Chapter Text
Time slows as the last feeble attempt at day-light disappears behind the mountain tops. Itadori's face is lit with the final beam of golden rays. Catching strands of pink hair, turning them white, a halo adorning his curls.
Reason 1) The way you make the sun look foolish in comparison
His smile catches me off guard, eyes crinkled, dimples and all. A true smile, from the soul, raw and pure.
Reason 2) How I know I'm the only one to get to see that smile
It's selfish, this feeling curling within my chest, selfish, wrong. I'm wearing someone else's skin, it shifts uncomfortably on my bones.
He shouldn't be looking at me like that.
**
Shutting my dorm door behind me with a soft click, I'm overwhelmed with tiredness, it claws at me like a caged animal.
I long for sleep, like a mothers warm embrace I could only dream off. A distant forgotten memory, her arms around me, murmuring words blurred by time. Though I know only panic and pain will follow after sleep traps me in its depths. Nightmares plaguing me. Once I had loved curling up and forgetting, now I wished it never came, a slow poison taking me apart second by second. Minutes pass without me moving an inch, rooted to the spot, a coward blooming into an imbecile, thorns sprouting through my skin, letting iron intoxicate my lungs.
I know they are just dreams, none of it can hurt me, though there is nothing less that I want to see, then all their faces. A horror movie I can't turn off, eyes fixed on the screen, starring myself as the foolish protagonist who does nothing right.
If I look down now, I know my hands will be soaked through, a horrid colour fixing itself into my skin, something I could never wash off. Drip, drip. Screwing my eyes shut, please God, please not now, I just want to sleep.
No amount of dedication or prayers would save me from eternal sin, no amount of confessions could wash away the dirt engrained into my bones. No amount of begging could ever fade away the guilty pleasure I feel when I hear his name.
My room is far too small, my thoughts are far too loud, I'm stuck in limbo, watching as my mistakes plague my vision, I can't breathe-
Knock.
My head jerks sideways, tearing me out of my daze, blinking I glance at my door. It comes again, slightly more hesitant, I hadn't realised how quickly I was breathing now. Overly aware of how tense I was, chest heaving and dizziness clinging to the corner of my eyes like fungus. Without thinking, I open the door, light flings itself into my room without permission. Standing there is Itadori, hair a mess, red pyjamas hanging low on his hips.
Reason 3) how even tired you still look beautiful
"Hey." Itadori grinned sheepishly, before tilting his head, smile dropping slightly. "Are you okay?"
Adrenaline courses through me, maybe because of the panic which had been screaming senseless words in my head or maybe because of the way his eyes now lingered on me.
"Yeah- I'm fine, why are you here?-" My response is tired, quick, maybe too quick.
He frowns stepping in without invitation, the light behind him giving him a holy glow, like an angel, my stomach drops. "No, you're not." Burrowing his eyebrows, his eyes flicker over my face, glancing at my hands before meeting my eyes once more.
I look away first.
"Can you not sleep again?" I love hate how gentle he is when speaking with me.
Reason 4) how you talk when you know somethings wrong
"Itadori, I'm fine, go back to your dorm-"
"I can't sleep either."
Its now my turn to frown, I blink, waiting for him to elaborate. He shuffles from side to side slightly, fingers drumming at the side of his leg.
Reason 5) how you act when your nervous
"So.. if we both can't sleep, might as well keep each other company, that's logic right."
His eyes don't leave my face, as if trying to drill a hole into my brain. I'm quite for a moment. I should turn him away, tell him to bother Nobara with this. Though she would probably kick him in the balls if he ever tried to disrupt her sleep.
"... fine ..." I turn away before I can see his reaction, though I've memorised it enough times to know the exact expression adorning his face.
"Really!" He sounds far too enthusiastic.
Reason 6) how you get excited by simple things
"Yeah, I mean its logical, no point in us both being alone." I mutter, stomping towards my bed.
"Great!" He kicks the door behind him, which I shoot him a look for. Before he practically leaps upon my bed. My bed.
"Jesus this is nice." Itadori remarks, pressing a hand down on my mattress, as if he hasn't done this a million times. The darkness of the night gives the room a blue atmosphere. Secrets, and desires whispering in the back of my mind, the night giving us space to speak our minds, too much freedom.
The only light, leaks from my alarm clock, its bold red numbers declaring 00:06, allowing shadows to illustrate our surroundings. They cling to our bodies, forcing us and the darkness to be stitched together, binding it's inky black wings upon our spine. He's just laying there, fingers fidgeting with the blanket, unaware of the thousands of locked away thoughts resurfacing. Such sinful, disgusting thoughts. Coldness curling around me, a horrid sinking ache consuming me whole, why can't I just be normal, to be able to look at him without guilt devouring me.
"Fushiguro?" his voice sounded so distant, unable to reach or understand. "Hey- what's wrong, Fushiguro- Megumi!" Itadori nearly yelled my name, he was in front of me now, his hand curled around my arm. Concern etched all over his face, he was so close to me, so close. Warmth radiating of him as if he were flames.
"Shit you're cold, are you ill-?"
"I'm fine, just spaced out. That's all." I snap slightly, biting the inside of my cheek. My skin feels like its burning at his touch, unholy, rotting where the contact is.
"Why are you lying, no your not fine, for gods sake Megumi. I know you're not okay, alright, I can tell."
"What did you just call me?" I look at him now, voice soft then I should have let it.
"Fu- Fushiguro, sorry I mean Fushiguro." For the first time, he looks away before me, eyes darting to the side. A slight pink hue to his face, probably just the red light.
Reason 7) how you say my first name
"No, its okay.. I don't mind." I'm tired and stressed, I just want to sleep, logic decided it was no longer needed in this conversation.
Itadori swallowed hard, his Adams Appel bopping up and down, "Yeah?" His words are far too quite, murmuring secrets with night hiding our faces, and only the moon to witness,
I nod, "Yeah."
"Okay, Megumi," His words were careful, as if speaking a forbidden language, alien to him. "Then you call me Yuji." He pulls me over to the bed slightly, a gentle soft movement.
Reason 8) how tender you can be
"You need sleep, we both do. Nobara is ganna drag us out to town tomorrow, and there is a new Human Earthworm movie coming out. It's goin' be a busy day, so we need as much sleep as we can get, and its past midnight already." Yuji's voice was soft lulling me into a trance, tugging me upon the bed.
I was tired and not thinking straight.
"Hmm, yeah." I mumble, pulling the blanket over my head, normally numbness would sink into my bones, spreading like a disease. Though Yuji's warmth seeped through me instead, curling up somewhere amongst my ribs, a spark flickering in the darkness, getting far too close to my heart. God forgive me, I will repent this sin.
Reason 9) You make the numbness go away
I didn't want to consider the fact Yuji's shoulder brushed by back, nor the fact that the only thing in my mind was his steady breathing, grounding me to the simple pleasure of that moment. I didn't want to care we were in the same bed, as for once, fear didn't grip me in a chock hold.
For I knew that night I wouldn't dream of my parents screaming, dishes hitting the floor and shattering into a million pieces one by one. My father wouldn’t have grabbed me, alcohol reeking off him, as he yelled slurs at me.
I didn't re-live the moment I found out my sister wasn't going to wake up.
I didn't vision Yuji's heart being tossed to the side as Sukuan wore his smile like a piece of clothing.
That night I slept peacefully, with a boy by my side.
My head on Yuji's chest, his heart beating once, twice, three times. Holding me as if I were his last breath.
Reason 10) I feel safe in your arms