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CRASH.
Buck shoots up in bed, groggy and disoriented.
“Baby,” he says sleepily, shaking his husband’s shoulder. “Eddie, wake up.”
Eddie grumbles and swats at Buck’s arm. “Go’way,” he mumbles.
“There’s a noise.”
“No noise.” Eddie rolls over, a clear attempt to escape Buck jostling him awake. “Only sleep.”
“There was a noise!” Buck rubs his eyes. He’s almost certain he’s not dreaming.
BANG.
“Whazzat?” Eddie says through a yawn, joining Buck upright.
“Told you.”
“Check it out.”
“Why me?!” Buck stares at Eddie, projecting indignance as much as he can through the darkness.
“Big, strong men check out scary noises,” Eddie reasons, still only half-conscious. He wraps himself around Buck’s bicep and drops his head to Buck’s shoulder.
“You’re just as big and strong as I am.”
Eddie shakes his head. “Two inches and twenty pounds. You go, I need my beauty sleep,” he says, lying back down.
“It’s dark and scary out there! You go!”
THUD.
Buck taps Eddie’s thigh incessantly, because there’s no way in hell he missed that noise. It sounded like it came from inside their bedroom wall. Something sinister is happening, Buck has seen enough scary movies to know that. Maybe their house is—Oh god, their house is haunted. How long has it been haunted?! Should they move? Actually, Buck had a ghost hunting phase years ago. He’s probably still got some—
“Yeah, baby, relax, that one was my head against the headboard,” Eddie says, groaning as he sits up again.
CLANG.
“I’m up, I’m up,” Eddie continues, lumbering out of bed. “Come on.”
“Nope, it’s your turn to be the man of the house,” Buck retorts, but he’s already getting up.
“Come on, scaredy cat, it’s probably just Chris looking for a midnight snack.”
Buck has his doubts, but that is the preferable outcome. He reaches out and grabs Eddie’s hand, squeezing tight. Eddie chuckles, lifting their intertwined hands and kissing Buck’s, but gives him a reassuring squeeze back.
Eddie yelps as soon as he opens the bedroom door.
“Why are you screaming?” Chris says sleepily.
“Sorry, kid,” Eddie replies, free hand on his chest. “I didn’t expect you to be standing there.”
“Scaredy cat,” Buck mocks, and is promptly elbowed in the ribs for being handsome and funny. “Ow!” He swats Eddie’s arm and turns to Chris. “Do you hear the banging too?”
“Yeah,” Chris says. “I was coming to wake you up so I don’t get murdered. At least not first.”
Eddie sighs. “You’re not getting murdered.”
“Chris, I would sacrifice myself so you could get away,” Buck puts a hand on his heart, “but you have to tell my story when I get murdered.”
“I promise,” Chris replies sincerely.
“No one is getting murdered,” Eddie says firmly.
The sound of glass shattering makes all three of them turn their heads. Buck was really banking on Eddie being right, but if Chris is in the doorway to their bedroom and not rummaging around loudly in the kitchen… who is?
Suddenly taking this much more seriously, Eddie tells Chris to stay behind them as he moves through the hallway, Buck following closely. The house doesn’t seem disturbed at all. If someone broke in the front door, they were kind enough to use a key and lock it behind them. No lights are on either, so whomever is making noise has been moving in darkness. But exploring the hallway, bathroom, and living room isn’t the scary part. The kitchen is.
It’s kind of rude if Buck thinks about it, because the kitchen is mostly Buck’s domain. Cooking and baking are a huge part of how he shows love. A home invader can’t just come in and take over. That’s where his special Kitchen Sink cookies are! And the counter where Eddie sits while he performs his duties as Official Taste Tester and Kiss Recipient. Worst of all, the kitchen is where Buck’s sourdough starter—Doughbie the Probie—lives. Nothing better happen to his second favorite child.
Eddie stops walking as they approach the kitchen, signalling for Buck and Chris to keep quiet. Buck is nervous but not a coward, so he grips Eddie’s shoulders and ducks down to hide behind the expanse of Eddie’s back. As an element of surprise. He’s not scared.
“Buck?” Eddie whispers.
“Yeah?”
“Could you loosen your grip a little bit?”
“Oh, yeah, sorry.” Buck adjusts from death grip to tight hold and gets a comforting tap of appreciation on his hip in response.
The three of them walk forward single-file in exaggerated, careful steps, surely looking like Looney Tunes as they approach the kitchen doorway. Slowly, Eddie reaches around to find the kitchen lightswitch and flicks it on.
There is no intruder in the kitchen. No human intruder, anyway. The cookie jar is shattered on the floor, the flower vase on the kitchen table had been knocked on its side and spilled water everywhere, and the sink is precariously close to overflowing. Doughbie the Probie, thankfully, is safely tucked away on the back corner of the counter.
“Is that a raccoon?” Chris asks.
“That is a raccoon,” Eddie says.
The raccoon looks at them. They look at the raccoon.
“Can we… keep the raccoon?”
Buck answers right away. “As long as you promise to take care of him.”
“I’ll feed him and walk him! And get him one of those collars with my phone number in case he wanders off!”
“We’ll have to think of a good name for him.” Buck nods, bringing a hand to his chin as he thinks. “Oh!” he says excitedly. “I could bake little raccoon sized pastries!”
“He seems like a Reginald to me.”
“Reginald Buckley-Diaz,” Buck muses. “That’s not bad. We can call him Reggie.”
“Reggie, would you like to live with us?” Chris asks the raccoon.
Reggie never gets to answer, because Eddie clears his throat sharply. “Absolutely not,” he says, pointing at Chris, then turns that scolding finger to Buck. “Are you kidding?”
“What?” Buck responded defensively. “I want to make mini pastries.”
Eddie stares, doing an impressively good job at blending his stern face with his pleading eyes.
“Fine, I’ll make Eddie sized pastries.”
“Thank you.”
Another clang turns their attention back to the issue at hand. Right. There’s still a raccoon in the kitchen and he’s now rooting through the silverware drawer.
“How did a raccoon even get in the house?” Eddie muses.
“Buck forgets to close the window sometimes when he’s done baking.”
“You’re blaming this on me?!” Buck is shocked. Flabbergasted. Appalled. “When I was going to let you keep the raccoon?”
“You’re right, it’s probably Dad’s fault.”
“How is this my fault?” Eddie asks.
“I don’t know, but it is.”
“Your dad wouldn’t do that,” Buck cuts in. “He’s got–”
“Yeah, a Silver Star, I know,” Chris finishes.
“Or maybe,” Eddie begins, “it was my teenage son who’s known for not closing the back door tightly.”
Buck lets out an “ooooh” like he’s watching a fight in a high school cafeteria.
“Well, an active crime scene is no place for a boy of seventeen,” Chris says, hurriedly making his way towards his bedroom. “I’m young and I need my beauty sleep.”
No one suffers like Buck in a house of Diazes who need their beauty sleep. The two of them use that excuse constantly to get out of chores or anything else they don’t want to do (things Buck usually doesn’t mind doing anyway). The dinner dishes need to be washed? Oh, Chris is so tired from doing his homework, he has to go to bed early—that never works. The socks need to be paired but Eddie needs to take a nap in Buck’s lap at 11:30 a.m.—that always works. Edmundo and Christopher Diaz are the sleepiest boys in Los Angeles, but Buck loves them so much that he tries to let it slide as much as possible.
As Chris leaves the two of them to deal with the intruder, Buck takes a deep breath and assesses the situation. The only thing to do is… get the raccoon out of the house.
“You take this,” Eddie says, handing Buck a broom. “I’m gonna open the back door, then you’re going to, uh, encourage him to leave through it.”
“What if he doesn’t want to leave and he attacks you because you’re by the door with nothing to defend yourself?” Buck asks, more than a little worried. The last thing he wants is for his husband to get mauled by a raccoon.
“It’ll be okay, Buck.”
“What if it’s not?”
Eddie holds Buck’s jaw loosely in his hand and kisses him. “You’ll just have to protect me.”
The raccoon doesn’t pay Eddie any mind as he creeps through the kitchen and gingerly opens the back door. Buck grips the broom tightly and takes a few tentative steps forward. He looks over at Eddie, who nods, then sweeps slowly over the kitchen table.
When the broom bristles hit the raccoon’s butt, he finally acknowledges Buck and Eddie. It isn’t the heartwarming moment Buck hoped for. The raccoon growls and gathers up his contraband, scrambling every which way. Buck does his best to direct him towards the door, mumbling “Oh my god oh my god oh my god” the whole time. He’s focused on the task at hand, so he doesn’t look up, but he can hear Eddie snickering over by the door. There’s nothing funny about trying to get a raccoon out of the kitchen with a broom at three in the morn—Yeah, okay, fine, but Buck’s still a little worried about, like, rabies.
“I’m just gonna sweep him out the door,” Buck says, finally getting the raccoon off the table and onto the floor.
“Sounds good.”
“I’m about to do it,” Buck promises, staying completely still and not at all about to do it.
“Take your time, sweetheart, I’m here all night.”
Buck can do this. It’s just a raccoon. A raccoon that is much more interested in keeping his stolen cookies than either Buck or Eddie.
Oh, that’s an idea.
He flicks one of the cookies across the floor like a hockey puck, but it hits Eddie in the foot. The raccoon hurries after it, and Buck has a flash of driving to the emergency room with Eddie’s bloody foot up on the dash with a raccoon attached to it. No, that’s not happening. Ever the quick thinker, Buck slides himself across the kitchen table and pulls Eddie safely out of harm’s way. He sweeps the cookie out the door, watches the raccoon scurry after it, and slams the door shut.
“Are you okay?” Buck asks, whirling around to where he’s got Eddie held safely behind him.
Eddie doesn’t answer, but he does stare at Buck with the most amused grin on his face.
“Did it scratch or bite you or anything?” Buck tries again.
“No, Buck,” Eddie says fondly. “The big, scary raccoon didn’t get me, thanks to you.”
“I’m very threatening with a broom in my hand.” He holds up the broom and flexes, making his husband chuckle.
Eddie drops a kiss on Buck’s cheek. “My knight in shining armor.”
“That’s me!” Buck says proudly.
“And since you’re playing man of the house,” Eddie continues, wrapping his arms around Buck’s waist. “That means you can clean up this mess while I get some much needed beauty sleep.”
Before Buck can register the words, Eddie is running out of the kitchen and giggling as he hurries back to their bedroom.
Damn beauty sleep. He could leave the mess for tomorrow, but he should at least shut off the faucet and clean up the ceramic shards so no one cuts themselves in the meantime. With a sigh, Buck begins sweeping the floor. He’s actually kind of glad the cookie jar broke, because he’s been trying to replace all their kitchenware with things he makes with Jee at the pottery class they attend together. Who wants a stupid store-bought cookie jar when his perfect princess niece can make him one!
About ten minutes into making sure the kitchen only looks like a mess and not a disaster zone, someone clears his throat in the doorway.
“Was it not clear that you were supposed to follow me to bed?” Eddie asks.
Buck looks up to see Eddie leaning against the door frame, arms crossed and pretending to be mad.
“You needed your beauty sleep,” Buck responds. “Far be it from me to interrupt.”
Eddie frowns. “Come back to bed.”
“I’ll be there in a minute, I promise.”
It’s a well-known fact that Eddie doesn’t like sleeping alone, so it comes as no surprise when he turns on his heel and leaves the kitchen while grumbling something about not being able to get any beauty sleep anyway. Buck laughs to himself about it and quickly finishes sweeping. It can’t be more than two minutes tops, but he expects Eddie to be on the fringe of sleep by the time he gets to the bedroom regardless.
“It’s about time,” Eddie says, sitting up in bed with his arms still crossed.
He must be so serious about this. Luckily, Buck knows how to fix it.
“I was just making sure you don’t injure yourself in the morning when you stumble into the kitchen half-awake to make me breakfast in bed tomorrow.”
“Oh?” Eddie narrows his eyes. “Who said I’m doing that?”
“Do I not deserve some kind of reward for saving you from the raccoon?” Buck asks, crawling into bed.
“Mmm, yeah, you’re right.” Eddie pulls Buck close and kisses him. “You were very brave.”
See? Easy.
“I was, thank you.” Buck gets comfortable and pulls Eddie down on top of him, kissing the top of his head. “Now you can go back to sleep.”
“Or…” Eddie pushes himself up and straddles Buck, kissing along his jaw and neck. “We could do something else.”
“You were so tired earlier that you fell asleep on the couch at nine-thirty,” Buck reminds him, hands immediately wrapping around the back of Eddie’s thighs.
“So what?” Eddie mumbles against his skin.
“And you were pretty adamant about needing your beauty sleep.”
Eddie gasps, apparently mortally offended. “I do that for you. How would I keep you interested without my looks?”
Buck hums, maneuvering Eddie so their eyes meet and carefully holding his jaw. He tilts Eddie’s head one way, then the other, inspecting every inch of his gorgeous face. After a moment or two, Eddie starts pouting, making Buck laugh affectionately.
“Keeping me interested isn’t something you’ve ever had to worry about,” Buck tells him. “I don’t think that’s gonna change.”
“Good.” Eddie kisses him. “It better not.”
“Scout’s honor,” Buck swears. “You can sleep soundly knowing that totally realistic threat to our marriage is unfounded.”
“Since we’re already awake…” Eddie sneaks his hands underneath Buck’s shirt and bunches it up towards his neck.
Buck lets Eddie yank his shirt over his head and toss it to the side, happily abiding by his husband’s wishes and pulling Eddie down to kiss him. Last he’d checked, it was after 3 a.m., and that was when they’d first gotten into the kitchen. Not that Buck would ever bet against Eddie’s intentions, but he knows a thing or two about Eddie when he’s tired.
“You sure you can stay awake long enough?” Buck teases.
“Of course I can,” Eddie replies, clearly stifling a yawn. “I’m wide awake.”
“Mhmm, sounds like it.” Buck flips them over. “Allow me, as a thank you for being brave enough to check out that scary sound earlier.”
“What can I say?” Eddie pulls Buck down and starts kissing him again. “Big, strong man, you know?”
With a contented sigh of agreement, Buck gets to work leisurely running his hand along the lines of Eddie’s body and pretending to ignore the way Eddie keeps dozing off for a moment before shaking himself awake again. Buck is cheating a little bit, tracing his fingers up and down Eddie’s side with one hand and scratching Eddie’s head with the other, the way he does when they nap together on the couch.
Within minutes, Eddie is fast asleep. Buck looks at him fondly for a moment, then kisses him on the forehead with a quiet “love you” before turning off the bedside lamp and drifting off himself.