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Jake originally was having a pretty good day, really.
He'd woken up feeling restful, he had a good breakfast, his schedule was set for later- the boy was living the life.
But of course, why would he be able to actually enjoy it? No. When you're an idol, maybe it should be expected that you can't have a completely good day. It has to be ruined by something, surely.
Jake's was definitely ruined- destroyed, bullied to the very last punch. It wasn't even eased into- just point blank.
'Heeseung will be parting from the group to pursue a solo career.'
Jesus, not even a gentle opener or anything? Just right into the facts?
He couldn't expect something like that from this company, though, could he?
Now the room was quiet. Everyone's tears already poured out, Jake included.
He assumed he was alright now. He assumed he'd let it all out. He assumed he understood everything- that he was prepared to move on. Surely when his throat had gotten raw from sobbing, he was done crying about it. Today, at least.
But no.
Something about seeing it in real life, in action, hurt more than the reveal of it in words. When Jake saw Heeseung by the door, shoes on and everything packed, it made it real. It made everything true, no negotiation.
Jake glanced at his other members- Sunghoon's eyes locked onto something random, Jay's puffy eyes staring at Heeseung with a mix of admiration and resentment, Ni-ki didn't even make eye contact with Heeseung, and his body was curled in on itself with a broken look on his face that seemed almost permanent. Jake mirrored Sunoo and Jungwon's smiles, though his was noticeably the most fake.
Of course Heeseung saw right through it- he saw through all of them. But it really did feel like a stake to the heart seeing Jake's Adam's apple bob when he gulped and blinked back tears.
Jake felt like he couldn't breathe- he wanted to refuse it and take matters into his own hands but he knew it was impossible- he knew he couldn't do a thing even if he tried.
He repeated "hold it in" like a mantra in his mind.
Heeseung hesitated before he did anything. He stepped closer and said quietly, "Jaeyun-ah... Can you come with me for a second?"
His hand found Jake's wrist, who obliged without a thought, following Heeseung into a room down the hall. The elder closed the door and locked it, the faint click almost peaking Jake's anxiety if it weren't for it being Heeseung who was with him.
Jake bit down on his lip and gripped his sleeve to help distract himself. He won't cry, he won't- He can't.
But how he could he hold back in front of his beloved hyung? How could he pretend in front of one of the sweetest men he'd known? Especially when said man moved to be only mere centimeters from him.
His bottom lip trembled and his arms fell weak at his sides. The rest of his body soon followed through when Heeseung wrapped his arms around Jake, instinctively relaxing against him. Inside, at least, on the outside was quite the opposite of relaxed. His shoulders shook as tears spilled uncontrollably into the older boy's jacket.
He sobbed... not very prettily to say the least. It was loud, yet muffled by Heeseung's clothes, messy and unkempt. It was the kind of crying that stemmed from a feeling of utter helplessness.
Heeseung's comfort was practically immediate though, "Hey... hey, shh~ you're okay... 'm right here," he whispered.
Jake couldn't stop his mouth from beginning to babble on in response, "I'm gonna miss you so much. I- I know you'll still be here, but you won't be here- Hyung, I need you here, it's not the same."
Heeseung held him closer and squeezed his eyes shut, breathing deeply to hold back any tears or extreme feelings. "...I know...I know, me too, Jaeyun-ah," he muttered. He brushed his hand through Jake's hair as a means of soothing both of them.
His hand fell down to Jake's back as Jake's hands curled up into the hair along the nape of his neck.
It was strangely a familiar position. All the boys shared hugs but Jake and Heeseung always hugged so warmly, like their life depended on it. And today was no different in that comforting hold.
Except for the fact that it was different. It felt liek they were weirdly closer or more intimate. Heeseung couldn't tell if that was a cute or worrying thing. Everything just felt closer everywhere, but it was no different from their usual hugs.
Jake must've felt it too. When Heeseung looked down he managed to catch Jake's eyes which happened to be locked onto his. Jake's sobs paused, breath hitching at the last one.
One moment, Jake was crying in his arms.
The next, his lips were on Heeseung's.
He wants to pull away, he needs to, it's the right thing to do.
But he can't. He freezes and just lets Jake kiss him, after all it wasn't unpleasant or sloppy or open, just lips on lips.
Heeseung felt the younger's fingers tremble against his scalp when they pulled apart. Both of them were speechless, but especially Jake.
Jake’s face was soaked in tears, lashes clumped together, cheeks flushed — so heartbreakingly vulnerable soaked in tears- so devastatingly gorgeous. Heeseung pushed that thought down the second Jake broke down in what seemed like even heavier tears.
"Fuck- fuck, hyung I'm sorry- Oh my god, I'm sorry-" Jake cried. "Shit, I'm not even gay, I- I don't- I think, i don't know- I'm sorry-..." God, the poor boy was so conflicted and overwhelmed his words overlapped with another, just like his thoughts.
And even when Heeseung held him closer and soothed the smaller boy, the apologies and tears didn't stop.
They didn't, no, not until Heeseung physically grabbed a hold of his face and said- almost as if it were an excuse, "Hey, hey, shh... hey... Jaeyun you're okay, it's okay... You just wanted to be closer to hyung didn't you? It's okay..." Though it worked when Jake just nodded and hid against heeseung's chest.
As if sprung on now, Heeseung couldn't stop himself from kissing Jake's head and cradling it closer. He also couldn't seem to stop himself from the thought of kissing Jake again. After all his poor member was losing his favorite hyung if not favorite person, he just wanted to be close to him. And who was Heeseung to refuse that from his sweet Jaeyun?
With Jake's head cradled in his hands against his chest, Heeseung slightly rocked them both side to side during the silence that followed.
Jake stayed still like he was scared, sniffles and sharp breaths being the only thing to escape.
Heeseung hesitated, but as if he were egged on, Jake's wet lashes batted up at him beautifully and the words left without another thought,
"Do you wanna kiss hyung again, Jaeyun-ah...?"
Jake stilled. He didn't react at first, glossy eyes almost shaking.
He inhaled deeply, lip trembling once again, as he nodded.
Heeseung held Jake's chin with the utmost of caution as they shared a gentle kiss again.
Although just as soft and sweet, this one was more... certain. They stayed put and didn't push it or deepen it. They didn't make it anything more than it was- a craving. A craving for love, a craving for reassurance, anything.
They just needed to be close- Jake needed to be close to him.
Jake didn't want to move, Heeseung had to.
Heeseung pulled back, Jake almost instinctively wanting to chase after his lips but didn't when Heeseung's hand carefully pressed his head down. Jake let his eyes fall shut against Heeseung's shoulder.
They didn't know what it meant, nor did they want to. It would simply just be nothing.
Did it change them? No, but it did change things between them. Things neither of them understood. Things Jake would probably only realize years later.
But that wouldn't matter, no. Heeseung would be leaving and Jake probably wouldn't be able to be let near the boy for probably years.
Jake was brought back to reality when Heeseung squeezed him tightly and kissed the top of his head before he slowly moved his arms down. Jake immediately felt cold at the loss of Heeseung's touch.
Heeseung wiped Jake's face and patted his shoulder, "...Better?"
Jake nodded. Small, but enough to allow Heeseung to let go of him.
"I'll text you if I can, okay?" The elder whispered with a weak smile. Jake just nodded again in response.
Jake's hand found Heeseung's. He didn't let go for 3 minutes. He squeezed the elder's palm.
Jake gulped before letting go and taking a shaky breath.
Heeseung's small smile and hand on his back was enough to get him to walk out the door with a small smile.
Standing in the common area with his other members, Jake felt like he knew something he shouldn't.
He ignored the crack of his heart as they all said bye and Heeseung's shoes were outside the doorframe.
Jake didn't know what it meant, didn't know what to do with everything that happened.
He only knew, for sure, one thing:
That was as close as him and Heeseung would ever be...
Never again.