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“For the last time-“ Sanji pinched at the bridge of his nose with his clean hand as his other came to a brief pause, up to his wrist in sticky bread dough. “You guys are being too noisy in here! Go play outside!”
“Eh? I’m not even doing anything-“ Zoro’s grousing was muffled from where his face was buried down in the seat cushion of one of their galley chairs. “Just kick Luffy out when he’s finished with my back.”
Luffy’s feet landed with a barefooted slap right in the center of Zoro’s back, making it crack loudly and causing the swordsman to let out a muffled grunt before his arm slipped off the side of the chair to melt to the ground in relief.
“Ahhh Zoro nooo!” Luffy shrieked at top volume from where he stood perched atop Zoro’s bare shoulders. He quickly snatched the swordsman’s arm back up onto the seat. “The floor is lava! You nearly lost your arm!” He hopped onto Zoro’s shoulders now with another satisfying crunch as Zoro had the air knocked out of him beneath him.
They’d been at it for at least a half hour, Zoro had laid out across three of the chairs while Luffy hopped along his back in an attempt to crack it for the swordsman who refused to just go to their doctor. Why they chose to do this in the galley of all places, Sanji would never understand. Before long Luffy had turned it into a game and had scattered the chairs all across the dining area and had begun hopping back and forth, screaming about lava and slamming down onto Zoro every couple of jumps in another attempt to help the swordsman.
“Why again, did you ask Luffy to help you with this?” Sanji sighed, his irritation growing as Zoro let out another obnoxious grunt when Luffy slammed down onto his lower back with glee. “Franky could’ve finished with one squeeze, Chopper wouldn’t be trying to break your spine. Literally every other crewmember is better suited to this task than Luffy.”
“Franky likes to cop a feel and act like we’re about to get busy and Chopper would lecture me the whole damn time-“ Zoro grunted as Luffy began punching Zoro in between his shoulder blades. “Luffy gives the best massages-“
“If you’re a damn masochist -it’s like he tries to break your spine-“ Sanji quipped scathingly, but Zoro just kept going.
“-Unless you wanna walk in on the cyborg lighting candles and singing love songs while he feels up my ass…”
Sanji slammed his free hand down onto the countertop with a growl, interrupting the two as Luffy hopped from Zoro’s back to one of the other chairs again, toppling to the floor with an excessive amount of clattering and banging. The cook pointed at the door with a glare before quickly stuffing his hand into his pocket to grab his handkerchief to dab at his nose, which had begun to bleed slightly at the visual his brain conjured up at Zoro’s brief description.
“That’s it! Get the hell out of here, both of you! I need to concentrate if I wanna have all this dough ready for breakfast tomorrow and you two are distracting me!”
“Why should we go?” Zoro dared to argue, not having moved an inch and his face still buried deep in the seat cushion. His voice was extremely muffled. “You’re doin the same thing to all that stupid dough -if you were sooo worried about my spine why didn’t you offer to just crack it for me?”
Sanji’s jaw dropped in offense, both hands busy now and covered in the sticky mass of fluffy dough that covered the entire countertop.
“Because I’m busy kneading the dough! I’m not just gonna shirk my duties because the Moss wants a massage! What makes you think I even wanna touch you?! Your skin is probably caked in old sweat and your own special bacteria brew -especially now since Luffy’s been crawling all over you!”
“Aww but Sanjiii-“ Luffy whined as he detangled himself from the legs of his toppled chair. “We didn’t want you to be lonely and it’s boring! Everyone else is out on the island and since I got stuck with the short straw and am not supposed to leave, I figured it would be better for us to stick together.” He put the chair up on its legs again and climbed back on top, earning a heated glare from the flour coated cook. “And you never wanna play with me and Zoro was just lying around in here -it’s not fair that you play favorites!”
“I’m not playing favorites now am I?” The blonde replied smoothly as he stretched the pillowy dough before folding it in over itself. “I’m kicking you both out equally. Get lost!”
He wrenched a hand up out of the aromatic dough and pointed a sticky finger at Zoro.
“But not you. Don’t actually get lost idiot Moss cause I don’t have time to go looking for you today. Just go play outside instead. Close by. Where I can see you. Don’t you dare lose him Luffy, especially if his back’s gone all to shit-”
“Your back is shit -mine’s is fine, I just don’t wanna play outside I wanna take a nap in here-“
“But Sanji I’m on ship’s watch, I can’t go onto the island, why d’you gotta stay in here anyways? You have been doing that foreverrrr!”
Sanji gave their captain a heated look.
“Tomorrow is your day for special breakfast requests and you requested French toast.” He folded his dough with an aggressive thwack now as he spoke slowly, like he was talking to a simpleton. “I can’t French the toast if there’s no toast to be frenched. Unless you’ve changed your mind and want to have your breakfast request skipped this week-“
Zoro’s head immediately shot up from the seat cushion in interest.
“Skip to mine, I wanna do a hundred fried eggs on a mountain of rice-“
“You’ll start with six and we’ll see about the rest after that-“ Sanji shot back instantly to the dismay of their captain.
“No no!” Luffy yelled. “Don’t skip mine, I still want the French toasts Sanji please! You gotta!”
“Then I gotta make the bread to be toasted you insufferable idiot!” Sanji seemed to be on the border of losing his patience. “Look -I came back early so just go ahead and go away! Damn island is crawling with oversized game and animals. I didn’t bother since our freezer is full but if you’re really soo bored, go hunting or something for dinner tonight.” Sanji snapped loudly at their captain who immediately stopped whining and brightened up considerably. “I’ll take over your watch now since I’m here, alright?! Now get out!!”
Zoro began to complain again but Luffy was quick to scamper out the door with the yawning and grumbly swordsman in tow, dragging him along by the arm as he hooted with glee. The green haired layabout had barely managed to snatch his shirt back up before getting shoved roughly out into the afternoon sun, squinting his eye as he looked around the deck for a place he could maybe escape Luffy and nap instead.
“Oookay Sanji! If you say you’ll take over the watch for me!” Luffy was giggling to himself as he dragged Zoro out onto the Sunny’s bright green lawn. “C’mon Zoro! Let’s go get lost! But you’ll be with me so you won’t technically be lost so Sanji can’t get mad at you!” He seemed to be particularly pleased with this supposed loophole he’d found. “Let’s go climb those rocks I wanted to visit! You know, the ones that Robin said looked interesting?”
“No idea.” Zoro said honestly as he tugged the hem of his plain shirt down and tucked it back into his haramaki properly. “I wasn’t paying attention to her when she said that, but I’ll go climb with you. It’ll help me keep stretching out my back. I’ll just take a nap when we get there. If Robin says they’re interesting, that means it’ll be especially boring and perfect for sleeping.”
“Nehh Zoro why’s your back need all this stretching and cracking today anyways?” Luffy asked as he leaped over the railing with a little stretch to land just on the edge of the beach, avoiding the gentle surf below. “Did you hurt it with all your training shishishi.”
“I didn’t hurt it-” Zoro grumbled as he vaulted over the railing as well to follow Luffy who was already halfway up the sandy shore. “If you’d remember, you threw me the other day and I landed on that fountain.” Zoro looked particularly cranky about the memory. “I crushed the stupid fountain on the other island when I landed but it had like, an arm or something poking out that hit me right in the center of my shoulders. That’s why it’s tight.”
“So you hurt it.”
“No you ass -you did!!”
Luffy laughed again, zipping ahead now as Zoro took a cranky swipe at him that could easily take a man’s head off, his braying laughter further antagonizing the swordsman who immediately gave chase as Luffy crowed.
“Poor Zoro! He hurt his back and is too embarrassed to tell the doctor!! You really should tell Chopper if it’s bothering you so much y’know.” Luffy leapt out of the way as Zoro lunged for him now with both arms wide, slipping out from between his fingers by a hair. “Maybe you shouuuld go back and take a nap on the ship while I go get Chopper for you.”
“I don’t need Chopper-” Zoro yelled haughtily. “I just needed help working out the kinks, it’ll fix itself on its own later when I do my afternoon training!” Luffy began running up in between the trees now, and Zoro had to focus a little harder on the floor beneath him to keep up. They began weaving through the jungle, Luffy laughing and swinging around on low branches as he led the way while Zoro would duck down here and there to scoop up rocks to throw at their captain in a combination of amusement and annoyance every time he began to pull ahead too much.
“Oi -don’t get so far away from me!” Zoro complained loudly after a while when they reached a craggy rock face and Luffy immediately began to climb straight up. The swordsman adjusted his swords on his hip before hopping up the wall as well, a slight grimace on his face at the uncomfortable stretch in his shoulders. “Are these the rocks you were lookin for?” Luffy shook his head dramatically so Zoro could see from below.
”Naaah! Robin said it looked like a Henge! So we’re looking for henge rocks! Quit being such a slowpoke!” Zoro scowled up at him, already near the top of the small cliff while Zoro was barely off the ground below.
“The hell’s a henge?” Zoro yelled up at him in frustration now, to which his captain shrugged.
”You know! Some circle rocks, that are in a circle! A Henge! They look cool trust me, but they’re up here somewhere and if you keep going that slow we’ll never get there in time!”
Luffy seemed to be in the mood for monkeying around and particularly intent on antagonizing the swordsman with his teasing. Zoro wasn’t particularly angry about his pestering, but it was getting annoying, especially since it coincided with that niggling twinge that was stuck between his shoulder blades that no amount of Luffy’s hopping and slamming seemed to be able to relieve.
He took a moment to consider the flat rock beneath his hands before rearing a fist back and slamming it powerfully into the rock, making the entire cliff side tremble with the force of it. Zoro began to guffaw loudly at the way Luffy suddenly lost his grip way up above and came tumbling back down to land with an unflattering splat by Zoro’s feet.
”Told you to stop running ahead.” He sneered as Luffy rolled around whining.
“No fair! You are cheating!!”
Zoro scoffed. “What is this, a race to the top? Thought we were looking for a henge.”
Luffy’s pout quickly transformed into a grin.
”If it is a race then I’ve already won!” He stretched an arm out suddenly above them, the rubbery limb shooting past Zoro to reach out and grab a hold of the top ledge of the cliff. Not wanting to be left behind by his obviously cheating captain, Zoro dropped from his climb and jumped directly at Luffy, wrapping his thick arms around his rubbery torso just before the strawhats boy sent the both of them rocketing up towards the top of the cliff face.
”No fair I didn’t say I would give you a ride!” Luffy complained hotly as they arced over the upper ledge where Zoro could now clearly see Luffy’s mysterious ‘henge’. It was made of several concentric circles of squared stones, clearly arranged by some unknown people long in the past. In the center of it sat Robin with a notebook across her lap as she squinted up at them in the air before giving them a friendly wave.
“You can’t just call a race and immediately cheat to the top-“ Zoro growled as he and Luffy wrestled in midair, the swordsman trying now to detach from Luffy so he could land down by Robin first but Luffy obstinately now hanging onto him to prevent him from getting ahead. “I’m just following the same lack of rules you are!”
“Oh yeah?!” Luffy managed to get his hands around Zoro’s waist as the swordsman swore and whipped around suddenly before sending his first mate flying off over the jungle with a howl of irritation. “How’s this for rules!”
Luffy landed on top of Robin’s strange henge as Zoro disappeared off into the clouds, laughing over his victory before swinging down to land beside their archaeologist, looking around at the strange henge stones excitedly.
”Haha Robin! Did you see that? I won the race!”
”Hmm. I suppose you did.” She agreed calmly before resting her chin in her hand. “But now you’ve unwittingly entered a new one with much more dire consequences.”
He raised an eyebrow and turned back to her as she went back to writing in her notebook.
”A new race? For what? Where?” She laughed outright at him, the amused look on her face growing by the minute.
”Why, a race against time of course. You’ve just launched Zoro across the island to land who knows where. Now you’d better go find him and bring him back before I tell our navigator and cook that you’ve lost him.” She laughed lightly at the pallor his face took on, still scribbling away in her notebook casually. “I’ve no intention of leaving this spot for some time yet, but you’d better hurry before I get going. I believe Sanjikun promised parfaits for our afternoon snack today and I’m particularly fond of those.”
Luffy’s jaw was hanging as he stared at Robin.
”So wait. It’s a race -against you snitching on me?”
”Snitching is such an ugly word. I prefer tattle. So yes. A race against me tattling on you.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear with a wink. “You’d better get going then captain, Nami was in a particularly ornery mood just a little while ago over some bug bites. I doubt she’d be very forgiving in her current state, and our lovely chef is probably expecting his mossman back in one piece by dinner time.”
Luffy whined but turned away from Robin and her mysterious henge of stonework to peer after the tiny dot in the sky that was Zoro, falling somewhere on the opposite end of the island.
“No fair! First Sanji’s mean, now Robin’s being a bully!”
“Time’s a wasting captain. Chopper should be nearby still if you’d like to make use of his excellent tracking skills. You’d better hurry if you want to catch up to him.”
Zoro scowled as he began to fall to the ground, his arms crossed tightly over his chest as he squinted down at his incoming landing zone. It didn’t look great, an open area between the trees that was filled with strange piles of broken branches and trees, and those heaps had various collections of large, smooth stones assembled within their borders. Based on his current trajectory, Zoro was due to land right in the dead center of one of those scratchy looking piles and there was nothing around to slow his fall or soften his landing.
“Tsk. Typical.” He grumbled as he fell through the air, bracing himself at the last moment with a grimace as he collided with the actually plush pile and rolled, his back cracking into one of the large oval stones and making him wince when it sent a spasm fluttering across his muscles. The smooth greyish stone he’d tumbled into had thankfully given away under his back, surprisingly cushy for a rock, though its face was now caked with deep running cracks that spread all across its surface. He sat up slowly with a groan, feeling his back begin to ache again like it had that morning when he’d awoken in his bed.
“Stupid rubber asshole-“ He growled under his breath as he felt his back muscles spasm and tighten of their own accord. He continued to grumble like that now under his breath as he began to reach for his toes, bending forward at the hips in an attempt to alleviate the discomfort with a deep stretch. His swords knocked against the cracked stone behind him over and over as he moved through a few more slow stretches and at one point he paused to clear his ear out.
There was a sound that kept interrupting his concentration, like a high pitched chirping tone that would go silent every time he stopped to try and listen, so he assumed it was just something knocked loose in his ear, no thanks to Luffy’s roughhousing. But the peeping sound was growing in its frequency now, and he stopped stretching when he realized that the cracked stone behind him was the source.
He turned slowly, his teeth grit as his back continued to complain about Luffy, and saw that the large gray rock was pulsing with small, erratic movements. He pressed the palm of his hand to the hard surface and was surprised to feel that it was actually very warm, just as it pulsed again and he realized very suddenly that it was not a stone he’d knocked into at all, but some sort of colossal grey egg. He looked around now and realized that he’d in fact, landed in the center of a nest chock full of these Franky sized eggs, though thankfully it seemed like he’d only disturbed the one.
He knocked on the shell now and spoke up gruffly.
“Oi. I think you’re coming out early -my bad.” He paused, unsure of how to apologize to a hatching egg with who knew what inside. “Just keep fighting and you’ll be outta there in no time. Your parents should be back soon and I promise I’ll leave -but if they try to eat me I’m gonna slice them up.”
A large peep answered him from the depths of the shell as it rumbled beneath his knuckles and a moment later a large webbed foot came bursting free, followed by a spray of amniotic fluid and egg goop as it split completely down the middle and a massive, wet duckling flopped out onto his lap with a splatter. Zoro’s jaw had dropped and his face was covered with goop, along with the rest of his body as the huge yellow duckling trembled and lifted its huge head for a moment, only to let it drop back down onto his shoulder, clearly exhausted from the effort as it peeped miserably. He awkwardly patted it on its soaked little head and carefully moved the infant back down onto his lap instead.
“Uh. Happy birthday.” He laid his hand on the wide brow, his own eyebrows still practically hidden in his hairline from the surprise of it all. “You did good kid, sorry again uh…For…Waking you up early?” He wasn’t really sure what to do now, this big heavy duckling the size of a dingy was still sprawled out across his lap, trembling and squeaking as it dried off and recovered and it was entirely his fault it was suffering. His back still felt awful tight and he couldn’t sense any other animals in the area, so after a moment of consideration, he simply opted to remain where he was, at least until he could be sure the huge baby wasn’t going to die because of his interference. It was the least he could do. The duckling let out another peep, this one long and languished and for a moment Zoro grit his teeth, wondering if he might be able to track Chopper down and bring him back before the new little creature died because of him.
A large brown eye suddenly peeled open and landed on Zoro, a frightened and sorrowful gaze as the duckling opened its eyes for the very first time. After a moment of intense eye contact, the big baby let out a proper quack and lifted its head to drop it back onto Zoro’s shoulder instead, making him grunt from the weight of it as it knocked him back into laying down with the sheer size of it.
“Alright it's okay, you don’t gotta climb on top of me.” Zoro groused even as he allowed the baby to snuggle in closer to him when a breeze cut through the nest, making him and the infant shiver. “You’re lucky that I’m feeling guilty.” He wrapped his arms around its heavy neck and just decided to let this happen, the damp duckling taking a nap in his arms and borrowing his body heat as it dried off. There weren’t any sticks or rocks digging into his back like this, and despite how prickly the nest had looked from above, it was actually pretty comfortable where he lay, so pragmatic as always, he decided he might as well nap as well. He wouldn’t leave the baby until he was certain it was going to survive in spite of his intrusion into its short little life.
Zoro estimated that barely an hour had passed when he suddenly had something heavy and warm bonking down onto his forehead repeatedly. Squinting his lone eye open he realized it was a flat orange beak the size of a shovel, bonking him again in the middle of his forehead, clearly vying for his attention as it was followed by a loud peep. The duckling had completely dried off and Zoro was now completely covered by a fluffy yellow mass of feathers. The big baby honked when it realized Zoro was awake and immediately redoubled its efforts to bother him, shoving his large head into his neck, the wide bill opening slightly to nibble at his ear. He took his time to carefully, but firmly shove the big thing off of him at last, stretching out and grimacing as his back twinged again, still just as tight as before. The duckling immediately tried crowding into his space again as he climbed to his feet.
“Alright already, I’m up. I heard you.” It honked again, towering over him by at least two feet as it stood up as well, wobbling a bit where it stood before him. He looked up into its huge, innocent face and grinned. “Look at you! You look much better than before, strong even. Glad you turned out alright.”
The big bird let out a series of high pitched peeps, shoving its face into Zoro’s arms and making the swordsman snort in amusement.
“I guess you are technically a baby. But you already look like you can take care of yourself.” The duckling nipped at his hair now and he gently redirected it away with a gentle pat to the side of its neck. “I’m gonna head out now that I know you’re okay. I’ll tell my doctor about you, maybe if we have time we can come visit again just to be sure you’re alright.”
He held the duckling at arms length as he inspected the high walls of the massive nest before picking his route of escape, moving between two more of the oversized eggs and climbing up the pile of broken tree limbs and heavy logs that made up the perimeter. As soon as he was at shoulder height, he felt a tugging on the back of his shirt and paused in his climb. The duckling stood right behind him with a mouthful of his shirt in its beak as it pulled at him. He waved an arm at it, putting a hand on its forehead and firmly pushing it away before climbing again, pausing when this time the bird had grabbed a hold of his pant leg, doing its best to tug him back down into the nest.
“Knock it off. I’m not staying with you.”
The duckling squawked at him as he shook it off again and climbed to the top. He glanced back to see the duckling now attempting to follow him out of the nest, its large webbed feet scrabbling for a grip but failing over and over until it gave him a forlorn look accompanied with a long, mournful peep.
“Good.” Zoro harrumphed as he looked down at the giant baby. “You’re meant to stay here so just relax, your momma will know what to do when she gets back so just take another nap til she comes home.”
The bird let out an indignant squeal, high pitched and clearly distressed but he ignored it this time and turned to peer at the surrounding jungle, having long forgotten which direction he’d even come from considering he’d done most of his travelling through the air. After a moment of deliberation he gave up on trying to navigate and simply set out in some random direction, certain that he’d eventually hit the coast. The island wasn’t terribly big judging from what he’d overheard from Nami earlier, and it shouldn’t take him more than a day to reach a beach. After that he could just follow the coast until he inevitably found the Sunny again, it had worked for him before on multiple occasions and he couldn’t imagine why it wouldn’t work now.
He rested his hands on his hips as he walked, bending to the sides so he could stretch as he moved through the trees, marching along at a casual pace as he checked his surroundings constantly in hopes for a glimpse of sand between the overgrowths. He really had to pay Luffy back for tossing him around so much lately, -and- as he felt his back spasming unpleasantly with his stretches, maybe he’d go ahead and tell Chopper about it. The doctor probably had some miracle goo that would make his muscles feel good as new. Then he’d push Luffy off the ship as payback for the indignity of needing to visit the doctor.
He chuckled to himself under his breath as he imagined his revenge, only stopping when he heard a very distressed peeping suddenly pick up right behind him. A moment later he was getting bowled over, knocked down completely by a solid wall of fluffy feathers as the duckling toppled right on top of him, peeping and squeaking in distress as it shoved its face right into his and began poking at him. He rolled over in disbelief to see that the baby bird had somehow escaped the nest and followed him into the jungle.
“What the hell are you doing here?!” He pushed the bird off him so he could get up, but it just kept shoving at him and squawking. “Go home baby! You’re not supposed to follow me! Get out of here!”
The duckling looked up at him with its wide, doleful brown eyes, and to his utmost horror they began to fill with bonafide tears as the giant baby began bawling its little heart out, peeping and squeaking, all the while attempting to smother Zoro completely in its downy feathers.
“Look, that’s not what I meant-“ Zoro’s hands shot up in surrender as he backtracked quickly. “I mean that you were already home, if you start wandering around like this, you’ll get lost and something might eat you. You’re safest back in your nest waiting for your momma to come home, don’t you wanna meet her and all your brothers and sisters?”
The big duckling visibly pouted, sniffling as it stopped crying and merely shoved its face back into Zoro’s chest like it wanted to crawl in there. The swordsman looked back over the bird’s huge body towards the jungle, dismayed to realize he didn’t recognize any of it and had no clue where the nest was.
“Aww damnnit.” he groused. “I guess just stick with me then and we’ll turn around and take you home -but that’s it!” He concludes. “When we get there you gotta stay put.”
The bird gave him a wavering look before attempting, once more, to climb on top of him. Annoyed but certain he never wanted to hear a baby duck cry again because of him, he gently pushed it off him and began stomping off in the direction he was certain he’d come from before, the big, crybaby duckling a half step behind him and constantly nipping at his shirt or trying to burrow its beak into his hair.
“If you keep doing that we’ll never find our way back before dark.” He groused as he shoved through another bush, only to find more identical trees all lined up before him. The huge duckling let out a whine and then turned to the floor, nosing through the moss with his beak fretfully. “What, you hungry? Bet your mom would have food for you if you’d just go home already.”
The duckling gave him a forlorn look before tumbling around to get in front of Zoro again to make the swordsman stop in his tracks. Zoro frowned as the massive baby looked at him miserably.
“Wait, crap. Are you hungry?” The duckling stared at him with its big, wavering eyes and Zoro cast around with his own now, searching the ground. “What do ducks even eat? What do baby ducks eat? Vivi’s duck ate everything the cook gave it, but Curly’s not here to make you a feast…hmmmm.”
He spotted a bush nearby covered in brightly colored berries and made his way over to them. They weren’t familiar so he took a leaf out of the cooks book and twisted off a few of the fruit to roll around in his hand. The duckling whined and peeped miserably while they waited, but after a few minutes, there was no adverse effect to Zoro’s skin, no itchy rash developing, so he moved to the next step in testing and rubbed the berries against his mouth. The duckling attempted to steal them right from his hand but he used the other to keep the huge bird at bay, shaking his head.
“Not yet buddy, just wait. We gotta see if it makes my lips burn or something. This is how we test to see if we can eat them safely or not. That’s what Curly said you had to do when trying a new food in the wild.” His lips didn’t start to tingle or swell, so after a few more minutes he popped a berry into his mouth and repeated the test, holding it in his cheek and waiting for any adverse reactions.
Satisfied at last, he finally properly ate a handful. They were tart and sweet, something Chopper would certainly like in a pastry. The duckling whined again and now attempted to snap up berries straight from the bush as well but Zoro kept holding him off.
“Just wait. If it’s poisonous, I’ll die and then we’ll know you shouldn’t eat them. Just be a little patient.” The duckling began bawling again the moment Zoro mentioned his potential demise and the swordsman let out a long, stressful groan as the bird started trying instead to climb on top of him again for comfort. He wrapped his arms around its big head once more as best he could and started petting it, doing the utmost he could think of to soothe the gigantic baby that he’d managed to upset again.
“Hey hey I’m way too tough to actually die from berries, but you’re literally like, three hours old. I just don’t want you to get sick alright?” He stood there for a while, this massive great fluff trying its hardest to merge bodies with him while they waited out Zoro’s final poison test. After a few more minutes of absolutely nothing happening, Zoro reach behind him blindly to grab a handful of the berries and shoving them under the duckling’s shovel-like beak. “Here! They’re safe okay, so you can eat them now!!”
The poor bird looked from the berries, back to Zoro with a wary look until the swordsman gave an encouraging nod. Then without more fussing the bird gobbled them up, immediately stepping away from Zoro now to begin ransacking the bush, guzzling down every last berry he could get his little bill on. Zoro breathed a sigh of relief, Patting the duckling’s wide side gently as he ate to his heart’s content.
“They’re good, yeah? You gotta always check to see if something’s poisonous first okay? If you got sick, you’d be miserable.”
The duckling let out a proper quack in obvious agreement before returning to the bush to keep devouring every berry in sight. It was an awfully large duckling, Zoro thought as it picked the bush completely clean. He probably had to eat a lot being the size he was, and being born and then chasing after Zoro right away had most likely been exhausting for a brand new life.
“Your mom probably eats a shit ton too.” He concluded as the duckling finished off the bush and immediately turned to nose at Zoro’s shirt, smearing red stains all across his chest as it nuzzled at him. “She’ll be able to teach you how to hunt properly for…worms? Do ducks eat worms?” The bird chirped at him. “Does this island have giant worms for you? That’d be convenient.”
His shirt was ruined with bright red stains but he wasn’t bothered by it, instead running a hand up and down the duckling’s plushy soft neck with a smile.
“You’re a good kid. Your momma is probably worried about you y’know. Let’s keep going. If you get hungry again, then I guess we could take a break and find another one of these bushes for you.”
He started walking again and the duckling was right on his tail, towering over him and chirping and letting out his little peeps with every wobbly step. They kept up their march for a while, Zoro constantly scanning the jungle for any signs of the nest, or perhaps the beach, but they only saw more and more trees and brush in every direction. Eventually after about an hour or so of disappointed wandering, the giant baby bird began to whine again, lagging behind as its steps trembled and slowed until it finally collapsed down onto the ground with a pitiful squeak, making Zoro pause to check on him.
The poor thing looked exhausted as he came back around to pet at its head again in sympathy.
“Sorry kid, you’re so big I keep forgetting how young you actually are. You need a little break here for a while?” The duckling quacked pathetically, its downy wings flapping at its sides before flumping back down to the floor as it let off a soft trilling sound. Zoro realized very quickly that the new sound it was making was actually a snore, the baby bird having fallen right to sleep the moment it knew Zoro had stopped to wait for it. The swordsman frowned as he looked around at the forest surrounding them.
At this pace they’d never find the nest before dark, and Zoro’d be in trouble with the witch for ruining her timetable of their departure. It couldn’t be helped though, he felt particularly responsible for accidentally luring the infant away from its home and he was duty bound to make sure it got back to its family safely. Nami would be understanding -if she gave him a chance to explain the situation to her properly. The cook would do the same, given the circumstances, they just needed to give him a chance to explain himself.
He eased himself down onto the ground with a grunt, taking a seat next to the giant duckling who immediately, even as it snored, began snuggling closer to him, no doubt drawn in by his body heat. He decided to not worry about Nami for now and just leaned back up against the downy soft birdling, closing his eyes to take another nap while he waited for it to get its strength back up.
Tragically, Zoro’s latest nap was interrupted just like all the others he’d attempted to snag that day. He could tell that the afternoon had grown late and the temperature had certainly dropped by quite a bit in the shade of the trees. But it wasn’t the change in temperature that had woken him up, but his haki suddenly warning him of danger, along with the frantic, high pitched peeps and fearful screeches that had suddenly started up, loud and right beside him, along with a terribly noisy scrabbling sound.
His eye slipped open and a moment later he was rolling up onto his feet in alarm, pulling a sword out in the same motion. A massive snake, the length of the Sunny itself, with scales glittering like the sea had descended on the sleeping pair and was currently coiling itself round and round his fluffy young charge. The duckling was quacking and chirping in fear as it was getting twisted up by the muscular serpent, even as the bird pecked ferociously at the snake, biting down powerfully enough to remove great chunks with every nip.
That is, until the serpent at last began to squeeze, cutting off the baby bird’s terrified cries with a sudden attempted contraction of its heavy body. It didn’t seem to work though, the snake hissing and blinking stupidly for a moment as it tried again, to squeeze the life out of its young prey. That second attempt to strangle the infant suddenly had the serpent falling apart, the entire length of it cut into dozens of pieces, equally sized, the animal hadn’t even realized it was dead yet when it had tried and its own attempt to move was what caused the whole thing to fall apart.
Zoro was already frantically pulling the duckling free from the massacre, the poor thing thankfully crying out loudly in terror again instead of the horrible silence from before as he sheathed his sword quickly and lifted it up into his arms awkwardly to remove it from the piles of twitching, steaming snake gore.
“Hey! You’re okay! You’re okay!” He tried to calm it down but the duckling was wailing again, wriggling in his arms and sobbing its little heart out as he did his best to carefully carry it over to a clear area to put it down gently on its shaking feet. “You’re alright, you don’t have to cry -I’m sorry that was so scary.”
The bird just kept squalling loudly, its heartbreaking shrieks of fear echoing loudly in the jungle as he tried to calm the giant thing down.
“Everything’s alright! He just snuck up on us is all -I told you you’d be safer in your nest!” The duckling immediately turned to him and began squawking in his face before burrowing its own into his torso with the force of a battering ram, knocking the wind clean out of him and taking him down to the ground where the duckling now was apparently attempting to climb inside of him to hide. “Hey! Easy! You’re safe now-“ He wheezed as it sat on him and continued to drive its bill into his neck and chest. “Kid you’re gonna squash me if you keep this up -just calm down, everything’s alright-“
With no other options coming to mind as the giant infant continued to wail on top of him, he simply wrapped his arms around it as much as he could and gave the duckling a hug, rubbing its back and stroking its feathers gently as he continued to talk it down from its terrible fright.
“You did good baby, I saw you biting him -you were real tough and gave him a good fight. I wouldn’t be surprised if you could take a snake that big on your own when you grow up. You’re a good boy. I’m sorry I didn’t notice it faster, I’m sorry.”
They stayed that way for a while, the duckling still crying and squeaking loudly and the guilt eating Zoro alive for letting his guard down so much when he had promised to keep the baby safe. His haki had only warned him once the duckling was in danger -the snake had never been a danger to himself, so it hadn’t bothered warning him before of its approach.
Eventually the duckling seemed to settle down, though it seemed more adamant than ever to try and clamber all over Zoro, going so far as to shove its whole head up under his shirt, immediately stretching out the fabric and ruining it, but he didn’t give a damn. He let it burrow in there and with careful hands, began running his fingers through the downy soft feathers, poking at the warm body beneath them and praying he wouldn’t find any injuries from the near fatal attack. The yellow duckling seemed to calm even more at his ministrations, so after thoroughly inspecting it with his hands and finding no broken bones or tender spots, he just kept doing it, anything to keep the child from crying again.
“Ah! Luffy -there he is!” A familiar voice suddenly cut through the forest, making Zoro’s head jerk up to search for the source as his captain’s whooping and hollering suddenly began to echo around them. The duckling was immediately on edge again, his head popping out from Zoro’s shirt momentarily before he let out a single squeak of fear and shoved his face back under, his small, undeveloped wings flapping all over the place hysterically as he tried to stuff his entire huge body now underneath Zoro’s shirt.
“Aaahhh - what’s that?! A big bird?! It’s trying to eat him!” Chopper’s voice rang out again, sounding fearful now as it pitched up higher and flustering the duckling even more. “Zoro’s shirt’s all bloody! Luffy! It’s already killing him!!”
“Zorooo! I’ll save youuu!” Luffy’s voice sounded closer now as the swordsman immediately began trying to wave them off with one hand, the other busy furiously petting the duckling as it began to wail under his shirt once more. Not a second later his captain and Chopper came racing towards him through the trees. To his sudden horror, Luffy looked like he was gearing up to punch the bird into its next life, an angry look on his face as he saw his swordsman clearly struggling on the ground with the big monster sized bird on top of him.
“Luffy! Don’t! It’s a baby!!” He bellowed in warning, wrestling his way up to put himself between his angry captain and the duckling, keeping an arm around its neck while holding up the other to stop his captain. “He’s not doing anything you guys are just scaring him so stop yelling! And don’t you dare hit him!”
Luffy’s face changed from anger to a confused tilt of the head as they arrived at last, dropping his fist as Zoro turned back now to try and calm the bird down.
“You’re okay, it’s okay baby! These are my friends, they’re not here to hurt you or anything-“
Chopper was in his running point, his wide eyes flickering back and forth between Zoro and the huge bird.
“A baby bird?” The little doctor asked now before snuffling along the ground and looking over with a grimace at the mutilated snake carcass a few meters away. “What’re you doing with a giant baby bird Zoro?”
“It’s a duck.” He answered absently, still petting the poor thing and trying to calm it down. “I landed in their nest and accidentally made him come out of his egg early, and then he followed me out here. I’m trying to get him back home.”
Luffy moved closer now in clear interest, before laughing suddenly.
“So you been babysitting this duck the whole afternoon?” He giggled while Zoro looked less than happy.
“Yes. It was my fault he followed me out of his nest, I had to make sure I got him back safely, but he literally, literally, just hatched a few hours ago. It’s been taking us a while to get him back.”
The duckling was peeping now, his head still stuffed underneath Zoro’s shirt as Chopper’s head tilted to the side curiously, his eyes growing teary and emotional.
“Aww, he’s crying for his mama. Zoro, infants this young are very fragile and vulnerable! And you’ve been taking care of him this whole time?” He sounded almost incredulous at the idea of it, making Zoro scoff in offense.
“Ever since he was born actually -when I landed -after Luffy threw me again- I accidentally broke his shell and he’s been doing this ever since!”
He gestured now at the infant’s latest attempts to climb on top of Zoro in a clear bid for comfort as Luffy laughed again.
“Zoro! I didn’t know you were a good babysitter!”
“Tch, shows how much you know -I’m great with babies.”
“Shishishi apparently -that big crybaby loves you!”
Chopper cleared his throat now and very abruptly changed to his brain point, tiptoeing closer now as the duckling peeked a big brown eye out at him. The doctor waved up at his face.
“Hello little one! I’m Chopper, I’m a doctor! Since you were born early, would you be okay with letting me examine you? To make sure you are all okay? I bet your mama is very worried about you.”
The duckling pouted before letting out a short chirruping noise and turning away to burrow its face back into Zoro’s chest again as Chopper’s eyes suddenly grew as wide as saucers.
“Oh.”
Zoro immediately picked up on Chopper’s strange reaction, wrapping his arms back around the duckling protectively.
“What Chopper? What is it?”
Chopper looked from the duckling, back to Zoro, then back to the baby again before he nodded his head as though in understanding.
“I see. That’s why he followed you out of his nest.” He turned back to the swordsman. “Zoro. Were you the first living thing that he saw when he was born?”
Zoro raised an eyebrow. “Yes? The rest were all still eggs and his mom wasn’t around.”
Chopper nodded again.
“I see. Then that clears things up. He’s calling for his mama, so just keep trying to comfort him for now until he calms down a little more.”
“Is there something wrong with him?” Dread was starting to gnaw at Zoro’s belly, he was worrying that maybe the duckling had told Chopper that he was hurt somewhere internally after the snake. “Does he need a surgery or medicine or something?!”
“What?! No!” Chopper waved off his concerns quickly. “He just needs his mama so just keep cuddling him for now while I try to remember where we saw those big bird nests.”
“They were somewhere over in that direction.” Luffy pointed out helpfully, pointing towards the east. “I saw them when I launched us over here to try and catch up to Zoro.”
“The baby-“ Zoro growled now through clenched teeth, his nerves starting to fray with Chopper’s lack of a proper answer. “Is something wrong with him?! If there is, we need to fix him right away, it’s my fault if something’s happened to him!”
“Oh there’s nothing wrong with him, he’s just a baby and a little confused.” Chopper answered plainly. “He says you’re his mama, so just keep calming him down and then we can go find his nest.”
“Hah?” Zoro’s face scrunched up in confusion. “He what?”
“Ducklings imprint on the first living thing they see when they are born-“ Chopper said smartly, “You, Zoro, were the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes so he imprinted on you and believes that you are his mother. That’s why he followed you out of the nest, that’s why he’s crying and trying to hide with you. To him, you are mama. The one who is supposed to feed and protect and raise him.”
Zoro’s jaw dropped as the reindeer continued casually. “An easy enough mistake for an infant to make. We just need to get him to his real mother and she’ll be able to sort it out.”
The silence for a moment was deafening, then the duckling let out a loud, indignant peep and pulled its head clear of Zoro’s shirt at last to stare at Luffy and Chopper suspiciously before shoving its big fluffy face back into its favorite spot in Zoro’s neck, snuggling in as close as it could as it chirruped and seemed to settle down, no longer afraid of the newcomers. Zoro, meanwhile, had gone bright red in the face, but hadn’t stopped petting the infant all the while.
“He thinks I’m his-“
“Mama, yes. He’s been calling you that the whole time we’ve been here.”
“But I’m a guy.”
Chopper shrugged as he came closer now to put his hooves gently on the duckling’s huge leg, running them up and down to feel for any injuries.
“I don’t think he’s old enough to understand there’s a difference yet. Like you said, he’s only a few hours old.”
“But he’s a duck. We look nothing alike!”
Chopper snorted.
“He probably thinks he looks exactly like you. He’s never seen one of his own kind before, which is why we gotta get him back to his real mama so she can explain things better to him.”
“I’m not his mama!”
The duckling quacked, its head jerking up so it could give Zoro a baleful look as Chopper shushed him crossly now.
“Don’t say that right now! You could upset him and like I said, he’s delicate!”
Luffy suddenly fell to the ground, making the duck and doctor both jump as he outright howled with laughter.
“Zoro’s…a mommy now!!!” Luffy was rolling around in the dirt, positively wheezing with mirth as Zoro’s face grew redder. “What’s that thing Brook is always saying when he sees moms that makes Sanji so mad??!! Milf! Zoro’s a MILF nowww!” He was choking from laughing so hard now, clutching at his chest as he kicked gleefully and cackled. “I’m gonna throw up! This is the best thing ever!!”
Zoro picked up his baby and stomped over to Luffy before kicking him hard in the side, sending their captain flailing through the air to knock against a tree roughly, still choking on his own laughter and kicking his feet wildly.
“Milf!! Zoro’s a Milf! Wait’ll the guys hear this!!”
“I’m gonna drown you, Rubber.” Zoro promised evilly as he set the big duckling back down so Chopper could keep examining him. “Soon as we drop off the kid with his mom -you’re a dead man.”
“If Zoro’s the mama, then I guess that makes Sanji the daddy.” Chopper added unhelpfully, making Luffy break out into fresh peals of laughter.
“Dilf! Sanji’s a Dilf now because of Zoro!! We’ll need to build them a nest in their cabin, with lots of twigs and fluff so their baby will be happy, they have to take family photos, ooh -matching sweaters! One that says MILF, one that says DILF, and one that says Baby.”
Zoro would have gone after their captain again at this point, this time with his swords, but the duckling began letting out long distressed peeps again, so he turned away from Luffy’s annoying antics and gave the duckling the attention it wanted, bringing his hands up to scrub along the sides of its face and fluff up its feathers a bit more nicely.
“You’re okay kid, don’t be afraid of him -he’s just noisy and annoying.” He stuck his nose up at Luffy, a sneer on his face to try and counteract his blush that still hadn’t burned down. “Curly’d make a great Dilf so I don’t see what the problem is here.”
“Hey Zoro did you ever give him a name?” Chopper asked suddenly, dragging the swordsman’s attention away from his charge for a moment before he shrugged.
“Uh, no. I didn’t think ducks got names, so I’ve kinda just been calling him whatever.”
The duckling chirruped loudly.
“He says his name is Baby.” The duckling quacked now proudly. “Says that’s what you named him.”
Zoro sputtered.
“I didn’t -He’s a baby! So I called him baby! Cause I didn’t know his name!”
“Well you do now, cause he took the one you gave him. Baby. You have a baby, that you named Baby. Not very creative Zoro.”
“I didn’t know I was naming him!” Zoro said somewhat hysterically as Choppr finally broke and started giggling as well while Luffy continued to cackle behind them.
“Don’t worry, the name might stick but I promise-“ Chopper patted his leg in a comforting manner. “Soon as he smells his real mother he won’t think it’s you anymore.”
Zoro trailed along behind Luffy and Chopper as they apparently led the way back to the cluster of oversized nests they had spotted on their hunt for the missing swordsman. Luffy was lugging along a particularly large segment of Zoro’s huge murdered snake and regaling his swordsman with tales of their adventures trying to track him down.
“And the giant boar was actually really friendly when Usopp and Franky pulled the big thorn out of his butt, so they told me I couldn’t hunt him for dinner, and that’s when we ran into Nami-” He pouted, as though remembering a great hardship. “She got really mad at me for losing you, so she said no hunting allowed until I brought you home. Not as angry as I thought she’d be -but still pretty grumpy about it.”
“She said if we didn’t get you back to the ship in time, that she’d send Sanji to come collect Luffy’s bounty for her.” Chopper added solemnly as he plodded alongside Zoro and his giant, feathery, misguided child. “So we’ve been focused on looking for you ever since.”
Zoro grunted, only half paying attention to their constant chatter as he focused instead on the great big duckling waddling along beside him. It seemed to be walking more confidently than before, and he’d been relieved to hearChopper’s reassurances that the baby was uninjured. Despite their big scare with the snake, Zoro was going to get the infant home to its proper mother. He only hoped that what Chopper said was true and that the moment the infant picked up his real mom’s scent, he’d forget all about the swordsman and stay where he was supposed to. In the meantime he’d stop slacking off and protect the baby at all times until he’d delivered it home.
“Y’know Zoro…” Luffy interrupted his thoughts suddenly with a sly grin. “If you really really love him, you can just keep him and we’ll bring him with us! I bet when he grows up he’ll be real strong and good at flying! You could fly on his back, ooh and Franky could give him machine guns, and he could also carry a sword in his beak -that would be so cool to see!! So we’re keeping your baby right? Right??! He’s joining the crew?!!”
Zoro scoffed at him, rolling his eye dramatically.
“He’s a baby, Luffy. Too young to join the damn crew and way too fragile. Nobody’s giving him a machine gun or a sword. He’s a duck. He’s gonna stay here, and grow up regular, get a duck girlfriend and make a bunch of more giant ducks.”
Luffy pouted. “But he’s your Baby. You’re his mama-”
“For now.” Zoro responded calmly. “I’ll accept my duty as his momma for now, but we’re leaving him with his real family. I’m not gonna kidnap him just because you wanna ride him when he’s bigger.”
The duckling let out a proper quack of agitation, putting on a burst of speed suddenly to lunge at Luffy with his bill, snapping at their captain who leapt out of the way with a laugh as Zoro and Chopper both scowled at him. The duckling proceeded to begin berating Luffy with a huffy series of quacks and chirrups and peeps.
“Stop teasing his momma-” Chopper translated for them as the duckling continued to fuss. “He says you’re making his mama upset and he doesn’t like it and he’ll bite you if you keep doing it. Aww.” Chopper ended on a barely contained coo, earning an eyeroll from Zoro now as well.
“Yeah Lu, quit annoying my baby or I’ll bite you too.”
Luffy huffed and turned back around.
“Vivi has a duck she can ride…”
“You’re not riding Baby.”
“Boooo I thought out of you and Sanji, you’d be the fun parent.”
Baby squawked at Luffy again, attempting another sharp nip before retreating to Zoro’s side where he immediately nuzzled into his shoulder with his heavy head. Zoro patted him on the cheek.
“It’s alright Baby, I won’t let my mean captain bother you anymore.”
“Mean?!” Luffy had the gall to look offended, Zoro stuck his tongue out at him, and then suddenly all three strawhats were laughing when the huge duckling imitated him, sticking its large pink tongue out at Luffy as well.
“Heeheehee, he’s a fast learner.” Chopper giggled. They continued that way as the sun began to lower steadily over the horizon, Zoro making faces now and Baby, to their immense amusement, imitating them. It was only when Baby started lagging and clearly growing tired again that they finally broke through the trees. Before them was the clearing that Zoro had landed in, with several massive nests clustered together.
“Oh. And that’s probably his real mama!” Chopper pointed ahead excitedly to the only occupied nest in the center of the trampled field. A massive green headed mallard was nosing around her nest, honking loudly in distress as she seemed to be going in circles, looking from egg to egg, to then glance down at the shattered shell on the floor and then go back to the other eggs. “It looks like she’s counting her babies and knows one is missing.”
Baby seemed to be wary as they crossed the field, staring at the giant duck nervously before moving to duck behind Zoro to hide as best he could, a pitiful attempt considering that even while ducked down, he was still painfully huge and visible. He shoved his head back into Zoro’s shirt and peeked out through the ruined neck hole as Zoro patted his head.
“It’s okay Baby, that’s your momma. Your actual momma.”
The huge mallard finally noticed them approaching and began to puff up angrily, opening her wings wide as the sails of the Sunny and hissing loudly as Chopper ran to the front waving his arms at her to garner her attention.
“We’re not here to hunt you! Listen! One of your babies accidentally hatched early and imprinted in our friend! We’re just bringing him back home to you!”
She seemed to pause in her anger, looking back down at her clutch of eggs before her eyes locked onto Baby who was still trying to hide behind Zoro, the duckling cheeped and chirped in distress as Zoro led him closer, keeping his hand on the baby’s head to soothe him.
“Hey mama bird! This is yours. Sorry for all the confusion, I didn’t know he’d follow me after I fell into your nest, but I brought him back safe and sound.”
He nudged Baby now with his hand, pushing the duckling’s head carefully out from his ruined shirt so he was completely visible.
“Go on Baby. Don’t be scared. Go over to her, she’s your momma.”
Baby looked down at him with woeful, teary eyes and he frowned now.
“I’m not your mama. She is. You were just a little mixed up cause you came out too soon. I’m sorry I didn’t realize sooner.”
Baby let out a pitiful quack, one that was answered immediately by his mother who Chopper was listening to intently.
“She says thank you for bringing her baby back.” The doctor translated the loud squawking. “She was certain someone had stolen him and gobbled him up.”
“Well, I didn’t let that happen.” Zoro answered gruffly as he led Baby over to the nest. Soon as he was within reach, the massive mama duck leaned over and plucked Baby clean off the ground and placed him down in the center of the nest, nuzzling at him and chirruping loudly as the duckling looked back up at Zoro with those big teary eyes. “Aw c’mon Baby. Look at her! She’s just like you.”
The duckling began to cry loudly and Zoro winced as his actual mother began nudging at him in an attempt to comfort the baby. He turned to his crewmates.
“You two just stay back here for a minute.”
Luffy gave him a thumbs up while Chopper nodded and Zoro quickly scaled the edge of the nest and slid back down into it. Immediately he was set upon by Baby, who attempted to shove himself back under Zoro’s shirt. Zoro stroked the sides of his neck and looked up at the huge bird towering over the both of them and pointed.
“He likes to be held close like this.” He wrapped his arms around the ducklings neck to show her. “He likes to eat berries and I’m pretty sure he’s afraid of snakes now, sorry about that.”
He turned back to Baby, catching the ducklings eye with a steady look.
“You have to stay here now. Okay Baby? You’re a good kid and you’re gonna grow up big and strong like your real momma. But only if you stay here with her where she can teach you how.”
He peeled off his ruined shirt and dropped it onto the nest’s cushy floor. The duckling instantly plucked it up into his beak to hold.
“You can keep that alright? If it’ll make you feel better. Now I gotta go. Be good for your mom.”
He turned around and quickly climbed back out of the nest, his face tight as the duckling began wailing loudly, a heartbreaking cry that was muffled quickly as his mother swooped in to take Zoro’s place, immediately tucking the baby under her wing and cuddling him close. When Zoro climbed over the threshold of the nest he was appalled to see that Luffy and Chopper were clinging to each other and openly weeping.
“The hell’s wrong with you two?!”
“That was beautiful Zoroooo!!” Chopper wailed now, hugging Luffy tightly as his eyes streamed. “You’re such a good mama!”
“You gave him back even though we know you wanted to keep him!!” Luffy sobbed into Chopper’s fur. “Zoro’s a great mama bird!”
Zoro could feel his face heating up again.
“Will you two knock it off?! It’s bad enough that the kid’s crying! Chopper you said once he smelled her he’d know that’s his real mom!”
“He knows-“ Chopper sobbed. “He’s just really gonna miss you!!”
Zoro felt his throat tighten up.
“He’s gonna be okay. That’s what’s important.”
Then he turned back to the jungle and began to stomp off and the two clowns he called crewmates had to quickly pull themselves together to go chasing after him when he started walking off in the wrong direction.
“Who knew our swordsman carried such strong, maternal instincts?!” Brook wailed, clutching as his chest as Luffy, Chopper and Zoro finished filling the crew in on Zoro’s accidental misadventure that afternoon. “Why, if I had a heart, it would simply be breaking in two!”
“Of course Zoro would be a good parent-“ Usopp sniffled before loudly blowing his nose into a rag, honking like one of the giant ducks on the island. “He looks tough but everyone knows how soft he is on the inside!!”
“Oi!!” Zoro shot him a look of utter betrayal across the table.
Practically the entire crew was in tears at dinner that night over the story.
“Well, since it wasn’t your fault we wound up delaying our departure, I guess I won’t charge you the usual late fee…” Nami groused as she surreptitiously wiped at the corner of her eye. “Zoro, you did the right thing trying to get him back home where he belonged.” She reeled around now to slam her fist into the back of Luffy’s hand where it had been creeping across the table towards her plate.
“As for you, Rubber -you realize this whole thing was your fault for roughhousing! That poor baby hatched too early cause you threw Zoro again! Stop throwing people!!”
“Aww but it’s so funny-“ Luffy whined loudly even as he stuffed his fork back into his mouth. “You guys always make the funniest faces-“
“Really, it’s so beautiful that Zobro got this experience today!” Franky was scrubbing the back of his arm across his eyes and sniveling obnoxiously. “Owww!! Our swordbro’s noble through and through! Took care of the baby when he didn’t have to, and even got him home to his mama at last! Dudes, I think I’m gonna cry again!!”
“Could you not.” Zoro replied with a grumble, poking at his dinner on the plate in front of him. “I had to. That was the whole point.”
“And Baby was soooo cute!” Chopper added enthusiastically now as he stuffed spaghetti into his maw. “Even though he was so big. He was just, a big baby. All fluffy and yellow and soft and sweet. Like Zoro said, he’s a good boy and he’s gonna grow up big and strong. Robin, you would’ve loved him too.”
“I don’t doubt it.” She mused lightly, twirling her fork in her own pasta as Sanji lowered himself into the seat beside her, putting his chin in his hand and leaning on the table with a winsome grin.
“Roaming around and attempting to adopt anonymous children Moss,” Sanji smirked. “-is there some sort of subliminal message that you’re trying to get across to me?” The rest of the crew laughed as Zoro shot the cook a hot glare before returning his gaze to his dinner in front of him. He took a bite, then gave the cook a shrug.
“S’not very subliminal I guess. I’m just naturally better than you at everything, including I guess, parenting.” He kept eating like he’d said nothing as the cook’s face began to redden with a glowing fury. “Kids just flock to me -meanwhile last time I saw you holding a baby, you both looked ready to shit your pants. But y’know, the baby had an excuse.”
Sanji slammed up from the table, glaring hotly at the swordsman before hissing out in an acerbic tone.
“Moss…Outside. Now.”’
Zoro looked particularly pleased with himself as he shoved his last bite into his mouth and wiped the back of his arm across his face, staining the sleeve of his newest shirt and instantly ruining it.
“Sure. It’s about time your maternal instincts kicked in and you gave me that massage you promised.”
He slipped out the door just in time to dodge Sanji’s flaming kick to his face, a laugh on his lips as the cook seethed.
“I didn’t promise you squat! And I don’t have maternal instincts! I’m a man!”
“It takes a real man to be a mother, Cook.”
“Shut up! Idiot! That makes zero sense!”
“It makes perfect sense -you’ll understand when you become a parent.”
“I’m literally going to set you on fire this time Mosshead, I really mean it! I hope your shitty back feels better because I’m about to snap you in half!!”
“Tch -I’ll believe it when I see it!”