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July
After the Fourth, it's Trinity who stops responding.
Honestly, she can't say it took her by surprise. It was clear from their conversation about Langdon that Trinity, no Dr. Santos, she mentally clarifies, still had a ways to grow professionally.
As a Trauma surgeon fellow, she is not apologetic for challenging the younger doctor to adhere to a professional standard.
After all one does not advance in their profession, as a woman of color with ease.
(Especially if one is pursing surgery).
It takes drive, bite, and ambition.
(Maybe a bit of snark to cope too).
She isn't considered the rock star of student of the Dr. Fred Willis without reason.
(And let's not get started on what caliber she had to preform to gain Dr. Shamsi's respect)
So no matter the underestimation, no matter the intimidation, and no matter the misogyny, Yolanda has always believed you need to raise the floor of your standards.
If your senior residents set the tone, then be better.
No room for mistakes. No room for Fuck ups. And no room for excuses.
Keep it professional.
Except that's the thing. In the weeks that follow the Fourth, that's exactly what Dr. Trinity Santos does.
Keeps it solely professional.
Everyone notices it.
It starts out subtle but with the decrease of the ribbing jokes or sarcastic comments. By the second week, it's lack of philosophical quips, snark and dramatized flare. By the fourth week, even the nicknames are almost nonexistent. And all that is left is just that.
Doctor Trinity Santos.
Professional.
Many will think it's due to Robby's absence, other's might think it's due to Dr. Al-Hashimi taking the helm. If Yolanda gave it any further thought, she'd surmise it to the whispers of White Chocolate moving out. Nonetheless, as the weeks pass it becomes clear that Trinity Santos has drawn a line and chosen to compartmentalize between what is personal and what is professional.
With PMTC getting nothing personal and everything professional.
To her credit, Yolanda observes in the weeks that follow, it's quite impressive. Doctor Santos still shows up, advocates for her patients and executes with efficiency. If Doctor Al-Hashimi checks in, she is succinct with her presentations and does not chit-chat. She is on her charting, learns from senior leadership and teaches med students, all without complaint, without contributing to gossip or any additional commentary that the nurses had found amusing.
(That Yolanda had secretly found amusing.
That she had found endearing too)
But that's all PMTC gets.
Not Trinity Santos but Doctor Trinity Santos and Doctor Trinity Santos only.
She surmises the contrast is a bit more obvious to her is because she is one of the few to have seen the Trinity Santos who had still tethered the line between bringing her personal experience to work, or leaving it at the door.
But to see this fully professional Dr. Santos instead-
It brings a feeling to surface that Yolanda can't quite articulate. So instead of dwelling on it, she files it away and hangs on to what is definite instead.
Like the fact that they haven't hooked up in weeks leaves her feeling a certain type of way. But just like anything that might bother her, Yolanda moves on.
Or at least she tries to.
(At least she thinks she does)
Because facts are, Yolanda kept her promise and texted July 5th, to which Trinity replied she was busy.
She texted again a few days after and was met with the same response.
So They don’t talk about how days of not meeting turn to weeks.
She doesn’t refer to it in their shared cases, or in her snarky quips- not with this new professional Dr. Santos who meets her with only medical presentation and confirmations of medical orders
And She definitely doesn’t bring it up off the clock (because she’s not usually the one that gets left).
Dr. Yolanda Garcia certainly is not one to beg.
So it eventually settles between them. Like a blanketed truce. An unsaid agreement.
Silence.
(Because it was just casual, right?)
Right.
August
The first real conversation they have is in passing about six weeks after Robby leaves.
It seems like that's how long it takes for the tension between Dr. Santos and Dr. Frank to finally boil over. It takes six weeks for Langdon's composure to break.
Because though Dr. Santos has shifted her interactions and her verbal responses a specific level of professionalism, it doesn't mean there was a change in her demeanor.
(Head still held in confidence and competence, lacking the cocky flare Dr. Garcia had called out on her first day as an intern but very much defending her clinical perspective to the senior resident.)
The tension between the two and is like the elephant in the room that no one acknowledges, has accepted and trudges through with more professionalism. So it says something when Langdon's raised voice are heard all the way to the nurses station.
She didn’t think much of it at the time as she was passing the corridor where they were in, and not being one for gossip (she didn’t have the time, not when she had an internal bleed demanding her attention in the OR) she didn’t care to peek. In fact she didn’t even know that the victim to his outburst was Dr. Santos until she her ears caught the younger doctor’s (new) signature cool and leveled voice.
"With all due respect Doctor Langdon, I've had to survive a lot to get to where I am in life today, and so I'm a hundred percent sure, I'll survive you too."
It’s the last thing she hears before the elevators close.
Later on she finds her taking a breath by the stairwell. She surmises Dr. Al-Hashimi gave Trinity a moment of respite while she talks to Langdon.
(The irony is not lost on her that their first real conversation is in the same place they had their last real one.)
"Hey." She says peering down the hand rail. Seeing the R2 look up in acknowledgment.
"Dr. Garcia." She says in acknowledgement and Yolanda finds she doesn't know how to proceed with that. She is so used to Trinity wanting to speak, offering more, and responding that she has to dig to find the words.
She should find relief yet somehow in this silence she does not.
“I heard about Langdon. What he did was uncalled for." She says as she steps past the last step and rounds the corner to face the younger doctor whose back is still against the wall and arms crossed.
Not defensive just passive.
The only response she gets is a hum in affirmation.
"It's fine.” Dr. Santos says with a sigh after a moment that speaks of wariness. Like someone gathering the energy to get back up after a fight.
“-No it's not. that was highly unprofessional of him."
"True." Is the only response as green eyes finally meet hers, and Yolanda hears what remains unsaid.
But he's gotten away with a lot worse.
Yolanda usually doesn't hesitate but she feels the question 'are you okay?' at the tip of her tongue. But she remembers her own words. they don't talk about feelings.
Same location. Same stairway.
Same line drawn.
Her line.
But something about this detached Dr. Santos makes her want to push a little bit.
(Because Maybe that line has just gotten a little blurry.)
"Are you okay?" She finally asks and though she knows it may sound like only concern for a colleague, she’s surprised herself at the underlying concern that slips.
"Okay enough to finish my shift." Dr. Santos says with a sigh, pushing off the wall and faces her. Gone is the weariness, back up is the professionalism. It's not what Yolanda meant but before she can clarify, she’s met with, "-If there's nothing else Dr. Garcia, I'll get back to work.”
All Yolanda is left with is the stark contrast from this conversation versus when they were last in this position. All she can do is nod in response to which the younger Doctor takes as her cue to leave.
All Garcia can do is watch her walk away.
September
A few weeks later she loses a kid at the table.
They lose a kid on the table.
The girl was never going to make it to the OR, so they had called her in to rush a tube in Trauma 1.
In the end, by medical assessment the chain of care was meticulous, the response time fast, and the execution efficient.
Objectively, no one had made a mistake - and yet with the circumstances still against them at the end of the day, they just couldn’t save her.
Olivia Johnson was only four.
This is how she finds herself needing to take a breather, by her car. Leaning against the back door of her cross back, arms crossed, mind active replaying every step that led to the flatline.
Again and again and again.
All against the sunset on the horizon and cooler temperatures beginning to set in.
That's how Dr. Santos finds her, slowing down her pace and pausing a few feet away. Yolanda looks up and catches her gaze before she looks to her right and sees Dr. Santos' own car a few spots down.
(Because of course it's Trinity who finds her in a moment of vulnerability.
The irony isn't lost on her but she's a big girl and is known for confronting things head on so-)
She turns her head at the R2 and gives a nod in acknowledgement. In response it looks like the younger doctor makes a decision and stops pauses in front of her.
“About Olivia-“
“-I’m fine."
“-You're clearly not."
“-I don't want to talk about it."
"Then don't. It's like I'm going to tell you you need to go see a therapist or something." The younger doctor replies cooly but not maliciously.
Yolanda usually hates 'petty' but thinks she really should have seen that one coming.
Color her impressed.
She lets out a laugh.
Maybe it's the ridiculousness of the situation, maybe it's the timing or the place, but after it subsides she feels the smile linger on her lips and a small smile grace the younger Doctor’s face.
It’s then Yolanda realizes it’s been a long time since she’s seen Trinity smile.
Far too long.
(She misses it.)
She catches Trinity's lingering gaze on her lips and it's like after confirming the presence of her smile she nods to herself.
“Goodnight Dr. Garcia.” She says softly with a soft grin on her own features as she moves to her car. She finds the words escaping her just as softly.
“Goodnight Dr. Santos.”
October
From their last interaction it seems that their silence has transitioned into more.
Still something unsaid but something comfortable.
One she admits she enjoys.
It’s not like they’ve gone back to texting for hooking up, but more so when they interact over cases, she sees the return of the younger doctor’s amused grins to her quips. A small break from the professional mask that is now the younger doctor's norm.
And if Yolanda is extra snarky when they share cases, she'll surmise it to them sharing similar humor.
(Not at all because she's chasing glimpses of the younger Doctor's grins).
In addition to those glimpses is also the frequency to which they catch each other in the parking lot. Given that their cars are usually parked near each other, she's gotten used to the end of she shift being marked by a 'Goodnight Dr. Garcia' in passing, or a nod of acknowledgment from inside their respective driver seats.
Tonight is no exception, and she finds herself sitting in her driver seat adjusting the orientation of her seat to soothe the ache of her back that being in motion for 15 hours for can bring as she catches Trinity in her rear view mirror. Once their eyes catch, the R2 lifts a hand in greeting.
That is until someone calls out.
It's the med student.
Joy Kwon.
Yolanda has clocked it for a few weeks already. The lingering gaze, the hopeful eyes.
And it's clear the med student has developed a crush on Dr. Santos.
And it doesn't bother Yolanda.
It doesn't.
At this point it’s been months since they’ve been anything (if you could consider what they previously had anything). She knows objectively how good looking Santos is, and through first hand experience the allure of the younger Doctor.
Of course other people were going to be attracted to her.
It was a given.
So she ignores the knot in her chest and forces down the pit in her stomach because they aren't anything. Weren't anything-
It was just casual and it shouldn't bother her.
It doesn't.
(Shit. It does.)
As the conflicting feelings present themselves she is grateful for the privacy of her car, and finds herself still as the med student catches up Trinity.
"Dr. Kwon." Trinity says in greeting, side stepping a little further so when the med student reaches her so they are not directly behind Yolanda's car but rather adjacent. She knows Trinity had done so to give her room to back out of her spot to leave (she does not), instead, it inadvertently puts the two younger doctors in direct line with her side mirror.
“I know you were getting ready to leave but I wanted to catch you."
"Sure, did you need my perspective on a specific case?"
"Actually, it's for personal reasons."
"Oh."
"Since my ED rotation is coming to an end, you won’t be my senior anymore…I was hoping to shoot my shot and ask if maybe you'd be open to getting a cocktail sometime?”
The moment a cocktail is mentioned, Yolanda the knot in her chest feels heavier, but she disregards it and instead focuses on Dr. Santos' change in demeanor as brings a hand to rub the back of her neck.
It's a nervous tick she recognizes not of the competent confident Dr. Santos but of Trinity Santos.
And Yolanda is reminded of all the times the Trinity's confidence on the clock who would shift to bumbling awkwardly through their conversations off the clock.
(She had found it cute).
She then thinks of ramen in bed laughing over whatever trash show is on the laptop between them.
She thinks of light, easy, something that allowed her t be in the moment.
Thinks vaguely that maybe Trinity has always had a knack of letting her slow down and be in the moment rather than rushing through.
She used to think it was a bad thing, but maybe-
Maybe she doesn't know anymore if that's necessarily a bad thing.
(Maybe it could be something good.)
"Wow... um. I'm really flattered and you're great don't get me wrong..." Trinity starts but then pauses to take a breath "but-"
"-But." Joy reiterates with a sigh to which the other doctor winces.
"-I'm not in any capacity to entertain anything right now. " The R2 finishes.
"Understood...What about something that's casual?" The Med student replies and Yolanda hates that she can see those damned hopeful eyes that shine through the usually unaffected exterior. The silence that follows feels like an added weight to her chest and Yolanda doesn't even realize she's waiting with bated breath.
(She also vaguely wonders of Trinity knows that though her windows are closed that she can still hear them.
Given the younger doctor's posture she thinks not.)
In the few seconds that follow it's like a number of thoughts run through Dr. Santos' head. First shock, and when that passes it's a small shake to herself and a self deprecating smile on her lips as she looks back up and green eyes meet hers briefly in the side mirror.
It the feeling in her chest now pounds harder against her ribs. Before Trinity's eyes move back to the medical student with intent.
"I've... recently learned that I don't do casual very well." The Doctor starts, and Yolanda feels herself needing to grip the steering wheel to ground herself.
(Inhale. Exhale.)
"And I'm still figuring things out but I know when I'm ready, I'd like something real-" She says with a deep sigh, like this is coming from deep within, a realization not yet verbally articulated, "-something all in and worth waiting for or building towards a future, you know?" She says with a shrug of a shoulder, putting her hand back in her jacket pocket.
"Anything else would just seem like a waste of time and thats the last thing I'd want to do to anyone...waste their time that is." She finishes softly and looks back at Joy with kindness.
"I respect that." The med student "But um, if you change your mind-you know where to find me?" Finishes tentatively.
"Sure." She says kindly. It's clear this is a professional relationship the green eyed doctor has come to enjoy, so the care and consideration is apparent. As the younger med student walks away it lays there.
The what if.
What if things were different?
Yolanda wonders briefly, would have Trinity said yes? Would she have said no?
(It has the opportunity to suffocate, but good thing Yolanda never chooses to focus on what ifs, only definite.)
After Trinity gets in her driver seat, Yolanda doesn't wait for their usual greeting.
She just starts her car and drives away.
November
"What do we got party people?"
"Delayed pneumothorax patient came in two hours ago, alive present and breathing, complained of chest pains, thought it good to observe. It escalated quickly to shortness of breath and now difficulty breathing, it's grown." Dr. Santos replies while adjusting the gurney to lie down flat.
"Ahh well look that that Doctor Santos, seems like they'll need a chest tube." She replies with a small grin while putting on her gloves.
The R2 doesn't reply, just sends her a quick look, and Yolanda catches the glint in her eye. If it was ten months ago, it goes unsaid that both know the younger doctor would have jumped at the opportunity but now is withholding her ask.
And Yolanda wonders briefly if she'll ever catch Trinity not withholding herself around her ever again
(But that's a thought for off the clock.)
"Okay, blade to Doctor Santos." She states and revels in grin the R2 throws her. As they start the procedure, it's complete focus as Yolanda instructs the R2, and when she looks up, she sees the grin has grown into full blown smile.
"You know- you can express yourself if you find something cool." She says with tone (she'll admit is slightly flirtatious) as she steps back.
"Oh Don't worry Dr. Garcia, I'll be sure to write the experience in my journal for later." Is the witty response as Doctor Santos finishes up.
All Yolanda can do is just smile and shake her head. The moment is short lived though as Dr. Willis pops in to check.
"Okay looks good here- lets get him prepped for OR." Willis says and is the one who accompanies the gurney "- Garcia, I'm gonna need you to stay on the floor, got paged that we have another one incoming." She nods in acknowledgement and steps out, the R2 accompanying her.
Trinity lets out a sigh and Yolanda caught the smile.
"That escalated quickly." Yolanda Starts, as this type lull is very rare between the two.
"Yeah, and I'll admit pretty cool. But wait-" The younger doctor says holding out a hand to stop her. "-I thought surgery gets even days."
"True, but consider it my birthday present." She says, with a smirk.
"You remembered?"
"How could I forget? The Spicy Scorpio." She replies crossing her arms with a playful grin.
She knows The memory of the first day rests between them as an echo of a grin also rests on Trinity's face accompanied.
"Any plans?" Yolanda continues as she continues walking to the central hub.
"Um. Not really. Probably will just gift myself an extra session with my therapist and call it a day." Doctor Santos says in reply.
At that she tilts her head.
"Therapist?"
"Oh...Yeah, took your advice back in July. Talking, feelings, boundaries all that good stuff." Doctor Santos says nonchalantly with a shrug of her shoulder as they come to stop at her work station.
"Oh...I'm glad."
"Yeah, it's done me good." She says and Yolanda sees it.
She truly does.
"Garcia, we need you in Trauma 1!" They hear someone call out and yet even though Yolanda would usually find it in her to rush away, she can't help but linger for another second.
"Later Garcia." Doctor Santos says with a two finger salute as she sits for her charts and Garcia can't help let but let the moment stretch to another second.
"Later odds." She replies with a grin before rushing off to the next case.
She gets a slice of cake door dashed to the hospital and leaves it in the break room with a post it that just says 'Happy birthday to the Spicy Scorpio.'
(She asks Perlah to let Trinity know something was left for her in the fridge in passing and allows herself a small grin when on the way to the next consult, she catches a glimpse of the R2 in the break room eating cake.)
December
"And what series of unfortunate events landed you picking up a shift on Christmas?" She says as she walks up to the central hub and gets a snort as the R2 looks up her chart.
"None. I volunteered." She says with a sigh.
"Oh?"
"Didn't need the drama that came with the 'family cheer'" she says with air quotations and Yolanda finds the sarcasm eliciting a grin from her "-this year." Trinity says briefly looks up but returns to her charting.
(Yolanda remembers: therapy, been good. Boundaries. Progress.)
"The upside though is that I might actually be able to get out of here at a decent time."
"No staying over additional charting?" She asks leaning over the counter of the hub.
"Call it a Christmas miracle." The other doctor says with a chuckle and there it is again, Yolanda thinks to herself.
The ease.
The desire to actually savor the moment instead of letting it rush by.
"If you think you'll be out at a decent time, you think you'd be able to meet me at the parking lot by 7?" At her question a slow tentative grin graces the younger doctor's face.
"No promises, but will try to not keep you waiting." The R2 says leaning forward as well.
And Yolanda thinks of the way against all logic she gravitated toward the doctor in front of her on her first day.
Thinks maybe in every shape or form it was an inevitable collision.
(Even with all the trouble.)
Because that was always going to be the conclusion wasn't it?
(She was always going to be worth the trouble.)
"See that you don't." She leaves with a smirk.
Hours later when she approaches her car she feels it. Something she hasn't felt in a long time.
Nerves.
But as she approaches her car and catches Trinity already waiting by her car, she reminds herself to approach composed.
" Christmas miracle indeed." She says coolly as they are finally within a few feet of each other. The other doctor stands straight and chuckles in response.
"It's Christmas. Between charts or a welcomed distraction, I'd choose the latter as a gift to myself." The R2 says with a grin and a shrug of her shoulders.
"So I'm a distraction?"
"Technically I said welcomed distraction." At that Yolanda can't help but chuckle which the younger doctor shares with her. After a beat, Trinity's hand goes back to her neck, and Yolanda recognizes the tick. Before she can ask why, the younger doctor starts.
"Actually I was glad you asked to meet up cause I uh...actually got something for you." She says reaching into her pocket and handing her a small box. Yolanda reaches out to receive it and looks at in surprise. "Um...you can open it." Trinity says with the hand going back to her neck. Yolanda opens the box, and sees two gold studs that are shaped as scalpels. Upon seeing it she feels the smile rest on her lips again.
(She notes that tends to happen with increased frequency around the R2.
The smiles.)
"Very impressed you came across something like this. Thank you. It's... Thoughtful" She says holding back up the box. When she looks at it, a warm feeling in her chest spreads.
"Yeah that's actually the point. Um..." The younger doctor looking down and shifting the gravel under her feet. "It's a callback to that first day. I...I know we never got to talk about it but I back in July I wasn't in a great place, and I... apologize if I demanded more from you than were willing to give."
And it's in that moment Yolanda feels herself still. Because what started out as a hopeful moment seems to be morphing into something final.
Something that echoes the lead up to a goodbye.
And suddenly instead of endearment, the studs feel like something she wants to throw across the river.
Because in as much as she loves them, it's not something she wants to hold on to if it means moving on.
"I know you don't want to talk about feelings but I'll let this out and I promise I wont say anything about this again."
No.
No.
"A few month ago you gave me quite the wake up call and I'm grateful for it. Truly. I've been working on personal growth since then and it's given me some perspective." She says finally looking up to meet her eyes. "You're um... you're someone I respect on a professional aspect and care for personally so... I hope we can continue as colleagues or even friends in the future." The younger doctor finishes on an exhale.
"I don't want that"
"Oh uh. Yeah sure I can respect that-"
"- No Trinity I mean-" she says with a sigh pulling her own box from her bag.
"Whats this?" Trinity asks with her own look of confusion at the box.
"Just open it." Upon unwrapping the box, Trinity holds out the tumbler that is the same purple as Yolanda's scrubs.
(Surgery's Purple.)
"Sorry I'm confused?"
"I didn't even know you'd be on shift today but had this in my locker for a week."
"Oh. Um..."
"I got that because I am unfortunately very aware of the copious amounts of caffeine you take every shift." She continues with a hand pointing to the tumbler for emphasis.
"I don't think I'm the only one-"
"-I am also aware you complain that if coffee has lost its heat it loses its punch. "
"I mean it'd December and coffee is supposed to hit like it heats the soul-"
"All of this to say is, in the past few months I've unfortunately become more aware of you." And at her statement Trinity's brows furrow in even more confusion that is so adorable. It almost makes up for the frustration Yolanda feels at her own word vomit.
Because of course if anyone would cause her to lose her composure it's the R2 in front of her
(And all without even trying).
"I'm sorry?"
"I'm saying this badly. So I'm just going to be straightforward with you."
"Okay?"
"Do you want to grab coffee with me sometime?" She says while looking at Trinity straight on. A few expressions cross the younger doctor's face, surprise, shock, contemplation. So even though the moment stretches, Yolanda faces it head on.
"I...thought you preferred cocktails?" Trinity finally asks with a head tilt and searching gaze.
And there it is. The distinction.
Because in as much as months ago they were familiar with ending nights in the warmth of tangled sheets, there was always facing the coolness of the morning after.
But Yolanda wants to be intentional about this.
Because she doesn't want this to end.
(Not when she hasn't fought for the chance for this to truly begin.)
Dr. Yolanda Garcia certainly is not one to beg but she is one to fight for what she wants.
And she knows she wants this.
Them.
Her.
Not just Doctor Santos but Trinity Santos.
She wants it all, even it if it isn't always easy.
(Given her career choice, honestly, it tracks she thinks to herself.)
"You're not wrong, but I figured a change of pace might be beneficial." She says and congratulates herself that her voice carries out more confidence than she feels. "I was thinking about starting with coffee and...maybe see what we could...build from there if you were...open to it." She finishes tentatively. When she finally meets Trinity's eyes, she sees a hopeful glint in them.
"I'd like that."
New Years.
They end up in Trinity's apartment for Pittsburgh's First night fireworks and as they watch from the rooftop she hears a sudden chuckle beside her.
"What?" She says as she nudges her shoulder.
“Just found it ironic that we did end up watching the fireworks together after all.” The younger doctor says as she leans her head on Yolanda's shoulder. She responds with a smile as she leans her head closer as both take in the sight.
Yolanda thinks about the pace of their work and the rate it takes to move on to the next case.
Thinks it apt that instead of feeling rushed she feels something steady brewing under the surface. Thinks it's something to be relished as it's built day by day.
(Thinks about the quiet warmth of possibilities mornings can bring.)
Thinks about inevitable.
She thinks about a lot of things but settles on one as she savors the embrace of Trinity next to her.
Though they may have taken the long way round, she finds they're exactly where they're supposed to be.