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Tyler was still buzzing with energy when he stepped into the house, adrenaline bumping through his veins after the show. It was good and it was getting better. More fans were coming, not only the usual faces he could see every night, no, they started bringing friends and those friends brought their own friends. The crowd was growing and even though there were still people who just moved from side to side, most of them was screaming the lyrics loudly, looking up at the stage where him and Josh were playing. All of these people coming there for these two, waiting to see if they would hear their favorite song live. Now it was barely after two am. Show ended about three hours ago but him and Josh had to clean with Mark and then stayed a bit too long in the car to talk about things they loved during the performance and about everything they could make better. Tyler's heart still couldn't calm down and he wasn't sure what caused it, the show itself or the way his friend's curls felt under his hand. What part of talking about the show even required for it to happen? Tyler didn't care. No one could see it and question it anyway. It was just for them two.
He was so lost in his thoughts, soft blush still on his cheeks when he closed the door behind himself, that he realized too late that something was wrong. Instead of a dark room, he was welcomed with bright kitchen lights and almost his whole family sitting by the table. All of them staring right at him.
His smile immediately dropped. He quickly tried to remember if he did something wrong. He didn't forget to hide the CDs from Josh and he had his phone with him so there was no way they could find something in his messages with the drummer. He also remembered to pray before the breakfast. What could it be then?
"Mom? Dad?"
He grabbed his keys tighter, looking almost like a deer in the headlights. He looked from his parents to Zack and Maddie. He looked at the stairs, guessing Jay was already sleeping.
"Our son finally decided to come back."
He still didn't move, tilting his head.
"I'm sorry?"
At that Kelly stood up, just pointing at the empty chair. Tyler silently took the seat, his head hanging low.
"We were trying to be supportive, really. We get that you chose a different way, wanted to focus on music, stay in your basement and make songs. We decided it's your life and you could do whatever you want to. But this? This is something that now is starting to affect us all."
Wait, what?
"But mom, you told me in the basement I can be as loud as I want."
At that his mother shook her head, looking at her husband. It was as if they already made a decision about Tyler's situation when he didn't even know what was happening yet.
"What day is it?"
Oh. Oh no.
"I went to the mass yesterday. I couldn't come today, in the morning we were too busy with rehearsing and later we had the show."
"Priest didn't see you there for some time now, Tyler."
"It's because I went to Josh's church." He hurried to explain. "I was already at his house and he asked me if I wanted to go, they already know me there-"
And that's when whatever pretended calmness his family tried to fake crumbled and the whole room suddenly moved. Zack was looking at his parents, saying 'I told you so', his sister was groaning and looking away, his mother repeated Josh's name with something in her voice that almost made it sound like a disappointment, when his father slammed his hand on the table.
"That's exactly what we are talking about, son. You're straying away from God, all for that boy!"
"We don't even know if you two actually go to that church or do- who knows what!"
Tyler could feel his face flush as tears appeared in his eyes. There was no way his family was implying what they tried to, right?
"But, but, Josh believes in God, too. His family is going to the church and he sometimes even plays in it. And we aren't doing anything else, it's just music."
It couldn't be happening. Maybe they saw their texts after all? But even then, those weren't that bad to cause all that reaction. And his family also wasn't coming to their shows so they couldn't pick anything from it. It had to be a misunderstanding, there was no way they were suspecting anything.
"You probably don't know because you decided our church isn't as interesting anymore..."
Zack started, rolling his eyes with a deep sigh. "But people are talking about you. And no, not about your music. But about you being a faggot."
Tyler's heart stopped at the word. He had to use all of his inner power to hide the hurt and shock on his face instead looking down on the wooden table.
"Zack, I told you not to use that word here."
"But if that's what he is."
"Zack."
His brother looked away, not even giving him one glance while Tyler was still so, so lost. Where did it come from? Him and Josh weren't even together. They slept in one bed at times and hugged more than once but it didn't mean anyone would know about Tyler's feelings. And then his mother started talking again.
"Tyler, people are talking. You aren't coming to our church, you spend all the time with that boy who looks like he has nothing better to do. Izzy mentioned what happened between you and her daughter. You didn't even try to pretend you're interested in that girl. Do you know how ashamed I was? I had no words to explain why my son thought he doesn't have to answer her texts just because he's busy with his friend who isn't even a girl."
"What Josh not being a girl changes? He's just my friend, whatever you're trying to tell me! We just make music and hang out together, nothing else!"
He was getting desperate. Why did he have to explain himself out of something so private and delicate? His family wasn't supposed to know. Not now, not ever. It was something he was keeping in his heart, his thing that should never see the light of the day, too sacred to be talked about, too dangerous to think about for too long.
"Don't lie to me now, boy. Even Zack has to listen how his brother is staying for the night with other men, instead of all the girls that want to be with him, that he completely ignores."
"But we aren't doing anything!"
Tyler yelled, tears spilling down his cheeks. He felt as if his family saw him making out with Josh after a show when the closest they got to it was waking up right next to each other and Josh using his toothbrush by accident. He wished that was what he had to worry about but then what would be his parents reaction when they were ready to tear him apart over a few gossips?
"They say you're acting like a girl." Zack spat out, crossing arms on his chest. "Can't control his own emotions, always yelling, screaming and crying. Maybe that's why you need another man, because you can't even act like one."
Tyler looked in horror between his parents, trying to see if any of them would say anything, if they would even take his side. Even Maddie stayed silent though, just looking down at the table without a word.
"I don't understand how can you just say it all. It's - whatever you all are thinking, it isn't true! We are friends!"
He said the truth, even if he wished he would be lying right now. Why did it feel as if his family was judging him for the thoughts alone? Was it God trying to finally get to him? Finally having enough of his sinful thoughts so he decided to punish him like that? No. It wasn't the final punishment. It was just the beginning of the hell he would have to go through. Because he already knew what the next words would be.
"We want you to stop meeting with him so often. Playing the shows is fine, if you can't find another drummer, but maybe spend the time you usually spend at hanging out with him on something... More useful, like trying to find a nice girl. You already have a lot of them trying to interest you."
The issue was, Tyler wasn't interested. But he wasn't about to say it. He couldn't stand being in that house any second longer, hearing how they tear into his and Josh's relationship. Anything they said would be better than trying to pull him away from Josh. And he knew it was God striking down at him for letting his thoughts wander into small venue bathrooms and the quiet of Josh's car when they weren't supposed to. It was a punishment of his own making.
He stood up, face wet with tears. He couldn't just leave. His father would be after him before he could even blink. Instead he didn't give them another word, heading upstairs, his hand rubbing at his wrists. He could hear his parents talking about leaving him alone to 'think' about it and to pray to be fixed.
He knew it was too late for that.
He locked himself in his room, teary eyes looking around to find anything that could help him run away. He knew he couldn't be alone. Not now, not when the night was just a promise of an even worse day.
Tyler opened the window, making sure he had his phone in the pocket, putting his feet on the small roof over their doors. He listened for any voices in the kitchen but looked like his family finally decided to go to sleep. He put his weight onto the roof tiles, checking for any noises louder than the sound of the wind outside, then slid down until he could get his feet on the ground without breaking anything.
He couldn't take his car, it would for sure caught everyone's attention, but Josh's house was near enough that he could just walk the distance. Tyler wiped his eyes and nose best he could, taking in a deep breath as he started the walk. He had to try not to think. If he did, the darkness would swallow him whole especially when now even the light of the moon felt like it was judging him. Like everything in the world knew his biggest sin now.
He stopped in front of the well known house, looking up to where Josh's window was. He took out his phone, only now thinking he could text him earlier but on the other hand it would only worry the other boy. He wasn’t like the rest, not like the people who were pretending to listen to his music but in the end didn’t understand what it was really about. The ones who knew, all those faces that got covered in sweat and tears at his words being screamed out were the ones who really understood what he was trying to say. All of them trapped in his own thoughts with no escape, the only relief in the way of finding someone who’s brain was sick in the same way.
And that’s what Josh was to him. Josh, who was smiling, so beautiful, as if he wasn’t woken up with the same nightmares as Tyler. Maybe it was one of the things he loved the most about him, how even after everything he had to experience, he still looked at the world as if it was deserving of his gentle eyes and tender touch. And for Tyler it meant everything, because that way one day he would deserve it too, even with his eyes too terrified to be soft and hands too rough to give comfort.
He took out his phone, calling Josh as he stared into his window. It took just a few seconds before he picked up, voice rough. Looked like he was able to fall asleep soon after coming back.
“Tyler? Everything’s okay?”
He had to bit his lip not to let out a sob at how worried the other sounded.
“Can you open the door?”
He heard some shuffling on the other end of the line and immediately after he could see the light coming from Josh’s room, his drummer’s head appearing in the window.
“Wait there, I’m coming!”
Oh, it definitely woke up the rest of the guys in the house. Whatever, wouldn’t be the first time and Tyler really had other things to worry about right now, especially that soon Josh was opening the door, concerned look on his face as he noticed wet cheeks and red nose. Without asking, he took him inside.
“Redbull?”
The drummer asked at which Tyler just shook his head. He felt as if he would throw up if he tried drinking or eating right now. And then, finally, Josh took him to the room upstairs, sitting them together on a bed.
“What’s happening?”
The voice was so different from Tyler had to experience and listen to at home that he couldn’t control tears welling up in his eyes again and sliding down his cheeks as his arms started to shake. What did he do to deserve someone like Josh? If it was just a test from God why did it come in a form of everything Tyler ever asked for?
“It’s my family, they- they want us to stop hanging out.”
That was one way to put everything that happened. But all the other words that he was called weren’t able to make his way through his throat and in the end – that part was what hurt him the most.
“What? Why?”
Josh’s face was now frowned with confusion and anger. Tyler hated it and now he hated his family. He could bear being called names but putting that expression on Josh’s face was a sin bigger than what he was doing.
“They say we are- they say we are sinning. That because of you I stopped coming to church, that I’m not spending as much time with the girls from the neighborhood as I should.”
Tyler explained quietly, starting to tug at his hair, swirling them between his fingers, soft sobs leaving his lips. He wasn’t going to tell Josh about the gossips, he knew how anxious he could get and he already was dealing with the stress tied to shows far worse than Tyler.
“But you’re coming to church with me, Ty. We are going every sunday or saturday if we have a show. It’s told it isn’t a sin if you do it in the evening, the day before.”
Oh how Tyler wished it would be the reason why his parents decided they needed to try to ruin their friendship.
“That’s not where the issue is- not in the end, at least. They know I wouldn’t miss the mass but the issue is with me going to them with you. They think our relationship is wrong, that we are angering God. I tried to explain it but even my brother is now judging us. They think I can still fix myself if I step back."
He could hear Josh taking a breath in. After all this conversation could be leading anywhere. He had no idea about the way Tyler already saw through who he really was, that under that shell of a pretty boy was a hiding an angel sent either to save or finally doom him.
“But I won’t. I can’t do it, Josh. Whatever they will think, whatever anyone is going to. Even if it’s a sin.”
Tyler reached his hands out, gently taking Josh’s, staring at them from under his eyelashes. It was exactly like he hoped for. Those hands were able to carry the sins of that ugly world, so they could hold Tyler’s dirty palms as well.
“But Ty, it can’t be a sin, we are... We are just friends.”
Smart Josh. Smarter than anyone else Tyler met. He knew what he was doing right now, prying the confession out of the other boy.
“But it’s been a long time since I looked at you as only a friend.”
That was the final test. Everything that God planned for him, was coming to an end here. There was no going back, he was either going to be punished one last time right here and there by Josh standing up and leaving or the world was going to keep spinning like nothing happened under that roof.
He closed his eyes, not daring to look into his best friend’s eyes, as he leaned closer until he was met with soft lips. And God, if the forbidden fruit tasted the same, he couldn’t blame Eve for eating it.
Tyler stayed there, word stopping as he waited for the strike. For the hell to open it’s gates and swallow him whole. And for a moment he thought it came, when Josh’s hand let go of Tyler’s, but a moment later he could feel the warmth on his cheeks, lips being pressed back as the world started to spin again. He opened his eyes just for a moment and was met with curls and eyelashes and love so big he had no other choice than to close them again just to not get blinded. Warm thumbs rubbed his cheeks as the lips moved, taking out a soft gasp from Tyler, his head spinning.
Finally they pulled away, needing the ear, even angels apparently needed to breath. And then there was Josh, sun beaming at him. There was no way it was sinning, right? Something as beautiful as Josh couldn’t anger God. Maybe that way they both would survive.
“Whatever happens now, I’ll be with you, Ty. We are in this together.”
The sun spoke as he leaned his forehead against Tyler’s. And suddenly the dark couldn’t reach him anymore.