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It was rare for Shidou to be out smoking since his responsibility for being the prison's doctor consumed him fully. He wasn't complaining, though, he liked to seem useful and have something to live for. He had a spare moment to himself, since most of the prison was asleep and he knew it was Kazui's interrogation day. There was something in him that wanted to stay up and be there for him. The doctor looked up at the night sky, standing on the small balcony of the prison and leaning on the wall. He exhaled the smoke and watched it cloud over the sky for a second.
“Oh, Shidou-kun, a pleasant surprise.” The older man's voice was heard behind him, but it moved with him, now standing beside Shidou and leaning on the balcony. He instinctively reached for his cigarettes in his pockets - but they weren't there. It was unlike him to forget. Maybe this day did take a toll on him. Shidou gazed at him, offering a small smile as he took note of how tired and distressed Kazui looked.
“Need a smoke?” he asked, offering his own cigarette. “This is my second tonight” he added quickly before the older one could refuse. Kazui let out an airy chuckle and took it, trying to ignore the implications that Shidou had used it before him. Now isn't the time, he just needed a cigarette and a drink to comfort him.
A comfortable silence rang out between them, taking time to enjoy each other's company and occasionally glancing at each other. Kazui’s thoughts raced as he took a drag of his cigarette, there was so much he had just said to the prison guard and so many questions in his mind. His original plan was to burden himself with everything, but Shidou was such a comforting presence. He remembered every late night discussion they had, both in the smokers club and between each other. He missed those moments where he could speak to the doctor since he's been constantly looking after Mahiru. He had to treasure these rare moments of peace with him. He looked him up and down, there was something therapeutic about him, something that made him feel like he could talk about himself - but he was afraid. What if he turned out like his childhood friend? Anyone close to him could just leave and he wouldn't let that happen.
But if what Es said was true, about a minority of people now being more accepting of LGBTQ+ people… maybe he would be okay? Especially if he came from a later generation…
“I don't think I’ve asked… What year were you born in?” Kazui broke the silence coyly. Shidou was surprised by this question, but he trusted Kazui. Maybe there was something he noticed that he hadn't had the time to think about.
“1992… is there something on your mind Mukuhara-san?”
“Not particularly… Just this old man has had a lot of time to himself. I couldn't help but notice that people may have come from different time periods and my conversation with Guard-kun confirmed my theories.” Kazui took another drag of the cigarette, and Shidou looked at him with intrigue.
“I was born in 1974, yet I feel as time has stopped for me since being brought here in 2013. My views are quite behind it seems… What was the world like while I wasn't there to experience it? Especially if you may have had more experience in the time I havent… “ he paused, realising how stupid he sounded. He ran a hand through his hair and offered a “sorry…”
As Shidou listened to him, it was slowly starting to make some sense. He believed Kazui was a smart man, a lot more than he took credit for, and he hasn't been this open to Shidou before. Something must have happened since they last spoke. He noticed the further they spent in Milgram the more the rest of prisoners have been changing, in behaviour or appearance.
"Don't be sorry, it is quite interesting. I haven't had much time to think of it myself but I can understand what you've been thinking. Is there something in particular you’d like to know?”
Kazui let out a small smile, of course Shidou was receptive to this… why wouldn't he be? “Nothing in particular, please just enlighten this old man… you must've spoken to a lot of patients in your time being a doctor right?” He found it so hard to say anything about himself, what he truly wants to know. He's only followed how other people have acted, copying their example - and Shidou was one of those who he looked up to. However, Shidou thought they were so similar in who they lost and how - and they weren’t. They couldn't be more different from each other which was why deep down, he was scared.
“You’re right, I have met many different people, and it definitely has opened my eyes to a bigger picture of the world. I’ve learned to accept people how they wish to live and express themselves. Their happiness matters the most to me.” Shidou explained. He usually followed what most ‘adults’ would do but, in this case, this was something he truly felt strongly about.
This comment was something Kazui never knew what he needed. Acceptance. But there was something so dark, clouded and poisonous about his own secret. Something he swore to lie about and keep hidden. How come other people had an easier time to be themselves with no scrutiny? Did he go through all of this pain and suffering for nothing? But… maybe what he needed was the right people - no, person - to be around. He couldn't find it in himself to look at that person right now. What if his reaction was going to be exactly what he got with those who he trusted, upon finding out how much of a dirty liar he is?
But there was a chance. Maybe Shidou was different, he grew up in a later time to him. He took another drag of his cigarette, watching it slowly become a small nub. “How would you feel… if someone turned out to be lying his whole life…?” He asked quietly, a dark tone to his voice.
“It depends what the lie was. There are many reasons one would lie. I personally wouldn’t have an issue if it was to protect themselves… or others around them, ” he responded. It was also a sore topic for him, but he wanted to stay strong for Kazui. The doctor glanced at him, noticing the cigarette was shrinking. Maybe he needed another… he seemed stressed. He pulled out another, lit it, took out a drag of the new one and then offered it to him with a gloved hand. Kazui took it, snuffing out the old one.
Kazui paused, taking a long drag of the fresh cigarette, then exhaling its smoke into the night sky. “What if that lie… was the reason that someone is here. I couldn't love her- I tried- I just… couldn’t…”
His head was down in his arms now, his facade started to crack again. Hopefully it was only for tonight, and tomorrow his walls will build up once again.
Shidou looked at him fully, his gaze softening. Never has he seen Kazui let his guard down fully; he could tell all this time that they knew each other that he was hiding something, he just never wanted to press him about it. “Was there a reason why?” he asked softly. From his memory, Kazui has said nothing but positive things about his wife. It made him wonder if there was something deeper, darker that he refused to share.
“I couldn't love her- because-“ he paused, sharply inhaling a breath, finding it hard to voice the truth. “Because I can only love men... I'm broken and disgusting, I know… you can admit it." His words were a whisper, his body trembled. No one was able to get this out of him, only if they yelled at him like the warden did.
No one but Shidou. Shidou was different.
Everything started to make sense to the doctor. The distant words, Kazui's questioning just now. His heart ached for Kazui, he must've gone through a lot. He began to piece together that he was here because he was just trying to be himself, attempting to stop hiding from all of his lies. He placed a gentle hand on Kazui's back, gently rubbing him to soothe him.
“I don't think you're disgusting or broken… if anything I think that what you did was incredibly brave, Mukuhara-san. Trying to come clean from your lies is such a difficult thing to do,” he replied softly.
Kazui could've crumpled right there. Someone that he looked up to, accepted him for who he is, discarding the lies he lives. The relationships that broke around him, his wife that died because she couldn't bear to face the lies she lived… Kazui took another drag of the cigarette, looking up at Shidou. The lights from outside the prison illuminated around him like an angel. There was no disgust, no malice, no venom in his words or actions. Only the comfort of acceptance that he didn't know he needed in his 50 years of existence. He tried to say something, but the choke of a sob replaced his words.
“Hey… it's alright…. If it helps, your secret is safe with me.” Shidou comforted him, bringing him closer but careful to not overstep Kazui's boundaries. Now he was realising how different they were; but they were both still mourning over the people they lost, they were both liars, but Kazui’s felt more personal than his own. He couldn't help envying Kazui, how he was able to admit his lies and tell the truth, which is something Shidou still couldn't do.
Kazui dropped the cigarette on the floor, snuffing it out with his foot, before leaning into the comforting touch. Maybe it didn't hurt to be vulnerable around one person. He knew his feelings would never be reciprocated by anyone who he admired, but having that one sliver of acceptance could begin to heal him. Before thinking he enveloped him in a tight hug.
“Thank you, Shidou…”
Shidou was taken aback by the hug but he welcomed it. This is what Kazui needed so he was more than happy to allow him. He gently placed his hands around him and smiled. “It’s no problem, Kazui… I’m here if you need someone to talk to. I'll attempt to make some free time for you if you need anything.” He replied quietly, with a warmth that filled him over this exchange. He was too focused on helping others and concerning himself with their worries and needs that he never stepped back to realise what he needed. Losing the people he cherished most devastated him, especially when he couldn't save just one, and he felt like he was nothing without them. But maybe he just needed to allow himself to be around others, and maybe it wasn't the end of the world for him. He would still live with them in his heart, but maybe there was more to life than just being a doctor ignoring himself.
They stayed there in the quiet, letting the night surround them as they enjoyed each other's warmth and company. But it got to a point where they knew this sweet moment had to end. They pulled away looking at each other for a moment before looking up at the night sky.
“You should get some rest, Shidou.” Kazui broke the silence. His eyes were red and puffy but he had a soft smile, far different from his usual coy smile.
“Yes… it is getting quite late. You should get some rest too, Kazui.” He patted him on the shoulder before leaving for the balcony door. “Sleep well.”
And Kazui was left alone on the balcony, covering his face with his hands. What had he done?