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EXT. GREENDALE COMMUNITY COLLEGE LIBRARY - DAY
The sun shines brightly on the Greendale Community College Campus. In the adjacent park area, students and drug peddlers go about their business.
FRONT STEPS
A few people lounge on the steps flanked by the familiar concrete pillars.
INT. MAIN READING ROOM - DAY
People are scattered around the room sitting at the study tables worn from decades of gum and house keys. Fluorescent overhead lights wash white light on the tables. It is very quiet.
TODD
A slightly unsettling librarian in his thirties navigates amongst the tables of students, picking up books and putting them on his cart. Everything seems as peaceful as can reasonably be expected at Greendale.
POV
A single eerie musical note signals the presence of something strange looking down on the Librarian from a vantage point high above the room. It follows the Librarian as he pushes his cart around the corner.
INT. WORK AREA
Todd is alone in a back room sorting books for reshelving. Behind him is the card catalogue. One of the books attracts his interest and he starts leafing through it.
THE CARD CATALOGUE
Another eerie note is heard as one of the drawers silently slides open behind Todd and hundreds of index cards start popping out. Todd continues reading completely oblivious to this strange phenomenon. He gets up and moves past another row of cabinets. Two more drawers quietly slide open, and thousands of file cards start shooting out of the open drawers just behind him, but Todd still doesn't notice.
THE STACKS
Todd works his way through rows and rows of old iron shelves containing many thousands of volumes stacked from floor to ceiling. As he puts the books back in their proper places, he slowly gets the feeling that he's being watched. He continues his task but suddenly hears a scratching noise and stops.
TODD
(puzzled)
Hello? Is anybody there?
A ROW OF BOOKS
As Todd walks down the aisle, books start shooting off the shelf behind him. He turns suddenly and sees the fallen books.
TODD
Frightened now, he walks slowly to the end of the aisle and tentatively peeks around the corner. Seeing no one, he starts to scratch his head and suddenly a dozen books fly off the shelf right in front of him and fall to the floor.
TODD
(frightened)
All right! Who's there? Neil? Is that you?
Very slowly now, his heart pounding, Todd tiptoes to the other end of the aisle. He gets to the corner and starts to peek around it, afraid to look but unable to resist.
INT. THE NEXT AISLE - DAY
Todd comes slowly around the end of the stacks and gets his first look at the thing that's been watching him. His eyes go very wide and his mouth opens in horror.
He screams.
EXT. GREENDALE COMMUNITY COLLEGE - DAY
Students are entering and leaving a building on the east side of campus. A sign identifies the building as The English Memorial Spanish Center.
INT. BASEMENT - DAY
At one end of the dingy corridor is a door marked PARANORMAL STUDIES LABORATORY. A sign dangles from the doorknob: Maid - Please Make Up This Room. Scrawled across the door is a line of student graffiti that reads: "Winger Burn In Hell!" It looks like it's been written in blood.
WINGER (V.O.)
Now I'm going to turn over the next
card and I want you to concentrate
and tell me what you think it is.
INT. PARANORMAL STUDIES LAB - SAME TIME - DAY
JEFF WINGER is administering an ESP test to two student volunteers, a boy and a girl, who sit across the table from him separated from each other by a screen.
Winger is an associate professor but the manic gleam in his eyes and the sweatsuit/sport jacket combo he’s sporting indicate an underlying instability in his nature. However, while a little short on academic credentials, Winger is long on confidence, charm and salesmanship.
He turns to the male volunteer, an obnoxious, nasally student named GARRETT and pulls out a card from the standard deck of ESP symbols. The card is visible to the camera over Winger’s shoulder but hidden from the sophomore by a masonite board that rests between them on the table. The card shows a star symbol on it.
WINGER
All right. What is it?
GARRETT
(concentrates)
A square?
WINGER
(shakes his head)
Good guess - but no.
He shows Garrett the star card then presses a button on the table which administers a mild electric shock to the volunteer. Garrett twitches involuntarily as the shock passes through the electrode attached to his fingertips. Then Winger turns to the female volunteer, a very beautiful coed named QUENDRA.
WINGER
Now just clear your mind and tell
me what you see.
He turns over a card with a circle on it.
QUENDRA
(thinks hard)
Is it a star?
WINGER
(feigning surprise)
It is a star! That’s so great.
You're very good.
Quendra beams proudly as Winger turns back to Garret without showing her the card.
WINGER
(to Garrett)
Now think.
He turns up the diamond card.Garrett glances nervously at the electrodes, then ventures a guess.
GARRETT
Circle?
WINGER
Close - but definitely wrong.
He shocks him again and swivels around to face Quendra.
WINGER (CONT ' D) Ready?
(she nods and he turns up the triangle card)
What is it?
QUENDRA
(biting her lip)
Ummm - figure eight?
WINGER
(lies)
Incredible! Five for five. You're not cheating on me here, are you?
QUENDRA
(amazed at her own ability)
No. They're just coming to me.
WINGER
Well, you're doing great. Keep
it up .
He turns back to the Sophomore who winces as the next card is turned up - two parallel wavy lines.
WINGER (CONT'D)
Nervous?
GARRETT
Yes. I don't like this.
WINGER
Well, just 75 more to go. What's
this one?
GARRETT
(takes a deep breath)
Two wavy lines?
WINGER
(burying the card)
Sorry. This isn't your day.
He zaps him again but this time Garrett really jumps.
GARRETT
(angry)
Hey! I'm getting a little tired
of this.
WINGER
You volunteered, didn't you?
Aren't we paying you for this?
GARRETT
Yeah, but I didn't know you were
going to give me electric shocks.
What are you trying to prove?
WINGER
I'm studying the effect of negative
reinforcement on ESP ability.
GARRETT
I'll tell you the effect! It
pisses me off!
WINGER
Then my theory was correct.
Garrett gets up, pulls the electrodes off his fingertips and exits.
GARRETT
(as he goes)
Keep the five bucks. I've had it!
Winger turns back to Quendra and shrugs.
WINGER
Well, I guess some people have
it and some don't.
QUENDRA
(provocatively)
Do you think I have it, Dr. Winger?
WINGER
Definitely. I think you may be a
very gifted telepath.
Suddenly the door opens and TROY BARNES enters.
BARNES is Winger's colleague and good friend. A skilled engineer with a healthy sense of whimsy, Barnes is a maverick who genuinely loves a challenge. At the moment, he seems really keyed up.
BARNES
Drop everything; Winger. We got one.
He starts rummaging through cabinets and drawers, gathering up a variety of electronic devices.
WINGER
He frowns at the intrusion and turns to Quendra
WINGER
Excuse me for a minute.
(he crosses to Barnes)
Troy, I'm right in the middle of something here. Can you come back in about an hour?
BARNES
(excited, but hushed and confidential)
Jeff, at 1:40 this afternoon outside Study Room F in the William Admiral North Library, ten students witnessed a free-roaming, vaporous, full-torso apparition. It blew books from shelves at twenty feet away. Scared the socks off Todd.
WINGER
(unimpressed)
Sure. That's great, Troy. I think you should get down there right away and check it out. Let me know what happens.
BARNES
(insistent)
No, this one's for real, Jeff. Nadir went down there and took some PKE readings. Right off the top of the scale. Buried the
needle. We're close this time. I can feel it.
Winger looks at Barnes, then back at Quendra, torn between duty and pleasure.
WINGER
(decides)
Okay. Just give me a second here.
(he crosses back to Quendra)
I have to leave now but if you've got some time I'd like you to come back this evening and do some more work with me .
QUENDRA
Eight o'clock?
WINGER
(lying again)
I was just going to say "eight."
You're fantastic!
He waves good-bye and exits with Troy.
EXT. GREENDALE LIBRARY - DAY
Winger and Barnes arrive in a taxi and trot up the front steps. Barnes is loaded down with equipment.
BARNES
Nadir and I have charted every psychic occurrence in the TriState area for the past two years. The graph we came up with definitely points to something big.
WINGER
Troy, as your friend I have to tell you I think you've really gone around the bend on this ghost stuff. You've been running
your ass off for two years checking out every schizo in the Four Corners who thinks he's had an experience. And what have you seen?
BARNES
What do you mean by "seen?"
WINGER
Looked at with your eyes.
TROY
Well, I was at an unexplained multiple high-altitude rockfall once.
WINGER
Uh-huh. I've heard about the rockfall, Troy. I think you've been spending too much time with Abed.
INT. MAIN READING ROOM - DAY
ABED NADIR is looking for spirits when Winger and Barnes arrive. Nadir is a real egghead, a New Wave Mr. Spock, who single-handedly got Winger through graduate school. Nadir is incredibly intelligent but amazingly dense at the same time. At the moment he is listening to a table using a stethoscope connected to stereo earphones. Winger comes up behind him and taps on the table to get his attention.
WINGER
Abed?
Nadir hears the tapping and thinks he's made contact with the spirit world. Then Winger slams a heavy book down on the table.
WINGER (CONT'D)
Abed!
Nadir jumps at the deafening noise in his earphones and turns to see Winger and Barnes.
NADIR
Oh. You're here.
WINGER
What have you got, Abed?
NADIR
Oh, this is big, Jeff. This is very big. There's definitely something here.
WINGER
Abed, somehow this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole in your head. Do you remember that?
MARIAH
The head librarian. She’s redheaded, and pretty for a middle-aged civil servant. She hurries over to meet them.
MARIAH
(nervous)
Hello, I'm Mariah - the Head Librarian. Are you the professors from the Paranormal Studies Department?
WINGER
Yes. I'm Dr. Winger and this is Dr. Barnes.
MARIAH
(leads them off) Thank you for coming. I'd appreciate it if we could take care of this quickly and quietly.
WINGER
One thing at a time. We don't even know what it is yet.
INT. AN OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER
Winger is questioning the odd Librarian who saw the spirit, while a Paramedic continues treating him for shock.
TODD
I don't remember seeing any legs, but it definitely had arms because it reached for me.
BARNES
(excited)
Arms! Great! I can't wait to get a look at this thing.
Winger glowers at him, still skeptical.
WINGER
(to Todd)
All right, sir. Have you or has any member of your family ever been diagnosed schizophrenic or mentally incompetent?
TODD
Well, my uncle was Russell Borchert.
WINGER
(looks at Barnes) I'll call that a big "yes. "
(to Todd)
Do you yourself habitually use drugs, stimulants or alcohol?
THE DOOR
TODD
No.
WINGER
I thought not. And one last thing. Are you currently menstruating?
TODD
(shocked)
No, but I’m diabetic.
WINGER
(snaps)
What does that have to do with anything?!
Nadir sticks his head in.
NADIR
(excited)
It's moving!
Barnes and Winger rush out.
INT. DEEP IN THE STACKS - DAY
They come slowly down the dark aisle with Nadir leading, taking constant readings. Their faces are lit mainly by the light of their own monitoring and recording equipment.
HIGH POV
Looking down on them from the spectral point of view.
A SPIRAL STAIRCASE
One by one, Winger, Barnes and Nadir come down the tightly winding, old iron staircase. They are scared. Books are strewn all over the floor.
A BOOKSHELF
The books start to slide forward then the whole shelving unit topples over and almost crushes the team under a ton of books. They jump to safety.
WINGER
Nice.
(out loud)
Hello…
Nadir looks at his meters and silently points at a dark aisle intersecting the one they're in. The team inches toward it.
NADIR
It's here.
They stop at the corner.
INT. THE DARK AISLE - DAY
The team peeks around the corner and looks toward camera.
THEIR POV - DAY
An ethereal presence is hovering between the stacks about four feet off the ground. It seems to waver on the edge of being and non-being, then a large legless, headless torso begins to emerge.
WINGER, BARNES, AND NADIR
They stand there amazed.
BARNES
(whispers)
What is it?
WINGER
It looks like a big pair of breasts and a pot belly.
THE TORSO - DAY
A head and arms begin to form. The apparition is now unmistakably a full-bodied, somewhat elderly lady.
NADIR
It's a woman.
He edges closer to take valence readings. Barnes starts snapping infra-red photos of it.
BARNES
(excited)
I told you it's real.
WINGER
(whispers)
What do we do now?
BARNES
(whispers back)
I don't know. Talk to it.
WINGER
(nods in agreement then hesitates)
What do I say?
BARNES
Anything! Just make contact.
WINGER
(takes a deep breath, then addresses the specter)
Hey, Lady!
(the apparition turns and seems to look right past them)
Lady, can you talk? Who are you?
(no answer)
(to Barnes)
This is not working. Think of something else.
BARNES
(sotto voce)
Okay. Okay. I got it. I know what to do. Stay close. I've got a plan.
He starts moving closer to the apparition. Winger and Nadir edge closer, fighting their fear. They stop a few feet from the vision.
BARNES (CONT'D)
(whispers)
Okay, now do exactly as I say. Everybody ready?
WINGER & NADIR
Ready.
BARNES
Okay . . .
(shouts)
GET HER!!!
He leaps at the apparition. Winger and Nadir jump reflexively at almost the same moment but they all end up on the floor grabbing at thin air.
THE GHOST - DAY
She drops back a few feet, looms up into a raging demonlike specter and blasts them with a rush of hot breath as she mouths a single word.
THE GHOST
(roars)
QUIET!
WINGER, BARNES, AND NADIR
They scream and fall backwards.
EXT. LIBRARY - MAIN ENTRANCE - DAY
They burst through the doors and onto the broad steps, both terrified and exhilarated by their first real contact with the supernatural. Mariah rushes out the door after them and chases them down the steps.
MARIAH
(very agitated)
Did you see it? What was it?
WINGER
We'll get back to you.
EXT. GREENDALE COMMUNITY COLLEGE - DAY
Winger, Barnes, and Nadir head for their lab in the English Memorial Spanish Center. Abed makes rapid calculations as Jeff and Troy argue.
WINGER
(steamed)
"Get her?" That was your whole plan? You call that science?
BARNES
(exultant)
I guess I got a little overexcited. Wasn't it incredible! I'm telling you, this is a first. You know what this could mean to Greendale?
WINGER
(sarcastic)
Oh, yeah. This could be bigger than the microchip. They'll probably
throw out the entire engineering department and turn their building over to us. We're probably the first serious scientists to ever molest a dead old lady.
NADIR
(consulting his minicomputer)
I wouldn't say the experience was completely wasted. Based on these new readings, I think we have an excellent chance of actually catching a ghost and holding it indefinitely.
Winger stops dead in his tracks, stunned by the news. Barnes and Nadir continue walking.
BARNES
(to Nadir; excited)
Then we were right! This is great. And if the ionization rate is constant for all ectoplasmic entities, I think we could really kick ass - in in the spiritual sense.
Winger catches up with them again.
WINGER
Nadir, are you serious about actually catching a ghost?
NADIR
I'm always serious.
WINGER
(his mind reeling at the possibilities)
Wow!
EXT. ENGLISH MEMORIAL SPANISH CENTER - A LITTLE LATER
They approach the entrance to the psychology department talking excitedly. Winger stops at the door and turns to Nadir.
WINGER
Abed, I take back everything I ever said about you. Take this.
(he hands him a candy bar)
You earned it.
They enter the building with Abed greedily devouring the candy bar.
INT. ENG. MEM. SPANISH CENTER~ DAY
They walk through the hall, then down the stairs to the basement.
WINGER
(his mind racing)
If you guys are right, if we can actually trap a ghost and hold it somehow, I think I could win the Nobel Prize.
BARNES
(protests)
If anyone deserves it, it's Nadir and me. We're doing all the hard research and designing the equipment.
WINGER
Yeah, but I introduced you guys. You never would've met if not for me. That's got to be worth something.
INT. THE BASEMENT - DAY
A Workman in painter pants is at the door as Winger, Barnes and Nadir approach and enter the lab. As soon as the door closes behind them, the Workman starts scraping their names off the door with a razor blade.
INT. THE LAB - DAY
As they enter, janitorial and maintenance personnel are busy dismantling their apparatus and equipment. PROFESSOR DUNCAN is
supervising. Winger confronts him.
WINGER
(shocked)
I trust you're moving us to a better space somewhere on campus.
PROF. DUNCAN
No, we're moving you OFF CAMPUS. The Board of Regents has decided to terminate your grant. You are to vacate these premises immediately.
WINGER
This is preposterous! I demand an explanation.
PROF. DUNCAN
Fine. This school will no longer continue any funding of any kind for your group's Activities.
WINGER
But why? The students love us!
PROF. DUNCAN
Dr. Winger, we believe that the purpose of science is to serve mankind.
You, however, seem to regard science as some kind of "dodge" or "hustle." Your theories are the
worst kind of popular tripe, your methods are sloppy and your conclusions are highly questionable.
You're a poor scientist, Dr. Winger, and you have no place in this department or in this University.
WINGER
I see.
BARNES
(to Winger)
You said you floored 'em at the Regents' meeting.
WINGER
(righteous)
Troy, I apologize.
(looking at Professor Duncan.)
They did this to Galileo, too. I guess my confidence in Regents was misplaced.
PROF. DUNCAN
It could be worse, Dr. Winger. They took the astronomer Phileas and staked his head to the town gate.
EXT. GREENDALE COMMUNITY COLLEGE - DAY - A LITTLE LATER
Barnes and Winger are sitting on a bench both looking desolate.
BARNES
(shaking his head)
This is like a major disgrace. Forget M.I. T. or Stanford, now they wouldn't touch us with a three-meter cattle prod.
WINGER
You're always so worried about your reputation. We don't need
the school. Einstein did his best stuff while he was working as a patent clerk.
They can't stop progress.
BARNES
(not cheered)
Do you know what a patent clerk makes? I liked Greendale. They gave us money, they gave us the facilities,
and we didn't have to produce anything! You’ve worked in the private sector. You know they expect results.
I've never even been out of college!
WINGER
(with visionary zeal)
Let me tell you, Troy, everything in life happens for a reason. Call
it fate, call it luck, Karma, whatever. I think we were destined to
get kicked out of there.
BARNES
For what purpose?
WINGER
(with real conviction)
To go into business for ourselves.
Barnes is immediately intrigued by the idea but voices his reservations.
BARNES
I don't know. That costs money. And the ecto-containment system we have in mind will require a load of bread to capitalize. Where would we get the money?
EXT. MAIN STREET GREENDALE - DAY
Winger, Barnes, and Nadir emerge from the Hawthorne Bank headquarters, all neatly dressed in suits.
WINGER
You'll never regret this, Troy.
BARNES
(perturbed)
My parents left me that house. I was born there.
WINGER
You're not going to lose the house. Everybody has three mortgages these days.
BARNES
But at nineteen percent interest! You didn't even bargain with the Guy.
NADIR
(calculating)
Just for your information, Troy, the interest payments alone for the first five years come to over $75,000.
WINGER
Will you guys relax? We are on the threshold of establishing the indispensable defense science of the next decade -
Professional Paranormal Investigations and Eliminations. The franchise rights alone will make us wealthy beyond your wildest dreams.
BARNES
But most people are afraid to even report these things.
WINGER
Maybe. But no one ever advertised before.
Barnes and Nadir exchange doubtful looks.
EXT. FIREHALL - DAY
An abandoned brick, four-story fire station built by the city around the turn of the century. It bears a coat of faded red paint and legend above the garage door in chipped gilt letters: Engine Company #93. The garage doors open revealing Winger standing in the white-tiled garage bay with a middle aged REAL ESTATE AGENT wearing a blazer.
INT. GARAGE BAY - DAY
Winger is looking around.
REAL ESTATE AGENT
Besides this, you've got another substantial work area on the
ground floor, office space, sleeping quarters and showers on the
next floor, and you have your full kitchen on the top level. It's
10,000 square feet total.
Nadir comes out of the office area with a pocket calculator.
NADIR
It's 9,642.55 square feet.
The Realtor frowns at Nadir.
REAL ESTATE AGENT
What is he - your accountant?
BARNES
He is looking at the shiny brass fire pole.
BARNES
(shouts, loving it)
Wow! Does this pole still work?
WINGER
(considering but not wanting to appear too eager)
This might do… I don't know… it just seems kind of "pricey"
for a fixer-upper, don't you think? We're trying to keep our
costs down. You know how it is when you're starting a new
Company.
REAL ESTATE AGENT
Yes, I know. What are you calling your business?
BARNES
Ghostbusters.
REAL ESTATE AGENT
Oh, well, this place is perfect for it.
EXT. GREENDALE - DAY
A high panoramic view shows exceedingly average city outskirts on a beautiful sunny day.
EXT. GREENDALE CONDOMINUM - DAY
An unusual-looking condo building stands out amongst other standard midsize city apartments in the neighborhood. The top of the building includes an elaborate decorative temple, complete with altar, stairs and Babylonian columns. The late afternoon sun gives the structure an oddly menacing quality. The camera PANS slowly down to the street as BRITTA PERRY, an attractive woman in her late twenties, comes walking up to the building carrying her cello and a shopping bag full of groceries.
INT. GREENDALE CONDOMINUM - LOBBY - DAY
Britta crosses the lobby and gets into the elevator.
INT. THIRTEENTH FLOOR - DAY
Britta gets off the elevator and goes to the door of her apartment. As she unlocks it, the door to the next apartment opens and Britta’s neighbor, BENJAMIN FRANKLIN CHANG, peeks his head out the door. Chang is an unstable fake Spanish teacher, hopelessly in love with Britta.
CHANG
Oh, Britta, it's you…
BRITTA
(she's seen this before)
Hi, Ben.
CHANG
…I thought it was the drug store.
BRITTA
Are you sick, Ben?
Chang has broken the ice. He confidently exits his apartment and approaches Britta. His door slams behind him as he leaves.
CHANG
Oh, no, I feel great. I just ordered some more five-hour energy. I see
you were exercising. So was I, I taped "20 Minute Workout" and
played it back at high speed so it only took ten minutes and I got a
really good workout. You wanna do some monkey knockout gas with me?
BRITTA
No thanks, Ben. I'm really tired. I've been rehearsing all morning.
CHANG
Okay. I'll take a raincheck. I always have plenty of monkey knockout gas and other nutritious health foods, but you know that.
Listen, thatreminds me, I'm having a party for all my students. It's gonna be my fourth anniversary as a Spanish Teacher. I
know you aren’t in my class anymore, but I'd like you to come being that you're my next door neighbor and all…
BRITTA
Oh, that's nice, Ben. I'll stop by if I'm around.
CHANG
You know you shouldn't leave your TV on so loud when you go out.
That creep down the hall phoned the manager.
BRITTA
I thought I turned it off.
(she listens and hears loud sound coming from inside)
I guess I forgot.
Britta begins unlocking her door.
CHANG
I climbed on the window ledge to see if I could disconnect the cable but I couldn't reach so I turned up the
sound on my TV real loud so they'd think there was something wrong with everybody's.
You know, you and I should really have keys to each other's apartment…
Her door closes leaving Chang stranded. He walks back to
his apartment muttering to himself.
CHANG (CONT'D)
…in case of emergencies…
(he discovers he has locked himself out of his apartment)
…like this one.
BRITTA’S APARTMENT - DAY
A cramped one-bedroom apartment, charmingly cluttered with a couple cats hanging around. She leaves her cello in the entrance hall, grabs the bag of groceries and goes through the living room toward the
ktchen.
Remembering Chang, she stops at the TV set to turn it off, but a strange image on the screen catches her attention.
TV SCREEN
INT. CHILDREN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Two children, a BOY and a GIRL, are asleep in bed when suddenly they are awakened by supernatural moaning and groaning.
THE CHILDREN
They scream and jump out of bed.
THE DOOR
Their MOTHER and FATHER rush in to find the children cowering against the wall.
FATHER
What is it? What's wrong?
THE KIDS
Look!
They point at the closet.
MOTHER
(to Father)
Oh, dear. It's that darn ghost again. Can't you do something about it?
FATHER
(helpless)
I've tried everything, honey! I guess we'll just have to move.
The mother and the kids look at him with disappointment.
MOTHER
Gee, there must be a better way.
Barnes steps into the foreground.
BARNES
Are you troubled by strange noises in the night? Do you experience feelings of dread in your basement or attic?
Have you or your family actually seen a spook, specter or ghost?
If the answer is yes, then don't wait another minute.
Just pick up the phone and call the professionals- Ghostbusters.
EXT, FIREHALL
Winger, Barnes and Nadir are standing in front of the Ghostbusters' sign. Nadir steps forward.
NADIR
(to camera)
Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs.
INT. RECEPTION AREA
Annie is seen answering the telephone with a big fake
smile on her face.
ANNIE
(cheery)
Ghostbusters. We'll be right there.
INT. CHILDREN'S BEDROOM
Nadir is taking PKE readings along the baseboards. Barnes pops up from under the bed.
BARNES
(smiling proudly)
Got him! I don't think you'll have any more trouble with that ghost.
FATHER, MOTHER AND WINGER
They all look as pleased as punch as Winger hands the Father a bill.
FATHER
(looks at the total) And it's economical, too!
MOTHER
How can we ever thank you?
WINGER
(big, cheesy smile) All in a day's work, ma'am.
After all ... (to camera).. We're Ghostbusters.
(he winks)
EXT. FRONT DOOR
Mother, Father and Kids wave goodbye to the Ghostbusters.
THE FAMILY
(sings)
If you have a ghost,
But you don't want to play host,
You can't sleep at all,
So who do you calL…? Ghostbusters - Ghostbusters.
WINGER, BARNES AND NADIR
They smile at the camera as a phone number is supered on
the screen.
GHOSTBUSTERS
(in unison)
We're ready to believe you.
Britta turns off the TV set and goes into the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN
Britta switches on the radio and starts unpacking groceries. She sets a loaf of bread and a carton of eggs on the counter and begins putting other items away in the pantry.
THE EGGS
The top of the carton pops open. Then, one by one, the eggs erupt and spill over onto the counter. As the liquid contents hit the countertop they sizzle. The eggs begin to fry on the formica surface.
BRITTA
She hears the sizzle, turns and sees the eggs frying. She gasps, then recovers and inspects the mess. She touches the counter gingerly, but it's not at all hot. Deeply perplexed, she stands there, trying to think of an explanation. Then a strange new sound attracts her attention and she turns around to see where it's coming from.
Britta hears the sound of muffled chanting coming from the fridge. She pulls the door open and gets the shock of her life. The inside of the fridge has been transformed into the Gateway to another Realm - a fiery path leading to a temple door. On each side of the door is a strange, snarling creature that could best be described as a TERROR DOG. Their front claws are raised toward each other in a symbolic pose. The incredible vision is accompanied by the unearthly chanting.
BRITTA
She stands there transfixed by horror, the flames reflecting in her eyes.
THE FRIDGE
The chanting gets more frenetic and ominous as the temple doors slowly begin to open.
BRITTA
She is paralyzed.
THE TEMPLE DOORS
They continue to open. We feel a terrible presence within.
BRITTA
THE PRESENCE
(whispers loudly and hoarsely)
ZUUL!!!
She screams and slams the refrigerator door. Instantly, everything is normal again. She looks around the room.
THE EGGS
They are back in the carton, unbroken.
BRITTA
Fighting her fear, she turns back to the fridge and very slowly reaches for the handle. Then summoning all her courage, she yanks open the door. Ketchup, mustard, bottles of vitamins and other food items fall out of the rack on the inside of the refrigerator door. Britta sighs with relief as she sees nothing but the cool white porcelain interior of the fridge. She closes the door and stands there for a moment still shaken by the vision. Then she shakes her head and leaves the kitchen.
EXT. FIREHOUSE - DAY
The garage bay door is open. Two painters on scaffolding are completing a paint job on the front of the structure in flat black paint. A carpenter finishes hanging a sign over the door. It reads: GHOSTBUSTERS.
Then Barnes comes driving up in a very long, gold 1959 Cadillac ambulance and turns into the garage bay of the firehouse. The car has a battered look to it and rumbles noisily due to a broken muffler.
INT. GARAGE BAY - DAY
Barnes hits the siren and flashes the emergency lights as he drives in. Winger crosses to the car as Barnes jumps out enthusiastically.
BARNES
Everybody can relax. I found the car. How do you like it?
WINGER
(not terribly pleased)
Do you think it's wide enough? How much?
BARNES
Fourteen hundred.
Winger steps on the front bumper and rocks it. It wallows badly.
BARNES
Just needs a little suspension work… And a muffler… And maybe brakes.
INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY
A bored-looking brunette young woman, ANNIE EDISON, sits in a swivel chair behind the reception desk, putting another coat of red polish on her heavily lacquered nails. Nadir is on his hands and knees wiring up the telephone system under her desk.
ANNIE
You're very handy, I can tell. I bet you like to read a lot, too.
NADIR
(looks up)
Print is dead.
ANNIE
That's very fascinating to me. I read a lot myself. Some people think I'm too intellectual.
But I think reading is a fabulous way to spend your spare time.
(he doesn't answer)
I also play racketball. Do you ever play?
NADIR
Is that a game?
ANNIE
It's a great game! You should play sometime. I bet you'd be
good. You seem very athletic. Do you have any hobbies?
NADIR
I collect spores, molds and fungus.
ANNIE
Oh, that's very - unusual.
NADIR
I think it's the food of the future.
ANNIE
Remind me not to go to lunch with you.
Britta Perry enters and looks around hesitantly.
WINGER
He springs into action.
WINGER
(all charm)
Hello. I'm Jeff Winger. May I help you?
BRITTA
Yes… welL… I'm not sure. What I have to say may sound a little… unusual.
WINGER
We're all professionals here, Miss…
BRITTA
Perry. Britta Perry.
They walk toward the inner office.
WINGER
Why don't you step into the office and we'll talk about it.
(to Annie)
Hold all my calls, Annie.
ANNIE
What calls?
Winger frowns and exits with Britta.
INSERT - TV MONITOR - LATER
Britta is seen in close-up on a TV screen as she finishes telling about her experience.
BRITTA
…and then I opened the door again but it was gone. There was nothing there.
WINGER
(off-camera)
So what do you think it was?
INT. OFFICE - SAME TIME
Britta is hooked up to a lie detector. Nadir is monitoring the readout and videotaping the interview. Winger and Barnes are listening intently, waiting for Britta's assessment of her experience.
BRITTA
(after a long pause)
I think something in my refrigerator is trying to get me.
Winger stares at her, trying to make sense of her last statement.
WINGER
Generally, you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance. What do you think, Abed?
NADIR
(checking the polygraph)
She's telling the truth - or at least she thinks she is.
BRITTA
(defensive)
Why would anyone make up a thing like that?
WINGER
Some people like the attention. Some people are just crazy.
BARNES
(muses)
You know, Jeff, this could be a past life experience intruding on the present.
NADIR
Or even a trace memory, stored in the collective unconscious. And
I wouldn't rule out clairvoyance or telepathic contact either.
Britta starts laughing. They all regard her curiously.
BRITTA
{trying to be serious)
I'm sorry. It's just that I don't believe in any of these things. I don't even know my sign.
NADIR
(checks his notes)
You're a Scorpio with your moon in Leo and Aquarius rising.
BRITTA
Is that good?
WINGER
It means you're bright, ambitious,
outgoing, and very, very sexy.
Britta looks at Winger, flattered by the remark but more than a little suspicious of his motives.
BRITTA
Is that your professional opinion?
WINGER
It's in the stars.
BARNES
Why don't I check out the building? It may have a history of psychic turbulence.
WINGER
Good idea.
(to Britta)
Were any other words spoken that you remember?
BRITTA
No, just that one word - Zuul - but I have no idea what it means.
WINGER
Nadir, see if you can find the word "Zuul" in any of the
literature. I'll take Miss Perry home and check out her apartment.
INT. BRITTA'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT AFTERNOON
The door opens and Britta enters the darkened flat with Winger. She switches on the light and leads him to the livinq room.
WINGER
Have you ever thought of moving
out - at least until this disturbance blows over?
BRITTA
No. If I moved out now I'd be acknowledging that what happened
was real. I'm not ready to do that.
Winger sees the cello leaning up against the wall.
WINGER
You play the cello! It's my favorite instrument.
BRITTA
Really? Do you have a favorite piece?
WINGER
(thinks)
I'd have to say Prokofiev's third concerto.
BRITTA
That's a violin concerto.
WINGER
Yeah, but it's got a great cello break.
He grabs the cello and starts playing it like a stand-up base. Britta takes the instrument out of his hands and gently puts it back in the case.
BRITTA
You really don't act like a scientist.
WINGER
No? What do I act like?
BRITTA
Like a used car salesman.
WINGER
Thanks.
(he gets down to business and starts looking around the apartment)
What's in there?
He points to a door.
BRITTA
That's the bedroom, but nothing ever happened in there.
She takes off her jacket.
WINGER
(noticing her body)
That's too bad.
BRITTA
What?
WINGER
Nothing. Is that the kitchen?
He points to another door.
BRITTA
(nods)
Uh-huh.
WINGER
Well, let's check it out.
BRITTA
I'll wait here if you don't mind.
He enters the kitchen.
INT. THE KITCHEN - DAY
The room is a real mess. Utensils are lying all over the floor. The cabinets and walls are splattered with food.
WINGER
(calls out)
You're quite a housekeeper.
BRITTA
(off-camera)
I told you, I…
WINGER
I know. It happened by itself.
He scans the room with his monitoring device.
WINGER (CONT'D)
Nothing.
He looks in a couple of cabinets, then confronts the refrigerator. With mild trepidation he grasps the door handle, then suddenly jerks it open. The handle comes off in his hand.
WINGER (CONT'D)
Damn!
BRITTA
(off-camera)
Are you all right?
WINGER
Yeah, yeah.
He grips the side of the fridge door and pulls it open.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Britta stands there nervously watching the kitchen door. Finally, it opens and Winger comes out munching an apple.
WINGER
There's nothing there now and I don't get any significant readings.
BRITTA
This is terrible. Either there's a monster in my kitchen or I’m
completely crazy.
WINGER
If it's any comfort to you, I don't think you're crazy.
BRITTA
(laughs ironically)
Thanks. Coming from you that really means a lot to me.
WINGER
I'm a qualified psychologist. I've got a degree and everything. I believe that something happened here and I want to do something about it.
BRITTA
All right. What do you want to do?
WINGER
I think I should spend the night here.
BRITTA
(she's had enough)
That's it. Get out.
WINGER
On a purely scientific basis.
BRITTA
Out!
WINGER
I want to help you.
BRITTA
I'll scream.
WINGER
Don't scream.
BRITTA
(urging him to the door)
Then leave.
WINGER
Okay, okay. But if anything else happens, you have to promise you'll call me.
BRITTA
(opening the door)
All right.
WINGER
Okay. Then I'll go.
BRITTA
Goodbye.
WINGER
(in the hall)
No kiss?
She closes the door in his face and triple locks it.
EXT. HALLWAY - DAY
Winger stands there with his nose flattened against Britta’s door. He starts to leave just as Chang pokes his head out the door hoping to see Britta. He jealously eyes Winger. Winger ignores Chang and gets on the elevator. Chang spots his newspaper lying on the floor across the hall. Holding the door open with one foot, he reaches for the paper but can't quite stretch far enough. Trying another approach, he swings the door open, leaps for the paper and darts back to the door just as it slams shut in his face, locking him out again.
INT. FIREHOUSE KITCHEN - NIGHT
Barnes and Nadir are eating Chinese food from several take-out containers. Winger enters.
BARNES
How was your date?
WINGER
It wasn't a date. It was an investigation.
NADIR
Did you see anything?
WINGER
Didn't see anything. Didn't get anything. Nice girl - no ghost, I'm starting to worry.
You said your graph was pointing to something big. You told me things were going to start popping.
BARNES
They will.
WINGER
Do you know when that might be? We're on the brink of a very serious cash-flow problem.
He plucks a garlic shrimp from one of the Chinese food cartons and walks off disconsolately.
EXT. BORCHERT HALL DORMS- NIGHT
Two NEWLYWEDS return to the Borchert Hall Dorm Building.
INT. DORMS - NIGHT
A "DO NOT DISTURB" sign hangs on the doorknob of Room 303. Soft music is heard coming from the room.
INT. ROOM 303- NIGHT
The room is dark but we can hear the sighs and heavy breathing of a man and woman making love on the bed. The camera PANS across the floor following a trail of dropped clothing - a tuxedo jacket and cummerbund, white satin high heels, a lacy wedding gown, striped tuxedo trousers, satin ladies underpants, stockings and garters.
THE BED
VICKI (V.O.)
Aren't you glad we waited?
NEIL (V .O.)
I don't know. It probably would've been the same.
VICKI (V.O.)
(indignant)
Well, thanks a lot.
The Groom turns his back to the Bride and pulls the sheet up to his neck.
BRIDE
What are you doing? Are you just going to roll over and go to sleep?
(he doesn't respond)
I don't believe this.
She switches on the lamp on the nightstand and picks up a magazine.
THE AIR VENT
There is a throbbing shudder as if something powerful was rushing through the air duct. A hint of yellowy vapor wafts through the grating and into the room.
THE NIGHTSTAND
The travel clock reads 9:45 P.M. Suddenly there is an audible hiss, then the glass clock-face cracks down the middle with a snap.
THE BRIDE
Startled, she looks at the clock and picks it up to examine it.
VICKI
Neil? Your clock broke.
NEIL
Nice going, honey. It was brand new.
VICKI
I didn't break your precious clock, Neil!
He gets up and heads for the bathroom.
VICKI (CONT ' D)
Now where are you going?
NEIL
To the bathroom, where do you think?
VICKI
(to herself)
Have I done the right thing?
Neil enters the bathroom and closes the door behind him. The sound of water running in the sink is heard. Then Vicki hears a sound like the noise a cat makes when trying to dislodge a hairball from its throat.
VICKI
(calls out)
Neil? Are you all right?
The noise increases to the level of ten cats with hairballs.
VICKI
(disgusted)
Hey, sweetheart, will you CUT THAT OUT!!!
NEIL(O.S.)
Uuuuuuugh!!
VICKI
(getting quite nervous)
What's the matter, dear?
She gets out of bed just as he comes charging out, stuttering in stunned horror. She goes into the bathroom.
VICKI(V.O.)
What did you do in here? It smells awful!! OH… Oh, no… Oh, my God.
Vicki runs out of the bathroom into the arms of Neil who is on the telephone.
NEIL
…right …It's smelling up the whole suite…! don't know… It's just hanging off the ceiling… I’ve never seen anything like this…
INT. FIREHOUSE OFFICE - NIGHT
Annie turns off the light at her desk. She packs up her purse and puts on her coat. The phone rings. Annie answers it unenthusiastically.
ANNIE
Ghostbusters… Yes, it is… Yes, of course they're serious. You do! You have! Yes, sir. Well, they're out on another case now,
but if you’ll give me the address… Don’t worry, they’ll be totally discreet.
She hits an alarm button and a loud bell starts ringing frantically.
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
The alarm sounds and everyone jumps up, scattering takeout cartons.
INT. DORM - NIGHT
The alarm continues. Everyone enters in haste and scrambles into jumpsuits. There is much hopping on one leg and bumping into one another.
BRASS POLE
Fully suited, Winger jumps on and slides down followed quickly by Nadir. Then Barnes jumps at it but hits it at the wrong angle. He slowly slides down out of sight with a stunned look on his face.
INT. GARAGE BAY - EQUIPMENT RACKS - NIGHT
Everyone pulls throwers, traps, packs and harnesses off the wall.
EXT . FIREHOUSE - NIGHT
The garage door slides up and in a blaze of light and screeching tires, the ambulance squeals out and makes a right turn. The vehicle has been painted flat black and has been fitted with communication wafers and antennae. All the original lights have been replaced with purple and white strobes and the siren has been altered to emit a low, unearthly moaning. The purple and white strobe bars give the car a strange ultraviolet aura. It rounds the corner and heads up the highway.
EXT. DORMS - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
The black ambulance screeches up to the main entrance, siren blaring. Emblazoned on the door is the Ghostbusters' new logo. It's the international symbol of prohibition, a red circle with a diagonal red stroke across a ghost. The DOORMAN steps forward as Winger, Barnes and Nadir leap out of the car. They open up the rear door and remove their equipment. People on the street stop and gawk.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
As the Ghostbusters enter, people turn and stare at their strange appearance. They all wear matching khaki jumpsuits with proton packs strapped to their backs.
WINGER
He looks ill-at-ease and embarrassed by their outlandish getups as VICE DEAN LAYBOURNE descends on them accompanied by MURRAY and JERRY.
VICE DEAN LAYBOURNE
(agitated)
Thank you for coming so quickly. The students are starting to ask questions and I'm running out of excuses.
BARNES
Has this ever happened before?
LAYBOURNE
Well, most of the staff knows about the third floor… The disturbances, I mean… But it's been quiet for years…
Up until two weeks ago… It was never ever this bad, though.
BARNES
Did you ever report it to anyone?
LAYBOURNE
Heavens, no! The board doesn't like us to even talk about it. I hoped we could take care of this quietly tonight.
BARNES
Yes, sir. Don't worry. We handle this kind of thing all the time.
They cross the cafeteria to the elevators, attracting lots of curious interest from the students.
WINGER
ANNIE KIM accosts him while they wait for an elevator.
ANNIE KIM
What are you supposed to be?
WINGER
Me? We're… uh… the exterminators. Somebody saw a cockroach on the third floor.
Annie Kim looks at Winger, noting the heavy proton pack on
his back,the odd-looking particle thrower and flipdown ectovisor.
ANNIE KIM
That's gotta be some cockroach.
WINGER
Well, you can't be too careful with those babies.
The elevator arrives and he gets on with the others.
INT. THE ELEVATOR - NIGHT
The Ghostbusters look nervous as they ride up the elevator.
BARNES
I just realized something. We've never had a completely successful test with any of the equipment.
NADIR
I blame myself.
WINGER
So do I.
BARNES
No sense worrying about it now.
WINGER
(doubtful)
Sure. Each of us is wearing an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on our back. No problem.
The elevator stops at the Twelfth Floor.
INT. TWELFTH FLOOR CORRIDOR - NIGHT
The elevator doors open and Winger peeks out into the hall.
He steps out cautiously, followed by the others.
THE END OF THE HALL
MAGNITUDE comes around the corner behind them, pushing a cafeteria cart loaded with dishes.
BARNES
He hears the rattle of the dishes behind him, whirls and fires a stream of protons from his wand.
Nadir is so keyed up, he too spins and fires wildly.
MAGNITUDE
He ducks as the particle streams blow the dishes off the cart and scorch holes in the wall behind him.
WINGER
(shouts)
Cease fire!
Magnitude peeks out from behind the cart.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They breathe a sigh of relief.
BARNES
(to Magnitude)
Sorry, Buddy!
NADIR
We'd better adjust our streams.
He leads them down the hall to Room 303.
INT. ROOM 303- NIGHT
The Ghostbusters enter trepidatiously and start taking readings.
NADIR
(looking at his meters)
Something was definitely here.
WINGER
Yeah, I can smell it.
BARNES
I'm getting high readings near the air vents. It must be using the
duct system to get around. See, I told you we'd get something.
WINGER
So far all we got is a shit smell on the third floor and we almost fried Magnitude.
BARNES
All right. Let's cool the negative vibes. These things can sense them.
They exit the room.
INT. A CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Nadir makes his way down the hall reading valences at the door to each room. He knocks on one of the doors, then passes his sensor over the top of the door and down the jambs. Then he gets on his knees to read the crack at the bottom of the door. Suddenly the door opens and he looks up to see a cute woman wrapped in a bath towel with another towel twisted turban-style around her wet hair.
RACHEL
(noting his unusual attire)
Yes?
NADIR
(stands up)
Were you recently in the bathroom?
RACHEL
(sarcastic)
What on earth gave you that idea?
NADIR
(seriously)
The wet towels, residual moisture on your lower limbs and hair, the
redness in your cheeks indicating…
RACHEL
(cutting him off)
You're a regular Sherlock Holmes. Now what do you want?
NADIR
When you were in the bathroom, did you notice anything that was yellow and unusually smelly?
She slams the door in his face. Nadir shrugs and moves on.
INT. ANOTHER CORRIDOR - SAME TIME
Barnes moves down the hall checking PKE valences.
HIS PKE METER
The needle jumps into the red.
BARNES
He alerts Nadir through the walkie-talkie headset he wears.
BARNES
{hushed)
Abed! I got something. I'm moving in.
Slowly and cautiously, he turns the corner at the end of the hall. Suddenly, he sees the object of their search and freezes.
THE VAPOR
BARNES
{frightened)
Yaaaaaaaaah!
TROY'S POV
The vapor is hunched over the cafeteria cart loaded with broken dishes. It hangs there, translucent, foul, yellow, feeding off food scraps and leftover beverages, knocking dishes off the cart and scattering refuse. It looks like a misshapen potato with a pushed-in face and spindly arms.
NADIR
(over the walkie-talkie)
Troy? Where are you? Are you all right?
BARNES
(amazed)
God, it's ugly!
It raises a half-empty bottle of wine to its gaping maw and chugs down the liquid. The wine is visible as it pours down his gullet and passes through his system, finally spilling through his body onto the floor.
BARNES
He edges closer.
THE VAPOR
It crams some leftovers into its mouth and belches loudly.
BARNES
(whispers into his head set)
I'm moving in. I don't think it's seen me yet.
BARNES
He is growing increasingly more disgusted as the initial fear leaves him.
BARNES
Ugh! What a slob! I'm going to take him.
(shouts at the vapor)
Freeze, Potato-Face!
He fires his particle thrower at the vapor.
THE VAPOR
It dodges Barnes' first shot and the ion stream tears away fifty feet of wallpaper in a searing ricochet. The vapor flies off down the hall, pulling the room service cart along in its wake.
BARNES
He chases it down the hall, shouting into his headset.
BARNES
He's getting away!
THE VAPOR
It reaches the end of the corridor but passes right through the solid wall. Instead of turning, it crashes into the wall, smashing dishes, the room service cart, and sending the debris flying.
INT. A DORM ROOM - NIGHT
DISCO STU is just pulling the plastic bag off his recently dry- cleaned white dinner jacket when the noxious vapor comes
shooting through the wall. It blows right over him with a
great rush of stinking wind and exits through the air vent.
DISCO STU
He looks at the air vent then back at his dinner jacket
which has turned several shades of sickly yellow and brown.
INT. A CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Winger is alone in a long hallway. He leans against the wall, clearly not taking any of this seriously. He hauls on a cigarette and mutters to himself.
WINGER
This bites it. I actually work for a company called Ghostbusters.
Suddenly from the end of the hallway comes the sound of rattling dishes and silverware, accompanied by footsteps. Winger's PKE meter beeps and a red light winks on.
WINGER (CONT'D)
(into the walkie-talkie)
Troy- Something's here.
BARNES(O.S.)
(crackling over the communicator)
Where are you, Jeff?
WINGER
(backing away)
Third floor. Get down here.
BARNES
Sit tight. I'm on my way.
WINGER
Well, hurry up.
(checks his meter)
The needle's going wild.
WINGER'S POV
A room service cart sails past along a perpendicular hallway and rolls out of sight. Then immediately behind it comes a reeking yellow haze. It is the vapor. It doesn't follow the cart but instead makes the turn at the end of the hall and hovers there, apparently looking at Winger.
WINGER
He's scared now.
WINGER
(into his head set)
It's here, Troy. It's looking at me.
BARNES
(on the radio)
Don't move. It won't hurt you.
WINGER
How do you know?
BARNES
I don't know. I'm just guessing.
Winger sees the vapor start down the hall toward him.
THE VAPOR
WINGER
(panicking)
Well, I think you guessed wrong. Here he comes!
It flies down the hall toward Winger.
INT. STAIRWELL - SAME TIME
Barnes runs downstairs taking them three at a time as Winger is heard screaming over the radio.
WINGER
(screaming)
Yeeaaaaaahh!
INT. THIRD FLOOR
Barnes comes running around the corner and sees Winger flat on his back, flailing his arms and legs frantically. Sickening, yellow-green ectofluid covers his head and chest.
WINGER
Aagghh - aaaggghh - uhh - uhh - It slimed me! It slimed me!
Suddenly Nadir's voice crackles over the communicator.
NADIR (V.O.)
Troy! It's here! It just went into the cafeteria!
Barnes helps Winger to his feet and they rush off.
INT. CAFETERIA - NIGHT
The Ghostbusters enter the cafeteria.
BARNES
Visors down. Full stream.
They flip down their visors and scan the room.
BARNES
He peruses the room but sees nothing. He looks up and scans the ceiling. A form flits behind a carved beam.
BARNES
There! On the ceiling!
(the others look)
Come on down here, you slug!
Barnes drops to one knee and fires at the vapor.
THE CEILING
The vapor dodges as the beam blasts a sizable chunk of plaster out of the ceiling and destroys half the fluorescent lights abovehead.
WINGER
He fires at it, too, wasting the rest of the lights, but the vapor dodges away.
They are both ready to start blazing away again when Nadir stops them.
NADIR
(urgently)
Wait! Wait! There's something I forgot to tell you.
WINGER
What?
NADIR
(emphatic)
Don't cross the streams.
WINGER
Why not?
NADIR
Trust me. It will be bad.
WINGER
What do you mean "bad?"
NADIR
It's hard to explain, but try to imagine all life as you know it
stopping instantaneously and finding yourself confined forever in
another dimension.
Winger considers his own safety and decides to take charge.
WINGER
(with military authority)
That's it! I'm taking charge . You guys are dangerous.
They yield command to him.
WINGER (CONT'D)
Now nobody does anything unless I order you to, okay?
BARNES AND WINGER
They nod obediently and glance nervously at the vapor, still
hovering near the ceiling.
WINGER
Let's do it. This thing's not going to hang around all day
waiting for us. Troy, give me one stream wide right of it. I'll go wide left. Now!
BARNES AND WINGER
They trigger their throwers and two streams are emitted, shooting off to either side of the entity. The entity swirls but stays between the beams.
THE VAPOR
WINGER
(talking them through it)
Good… Good… Nice, and move with him… Easy. Steady. Wide… Hold.
It bobs and weaves, trying to slip past the visible lines of light, but Winger and Barnes manage to keep it boxed in.
WINGER
(speaking clearly)
Now, very slowly, Troy, let's tighten it up. You hold steady. I'm coming down.
They start closing the distance between their ion streams.
NADIR
(cautious)
Don't cross them! Watch it!
The vapor is trying to get around his streams, causing him to waver as Winger's stream gets closer and closer.
THE VAPOR
It slips past Barnes and races for the air vent.
WINGER
Nadir! A little help! Cut him off!
NADIR
He fires with such poor marksmanship that he comes only centimeters from crossing Winger's stream. Winger jerks away to avoid crossing Nadir's erratic bursts and maneuvers. Together they do extensive damage to the walls.
INT. CORRIDOR - SAME TIME
Vice Dean Laybourne and Murray look nervously at each other as they hear the sound of heavy property damage coming from the cafeteria.
INT. CAFETERIA - NIGHT
Barnes has the thing cornered to some extent.
BARNES
(to Winger) I'll nudge it out of the corner.
You cut off the left side.
Barnes moves closer to the wall and Winger counters to trap the vapor again.
WINGER
(encouragingly)
You got it! That's good. Easy now.
They manage to guide the vapor out into the center of the room, all the time closing the figurative box around it.
BARNES
It's working!
NADIR
Easy… Easy… I'm going to throw in my trap now.
Nadir jerks his leg up, triggering a release on his equipment belt. A cord and foot pedal fall to the floor. At the end of the cord there is a long, flat black metal box two feet long, four inches wide and two high. He kicks the box under the apparition and toes the foot pedal into position. The apparition blasts them with a flatulent gust. They recoil but hold the configuration.
BARNES
Easy… Easy… Open the trap now!!
Nadir stomps on the foot pedal and with a loud electronic snap, the long metal box on the floor sprays up a fixed multidimensional inverted pyramid of bright, beaded white light. Barnes and Winger herd the vapor to the top of the trap.
WINGER
Watch it… Watch it… Now!
Nadir stomps the foot pedal again. Suddenly there is a loud double electronic snap and a blinding flash of pink light. Wisps of brown smoke and carbonized particles rise to the ceiling in a large residual puff. The Ghostbusters stand there for a long moment not quite sure the battle is over.
NADIR
He cautiously approaches the trap and looks at the valence indicator on it.
NADIR
(confirms it)
He's in here.
BARNES AND WINGER
They whoop in triumph -- and considerable relief.
BARNES
(pulling off his slimy visor)
Well! That wasn't so bad, was it?
Winger looks askance at him.
WINGER
Are you kidding? That was like trying to push smoke into a bottle with a baseball bat. Now what do we do with it?
He looks at Barnes.
BARNES
He looks at Nadir.
NADIR
He shrugs.
WINGER (CONT'D)
(not pleased)
We'll have to work on that.
(to Barnes)
Grab that, would you, Troy?
They exit, leaving Barnes to deal with the trap.
INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
The elevator opens and the Ghostbusters emerge. Barnes holds the trap by its foot pedal. He dangles it away from his body as if it is something putrid. Vice Dean Laybourne approaches them.
LAYBOURNE
What happened? Did you see it? What is it?
Barnes removes his infra visor and wipes some slime off his face. He is beaming.
WINGER
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
Troy holds up the trap victoriously.
LAYBOURNE
What was it? Will there be any more of them?
BARNES
Sir, what you had there was what we refer to as a focused, non-terminal repeating phantasm
or a Class Five Full Roaming Vapor… A real nasty one, too.
Winger immediately starts writing a bill.
WINGER
That'll be…
He looks to Nadir, who discreetly holds up four fingers to signal as Winger talks.
WINGER (CONT’D)
–$4,000 for the entrapment plus…
He glances back to Nadir.
WINGER
$1,000 for proton recharge and storage.
LAYBOURNE
(shocked)
Five thousand dollars! I won't pay it. I had no idea it would be so much.
WINGER
Fine. We'll let it go again.
(calls out)
Troy! Bring it back.
Barnes turns to bring the trap back into the cafeteria.
LAYBOURNE
No! All right. Anything.
EXT. BORCHERT HALL DORMS - NIGHT
The Ghostbusters come through the revolving doors and see a real mob scene on the street. A large crowd has gathered around the Ectomobile and the police have put up a barricade to hold them back. Photographers are taking pictures of it and several reporters are there waiting for them. As the Ghostbusters cross to the vehicle, people in the crowd cheer and the reporters start firing questions at them.
REPORTER I
I'm with the Gazette Journal-Mirror. What happened in there?
REPORTER II
Did you really see a ghost?
REPORTER III
Is this some kind of a stunt?
BARNES
(holding up the trap: loudly to the crowd)
We got one!
REPORTER I
Can we see it?
BARNES
Uh ... I'm afraid not.
WINGER
This is not a sideshow! We're
serious scientists.
REPORTER IV
What proof do you have that what
you saw was real?
BARNES
Proof? Well, the manager of the Vice Dean just paid us five big ones to get something out of there. Is that real enough for you?
REPORTER II
Are you saying that ghosts really exist?
WINGER
(pitching)
Not only do they exist, they're all over the place! And that's why we're offering this vitally important service to people in the whole Mid-Western Greendale area. We're available twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. We have the tools and we have the talent. No job too small, no fee too big. We're ready for anything.
NADIR
He's confused by all the commotion and the barrage of questions from the press. STARBURNS keeps hissing at him from the crowd behind the police barricade.
STARBURNS
Mister! Hey, Mister! Come here! Mister.
He finally gets Abed’s attention and waves him over.
STARBURNS(CONT'D)
Hey, Mister! Can I see those guns?
NADIR
They're not guns. They're particle throwers.
STARBURNS
Yeah, yeah. I just want to see ‘em.
NADIR
I couldn't do that. You might hurt someone.
He turns away.
STARBURNS
Wait! Wait! Let me ask you something. If you like shot Superman with those guns, would he feel it or what?
NADIR
(with authority)
On Earth–no. But on Krypton we could slice him up like Oscar Mayer Bologna.
STARBURNS
Wow!
WINGER AND BARNES
They are in high spirits as they continue to field questions. A minicam is videotaping them.
PAVEL
(filming with minicam)
Sing the song from your commercial.
BARNES
(reluctant)
No, we have to get back and…
PAVEL
(wheedlinq)
Come on. It's free advertising.
WINGER
There's a thought. Hit it, Troy.
Barnes shrugs and starts singing the Ghostbusters song with embarrassed restraint.
BARNES
(singing)
If you're seein' things… runnin' through your head… Who can you call?...
Winger joins in with a harmony and they continue with more confidence.
BARNES & WINGER
(singing)
An invisible man sleepin' in your bed… who you gon' call?
Nadir joins them for the big finish with no perceivable sense of melody or rhythm.
ALL TOGETHER
(singing)
Ghostbusters ... Ghostbusters.
At the moment a flashbulb goes off freezing the Ghostbusters in a still-frame that becomes a front-page news photo.
FRONT PAGE
The Greendale Gazette Journal-Mirror carries the picture with a big headline reading: GHOSTBUSTERS?
The Ghostbusters' song really starts to cook with full production now as a MONTAGE begins.
TELETYPE MACHINES
A bank of whirring, clicking teleprinters spits reams of hard copy and wire service photos depicting the team at work.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Hello, America. This is Robin Vohlers reporting from Greendale, Colorado. Throughout my entire career as a journalist
I have never reported anything as exciting and incredible as the trapping of an actual supernatural entity
by a team of men based in this city who call themselves Ghostbusters.
INT. FIREHOUSE
The team hears the alarm buzzer. They leap from their beds and slide down the pole.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Now, most of us have never even heard of a floating, slime-like substance called ectoplasm,
but these gentlemen claim we will be seeing a lot more of it than ever before.
EXT. GREENDALE STADIUM - DAY
The Ectomobile is parked at home plate. The Ghostbusters enter the dugout as a concerned Groundskeeper looks on.
EXT. BILLBOARD - NIGHT
An electronic sign flashes the news: Ghostbusters Nab Phantom Bat Boy at Greendale Stadium.
FULL SCREEN VIDEO OF ROBIN VOHLERS
ROBIN VOHLERS
Good morning. Today the entire central Colorado area is alive with talk of hundreds of reported incidents
involving multiple sightings in what can only be described as extreme events of paranormal extraphehomenical proportions.
It seems everybody is willing to bring their old ghosts and skeletons out of the closet. Kim McFadden reports from Greendale.
EXT. IN FRONT OF FIREHALL
Minicam set up in street.
KIM MCFADDEN
Thank you, Roger. Everybody's heard ghost stories around the campfire.
Heck, my grandma used to spin yarns about a spectral locomotive that used to rocket past the farm where she grew up.
Now, as if some unseen authority had suddenly given permission, thousands of people here are talking about encounters they claim
to have had with ghosts.
Music and Teleclicker up.
EXT . GREENDALE - DAY
The Ectomobile pulls up to a Gothic apartment building in the City of Greendale. The Ghostbusters jump out and hurry into the lobby.
OFFICER CACKOWSKI
He notices that the Ectomobile is illegally parked and walks over to gawk at the odd vehicle.
THE ECTOMOBILE
As Officer Cackowski approaches, a set of double antennae on the roof are automatically activated. They rotate and tilt to point at the Policeman. The Policeman is a little unnerved by the antennae and starts to walk around the car, but the antennae follow him with unerring accuracy.
OFFICER CACKOWSKI
Eager to get away from the vehicle, he quickly writes a parking ticket and sticks it under the windshield wiper.
THE WINDSHIELD
As Officer Cackowski withdraws his hand, the ticket heats up, bursts into flame and burns up.
OFFICER CACKOWSKI
He stares at the ashes for a moment then slowly backs away from the car.
INT. ECTOMOBILE - NIGHT
Barnes is driving. Nadir and Winger are asleep. They all look completely exhausted.
THE JOE FRANKLIN SHOW - ON CAMERA
JOE FRANKLIN
Troy, every time I hear about your company, I can't help thinking about the old Bob Hope movie.
BARNES
Actually, Joe, the title of that film was "Ghostbreakers," and
Olsen and Johnson did one called "Ghost Catchers" and the Bowery
Boys did "Ghost Chasers," "Hold That Ghost," "Spooks Run Wild,"
"Spook Busters," and "Spook Chasers."
JOE FRANKLIN
Well, in any case, I guess there's one big question on everybody's
mind and you're certainly in a position to answer it for us: Have you seen Elvis and how is he?
INT. RADIO STUDIO
LARRY KING is doing his phone-in talk show.
LARRY KING
Our phone-in topic today: Ghosts and Ghostbusting.
The controversy builds as more sightings are reported and some maintain that these professional paranormal eliminators in Greendale,
Colorado are the cause of it all. Why did everything start just when these guys went into business?
EXT. LINCOLN CENTER - DAY
Larry King continues voice-over as members of the New York Philharmonic come out the stage door of Avery Fisher Hall.
LARRY KING (V.O.)
Should they be allowed to carry around unlicensed proton mass drivers? And what's wrong with ghosts anyway?
Call us… All our lines are open. Hello, Larry King.
Britta is walking with another man, a BAREFOOT HIPPIE, when she sees Winger sitting on the edge of the fountain in the center of the plaza. She asks the hippie to wait and crosses to Winger.
FEMALE CALLER (V.O.)
Hello, Larry? I think what Dr. Nadir said in his interview
with you last night was true. The world is in for a "psychic shock"
'Cause like my aunt reads coffee grounds and she… (fade out)
WINGER AND BRITTA
She is surprised and a little bit pleased to see him.
WINGER
Great rehearsal.
BRITTA
You heard it?
WINGER
You're the best one in your row.
BRITTA
(skeptical)
Most people can't hear me with the whole orchestra playing.
You're good.
WINGER
I don't have to take abuse from you. I have other people dying to give it to me.
BRITTA
I know. You're quite a celebrity these days. Are you here because you have info… about my case?
WINGER
(looks at the hippie, who appears to be getting impatient)
Who's the stiff?
BRITTA
The "stiff?" His name is Vaughn and he happens to be one of the finest musicians in the
world and a wonderful man.
WINGER
Is he dying or something?
They glance at Vaughn.
VAUGHN
He takes a hit of nasal spray in each nostril.
BRITTA AND WINGER
She looks at him trying to decide whether she likes him or not.
BRITTA
He is a very close friend. Do you have some explanation of what happened in my apartment?
WINGER
Yes, but I have to tell you in private at a fine restaurant.
BRITTA
Can't you tell me now?
WINGER
I'll cancel the reservation. I found the name "Zuul" in…
(reading)
The Roylance Guide to Secret Societies and Sects. I don't suppose you've read it.
BRITTA
You must have gotten the last copy.
WINGER
Well, the name Zuul refers to a demi-god worshipped around 6000 B.C. by the… What's that say?
BRITTA
Hittites, the Mesopotamians and the Sumerians. "Zuul was the Minion of Gozer."
WINGER
"Gozer" - he was very big in the Sumerian religion. One of their Gods.
BRITTA
What's he doing in my refrigerator?
WINGER
I'm checking on that. I think we should meet Thursday night at nine to talk about it.
BRITTA
I don't think so. I'm busy Thursday night.
WINGER
(persists)
You think I enjoy giving up my evenings to spend time with clients?
I'm making an exception because I respect you as an artist and as a dresser.
BRITTA
(laughs) All right. Since you put it that way.
WINGER
I'll pick you up at your place. I'll bring along the Roylance
Guide - we can read after we eat.
BRITTA
I’ve got to go now.
She walks toward Vaughn. Winger shouts after her.
WINGER
Remember. I'm the only one standing between you and a heavy Hittite.
Britta starts walking away.
WINGER(CONT'D)
(calls after her)
I'll pick you up at your place.
She waves goodbye and rejoins Vaughn.
VAUGHN AND BRITTA
VAUGHN
(jealous)
Who was that?
BRITTA
Oh, he's an old professor of mine.
VAUGHN
(doubtful)
Really?
BRITTA
Yes. He's smarter than he looks.
They walk off.
INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY
Annie is handling a steady barrage of phone calls, switching from one line to the other.
SHIRLEY BENNETT, a personable, yet impressive-looking black woman sits across from her filling out a job application.
ANNIE
(answering a call)
GHOSTBUSTERS -- please hold.
(switches)
Good afternoon, GHOSTBUSTERS
please hold.
(switches back)
Yes, can I help you, (pause)
Yes… yes. Is it just a mist or does it have arms and legs…?
Uh-huh… Well, the soonest we could possibly get to you would be a week from Friday… I'm sorry, but we're completely booked until
then… Uh-huh… Well, all I can suggest is that you stay out of your house until we can get to you. Thank you.
She hangs up.
BENNETT
Let me ask you something. The ad in the paper just said "Help Wanted." What's the job?
ANNIE
I really don't know, Mrs. Bennett. They just told me to take applications and ask you these questions.
(she reads from a questionnaire as if for the hundredth time)
Do you believe in U.F.O. 's, astral projection, mental telepathy~ ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography,
full-trance mediums, telekinetic movement, black and/or white magic, pyramidology, the theory
of Atlantis, the Loch Ness Monster, or in general in spooks, spectres, wraiths, geists and ghosts?
BENNETT
Not really. However, if there's a semi-regular paycheck in it I'll
believe anything you say.
EXT. FIREHALL - SAME TIME
A gaggle of autograph hounds are waiting on the street as Ecto One pulls in. The front of the building now bears a big neon sign with the Ghostbusters logo on it.
INT. GARAGE BAY - DAY
Winger and Barnes disembark. They carry a couple of traps apiece. Their jumpsuits are covered with smoldering ectoslime. The Ectomobile looks like it's been through a war.
BARNES
(exhausted)
Boy, that was a rough one.
WINGER
I can't take much more of this. The pace is killing me.
RECEPTION AREA - DAY
Winger enters with Barnes, crosses to Annie and drops a paid invoice on her desk.
WINGER
Here's the paper on the Brooklyn job. She paid with a Visa card.
ANNIE
(hands a sheaf of work orders to Barnes)
Here are tonight's calls.
BARNES
(shuffles through them)
Oh, no. Two more free-roaming repeaters.
Annie
And this is Shirley Bennett. She came about the job.
BARNES
Hi. Troy Barnes. Jeff Winger.
They shake hands.
ANNIE
(to Winger)
And someone from the EPA is here to see you.
WINGER
The EPA? What's he want?
ANNIE
I didn't ask him. All I know is that I haven't had a break in two weeks and you promised you'd hire more help.
WINGER
(surly)
Annie, I'm sure a woman with your qualifications would have no trouble finding a top flight job
in the housekeeping or food service industry.
ANNIE
Oh, really? Well, I've quit better jobs than this one, believe me.
He exits.
BARNES
He scans Shirley's resume, ignoring the flare-up between Annie and Winger. They start downstairs to the storage facility.
BARNES
Very impressive resume. Electronic countermeasures, Strategic Air Command… Black belt in Karate… Small arms expert…
Mrs. Bennett, as you may have heard, we locate ghosts and spirits, trap them with streams of concentrated quantum energy,
and remove them from people's homes, offices and places of worship.
SHIRLEY
Yeah, I heard that. Now tell me what you really do.
INT. THE OFFICE - SAME TIME
The walls are plastered with newspaper and magazine stories on Ghostbusters. CRAIG PELTON, Dean of Greendale Community College, is reading one of the articles when Winger walks in.
WINGER
Can I help you?
PELTON
(turns all business)
I'm Craig Pelton. I represent the Environmental Protection Agency, Third District.
WINGER
(not impressed)
Great! How's it going?
PELTON
Are you Jeffrey Winger?
WINGER
Yes, I'm Doctor Winger.
Peloton looks at Winger’s soiled jumpsuit.
PELTON
Exactly what are you a doctor of, Mr. Winger?
WINGER
I have Ph.D's in psychology and parapsychology.
PELTON
I see. And now you catch ghosts?
WINGER
You could say that.
PELTON
And how many ghosts have you caught, Mr. Winger?
WINGER
I'm not at liberty to say.
PELTON
And where do you put these ghosts once you catch them?
WINGER
In a storage facility.
PELTON
And would this storage facility be located on these premises?
WINGER
Yes, it would.
PELTON
And may I see this storage facility?
WINGER
No, you may not.
PELTON
And why not, Mr. Winger?
WINGER
Because you didn't say the magic word.
PELTON
(sighs)
And what is the magic word, Mr. Winger?
WINGER
The magic word is "please."
Pelton laughs nervously.
PELTON
May I please see the storage facility?
WINGER
Why do you want to see it?
PELTON
Well, because I'm curious. I want to know more about what you do here. Frankly, there have been a lot of wild stories in the media
and we want to assess any possible environmental impact from your operation. For instance, the storage of noxious,
possibly hazardous waste materials in your basement. Now either you show me what's down there or I come back with a court order.
WINGER
(he’s had it)
Go ahead! Get a court order. Then I'm gonna sue your ass off for wrongful prosecution.
PELTON
(exiting)
Have it your way, Mr. Winger.
WINGER
(shouts after him)
Hey! Make yourself useful! Go save a tree!
INT. FIREHALL BASEMENT - SAME TIME
Nadir is at the work bench repairing a damaged proton pack. The place is a mess with equipment, work orders, parts,catalogs and old lunches piled everywhere. Half the room has been sealed off from floor to ceiling with concrete blocks to form a storage facility for captured spirits. Winston is standing at a viewing slit staring into the storage facility.
BARNES
He inserts a trap into a metal-lined slot in the wall of the storage facility. Nadir crosses to a control console to assist him.
BARNES
(pushing buttons)
Set entry grid.
NADIR
Neutronize. System shut.
He pushes more buttons and the slot lights up. Several grating electronic snaps are heard, like the sound of bugs being fried on an outdoor insect light. Then Barnes withdraws the trap and tosses it into a bin marked: FOR RECHARGE.
NADIR (CONT'D)
I've got to sleep.
BARNES
I need two new purge valves. How's the grid around the storage facility holding up?
NADIR
I'm worried, Troy. It's getting crowded in there. And all my recent data points to something big on the bottom.
SHIRLEY
(concerned)
What do you mean "big?"
Nadir picks up a Hostess Twinkie from the workbench.
NADIR
Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the Greendale area.
According to this morning's PKE sample, the current level in the city would be a
Twinkie 35 feet long weighing approximately six hundred pounds.
SHIRLEY
That's a big Twinkie.
BARNES
We could be on the verge of a fourfold crossover… or worse.
If what we're seeing indicates a massive PKE surge, we could experience an actual rip.
Nadir nods gravely. Winger enters looking very concerned.
WINGER
Abed, how's the grid around the storage facility holding up?
BARNES
It's not good, Jeff.
SHIRLEY
Tell him about the Twinkie.
Winger lets that remark go and crosses to a TV monitor linked to a camera inside the storage facility.
THE MONITOR.
WINGER
(peering)
I can't look anymore. It's too depressing.
We zoom in on the monitor and get our first real look inside the storage facility. It is a bleak repository for souls of many species. Strange lights, mists and spectral shapes waft about aimlessly. Human-like figures lean against the walls in despairing convict poses. Others flit and hang on the ceiling. It is a sad and frightening limbo and a most unholy makeshift asylum.
EXT. GREENDALE SKYLINE - NIGHT
A mysterious cloud takes shape and hovers over Britta's apartment building. Then a strange glow starts to radiate from the temple-like structure on the roof.
EXT. THE TEMPLE - NIGHT
The moon shines through the odd cloud configuration, illuminating the ornate temple door with its two stone Terror Dogs posed rampant on either side of the portal.
TERROR DOG
Its hideous stone features are bathed in moonlight. The camera PANS down its grotesque body to one of its claws. Suddenly there is a hiss and an audible crack of disintegrating mortar as one of its stone talons comes to life. The stone figure opens its eyes, revealing glowing red pupils beneath the scaly lids.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Britta gets off the elevator and immediately hears loud music blasting from Chang's apartment as his party hits full swing. She tiptoes past his door but despite the loudness of the music, Chang somehow senses her presence and comes rushing out into the hall.
CHANG
Oh, Britta, it's you.
BRITTA
Hi, Chang.
CHANG
Hey, it's crazy in here. You're missing a classic party.
BRITTA
Well, actually Ben, I have a friend coming by.
CHANG
Great! Bring her, too. But you better hurry. I made nachos with non-fat cheese and they're almost gone. I'll make some more though.
BRITTA
(entering her apartment)
Fine, Chang. We'll stop in for a drink.
CHANG
I got the Twister game for later…
Britta closes the door leaving Chang alone in the hall, once again locked out of his own apartment.
CHANG (CONT'D)
(knocking on his door)
Hey. Lemme in ...
INT. BRITTA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
She enters and takes off her coat. She's wearing dance clothes and appears to be really tired. She sits down in an overstuffed chair and takes off her leg warmers. Then leans back and closes her eyes. It is very quiet. Something dreadful is about to happen. Then it happens. The phone rings so loudly it makes Britta jump. She picks it up.
BRITTA
Hello… Oh, hi Mom. Yes… yes. Everything's fine. No… nothing. Just that one time…
I am… I will… I won't… Mother! I'm all right. I told you. Everything's fine…! All right.
I'll talk to you tomorrow… I promise. 'Bye.
She hangs up the phone, leans her head back and closes her eyes again. We hold on her for a long beat.
INT. THE KITCHEN DOOR - NIGHT
An eerie light is seen coming through the cracks around the door.
BRITTA
She sits up in surprise and looks at the kitchen door.
BRITTA
Oh, shit!
She starts to get up but suddenly a pair of scaly, inhuman hands rip out of the chair cushion on either side of her and clutch her around the waist. She screams and tries to break their grip, but another pair of claws tears through the upholstery and grabs her around the chest and neck, pinning her to the chair.
THE CHAIR
As if drawn by a powerful force, the chair with Britta in it slides across the living room floor toward the kitchen door.
THE KITCHEN DOOR
The whole door is now pulsing.
BRITTA
She is horrified.
THE KITCHEN DOOR
It swings open, revealing a fiery chamber where the kitchen used to be. One of the Terror Dog creatures seen earlier in the fridge is standing there waiting for Britta with outstretched claws.
BRITTA
She screams as the chair propels her into the kitchen. Then the door swings shut behind her.
EXT. BRITTA'S ROOFTOP - NIGHT
A bright flash shoots out from the center of the pyramid, lighting up the roof of Britta's building.
ROOF TEMPLE
All is as before except that both stone Terror Dogs are ominously missing from the structure.
INT. CHANG'S APARTMENT - SAME TIME
Chang is playing host to his students, a general cross-section of nerds and losers. The music is much too loud and the guests are scattered about the living room in small groups making dull conversation.
CHANG
He is emptying ashtrays and cleaning them with Windex.
A TALL WOMAN approaches him.
TALL WOMAN
Ben, do you have any Excedrin or Extra Strength Tylenol?
CHANG
I have acetacylasilic acid but generic from Walgreens cause I can get 600 tables
for 35% less than the cost of 300 name brand. Is it a headache?
The woman moves away.
THE BUFFET TABLE
Two stiff men are helping themselves. One is about to bite into some lox when Chang joins them.
CHANG
That's Nova Scotia salmon. The real thing. It costs $24.95 a pound but really $12.48 a pound net after tax.
I'm writing this whole party off as a promotional expense. That's why I invited students instead of friends.
Try that Brie, it's dynamite at room temperature. Maybe I should turn the heat up a bit…
A SECOND WOMAN moves up to Chang.
WOMAN 2
C'mon Chang, maybe if we dance, other people will start.
They start to dance. The doorbell rings. Chang bolts for the door hoping it's Britta. It's another couple. Chang escorts them in and takes their coats.
CHANG
Everybody, this is Joey and Jenny Adams. Joey has a small carpet cleaning business in receivership,
but Jenny is drawing a salary from a deferred bonus from two years ago
and the house has $15,000 left at eight Percent.
He goes to the bedroom door with their coats and opens it.
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
On the bed, standing up on all four legs, is a bristling, panting, live Terror Dog. Too preoccupied to notice it, Chang reflexively tosses the coats onto the bed. They both land on the Terror Dog's head.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Chang comes out of the bedroom and closes the door. Then from within there issues forth a tremendous roar that freezes the guest.
CHANG
Okay. Who brought the dog?
BEDROOM DOOR
An instant later, the Terror Dog bursts right through the door. Wood chips and splinters shower the guests.
THE GUESTS
They drop their drinks and canapes as the Terror Dog lands in the center of the room, snarling hellishly.
It quickly scans the room, looking for Chang.
CHANG
He yelps and runs for the door.
TERROR DOG
He lunges after Chang, but Chang gets out just in time and slams the door behind him.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Chang tears off down the hall, bellowing. The Terror Dog bursts through the door, lands in the hall and runs after him. Chang ducks into the elevator.
EXT. BRITTA'S BUILDING - NIGHT
A DOORMAN stands at his post near the revolving door, Two elegantly dressed visitors wait as he phones to announce them to one of the building residents, Suddenly Chang comes running out of the door.
CHANG
Help! Help! There's a bear loose in my apartment!
He runs across the street and disappears in the park.
DOORMAN
(mutters)
How he's got animals up there.
The Doorman turns just in time to see the Terror Dog before it runs right over him and bounds across the street.
EXT. PARK
TWO BUMS stroll casually along discussing current events.
FIRST BUM
I think you're right about Central America but I completely disagree about the other thing.
A good heavyweight boxer could take a Karate guy every time.
Chang runs by them, almost knocking them over.
CHANG
(screaming)
Run! Run!
They turn to watch him go.
SECOND BUM
(shaking his head)
Rush, rush, rush.
They turn back just as the Terror Dog streaks past them in hot pursuit. They recoil in fear and watch as the creature sprints after Chang.
SECOND BUM (CONT'D)
That is one speedy mutt.
FIRST BUM
He's a big one. You don't want to mess with that particular breed.
SECOND BUM
Definitely some sort of fighting Spaniel, I think.
EXT. PARK - NIGHT
Chang runs for his life, afraid to look back. He races through a tunnel then sees the twinkling lights of L street and heads straight for it.
EXT. L STREET/THE RED DOOR - NIGHT
Chang comes tearing into the courtyard. Through the large picture windows he can see well-dressed people sitting in the dimly lit bar. He goes for a door into the establishment but finds it locked. Then he tries another door but it, too, is locked. Suddenly, he hears a low rumbling growl from the bushes. Desperate now, he starts pounding on the glass.
INT. L STREET/THE RED DOOR - SAME TIME
The patrons look up and see Chang pounding on the glass, screaming unintelligibly.
CHANG
(muffled)
Help! Help!
They ignore his pleas and return to their drinks.
EXT. COURTYARD - NIGHT
Chang's heart is pounding, his breath coming in compulsive gasps as he turns to face the relentless Terror Dog.
THE TERROR DOG
It stands there silhouetted in the dark . Then it starts advancing toward Chang, casting giant shadows on the walls.
CHANG
He is paralyzed with fear.
CHANG
(trembling)
Nice doggie. Nice.
THE TERROR DOG
It pounces with a tremendous roar.
INT. L STREET/THE RED DOOR - NIGHT
The roar echoes through the restaurant. There is the sound of a violent struggle, then all is quiet. Nobody notices.
AVA PLACE - LATER
Chang walks out of the park, walking stiffly with a glazed look in his eyes. He sees a horse and carriage parked at the curb. He goes right up to the horse and speaks to it, obviously possessed by the Terror Dog.
CHANG
(to the horse)
I am Vinz Clortho. Keymaster of Gozer, Volguus Zildrohar, Lord of the Sebouillia. Are you the Gatekeeper?
The COACHMAN sees Chang talking to his horse.
COACHMAN
Hey! He pulls the wagon. I make the deals. You wanna ride?
CHANG
(to Coachman)
Are you the Gatekeeper?
COACHMAN
No, I'm the Governor of Texas. Now get outta here.
Chang glares at the Coachman. His eyes begin to glow, magically.
CHANG
(to Coachman)
You will perish in flames, sub-creature! Gozer will destroy you and your kind!
(he whispers to the horse)
Wait for the sign. Then all prisoners will be released.
Chang lopes off across the street. The cars come screeching to a halt to avoid hitting him.
THE STREET
TWO POLICEMEN notice his strange behavior and follow him down the street.
EXT. BRITTA ' S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Winger enters dressed neatly in a suit, holding a bouquet of flowers for Britta. He sees two COPS talking to dishevelled party guests. He sidles up to one of the cops.
WINGER
What's going on?
OFFICER CACKOWSKI
Some moron brought a cougar to a party and it went berserk.
WINGER
Oh.
He goes to the elevators.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Winger walks past Chang's apartment and curiously notes the splintered door. Then he rings Britta's bell, waits, rings again and knocks.
WINGER
(calls out)
Britta?
The door opens and Britta is standing there, but she has changed radically from the woman we met earlier. Her hair is down, flowing loosely over her naked shoulders, her eyes are wide open, filled with a kind of love-slave longing, her lips are parted and wet and her clothes are seductively tattered. She stares at Winger.
WINGER (CONT'D)
Hi.
(he notes the change in her)
What happened to you? The cop downstairs said an animal got loose up here. What's the story? Are you all right?
She stares at him as if she hasn't heard a word he said.
BRITTA
Are you the Keymaster?
Winger realizes that something bizarre has happened.
WINGER
Not that I know of.
She starts to close the door but Winger slides past her into the apartment.
WINGER (CONT'D)
(worried now)
Hey, Britta. What is it? What happened?
BRITTA
I am Zuul. I am the Gatekeeper.
He looks around the apartment and notices the holes ripped in the chair. Then he sees the kitchen doorframe charred and blackened with soot.
WINGER
I think we better get out of here.
BRITTA
She crosses to the window and gazes at the sky as if waiting for something.
BRITTA
We must prepare for the coming of Gozer.
WINGER
(humoring her)
Okay, I'll help you. Should we make some dip or something?
BRITTA
He is the Destructor.
WINGER
Really? Can't wait to meet him.
(he has an idea)
As long as we're waiting for him, I'd really like to try something with you - in the bedroom.
He takes her hand and she yields. They enter the bedroom.
INT. BRITTA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
They enter and Winger steers her onto the bed.
BRITTA
(wantonly)
Do you want this body?
WINGER
(taking her pulse)
Well, I'll just use it for a while and get it right back to you.
BRITTA
Take me now.
He checks her pupil dilation with a penlight.
WINGER
Well, I make it a rule never to sleep with possessed people.
She pulls him down on top of her and kisses him with supernatural lust.
WINGER
(coming up for air)
Actually, it's more of a policy than a rule.
BRITTA
(stroking him)
I want you inside me.
WINGER
(reluctant)
I don't know. You've got two people in there already. It could get a little crowded.
(he gently pushes her back down on the bed)
I want you to close your eyes and relax.
(she complies)
Now I'm going to speak to Britta and I want Britta to answer.
BRITTA
I am Zuul. I am…
WINGER
Right ... You're the Gatekeeper. But I want Britta. Britta, speak to me…
BRITTA
(in a low, horrible unearthly voice)
There is no Britta. I am Zuul.
WINGER
(recoils)
Whoa!! Nice voice.
She starts to sit up, but he restrains her with a light touch on the shoulder.
WINGER(CONT'D)
(trying another approach)
All right - Zuul. Listen carefully.I don't know where you came from or why,
but I want you to get out of here and leave Britta alone. I'm going to count to ten
and when I'm finished, you better be gone. Okay? Here goes. One… Two… Three…
A shudder runs through Britta’s body, then she slowly starts to levitate, rising a full three feet off the bed.
WINGER (CONT'D)
(aghast)
Wow!
He stands up and circles around the bed looking for some sort of explanation. He passes his hands over her, then under her, looking for wires or a force field. Then he makes a few theatrical moves like a cheap magician.
EXT. PARKWAY - SAME NIGHT
Ecto One speeds northward, strobes lit.
INT. ECTOMOBILE - NIGHT
Shirley is at the wheel. Barnes pops open a beer and lights a smoke. They both look completely wasted. Barnes is looking over some blueprints.
SHIRLEY
Hey man. What is it you're so involved with there?
BARNES
Uh… Oh these are blueprints of the structural ironwork in Britta Perry's apartment building… And they're most unusual.
SHIRLEY
(changing the subject)
Are you a Christian, Troy?
BARNES
(examining documents)
Mrnrnhmrnm.
SHIRLEY
Me, too.
BARNES
(reacting to something in the blueprint)
Boy! Solid cores of shielded Selenium 325.
SHIRLEY
Do you believe in God?
BARNES
No. But I liked Jesus' style.
SHIRLEY
Me, too. Parts of the Bible are great.
BARNES
(hardly listening)
The whole roof cap was fabricated with a magnesium-tungsten alloy.
SHIRLEY
Troy, do you remember something in the Bible about a day when the
dead would rise up from their graves?
BARNES
(still absorbed by the blueprint)
And the seas would boil…
SHIRLEY
Right. And the sky would fall…
BARNES
Judgement Day…
SHIRLEY
Yeah, Judgement Day.
BARNES
Every ancient religion had its own myth about the end of the world.
SHIRLEY
Well, has it ever occurred to you that the reason you've been so busy lately
is because the dead have been rising from their graves?
They exchange a look of puzzlement and concern.
EXT. FORT GREENDALIA - NIGHT - SAME TIME
Ecto One pulls up to a pair of massive parapets and a hewn timber gate set in a thick redoubt on an escarpment high above the river. Two figures approach them from the shadows. As they draw closer, Troy and Shirley see their Stetson hats and uniforms.
PARK RANGER CLIGORIS
Evening. We've had a problem here for quite some time. I called
your outfit a couple of weeks ago.
SHIRLEY
Busy time of year.
PARK RANGER CLIGORIS
Nobody likes to talk about this sort of thing.
BARNES
You don't have to worry about that with us, sir.
SHIRLEY
Right. We'll believe anything.
INT. FORT GREENDALIA CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Shirley and Troy walk past a long line of cannon. Their visors are down. They wear the usual equipment.
BARNES
You check the armory. I'll go down to the officers' barracks.
They split up. Shriley takes a long, low passageway. Troy descends a set of stone stairs. They both leave frame. The sound of their separate footsteps fades O.S.
EXT. FIREHOUSE - NIGHT - SAME TIME
A police van pulls up, the garage door opens and Nadir comes out of the building. He meets a POLICE SERGEANT. They walk around to the back door of the van.
SERGEANT
We picked up this guy and now we don't know what to do with him. Bellevue doesn't want him and I'm afraid to put him in the lockup.
I'm telling you, there's something weird about him. And I know you guys are into this stuff so we figured we'd check with you.
The Sergeant unlocks the door and pulls it open.
INT. THE POLICE VAN - NIGHT
Chang is on the floor wearing a straitjacket. He is tied to the bench with leather restraint straps and ankle cuffs.
CHANG
(forlorn)
Are you the Gatekeeper?
Nadir notes the strange glow in Chang's eyes.
NADIR
Bring him inside, Officer.
INT. BASEMENT - LATER
Chang is hooked up to a variety of strange contraptions including something on his head that looks like an aluminum mixing bowl wired with hundreds of electrodes. Nadir monitors Chang’s reactions as he questions him. Annie watches.
CHANG
I am Vinz Clortho - Keymaster of Gozer.
NADIR
(reacts to the name Gozer)
I am Abed Nadir, Creature of Earth, Doctor of Physics, Graduate of M.I.T.
ANNIE
(looking through Chang’s wallet)
According to this his name is Benjamin Franklin Chang.
CHANG
Chang is the fleshbag I'm using. I must wait inside for the sign.
ANNIE
Do you want some coffee while you're waiting?
CHANG
(to Nadir)
Do I?
NADIR
Yes, have some.
CHANG
(repeats)
Yes, have some.
Annie goes to the table and puts some water up to boil.
NADIR
Vinz, what sign are you waiting for?
CHANG
Gozer the Traveller will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldronaii the Traveller came as a very large and moving Torb.
Then of course in the third reconciliation of the last of the Meketrex supplicants they chose a new form for him, that of a Sloar.
Many Shubs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Sloar that day I can tell you.
Nadir stares at Chang for a moment then looks over at Annie.
ANNIE
She rolls her eyes at Nadir and mimes the traditional sign for lunacy by pointing to her temple and tracing a circle with her index finger.
Then the phone rings and Nadir answers it.
NADIR
Hello?
INT. BRITTA'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
Winger is lying on the bed with the phone. Britta is asleep next to him, still floating three feet in the air with a blanket over her.
WINGER
It's Jeff, Abed. I've got a problem.
INTERCUT NADIR AND BARNES
NADIR
What is it?
WINGER
I'm with Britta Perry and she's floating three feet off the bed.
NADIR
Does she want to be?
WINGER
I don't think so. It's more of that Gozer thing. She says she's the Gatekeeper.
Does that make any sense to you?
NADIR
Some. I just met the Keymaster. He's here with me now.
(there's a long silence on the other end)
Winger? Are you there?
WINGER
Yeah, yeah. I was just thinking. It probably wouldn't be a good idea for them to get together at this point.
NADIR
I agree.
WINGER
You have to keep him there. Do whatever you have to, but don't
let him leave. He could be very dangerous.
He looks nervously at Chang.
CHANG
He pours some instant coffee crystals into his mouth and chews them up, then he drinks a beaker of boiling water that's been heating over a Bunsen Burner.
NADIR
(into the phone)
All right. I'll try.
WINGER
I'll spend the night here and get back first thing in the morning.
NADIR
All right, Jeff. Good night.
They hang up.
ANNIE
She crosses to Nadir.
ANNIE
(worried)
Abed, there's something very strange about that man.
(she indicates Chang)
I'm very psychic usually and right now I have this terrible feeling that something awful
is going to happen to you. I'm afraid you're going to die.
NADIR
Die in what sense?
ANNIE
In the physical sense.
NADIR
I don't care. I see us as tiny parts of a vast organism, like two bacteria living on a rotting speck of dust floating in an infinite void.
ANNIE
That's so romantic.
She hugs him. Nadir responds awkwardly, not sure where to put his hands.
NADIR
(nervous)
You have nice clavicles.
(he gulps)
I wonder where Barnes is, I think we're going to need him.
INT. FORT GREENDALIA - SINGLE OFFICERS' QUARTERS - NIGHT
Barnes is in a painstakingly restored period room with a four poster bed, writing table and wardrobe hung with uniforms. His own jumpsuit and backpack lie in a heap beside the bed. He fingers an officer's uniform then tries it on. He steps to a full-length mirror and models it, striking a few heroic poses. He shrugs, sits on the bed, bouncing the mattress and squeezing it. He then lies down full length and tests it, hands behind his head.
BARNES
He yawns. His eyes droop, blink and finally close. His head lolls sideways, his mouth drops open slightly and he drops off to sleep, exhausted.
INT. WARDROBE - NIGHT
A uniform sleeve moves slightly. A sabre in its sheath begins to tap lightly against the open doorsash. A phosphorescent light streaks out in between gaps in the clothing, casting patterns over the room.
BARNES' PACK AND WANDS
A panel light winks on. The needle on his PKE meter jumps into the red.
BARNES
He rolls over. From inside the wardrobe a shimmering pink mist rises up and begins to take form on the ceiling.
MIST
The vaguest remnants of a human form take shape. It hovers and shifts as if appraising Troy.
BARNES
He tosses and rolls onto his back, still deeply asleep.
BED CANOPY
The mist slithers in through the curtains and takes a position above him. It begins to descend slowly.
BARNES
The mist widens and elongates and sprawls in suspension over his body. He wakes. The apparition is inches above his face. He gasps but can't move, totally transfixed with fear.
BARNES' POV
He is face-to-face with a lost soul. It is a beautiful feminine face. It presses in closer. He sucks in his breath. Is he being smothered? The gaunt figure then slides slowly
away from his face and down to a spot below his waist.
BARNES
He props himself up on his elbows and looks down. Suddenly the apparition vanishes. Then his belt comes undone as if pulled by an invisible hand and his zipper slowly opens.
CLOSE-UP - BARNES' FACE
His look changes from fear to confusion to pleasure. He closes his eyes and submits.
INT. BARRACKS CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Shirley is smoking a cigarette, ambling down the barracks corridor. She hears voices and walks to the door of the Barracks.
SHIRLEY
Troy? You okay in there?
BARNES
(from inside)
LATER, MAN!!
Shirley shrugs and slinks out.
EXT. FIREHALL - MORNING
Two cars pull up out front, a Colorado State Trooper and a lime green K-car with U.S. Government plates. They are followed by a Con-Edison utilities van and a County
Sheriff's car. Dean Pelton gets out of the government car. Two COPS step out and flank him. A POLICE CAPTAIN joins them and they all enter the firehall.
INT. FIREHALL - RECEPTION AREA
Annie is at her desk when the law enters and walks right past her.
PELTON
(heading for the basement)
This way, Captain.
ANNIE
(rushes over to block their way)
I beg your pardon! Just where do you think you're going?
PELTON
Step aside, Miss, or I'll have you arrested for interfering with a police officer.
ANNIE
(not moving)
Who do you think you're talking to, Mister? Do I look like a child?
You can't come in here without some kind of warrant or writ or something.
Pelton hands her the court orders.
PELTON
(naming them)
Cease and desist all commerce order, seizure of premises and
chattels, ban on the use of public utilities for nonlicensed waste handlers and a Federal Entry and Inspection Order.
ANNIE
(steps aside)
This is just like Poland.
Pelton brushes past her and leads his cohorts toward the basement.
INT. BASEMENT - LATER
Nadir is arguing with Pelton. Chang is sitting quietly in
the corner, watching the argument with interest.
PELTON
(high-handed)
I want to see what's in there . Now either you shut off those "beams" or we'll shut them off for you.
NADIR
(calmly)
You can see what's inside through the monitor if you wish.
He switches it on.
PELTON
(ignores it)
I'm not interested in TV right now.
EXT. FIREHALL
Winger arrives in a taxi, sees the police cars parked outside and dashes in.
INT. BASEMENT
The argument is still going on when Winger enters and asserts himself.
WINGER
(to Policemen)
At ease, Officers. I'm Jeff Winger. I think there's been some kind of
misunderstanding here and I want to cooperate in every way I can.
PELTON
(turns on him immediately)
Forget it, Winger. You had your chance to cooperate but you thought it was more fun to insult me.
Now it's my turn, smart-ass.
NADIR
(excited)
He wants to shut down the storage grid.
WINGER
If you turn that thing off we won't be responsible for the consequences.
PELTON
On the contrary! You will be held completely responsible.
(to the Con-Ed Man)
Turn it off.
DENNIS, the Con-Ed man steps to the control panel and looks at the switches, meters and chasing lights.
WINGER
(to DENNIS)
Don't do it1 I'm warning you.
DENNIS
He looks nervously at the Police Captain.
DENNIS
I've never seen anything like this before. I don't know…
PELTON
(enraged)
Just do it, fella. Nobody asked for your opinion.
The Con-Ed Man reaches for a switch but Winger grabs him from behind.
WINGER
(to Pelton)
Don't be a jerk!
The Cops grab Winger and drag him off the Con-Ed Man.
PELTON
If he tries that again, shoot him.
The Captain looks at Pelton with contempt.
CAPTAIN
(to Pelton)
You do your job, pencil-neck.
Don't tell us how to do ours.
WINGER
Thank you, Officer.
PELTON
(to Con-Ed Man)
Now turn it off.
The Cops slacken their hold on Winger. He looks at Nadir, worried.
NADIR
He mimes an explosion with his hands.
WINGER
He nods and backs towards the door. Nadir gets the same thought.
CHANG
He sees Nadir backing away and starts to do the same.
CONTROL PANEL
The Con-Ed Man turns all the switches to the OFF position. The panel lights go out.
POWER METER
The needle indicator drops to zero.
PELTON
He feels the floor start to shake.
WINGER, NADIR, AND CHANG
They run like crazy for the stairs. Abed grabs Annie on the way out.
THE STORAGE FACILITY
A strange light starts to leak through the cracks between the concrete blocks. Suddenly one of the blocks is blown across the room.
EXT. THE FIREHALL
Everyone comes running out as the storage facility explodes. A powerful geyser of iridescent energy shoots out the top of the building like a phenomenal Roman Candle reaching a hundred feet in the air.
INT. BRITTA’S BEDROOM - THAT INSTANT
As the explosion rumbles in the distance, Britta’s eyes pop open as if cued by the blast.
EXT. FIREHOUSE - SAME TIME
Winger, Nadir, and the others are dodging and ducking a shower of debris.
CHANG
He stands there oblivious to the danger, looking up at the glowing geyser of energy. Annie is beside him.
CHANG
It is time. This is the sign.
ANNIE
It's a sign, all right… "Going Out Of Business."
Chang walks off down the street as if in the grip of some powerful psychic compulsion. The others are too busy to notice his departure.
EXT. GREENDALE CAMPUS
A wide shot of the GCC Quad shows the glistening geyser spurting high into the air. The iridescent cloud generated by the geyser starts moving across Greendale toward Britta’s building. Sirens are screaming all over town as police cars, fire trucks and emergency vehicles race to the scene.
EXT. FIREHALL - LATER
Firetrucks, police cars, Con-Ed trucks and a general mob are assembled, watching the roof of the building which is spurting a translucent blue substance. It looks like a massive natural gas flame. Bits of ecto material rain down on the on-lookers.
NADIR
Flanked by police, he tries to answer questions from fire department officials and a hazardous chemical EXPERT in a bulky decontamination suit.
GUY IN SUIT
…does it contain TCE, PCB or tailings from styrene esters or
any polyfluoric groups…?
FIRE CAPTAIN
What are the pink particles? What will happen if we use water?
Nadir just shakes his head.
NADIR
No ... no water. There's nothing you can do.
FIRE CAPTAIN
Did you have any kind of solvents or any concentrated sulphurs of any kind?
Ecto One pulls up . Shirley and Barnes jump out. Barnes finds Winger and Nadir.
BARNES
What happened??!!!?
NADIR
The storage facility blew. This one…
{indicates Pelton) …shut off the protection grid.
WINGER
Suddenly remembers another problem.
WINGER
(to Nadir) Where 's the Keymaster?
NADIR
(looks for Chang) Oh, shit!
BARNES
(at a loss) Who's the Keymaster?
Nadir looks at Winger. They both tear off to find Chang but Pelton intervenes.
PELTON
(to a Cop)
Stop them! I want them arrested, Captain. These men have been acting in criminal violation
of the Environmental Protection Act and this explosion was a direct result.
The Police Captain restrains Winger from leaving.
WINGER
(shouts at Pelton)
You turned off the power! (to Captain)
Look, there was another man here… You have to find him and bring him
back. A short determined-looking guy with the eyes of a happy zombie.
PELTON
(to the Cop)
See! They are using drugs.
Nadir turns on Pelton with uncharacteristic fury.
NADIR
If you don't shut up I'm going to rip out your septum.
Peloton backs off.
POLICE CAPTAIN
(exasperated)
I don't know what's going on here but I 'm going to have to arrest
you all. You can discuss it with the judge. I'm going to read you your rights now, so please listen carefully…
EXT. GREENDALE GYMNASIUM
Chang walks briskly and purposefully, gazing at the symmetrical lights in the sky.
GYMNASIUM ENTRANCE
As Chang walks by, a huge crowd of people ascends the stairs of the gymnasium. The last of them disappears into the building. Then echoing screams are heard and the whole crowd comes charging back out and down the stairs, pursued by a strange apparition.
INT. BRITTA'S APARTMENT
She is standing at the open bedroom window gazing down into the streets below.
EXT. BORCHERT HALL DORMS - SAME TIME
A HOT DOG VENDOR is dispensing pretzels and hot dogs from his pushcart.
THE VENDOR
He opens the top of the bin and reaches in to get a bun. He feels around inside, knowing the cart should be loaded with food. Then he peers inside and yanks his arm out with a shout. He falls back in fear.
THE CART
The gluttonous, Onion-Headed Vapor rises out of the pushcart, stuffed with hot dogs, buns and pretzels. It belches loudly at the gaping spectators, then flits down the street with the pushcart following under its own power.
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - SAME TIME
A well-dressed BUSINESSMAN comes rushing out and jumps into a cab parked at the curb.
INT. THE BACK SEAT
The Businessman leans close to the safety partition and shouts his destination.
BUSINESSMAN
Honda Headquarters! And I'm in a hurry so let's not dawdle.
THE FRONT SEAT
Through the windshield we see that the driver is a badly decomposed corpse in a leather jacket and snap-brim cap.
BUSINESSMAN
Through the partition he sees a skeletal hand reach out and start the meter.
EXT. THE STREET
The cab peels away from the curb at tremendous speed and turns the wrong way up a one-way street.
INT. GREENDALE COMMUNITY COLLEGE - SAME TIME
The library. Young men and women are working at computer terminals in the dated, yet somehow modern space.
PROFESSOR SLATER bends over at the file cabinets and something gooses her. She looks around, miffed, but sees no one. She goes back to her desk. Her skirt hikes up suddenly. She yanks it back down. Then she feels a strange,not unpleasant tickling under her. She squirms. Her skirt goes up again. The tickling gets unbearable, forcing her to stand. She walks briskly between the rows of desks, trying to get to the ladies room, fighting to keep her skirt down. Students begin to notice and laugh.
All the women begin to scream and squirm as the invisible molester runs wild around the library.
STUDY ROOM F
FRANKIE DART stands up to look out and her blouse pops open.
EXT. GREENDALE COURTYARD - SAME TIME
Chang enters the quiet courtyard.
A gang of MUGGERS is smoking something in a weird pipelike device. One of them sees the approaching silhouette of Chang and hisses to his cohorts. The others all look and slowly begin to fan out across the width of the sidewalk.
CHANG
He is staring straight ahead and entirely focused on his destination as the muggers approach and confront him. He stops. They are deliberately blocking his path.
MUGGER
(to Chang)
Okay ... give me.
CHANG
Chang blinks stupidly.
CHANG
Are you the Gatekeeper?
MUGGER
Come on. You want me to stick you? Come on.
CHANG
I am Vinz Clortho. I am the Keymaster. Do you bar my way?
MUGGER #2
Are you crazy, man? You don't give, Mike Chilada's gonna rip you, man.
Nobody gets by Chilada.
CHANG
(repeats)
Do you bar my way?
MUGGER
Yeah. We bar your way.
His eyes widen, he inhales deeply, then opens his mouth and roars. Iridescent lights pour out of his mouth.
THE MUGGERS
They scream and run, horrified and disgusted by Chang’s unearthly display.
EXT. STREET
The cab driven by the corpse weaves through traffic at breakneck speed. Cars are forced up on the curb. Pedestrians run for safety.
INT. THE BACK SEAT
The Businessman is reading the Newspaper, oblivious to the whole situation.
EXT. GREENDALE THEATER - DAY
A worn, graffiti-spattered S1.99 triple bill movie house. The bill reads: ALL NIGHT ALL DAY HORROR SHOW IN 3-D
INT. THEATER
The house is packed with hooting, jeering, beer-drinking potsmoking Greendale students, all wearing cardboard 3-D glasses. They are wildly razzing and throwing things at the screen on which is running a bad sixties British horror indie pie. The film breaks. The sound crackles off and the lights come on. There is a storm of protest and abuse hurled at the projectionist. Then from all around them there starts a thin whistling whine. It builds above the shouts and jeers in the theater until everyone stops to hear what it is. It is like no other sound ever heard - a piercing, all-permeating shrill whistle like the fan blades of some massive unseen turbine beginning to rotate.
The lights in the theater flicker. The musty ancient curtains on either side of the screen are picked up in an unseen wind which lifts them, spreading dust and ripped old fabric about the house. There are shouts and sounds and noises from deep beyond the recesses of the backstage. The curtains are now flying in a serious wind. All the lights in the theater go out except that from the projection booth. From a point in the center of the screen, a searing bolt of phosphorescent light rips back along the projection beam into the booth.
The beam evolves into an etheric strand of unified glistening particles. The wind dies down. People in the house are hushed. They gaze transfixed as a procession of phantasms emerge in single file through the illuminated screen. As if suspended on a clothesline, they weave and bounce along the length of the pulsating beam, and pass through the hole in the projection booth. The apparition is gone. All is quiet. Then the audience bursts into wildly enthusiastic applause.
INT. GREENDALE COUNTY JAIL
Shirley is staring out through the bars talking to herself.
SHIRLEY
(depressed)
We're gonna get five years for this. Plus they're gonna make us retrap all those ghosts.
I knew I shouldn't have taken this job.
He bangs on the bars and crosses to Winger, Barnes and Nadir who are huddled together looking at blueprints of Britta’s building.
BARNES
(intense)
Look at the structure of the roof cap. It looks exactly like the kind
of telemetry tracker NASA uses to identify dead pulsars in other galaxies.
NADIR
And look at this, Jeff
(indicates another diagram)
Cold-riveted girders with selenium cores.
Winger leans in to look but suddenly notices that they have an audience.
THE CELL
The Ghostbusters are surrounded by a motley assortment of jailmates, all listening intently to their discussion.
WINGER
(to the group)
Everybody with us so far?
The other prisoners mutter and scratch their heads, then drift off.
BARNES
(back to his point)
The ironwork extends down through fifty feet of bedrock and touches the water table!
He looks at Winger who doesn't see the significance.
WINGER
(shrugs)
I guess they don't build them like they used to, huh?
BARNES
No! Nobody ever built them like this! The architect was either an authentic whacko or a certified genius.
The whole building is like a huge antenna for pulling in and concentrating psychokinetic energy.
WINGER
Who was the architect?
BARNES
He's listed on the blueprints as I. Shandor.
NADIR
(exclaims)
Of course!
(the others turn and look at him)
NADIR
Ivo Shandor. I saw his name in Tobin's SPIRIT GUIDE. He
started a secret society in 1920.
WINGER
(putting it all together)
Let me guess -- Gozer Worshippers.
NADIR
Yes. After the First World War Shandor decided that society was too sick to survive. And he wasn't alone.
He had close to a thousand followers when he died. They conducted rituals, bizarre rituals,
intended to bring about the end of the world.
WINGER
(now very worried about Britta)
She said he was "the Destructor."
NADIR
Who?
WINGER
Gozer.
NADIR
(confused)
You talked to Gozer?
WINGER
Get a grip on yourself, Abed. I talked to Britta Perry and she referred to Gozer as the Destructor.
BARNES
(proud)
See? I told you something big was about to happen.
Shirley has heard enough.
SHIRLEY
This is insane! You actually believe that some moldy Babylonian God is going to
drop into Greendale and start tearing up the city?
NADIR
(corrects her)
Sumerian -- not Babylonian.
Shirley just shakes her head. Then a uniformed GUARD appears with a high-ranking POLICE OFFICIAL and unlocks the cell door.
They exit.
POLICE OFFICIAL
Are you the Ghostbusters?
WINGER
What about it?
POLICE OFFICIAL
The mayor wants to see you right away. The whole city is going crazy. Let's go.
EXT. CITY HALL
The official cars arrive and the Ghostbusters are hustled past a mob of reporters, all shouting questions at once.
REPORTERS
Are you under arrest?
Did you have a bomb factory in the basement?
What are you going to do about all these ghosts?
INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE
Secretaries and aides scurry about in a chaos of telephones and waiting city officials. As the Ghostbusters are led through the outer offices, everyone stops what they're doing to stare at them.
INT. OFFICE OF THE MAYOR OF GREENDALE
The Ghostbusters enter and see a very concerned group of leaders arguing like crazy. The Police and Fire Commissioners, State Police Commandants, the Regional Director of the Environmental Protection Agency, the Governor of the State of Colorado, and various other high-ranking officials.
THE AIDE
(entering with the Ghostbusters)
The Ghostbusters are here, Mr. Mayor.
At once, the group turns and instantly regains perfect decorum.
THE MAYOR
He is a likeable Democrat and a man of the people - particularly the Irish, Italian and Jewish people.
MAYOR
(looking them over)
Okay, the Ghostbusters. And who's Pelton?
Pelton shoulders his way forward.
PELTON
(adrenalin pumping)
I'm Craig Pelton, sir. And I'm prepared to make a full report.
(holds up dossier)
These men are complete snowball artists. They use nerve andsense gases to induce hallucinations.
The people think they're seeing ghosts and call these bozos, who conveniently show up to get
rid of the problem with a fake electronic light show.
MAYOR
(to Winger)
You using nerve gas?
WINGER
The man is a psychopath, Your Honor.
PELTON
Probably a mixture of gases, no doubt stolen from the Army…
BARNES
Bullshit!!!
PELTON
…improperly stored and touched off with those high-voltage laser
beams they use in their light show. They caused an explosion.
The Mayor looks for help from the assembled leaders.
FIRE COMMISSIONER
All I know is, that wasn't a light show we saw this morning. I've
seen every form of combustion known to man, but this beats me.
POLICE COMMISSIONER
And nobody's using nerve gas onall the people that have seen those… things…
all over the city. The walls were bleeding at The Red Door. How do you explain that?
He looks to the Archbishop. Everybody focuses on the ornately attired Prelate.
ARCHBISHOP
Officially, the Church will not take a position on the religious implications of these… phenomena.
However, since they started, people have been lining up at every church in the city to confess and take communion.
We've had to put on extra priests. Personally, I think it's a sign from God but don't quote me on that.
MAYOR
(shaking his head)
I can't call a press conference and tell everyone to start praying.
SHIRLEY
She steps forward.
THE MAYOR
SHIRLEY
I'm Shirley Bennett, Your Honor. I've only been with the
company for a couple of weeks, but I gotta tell you -- these
things are real. Since I joined these men I have seen shit that would turn you white.
She rubs her eyes wearily.
WINGER
MAYOR
(to Winger)
So what do I do now?
He seizes the moment.
WINGER
Mr. Mayor, it's a pretty simple choice. You can believe Mr.
Pecker here…
PELTON
(snaps)
That's "Pelton!"
WINGER
(ignores him)
…or you can accept the fact that this city is heading for a disaster of really Biblical proportions.
MAYOR
What do you mean "Biblical?"
WINGER
Old Testament, Mr. Mayor. “Wrath of God"-type stuff. The
seas could boil, fire and brimstone falling from the sky…
BARNES
(chimes in)
…forty years of darkness, earthquakes, mass hysteria, human sacrifice…
MAYOR
Enough! I get the point. (really torn) But what if you're wrong?
WINGER
If I'm wrong then nothing happens and you toss us in the can.
But if I'm right, and if we can stop this thing… well, let's just say
that you could save the lives of a lot of registered voters.
The Mayor starts nodding affirmatively, clearly convinced by Winger's rational assessment.
PELTON
(furious)
I don't believe you're seriously considering listening to these people!
The Mayor takes a long look at Pelton.
MAYOR
Get him out of here.
(Pelton looks stricken)
We've got work to do. What do you need from me?
EXT. BRITTA'S APARTMENT BUILDING - SAME TIME
Chang arrives in front of the building and looks up. Strange lights are beginning to flash from the windows. He enters the building and a moment later a huge tremor shakes the structure.
INT. BRITTA'S FLOOR
The elevator doors open and Chang gets out. A crowd of tenants rushes onto the elevator clutching their most prized possessions. He gets through the panicked tenants and walks down the hall.
MRS.BAUER, a neighbor, comes out of her apartment carrying an armload of small appliances.
MRS. BAUER
Ben! What are you doing standing there… get out of the Building…
don't you know it's an earthquake or something?
CHANG
The Traveller is coming.
MRS. BAUER
Don't be crazy. Nobody is going to come and visit you with all this commotion going on.
She rushes off leaving Chang alone in the hall. He goes to Britta's door, and mechanically knocks three times. His knocking echoes thunderously throughout the building.
THE DOOR
It opens and Chang sees Britta standing there. A tremendous thunderclap rattle the building.
CHANG
(his eyes light up)
Are you the Gatekeeper?
BRITTA
(nods)
I am Zuul.
Hearing that, Chang grabs Britta with a passion that's been building in his unconscious for 8000 years. He kisses her with savage lust and pulls her to the floor out of frame as an explosive force blows through the apartment.
INT. CITY HALL CORRIDOR
Winger, Barnes and the Mayor walk briskly toward the vehicle dock at the back of the building. Aides scurry along behind them, awaiting instructions.
MAYOR
I don't understand it. Why here? Why now?
WINGER
What goes around, comes around, Mr. Mayor. The big Lazy Susan
of Karma just keeps turning and sometimes we get the short end of the stick.
BARNES
This may be Nature's way of telling us to slow down. You have to admit it's kind of humbling, isn't it?
MAYOR
(shouts after them)
We're humble already! Hasn't this city suffered enough?
They come out onto the loading dock.
EXT. LOADING DOCK
The Ectomobile is parked there. Shirley and Nadir are charging all the packs off the building current. There's a lot of police activity around them as orders are dispatched.
A POLICE CAPTAIN reports to Winger.
CAPTAIN
We've cleared the whole building and cordonned off the street. I'm massing our own special tactics squad and the National Guard is on standby.
AIDE
I better alert the Red Cross, too.
NADIR
He looks up and sees Annie standing on the dock. She crosses to him.
ANNIE
(a little teary)
I want you to have this.
(she hands him a coin)
NADIR
What is it?
ANNIE
It's a souvenir from the 1964 World's Fair at Flushing Meadow. It's my lucky coin.
They hug.
NADIR
I don't believe in luck.
ANNIE
Keep it anyway. I have another one at home.
NADIR
Thank you.
THE ECTOMOBILE
Barnes, Winger and Shirley get in. Nadir rushes over and joins them.
INT. ECTOMOBILE
Winger turns around and looks at his friends.
WINGER
Okay. Just remember, whatever happens out there, we are total professionals.
Not only are we the best Ghostbusters around, we're the only Ghostbusters around. It's up to us.
They all shake hands. Then Winger sticks his hand out the window and signals like a cavalry officer.
WINGER ( CONT’D)
(shouts)
Move 'em out!
EXT. REAR OF CITY HALL
A pair of police motorcycles comes roaring up the driveway, followed by the Ectomobile and two police cruisers. The motorcade turns up the street and heads uptown at high speed. They pass a column of National Guard trucks.
EXT. BRITTA'S APARTMENT BUILDING
The street has been blocked off with police barricades but a huge crowd has gathered nonetheless to watch the strange lights and flashes emanating from the upper floors of the building.
THE CROWD
The news media are out in front filming and taping everything.
A contingent of Doomsday freaks is gathered with signs pro-claiming "REPENT FOR THE END IS AT HAND!"
A few Catholic priests are kneeling, performing rites of exorcism.
A gang of punks is hanging around hoping for a disaster.
A handful of Hassidic Jews behind them are wailing in earnest.
The police work to restrain the crowd.
THE STREET
The screaming of sirens turns the attention of the crowd as the motorcade arrives. As the Ectomobile rounds the corner a huge cheer goes up from the crowd.
THE CROWD
The punks cheer. The Hassidic Jews wave their black hats and start dancing for joy.
THE ECTOMOBILE
It pulls up in front of the building. The doors fly open and the Ghostbusters all jump out at once. The crowd roars.
THE PRIESTS
They leap to their feet and give each other "high fives."
WINGER
He raises both fists like a victorious boxer.
WINGER
(shouts to the crowd)
Ghostbusters!
The crowd thunders its approval.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They quickly finish suiting up at the rear of the Ectomobile.
WINGER
(keyed up)
Are we all together on this now?
SHIRLEY
(in earnest)
I think we should get on a plane right now and go to Australia or Indonesia until this blows over.
WINGER
I'm going to make a note of your suggestion and possibly bring it up later if this
thing really gets out of hand. Now let's move.
They start heading for the lobby entrance to the building.
VOICE IN CROWD (MAN)
Get 'em!
VOICE IN CROWD (GIRL)
All right, Ghostbusters!
The crowd applauds as the Ghostbusters approach the entrance.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They stop in front of the building and look up at the roof.
THEIR POV
A blinding flash of light shoots from the rooftop temple.
THE BUILDING ENTRANCE
The whole building seems to groan as if under enormous pressure. Then suddenly the concrete facade cracks open and the pavement in front of the building collapses dropping the Ghostbusters and a police car into the enormous sinkhole. The crowd gasps.
THE SINKHOLE
There is a tense moment of silence, then the Ghostbusters pop up and climb out of the pit.
WINGER
I've heard of underground parking but this is ridiculous.
They flash the "okay" sign to the crowd and enter the building.
EXT. THE ROOFTOP - SAME TIME
Britta and Chang emerge from the stairwell, approach the Temple and mount the pedestals once occupied by the Terror Dogs.
THE TEMPLE
The walls begin to vibrate in response.
EXT. THE STREET BELOW
Blinding beams of light flash from all the windows.
INT. STAIRWELL
The Ghostbusters trudge up thirty-five flights of stairs.
INT. THIRTY-FIFTH FLOOR HALLWAY
The stairwell door opens and the Ghostbusters stagger into the hallway, completely exhausted.
WINGER
(gasping and spitting)
I'm glad we took the stairs.
INT. BRITTA'S DOOR
The Ghostbusters arrive. The door frame is charred and blackened by soot. Winger rings the doorbell. DING-DONG.
WINGER
Britta?
SHIRLEY
Maybe we should go downstairs and call first?
Winger knocks on the door and the door simply falls off its hinges and crashes to the floor. The Ghostbusters gape at the damage to the apartment.
INT. BRITTA'S APARTMENT
The exterior building wall is completely gone providing an unobstructed view of rocky mountains and Denver in the distance. All the furniture is overturned and the other walls are cracked. A powerful wind blows through the apartment fluttering the shredded curtains.
SHIRLEY
(ready to leave)
Well, she's not here. Let's go.
WINGER
No! The kitchen!
INT. THE KITCHEN
The team enters and sees that the refrigerator has been blown away revealing a hole in the wall and the entrance to a stone staircase behind it.
WINGER
He looks at the forbidding portal and turns to Barnes.
WINGER
(slaps his shoulder)
GO!
Barnes realizes that Winger expects him to go first. He leads the charge up the stairs.
EXT. THE ROOF
Britta and Chang stare at the Temple, then begin a miraculous and horrible transformation into the hideous forms of the Terror Dogs.
THE TEMPLE
The solid stone walls rumble ominously and start to separate.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They come running out onto the roof and gape at the scene.
THE TEMPLE
The walls open completely revealing the secret architecture of the Temple: A stone staircase leading to a set of monumental doors, and beyond them a massive pyramid that appears to be suspended in mid-air with no visible means of support.
CHANG AND BRITTA
They complete their transformation into the Terror Dogs, which now turn and snarl menacingly at the Ghostbusters.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They can't believe their eyes.
WINGER
(aghast)
Shit! I've been out with some real dogs, but this is ridiculous!
The heavy rumbling of moving stone draws their attention back to the temple.
THE TEMPLE
The Terror Dogs have now taken ritual positions on the staircase. The heavy stone gates begin to open and a bright white light starts to emerge. As the light descends the stairs a human form slowly materializes.
THE FORM
It is a thin, hollow-cheeked, distinguished-looking man in his early sixties. His eyes are burning red pin-holes. He looks around at the spectacular rooftop view, then acknowledges the two Terror Dogs and starts stroking them like house pets.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They stare at the apparition.
NADIR
(recognizes him)
It's Shandor - the architect!
SHIRLEY
I thought he died!
WINGER
It doesn't seem to have slowed him down any.
BARNES
I don't think it's Shandor.
He gets to his feet and speaks sharply to Gozer.
GOZER
BARNES (CONT'D)
Gozer the Gozerian?
He looks up and seems to notice the Ghostbusters for the first time.
BARNES
He 'busts' Gozer.
GOZER
BARNES
(forceful)
As a duly-constituted representative of the City of Greendale,
and on behalf of the State of Colorado, the United States of America, the Planet Earth and all its inhabitants,
I hereby order you to cease and desist any and all supernatural activity and return at once to your place of origin or next parallel dimension.
WINGER
(to Barnes)
Well, that ought to do it.
He stands up to his full height and regards Barnes curiously.
GOZER
Are you a god?
BARNES
(compulsively honest)
No.
GOZER
Then die!
He raises his arms and blows away the Ghostbusters with searing bolts of energy.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
Momentarily stunned, they tumble all the way down the stairs and almost fall off the edge of the roof.
SHIRLEY
(to Barnes)
You should've said "yes!" He might have been willing to negotiate.
Winger gets to his feet first, really mad now.
WINGER
(setting his wands)
Okay . That's it! I'm gonna turn this guy into toast.
The Ghostbusters leap into action. One by one they activate their Proton packs and take up positions for an entrapment.
GOZER
He braces for the onslaught.
WINGER
He shoots a particle stream at Gozer.
GOZER
He leaps out of the way with superhuman agility and executes a perfect double-flip with a half-twisting round-off at the end.
WINGER
He can't believe his eyes.
WINGER
Agile bastard, isn't he?
BARNES
Forget the trapping! Just blast him!
The others adjust their units and they all blaze away at Gozer.
GOZER
He stands there calmly and absorbs the force of the streams. There is a brilliant pink flash and Gozer disappears.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They stare for a long moment, finding it hard to believe that they won. Then Shirley lets out a triumphant whoop.
NADIR
He scans the temple with his PKE meter, not at all convinced the danger has passed.
BARNES
He bounds up the stairs.
BARNES
(jubilant)
We neutronized him! The guy's a molecular nonentity.
WINGER AND NADIR
He wants to believe it but sees the doubt on Nadir's face.
NADIR
(reading the meter)
Not necessarily.
There is a deep seismic rumble and the entire building begins to vibrate. The Ghostbusters look around nervously as the entire building starts to sway.
EXT. THE EAVES
Cement carvings and moldings around the edge of the roof crack and break off.
EXT. THE STREET
The crowd screams and runs as cement debris rains down the side of the building and crashes on the sidewalk.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They look up at the sky waiting for the big blow. An incredibly loud thunderclap rocks the rooftop.
THE SKY
A bolt of lightning crackles from the swirling dark cloud and strikes the rooftop. The Ghostbusters stand there facing their new God like Moses on Mount Sinai. And then Gozer speaks to them in a voice that can be heard throughout the state of Colorado.
GOZER
SUBCREATURES! GOZER THE GOZERIAN,
GOZER THE DESTRUCTOR, VOLGUUS ZILDROHAR, THE TRAVELLER HAS COME.
CHOOSE AND PERISH.
WINGER
(shouting to be heard)
Is he talking to us?
SHIRLEY
What's he talking about? Choose what?
BARNES
(to the heavens)
What do you mean "choose?" We don't understand.
GOZER
CHOOSE!!
NADIR
I think he's saying that since we're about to be sacrificed anyway, we get to choose the form we want him to take.
BARNES
You mean if I stand here and concentrate on the image of Clive Owen, Gozer will appear as Clive Owen and wipe us out?
NADIR
That appears to be the case.
WINGER
(quickly)
Don't think of anything yet. Clear your minds. We only get one at this.
GOZER
THE CHOICE IS MADE. THE TRAVELLER HAS COME.
WINGER
(in a panic)
We didn't choose anything!
(to the others)
I didn't think of an image, did you?
NADIR
No.
They look at Shirley.
SHIRLEY
My mind's a total void!
They all look at Troy.
BARNES
(guilty)
I couldn't help it! It just popped in there!
WINGER
(desperately)
What? What popped in there? Look!
BARNES
(pointing)
They all turn and look to the south.
GHOSTBUSTERS POV
Looking south past Ava Place, they see part of something big and white moving between the buildings accompanied by thunderous footsteps of almost seismic proportions.
WINGER
He doesn't know what it is yet, but he knows it's coming.
WINGER
(desperately)
What is it? Troy, what did you think of?
COLLEGE BLVD
The massive white shape passes behind some buildings, offering a glimpse of what appears to be a fat, white arm.
BARNES
He's about to go into shock.
BARNES
(babbling)
It can't be! It can't be!
AVA PLACE
The thundering footsteps continue to plod as the thing starts to emerge from behind the buildings. Now we can see part of a blue garment covering its enormous chest.
BARNES
He recognizes the monster.
BARNES
It's… It's… It's the
STAY-PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN.
Shirley, Jeff and Abed gape.
THEIR POV
They look across the roof tops and see a large, square, white, bobbing, laughing head atop a massive body of similar puffed white squares. The being is dressed in a tiny sailor's hat, red bosun's whistle and lanyard and a little blue vest with a button undone in the middle revealing a little white belly. It is the cute, quintessential American brand symbol, loominq as large as Godzilla.
BARNES(V.O.)
(desperately apologizing)
I tried to think of the most harmless thing… something that could never destroy us…
something I loved from my childhood.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They watch the Marshmallow Man plodding toward them.
WINGER
AND YOU CAME UP WITH THAT?
BARNES
The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man! He was on all the packages we used to buy when I was a kid.
We used to roast Stay-Puft marshmallows at Camp Waconda!
WINGER
Great! The marshmallows are about to get their revenge.
THE STAY-PUFT MAN
He plods relentlessly uptown toward the Ghostbusters' rooftop vantage point. The ground rumbles as his big, soft feet come down on the pavement.
THE STREET
People are fleeing in panic as the marshmallow feet pad along kicking over lampposts and mail boxes.
A CAR
The driver jumps out just before an enormous white marshmallow foot comes down and flattens his automobile.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They stand there helplessly watching the laughing bobbing head of the Stay-Puft Man as he comes toward them.
WINGER
What now?
NADIR
(adjusting his thrower)
Full-stream with strogon pulse.
Winger looks at Barnes. Barnes shrugs.
WINGER
(decides)
I guess that's all we've got.
They step to the edge of the roof, moving like warriors now, ready to face the consequences.
EXT. THE STREET
Pelton comes running up to the front of the apartment building. People are fleeing the oncoming monster. Pelton grabs OFFICER CACKOWSKI who is just about to flee himself.
PELTON
(in a rage)
Are the Ghostbusters up there?
CACKOWSKI
(desperate to get away)
Yeah!
PELTON
I want you to go up on the roof and arrest them. This time they've gone too far.
The Cop looks at Pelton like he's insane, then sees the StayPuft Man looming up at the end of the block.
CACKOWSKI
(knocking Pelton’s hands away)
You arrest them, numb nuts! I'm getting out of here.
He runs off. Pelton turns to face the monster.
THE STAY-PUFT MAN
The ground shakes with every step as he reaches the building. Then, using the church next door as a stepping stone, he begins climbing the wall.
They look over the edge of the roof as the Marshmallow Man climbs higher and higher.
WINGER
(shouts)
Hit him!
They each fire point blank at the Stay-Puft Man.
THE STAY-PUFT MAN
He bellows with pain and rage as the beams strike him right in the chest and set his skin on fire. He begins to burn with a blue flame that spreads quickly across his torso and down his arms. The Stay-Puft Man bellows even louder, flailing its huge arms in response to the searing flames that are starting to engulf him.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They stare at the horrible conflagration.
SHIRLEY
Good. Now we made him mad.
THE STAY-PUFT MAN
Carbonous, flaming hunks of melting marshmallow are flying from his arms as he waves them in wild rage.
THE STREET
Pelton stands there paralyzed with fear. A mass of flaming marshmallow falls and flattens a news stand nearby. Then a huge glob of sticky toasted marshmallow comes zipping down from above and lands right on him, burying him up to his neck in melted sucrose.
THE STAY-PUFT MAN
The flaming monster keeps coming intent on their destruction. Most of his chest has melted away revealing horrid musculature and a skeletal rib cage.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They square off and face him for the last time, their weapons poised.
WINGER
(calmly)
We're going to be killed by a hundred-foot marshmallow.
THE STAY-PUFT MAN
He is almost on them now, fully engulfed in flames, reaching for them, ready to swat them with his burning fist.
WINGER
(to the others)
On the count of three! One… Two…
NADIR
(he has the best idea of his life)
No! Them! Shoot them!
(he points at the Terror Dogs)
Cross the streams.
THE TERROR DOGS
They stand beside the portal literally petrified.
WINGER
He hesitates.
WINGER
(protesting)
No! You said crossing the streams would be BAD. It'll kill her! And us!
NADIR
Life is just a state of mind.
WINGER
But it's my favorite state.
BARNES
Either way we're history.
THE STAY-PUFT MAN
His burning fist is starting to descend on the Ghostbusters.
WINGER
He chooses the only way out.
WINGER
(shouts)
Now!!
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They turn and fire at the two petrified Terror Dogs and blow them to oblivion. The entire front of the temple is obliterated along with the door.
THE STAY-PUFT MAN
With the destruction of his earthly portal, the flaming monster is suddenly engulfed in a cyclonic wind that begins to swirl around him like a fire-storm. The flames are whipped higher and higher as the tornado begins to pick up rotational speed. Then the Marshmallow Man seems to explode from deep inside creating a flaming air burst high above the Rooftops.
THE ROOFTOP
The Ghostbusters are blasted off their feet.
THE SKY
The fireball reaches its maximum explosive force, then a sudden jet of air pressure occurs like a titanic vacuum cleaner in the sky and sucks the flaming mass of gasses and ash up through our atmosphere and right out of our dimension. The dark clouds disappear with it, leaving a beautiful clear blue sky over the whole area.
THE TEMPLE
It now looks like an ancient ruin.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They are lying at the foot of the stairs. Everything is still. One by one they get slowly to their feet and look around to see that the crisis has passed.
BARNES
Everybody okay?
Winger looks up at the portal.
THE TERROR DOGS
They are still on the pedestals but charred almost beyond recognition. Winger mounts the stairs and gazes sadly at the remains.
THE PEDESTAL
Winger stands there mourning, then a slight movement under the blackened skin of the Terror Dog catches his eye. The movement gets stronger, then suddenly a human hand pokes through the carbonous coating.
WINGER
Hope surges in him and he starts frantically tearing away the black coating, finally revealing Britta alive and well under the burnt skin of the Terror Dog.
BARNES AND NADIR
They peel the charred coating off Chang and help him to his feet.
CHANG
He looks around wondering how he ended up on the roof of a wrecked high-rise. He looks at his scorched and ripped suit crusted with the still-smoking gobs of melted marshmallow.
CHANG
(amazed)
Jeez! Somebody must have spiked the egg salad.
WINGER
He helps Britta to her feet.
WINGER
Are you all right?
She looks around at the incredible scene.
BRITTA
(totally confused)
Oh, sure. I’m getting used to this.
CHANG
(seeing Britta for the first time)
I'm innocent! Honest, Britta. I never touched you. Not that I remember anyway.
BRITTA
(getting annoyed)
All right, what happened to me?
WINGER
Nothing! We just got rid of that thing in your kitchen.
BRITTA
Really! Is it gone?
WINGER
Yeah, along with most of your furniture and a lot of your personal possessions. This one took some work.
BRITTA
(noting the wrecked building)
Thank you. Next time I want to break a lease I’ll know who to call.
She hugs him.
WINGER
This is going to cost you, you know. Our fees are ridiculously high.
BRITTA
Talk to my accountant.
(she indicates Abed)
NADIR
Oh, great! I bet we could write off all the damage as an Act of God.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They look at each other and nod.
BARNES
I'll go along with that.
EXT. THE STREET - NIGHT
A happy throng of jubilant citizens is gathered outside the lobby entrance to the apartment building.
THE ENTRANCE
The battered but victorious Ghostbusters emerge from the Lobby. Jeff and Britta are holding hands. The crowd roars with unrestrained joy and gratitude. Annie runs over and hugs Abed enthusiastically. The Ghostbusters wave and head for the Ectomobile parked at the curb.
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
They get into the Ectomobile and drive off with lights flashing and sirens screaming as the crowd cheers wildly.
THE END