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Jay stared up at the cracked and rotten ceiling of her mama's room, she couldn't exactly say how long she'd been staring for, everything felt fuzzy. She was lying on the mattress in her mama's room, (her mama no longer there to occupy it, she would have to run soon, after the power cuts out probably), the threadbare blanket thrown somewhere she couldn't remember, her body felt weird, like if she moved she would suddenly feel wrong in ways she couldn't explain.
Her vision was blurry as the thoughts in her mind raced. She didn't know why she felt so disconnected from her own body, it felt like her feelings, thoughts, and emotions didn't exist, like she was in the wrong body. She lifted her hand despite the wrongness that action provoked.
She looked at her hand, moved her fingers slowly, it felt like she was disconnected, like for some reason, she was in a stranger's body, she couldn't really feel her hand either, just the bad feeling connected to it.
She let the limb connected to her drop back on the bed, staring up at her ceiling again. Despite the thoughts racing in her mind, she can't seem to grasp or remember them. Her eyes felt heavy, like they were weighed down by an invisible force, but she couldn't sleep either.
She couldn't remember how she ended up like this either, the last thing she can barely recall would be a loud male voice shouting and yelling at her for reasons she can't remember.
———
She's in her bathroom, she doesn't remember ending up in her bathroom. There's a stool she stands on to see her reflection. The mirror is cracked and missing pieces, the bathroom has mold growing everywhere, the tiles cracked and walls rotten.
She stands on the stool, looking at the stranger in the mirror with too many hurts. They have on a red hoodie that's too big for them with cuts and tears that are sloppily stitched up, they wear blue baggy jeans that are ripped in places, along with white runner shoes that are taped up to keep them from falling apart, their hair is long, going down below their shoulders, curls greasy and gross, their face is littered with tiny scars and gold eyes that hold barely any life in them.
They hold a pair of scissors, they don't like how long their hair is, it's a weakness that can be exploited, that's what their mama said at least, that's why mama used to cut it herself before she got too bad, so now they have to cut it, they don't know how to, but they'd rather be safe than sorry.
———
Their hair is just above their chin now, cut in odd and random angles and shapes, some shorter, some longer, their bangs stay the same, the only part of their hair they don't mind, the tiles are covered in red hair, they look at the mirror again, moving their head this way and that way, hoping for some recognition as to who the stranger in the mirror is.
They still hold the scissors, but this time, the scissors are too close to their arms, already open with the cold silver bringing red as they finally stop pressing the sharp metal into their skin, they can't remember putting the scissors there, they don't know why they waited until they saw the red to stop pressing.
They looked down at the tiles, they were covered in red that would soon stain brown, they didn't know how to clean the red or the brown, and the red on their arm was dripping slowly and steadily, they didn't even realize that their hoodie was on the floor.
———
Jay couldn't remember the last time she had eaten, it'd been a while, and they had no food anyway. She would have to run soon, she couldn't stay here forever, no matter how much she might have wanted too.
She didn't know why she was trying so hard to survive, maybe it was to prove to all those rich bastards that she could grow up, or maybe it was her trying to show that she was worth something to someone, waiting and longing for someone to care about her, even though she knew that would be impossible.
She misses her mama and papa.