Work Text:
Cens + Co
Rozanov: Team dinner is at 7 at fancy restaurant! Enjoy New York day off and do not get lost!
Rozanov: Also if you come upon a bridge and a man asks you to answer three riddles to pass, do not panic, is just Scott Hunter.
Barrett: Can you lay off of him for five seconds?
Rozanov: Never suggest I am doing any laying with Scott Hunter ever again. How could you do this my own best friend?
Barrett: That is not what that means.
Chouinard: Me and Boyle are gonna check out the MoMA if anyone wants to join.
Bood: I might be in.
Hayes: I can’t, I’m heading to Midtown Comics. Gonna pick up some special editions for Lisa while I can.
Hayes: NOBODY TELL HER IT’S A SURPRISE.
Dykstra: How romantic. I think.
Boyle: What are you rooks gonna get up to?
LaPointe: depends on if luca and young are joining us tbh
Holmberg: we were gonna hit up a show, catch a matinee
Young: lol I’m just waiting for Lu to get out of the bathroom and I’ll check with him.
Young: he’s been in there forever
Bood: tmi rook
Boyle: Well… how long has he been in there?
Chouinard: Have we learned nothing with the questions dude come on.
Young: like three hours
Hayes: Huh?
Hollander: Young are you saying Luca has been in the bathroom for three hours?
Young: Yeah he went in before I took my nap and when I woke up he wasn’t out still.
Hollander: And you’re sure he is still in there?
Young: Well I haven’t gotten out of bed from the nap yet, but I’m pretty sure.
Dykstra: I am concerned for the youth.
Rozanov: He is not answering phone calls.
Holmberg: cap why are you calling him in the bathroom? prob not answering cause he is using it.
Rozanov: I am concerned. Might need to book him doctor’s appointment.
Barrett: You book his doctor’s appointments?
Rozanov: No.
Rozanov: Shane does.
Hayes: Wait it’s noon and you already took a three hour nap?
Dykstra: Yeah that one is throwing me off. Young when did you wake up?
Young: seven
Bood: I am at a genuine loss for words.
Hollander: Young get out of bed and check on Luca.
Hollander: Ilya is gonna wear a hole into the floor with his pacing.
Young: My boyfriend has been taken.
Rozanov: WHAT.
Hayes: How do you know?
Young: he isn’t here and i don’t know where he is
Hollander: That doesn’t mean he was taken.
Bood: I don’t know Hollzy, Luca wouldn’t not tell anyone where he was going.
Hayes: I don’t want Luca to end up on SVU.
Boyle: Don’t you mean dateline?
Chouinard: It’s definitely SVU.
LaPointe: idk svu could help
LaPointe: Does anyone know how to contact Olivia Benson?
Bood: SVU is fictional. Please tell me you know that.
Bood: Olivia Benson is not real.
Bood: That being said, if anything he’d end up on Cold Cases.
Harris: Why is Ilya blowing up my phone about doing an amber alert for Luca? We have already established that we can’t do that.
Harris: Oh I love Olivia Benson!
Young: Harris you need to find my boyfriend.
Young: The love of my life, the guy who taught me how to make scrambled eggs is gone! He has been kidnapped and now i will never graduate to omelets!
Young: Also he gives great head. Best sex of my life.
Bood: We did not need to know all that.
Young: You didn’t need to know Luca was the love of my life? And that he’s probably strung up in some guys basement about to be turned into a marionette puppet? Or his bones are gonna be ground up and turned into hourglass sand?
LaPointe: dude they could be making him into windchimes rn
Holmberg: he could be like running through the woods and being hunted with a crossbow
Hollander: You three are no longer allowed to watch criminal minds. It is too much and is going to give you nightmares again.
Holmberg: LP is already getting them.
LaPointe: SNITCH
Hayes: Can we circle back to the egg thing?
Bood: Young you couldn’t make scrambled eggs? How have you survived so long?
Young: My microwave used to be my best friend.
Young: Luca was doing this whole cooking class thing with me! It was so fun!
Young: and kinky
Dykstra: ENOUGH
Rozanov: He is still not answering my calls. My son is missing.
Hayes: We’re gonna get to the bottom of this.
Hayes: Putting on my Detective Pikachu hat now.
Boyle: I loved that movie!
Boyle: Can I be the freaked out yellow guy?
Bood: … sure Boyle.
Hayes: Young what was the last thing Luca said to you?
Young: He shouted something from the bathroom I think… I was about to take my nap.
Young: It was something about going out later after my nap.
Hayes: Has he texted you at all? What were your last texts?
Boyle: OH MY GOD!
Rozanov: What is it? Have you found Luca?
Boyle: No? I was doing my part playing the freaked out yellow guy.
Rozanov: Boyle you are on thin ice.
Young: 1 screenshot attached
[Transcript of Young and Haas’ Texts]
Young: Do you think the dinosaurs will come back?
Babyboy: What do you mean?
Young: Like for revenge…
Young: We really fucked up with Jurassic Park
Babyboy: oh bärli, that’s fictional
Babyboy: not a documentary
Babyboy: A meteor killed the dinosaurs.
Young: Your ass is a meteor then because it killed me
Babyboy: Awww
Babyboy: I love you
Young: All the poets and writers who have lived on this earth have not found enough words to express the kind of love I have for you.
[End Transcript]
Dykstra: I’m so glad you’re good at hockey kid.
Young: Thanks!
Holmberg: noooo Luca how could he???? it took me forever to convince you Jurassic Park was real!!
Hayes: Concerning texts aside, I didn’t know you were a romantic Young?
Rozanov: Is good. Only the best for my son.
Hollander: He is not your son.
Rozanov: Oh yeah? Check your email.
Hollander: Ilya these are adult adoption applications.
Rozanov: Yes moy lyubimyy! I was thinking we make it official and give Luca papers tonight!
Chouinard: Except Luca is missing.
Barrett: Oh Roz… The courts won’t give you custody if you managed to lose him.
Rozanov: FUCK.
Rozanov: The court is going to take him away. I will only be allowed weekends and supervision.
Rozanov: Luca please forgive me wherever you are.
Rozanov: I will get you out of that strange man’s basement soon.
Bood: I can’t tell if he’s joking or not.
Harris: I am going to ask the hotels to start banning any and all cop shows from your tvs from now on.
Hollander: Thank you Harris.
Hayes: NO!
Hayes: Do not take my 9-1-1. I need to see if the gay boys get together.
Dykstra: Harris you already took away Secret Lives of Mormon Wives don’t take the cop shows too!
Harris: It was becoming unhealthy. I do not want to know how Bood managed to get ahold of mormon garments nor do I want to know why you were all trying them on.
Bood: I have my ways.
Boyle: That’s so ominous.
Young: Hello?? My lover is still missing!
Hollander: We still don’t know that he is actually missing.
Rozanov: Nobody knows where he is, therefore he is missing. He is too pure for this world Shane. New York is big and scary. Scott Hunter lives here. What if he runs into him?
Hollander: Scott is our friend.
Rozanov: Lies and slander.
Young: I’m starting to freak out.
Hollander: It’s gonna be okay Young. He’s probably just on a walk.
Young: THEN WHY ISN’T HE ANSWERING THE PHONE???
Rozanov: Do not yell at your father in law.
Hollander: Ilya no.
Hollander: Just stay in your room and don’t panic.
Hollander: @LaPointe @Holmberg Can you keep him company until Luca comes back?
LaPointe: absolutely
Holmberg: you got it
Dykstra: We need to take this to the people.
Chouinard: Good idea.
Harris: No.
Harris: Bad idea.
Bood: But then we could find out if anyone has seen him and then we find out who took him.
Dykstra: Knowing Luca he would easily stop for the guy with the sick dog and the white van.
Dykstra: He was always too kind for this world.
Boyle: He’s not dead yet.
Rozanov: YET?
Hollander: We don’t know that anyone took him still.
Hollander: Luca is an adult. He is probably fine.
Rozanov: PROBABLY?
Hayes: Is Roz okay?
Hollander: He is currently trying to squeeze the life out of me so no.
Hollander: 1 image attached
[Image Description: Photo is taken from above, part of the arm holding the camera out can be seen while the taker’s head is pointed down. Ilya’s arms are wrapped tightly around Shane’s torso, his head laying on his chest sideways. His phone is abandoned on the bed and his eye that is visible shines with tears he would deny if asked about.]
Bood: Haas really is his baby.
Dykstra: Don’t get sappy on me Boodram.
Dykstra: Only Roz can be sappy about Luca being missing that’s his son.
Dykstra: And Young can be destroyed because that’s his boyfriend.
Dykstra: The rest of us must stay strong and focused so we can bring Haas home.
Hayes: We need a name for the plan.
Boyle: Why?
Hayes: All good operations have them.
Chouinard: Operation Luca Lives?
Bood: Except what if he dies?
Harris: Luca is not dying. He is probably fine.
Rozanov: Enough with the probably.
Barrett: If Luca dies, not saying he is, does that make Young a widow?
Dykstra: What is wrong with you.
LaPointe: That was the wrong thing to say.
LaPointe: 1 video attached
[Video Description: Young is sitting on the floor clutching Haas’ hoodie in his hands. He is crying, loudly, mumbling incoherently about being too young to be a widow and how he doesn’t have any good funeral clothes currently. Holmberg is patting him on the head in what appears to be like sympathy, but his face reads confusion and slight fear as he looks to the camera for help.]
Hayes: Are there different terms for male and female widows?
Hayes: Or is widow gender neutral?
Boyle: There is the black widow spider and those are only talked about being girls.
Chouinard: I really have never heard of a male black widow spider.
Chouinard: They gotta exist right?
Boyle: Maybe they are like boygirls? girlboys?
Chouinard: I’ve heard of malewife.
Hollander: That does not mean what you think it does.
Rozanov: I would be your malewife Shane.
Dykstra: That is too much information.
Young: I would be Luca’s malewife.
Dykstra: We do not need to know this.
Young: What if I never get to tell him that I’d be his malewife?
Harris: Y’know I really don’t think that is gonna be an issue.
Bood: I made a missing poster.
Bood: 1 image attached
[Image Description: Across the top reads, ‘Missing: Luca Haas’, in sparkly rainbow letters. The background is hot pink. The photo used is one of Luca eating spaghetti at a team get together. Below that, also in sparkly rainbow letters, reads, ‘Last seen in Andrew Young’s bed at 9am ;) Please inform a centaur if you see him. Description: Blonde, baby-faced, angel’.]
Barrett: Oh!
Holmberg: it’s beautiful
Hayes: Very colorful! and confusing.
Hollander: Was the winky face necessary?
Bood: Yes.
Rozanov: Graphic design is your passion.
Bood: I knew playing on Canva in my spare time was gonna pay off. I was always ready for this.
Rozanov: Harris we post this to the socials yes?
Harris: Absolutely not.
Harris: I have zero words right now.
Rozanov: Ah because it is so beautiful you are speechless.
Harris: Sure.
Young: Bood you captured his spirit so wonderfully.
Dykstra: We should all share it at once, so it’s coordinated.
Harris: Please don’t.
Bood: Let me get a headcount.
Bood: Like this if you believe Luca is missing.
Rozanov, Dykstra, Hayes, Chouinard, Boyle, Young, Holmberg, and LaPointe liked this message.
Bood: Like this message if you don’t.
Hollander and Harris liked this message.
Bood: Barrett where do you stand?
Barrett: Idk… I’m on the fence.
Harris: How?
Rozanov: Troy you are always on the fence. Get off of her before you get her pregnant.
LaPointe: How do you know the fence is a girl?
Rozanov: True. Troy get off of him. You cannot get him pregnant. Boys cannot do that. Trust me I’ve tried.
Hollander: I’m going to kill you.
Rozanov: Aw I love you too.
Rozanov: I am going to ask Scott Hunter to post missing poster.
Rozanov: He can make his own to read in his own words if it helps.
Holmberg: His will probably say ‘Here Ye Here Ye’ or something lol.
Rozanov: Holmy I am so proud.
Hollander: Ilya leave that man alone.
Hayes: Everyone post the missing poster!
5 minutes later…
Hayes: Hollzy, Harris, and Barrett wtf.
Bood: Everyone has posted but you guys.
Hollander: Because Luca isn’t missing.
Young: Then where is he? I don’t want to breathe another breath on this Earth if it means I don’t get to do it alongside him. You can’t promise me what I am not guaranteed. He still isn’t answering me.
Hayes: Sometimes you get so poetic. Love really looks good on you.
Young: Thank you.
Young: Too bad I’m gonna lose it when I find out my boyfriend was chopped up into a million little pieces and stuffed into a suitcase.
Rozanov: Internet is giving advice on how to find Luca, but nobody has seen him.
Bood: The people are saying to contact the NYPD.
Harris: For the love of god, please don’t involve the police.
Holmberg: You’re so right Harris.
Holmberg: They always get the hostage killed.
Harris: ???
Dykstra: Except for Olivia Benson.
Dykstra: She always saves the hostages. She’s that good.
Bood: EVAN. OLIVIA BENSON IS NOT A REAL COP.
Dykstra: Please stop bringing that fact up. It is a sensitive subject.
Rozanov: I would not trust police with baby doll let alone my baby son.
Barrett: He’s 20.
Rozanov: Yet I remember his toddler years like it was yesterday.
Barrett: No you don’t?
Rozanov: Yes I do. I gave birth to him. Through osmosis.
Chouinard: That is not what that means. Actually I’m not sure what you mean by that.
Hollander: Ignore him.
Rozanov: Moy lyubimyy! So mean!
Hayes: Wait how do we know he’s being held hostage?
Young: My boyfriend is being held hostage???
Boyle: We do not have confirmation on that.
Boyle: I’d say 50/50
LaPointe: Dude. Not helpful.
Rozanov: I’ll take out a million dollars right now.
Hollander: No you will not.
Harris: …Why?
Rozanov: For the ransom.
Young: THERE’S A RANSOM???
Bood: A million is a lot.
Holmberg: Are you saying Luca isn’t worth a million dollars?
Holmberg: That’s cold man.
Young: Take out a billion.
Chouinard: Okay Young even combined we do not have a billion dollars.
Chouinard: I also don’t think any bank will give you a billion dollars cash.
Hayes: Quick Hollander! Do a bunch of sexy underwear ads now! We need the cash for Luca’s ransom!
Dykstra: Was the sexy necessary?
Bood: Yes.
Bood: They pay more.
Hollander: We are not pimping me out for ransom money.
Rozanov: Shane how could you? Think of the child!
Hollander: You want me to do those ads for a very different reason you pervert.
Rozanov: Can I not have multiple reasons for things?
Harris: ILYA ROZANOV PLEASE TELL ME YOU DID NOT TAG THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK ON TWITTER.
Rozanov: I cannot do that.
LaPointe: ‘How could this happen in a Mamdani New York! Find my son! @NYCMayor’ Cap you did not…
Harris: All of you are going to give me a heart attack.
Harris: Dykstra wtf is Bass Pro Shops supposed to do??
Dykstra: I’m a valued and frequent customer. Thought they could help.
Harris: Bood you’re fine. I don’t think your odd edits of Luca are really doing any harm.
Harris: They’re definitely weird, but no harm.
Bood: Did you guys like the one where I edited him into a central park rowboat?
Chouinard: Loved it actually.
Barrett: Why though?
Bood: So people have a reference when looking for Luca. They’ll know they will see a similar image if Luca is on a central park rowboat.
Barrett: What about the one of him on stage with Chappell Roan?
Bood: For funsies.
Harris: Young all of your tweets are just indecipherable nonsense with pictures of you and Luca. Someone please take his phone.
LaPointe: We tried. It did not go well.
LaPointe: 1 image attached
[Image Description: A selfie from LaPointe. He has a black eye forming but is still beaming for the camera. He is also giving a thumbs up. In the back Young is clutching his phone sitting crosslegged on the ground staring into space.]
Boyle: Jesus christ.
Harris: I have no words.
Harris: Just please stop tweeting.
Harris: TROY BARRETT.
Hayes: Uh Oh.
Harris: Why is there a tweet from you that says “Bring Luca home, reward includes hugs.’?
Barrett: Everyone made some good points and who doesn’t want a hug?
Dykstra: BREAKING NEWS LUCA HAS BEEN SPOTTED!
Rozanov: WHERE? WHERE IS MY SON?
Dykstra: 2 images attached
[Image One Description: A paparazzi shot of Luca walking on an unremarkable New York City Sidewalk. He’s wearing casual clothes along with sunglasses and a Centaurs cap. He has a stuffed tote bag and is the picture of calm.
Image Two Description: Basically the same thing except this time, he is flashing a smile and a peace sign to the camera.]
Bood: Where did you get these?
Dykstra: Fan tagged me on twitter.
Harris: Ok so Luca is walking on a sidewalk. Totally fine. Almost like he wasn’t kidnapped.
Hollander: I’m pretty sure that’s him just walking back to the hotel. As in he could be back at any moment.
Rozanov: You are too pure for this world moy lyubimyy! But Harris is correct.
Harris: I don’t think we’re thinking the same thing.
Rozanov: Obviously Luca was being held hostage and is now being forced to deliver a bomb or something. He has to look calm or else they kill us with snipers.
Boyle: Holy fuck Roz, I think you’re onto something.
Hollander: No he is not.
Chouinard: What if the peace sign was a secret message?
Hollander: I sincerely doubt that.
Bood: It could mean like two bombs.
Barrett: What if it meant two minutes?
Harris: Babe no.
Hayes: It’s been seven minutes…
LaPointe: Holy fuck he’s probably blown up an orphanage or something and now he’s gonna be held responsible…
Young: HE WOULD NEVER!!! THEY FORCED HIM TO DO IT!!! IT WAS UNDER DURESS!!!
Holmberg: How do we prove his innocence?
Harris: We don’t.
Chouinard: Harris how could you?
Rozanov: You think we should let Luca take the fall for crime he did not commit willingly?
Harris: There is no crime or bombed orphanage… where did you even get that anyways?
LaPointe: Seems like something the Joker would do.
Harris: How did we come to the conclusion that the Joker kidnapped Luca?
LaPointe: for giggles.
Boyle: Aren’t you supposed to not say his name?
Bood: No that’s Voldemort.
Hayes: DUDE WHAT THE FUCK?
Holmberg: bruh you probably just killed Luca right there.
Bood: FUCK
LaPointe: So you guys are never gonna believe this…
Hollander: Oh god what now?
LaPointe: 3 images attached
[Image One Description: A very blurry photo from inside Young and Haas’ hotel room. Luca is on the ground and Young is on top of him, having tackled him when he entered the room. It caught Luca so offguard, he is basically starfished on the ground while Young is wrapped around him like a sloth.
Image Two Description: The boys are now sitting up in a tangled mess of limbs. Luca is bright red as Young presses kisses all over his face, cradling his jaw. Young’s eyes are suspiciously wet and Luca’s are squeezed shut.
Image Three Description: Luca is now holding a sobbing, I’m talking fat tears and snot running down his face, sobbing Young. Luca looks to the person behind the camera very confused about why this is happening.]
Bood: WE DID IT!!!!
Harris: Did what??
Dykstra: Great work team, way to bring Luca home.
Chouinard: Do you think we could get a medal from the city for this? We literally found a missing man.
Rozanov: One of the worst days of my life. I never stopped looking for you Luca.
Hollander: You all didn’t do anything other than stress out Harris on socials and panic.
Hollander: BECAUSE HE WASN’T MISSING.
Rozanov: So you say solnyshko, but we didn’t know where he was, and now we do. Seems found to me.
Hayes: Exactly Roz!
Hollander: I hate you all.
Holmberg: So funny story…
Holmberg: Luca was just drawing in a cafe all day with his phone off.
Bood: Oh.
Dykstra: Why didn’t he tell anyone?
LaPointe: He told Young.
Young: In my defense it was around naptime and I ain’t always clear headed then.
Boyle: Seeing as you thought he was in the bathroom for three hours I can’t be that pissed.
Hollander: Warning rooks, Ilya incoming.
Holmberg: ?
Holmberg: Oh. Aw.
Holmberg: 1 image attached
[Image Description: Ilya is down on a knee in front of Luca. He is holding Luca’s head in his hands and inspecting his face for injuries. There are tears shining in his eyes that he would deny forever. Young is sitting off to the side exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster of the day. Luca is looking back at Roz quite exasperated, but also quite warm. Shane can be seen standing in the doorway of the hotel room. His posture is showing annoyance, but the heart eyes he has for his husband betray him and show his fondness anyways.]
Haas: What the fuck happened?