Work Text:
Jon
I hate you, Jonah
Elias
(audible shrug) Yah, whatever. Going to save your boyfriend now?
Jon
(hopeful) Did he say we’re boyfriends?
(gathering himself) I mean
(serious) I must rescue him from your boyfriend
Elias
Peter isn’t my boyfriend
Jon
Oh?
Elias
He’s my husband
Jon
(deadpan) Apologies, my mistake
Elias
I thought you’d just Know these things by now
(sighs) Frankly, it’s a tad bit disappointing that you didn’t.
Jon
You’ve got no taste
Elias
Excuse me?
Jon
(scoffing) Peter Lukas? Seriously?
Elias
Ahem?
Jon
He’s not even cute, Elias.
Elias
I’ll have you know that I’m actually around two hundred years old and he’s exactly my type!
Jon
That’s…
(audibly shakes head)
That’s not what I meant.
I more meant that have you even looked at his outfit?
Elias
What?
Jon
(scoffs) It’s such a
(disgusted sound)
Mess
Elias
Well, he can’t help it if he smells like -
Jon
He smells like dead fish, Elias! And he hasn’t even been to sea in months!
Elias
Well
Jon
How do you even cuddle the man?
I mean, you do cuddle, right?
Elias
(self-conscious) Well…
(whispered) We did more when he showered more
Jon
See what I mean?
(triumphant) You need higher standards
Elias
Look.
I’ve been in prison for months okay?
If he wanted to let himself go
A, a bit…
That’s his prerogative!
Jon
(tsking sounds)
Stop covering for your loser of a husband okay?
You might be a multiple centuries old evil eldritch horror beast, sure, but you still deserve a boyfriend who showers.
Elias
(sniffles) I mean
Jon
Look.
(rustling fabric)
Look at me, Elias. Jonah. Whatever your name is.
I’m going to go rescue Martin and then you’re going to tell your husband to take a GD shower. Got it?
Elias
(sniffles) Yah
Jon
Good.
(exasperated sigh)
I still don’t know why I’m helping you it’s just… it’s so darn sad.
Elias
(dry, still sniffling) Yah, you’re a saint, Jon
Jon
(pfft)
(disappearing into Lonely sound)