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No matter what people might say, it was the quiet moments that Thomas loved most about Alex. Not the rush of adrenaline that would overtake him in the heat of battle, or the meetings that would go on for hours, until they devolved into nothing more then shouting matches.
Even as exquisite Alexander looked with a flush on his cheeks as he sliced down the enemy, or firing off point after point at a poor bastard who’d decided to argue with him, hands gesturing wildly.
No, it was none of these moments that held a special place in Thomas’ heart.
Those were the days when Alex would lean against the doorway, tired eyes gazing at him with such affection that it would shake him to the core before lying down with him in his bed, bodies pressed flush against each other.
Sometimes they would throw lazy arguments about the war at each other, Thomas laughing whenever Alex lost his train of thought, words slurring together as his mind raced ahead of his own mouth.
But other times they would just lie there, for a while, comfortable in the easy silence that would permeate the room. If it had been a particular hard day of battle, Alex might nose sleepily at the crease of his neck and shoulder, before speaking up softly.
“I heard you had to degenerate again today.” There’s a vague note of disapproval in his voice and Thomas stiffens, even as Alex snuffles against his neck.
“I-you were in danger. They came from behind, the cowards.” His lip curls at the memory of it. He’d been fighting alongside Alexander, just as he always did, when 3 gems had run at them through the chaos of the battle.
They would have shattered Alex, had he not stepped in the way and raised his cane against their swords. He had lasted only a short time against the three of them, but it was long enough for Alexander to have run across the battlefield once more, reckless abandon in every step.
A bitter corner of his mind notes how he’d never even noticed that Thomas wasn’t right by his side.
But then he’d felt metal sliding so bitingly cold in between his ribs, and in between a gasp and a thought, he’d dematerialised, retreating in his gem with a last, desperate hope that he wouldn’t be crushed on the battlefield.
Thankfully, Lafayette recognized his gem lying innocuously on the ground, and he’d scooped him up with an exasperated sigh, and a muttered, “You need to be more careful, mon ami.”
Whenever Thomas had regenerated, in the safety of the makeshift hospital, he’d always woken up alone. James might be sitting beside his bed sometimes, but not often. He always had work of his own to be doing after all, and no matter how much he insisted that Thomas was more important, his attention would always get pulled away.
But he didn’t mind. James would always get so excited when he was talking about their next steps forward, the plans that would surely ensure the end of this godforsaken war once and for all.
All he had to do was nod along and add in his own little quips and witticisms that would make James look down at him disapprovingly.
But he’d stumble back to his quarters soon enough, even at the weak protests of the nurses hovering around him. He knew that he should take more time in his reformations, feeling the aches and scrapes of his body that didn’t seem to go away even when he regenerated.
“You don’t have to do that for me.” Alex’s voice is soft, and as his arms curl around Thomas’ sides, he sighs, leaning his head back.
“But I do.” Turning to face him, he rests their foreheads together gently. “You’re the most important person in this war. If you were to get hurt-”
His breath catches and he shakes his head. “No. You have to be protected, above all else.”
Alex’s hand is gentle as it reaches up to cup Thomas’ cheek, and his eyes are too understanding, yet not understanding at all. Not in the way that they should be.
“But how could I fight without you? The very reason that I do all this every day?”
Thomas leans into the soft kiss that is offered, eyes sliding shut in the comfort it gives him, but mind still racing with one thought that never-endingly haunted him.
Lies, lies, lies . You don’t fight for me. You fight for humanity. That’ll always be your one true love, they’ll always be your one true love.
It puts a bitter taste in his mouth and a sharp, tugging twist in his stomach that he can’t ignore, even through the love and affection that Alexander pours on him.
How could he ever be worth so much?
Because as Alex dazzles everyone around him with a smile and a laugh, all that he does seems to be wrong, wrong, wrong. His ideas are always too risky, he’s putting himself in too much danger, there’s too much at stake. He wants to scream that there’s nothing to lose anymore, there’s nothing that’s worth more then Alex and what Alex wants is humanity to be safe, so shouldn’t that come above all?
But of course he doesn’t say this. He couldn’t bare to see the shock and realization that would wash over Alex’s face, the sympathy on Lafayette’s, and the horrifying, terrible conclusion that everyone else would reach.
But then the war is over, and Thomas can finally breathe again. Can finally be reassured that Alex isn’t going to die, isn’t going to leave him, that they can stay on this planet forever, no matter how much the pinpricks of light dotted in the sky seem to call to him with a language he isn’t sure he remembers how to speak.
And then, without warning, Philip is there.
And Alex is gone.
And every little thing that the young gem - boy? - does causes a new lump in his throat, a new nauseating swirl of his stomach, a new reason not to face everyone’s oh so pitying gazes every day.
Because Philip is so much like Alexander, in everything that he does.
In his laugh, in his smile, in the way that he is filled with overflowing love for everyone around him. Thomas almost can’t take it when Philip unknowingly says something just as Alex would, the same amount of wonder and knowing in his voice that makes his breath catch in his throat.
But it’s when he’s so passionately angry about something that Thomas has to run away once more. Because he even talks like him, the same fire burning in his eyes, that refuses to be put out even in the darkest of times.
And it’s in those moments that he truly knows that Alexander isn’t coming back.
Because no matter how much he hopes, prays, longs for him to return, he made his choice long ago.
And it wasn’t Thomas.