Work Text:
Today, 7:00am
I have seen a lot of things with Lilly, she has been with me for as long as I can remember. Her and I always had a certain way of thinking, we both believed that people are only as good as what they put into the world, the things they weave into their web. People who were well adjusted usually didn't think about the morals they possess, they just listen to that little bug in their ear. The issues occur often because it's the bug their family has, the bug that keeps them thinking the same things their whole lives. It tries to keep its ideals in all of them, and they never try to think otherwise. Personally I believe that you don't have to become your bug to listen to them, you could be separate, but you would always come back to your shared thoughts. Regardless of how we view it, the world will keep on working the way it does.
So today, just like every day we will do what we have been doing for the past 20 years, we finish our morning routine. We usually have around 15 minutes to get to work. I prefer walking and Lilly doesn’t seem to mind regardless of how we get to work as long as we get there. She always said that showing up on time was the best way to be taken seriously, I didn’t really care. Exactly 2 hours and 30 minutes into our shift. We have our scheduled lunch break along with the midday meeting. Lilly prefers to eat at night and I prefer the day, I know plenty of people who seem to eat along with their bugs schedule, for some, this is every day for someone it’s once a month, me and Lilly never seemed to have an issue having separate meal schedules, although I do prefer the same thing every day similar to Lilly. After lunch and our meeting, we go back to work and roughly around 2:30-4 we start heading home, usually. Today was different. We had a big client or something that had us staying late. I hate the change in schedule, but I can't help it, that’s all I can say to keep myself together, that’s all Lilly says too. That I can’t help it… I hate that it’s out of my control.. but again, I can’t help it…..
7:00 pm
We head home later than usual, it’s nice heading home at the same time every day because you see other people’s daily routines as well. The old lady who waits for the bus stop after her run to the coffee shop, the couple who meet at the same corner after their different shifts, many others but furthermore, me and Lilly on our walk home. Today it’s only me and Lilly, it’s dark, I look around to see any familiarity in the new time and I can’t seem to notice anything recognizable. Nothing familiar, but one thing stands out more than the rest of unfamiliar faces. There is a man, this man who is sitting next to the bus stop. He seems lost, I think, Lilly seems to think the same, after a second of hesitation I walk over and sit with him. It takes me a second to ask anything but once I do “hello” my voice cracks after I clear my throat I ask the man
“Hello sir, I'm sorry to bother you, but you seem lost. Is there anything I can help you with?”
A few moments later he doesn’t seem to acknowledge me, but for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to leave him. I studied his face, his neck, his head, and then I realized that he didn’t have a bug. I thought for a second maybe he just had a flea or something similar, but no, he didn’t have one. a part of me wanted to stand up and leave, I never saw why people hated those without but it has been instilled in me to not speak to those without a bug, that somehow it would hurt me. Since he didn’t answer the first time, I didn’t see a point in me asking questions to be met with silence. I knew what Lilly wants me to do and so I’ll do it to police but after that, I’ll head home, I thought about it and after I stood up and kneeled back down to be closer, I asked my final question
“ It really doesn’t bother me, I’m here if you need to ask anything, you know where to talk.”
This time the man looked up, he looked sad more than lost now that I have a better chance of seeing his face. He opens his mouth to talk, but then closes it almost immediately after. Again, I say
“I promise it won’t be a bother”
He sits for a second before deciding to answer, and when he does, he’s the one asking me a question,
“if you are so eager to help, why can’t you get me what everyone else has, find me a bug”
I sit there dumbfounded, how could I even get a bug, can you even get a bug? Can you even get a bug for someone else or does it have to be you who finds the bug? I start to get deeper into my thoughts, almost forgetting that he was there. Lilly tells me to answer the man, but how do you answer a question like that? I say the only thing I can think to say.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can help you with that”
The man doesn’t seem to be bothered by the awnser, but I can really never know since he decided not to respond, one last time I say
“I’m sorry”
And then I stand up to leave, as I’m walking away he doesn’t say anything he doesn’t even look at me. And even though he isn’t looking at me or talking, I feel like I let him down? I feel like it’s my fault even though I can’t help it.
I can’t seem to shake the interaction once I get home. It’s stuck in my brain and even though I know I couldn’t have done anything, I feel guilty. Lilly hasn’t said anything since we got home, it’s just been me and my thoughts, but what’s new? How do I know that Lilly is even the one talking to me? It could've all just been in my head. Honestly I’d be fine with that. Nothing would really be different, and I wouldn’t kick out Lilly . but yet again, who would kick out their bug? Whatever it’s best not to dwell on things. I think to myself before officially laying down in my bed to fall asleep.
Next day, 7:00am
I get up, do my morning routine, walk to work. Everything went the same as it always does so I guess there was no reason to be worried about my schedule yesterday. But something feels off, I can’t stop thinking about that man. I know Lilly says it’s bad to obsess over what one might say thoughts of morals, oh God I sound like I’m turning into all the other people, but seriously! What makes him deserve to be there? I know people say that without a bug, you can’t possibly contribute to society, but wouldn’t he do a job like mine just as good as everyone else or even myself?
9:00am
I can’t focus, maybe there is something wrong. What was different about my schedule? I ate, I did my morning routine. I woke up the same time as usual then went to work. I mean I stayed late yesterday, but that usually doesn’t affect me this much. maybe I’m starting to catch a cold? That’s it. I guess my schedule is already messed up enough. It won’t hurt too much to go to the doctors after work.
6:00pm
They said everything is normal with me.. physically…. I think something bad is about to happen, I just can’t figure out what it is. I’ve been laying on my fully made bed staring at the ceiling, maybe I don’t matter as much as I thought, how can one… two? Matter in such a big universe.. weird.
7:00pm
Now that I think about it, Lilly hasn’t said anything for a while, whatever she’s probably in another one of her moods.
9:00pm
Usually, around this time, me and Lilly head to bed, that’s weird. I always thought it was weird how people slept with their bugs? I guess I never seem to think about it like do our bugs climb off when we go to bed and we just never really thought to pay attention to it? Or do they stay attached and just crawl around as I roll around? Whatever, I’m sure Lilly will figure it out.
Next day 7:00am
I had a really weird dream last night, now that I think about it I’ve been having weird dreams. The first one was about the man. nothing else really eventful happened. I just re-live the experience on the street with him, and then I had a dream about Lilly . I had a dream that she became her own person that she walked alongside me rather than sitting on my head. she was beautiful, she seemed almost like the girl version of me how I felt whatever. then I had a dream last night. however,This one was different. I usually dream about things that are held close to me or it’s a retelling of a day I had .yet this one, this one was so bizarre. I was a soldier in a war, a war many decades ago, before I was alive the type of word that you only hear stories about. For some reason, the dream had me paying attention to odds details. My tension was mostly drawn to the uniform, the ground I was laying on, and the locket that was around my neck. It sat slightly above my heart, and on it was engraved Lilly. It’s probably just some weird dream that everyone has at least once in their life, but still, I can’t stop thinking about it…
7:00pm
Today is really weird, time just blended together, my head is silent and Lilly has said nothing. Is she mad at me? What would she even be mad about? Could it be the man? Could she tell that I hesitated? Was she offended by it? I can’t stop thinking. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t stop thinking. Lilly , are you there? OK I need to take a walk, whatever my brain is doing is weird and I’ll stop eventually, it’s not like it’s something I can help.
9:00pm
Lilly finally talked to me again. I guess I was so caught up in my thoughts that I forgot she sleeps more during this time of year. how silly of me to forget? she wasn’t ignoring me. She was just sleeping this entire time. I must really be losing it.
Next day, 7:00am
OK, so my schedule is finally back to normal and my brain is finally letting me do my work correctly. Lilly is talking to me, and I’m listening to every word. It’s nice to be back to this, back to normal. I wonder if The past day is what that man constantly feels, maybe it’s just me.i mean Lilly and I will always be one, my whole life she has been right there on my ear, I know that others cant hear her but I can, thats all I care about, so I guess going without something you have had your entire life kind of drives you insane. I could never hear the people who said the only voice they could really hear was their bug after all I can’t help it. When I was younger id let other people be the bug on my ear, they said that she was a pest, that she could never be good, but that’s not true. It never was. she always thought better than you anyways. She has something you will never have from me, trust.
Two weeks later 7:15am
For the first time in a while, I woke up a little late, it’s not really that big of a deal considering I leave 20 minutes of extra time in my schedule every single day to make up for any things that might delay me getting to work, the only difference is today I’ll take the bus, I can’t help it so it’s not that big of a deal. Lilly, do you mind? This time Lilly does respond and she says what she always says. You can’t help it. It’s out of your control. that’s her way of saying she’s fine with it too. She never really says what she means. But that’s fine I always knew what she meant. Our day goes on as it usually does same boring things at least that’s what Lilly says. I like the repetitive tasks, they seem normal and I like normal. It’s something that I can keep in my control something I can decide. that doesn’t mean I can’t handle change. Everyone always said I had “trouble with change” whatever that means. It’s just that sometimes change can stress me out, lilly says that changes inevitable. You can’t get stressed out every time it happens. But I feel like that’s an unfair thing to say, I don’t try to be stressed out, it’s so unpredictable. I don’t like it. I can’t help it. and I don’t like things I can’t help, it’s not that I need to help everything, I just wanna help control What is going to affect my life, is that so wrong? But I’m dwelling on this too much as per usual it’s just who I am. I can’t help it.
The next day, 7:00am
OK officially I’m bored. Little hasn’t said anything this morning yet yesterday my boss said we have to stay late again today for that same client. I wonder if I’ll see that man again? I’m kind of looking forward to it not because it’s something predictable. I wanna ask to see if I can help with anything. I wanna ask more questions. I wanna hear his story. is that so wrong? after all he can’t help it. can anyone help it?
7:00pm
The day is finally over! Time to go home, I excitedly say goodbye to my coworkers I stepped outside…. It’s raining of course the one day I am excited for change life decides to add even more. Whatever it’s fine, I leave a spare umbrella at work so yet again it’s not that big of a change. Just ignore it. I can’t help it. good news! The guy was there same as last time I approached him. I sit on my heels and right as I try to talk. Ribbit…. Ribbit. There is a…… toad. Sitting in front of me. staring. Weird.
“Hello little one, are you enjoying the lovely weather perhaps?”
I say as the man next to me looks up and gives a giggle.
“You address that paddock like a grade schooler”
The man starts to laugh harder
I never noticed his accent until now, I need to start paying more attention to other people.
“I do?”
I say as I let out a small giggle
“ you quite indeed do! You remind me of my birdie… it’s been a while since I’ve heard someone be so fond of a toad.”
The man says
Progress, I can work with this
“ I don’t mean to pry sir, but may I ask who is birdie”
I say
“ ohhh quit the formalities, you’re so polite there’s no need for that. Birdie was my bug. She was so gorgeous but everyone hated her. You know she was quite similar to yours. She’s got some people call a pest. But boy was she so sweet. I’ve never seen a centipede love everything that hated them… but she always did”
The man looked over
Oh
He is looking AT me, most people look far off when speaking to me, they try not to look at Lilly, they don’t like unusual bugs…
“ you have a bug? Where is she? You know you’re gonna get a bad rep if she isn’t visable”
And I messed up again…. That’s pretty common… how stupid can I possibly be? He was talking so longingly. This is gonna backfire.
“ well, back in my day people with bugs that weren’t as…… celebrated to say the least. It wasn’t safe, my birdie, she didn’t make it that long, one day one “accident”… and the courts said it was a mistake that it wasn’t intentional, one day after work me and Bertie went to the bar to celebrate our birthday, one too many shots later, and I’m talking with these guys, and someone grabs her and rise off in his taxi as I stumble to find him. She was gone before I could even figure out where I was… I’m not mad at you for asking, she was always so aware of how people thought, so I guess she is still with me because I can tell that you think you made a mistake…”
I sit they’re staring at him, my mouth slightly open, what the fuck do you say to that? He told me the one thing I was scared to hear. I didn’t know you could lose bugs. That one day Lilly could just be gone. I mean, I always thought about my life without Lilly , but this this is horrifying and he read me like a book he could see the way my brain worked after I messed up and he. Isn’t mad. How can you not be mad he lost what was supposed to be his guaranteed companion, and no justice was ever thought of he was brushed off? Fuck I’ve been sitting here for too long. I need to say something, but what do you say? Lilly help me out, goddamnit she always decides to stay silent at the worst times
“Uh..um……..I’m sorry for asking….”
I say changing my gaze from looking at him to the wet concrete
“ it’s OK there’s no need to be sorry, after all I couldn’t help it.”
The man said the sentence that I have repeated in my head for the past 32 years I can’t help it, the saying that Lilly has said, my parents and now myself…… how could he say that
I stand up quickly to leave, I have nothing left to say, I mean what do you say
“Sorry for bothering you, I’m sure you have had a long day. I’ll let you be thank you”
He doesn’t say anything, it feels weird, leaving without him saying anything so I stand around for a few seconds
“ you know, you don’t have to be sorry. I did think you were finally the person who would talk to me. Stay safe Kid. you’re gonna need all the luck you can find.”
The man goes back to whatever he was doing what even was he doing before I approached him? I know he had his head down, but what was he doing? Was he reading? of course, as per usual I didn’t pay attention. I don’t look back. I start to walk faster, faster, faster, almost as if I can run away from the thoughts the feelings, the apologies I owe that man, he said not to apologize, but that’s what everyone says. God lilly, can you say something for once in your fucking life? of course not. Of course not. Of course no………………. Where are even am I? I thought I was on my way home but now I am staring at a sign that I’ve never seen in my life. It’s a street sign, but I can’t quite read it. God I hate astigmatism. Lilly, can you read that sign?
…
Lilly, can you please read that sign?
…
God, you can be mad at me all you want once we get home where are we? I can’t read the sign.
~…
Wow, a one word answer thanks. OK I think I remember hearing that road name a while back I should be close to home. A quick pop into the gas station. They should have a map or something right?
7:24pm
Finally, a map. Who even designs these places. But that doesn’t matter right not, I just wanna go home plus it’s not good for Lilly to be in the rain for so long.
“Hello how can I help you!”
Weird, usually the people in these places don’t really care about the people who come in and out.
“Sorry but I’m kind of lost, could you tell me where we are?”
“ no problem! We’re right down the block from petite voix, we’re on oat street”
“Thank you!”
To hear that Lilly, we’re not too far from home, just turned around.
8:00pm
We finally made it home. I have no clue how I got that turned around. It might’ve been the rain now that I think about it, I have always had trouble seeing signs in the rain, and it’s not like Lilly was contributing to help me read the signs, at this point I’m starting to think if she even likes me well she better start liking me soon because we’re stuck together until we die, I don’t know maybe we just need to sleep it off I think that’ll be best for the both of us.
6:00am
Lilly
…
Lilly?
A week after
She’s gone, I didn’t even know this could happen. I mean, I knew it could happen, but never thought it would happen like I didn’t think it was a thing that happened to people like me to people. I mean my whole life I did everything right, what I thought was right? What we thought was right. I did everything I was told, yet this somehow happened to us,I-I mean me…
I’m wrong now… right? Isn’t that what happens when you don’t have a bug, your wrong? Maybe not wrong but bad at least, right? Like without a bug with out right and wrong, you are wrong, right? Lilly?I always believed that she would never hurt me, never leave, never inject me with venom, never drive the final stake in my heart. But now…. Who is there to tell me otherwise? Maybe it’s better to not have a bug, a god, because now. Now I can right the rules of life, maybe this time I can help it.