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Kylie has had about enough of this superhero shit. She had had enough when Cartman yelled at her at the bus stop the week before, and now that every girl (including Cartman) in school was obsessing over some guy in a cloak and boxers and whatever the hell, she was nearly at the end of her rope.
She appreciated Mysterion for who he was, of course. He did valuable work. The copious amounts of newspaper clippings in Stacy and Kenny and Chloe and whoever else’s lockers weren’t without reason. She thought it was about time an independent party took over crime stopping. She just thought maybe this whole obsession was a little juvenile.
“Who do you think Mysterion is, Kylie?” Stacy asked at lunch one day.
“I don’t know,” Kylie said, trying her best to appear interested. “Maybe he’s Red.”
“Red?” Cartman spat.
“It’s not Red,” Wendyl, who was sitting with Stacy today, said. “I was with him during the last sighting. Besides…” He trailed off.
“Besides, what?” Stacy said.
“I don’t know. Who says Mysterion is a boy?”
Cartman clenched her fist enough for her knuckles to turn white. Kenny scooted away from her. Stacy arched a brow and shot a glance at Kylie. Kylie returned it with an eyeroll; She knew where this was going.
“Mysterion has to be a boy! He’s a boy, because all boys do is fuck me over!” Cartman slammed her chocolate milk for emphasis (or something). “Nice try covering your tracks, Wendyl. I know it’s you!”
Kylie tuned out of the conversation from then on.
Something Kylie would like to add, by the way (and she knows it’s definitely off topic, but this was important), is that she was most definitely a straight girl who was just down on her luck. Tenth grade was her grade, she just needed to pick a boy and make some advances.
She wasn’t homophobic, before anyone got any ideas. She was confused when Claire and Tweek turned out to be lesbians, sure, but she supported them then and she supports them now. Supporting gay people and lesbians was high on her priorities. She isn’t a bad person. She just also isn’t a lesbian.
Now, all that to say, when she was studying the night before an exam, she was startled out of a spiral related to this by a knocking on her window. She walked up to it and gasped when she saw who it was.
It was Mysterion.
She let him in as quickly and quietly as she could muster. She felt jittery when he landed on her bed. Him taking up space in her room made him seem all the more imposing, even though now that she was near him, she realized she was taller than he was.
“Hello Kylie,” he said. He had a gravelly affect to his voice that was clearly a deliberate choice. Kylie had always found it to be a little corny, but it served its purpose; she couldn’t tell who he was, even in close quarters.
“Mysterion?” Kylie allowed herself to say.
He nodded. “I mean you no harm, Kylie. I come to you out of desperation, not out of malice. I believe there to be someone trying to unmask me.”
“Um…” Kylie glanced around. “Dude, everyone’s trying to figure out who you are.”
“I am aware. I am just concerned about bigger foes than people at South Park High School. I cannot be unmasked, not publicly.” He spoke fast and as though he was following a script. Kylie could almost pick up on some desperation in his tone even though he gave off the vibe that he was trying not to care.
“Why not?” she asked.
“I would lose my status as a symbol if I were unmasked. People would see me only as a high school student playing pretend. Anonymity is keeping my image intact.” Pause. “And also they could arrest me for vigilantism a lot easier if they knew who I was. They’re on my side for now, but I doubt they would still be if they knew my name.”
“Okay. Why are you telling me this?”
Mysterion sighed and stood from Kylie’s bed. She really was taller than him. Unconsciously, she began running through the boys in school who were shorter than her. There weren’t many. She shook her head.
“I need your help. You are the smartest in the class when it comes to computer science. I need you to help me with background checks and security breaches. It is impossible to do such things on my own.”
Kylie played with one of her braids. Mysterion bore holes into her head. She couldn’t not say no, right? She was being presented with an opportunity most girls would shriek over. The fact that Mysterion was in her room alone was enough to probably send Chloe into cardiac arrest. Kylie’s pulse was a little higher than normal.
Mysterion sat back down and fixed his expression to one of stoicism. “I understand if you don’t want to involve yourself with this, Kylie,” he said. “I can leave and never speak with you again, if you wish.”
“No-! No, I’ll do it,” Kylie said, desperately. Her face burned with embarrassment. “We can work together. Is there anything that needs done right now?”
Mysterion offered a smile. Kylie’s face continued to burn. “Not tonight. I cannot offer you my phone number, but I will return when I need your help. Thank you.”
He disappeared after that.
Kylie tugged her two braids. See, she wasn’t gay!
The wait at the bus stop the next morning was weirdly nerve-wracking. Kylie knew she shouldn’t tell anyone about what’d transpired the previous night, and that meant not telling Stacy, her best friend, and not telling Cartman, who’d be very pissed off if she knew about it. Kenny was probably a safe bet to tell, as she didn’t really talk all too much, but if she told Kenny and not Stacy, Stacy would get annoyed, and Kylie hated it when Stacy was annoyed.
The silence gnawed on all four of them, seemingly. Cartman showed up last as usual, and even she didn’t have anything to say. She was just grinning.
Kylie arched a brow. “What are you smiling about?”
“Oh, nothing.”
Kylie and Stacy exchanged looks. “What did you do this time?” Kylie asked, deadpan.
“I didn’t do anything. But a little birdie told me you guys should pay attention to the news. Word is the Raccoon made headlines. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s taking over Mysterion in terms of popularity.” Cartman clasped her hands together when she finished.
Stacy rolled her eyes, but didn’t say anything. Kenny furrowed her brows.
“Kenny, what do you think of the Raccoon?” Cartman asked, not for the first time. Kenny just glared at her. Cartman looked at her like she wasn’t. “Kenny.”
There actually were whispers of the Raccoon’s latest activity, but her activity wasn’t particularly heroic. She’d allied with Professor Chaos (Marjorine Stotch) and threatened to blow something up within the week if Mysterion didn’t reveal himself. Of course, Cartman would deny to everyone else that the Raccoon was involved with this at all; The Raccoon was a superhero! She’d never blow up a building! Everyone ignored her, though. Nobody had to wonder who the Raccoon was, nor did they have to wonder who Chaos was. Cartman and Marjorine had a reputation. Easy conclusion to come to.
Kylie worried if she’d be roped into this. This worry was confirmed when Mysterion showed up that night.
So that’s how Kylie wound up at U-Stor-It at 8PM on a school night. She was wearing stuff to cover her identity, and it doubled as help against the cold. The tip of her nose stung a little, though. Mysterion’s breath was visible in the air, and his breathing seemed even and practiced. In contrast, Kylie felt as though she may hyperventilate under her scarf.
She watched Mysterion skulk through shadows with such skill she was surprised he was ever caught on camera. He pressed an ear against a storage unit for a moment, then beckoned Kylie closer. When she got to him, she was directed via miming to listen, too. When she pressed an ear up to the unit, she heard three voices inside.
“-know about this, Raccoon… I think this is a crime, see, and I don’t wanna go to jail,” came Chaos’s voice.
“Chaos! Get a hold of yourself. We both hate Mysterion. Do you trust me or not?” came the Raccoon.
“... Okay.”
“Here’s your Sprite, Raccoon,” came the third voice, that being of Professor Chaos’s sidekick, General Disarray.
Mysterion clenched his jaw. His gaze grew hard. He seemingly forgot Kylie was there as he speed-walked away. Kylie hesitated, but then followed after him. She felt a bit like a lost puppy on his heels. The image would be completed by her reaching for him, but she didn’t want to come off weird or anything. Besides, she was half-expecting her hand to phase through him at this stage in their relationship. She wasn’t sure the guy was human with how well he could disappear into the darkness.
Mysterion stopped at the entrance to U-Stor-It, facing the buildings directly across from it.
“I knew this wasn’t Chaos’s M.O.,” he murmured. He glanced at Kylie. “Do you think you could diffuse a bomb?”
“What?! No!” Kylie said.
Mysterion cracked a smile. “Kidding. I can handle a few bombs, myself, actually.”
“You can? How? Aren’t you in high school?”
“Chaos has bombs. She’s in high school, too. Plenty of people have experience with bombs.”
Kylie arched an eyebrow. She did, actually, have experience with bombs and various explosives. She couldn’t handle them herself very reliably, but she’s been through some absolutely bullshit scenarios that she sometimes thinks she maybe shouldn’t have survived. “Fair,” she said.
Mysterion bobbed his head. “I’m going to head home. I advise you do the same. I have an idea towards stopping the Raccoon and her friends, but I’m not sure if I should involve innocents.”
Kylie swayed in place for a moment. “Why did you bring me here?” she asked.
“Oh. Um.” Mysterion turned away and cleared his throat. Kylie thought for one second (and that second was horrifying for some reason) that she recognized the voice under the cough, but she forgot it immediately. “I thought I might need backup. That’s all.”
There was an awkward pause.
Mysterion turned away. “I shall see you again should I need your assistance. Thank you. Goodbye.”
Kylie reached to tug at her hair again, but forgot it was under a hood. When she got home, she deeply considered telling Stacy she had a crush on someone.
During her free period, Kylie used a school computer to look up how to diffuse bombs. She dragged Stacy with her to have someone else take the fall if she were to get in trouble. After the fifth bomb diffusing game that Kylie thought would be “better than nothing,” Stacy threatened to leave if Kylie didn’t tell her what was up.
Weirdly, the first thing that came to mind was her ongoing problem with dating, but she came back around, and that just led to her wanting to bite her tongue as much as she would’ve if her initial assumption was correct.
Stacy eventually got annoyed with Kylie giving non-answers and left, but she wasn’t silent treatment levels of annoyed, so Kylie didn’t really care. She did care when Marjorine Stotch tried to peek over her shoulder, though, so she left. This whole Mysterion thing was going to lead her to heart failure, and the chances of it being from his presence alone or from other people figuring out about their alliance were an even 50/50.
She admired Claire at times like these. She knew when to bail on something that was too stressful. Kylie had half a mind to ask her for advice, now that the thought crossed her mind, but she thought better of it. Claire tended to be an asshole.
Whatever. Mysterion could handle this by himself, anyway, and she did not have to involve herself. There! She felt better already.
Mysterion didn’t have as secure a head on his shoulders as Kylie thought.
When she made it home one night after hanging out at Stacy’s, she found her mom in the living room with the news on. Whether or not she was watching was questionable, but Kylie certainly was when she caught wind of what was on.
Mysterion was fighting Chaos on the top of a building with unignited TNT on top of it. Was he insane? Kylie didn’t know he was this reckless; if she did, she probably would’ve questioned her alliance with him. Then again, she probably wasn’t thinking rationally when she agreed, anyway.
Kylie felt a weird swoop in her stomach when Chaos and Mysterion got a little too close to the edge of the building, but Chaos swung Mysterion against a pole and he slumped on the ground, unconscious. The Raccoon then punched Chaos in the face, causing her nose to bleed. The news cut just before the Raccoon began to speak.
“Ugh, who cares about teenagers getting into fights? Is there nothing better to report?” Kylie’s mom said eventually. “Kylie, tell me you don’t care about this stuff.”
“I don’t,” Kylie lied.
She went back to her room and went to study. She found her thoughts straying, though. She was so gonna fail the next test, and then her dad would be mad at her, ugh… All because of these weird feelings that surface when being around Mysterion.
At around 10PM, Mysterion knocked on Kylie’s window. He fell into her room and he looked really frazzled.
“What did you see on the news?” he asked, adjusting his hood.
Kylie answered honestly. Mysterion looked as though he was biting the inside of his cheek. He looked at the floor when Kylie asked if he was okay.
“I hurt my head a little, but I’m fine,” he said. The answer sounded reluctant and pained. Kylie did not push it. “Listen, Kylie. The town demands I reveal my face tomorrow night. I do not want to do that. I will be arrested on sight, and then all I’ve done will be for naught.”
“You could just not show up,” Kylie said.
“I’ve considered this. I am afraid that would make the public hunt me down when they saw me next. I am not abandoning this post, you must understand. I am what this town needs.”
Kylie sat on her bed while Mysterion paced around. Something about him rang familiar. It drove Kylie up the wall that she couldn’t place it now, in the midst of his desperation. She felt weird about wanting to know him.
“I could dress up as you,” Kylie said suddenly, possibly too quickly. She wasn’t thinking. She was probably stupid.
Mysterion paused and looked at her. “That could work. I have a few spare outfits, and we wear similar sizes.”
Kylie should absolutely not agree to her own idea. She should drop it and say “never mind, let’s think some more.” She is letting her weird emotions get ahead of her-
“Let’s give it a shot, then,” she said.
Kylie wanted to rip Cartman’s head off the entire next day at school. Unfortunately, Cartman’s enthusiasm was shared with most of the student body. People really did want to know who Mysterion was, and fuck the consequences that’d cause for him! People just cared about the latest moderately interesting gossip around here.
Thankfully, Stacy seemed over it, too, as did Kenny; being friends with Cartman tended to wear you down on stuff like this.
While Cartman was off flaunting to a table of boys about Mysterion’s face reveal to be tonight, Kylie felt a pang of satisfaction that accidentally reflected on her face. Kenny addressed it with an eyebrow raise, and Kylie really wanted to ignore it. The eye contact they’d shared caused a shiver to go down Kylie’s spine, though, and she felt compelled to say something.
“I think she’s stupid if she thinks Mysterion is going to reveal himself,” Kylie said.
“What?” Stacy said through a mouthful of sandwich.
“I think Mysterion has a trick up his sleeve, or something. No way he just outs himself in front of everyone.”
“Oh,” Stacy said, swallowing. “Yeah, sure. I thought you didn’t care about that?”
Kylie shrugged. “I don’t, but, like, there’s no way Cartman wins this one. That’s all.”
“Sure, dude,” Stacy replied.
Kylie spent the rest of the school day trying not to implode from anxiety.
Mysterion’s outfit was really warm. That should be a good thing, but out of nervousness, Kylie felt sweaty.
The alleyway she was hiding in was eerily quiet. She was leaning against a wall, her arms crossed. She remembered that Mysterion had told her to not say anything, but act like him: "Nobody would notice, 'cuz Mysterion rarely spoke, anyway." That last bit Kylie disagreed with, but she would do as he said.
She checked her phone for the time once more and saw it was time to head there. She tried not to shake as she found her way to the front of a crowd of people. In the front row of the crowd was Erica Cartman and the head policewoman. Seeing Cartman gave her the slightest bit of satisfaction, but she glowered anyway. Mysterion wouldn’t smile in public. Mysterion is mysterious and broody.
Kylie went up onto the small platform put there solely for this. A few seconds later, the head policewoman took her spot at the microphone.
“As we all know, we have had a vigilantism problem in South Park. Our Mysterion here is the head of that problem. It pains me to say this, but he must be revealed to make the crime rates go down.” She gave Kylie a sideways glance. “You did good work, son. You have the floor, now.”
Kylie clenched her fists and made eye contact with Cartman as she took the hood down and ripped the mask off. She allowed herself to grin when Cartman’s expression dropped and she stood.
“Kylie?! The stupid- I- I knew it was you,” Cartman raved, “I said it before, remember? I was onto you the whole time, Kylie, I’m not stupid.” She had not said it before, but Kylie somehow doubted anyone cared as to what Cartman had to say.
Kylie was put in handcuffs and she was dragged to the police station. Her heart pounded. She was really stupid, but Cartman’s reaction was a little worth it, she had to admit.
She was tossed rather roughly into a cell. Apparently the police were a little annoyed that she was a girl for whatever reason. She didn’t really care. She was stuck in her own head at the moment.
Thirty minutes into being stuck in jail, the window at the end of the cell block stopped shining moonlight into it. There was a creaking noise, and a shadow walked quietly and carefully among the cells, clearly checking each one for something. When it stopped at Kylie’s, she was only a little surprised that it was Mysterion. The door was easily lockpicked open, and they silently left the building. There was no fanfare, no dramatic music, no anything; Kylie couldn’t even muster up a “thanks” yet, as her heart was pounding too hard.
Mysterion started to lead Kylie home, but Kylie refused to move once they were far enough away from the station.
“Mysterion,” Kylie began, “I’m sorry. I really appreciate our moments together. I just… I can’t take it anymore.”
He faced her with a nervousness Kylie hadn’t seen before in him. It, too, reminded her of something. If Kylie could see his eyes right then, she’d probably recognize him. Somewhere, she felt scared that she already had recognized him, but didn’t want to admit it; either way…
“Who are you?” she asked.
Mysterion sighed with his full body. “I suppose I owe you that much, don’t I?”
“You don’t owe me-”
“I put you in jail,” Mysterion interrupted. “I involved you in shit you shouldn’t have even thought about. I know you never got into the conflict itself, but I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if the Raccoon targeted you now. It’s my fault, and I owe you a favor.”
“Okay.” Kylie’s voice shook slightly.
Mysterion turned around. “I’ll show you at your house. There could be people watching right now.”
The rest of the walk home was silent. When they got to the Broflovski house, Mysterion went to the backyard to climb through a window, and Kylie went through her front door. She was immediately accosted by her parents for being out so late. Apparently, neither were notified of Kylie’s arrest nor did they care that she was wearing half of Mysterion’s outfit. She went up to her room and found Mysterion already there.
He was sitting on her bed, gripping the sheets with clenched fists. He met her gaze when she entered. His eyes were very round and very famili-
No they weren’t. Kylie hadn’t ever seen such deep colored eyes (she absolutely had). She’d describe them as blue, but in most lightings, they looked magenta-purple. They were certainly blue, though, her brain wouldn’t allow any other descriptor.
Mysterion cleared his throat and stood. His now free hands looked lost as he grasped at nothing for a few seconds. Kylie, on the other hand, was frozen.
A few seconds elapsed before Mysterion reached up to shake his hood off. Kylie wanted to tell him to stop and let her live in denial forever. However, as established, she was frozen and forced to watch the hood come off and the whole-scalp mask get torn away. The short blonde hair that fell out of it was not the surprise she wished it was in that moment.
It was Kenny.
Of course it was. Kenny had always been a little righteous. She played the hero more often than people gave her credit for. Kylie remembered Jew Scouts all that time ago, because of course she did. Kenny was fantastic and the fact that she only started playing superhero now was honestly a little surprising.
Regardless of all that, she had a few questions. She was staring. Her face burned. She probably looked like a red blob with her hair and her blush.
“Kylie?” Kenny said after a minute elapsed with nothing coming from Kylie’s mouth.
“Why are you a boy?” Kylie asked stupidly.
“Oh. I dunno. Felt like it,” Kenny said. “It started as me trying to disguise myself. People assumed I was a boy, I guess 'cuz of the voice. It was fun to lean into it. I’m still a girl, though, I’m not trans or anything.”
Kylie did not care if she was or wasn’t, but Kenny probably knew that. “Oh. Cool.”
They stood in silence for a bit longer. Kenny made a move to leave. “Alright. See you tomorrow, then.”
“Wait.” Kylie moved, finally, to touch Kenny’s arm. She stiffened at the touch, though she was clearly already tense. “I need to say this before I chicken out. I really, really like you.”
In retrospect, she really did. It was terrifying, but Kylie had always liked Kenny like that. She’d liked Stacy like that, too, on and off, and Claire for maybe a week in third grade, and Tahlia that one time with… well, she figured her brain was finally allowing her to think correctly, and she needed to stop before Kenny ran away. Kylie was shaking. She was a little scared to meet Kenny’s eyes.
“Oh,” Kenny said. “Me too.”
It was so casually said that Kylie wanted to rip her hair out. It was almost as if Kenny hadn’t worried about this for years on end.
“Do you want to go out?” Kylie asked.
“Sure,” Kenny said. She grinned in that way of hers, tension easing its way out of her. “Whenever you want. I’m headed home, but text me the days you’re free.”
“Sure thing,” Kylie said.
“Awesome. I gotta go now, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Thank you for everything!”
Kenny gave a two finger salute and jumped out of the window. Kylie’s stomach swooped again, but she saw Kenny running off a few seconds later, perfectly intact.
Her heart pounded in her throat and she realized she was still wearing Kenny’s costume. She thought maybe she would pass out after realizing everything important to her in the span of a few hours, but all she did was put her head in her hands and lay down without taking it off.
Damn it, she was gay.