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It was a chilly night outside of Lukas and Jesse's home.
The snow gently falling, blanketing the ground with fresh powder. The wind whistling outside, whipping through the trees rustling the leaves that were left clinging onto the branches. An owl hooting somewhere in the distance. A wolf's howl in the distance. The occasional scurrying thing in the night.
However, the danger wasn't outside, but in.
The danger being a person who thinks that maybe they aren't enough. Sitting on the ground, blade in hand, pressed gentle enough against his leg that it didn't break skin... yet.
His ears rung so loudly with voices that told him to do it that he believed he had to at this point, just to get them to stop screaming at him. He just wanted to feel something! What he deserved! He was a bad person! He wanted to bleed!
He didn't know how he got there, and a part of him didn't want to know, but when he heard the knock on the door he saw it all flashing before his eyes.
Winter was in full swing, what with Christmas and all right around the corner. Lukas and Jesse had decorated their house with lights that twinkled and sparkled enchanting even the grumpiest soul.
Jesse had went and found them a tree that Dewey found especially interesting and climbed in all the time. Jesse and Lukas were lucky that they had chosen a minimalist look otherwise Dewey would have knocked off every ornament they put up. Lukas found that he loved the scent of pine. Calm and soothing on the soul.
Jesse was also loving this time of year since Lukas was constantly baking something. From cakes, to cookies, gingerbread and brownies. The house didn't just smell of pine, but warmth and sugar. If someone put a blindfold on Jesse and told him he was inside the bakery in town, he would have had to believe them.
Aside from the sweet festivities, Lukas and Jesse had also gotten gifts for each other and their friends. Jesse had himself a whole other side quest trying to find something for Lukas. The man said he was happy with whatever Jesse got him, which was proof that Jesse needed to go above and beyond.
Part of him wondered if it would be enough to show his affections for his beloved writer. He loved him. He loved him so much.
Jesse had invited their friends over for a Christmas party, almost like a reunion of sorts. Dinner included which everyone was happy about. Axel, Olivia, Radar, Nell, Ivor and Harper too. Even Petra was even able to make it since she'd come back to town for the holiday.
They'd played games, and told each other about things that were happening in their lives. They'd made hot chocolate and apple cider sitting around the fire and talking like they hadn't even spent time apart. With everyone around laughing and having fun, it was hard to think that something could be amiss, but there was.
Someone's smile didn't reach their eyes. Someone's nails scraped along skin that prickled, beginning to feel numb. Someone's mind began to shut down and their emotions ran cold. Someone wasn't feeling right, but they pretended they were okay.
Lukas curled up on the couch, nestling close to Jesse's side as they heard all the stories everyone had to tell. Axel's retelling of the greatest explosion he's ever witnessed in BoomTown history, Olivia speaking about the amazing inventions everyone in Redstonia and how amazed she was with the theme. Petra was telling everyone of her own latest adventures. Fending off a raid for a village and now she's praised as a hero among many of them, finding nice views, and interacting with other adventurers. Radar spoke about the plans for BeaconTown since there was always something to be done, Nell talking about the every once in a while shift she had at the bakery, and Ivor and Harper mainly keeping to themselves only ever breaking silence when Ivor boasts about one of their adventures and Harper has to correct the actual events that occurred.
Dewey pawed at Jesse's arm. Jesse picked up the cat and placed him on his lap and he too nuzzled close. Lukas idly rubbed Dewey's head making the jungle cat purr. Everyone looked at each other with the same expression.
"Hey Jesse." Petra called. "When are you going to make it official?"
Jesse tilted his head slightly. "Huh? Make what official?"
"Oh nothing..." Petra idly sipped her hot chocolate like she wasn't brewing chaos. "Just you and Lukas. When are you gonna pop the question and marry him?"
Jesse was so glad that he wasn't drinking anything because he would have spit it everywhere, Lukas wasn't as lucky. Lukas choked on his apple cider.
"What?!" They both exclaimed, scaring poor Dewey who jumped up onto the back of the couch.
"Yeah, I mean you guys already act like a married couple. It's only the natural next step." Olivia chimed in.
"Not you too Liv!" Jesse huffed out a laugh.
"Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but they do have a point." Ivor hummed in a agreement.
"Oh gosh, not you too Ivor!" Lukas buried his face in his hands. Jesse laughed and rubbed his hand on Lukas' back.
"I kinda always felt like you guys adopted me in a sense." Radar added.
"Yeah, I'd always got those vibes too." Nell chimed in.
Jesse nodded slightly. He did feel that in some ways they did treat Radar like their kid. He just acts just like they did when they were younger. It's hard not to watch him fondly when he runs off like a little kid.
"Even before BeaconTown, you guys were always lovey-dovey." Axel said.
"They were, weren't they?" Olivia nodded along. Lukas flushed a deep red while Jesse rolled his eyes at their friend's playful banter.
"I mean, if you don't want to then you don't have to, but someone might try to steal him away from you Jesse." Petra took a swig of her hot chocolate. Lukas shook his head, stood up, and took his and Jesse's mug.
"You guys are being ridiculous." He gestured to Jesse's mug offering to get him a refill. Jesse nodded. Lukas walked over to the kitchen and got him and Jesse a refill of hot chocolate and apple cider. "No one is going to steal me. I don't want anyone else."
Lukas set Jesse's hot chocolate down on the table and sat back down next to Jesse sipping his cider.
"You say that, but what if there is another super cool adventurer who comes along and Jesse hasn't popped the question?" Petra teased.
"Then I'd turn them down like I do with every other person who flirts with me." Lukas shrugged. Lukas set his mug down next to Jesse's. "I love Jesse and I'm not leaving him. Not for gold or diamonds, not for the promise of fame. He's my muse."
"You two make me sick." Ivor bemoaned. Lukas looked to Ivor incredulously.
"You're literally holding hands with Harper!" Lukas pointed.
"And? It's different when we do it." Ivor huffed.
"Really?" Harper chimed in. "How so?"
"Well, because you're perfect."
Everyone made some sort of disgusted sound at Ivor's sweet words. Petra and Lukas began to poke and tease Ivor as he argued back with them.
Most everyone was having a great time and the conversation soon moved away from love and popping the question, though it did stay on the topic for some time.
Lukas leaned back against the couch and rested his head on Jesse's shoulder.
"Are you okay?" Lukas whispered to Jesse who tensed up at his question.
"Yeah, I'm perfectly fine. Are you?" Jesse pressed his cheek against Lukas' head. Lukas hummed gently.
"You'd tell me if you weren't, right?" Lukas questioned.
"Yeah." Jesse acknowledged. "Of course I would."
If only that were true.
Late into the night, everyone started to retire early. First Ivor and Harper, then Olivia, then Nell went back home. Axel and Radar stayed up later than most before Jesse and Lukas told him to head to bed. Axel crashed on the couch, that left Petra to be the last one awake sharpening her sword by the fire before she too succumbed to her bodily needs. Jesse and Lukas soon went to their bed too. There was nothing moving. Not even Dewey.
However...
One person was in the throes of a nightmare. Death and terrifying close calls. The pain of axes in his chest. The scars that itched and hurt.
Gasping awake, Jesse sat up looking around manically. He knew that the dark room was his own, it smelled like his things. It smell like Lukas' belongings too. It was home. He knew it was in his mind, but the phantoms that screamed in his head made him think otherwise.
Not enough... They said.
Do better... They drawled.
You were never a hero... It lied.
You don't deserve to be called a savior... He knew...
You don't deserve to live... Jesse shook his head.
You should just do it... Jesse looked to the bathroom.
You could kill two birds with one stone.... Jesse threw the blanket off of himself.
A punishment like you deserve... The numb feeling was beginning to take over, and Jesse felt like he couldn't breathe.
And the feeling of something, anything, in return...
Jesse slipped out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him and let out a soft whine. It hurt. For some reason, the numbing sensation hurt! It hurt!
Jesse swallowed thickly as he sat down on the bath mat.
He needed to calm down, he needed to breathe. Everything was fine. It had to be, everyone was there for Christmas. It was supposed to be a good time where everyone was happy. He needed to be good enough! He needed to be happy for everyone! So why couldn't he feel happy?!
Jesse yanked open one of the chests that were nearby. One held towels, another held shampoo and conditioner. Hidden in one of them was a thin blade. Short and sharp. It felt too light in his hand compared to an actual sword.
Jesse let out a shuddering breath. He shivered when he pressed the cold blade against his leg.
So here he was... sitting on the floor with someone knocking on the door.
Jesse panicked.
"I-I'll be out in a second!" Jesse shuddered. He cut his thumb on the blade and hissed dropping it.
It hurt... it hurt a lot.
Jesse pressed hard against his thumb to stem the bleeding.
"Jesse?!" Called a voice. It was Lukas. "Jesse, what's going on in there?!"
"Nothing! I'm-" The lie was slipping so easily off his tongue. Suddenly, he was overcome with a rush of emotions and his mind couldn't agree. His body felt hot as he realized something. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to cut himself. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to lie to Lukas. No, he loved him. He felt the tears falling before he even knew what to do. "I... I need help..."
Lukas slammed into the door causing it to burst open and Lukas tumble in hitting the ground hard. Lukas took in Jesse's hunched frame and trembling body and hurriedly came up beside him.
"What happened?" Lukas asked carefully, gently... never forcing an answer while still trying to decipher the situation.
"I... I'm so sorry!" Jesse sobbed. He handed the small blade to Lukas and rested his head on his shoulder. Lukas looked horrified while he could before he schooled his expression. Did... did Jesse want to kill himself? Cut himself? Was it something he wasn't doing? "I don't know what came over me! I just felt like I deserved it! I didn't do enough! I don't deserve to be loved by you or anyone else!"
Lukas swallowed hard. He ran his hand through Jesse's hair and pressed a kiss to Jesse's head before he pulled away.
"What makes you think that?" Lukas questioned. He stood up and went to find a first aid kit. He sat back down beside him and gently pulled Jesse's hand toward him. He looked at the cut across his thumb. Deep and bleeding profusely. Lukas' expression softened and he cleaned it carefully.
"I don't know..." Jesse whispered. He flinched hard at the feeling of the disinfectant. "I don't know why I feel like this..."
"Then how do you know you deserve it?" Lukas wrapped the wound, the blood soaking into the bandage.
Jesse didn't really know how to answer other than his mind, his body, told him that he did. But... why did Lukas' words make him doubt that? Why did those thoughts suddenly feel dumb and stupid? Why did he want to cut himself? That hurt. It hurt so much and he didn't want to do it again. Then there was Lukas himself. It made his heart hurt that he wanted to do that, to hurt himself despite being so loved by him. It made him feel guilty. What must Lukas be feeling when he showed him what he was thinking of doing?
Lukas tilted Jesse's chin up. "Hey, no sad face. You made a mistake and you don't know why, but you're okay and that's all that matters to me. I'm here for you. I want you to know that you never have to feel alone. Not while I'm here."
"Sometimes I think I don't deserve you..." Jesse melted into Lukas' touch. Lukas shrugged with a hum.
"I dunno. I feel like this should be the other way around." He mused. "I was an arrogant jerk to you for years when we were younger. I didn't hardly stop Aiden or Maya or Gill, and sometimes... ugh... a lot of times... I still cringe at myself. But, I don't regret moving in with you. I don't regret our adventures, or our life together. I don't regret loving you. And I hope you don't regret loving me."
"No. No, I'd never regret loving you, my dearest. Never in a million years..." Jesse felt more tears in his eyes. He didn't want to go through with this anymore. The numb feeling was gone and his body felt exhausted. "I'm so sorry Lukas." Jesse murmured. Lukas shook his head and pulled Jesse close.
"It's okay. You didn't do anything, and you're okay now. It's going to be okay now." It would take time, but they would be okay.
Early in the morning, before the sun came up, Jesse sat on the front porch. Dewey had joined him sitting on his lap.
Snow was falling, coating the ground in fresh untouched snow. Jesse had luckily brought out a blanket and Dewey was a nice source of warmth too.
His hands fiddled with a present in his hand, something for Lukas. He stared out into the constant white thinking nothing in particular while he waited for everyone to wake up so they could open up their presents. The only reason Jesse woke up so early was more nightmares. Ones of blood and death. However, this time he didn't let dark thoughts and whispering voices that didn't speak truths win over his mind. Instead he went outside to let the cold shock him back to reality.
He was shaken from his thoughts when he heard the door open and close behind him. Lukas smiled as he leaned over Jesse. Jesse looked up to see Lukas staring down at him with a big dopey smile on his face. Jesse couldn't help but smile back.
"I thought you'd be out here... considering this is the last place I looked." Lukas hummed. "Can I join you?"
"You know the answer." Jesse opened up the blanket. Lukas practically scurried to hide in its warmth when a sharp breeze blew by.
"Hm, there's no harm in asking." Lukas shivered. Jesse pulled him closer. "Why are you out here?"
"I just..." Jesse breathed out seeing the air cloud up in front of him. "I just... hoped the cold would wake me up."
Silence was filled with the occasional howling wind. Lukas rested his head on Jesse's shoulder, looping his arm around Jesse's.
"Are you okay?" Lukas asked. It was a loaded question, but it was soft and it had an out. But Jesse didn't want to lie to him anymore.
"I will be... maybe later." Jesse huffed with a slight shrug. "Give it a few weeks."
"And that's okay." Lukas hummed. "I'll be here with you the whole way."
The sun rose just above the tree line painting the area in a beautiful golden hour. Jesse was able to catch Lukas' expression. Soft and gentle the light making icy blue eyes shine with the brilliance of glaciers. Jesse swallowed hard as he held the present tighter in his hand.
What does he give the man that doesn't want anything?
Jesse wrapped the blanket around Lukas and set Dewey on his lap. Jesse took a step down so he was kneeling in the snow. Lukas instantly telling him to get up so he wouldn't get sick. Jesse taking his hand and gently shushing him. He pulled out a tiny box with a ribbon on it. He opened it and showed him a ring. A simple silver band. A promise.
"I give you this ring as a promise to love you all my life." Lukas shivered again though this time it wasn't from the cold. Cold silver met warm skin. "I give you this promise ring as a show of my word."
What do you get the man who doesn't want anything? The undying devotion of his everything.