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Suguru knocked on Satoru’s bedroom door before he had the chance to lose his courage and the words stuck on the top of his mouth. His hands rapped against the wood in a sure and steady rhythm, as though he knew exactly why he was here and what he was going to do.
The truth couldn’t be farther than that. In reality, Suguru had simply let his feet carry him to the place he had been itching to go to.
That place always seemed to be Satoru Gojo.
It was funny, because Suguru planned for the last time he would see Satoru to be weeks ago- back when he had left for an advanced mission out east, leaving Suguru behind again. But it seemed fate had something else in store for the two, because Satoru has gotten home early. A day too early. Sure, it complicated things for Suguru if Satoru was here, but it didn’t mean it made it impossible to achieve what he hoped he would.
Which meant Suguru couldn’t resist the temptation of adding something new to his plan, to the things he wanted to do before leaving. He could never resist when it came to Satoru.
The door opened slowly, and a disheveled Satoru was the sight that greeted Suguru.
Satoru’s white hair was a mess of dropping spikes, looking damp from a shower Suguru assumed he had. It couldn’t have been from the rain outside, not when Infinity stopped the water droplets. He was wearing a stupidly baggy shirt that had some random American popstar lazily printed onto it, a shirt Suguru had bullied him for wearing countless times. It was thrown on with his black pants. Suguru’s black pants. He had been wondering where they had gone.
Satoru rubbed his eyes and then opened them, finally looking at Suguru. Had he not known it was him at the door? Suguru found that unlikely.
Despite the sleepiness that so obviously covered Satoru’s form, he brightened up almost in an instant when he saw Suguru.
That made Suguru feel the slightest bit awful for what he was going to do tomorrow. He was taking something away from Satoru, which had never been something he wished for. He never wanted to be selfish in a way that hurt the other boy.
It couldn’t be avoided any longer, though. It was now inevitable.
“You look like shit, Suguru,” Satoru teased gently, even though he looked almost just as crappy. What a nice greeting.
“Don’t you go saying that while wearing that shirt, Satoru,” he said back, trying and failing to not rise to the bait. “Here I was coming to say hi after we’ve been apart for so long, and your first thought is to insult me? I’m wounded,” he deadpanned. He was far from insulted. He didn’t think Satoru had it in him to actually insult Suguru. No, that was impossible.
Satoru snorted and opened the door a little wider so that Suguru could step in before closing it again.
The room was just as chaotic as it had been the last time Suguru had entered it. Posters flooded the walls, mostly of video game characters or random celebrities Suguru didn’t bother to learn the names of. Several pop cans littered Satoru’s desk, on top of the homework he was most likely going to procrastinate until the last minute once again. His bed had been sloppily made, numerous plushies shoved up in the corner of the mattress.
Only one lamp was alight in the room, warm and dim.
Satoru flopped down on top of the purple bean bag he had, limbs sprawled out as he closed his eyes again and let out a huff. “Sit wherever,” he said, gesturing lazily with one hand.
Suguru decided to sit right down in front of the bed, leaning against the frame as he looked at Satoru.
Now that he was here, he didn’t now if he would be able to say what he wanted to say after all. Why was it suddenly difficult? It had never been this hard to communicate anything to Satoru.
Was it because Satoru could usually just tell what was up with Suguru? That innate knowing that seemed to slip away from their grasps the longer they spent apart between missions? Was their.. Suguru didn’t want to think that way.
He was an idiot for thinking he could do this.
“Why’d you want to see me at midnight, Suguru? I thought you’d be asleep by now,” Satoru said, still closing his eyes.
Ah, Suguru should have assumed Satoru would be able to tell something was up, despite the bit of doubt that had just crept into his mind moments earlier. It was true that as of late, Suguru had been sleeping more often that not.
There had been a time when he would stay up late with Satoru as they watched shitty movies and television shows in each other’s dorms, snacking on caramel popcorn or chocolates they’d stolen from the cafeteria that afternoon. A time when the call of exhaustion wasn’t so strong, and they were able to enjoy each other’s presence for longer than a few moments. A time where Suguru could fall asleep on Satoru’s shoulder as he beat the final boss of a random video game he’d bought with his clan’s money.
Those times had long since passed now. Suguru mourned for them more than he wanted to admit.
“I’ve missed you,” is what Suguru settled on saying, pulling his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. The words felt like water in his throat, and his gut swirled around in an odd form of anxiety.
He’d never gotten used to being vulnerable or honest. When he finally opened up around Satoru, it had been a difficult thing. Now, he’d gotten out of practice.
There was a prickling sensation in the back of his eyes, and Suguru had to swallow harshly to keep himself from letting his emotions get the best of him.
His words stir Satoru into sitting up, looking at him with a frown etched into his face, soft and a little worried looking at the tone Suguru had used.
“Yeah,” Satoru sighed, not full of the boundless energy he used to contain, “I’ve missed you too,”
And that, that made Suguru regret everything he was planning on doing. It wrenched his heart open, and it was all he could do to cradle it once more to its cage between his lungs and stop it from pouring out to Satoru.
“All these missions suck ass,” Satoru continued, “Sometimes it seems like they’re tryna keep us apart on purpose,” he said.
Suguru couldn’t debate that. Sometimes it did seem that way. The higher ups knew what they were doing, but Suguru hated how little he saw Satoru. He hated the loneliness that had crept up and devoured him.
“Putting us both on the same mission would be redundant, since we’re more than capable of handling our missions alone,” Suguru said, trying to put reason to whatever the higher ups were thinking. “Though yes, I agree, its... it is annoying,”
Satoru doesn’t say anything in response to that, simply nodding with an irritated hum. He leaned forward, looking Suguru in the eye for a moment before turning his head away to look at the wall.
Suguru should say what he came here to say. He should. It was difficult though, to quell the shaking in his hands. Despite the ever present bitterness in his taste buds, and the tiredness that seemed to accompany him no matter what he did, Suguru knew he needed to push through.
This was selfish. So, so, selfish.
“Satoru,” Suguru began, looking anywhere but at the white-haired boy, “I... I have something I need to tell you,”
Satoru perked up at that, looking straight at Suguru. “Yeah?” he questioned quietly.
The stillness and quiet of the room made this all too intimidating.
“It’s... I’m going to sound stupid,” he said, pushing a piece of his completely loose hair behind his ear. “But I can’t not say it,”
“Cmon Suguru, when have I ever bullied you for anything you’ve said?” Satoru teased gently.
Suguru would have laughed if he didn’t feel terror and dread at the very thought of his next words.
“Countless times,” he responded, his words nothing but breaths. He almost wished Satoru would simply make fun of what he was going to say. Then Suguru could play it off as a joke, and leave tomorrow with less guilt in his hands than he would have if Satoru was going to take this seriously.
“Still, I promise if whatever you’re gonna say is that important to you, I won’t make fun of it,” Satoru said, tilting his head, “Don’t leave me hanging after saying something so ominous,”
Suguru wet his lips, biting them for a moment before leaning his head back against the bed again, looking at Satoru with tired eyes.
The moment hung between them like an axe about to fall.
“I love you, Satoru,”
It was only a matter of saying those four words, but it had seemed a Herculean task. Something impossible to word, or to communicate to the one they were directed at.
Oh, and Suguru hated himself for saying those words. He hated that he said them.
It wasn’t fair to Satoru to be burdened with these feelings. Especially when Suguru was planning on making it so that this never went any further than this moment. Than this confession of what had been growing in his chest for months.
The silence was too long for Suguru’s liking so he did the only thing he could- filled it.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Suguru said, “You... you can pretend I never said anything at all, but the truth is that I love you. I’m sorry,” he knew his voice was shaking, he knew he looked pathetic, sitting there running his hand through the hair on his scalp. “I know it isn’t fair to push these feelings onto you so suddenly,”
Satoru’s expression turned indignant at that, and he stood up, rolling off the bean bag before plopping himself down right next to Suguru, taking his shoulders in his hands.
“Don’t you say sorry for telling me that, idiot,” Satoru seethed, his blue eyes wide and his face twisted in something between agony, surprise, and joy.
Joy?
Suguru didn’t pull away from Satoru’s hold on him and let Satoru continue.
“I love you too, in case you haven’t noticed,” Satoru said, and Suguru couldn’t help the tears that finally burst from his violet eyes. “And I’m so glad you finally said something,”
Suguru was selfish and stupid and he was going to break Satoru’s heart. He knew that, he knew all of that, but he still let himself cry.
Satoru did the unexpected thing, and gathered Suguru in his arms, pulling him against his chest as Suguru cried.
Why was he the one crying, when he was the one who did something wrong? This was all wrong.
He was still content with the words Satoru had told him. There was a part of him that knew Satoru had loved him back. Why else would the other boy let him so close to him? Why else would he be the only one Infinity was ever lowered for? The only one who was allowed to see all of Satoru’s emotions, and was the only one Satoru ever acknowledged as one of the strongest?
All the little moments that had led up to this, had led to Suguru crying at being accepted for once in his lonely, short life, were evidence of what Satoru had said being true.
For a second, Suguru considered not going through with it. He thought about letting Satoru continue to hold him for the rest of their lives, letting him into his heart and letting him fix the seams that had been ripped open.
But no, he couldn’t. Suguru couldn’t go on, even with Satoru at his side. That was why he was selfish.
“Did you really think I would reject you?” Satoru asked, after minutes had gone by, his hand in Suguru’s hair, brushing through it as Suguru’s face was pressed up again his chest.
Suguru took in a deep breath and wished he could stay there and memorize the feeling of Satoru holding him for the rest of eternity. It was the only feeling that made him briefly fantasize about a world where he would be able to do this every single day of his life.
“I wasn’t sure,” Suguru said, and he knew he was lying. He had been sure. The way Satoru acted around him made it far too obvious he was at least crushing on him. Suguru just hadn’t wanted to materialize those words into existence, because it made it harder to go forward. To move on from this world after he had cemented a tie to it.
Satoru hummed in thought, pressing his mouth against Suguru’s head in what could only be a semblance of a kiss.
Suguru ignored the flush of his cheeks, deigning to not look up at Satoru.
“Then you’re stupider than I thought, Suguru,” Satoru half-joked. “There isn’t a single world where I’d reject you,”
And didn’t that sound fanciful? Satoru had never been much of a poet, so the words took Suguru a little off guard. Once again, he almost laughed through his tears. Suguru wanted to believe it.
He tilted his head up, shuffling so that he could sit properly, looking Satoru in the face. His lips curved into a slight smile, despite the salty, sticky tears that coated his skin. “You’re the idiot,” he croaked out.
Satoru smirked, taking Suguru’s face in his hands. “Yeah, but won’t I be your idiot? I think that makes up for my apparent lack of intelligence,”
Suguru’s face was burning, he was sure of it, and something vaguely uncomfortable simmered in his gut as he heard Satoru say those words. Oh, how he wanted that to be the case.
But he couldn’t take it anymore.
Satoru was the only good thing left in this world, and even he was scarce these days.
Suguru regretted this whole scenario with every passing tick of the clock. He wanted to burst out into sobs again, and to drown in the salt of it.
Before Suguru could stop him, Satoru had tucked a piece of Suguru’s hair behind his ear and brought his face down to meet Suguru’s.
Their lips pressed together in the first and final kiss they would ever share. Soft, warm, and saccharinely sweet.
Suguru could have survived a little while longer if he knew that was what he was going to be living for. He might have been able to live for Satoru’s kisses.
They’re both breathless when they pull away, and there’s something gleaming in Satoru's eyes that Suguru is sure he’ll never be able to see again. He planned on never being able to see Satoru again, after this. That was before he had gotten to see Satoru smiling in the afterglow of their kiss. Of something so quiet and small it would be of no importance to anyone but them.
“Yeah,” Suguru huffed, “My idiot,”
The words cut up his throat as he said them.
That night, Suguru falls asleep next to Satoru, holding onto the last thing he cared about.
---
It turned out, in the end, that all of Suguru’s plans were to be wasted anyways, burnt away in the blue blaze of his cursed spirits’ power. Power derived from Suguru’s channelled apathy and rage at the audacity of these villager’s actions towards weak and helpless children.
There was a world where Suguru had gone through with his plans. His plans of killing himself after finishing this small mission. But that world was not this one. His disgust and hatred had reared its head, and he couldn’t stop himself from lashing out.
As he stared at the ashes of the buildings with cold contempt, he realized there was no point in ending his own life, no meaning to it now. He had only decided on doing it because of his desperate, final strings of attachment to the non-sorcerer population. It had been his last ditch effort to protect them from himself and his anger.
Now, that was something that wouldn’t happen anyways. He could not protect non-sorcerers from himself any longer.
Not when the hundred bodies burnt and simmered at his hand, torn apart first by the mauling jaws of his monsters.
His meaning now laid in finishing the destruction of what had driven him to destroy in the first place.
What he had done last night still filled him with a shame, and regret.
He hadn’t wanted to make it more difficult for Satoru to kill him.
He never wanted to hurt Satoru.
But he had. Suguru knew he had.
Only beasts harmed the ones they swore they loved.