and caught off guard suddenly. “Why are you mentioning him? Why is – why would you ask that? No. No he didn’t know OK?”
“I’m sorry.” Robert looks down. “I shouldn’t have said that.” He suddenly feels far away, like whatever he says next won’t count for anything. Slowly, he picks up his coat and Aaron comes towards him.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m just — I need some air.” Robert decides.
“OK, let’s go by the bridge.” Aaron offers and Robert knows why. Aaron knows that’s where he’s going to go. He knows him so well.
“No.” Robert says, too quickly. “I just need … I’ll be back later.”
“Robert.”
“Later.” Robert says and then he’s closing the door and walking away.
࿐ ｡ ₊ ·
It’s darker now. The sun has set and there’s hardly anyone in the village in this way that makes it easy for Robert to hide in plain sight.
He doesn’t go to the bridge, instead he sits on a bench and stares at David’s shop until his vision blurs and everything feels heavier. He thinks about how much this has affected him, how yesterday he had no idea and everything was easier. Aaron knew though, he has known.
He wants Vic suddenly. He wants her to drag him into hers for a cup of tea and he wants to cry a little and play chess with Harry and then go home to Aaron feeling better about it all.
He doesn’t get that.
“Robert?”
At first, Robert’s sure he’s just hearing things. Then he looks up and sees Lydia of all people standing over him with this concerned look on her face.
“It is you.” Lydia says like she wasn't sure at first. Robert just sort of stares at her and tries to think about the last time he had a conversation with the woman. He’s sure it was about cleaning products to use on windows. He’s sure it lasted about thirty seconds at the shop.
“What are you doing?” Lydia asks like it isn’t obvious.
“Sitting down.” Robert decides to be difficult, takes a leaf out of Aaron bloody Dingles book.
Lydia folds her arms over. “I can see that.” She turns and then tilts her head. “I would have thought Aaron had told you about his risk.”
Robert feels embarrassed suddenly. It’s something people would assume because they’re supposed to be a couple who spend every single second together, who know everything there is to know about each other.
“Yeah well he didn’t.”
Lydia hums and then sits next to Robert. “Sam won’t say it so I will, sorry about what he said earlier. It was uncalled for. Even if you are a slippery snake.”
Robert hardly takes anything she’s saying in. He realises quickly that she’s someone else who has known all this time. He wonders if it’s old news, if anyone has moved past it completely in a way Robert can’t.
“What Aaron … what he has means …” Robert feels like a child, desperately searching for answers from someone who knows more than he does. “It means he’s …”
Lydia pulls this face. She takes pity on him. “The gene is a faulty one. It means that he has a higher risk of getting cancer.”
Robert feels sick. He squeezes his eyes shut.
“Faith passed it on to Chas, and then Chas passed it on to Aaron.” Lydia explains carefully. “Caleb and Cain were the lucky ones. Well. It seemed like it then.”
“So what does that mean?” Robert blurts out. “He could get cancer and that’s it? There’s no … no way of …”
“Well there’s screenings and stuff I’d imagine but … he didn’t want to.”
Robert scowls. “What?”
“He didn’t want appointments and follow up with doctors and all sorts.” Lydia waves a hand out.
Aaron hates hospitals. Aaron hates fuss.
“So what? No one …”
“What? Dragged him there by his ear? No.” Lydia says and Robert feels this wave of anger roll over him.
He thinks about the amount of times Aaron’s been in hospital over the last year. It’s suddenly a good thing. It’s helped rule out anything sinister showing up.
Lydia tuts as she looks at Robert’s anguished face. He feels his heart racing, still. He feels like he’s going to be sick again.
“He’s OK love.” Lydia says.
Robert looks down at the gravel at his feet. “I’m so angry at him.” He feels it so vividly. It’s grabbed hold of him and he can’t shake it.
“Aaron was very … volatile let’s say. He didn’t care about himself when he found out. He didn’t have you. He’d lost Liv. I doubt he wanted to take care of himself.”
Robert cringes.
“If he — imagine he died.” Robert whispers, almost to himself. He’s embarrassed to think Lydia would have heard but she doesn’t say anything at all. She lets him sit and think about receiving a call in prison from Vic telling him that Aaron was ill, he didn’t have much time left.
“God.” Robert leans forward a little and tries to focus on breathing through his nose.
“Don’t go upsetting yourself.” Lydia says like it’s that easy to snap out of. “He’s OK.” She says and then she stands quietly and turns to leave.
“Thanks.” Robert says slowly. He looks up at her. “I’m probably the last person you want to be reassuring right now but …”
“This is bigger than … land.” Lydia says gently. She’s mad because she likes the Dingles and thinks Sam is good enough to be her husband but she’s also a decent woman. Robert can’t deny that. “Go and speak to him.” She says and then she leaves.
࿐ ｡ ₊ ·
Aaron’s by the front door when Robert comes in. He’s got his coat on and has his car keys in his hand like he was just about to leave. Robert thinks about letting him go, keeping the door open for him, telling him to leave and not come back until he’s got some sense knocking around in his head.
“There you are.” Aaron says. His face is red and it’s clear that he’s been crying. “I was just about to go looking for ya, where did you …”
“When’s the last time you had a check up?” Robert asks quietly. He can’t pretend. He thought he might be able to but just can’t.
Aaron looks about five years old, caught out and sorry.
“Robert.” Aaron says like he hopes just saying his name will be enough somehow. “It’s …”
“When Aaron?”
“I haven’t.” Aaron admits.
Robert has to look away. He can’t stare at Aaron because if he doesn't, he’s going to start finding it difficult to breathe. He’s going to lose it completely. The tiny part of him that thought Lydia might have got it wrong has just been completely torn apart.
“Ever?” Robert shouts. “Are you flipping insane?”
Aaron’s eyes are wide and sorry.
“You – you get told you have this gene that means you could get cancer, your mum has cancer, your nan dies from it and you – you just say OK no bother.” Robert can feel himself starting to cry and he looks away, takes a breath.
“It’s not like that.”
Robert closes his eyes. “You didn’t get checked, not even once?”
Aaron gulps hard. “No.” He says and Robert sees his jaw clenching.
“Why?” Robert wants to shake him.
“Because I didn’t care then and now I …”
“You didn’t care?” Robert asks and it makes him so scared. Aaron bites his lip. “What do you mean? Don’t – don’t say that.”
Aaron pulls this face. “I can’t — we can’t live like that.”
“Like what? Safe in the knowledge that you haven’t got cancer.” Robert shakes his head. “I want that. Please. God Aaron, we need that safety.”
“It won’t be safety.” Aaron says, like he’s thought about it a million times. “It will be checks and you worried over me complaining about back ache or a bruise or a UTI or something. I just can’t do that. I can’t.”
Robert shakes his head again. “You’re not making any sense.” He starts pacing the flat. “Am I going mad? How hasn't your mum dragged ya, she’s engaged to a flipping doctor.”
“She tried. She was a bit busy with having cancer herself.” Aaron snaps and Robert feels this wave of guilt hit him again. He doesn’t like thinking about the time when they were apart because he’s faced with the fact that all Aaron did was lose or nearly lose people.
Robert thinks about Paddy. And the rest of the Dingles. He thinks about the million other people in the village he should have dragged Aaron kicking and screaming and it just doesn’t make sense.
“They’re useless.” Robert says without thinking.
Aaron rolls his eyes. “I just didn’t want …”
“Want what? Your mum being a mum?” Robert says, because Chas has interfered enough in Aaron’s life other the years for a lot less.
Aaron’s eyes flicker like he’s hurt and Robert thinks about Aaron realising Chas has been a bit shit about all of this. He thinks about it being this blow to Aaron.
Aaron finally opens his mouth. “She doesn’t decide my life.” He says, and he sounds so irritated.
Robert scoffs. “Since when?”
Aaron scowls. “You don’t know everything you know.” He says, and it’s a jab. Robert would be sad about it if he wasn’t already so angry.
“Oh I know that. I know I have no clue you have this thing looming over your head, no, no our heads that you can’t be bothered to have checked.”
“Stop it.” Aaron says, like it’s a warning.
“Stop what? I’m right. I’m actually absolutely right on this Aaron. There’s no other way of looking at it. How could you just keep it to yourself? Why – why would you do that?”
“Are you seriously asking me that? Look at how upset you are.”
“Oh sorry. Sorry. No, let's try that again, you tell me this time and I’ll just shrug and say OK.”
Aaron rolls his eyes. “You’re being so dramatic about this.”
“What?” Robert stops walking up and down. He freezes and stares at Aaron’s guilty face.
“Robert, I …”
“Do you know how much I love you? You’re everything. I thought you knew that. I’m petrified of losing you most days and now this means …”
Aaron suddenly has a hand on Robert’s face. He looks so scared. His eyes are wider than they were a minute ago. “You’re not losing me.”
“How do you know that?” Robert says. “How can you know that when …”
Aaron slides his hand down and then shakes his head. “I don’t want to fight.”
“Well I do for once.” Robert snaps. He can’t remember the last time it’s been like this, he’s the one goading and wanting to make this worse. Robert takes in this big breath and then sighs.
“How about we … talk about this later?” Aaron takes this step forward. Robert knows exactly what he’s trying to do and he’s surprised by how little it’s working on him.
Robert takes a step back. “Aaron, we’re talking about this now.”
Aaron takes another step forward and then has a hand on Robert’s chest, and then his stomach and he kisses him. It takes Robert by surprise. “I should have told you, I’m sorry. Are you not going to let me make it up to you?” He whispers, right in Robert’s ear. He might as well palm at Robert’s crotch whilst he’s there.
Robert has willpower apparently. He pulls Aaron’s hands away from him. “Talk to me.” He says.
Aaron rolls his eyes again and then starts taking his coat off.
“Don’t strip. I mean it. I’m so angry at you.”
“Calm down! I got the hint OK? I’m just hot.” Aaron balls his coat up and tosses it on the rack in this way that makes Robert even angrier. “Can we please just forget this?” He asks and he sounds so innocent.
Robert shakes his head. “No.” He says. “No we can’t. I can’t ever forget what you’ve – no what Sam’s just told me. I need you to be with me on this.” He makes it sounds like this is some business deal Aaron’s being difficult about and not life and death.
Aaron chews his lip and looks so stubborn as he struggles with what to say. “I can’t.” He says.
Robert runs a hand over his head the way he does when he’s overwhelmed. “Why wouldn’t you want to be sure?”
Aaron looks away like if he does Robert won’t be able to tell how upset he is. “I just want to think about the future in a good way.”
“It could help us have a future. Don’t you get that?”
“Not the way we wanted though.” Aaron says quietly and Robert doesn’t understand, and then he thinks and he does.
Robert can still remember the dream he had when Natalie was flying into their lives and their biggest worry was what Liv was going to end up doing after college. A girl. Their daughter. Aaron’s eyes. Massive head. Their girl. Aaron's swimmers. Liv so freaked out.
“Aaron …”
“I think about … I think that so much sometimes.” Aaron admits. He pulls arms around himself and his chin wobbles. “Liv and Seb. They’d have been amazing with more kids around wouldn’t they? Seb doesn’t even know who she is. She was so important and he doesn’t know who she is.”
Robert hasn’t thought about that. He feels so guilty suddenly. He hasn’t considered that Seb is growing up in a world where Liv isn’t around and she was his best bud once.
Robert feels a little lightheaded. “I …”
“I can’t give you that. There. Is that what you wanted me to say?” Aaron’s crying. He’s crying in this way that makes it difficult for Robert to breathe. Aaron hasn’t cried like this in a long time. He looks devastated and Robert remembers his reaction to them having a little family of their own.
He can see his face.
It’s been haunting him for days.
It’s there again.
Robert comes forward and pulls Aaron towards him. He wraps his arms around Aaron so tightly that he can’t breathe right but he doesn’t care. Aaron squeezes him closer and then he’s pushing himself away and sighing hard.
“Sorry. I’m sorry.” Aaron keeps saying. He’s staring at the floor now. Robert doesn’t know what to say, or do, or think.
“Please don’t say that. Not about this, it’s not your fault.” Robert whispers.
Aaron has this faraway look on his face when he looks up at Robert. “At first I … I didn’t actually care.” He says and Robert thinks back to what Lydia said. “In fact …” Aaron almost laughs. “I thought it was this weird sign. Like yeah, you are damaged goods. You weren’t meant to have kids. You’re an idiot for thinking that …”
Robert holds Aaron’s hands and shakes them. “Hey. Stop.” He says. He can’t hear it. He can’t. “Look at me.” He whispers. Aaron does. He’s still got tears in his eyes. “I love you so much. I love you more than anything or anyone or any future we could have. I love you.”
Aaron looks like Robert has just punched him in the chest. He’s all droopy and sad and Robert hasn’t seen this Aaron in so long.
“I meant it when I said you’re my world. You. Everything is around you, you being happy and healthy is at the centre of everything.”
Aaron’s chin wobbles. “Robert, I’m fine.”
“For now yeah but we only know that cause you’ve been in and out of hospital for other things.”
Aaron doesn’t say anything which is a telling sign that he agrees or at least knows there isn’t anything he can say back to that.
“I know things have been mad. I know I’ve made things mad.” Robert says slowly. He holds at Aaron’s arm and breathes out a single breath. “But. You’re more important than everything else and I need you to look after yourself.”
“I know.”
“And that includes getting yourself checked over.” Robert says. Aaron looks away. “Aaron, I meant it.”
Aaron gulps hard. “And what if it’s bad news? What then?”
Robert feels this darkness creep over him. He imagines the very worst. He imagines Aaron fading into nothing much at all and Robert right by his side and it being an honour.
“We deal with it. Together. We find out and we deal with it like we have done with everything else.”
Aaron’s shoulders fall. “That simple?”
“Yeah.” Robert says.
“Like we haven’t got other things to deal with? You really want to raise kids with a bloke who could …”
“With you. Yeah you idiot. This hasn’t changed that. We’ve got options. We’ve got time.”
Aaron bites his lip and turns away. “Time.” He says quietly. “That’s all I used to think about after I found out. When I got that letter.” Robert wants to see it for some reason. He knows there’s no real point but he wants to hold this fear in his hands and deal with it that way. “I used to think about dying.”
Robert watches Aaron sit down on the sofa, moving almost without thinking. Then he’s closing his eyes. Whenever Aaron closes his eyes, he’s somewhere else and he’s meaning to be there. It’s his way of trying to order how to say things in his head. Robert knows it. He feels it every time Aaron does it.
This time, Robert sits on the sofa with Aaron and decides to not interrupt Aaron right now.
“Not in a bad way.” Aaron says slowly. “Not in like … a self harm sort of way. I just used to think that any minute now I could have something change in me. I could have this thing inside me that’s going to kill me.”
Robert smooths a hand over his knee and tries to stop from panicking about how he feels, how much he wants to take all this pain away from Aaron as quickly as he can. He wants the stupid flipping gene. It should be him. It shouldn’t be Aaron, Aaron of all people. It makes so little sense that it’s hard to even imagine.
“Then it seemed ironic.”
“Don’t say that.” Robert says quickly.
“Why? It’s true.” Aaron sounds so calm, so sad and so calm and Robert realises he’s had time to think about this in a way that Robert just hasn’t. “I tried topping myself. I’ve – I’ve hurt myself. Badly. And then it turns out that all this time, I had this …” He hangs his head just a little and then just stares at the floor in silence for a few seconds. “I didn’t care what it said. Not then. I didn’t care.”
Robert rubs a hand over his face to stop Aaron from seeing him so upset. He wants him to keep talking. He wants him to be honest.
“Then I thought about you.”
Robert looks at Aaron and can’t hide his surprise. Aaron has this sad smile on his face as he nods like he wants Robert to know exactly what he means.
“I thought about you getting out, and me not being here anymore.” Aaron wipes the tears from his face and makes this small wounded sound. “I didn’t want to admit it to myself but … after Liv died, I had nothing. I had no one. I just – I’d think about you. You kept me going, thinking about some world where we were together again.” He sniffs, and then wraps his arms around himself a little.
Robert wants to hold him but he waits.
“And then that letter just — it was like a death sentence. It was like everything was just over and I wouldn’t even get to have you. I wouldn’t have you.” Aaron says. “I wouldn’t ever see you again. That’s what I kept thinking about. It’d keep me up at night.”
Robert imagines a world where Aaron had cancer, and died, and his life was over just like that.
“I thought about writing you a letter. Telling you. Then I thought about you being upset over it and I just … I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to make anything worse.” He looks down.
“Aaron.” Robert can’t help but pull his hand into Aaron’s and squeeze down. “Aaron, I’m so …”
“Don’t.” Aaron says so firmly that Robert sits up straighter. “Please don’t say sorry. I don’t want that from you.”
“OK.” Robert nods. He wants to ask Aaron what he does want but he’s certain he knows the answer. He wants them to stop talking about this, like it’s this minor inconvenience and not the possible end to Robert’s entire world.
Aaron lets out this shaky breath. “I didn’t want to have to talk about this.” He says. “I know I should have told you, I know and I’m sorry but I didn’t want you to worry about me.”
Robert shrugs. “That’s part of my job.”
“It’s not funny.” Aaron bounces his knee and looks deep in thought. “You used to be worried about me all the time. I could feel it.”
“That’s ...”
“When we were living at my mum’s. After Gordon. After Kaseem. After prison. After – after Rebecca.” The list seems endless and Robert feels struck by how Aaron’s put it and how far away from the truth it really is. “I don’t want that now. I just – I don’t want that now we’re older and better and …”
Robert nods his head, then squeezes a hand down on Aaron’s knee gently. “I’m always going to worry. But – but if we can have tests ...”
“We?” Aaron looks up. “It’d be me Robert.”
“I’ll take any test you do. We'll do it together. It’ll just be something we have to do like listen to your lot talking about Dingle law.” Robert says and Aaron smiles. It makes everything feel easier for just the smallest of seconds. Aaron gives Robert this look. He’s seen it before. Aaron looks so in awe and it does something funny to Robert’s chest.
“It’s scary.” Aaron whispers, like he can only manage to have Robert hear.
Robert nods. “Yeah it is. So’s your baking though.”
Aaron laughs. It’s such a brilliant sound. It’s rare, this surprised bark of a sound. Aaron laughs and it’s all in his eyes. Robert stares until his vision is blurry.
“I love you.” Aaron says.
“I love you too.” Robert nods. “Nothing’s going to change that you know. Nothing. Kids. No kids. Eighty years more. Five minutes left. I just … you need to know that. It’s us. We’re – we’re a team and we’re together aren’t we?”
Aaron gulps hard. Robert hears it through the silence. His eyes are blue and wide and wet with tears still. “Yeah.” He says.
“This isn’t stopping anything.” Robert says quickly. “I won’t let it.”
Aaron closes his eyes for a second. “It’s not that simple.” He says. “The baby we …” He looks so far away. “Our baby … if that happened then they might have had this gene too and it would have destroyed us. I know it.”
“We’d have got through it.” Robert says because there’s not a single thing he can think of that he couldn’t get through without Aaron beside him. It seems that simple in his mind.
Aaron gives Robert this sad smile again. “I forgot how whimsical you could get about us.”
“We’re the best couple in the world Aaron. Don’t forget that.” Robert manages to make Aaron laugh again and it feels like he’s flying for a second or two.
There’s silence between them as Aaron looks down at Robert’s hands and then up at his face again.
“I should have told you. I just couldn’t.”
“I know.” Robert says as gently as he can. “I know, it’s OK.” He says and he means it. He’s surprised by how quickly he’s past the anger at not knowing. He supposes it might come back in waves every now and again but right now it pales in comparison to this need to make Aaron happy.
Aaron tilts his head to the side. “Are you sure?”
Robert nods. “We’re going to be so happy, do you know that?” Sometimes Aaron needs to hear it, he needs to have Robert just spell it out for him as simply as he can. Aaron nods. “We’re going to have a farm that’s ours and we’re going to have Vic and Harry back and – and Seb.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Robert says quickly. “And kids. Me and you. Raising kids. That’s what I want. That’s what we’ll have. I promise.”
Aaron gives him this look that Robert can’t read.
“What?” Robert asks.
Aaron smiles with his eyes. “Nothing.” He says. “You just … make everything better don’t you?”
Robert’s heart thuds hard in his chest and he feels a little lightheaded.
“Think you’re the only one in the world who thinks that right now.”
Robert thinks of Aaron being his number one fan. His only fan. He thinks about Aaron choosing him over and over again. He thinks about Aaron not telling him about this gene because it would make Robert sad, like that’s what matters most.
Aaron rolls his eyes, tells him that he’s an idiot for thinking that and then he’s hugging Robert. Aaron’s hands wrap around Robert tight as Robert runs a hand through Aaron’s hair and kisses at his head.
࿐ ｡ ₊ ·
Later, Robert stares at Aaron sleeping and watches as his chest goes up and down. He’s not going to tell Aaron how scared he still is, he’s not going to think about the endless possibilities and the way everything could just stop one day. There’s no point.
Instead, he ends up dreaming about Aaron running down a hill with a child on his shoulders. He dreams of laughter and Aaron’s voice and it’s everything.
When he wakes up, the sun is shining brightly and Aaron makes them coffee and it’s going to be OK. Robert knows it, he knows it’s going to be just fine in a way he can’t explain.
“I’m – I’m going to go to the doctors this morning.” Aaron says, and he looks up at Robert carefully as he speaks. “Seeing about – about tests and stuff.” He chews his lip. Robert nods. “Will you … if you haven’t got anything else on, would you …”
“I’m coming with you.” Robert says.
Aaron smiles. “Thank you.” He says shakily.
Robert kisses Aaron gently, the kind of kiss that he never thought he’d get to have with Aaron when they first met. It’s slow and loving and tender and saying everything he can’t put into words at the moment.
For now, it’s enough.