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Hotsuma didn’t realise that Shusei had stormed off after their little spat because he was too busy threatening Luka with strangulation. It was when everyone (well just him really) had calmed down that he noticed Shusei wasn’t there.
He slipped out of the room when everyone had gone back to chatting happily. He headed up the creaky, main staircase and down the hall to Shusei’s room and cautiously knocked on the door. He knew better than to barge in when Shusei was annoyed at him, it could be a fury to compete with his own.
“Shusei?”
When he didn’t get an answer he slowly opened the door. The room was empty, dark and still. Moonlight spilled through the window, casting shadows everywhere.
Hotsuma wandered over to the bed and lay down on the cool sheets. He would wait until Shusei came back, he needed to check whether he was really mad at him for what he had said.
Hotsuma didn’t mean anything by it, it had never bothered either of them, what had happened in their past lives – they always focused on each other in the now. And he was only joking about the dressing up anyway.
So Hotsuma waited in the dark.
***
Shusei came back from his bath to find Hotsuma (…again) lying on his bed sleeping quite contentedly. Shusei was concerned at how frequent this habit of Hotsuma’s was becoming; he rarely slept in his own room anymore. Hotsuma’s excuses varied from nightmares to saying Shusei’s bed was more comfortable than his and it wasn’t fair.
Shusei sighed and closed the door, not turning on the light. It irked him slightly that he was making an effort to be cautious, for the sake of someone else, in his own bedroom but it Hotsuma, he couldn’t help it.
He sat down cross-legged, on the side of the bed that Hotsuma wasn’t taking up, and stared down at the other’s face.
Shusei scanned over the face he had looked over countless times before; he knew every line and feature but never got tired of looking at him. Hotsuma’s familiar face and attitude were always a comfort whenever times became hard for the Clan – when the fighting resumed once more and another battle began to rage until someone won.
Shusei lightly brushed some stray hairs off Hotsuma’s forehead and stroked his hair back. Hotsuma murmured softly in response to his touch and, almost instinctively, shifted closer to Shusei.
Shusei stroked his golden hair for a few minutes before taking his hand away. He lay down and put his face on the pillow, watching Hotsuma until he too fell asleep.
***
Shusei blinked away the bleariness from his eyes. The sunlight was shining through the window making his glass-topped desk shine. The room felt warm and pleasant. He suddenly noticed there was a weight on his chest. Draped across him was Hotsuma’s arm.
Hotsuma was lying on his stomach, nestled in the space beside Shusei, his face turned the other way. He seemed to still be asleep, breathing steadily.
Shusei’s lips tightened into an irritated smile. “Let go of me.”
Neither of them moved, and then Hotsuma gripped Shusei’s shoulder tighter pulling him closer.
“Let go.”
“Why…” Hotsuma whined into the pillow.
Shusei pried Hotsuma’s fingers off his shoulder and pushed his arm off. “We have to go to school. Hurry up.”
He got up and went to the door, holding it open. Hotsuma sat up, avoiding Shusei’s gaze.
“Are you mad at me for yesterday?”
Hotsuma said it with a slight pout, the one he put on whenever he asked Shusei for something like forgiveness. It reminded Shusei of when they were children. It had been then that Hotsuma realised, Shusei thought begrudgingly, he couldn’t stay mad at him if he did the pout.
He sighed. “No. Now go, I assume you haven’t washed since yesterday, considering you decided to steal my bed. Again.”
Hotsuma let out an indignant huff. “I was waiting for you!”
Shusei scoffed. Hotsuma walked past him and went to get cleaned up as he was told.
***
Shusei had eaten breakfast, all of it, mostly because Hotsuma had been watching him like an incessant hawk. He could feel that Hotsuma was constantly worried about him so he knew if he ate he would put the other slightly at ease. But Shusei did find it easier to eat, ever since they saved him from the duras named Ashley, he still didn’t feel like eating much though, but it was still an improvement.
He wasn’t at all surprised when a couple of minutes after the lunch bell rang at school, Hotsuma burst through the door of his classroom. This happened so frequently none of his classmates even looked up at the younger student anymore.
“Come on.” Hotsuma said sternly, standing over him. His faced was fixed in a frown, clearly irritated by something but that wasn’t really an abnormal aspect of his personality.
Shusei nodded, silently got up from his desk and followed him.
They headed up to the roof, Hotsuma often liked spending lunch (as well as many of his classes) up there. When Hotsuma opened the door that led up to the roof, they were met by the blinding sun. It was deserted. There wasn’t much up there except a few potted plants and random boxes, otherwise it was a bare concrete area surrounded by a metal fence so nobody could fall. No one spent much time up there unless they were avoiding somebody or something.
Hotsuma sat down in his usual spot against the wall a bit further down from where the door opened. Shusei sat in his own spot next to him.
Hotsuma took out two bento boxes from his bag. Shusei knew one of them had been prepared for him by the chef that morning. He also remembered he had intentionally left it behind at the mansion … under one of the lounges.
“How did you find it?” He asked, slightly impressed.
“I know you. Eat.” Hotsuma shoved the box into his hands, an irritated expression still set on his face.
They ate in silence. Only when they were both finished did Hotsuma say something.
“Why don’t you ever wanna eat?”
Shusei shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said struggling to stifle a smile.
“Why’re you smirking?! I’m actually worried about you, you know!” Hotsuma hissed through gritted teeth.
Shusei looked at his frustrated face. “I’m smiling because I like that you worry about me.”
Hotsuma frowned then got up quickly. “Whatever,” he muttered as he headed for the door.
Shusei chuckled softly and followed him.
***
After lunch, Hotsuma felt like he was close to tearing something a part. Whenever he told Shusei he was worried about him, Shusei would always smirk and pull out a line he knew would make Hotsuma uncomfortable enough to just avoid the topic.
Even though they had sorted out a lot after Shusei was attacked, he still didn’t eat that much. Hotsuma knew he was maybe reading too much into it and being a bit over-protective but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t afford the lose notice of how Shusei was feeling again, he had to make sure Shusei would always be okay.
He made it through the rest of the day without shredding anyone or anything to pieces, he was proud of himself for that.
In the afternoon, they all met at the front gates. Luka was waiting for them, and when Touko had called out “Let’s go!” Shusei had hung back.
“I have to go shopping. I’ll get back a little later today.”
“Do you want us to come with you?” Yuki asked kindly.
Shusei smiled back. “That’s okay, I can go by myse-”
“I’ll go with you.” Hotsuma interrupted. “The rest of you can head back.”
It took everyone a moment (except Luka who wasn’t paying attention – probably because he didn’t even care) to recover from Hotsuma’s abruptness. They hesitantly agreed and started to walk off.
Hotsuma turned in the other direction. “You wanna go shopping right?”
“Yeah.” Shusei answered quickly.
Hotsuma didn’t mean to be so curt he just didn’t feel comfortable letting Shusei go anywhere without him. The thought that if he let Shusei out of his sight he could be taken again, was nagging him at every waking moment. Coming so close to losing him had set Hotsuma permanently on edge, he couldn’t escape the feeling of ‘what if I really lose him?’
They shopped for a little while, Shusei mostly needed to get some stuff for school and also wanted to get a few new shirts. That…went well.
They had spent about 15 minutes arguing about what would suit him better; Shusei just wanted to buy a collared shirt like the ones he usually wore but Hotsuma insisted he should try wearing a normal t-shirt.
Shusei reluctantly tried on a few just to stop Hotsuma complaining.
“You look good. You should wear something like that more often.” Hotsuma smiled as he sat admiring Shusei.
Shusei lightly smacked the back of his head. “I like the way I dress. I’m sorry that doesn’t seem to be good enough for you.” Shusei told him sourly but made sure his tone was still playful.
“That isn’t what I meant.” Hotsuma said under his breath as he rubbed the back of his head.
As they exited the store, after successfully choosing a couple of shirts and t-shirts, Hotsuma tugged lightly on the back of Shusei’s jacket.
“I’m hungry, let’s eat.” He put on his childish pout because if he didn’t he knew Shusei would say that they should then head back home and eat with everyone else.
Shusei did notice the pout and rolled his eyes, but said, “Sure.”
Hotsuma’s face brightened. “Great. You choose.”
“I’m happy with whatever you pick.”
Hotsuma chose to go the food court since he didn’t really know what he wanted. They settled for burgers.
They talked a little but Hotsuma mostly just sat there beaming about the fact Shusei was actually eating willingly. He didn’t mention it but relief was written across his face.
On the way back, they talked and laughed. Hotsuma couldn’t believe that sometimes they could act like nothing was wrong, and so many bad things hadn’t happened or were probably going to. Whenever he and Shusei were able to act like that, like normal, Hotsuma gladly stopped thinking about all his worries. He could stop worrying about Shusei too because he was there beside him, smiling with him.
Outside the mansion, Hotsuma didn’t stop his hand from grabbing Shusei’s arm. Something in his mind had clicked and he realised something he couldn’t ignore and his body was reacting before he could stop and think.
Shusei stopped and looked back at him curiously.
Hotsuma didn’t say anything, he didn’t know what to say. He shifted nervously before gently pulling Shusei towards him. As the gap between their faces closed, Shusei realised what Hotsuma wanted to do. He froze but let Hotsuma pull him in closer.
Hotsuma’s eyes kept flicking from Shusei’s unreadable eyes to his lips. When their mouths were only inches from touching, Shusei looked away and stopped Hotsuma by putting a soft hand on his chest. He took a step back and dared to look at Hotsuma.
He had to stop himself from flinching away from the look of hurt that was beginning to flood Hotsuma’s face. He took another step back. “Hotsuma…” Shusei didn’t have many times when he didn’t know what to say… Well he did, but he couldn’t say the words he knew he should; the reason why.
When he didn’t continue or say anything else, Hotsuma reached out for Shusei again. Shusei almost let himself lean into his hand.
Almost.
“No.” He took another step away, if he didn’t he knew he would give in.
Hotsuma’s hand fell and gripped the side of his jeans instead. Clenched fists gave away his frustration and anger. “We were together once … Why aren’t we now?!” He felt tears sting the corner of his eyes and hurriedly wiped them away with his arm.
Shusei’s breath hitched when he saw the tears but he managed to steady himself enough to say, “We can’t.”
At that Shusei turned and went inside before anything else could be said, before Hotsuma tried to change his mind.
***
They didn’t talk at all and barely saw each other in the couple of days following that night, mutually avoiding each other as much as possible. He knew Hotsuma would take the option to stay hidden in his room and everyone had learnt to keep a fair distance when Hotsuma didn’t feel like seeing anyone. He didn’t even come down to eat, though every night Yuki went up with a tray of food for him.
Shusei decided he wouldn’t run into Hotsuma if he was with everyone. He listened quietly as they talked and told stories about their day, smiling and laughing with them. But there were moments when he found himself staring at the door, absentmindedly waiting for Hotsuma to walk in and join them. He could feel everyone’s concerned eyes watching him. No one said anything, they’d also learnt that when something was going on between him and Hotsuma it was better to leave well enough alone. They looked at him differently though this time round because they knew it was about something different. This wasn’t just another petty fight.
Eventually he just avoided everyone else too, there were only so many pitying looks he could take.
He sighed tiredly as he sat down in a plush leather chair in one of the mansion’s quiet, book filled sitting rooms, staring at the star filled sky.
He remembered the countless times he and Hotsuma had sat and watched the stars together. It had started when they were children and Hotsuma had wandered to Shusei’s house; sobbing or sullen. What had always calmed him down was just looking up at the stars while Shusei held his hand to comfort him.
It had all been so simple when they were young and they were just there for each other. Then they had grown up, that’s when the thing between them had started. You couldn’t call a lot of their behaviour other than innocent flirting. And they were close in a way that was different than the other Zweilt partners. Though the all the Zweilt pairs felt about each other differently.
Now looking back, Shusei shouldn’t have been caught so off guard by Hotsuma’s actions. He was surprised (and slightly resentful) that he hadn’t realised there was still something more between them than protectiveness and loyalty, before Hotsuma. He was also surprised he was actually able to stop himself giving in, he didn’t want to, but…
Shusei pinched the bridge of his nose and frowned as the memories he thought he had locked away deep in his mind long ago, rose to the surface. He could still picture all the blood, bodies lying everywhere.
And those eyes… Looking into them had been more painful than the deep gash in his stomach that had killed him slowly.
Shusei stared into the darkness at the edges of the room. He covered his mouth with his hand and squeezed his eyes shut as hard as he could, trying to stop the events of the past flooding back. But he couldn’t.
***
Hotsuma sat at the window seat leaning on the sill, staring out at the night sky. His eyes followed the trail of stars as they twinkled one after the other.
He turned when he heard the door click open softly. He felt a twinge of disappointment when he saw Yuki walk through the door. He hated that he even felt hopeful in the first place.
“Hey.” He got up and walked over to meet Yuki by the door. He took the tray of food and set it down on the bed.
Yuki paused at the door, Hotsuma raised a curious eyebrow. “Is something wrong Yuki?” His eyes narrowed slightly when he saw Luka’s figure shift in the hallway.
“No.” Yuki answered softly. He hesitated before saying, “He looks sad when he thinks we won’t notice.”
A jolt ran through Hotsuma making him freeze, he didn’t know how that made him feel; happy Shusei missed him or unhappy he was in pain too.
Hotsuma grunted in response, turning his back on Yuki and playing with the food on the tray with a fork.
“Everyone’s worried. I hope you both work this out, I’m sure you will.” Hotsuma glanced over and saw a discreet smile creeping across Yuki’s kind face.
“Yeah,” he sighed.
As Yuki was about to shut the door, Hotsuma called out to him.
“Thank you, Yuki.”
Yuki smiled and left.
Hotsuma left his food untouched and went to go sit back at the window.
He shouldn’t have acted rashly but he didn’t think they would end up avoiding each other completely. He didn’t think too much about what he was doing at the time either. Just walking with Shusei, talking and laughing, he realised that they should be more. He realised how much they were pretending and the feelings they were pushing away, and for what?
He didn’t understand why Shusei had moved away. It didn’t make any sense, he knew sometimes he could read Shusei’s feelings wrong but he was sure he hadn’t. Not in that moment.
Hotsuma grabbed whatever he could pick up near him and threw it with all his strength across the room.
He felt so stupid standing there when Shusei had walked away. He couldn’t figure out why Shusei would just leave him like that without any proper explanation.
Maybe Hotsuma was completely off the mark and Shusei didn’t feel anything at all and had to decide whether to humour Hotsuma like he usually did. And Shusei had decided he couldn’t this time.
Hotsuma jumped off the seat and strode out of the room.
***
Shusei’s gaze was torn away from the stars when he heard the door open. He stood up as the light turned on and Hotsuma stepped hesitantly into the sitting room. They didn’t speak for a moment as Hotsuma scanned the titles of the books on the shelves.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered, still not looking at him.
Shusei frowned. “For what?”
Hotsuma rubbed the back of his neck and shifted uncomfortably. “For try-- for what I did. I shouldn’t have so can we just forget about it.” He looked at Shusei who could see Hotsuma’s silent plea behind his normal, casual tone.
Shusei opened his mouth to say – well what did he want to say? He closed it again and leant against the back of the sturdy leather chair. He nodded.
They stood in a tense silence. Hotsuma fought the question he had not been able to stop thinking about since the night Shusei rejected him. Before he could stop himself he was saying the words.
“Why did you ever decide to come back as a… guy?”
Shusei quickly looked away, his hands gripping the top of the chair for support as the reason came back in the form of that haunting memory.
“We got… too close.” It came out as a strangled whisper.
“What the hell does that mean?”
Shusei calmed himself and stood up properly before replying, making sure his voice was even. “It doesn’t matter anymore. Forget about it.”
Hotsuma’s eyes narrowed, “You can’t just say stuff like that then not tell me why. You got no right.”
Shusei cringed slightly, he could barely think about it let alone tell Hotsuma something he had obviously forced himself to successfully forget.
“Shusei!”
“Because of you!” Shusei shouted back, panting as he fought the tears welling up in his eyes.
The impatient expression on Hotsuma’s face vanished and was replaced by surprise, at Shusei’s outburst which he rarely did, and confusion. “Huh?”
He edged closer to Shusei to try and help calm him down, placing a hand on his shoulder. Shusei gripped Hotsuma’s hand with his own.
Shusei regained control of his voice. “You probably don’t remember but, why would you want to?” he laughed bitterly. He continued, voice quiet but steady.
“Once, we were fighting together and we were both wounded but… I died first and you had to watch me. Watch me die. And I’ve never been able to forget your face as you watched. It was…” he let out a shaky breath, “I knew I had to distance myself from you somehow, I couldn’t bear to put you through so much pain again.”
He didn’t have to look up at him to know what Hotsuma was probably feeling. His breathing had turned faintly ragged, silently going over Shusei’s words. Shusei’s hand fell from Hotsuma’s whose grip only tightened, shaking him slightly, demanding his gaze.
Through gritted teeth he muttered, “So you thought just because you changed from a girl to a guy it would make it any easier if I ever had to watch you die again?!” He pushed off Shusei taking a step back, his whole body tensing trying to deal with the rush of emotions.
“You thought it would make me love you any less!”
It was only a moment before Hotsuma realised what he had said, his eyes widened and his cheeks flushed red. He stuttered before he turned quickly heading for the door.
Shusei was quicker to act though, he caught the back of Hotsuma’s shirt and moved him away from the door. He grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled Hotsuma closer.
Shusei’s eyes wandered from Hotsuma’s eyes, which seemed to be filled with panic, to his blushing cheeks before settling on his mouth which was slightly ajar. He was probably trying to think of something to say but Shusei didn’t give him the opportunity.
He leaned in close, all he could hear was his heart pounding in his ears. He nervously and gently pressed against Hotsuma’s lips with his own. His nerves settled once Hotsuma’s lips parted to let him in, and he relaxed as Hotsuma’s hand slid up his back and held Shusei’s neck, pulling him in closer.
Shusei let go of Hotsuma’s shirt and rested one hand on his back while the other hand found its way into Hotsuma’s hair. The kiss was desperate, their bodies pressing together; they had been holding back those feelings far too long and they had to make up for lost time.
Eventually they had to stop for air, their foreheads resting against each other’s. Shusei smiled as he looked back at Hotsuma’s lips which were set in a wide grin.
Hotsuma leaned his head back so he could look at Shusei’s face properly. His grin didn’t leave his face when he laughed, “Would you think about wearing a dress now?”
The hand tangled in Hotsuma’s hair let go and smacked the back of his head which was followed by Hotsuma’s small protesting whine.
“Idiot,” Shusei muttered fondly.
Hotsuma tilted his head forward and met Shusei’s forehead again. “I’ll always be happy with the way you are.”
“And I’ll never leave you.” Shusei mumbled as Hotsuma cupped his cheek with a warm hand and distracted him with another breathless kiss.
***
It was quiet in the mansion, everyone else had gone out for the night to shop and see a movie together. Shusei and Hotsuma had decided to stay home. This meant that Hotsuma hadn’t finished any homework and Shusei wasn’t letting him go out until he had done everything.
Hotsuma finished his work relatively early so they were able to relax for the rest of the night.
Shusei looked up from the book he was reading at the TV which was playing the movie Hotsuma had chosen to put in. He looked down at Hotsuma’s face whose head was pillowed on his lap, his eyes were closed and he was snoring softly.
Shusei reached for the remote on the end table next to the lounge and switched off the TV, waiting for his eyes to open. They did and Hotsuma sat up quickly.
“I was watchin’ that,” he complained.
Shusei shot him an amused smirk. “No you weren’t. You were asleep.”
A devious smile slowly crept across Hotsuma’s face. “Well I’m awake now.”
Shusei eyed him suspiciously. Hotsuma playfully pounced on him and planted a swift kiss, his smile turning suggestive.
“Get off me. I want to go to sleep.” Shusei had on his usual poker face as he pushed Hotsuma aside and attempted to stand up.
But Hotsuma grabbed him instead in a tight hug around his waist and they crash to the floor in a tangle of limbs and echoes of happy laughter.
Hotsuma pinned Shusei to the ground and kissed him deeply.
“I thought you said you’d never leave me.” Hotsuma hummed.
“Idiot,” Shusei smiled against Hotsuma’s lips. He gripped the back of Hotsuma’s neck and pulled him closer so their lips met again.