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All Kaworu can feel is the warmth of Shinji's breath against his neck, the way his arms are wrapped around him pulling him in closer as if never wanting to let go.
He can hear his heart pounding against his and Shinji's rib cages as he places a kiss atop the shorter boy's head.
He lives for moments like these...
When he can hold Shinji close and pretend that their time together won't be fleeting and short and that soon he won't be gone and starting over again.
He'd give anything to stay here forever like this.
With the beauty of piano melodies in his head....
With being able to talk to Shinji....
To feel the warmth of his palm against his unnaturally cool skin.
To be able to forget the pain of watching Shinji's face as he murdered him or as he watched helplessly as Kaworu did what was necessary to keep Shinji alive.
'Nothing golden can stay' a great poet once said and Kaworu knew that better than anyone. He lived for these moments...these timelines where he could hold Shinji like this...
Kiss Shinji like this....
Make love to Shinji like this...
He quickly fought down the tears and bile rising in his throat and eyes. He needed this to just be able to hug and hold Shinji and pretend it was all okay. That maybe this time around things would be different.
That he wouldn't have to die.
That he wouldn't need to be the reason for Shinji's tears.
He wouldn't need to betray Shinji.
He could just kiss him and cuddle him and they could do normal couple things.
Like go to the zoo...
Or have their first kiss on the way home from school...
They could go to an arcade and play games all day...
Kaworu could sit and ride the train with Shinji with music playing in their ears...
He could fall in love normally...
He could spent the night at Shinji's and one thing could lead to another and they have some sort of heated make out session like normal people do....
Then he could plan a special night and he take Shinji to a nice 5 star hotel and cover a bed in rose petals and they could become one...
He could pop the question...
They could move in together...
Get married...
Adopt kids...
Grow old together...
But that would never happen as fate would have it because Kaworu was destined to be a disgusting monster. He would never be able to give Shinji what he desired... What he needed. He didn't deserve this... Shinji deserved better than him. They deserved better than this star crossed lovers fate. They deserved happiness.
A soft caress of a hand to his face pulls Kaworu back from the dark crevices of his mind. And he sees him with his beautiful black hair and his eyes so full of worry.
"Kaworu don't be worried I'm sure tomorrow will go fine with the double piloting and retrieving the spears especially with you by my side." Shinji says with a soft smile a light blush painting his pale cheeks.
Kaworu knows what will happen tomorrow. How the timeline will reset how everything he's built with Shinji here will be gone...
Like it never happened...
But he smiles and places his lips to Shinji's as if to reassure him that everything will be fine.
To allow himself this peace of feeling Shinji's warmth.
To let bygones be bygones so to speak.
And to allow himself to enjoy what little time he has left with Shinji.
That is.
Till...
They...
Meet...
Again...