Chapter Text
Chris grunts as he sits down with his morning coffee, rubbing his hand over his face. He groans at something said to him, brain not quite turned on yet. It’s always rough the morning after he gets back from a mission, struggling to stay asleep, struggling to stay awake, struggling to drop the cuss words he’s picked up from facing horrors beyond human comprehension. He wonders why Leon even got him up this early. He’s pretty sure he’s only had like three hours of sleep. There’s a little pang of annoyance in his gut over it, actually. He grunts as Leon says something again, scoffing a little with a yeah daddy’s a grumpy bear this morning, isn’t he, Rose.
Rose. Right. Their daughter.
He takes a long sip of his coffee and sits up, wincing as his back cracks. He blinks his eyes a few times, forcing himself to be present, to be focused. She’s happily showing Leon a drawing she did as he brushes her hair, almost expertly tying it up. Chris watches as his fingers nimbly plait the hair, and Chris feels his lips quirk. The feeling that he’s home finally hits him, the last lingering tensions slipping away from his shoulders.
Leon shoots him a look, almost annoyed, and Chris raises an eyebrow. “Come on, Chris, we have to leave in like twenty minutes. It’s going to take you most of that to shower.”
“Where are we going?” He sits up, taking a few gulps of his coffee. “Family outing?”
Leon shoots him an almost-angry look, frowning deeply at him as he glances up from Rose’s hair. Rose grins, a gap in her smile – she must have lost her first tooth when Chris was marching through the marshes of yet another rainforest. Something pangs in his chest. “It’s my first day at school, silly daddy.”
Chris thinks he feels his heart shatter. How could he forget. She’s been so excited. He swallows, laughing, trying to play it off. “Are you sure?”
It doesn’t convince Leon, his lips tight as he secures the last plait. Chris wonders how much he’s practised to make sure he got it right for her. Rose giggles, pointing her spoon at him. “Yes! Papa showed me how to read the calender.”
Chris smiles, chuckling, a quiet okay okay under his breath as he downs what’s left of his coffee. He gets up, leaning down to press a kiss to Rose’s temple. Leon watches him, worry seeming to shine in those blue irises that caught Chris’ soul so long ago. He leans in, slightly hesitantly and Leon’s shoulders loosen a little, pecking his lips. “Go. She’s not going to be late.”
“Yes, Captain.” He pecks Leon’s cheek quickly, stumbling himself into the bathroom. He turns the shower on, quickly finding his toothbrush. Staring at himself in the mirror, something tugs at his stomach. He can’t help the way his brain picks through the last few years and everything he’s missing.
Five years ago, Chris had stumbled through the door, a wreck, devastated, a bundle of blonde hair and cozy blankets in his arms. It had taken a few days of back and forth, debates about their work, how much time they really had, yet, Leon had yielded, a quite yeah… let’s keep her, as he rocked her gently to sleep lazily in bed. They had decided then that Leon would retire – finally, and Chris had been relieved. He couldn’t lie. The trauma was starting to stack up in him, more and more every mission he went on, and it was starting to show more. The way he lingered by the alcohol aisle whenever they went shopping. The way his nightmares seemed to happen more frequently, how it was getting harder and harder to wake him up from them.
Leon still helps sometimes, depending on the mission, only for a night or two, with Rose curled up with Claire, always delighted to see her aunt – that was extremely far and few between, however. Leon was extremely happy as a domestic house husband. He was always thrilled when Chris came home, amazed at the meal he had learned to cook, Rose happily babbling in a sling on his front. The pride in his eyes when Chris complimented the way he had decided to redo the living room that one time Chris went away for a month.
Chris had promised to be present more, to come home more often, to not go on as many missions. He was starting to get on in age, and he could admit his joints didn’t quite move the same way any more. It wasn’t career-ending but it would put a dent in it eventually, give it another few years. He had promised after Leon had driven to the BSAA one early-night-morning, the clock saying something like three or four in the morning. Rose had been beside herself, unable to sleep because she missed him, clinging to him with soft sobs as Leon dozed off in one of the shitty plastic chairs that hurt his back. They hadn’t exchanged words; Leon slept, and the exhaustion in his frame was obvious as Chris calmed Rose down, lulling her to sleep on his chest.
He had kept that promise as best he could, sticking to desk work. He had managed to get home early enough at the start. He had; he cooked dinner whilst Leon relaxed in the bath, and Chris taught Rose how to shake spices into the food he was cooking. Leon curled up with a book whilst Chris let Rose paint his nails, even if he would get stares at work the next day and have to explain to his boss that he has a daughter. He would bathe Rose and get her ready for bed when Leon would join them, cuddling in as they read her a bedtime story.
Then more reports had started coming in, chaining Chris to his desk more often than he’d like. He would often call ahead, tired and apologetic, trying his best to write them and get details sent to the right desk or person as he told Leon he’d be late. He wouldn’t get home on time to see Rose off to bed, but he would be home on time to wrap Leon up on the couch, more exhausted with the further parenting suddenly, and finish the chores and rub his feet. When Leon would finally slip to sleep, and Chris would take him to bed and then sit quietly in Rose’s room, just watching her for a while, reassuring himself she was safe, and loved.
The BOW situation had worsened world wide, however, and Chris had to step back into the Wolves, working with them in tandem. He had sometimes managed to take the two of them with him, to things that were much lower in risk, Leon and Rose having a holiday whilst Chris lurked in the hotel room, trying to pretend his bruises didn’t hurt that bad and that this report and that phone call wasn't making him want to put his head through a wall.
He’d missed Rose’s first steps, camped out in Bolivia for some fucking vampire problem of all things. He had sort of missed Rose’s first words holed up in some abandoned structure as he prayed for a miracle; the miracle had come with one of his hopeless calls to Leon being picked up, whilst Leon prompted Rose to talk to him. He had missed out on the excitement of her first tooth. Almost missed her first day of school.
She’s slipping through his fingers. He’s going to become absent in her life. Maybe already has.
A hand touches his cheek and he jumps, looking up to realise Leon had slipped in. He wipes the tear tracking down Chris’ cheek and rests his head on his shoulder. “Come on, soldier. Now isn’t the time.”
Chris sniffs, spitting the toothpaste out and nods, smiling weakly. Leon slips back out and Chris is quick to get himself washed, dried and dressed. He can hear the argument down the hall as Leon tries to get Rose to put her shoes on and he clears his throat as he steps into the living room. “Do as your papa say, Rose.”
She pulls a face, pouting, but relenting and Leon sighs in relief as he finally gets her right shoe on. She stands up, running to the door and grabbing her bag – something twangs deep in Chris’ chest. He doesn’t even recognise the cartoon characters on the egregiously bright bag. He wonders when her favourite show changed. He grabs the car keys, patting Leon’s hip. “We all ready?”
Leon grabs his phone, nodding and then scoops Rose up. Chris takes the opportunity to lean down, pressing a careful kiss to her hair, making sure he doesn’t ruin Leon’s handy work. He wonders when Leon got so good at doing her hair – he remembers they were both clueless for a while. Chris makes sure to focus, listening to her telling him that she wants to start ballet, that she wants to be as strong as him and Leon one day, and she really wants to go to the library later today. Ballet. Strength. Library. He dedicate the words to memory as Leon laughs. Chris can’t help but take her from Leon’s arms, bouncing her as Leon opens the car door. “I think we can do all of those things, my sweet Rosebug. We can figure that out when you’re a little more used to going to school, okay?”
She cheers and claps, kicking her feet as Chris makes sure she’s buckled in. He presses a kiss to her temple, lingering a moment before he closes the door, getting in the driver seat. Leon is already in the passenger seat. Chris can’t help but notice in the morning light – when did Leon start looking so exhausted, those rings under his eyes getting deeper, his skin seemed paler than usual. He’s losing muscle definition, maybe some weight.
Leon shoots him a small smile, warming up and Chris reaches over, squeezing his knee. Leon rests his hand on his, resting his head against the window, closing his eyes. Chris lets his thumb rub gentle circles into his jeans as he drives. Rose tells him about Sofia the First who he asks if that’s on her bag and she squeals with glee. He tries to focus fully on her words; there’s a strange feeling in his head of impending doom. He wonders when it became so easy to miss these things. He swallows awkwardly and Leon sits up, reaching back. “Papa, I’m scared.”
“It’s going to be alright. It’s going to be a little scary at first but when you get to know a few other children you’re going to have so much fun. Everyone’s going to be a little scared today.”
“Is it everyone’s first day, Daddy?”
Somewhere in his brain, Chris realises it’s the first time she’s directly asked him something; all her questions and most of her joy had been pushed towards Leon without hesitation. He smiles, trying to push the panic out of his chest. “It is everyone’s first day. You think you can be a big girl, Rosebug? Maybe you can be really brave and say hi to someone else today, hm?”
Rose screws up her face, looking down at her lap. “I don’t know. Maybe. Do Papa and Daddy do that? Is that why Papa is so strong?”
Leon chuckles, holding her hand. “Yeah, something like that. Being kind to people always makes people strong people.”
Chris smiles, swallowing as he turns into the small car park. He takes a slow breath, looking over at Leon. He’s looking forward, his eyes almost-glassy, worrying his lip with this teeth. Chris gets out the car, opening Leon’s door for him. “Come on, soldier. Not the time.”
Leon chuckles, briefly, shaking his head as he gets out. He helps Rose jump down from the car, holding her hand. She looks around at the crowd of children starting to mill and shakes her head. She pulls away from Leon, clinging to Chris’ leg. He coos softly, carefully crouching down. “What’s wrong, Rosebug?”
“There’s a lot of… lot of other children.”
Leon hums, kneeling down to rub her back. “And they’re probably as nervous as you are. They’re not all going to be in the same classroom as you.”
She sniffs, looking around again. She licks her lips, hiccuping a few times before she nods her head, holding her hands out. They stand, both taking one of her hands as she stumbles forward. Chris wonders when she grew up into the brave young girl he’s staring at. He forces the idea away, squeezing her hand as they get to the gates. Leon runs through the classroom assignments. Chris kneels back down. “We’ll be right here when school finishes, okay?”
Rose juts her chin out. “I’m not scared. I’m a big girl now.”
Chris laughs. “Yes. You absolutely are. But you’re always going to be my little Rosebug.”
She bursts into a grin, throwing her arms around Chris’ neck and he wraps his arms around her, giving her one final squeeze. She looks up at Leon and he kneels down, also giving her a squeeze. Chris smiles at the tears ghosting Leon’s waterline. Rose takes the teaching assistant’s hand, giving them a final wave as she makes her way into the probably-way-too-big-for-a-school building and Leon whines. Chris’ hand finds his and squeezes it, sighing softly. “She’s going to be alright. You got her this far.”
“Yeah.” Leon’s voice is thick and Chris smiles sadly.
He’d be lying if he didn’t say he was burying his own tears in the back of his brain so Leon could feel the moment. He hasn’t earned this the same way Leon has. “Let’s get you home before you run in after her.”
Chris puts the car keys in the bowl by the door, sighing and letting his shoulders sag. He’s exhausted. He wants to go back to bed, so desperately. He can’t though. He can feel the tension in the air. He watches Leon sigh and make his way to the kitchen, shuffling. “Leon… Lee… go to bed.”
Leon pauses, looking over his shoulder. He looks startled, like a deer in the headlights for a moment before his eyes are suddenly unreadable again. “What are you on about?”
“When’s the last time you looked at yourself in a mirror?” Chris closes the space between them, gently cupping Leon’s chin. “You look exhausted. Go get some rest. You’ve more than earned it.”
Usually, Leon would argue. Tell Chris he only got three hours so go take the nap instead. They’d go back and forth, until Chris deposited Leon in the bed, forcibly tucking him in and making him laugh.
This time, Leon stares at him and shrugs, shuffling off to the bedroom. The door shuts, the thud echoing in Chris’ head. Leon never shuts the door. The overwhelming fear curls around Chris’ brain again and he sniffs.
He moves into the small kitchenette, looking at Rose’s drawing. He’s in the middle of attaching it to the fridge when he pauses – he’s not in it. He glances at other drawings around the room; many of them only have Leon. He can count maybe four of the tons hung up that have him holding her hand. He slowly walks around the living room observing every drawing their daughter has done - Leon has always been sentimental, even if he scoffs and swears he isn’t like it’s a federal level crime he’s been accused of - running his fingers delicately over the crayon to make sure he doesn’t smudge it. He counts. Leon is in all of them, every single drawing has Leon, holding her hand. Claire features in eight of them, usually holding some flowers in the background.
Chris sits down, trying to control his breathing.
He’s in three of them. He tries to find some solace in the fact he’s holding her hand in two and holding her in one but he can’t help the feeling of guilt and bile churning in his stomach.
He’s abandoned his own daughter, the daughter he begged Leon to adopt with him after the shit storm in Romania, adopting her out of his own guilt for being unable to help her father. Something Leon had never wanted at his age.
He needs to throw up.
He swallows, focuses on the kitchenette.
Leon will be asleep. He can’t be sick right now.
Wordlessly, he gets up, staring at their breakfast dishes. He cleans them up.
He cleans. And cleans. And cleans.
And cleans until his hand hurts, skin irritated at the amount of cleaning chemicals it’s come into contact with. He sits down, trying not to cry. It feels like part of his soul is shattering – Leon has drifted so far away from him and he never even noticed. He can feel it; the feeling that he’s going to be served annulment papers soon. Leon is going to leave.
He knows this atmosphere – it was the same as when they first started dating. Leon was a chronic ghoster, unable to give way to the addiction consuming his life, nursing his trauma as best as he could. It took six years and a lot of pushing from Claire for Leon to realise that Chris always waited, patiently, never angry unless he did some ridiculous life-risking thing for no good reason. He always was there for Leon to curl up with, cling to, cry, scream and shout, whatever he needed.
And now he’s the one pushing Leon away.
The irony isn’t lost on him. He could almost laugh if his nervous system didn’t suddenly feel like it was on fire.
He breathes out, forcing himself to ground himself, cycling through some old breathing exercises he was taught in the air force. He swallows and gets up, pulling his phone out. It’s almost lunch time and he thinks. If he blows up about this, it’s likely to go down in flames quicker than Chris could ever expect.
He browses his take out app, finding Leon’s favourite burger and wing place, making an order for his favourites. He clings to the kitchen counter, trying to keep his head from becoming fizzy, clogged up with clouds and cotton wool. They can work through this.
The dishwasher beeps to tell him it’s finished and he jumps out of his skin. He closes his eyes for a moment, forcing himself to stand up straight. He moves on to deal with the dishwasher, brain ticking away the seconds until the food gets here and he can wake Leon up, wait until he’s not quite groggy and they can sit and discuss this. Anxiety churns in his gut as he waits, throwing the kettle on. He makes the coffee, with a spoon and a half, bitter as Leon likes it – something he picked up during fighting his addiction the final time.
Chris stands by the door, waiting, hearing the knock and opens the door maybe a bit too quickly, if the way the delivery man jumps is anything to go by. He thanks him, taking the food and does his best to not shut the door too quickly in his face.
It doesn’t take him long to put the food out on a tray, adding the coffee and throwing a larger towel over his shoulder. Carefully, he elbows the bedroom door open and places the tray on the night stand. Chris’ heart echoes in his ears. He watches Leon’s slumbering form; he doesn’t seem to be any less stressed in his sleep and Chris’ heart breaks. He sits next to him, gently fussing his hair. “Hey, Sleeping Beauty.”
Leon grunts, face scrunching up, head moving to try and avoid Chris’ hand. “I know you’re tired. I’m sorry. Come on, it’s already nearly lunch. We have to go out in a few hours. I’ve got you a coffee.”
Leon huffs, grumbling a little as his eyes finally flicked open. “Time s’it?”
“Noon. We have to get Rose at two-thirty. Figured you’d want to have eaten and such before then.”
“Mm.” Leon forces himself upwards, sighing a little. “Yeah. Coffee. Coffee’s good.”
Chris moves to get it and Leon clicks his tongue. “What’s with all the food?”
Chris sits back down, watching Leon as he gratefully takes the coffee, slightly cool enough to start drinking immediately. “An apology.”
“Let me get this in me first.”
Chris nods, rubbing Leon’s leg through the blanket. Silence stretches out between them; it’s strange. It’s comfortable, recognisably them, often their usual setting in the bedroom at times like this. But there’s the tension, the taut spring that’s ready to snap in between them.
Leon sighs, shaking his head. “Alright, give me the chicken. If you’re going to grovel, I might as well get the whole show.”
Chris laughs, smiling, shooting him a look as he gets up. Leon nods a thanks as he takes the tray, immediately picking up a handful of fries. “Grovel.”
Chris shakes his head, chuckling before licking his lips. The light quips don’t help the atmosphere getting tighter. “I fucked up, didn’t I? I’ve basically abandoned you both.”
Leon pauses mid-chew, swallowing awkwardly. “Hm?”
“When did Rose lose her first tooth?”
Leon looks down, his fringe hiding his face, a habit that he just can’t seem to break. Chris might usually find it endearing. Maybe a little annoying at times when they’re trying to have a deeper conversation. Right now, he wants to find shears.
“Last week. Wednesday, I think.”
“When did you start hating me?”
Leon chokes on the fry he was chewing, grabbing the coffee and taking a long sip. “Chris, I don’t hate you.”
“I’m a little confused, because the looks you give me seem to hint that.”
Leon sighs, leaning against the bedhead. “I love you. But you’re right. You have just left us behind, again. You’re what? 53 and still running all over the world and…” Leon sighs. “You know Rose can’t sleep when you’re on a mission? Cries in here all night until she falls asleep. She’s always so scared of her Daddy not coming home. And I’m not the fun parent. You are. Somehow, despite everything. Bear in mind, I didn’t want to have a child at forty-four. I’m too beat up to keep up with her half the time, especially now, at forty-nine. My joints are swollen, I’m struggling to sleep because I don’t know where my husband is or if he’s even alive. You might as well be a bed and breakfast guest. Half the time I do see you, it’s for five minutes in the morning and then you’re gone again.”
Leon gasps, tears streaming down his face. “This isn’t what I want.”
Chris moves the tray from his lap, moving closer. He lets Leon bury his face in his shoulder, holding him as tightly as he dares. Leon punches his arm, hiccuping. “I want my husband back, not a fucking house guest. I want this. I want you. I want you at home, I want you to know our daughter, I – hiccup – I want to be supported. I can’t be a single parent. I don’t have it in me. I need help with the chores and when she scrapes her knee and half the time I struggle to get her in the bath because my of my goddamn back-” Leon takes a deep breath and Chris tries hard not to react.
Leon shudders, taking a long breath. “You promised us. So many times. And you just did it again. Rose needs you. I need you. We need you here, like this, now. And you’re never here.”
Chris isn’t aware he’s crying until Leon makes a noise. He’s aware of the tears suddenly, streaming down his face, probably landing on Leon. He turns his head, wiping his face on his sleeve. “I’m sorry. Leon, why didn’t you tell me this before?”
Leon sits up, pushing him away. He laughs, throwing his hands up. “When, Chris? When was I supposed to sit you down and have this conversation? Before or after Bolivia? Before or after China? Before or after fucking Germany? Before or after the 90,000th mission?”
Chris hangs his head, licking his lips. Leon takes a long breath, kicking at the carpet. “I love you but I can’t do this.”
Chris nods, slowly looking up. “All I can say is I’m sorry. And I love you too. I love both of you, so much. I really, truly do.” He takes a slow breath. He yearns to reach out and pull Leon into his arms, squeeze him and tell him how much he loves him. He feels a tremor in his biceps. “I’ve fought for you before. So many times. And I am more than willing to do it again. Leon… Leon is there anything I can do to fix this?”
Leon slowly sits on the bed, shoulders slumping. “I don’t know. I want to say yes but… we’ve done this before, Chris. I don’t know if I can do it again.”
Chris’ breath hitches, his lungs suddenly unable to draw air into them. He goes to respond, freezing when he sees Leon’s shoulders hitch up, hissing. Immediately, Chris is on his feet, helping him lay down, turning the heating mat under the blanket on, shushing him gently. Leon sniffs, a soft half-wail, half-hiccup leaving him. “I need you, like this, Chris.”
Chris nods, gently kneeling next to the bed, taking his hand. “May I offer a propostion?”
Leon nods, closing his eyes. Chris kisses the back of his hand.
“I have two weeks off. I can’t tell you what my options are right now. On my first day back, I will go into the office like normal, and immediately speak to the higher ups about what my options are. I’m sure I can step down from something. I will let you know what those options are as soon as I do and you can decide which one, if any, will work for this.”
Leon sighs, picking his fingers. He’s silent, chewing on his lip and the end of his fringe inadvertently. It seems to stretch for an hour, a week, five years before he nods. “Okay. But I can’t promise I’ll take any of them, Chris. I need more stability in my life. I love you, I do. I really do. And I know why we do these things and I don’t want you to quit. I feel guilty even with all this…” He sighs. “But Rose needs you too. If it was just me I could… probably figure out how to deal with it. But it isn’t just us any more. Rose needs her Daddy.”
Chris nods, wrapping his arm around Leon’s shoulder.
“I can deal with you doing some work… Chris it’s the middle of April. You’ve stayed in this apartment for 2 weeks consecutively. You have been here for two weeks. Then you’re off on a mission. Then you’re back for 3 days. Then you’re doing reports for a week and Rose doesn’t see you, only me. Then you’re back for two days and it’s back off on the helicopters again. She doesn’t understand. I can’t explain it in any way she can understand right now. There’s only so much I can do before I have to protect her.”
Chris nods, releasing a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I’m going to see what I can do. I promise. I’ll find something.”
Leon nods, wiping his face down and sighing. Chris swallows. “Can I ask something?”
Leon makes a soft mhm, burying his face into Chris’ chest.
“If you left… would you let me see Rose?”
“Of course… hell. What do you think of me? Unless you were hurting her. Like constantly making promises to her and then never coming through. Stuff like that. But I’d let you see her and give you warnings if I was starting to feel I might have to make that choice.”
It’s Chris’ turn to make a mhm noise. He kisses Leon’s temple. “Okay… Do you want me to get Rose today? Or do you just want to eat, go back to sleep, and we can go together?”
“We told her we would both be there this afternoon… I want to sleep but. Can you stay? Hold me?”
Chris immediately starts laying down slowly, making sure Leon has time to adjust himself. “I can absolutely do that. You rest, right here. I’m here. I’ve got you safe.”
Leon smiles at him. He makes a noise pushing at the tray. Chris sits up long enough to deposit it on the floor before laying back down. Leon lifts his head and Chris slides his arm under the pillow, a thrill going through him as Leon immediately seeks to use his bicep as a pillow. He wriggles around a moment, pressing his back against the growing heat under the blanket. “I don’t hate you, Chris. You’re just really frustrating sometimes.”
Chris chuckles, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I love you, Leon, you know that right?”
“Yeah. I do know that.” His eyes blink slowly, struggling to open each time. “This has been eating me alive because I know you love me. I know you’re not doing this on purpose. I mean fuck, fuck you, Mr. Perfect. You saw she lost a tooth and immediately pieced it all together.”
Chris laughs, rolling over enough to let his arm bracket Leon’s waist, holding his hip. Leon makes a soft noise, getting comfortable. “I love you, Chris. I just won’t settle for less for our little girl. Maybe for myself but… I can’t do that to our baby girl.”
Chris kisses him, gentle, careful. “I wouldn’t let you do that to her either. Not without good reason. And I respect you so much for it. Thank you.”
Leon smiles, taking a slow breath. It doesn’t take too much longer for his breathing to even out again. This time, the stress does disappear from the corner of his eyes. Chris lays there, staring at the wall, debating what he can even do. He sighs, holding Leon as close as he dares, careful not to twinge his back, letting his own eyes slowly drift shut, murmuring a promise that I’ll do better, Lee as he does.