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Zoro knew he shouldn't have said that.
Deep down, he knew that someone like Sanji would never understand what he meant. The cook was always running after women, salivating at the mere thought of them. He would never understand what it felt like to be like Zoro.
To look at people for the first time and not… crave anything. Not imagining scenarios where they touched or kissed or did anything normal people wanted.
That didn't mean that Zoro didn't want to do those things, eventually. He relieved himself from time to time, and he could imagine faceless people with him, but it felt… empty.
Zoro hardly thought about it, anyway.
But, after weeks since the cook joined the crew, something started to feel different. Zoro found it harder to take his eyes off Sanji, and always found an excuse to nap in the galley or even help with dishes. He wanted to spend time with him, sometimes more than with other people.
Zoro thought he was finally normal.
But then he found Sanji while he was changing, standing only in his underwear near his hammock, and Zoro's world fell.
Sanji's body didn't make him feel anything out of the ordinary. It felt like looking at Luffy changing, or Usopp, or Nami.
Nothing had changed, Zoro was still abnormal.
He decided he didn't care. He didn't want to care, because it didn't change how he would achieve his goal. Zoro would become the world's greatest swordsman, and he would help Luffy become the pirate king. Life would still go on, even if Zoro didn't feel attracted to anyone.
Then, Sanji kissed him.
It was during the night, while Zoro was keeping watch. Sanji had walked up to the lookout, claiming he couldn't sleep, and they started talking.
Zoro's heart was racing, and he couldn't keep his eyes off the cook. He couldn't help but think about how the moonlight made Sanji's eyes shine, or how pretty he looked with his nose red from the cold and his hands rubbing together to make some heat.
Zoro thought, "Why do people obsess over sexual attraction, when this is the best sight in the world?"
The swordsman offered half of his blanket, and Sanji only hesitated for a second before joining him.
The cook was warm. He was curling up against Zoro like he was a source of heat, and not the reverse. His blond hair tickled Zoro's chin as Sanji let his head fall on his shoulder, and for one moment, Zoro's brain stopped working.
Sanji kept talking, as if he was trying to force the embarrassment away. They laughed at Luffy's stupid games that day, at how Usopp's new invention blew up in his face. Zoro poked fun at how Sanji fawned over Nami while she ordered him around.
But, at that, Sanji stopped speaking. He stared at the horizon for a long moment, and then he pulled back from Zoro to turn around and look at him.
"Can I kiss you?" He asked, ever the gentleman. Even if he was speaking with a man, a brute, someone with a broken dick who could not view people normally.
Zoro said yes.
After that night, they met on the lookout again, and again. They kept the cold out, they kissed, their hands wandered. Somehow, it didn't feel wrong to Zoro.
He felt different when looking at Sanji, and he felt good when the cook chose his lap as a seat, or his hands touched Zoro's sides. Parts of him he thought broken or dead finally woke up.
He thought, "Maybe I only feel this with Sanji when we're like this. Maybe I just don't care about anyone else."
With time, their hands became bolder, and eventually they went all the way.
Zoro loved it. He loved Sanji's taste, his sounds, the warmth of his body against Zoro's as they gave pleasure to each other. He was obsessed, so much that he asked to go more rounds, until Sanji kicked him in the head to stop him.
But the cook was laughing, his cheeks flushed and his body all sweaty, so Zoro couldn't really be mad. They stayed tangled together for hours after, napping, then talking and laughing. That felt almost just as good.
They were both almost insatiable after. Whenever they had a free moment, a private space, they were kissing and touching like they never explored each other before.
Something in the back of Zoro's mind was bothering him, though. It was begging to be acknowledged.
Zoro pushed it back and back, kicked it down until it stopped crying. He didn't want to think about that. He was cured, he was normal, nothing else mattered.
Zoro loved Sanji, so that must mean his earlier problem was just a fluke. Just something waiting to be fixed by the cook.
Maybe it was the same for Sanji. Maybe he fawned over women so much because he thought that was how he had to act, he thought attraction was supposed to look like that.
Maybe, real attraction was the quiet moments as they laid next to each other, their bodies sharing warmth.
Then, one day, Sanji asked him if he had a type.
Zoro was confused at first, but the cook was quick to specify. He was curious about Zoro's sexuality, and he even mentioned how the swordsman never really seemed interested in other people, even before they started seeing each other in private.
Zoro shrugged, tried to play it off. "You're my type."
Sanji rolled his eyes, and the topic was quickly dropped. Zoro was glad.
But that question dragged the dark thought from deep into his mind. The reminder of what he actually was, of how he was lying to both Sanji and himself.
When he looked at Sanji from afar, when he watched him cook or fight or laugh, he felt something, but it wasn't what he was supposed to. There was nothing sexual in it, not unless Sanji actively sought it out. Not unless Zoro remembered their nights together, the physical sensations he experienced.
He could ignore it, until he couldn't.
It was a beautiful day, and the waters were calm, with no wind to move the boat ahead. The crew decided to use the vast ocean around them as a swimming pool, and Sanji finally allowed himself to join in the fun instead of staying locked up in the kitchen to make everyone drinks and snacks.
Zoro was happy to see him throw himself in the water, and he laughed when their idiotic captain decided to follow suit without anything to keep him afloat. Sanji immediately cursed at him and kicked him back onto the deck, not bothering to jump out of the water himself.
Zoro wasn't interested in swimming, so he leaned against the railing on the side Sanji had jumped on, and he was ready for a nap.
Usopp seemed to have different ideas.
"Hey, Zoro."
"Mh?" Zoro hummed, not bothering to open his eyes.
"I've been wandering this for a while," Usopp said in an inconspicuous voice, like he was trying to find out some dark secret. "You never seem into… anyone, really."
Robin, sitting on a lounger not too far from them, turned the page of her book, and in the unnatural silence that formed in Zoro's ears, that sound seemed louder than normal.
He finally opened his eyes, staring at Usopp blandly, but deep down he was feeling dread. He didn't want to talk about this, especially not with Sanji this close. They hadn't told the others about the nature of their relationship yet, and Zoro knew Sanji wasn't ready for that. "What?"
"I mean!" Usopp exclaimed, clearly nervous now that Zoro was looking at him. He fidgeted with whatever he was working on. "I've never seen you be attracted to anyone… You had both men and women begging for your attention at the Alabasta party, but you hardly looked at them."
Zoro was glad that Nami wasn't in hearing range, because that nosy witch would have just made it worse.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Zoro shrugged.
Usopp deadpanned, looking at him like— "Come on, you can't be that dense."
Zoro immediately grabbed the hilt of his sword and glared at his crewmate. Of course, he noticed, he just didn't care. They weren't Sanji.
Sanji had been too busy fawning over local women, people who could reciprocate his attraction with ease. People who weren't starting to feel dread at the simple thought of looking at the man they loved without feeling anything other than plain love.
Plain love was not enough, not anymore. It had never been enough for Sanji, even if he didn't know that was all he was getting.
Zoro spent that party drinking himself into a nap. The next day, he cornered Sanji alone and showed him love the way he knew Sanji preferred. With touches and kisses in intimate places.
Sanji had joked that he was jealous. He had no idea where that jealousy came from.
Usopp yelped at the glint of his sword, and immediately backtracked. "I mean-! Wait! Don't hurt me!"
They both knew Zoro would never seriously hurt him, but seeing him fumble like this was entertaining.
"I didn't care about them," Zoro said, putting his sword back. That was that, no need for more explanation.
"About any of them?" Usopp pressed, because he clearly had a death wish. "I mean, there were so many people trying to get your attention at the party, and you didn't… Listen, I'm just curious about what your type is!"
"The type that shuts up."
"Oh, come on!"
"Longnose-kun," Robin cut in, her eyes now on them. She looked curious, in her usual creepy way. "Are you interested in knowing if Swordsman-san is available?"
Usopp blushed a dark red, and he immediately started sputtering nonsense before he regained his bearings. "No! I'm not even into men!"
Zoro wanted to murder someone, then throw up. Then murder someone again.
What the hell was happening?
"Then why are you asking?" Robin continued.
"Aren't you curious too?" Usopp asked, trying to have an ally in this.
Zoro was ready to stand up and leave. Great way to ruin the day.
"Oh, I know the answer to your question already," Robin said, like it was obvious. Zoro tensed.
What did she know? How could she know? He couldn't be transparent about this, because there was nothing to show, he felt nothing sexual towards random people so how could she know—
"What? Really?" Usopp asked, clearly surprised.
Robin knowingly looked at Zoro, like she understood. But it made no sense, she was normal. Creepy, but normal.
Usopp seemed to change tactics, pulling out a weird version of puppy eyes. "Come on, Zoro-kun! I'm just curious!"
Zoro cared about his crew mates, they were his family. But he really wanted to strangle Usopp right now.
Robin's gaze softened.
"I don't care about people that way," Zoro found himself saying. He immediately regretted it, but he couldn't back down now. Robin nodded, like she understood. "Men, women, I feel nothing."
Usopp blinked, taken aback. "What? Nothing?"
Zoro just stared at him.
"Are you sure that's right? Have you ever been with someone?" He pressed, like it was his mission to make Zoro understand that what he was feeling was wrong, stupid.
"Yes," Zoro hissed, starting to feel cornered. What he felt was bad, wrong, he was odd for being so unfeeling.
His other emotions didn't matter in the face of sexual attraction, right? That was the most important thing, how everyone communicated in this world.
"Being with people doesn't change that. It's just the way things are."
Zoro really wanted to believe that.
"That…" Usopp looked at a loss of words. The simple concept of people not being attracted to other people was so foreign to him, even worse than people like Luffy or Robin having weird powers. Why was no one asking the captain those questions?
"Is that so?" asked Sanji.
Zoro didn't even notice him get out of the water. The cook was leaning against the railing not too far from them, his soaking wet hair dripping into a towel around his neck. His fingers were holding a lit cigarette, but it was dangerously dangling over the water. It looked like it could fall at any moment.
Zoro couldn't help but think that was a clear tell that Sanji didn't like what he heard. He would never risk a cigarette like this, not while they were at open sea, with no knowledge of how far the next island was. He had them counted, or almost.
Before Zoro could answer the cook, Usopp spoke again. "You've been with people you didn't like?"
Why would he waste his time on someone he didn't like? Why would he let anyone get close to his body, touch him tenderly? Why would he waste his love like that?
"That's stupid. Of course I liked who I was with."
Of course I like Sanji, he's the best thing that ever happened to me. He's the only thing that makes sense outside of swords and fighting.
I love him, I love him, I love him.
"But you said you don't feel anything," Usopp pressed.
Zoro was going to explode. He wanted to leave the conversation, he needed to. Why did they have to bring up his worst flaw?
Sanji walked off, not saying anything. Zoro felt his heart break with each step.
He didn't show it. He was an unfeeling machine anyway. That was why his mind didn't react right.
"I think that what Swordsman-san is trying to say is that he doesn't need sexual attraction to be with someone," Robin said, and Zoro just stared. Why was she on his side? "That's not as uncommon as one might think."
What?
"Wha— Really?" Usopp asked, as surprised as Zoro felt.
"Of course," Robin said. "A relationship isn't just about sex, so why should 'liking' someone be only about seeing them as sexually attractive? Humans are much more complex than that."
Zoro's mind was reeling. What was she talking about?
Don't act like I'm normal, please. I'm not normal.
Usopp looked like he was about to understand, like he could understand what it felt like, but then—
"Usopp, come play with us!" Luffy called from somewhere else on the ship. Zoro knew Chopper was with him, thanks to his chant of "Usopp!"
Usopp smiled sheepishly at them before running off towards the captain, bringing his tools with him.
Zoro stared at where he was before, his heart beating like a threat was coming.
"You know," Robin said calmly, like whatever just happened was normal. "I read a really good book, when I was your age. It was written by someone who sees the world like we do."
We.
Zoro focused on Robin.
"It was a love story, but it had a lot of suffering and monsters, which were created by the main character's mind. All of her doubts and fears turned into living beings, and they tried to tell her that the way she loved was wrong, unnatural. How could she like the main love interest if she didn't feel anything sexual when she looked at him?"
Zoro simply stared. He was listening, but his mind was racing, trying to understand where she was getting at.
He knew he could love the cook, but he was doing it wrong.
Sanji was mad at him now. He didn't understand, so he thought Zoro didn't care.
"In that story, the boy she loved wasn't like her, or us. He experienced attraction the usual way, so he found it hard to understand her point of view. He thought that if there was no sexual attraction, there were no genuine feelings. He was hurt because of this."
"Did he understand, in the end?" Zoro asked, his voice sounding foreign to his own ears.
"No, he didn't," Robin said, finally closing her current book. "Because the girl he loved never fully opened up. She never explained how her feelings worked, she just tried to change a fundamental part of herself."
Zoro's face fell, and Robin clearly noticed. "She tried to force herself to show attraction she didn't experience, all while the monsters grew bigger and meaner. She loved the boy, but she wasn't being truthful to him, and it weighed on her mind. It dragged her down until the monsters won, and she died."
Zoro's chest felt heavy. He knew what Robin wanted to say, but that was not what he needed to hear right now. He needed a way to fix himself, not a story about how he was doomed to never feel the love he craved because of this shitty thing about himself.
"I liked this book," the historian admitted. "But I wish it had a happier ending. Don't you think so?"
Zoro stood up. He didn't say a word as he walked to the lookout, desperately searching for some privacy.
He needed to talk to Sanji, but before that, he needed a drink.
Sanji avoided him like the plague for two days.
The whole crew noticed, but no one brought it up. Even Luffy gave them those intense stares of his, which were creepy as fuck.
Zoro felt like throwing himself overboard was the only solution to this problem. But he stopped himself, because his relationship with the cook wasn't his only goal in life, and he couldn't let Kuina and Luffy down like that.
He never thought watching Sanji walk past him without sparing him a glance would hurt so bad.
On the second night of silence, after dinner was over and the dishes needed washing, Zoro let everyone walk out of the kitchen without making a move to follow them. Some of them gave him knowing looks, but he ignored them, making it look like he was going to nap in the galley.
Sanji ignored him, even after everyone left. He moved around the kitchen, washing and drying the dishes all by himself.
Zoro joined him without saying a word. Sanji paused what he was doing, like he was debating kicking him out or not, but in the end he chose to stay silent.
For a moment, everything felt like it was normal. Zoro used to help with the dishes often, if only to sneak some alone time with Sanji.
The cook used to smile much more when he did that.
"Did it all mean nothing?" Sanji asked suddenly, making Zoro stop moving. He didn't expect the cook to be the first one to talk.
"It meant everything," Zoro said calmly.
Sanji finally looked at him. His visible eye was wet, like he was on the verge of tears, but his voice was steady. "You feel nothing when you look at me."
I feel so much when I look at you, it almost hurts. You're everything to me.
"I feel nothing when I look at random strangers on the streets," Zoro said instead. "That doesn't apply to you."
Sanji blinked, looking conflicted. "So you are attracted to me?"
Zoro should just lie. He should tell Sanji what he wanted to hear, and finally be loved again.
He didn't want their relationship to be like the one in Robin's book.
"I don't feel attraction the way you do."
Sanji's face fell, and his hands gripped the counter tightly. "I thought you liked it, I thought— I thought you wanted to do it because you looked at me and thought I looked good."
"Cook—"
"I thought you wanted me!"
"I do want you!" Zoro finally snapped, grabbing Sanji by the shoulder and turning him around. "I wouldn't have done any of this if I didn't want you!"
"But how can you like me if you don't like my body? It's all I have!" Sanji was crying now, his tears silent but definitely there.
Zoro didn't understand. All he had? Did Sanji think he was just a sack of flesh and bones? That he was just a random nobody Zoro fucked as stress relief?
"Sanji."
Zoro didn't use his name often, but he did when it mattered. Like after their first kiss, or their first time together.
They haven't said 'I love you' yet, but he hoped Zoro could say it soon. Say it the way Sanji deserved.
"Do you think I started seeing you because I just wanted to fuck you?"
Sanji didn't answer, and that probably destroyed Zoro the most.
The swordsman stepped forward, and Sanji flinched back, like he thought Zoro was going to strike him.
Oh.
Zoro let go of his shoulder and let his arm drop limp. "It didn't start sexual to me. I…"
How could he explain how he felt?
"I started noticing you, and it felt different. I couldn't look away. Then, the night you kissed me, everything felt right."
Zoro wasn't so talkative about his emotions, usually. He found it hard to express himself, but it didn't matter when Sanji was crying in front of him.
"I thought you finally unlocked that side of me, and that I was— fixed." That was the wrong thing to say, Zoro knew that immediately. "I mean— I thought that was what everyone was talking about. The attraction everyone except me experiences. But it wasn't."
Sanji had stopped crying, but he started staring down at the floor. Zoro moved slowly, reaching to grab one of his hands.
"But, that didn't matter. I enjoyed our nights together, every single one. And this… thing I have, won't stop me from liking you."
Sanji stayed silent for a moment, but he squeezed Zoro's hands.
"You had no problem getting hard with me," Sanji asked softly, like he was afraid that was the wrong question.
Zoro frowned, confused. "Yeah…?"
"How did you manage, if you don't feel attraction?"
Zoro was taken aback. "I just… think about what we're about to do. Or what we did the nights before. Why, do you get hard just by looking at me?"
As soon as the question came out of his mouth, Zoro knew it was stupid. The cook could have a nosebleed just by looking at a woman.
Sanji stared at him like he grew a second head.
"Right," Zoro murmured. "I guess I do it differently."
Sanji paused. "You made me feel so… wanted."
Zoro stepped closer, and this time Sanji didn't flinch. "Because I want you." The swordsman cupped Sanji's cheek gently, while still holding his hand.
The cook looked on the verge of tears again. "I let myself be vulnerable with you."
Oh, oh shit. What did that mean? Did he wish he didn't?
"Do you regret it?" Zoro asked.
Please, say no. I don't think I can lose you. I love you. I love you.
Sanji kissed him.
Zoro took no time to melt into it, the hand holding Sanji's moving to wrap around his waist and bring him closer. He had been having withdrawals and he didn't even realise.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
"I thought it meant nothing to you," Sanji murmured against him, the words hardly understandable thanks to the press of their lips. "I was scared—"
He didn't finish that sentence, but Zoro knew that it wouldn't have been anything good.
"It means everything to me. I—"
Should he say it? Should he prove to the cook that he was serious about this?
Sanji opened his eyes to look at him, and the decision was made.
Zoro pulled back just enough to let them breathe, and pressed their foreheads together. He stared right into Sanji's eyes.
"I love you."
Sanji inhaled sharply.
"I love you, and I don't want you to think anything different. I love you, even if I don't feel attraction like you do. Even if I don't start swooning at the sight of you or get nosebleeds or I don't start acting dumb whenever you appear."
Sanji chuckled softly, but it sounded close to a sob. "Those are not the only ways I show it."
Zoro laughed. "I know, idiot cook."
They kissed, again and again. Zoro couldn't get enough, and from the looks of it, neither could Sanji.
It took them a long, long time to break apart, and when they did Zoro felt lighter. The world wasn't so dark and gloomy anymore.
Sanji then pushed him towards the sink, and Zoro thought, "Oh, we're about to have sex. Fuck, yeah—"
The cook grabbed one of the dirty dishes, and started washing it. Zoro pouted, and Sanji laughed at him.
"You know, this explains a lot," Sanji said, passing the clean plate. Zoro grabbed it easily, moving back into the routine.
"What do you mean?" He asked. How could he have noticed? They had a lot of sex…
"Well, there were so many times when I tried to seduce you, and you didn't react at all. Do you think I go around shirtless for no reason?"
Zoro blanked, trying to remember when that happened. Did Sanji actually…?
He did start walking around shirtless more, ever since they started seeing each other. Shit, was he trying to get a reaction out of him all those times? Even the other day, when he went swimming?
"Oh," was all Zoro could say.
Sanji laughed. "You get hornier when we cuddle than when I'm actively trying to get you to fuck. It's cute."
Zoro blushed, but he tried to hide it by glowering at him. "Shut up, shitty cook."
"Nah," Sanji grinned, reaching out with his wet hand to make his earrings jingle, and then grabbing the back of his neck to pull him into a soft, sweet kiss. Zoro didn't protest; the opposite, really. "I love you too."
Zoro froze, his eyes widening. He didn't think he would get to hear it, not that night and maybe not in a million years.
But he did hear it. Sanji loved him. Sanji loved him.
Zoro kissed him again, and this time they didn't pull away for much longer. The dishes were left forgotten, and they spent the whole night clinging to each other, feeling like they were back at the start of their relationship.
If Usopp found them the next morning sleeping on the couch in the galley, well, he didn't mention it to them. He wanted to live, after all.