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Asuka breathed a sigh and leaned back in his chair, closing his eye and running his hand down his face. He grit his teeth through the sensation of his fingers brushing his wings. The wings that had been a side effect of his meddling in magic he shouldn’t. The magic he’d once studied as a scientist, amongst friends and fellow researchers that he loved like a second family. And then there he went, ruining it all because he could only think of himself.
He always did this, getting lost in thought and stuck in his own head. He spiralled too easily. His mind wandered too much. And yet, he couldn’t stop it.
Aria and Frederick. His dearest and closest friends, he’d destroyed them. The whole world, he’d destroyed it. The world was irreparably ruined and unrecognizable. It was all his doing.
He was snapped from his thoughts and turned at the sound of the door to the observatory gliding open with a quiet whir and he quickly composed himself as his clone stepped into the room,
“Kreuz,” He greeted, doing his best to smile even still as the back of his mind continued to hammer into himself that guilt and despair,
“Asuka.” R# nodded back, a nicer smile on his face than one Asuka could ever give, “You think loudly,” It commented, stepping around his desk to sit opposite of him. Asuka blinked,
“Excuse me?”
“You have a tendency to accidentally influence Tír na nÓg’s magic system when you are deep in thought,” R# explained flatly. Asuka averted his eye, feeling his face flush, “I presume it was about Aria and Frederick. Again.” It continued, leaning forward. Asuka breathed a sigh, dipping his head,
“Can you blame me? You said it yourself, you recall my whole existence of being,” Asuka grumbled, raising his elbows to rest on the desk and hold his hands at the back of his head,
“Of course,” He answered, “But it’s a bad habit to dwell on the past. It’s been over a hundred years at this point, this is unhealthy and you know it,”
“And yet…” He mumbled under his breath, unable to face the man near identical to himself. He looked too much like himself. Like a version of himself that wasn’t ruined by his every action. Like a version of himself that was perfect, a man that others would care about and that could be lovable,
“Asuka.” His own voice broke the silence. He snapped up at the sound of it, meeting the one eyed gaze of his other self, “This is what I’m talking about,” R# leaned forward, resting a palm on the desk as it did so. He narrowed his eye, his feathers rustling ever so slightly with his furrowed brow, “You need an escape,”
“I’m-“
“Exiling yourself to the moon is not what I am talking about. Don’t play the fool, you know what I mean. I’m not dancing around this with you.” R# deadpanned, “You need a break from your own thoughts.” It continued, its glare hardening.
Was he frustrated? This was frustration, of course he recognized it, why was he pretending he didn’t? R# was right, he really was playing the fool,
“How do you propose I take a break? I can’t exactly just turn off my mind,” Asuka forced himself to stare back at R#, as much as he wanted to crumble under his gaze,
“There are many ways to relax. A massage, a hot bath, sexual release. Even things like exercise or creative endeavours have been known to help relieve stress for some.” R# explained simply, standing back up straight and holding its hands behind its back.
Asuka nearly choked at the mention of sexual release, taken off guard by its mention. At his reaction, R# rolled its eye,
“Don’t be childish.” He chided. Asuka averted his gaze. Of course he wasn’t meaning to be childish, he just hadn’t expected the mention of sex, “You need to relax. I listed many options. Take your pick. They’re all doable here,” R# swept its arms across the garden they were in.
On every side of them was a hall that houses much too many amenities for just two people. Enough equipment to last hundreds of years, enough to keep them entertained and not mad. Asuka sucked in a breath and averted his eye,
“You know you always have my help,” It added on. Asuka glanced back to it to see its gentle smile. Again, it was one Asuka could never see in the mirror, on his own face. Asuka breathed a sigh,
“I guess a hot bath doesn’t sound too bad…” He muttered, looking down to his feet, feeling embarrassed and ashamed. He felt like he didn’t deserve the relaxation of a long hot bath, but he knew if he voiced it, he’d just get another lecture from R#, as he so often did. And so, he conceded and looked back up to R#, whose smile softened. He clapped his two hands together gently and stood up,
“Wonderful. I will run the bath in the master bathroom. I will assume you like your water the same heat I do,” R# said quietly. It dipped its head and then began to walk away, leaving Asuka in the observatory. He looked up to the dark sky above, the deep vastness of space and the few stars that dotted the black. He sighed and picked himself up from his desk. He brushed a few of the plants as he walked past them to step back inside.
Asuka stepped into the bathroom and carefully closed the door before him. He kept his eyes trained down, the sound of the water still running filling the air,
“Just about ready. Would you rather be left alone to bathe or should I help you?” R# spoke up. Asuka paused in the motion of taking off his shoes and looked up to R#, his sweater removed and gloves nowhere to be seen,
“I…” Asuka hadn’t anticipated the question. He’d assumed he would just bathe himself and be left alone. Though, now that he thought about it, maybe it was a bit counterintuitive to this whole attempt at calming his mind to be left alone with his thoughts. His hesitation, clearly noticed, was broken by R# speaking up,
“I think company will benefit you,” It commented. Asuka breathed out, and nodded slowly,
“Yes, I agree.” At his agreement, R# smiled gently and leaned over the large, ornate tub and turned the tap off. Below the tub, Asuka noticed a magic circle,
“To keep the water hot. Like I said, I assume we like it the same heat. Roughly a hundred degrees, Fahrenheit,” R# explained. Asuka took in a shaky breath and continued to undress, feeling slightly awkward under R#’s gaze, as if they weren’t identical.
He pulled off his sweater and then de-robed. He was skinny, he knew that, but he rarely, if ever, paid attention to his body. Now, he felt almost painfully conscious. As he pulled up his shirt, he caught a glimpse of his own pale skin in the mirror, and saw the ribs that protruded from his chest.
He frowned, and looked away, ignoring that he could still see in the corner of his eye how thin he was. He knew he didn’t eat well, hell, he barely ate, but it was different to be faced with the reality of what it was doing to him.
He turned to the tub, hearing the scrape of a chair across the large bathroom. As he hesitantly pulled down his pants he saw R# leaning against the edge of the bath tub, his fingers just barely dipped into the water. He gulped, and turned back to himself. He was uncomfortable. He shifted on his feet and turned to the mirror. Skin and bones. Pale and sickly.
A cleared throat broke him from his thoughts before they could spiral. He looked up and saw R# staring at him with a narrowed eye and its lips pressed into a thin line. It gave him a disappointed shake of its head when their gaze met.
Was he really that easy of a read? He looked down to his feet, catching sight of the stretch marks down his thighs. He let his hand drift to one of them and gently dragged it along the ridge, frowning. He didn’t have any scars. He’d managed to avoid battle, unlike so many others. He’d been a coward and sat in the shadows, avoidant and uninvolved. These were all he had. They were hardly glamorous or worth anything compared to scars earned in battle.
He turned back to the bath tub and pulled his hand away to hug his chest. The air was cold. R#’s gaze had softened, ever so slightly. It gestured with its head, a motion as if to say hurry up. Asuka closed his eye for a moment and steadied his breathing, forcing himself to focus on it.
He was trying to relax and calm down. He wasn’t allowed to linger on the past. This was his moment. He opened his eye and looked back down to the final piece of clothing he had to remove, his underwear. He looked to R#, who then tilted his head,
“I don’t…” Asuka trailed off, too embarrassed. R# let out a quiet chuckle and shook his head,
“It’s alright. No need to get fully undressed. We can just do your hair and maybe your wings,” He spoke up, reassuring. Asuka took a hesitant step towards the bathtub, feeling the plush bath mat beneath his bare feet.
His hugged himself closer, and then with a big exhale, he pulled an arm out of the hold and dipped his fingers into the water to test the temperature. Indeed, it was just about the perfect temperature for him. R# sat back and pulled his own fingers out of the water.
Asuka looked to the other and then back to the clear and still water of the bathtub. He dipped his fingers into again. It was the perfect temperature,
“No rush,” R# spoke up. Asuka just gave a nod in response.
Right. No rush. This was for relaxation. It wasn’t anything serious. He was trying to calm down.
He lifted a leg and took the first step into the tub. The water burned for the first few seconds before he adjusted and then he stepped in with his other leg. He shuffled on his feet and just stood for a few seconds, squeezing his eyes shut at the slight burn of the hot water.
Maybe if it was hotter, it would truly be painful. He wasn’t a masochist, far from it, but he couldn’t help how his thoughts drifted. What was the saying, about slowly boiling a frog so it doesn’t notice its dying? If he recalled, that was more of a myth than a fact, but if one forced themself to endure it, eventually the heat would become so overbearing that they wouldn’t be able to escape.
The thought was morbid, but he found himself wondering how long it would take for a human. The limits of the human body and how it varied, person to person. How long would it take for one to notice? How many people would try to endure? How many people would be incapacitated by the heat to the point of being a victim?
He blinked, a few of his feathers ruffling, and suddenly the guilt rolled in over his morbid curiosity. This type of curiosity was the exact thing that lead him to his mistakes. He was a god damn mad scientist that couldn’t control himself. This was exactly what was wrong with him.
He hugged his body closer and tightened his grip on his arms, digging his nails into his arm to snap him out of it. He grit his teeth and squeezed his eye shut,
“Asuka,” He snapped his eye open and turned his head in the direction of his own voice and met R#’s eye,
“Sorry.” He muttered. He shifted where he stood,
“Sit down,” R# ordered.
Asuka breathed out and carefully lowered himself into the hot water. He hissed through his teeth at the heat as he sat down in the tub and then he leaned back, resting his head at the edge of the tub. The tub had more than enough room for him to lay down, but he remained sat and brought his knees up to his chest.
He felt like a cornered animal, his mind supplied.
He closed his eyes, listening to the idle drip of the tap as it dripped leftover water into the tub and the quiet shuffle of clothing as R# moved around,
“Speak your thoughts aloud,” R# spoke up. Asuka let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding and opened his eye, staring up at the ceiling above,
“I feel like a cornered animal,” He repeated from his own thoughts, just as he was told to do. R# hummed in response,
“And why is that? You are not cornered. There are plenty of escape routes and I am hardly holding you hostage,” R# replied. Asuka hesitated,
“I cannot say,” He answered, hoping to drop the subject and that R# wouldn’t press. He refused to bring up the morbid curiosity he’d considered without thought just a few moments ago. He really did not want to linger on it. Well, he did, and that was exactly the problem why he didn’t want to linger on it.
R# turned and picked up a small cup and scooped from water from the tub. R#’s touch, when it moved to hold his face was gentle and soft. He leaned into it before he could even register what he was doing. He blinked and sat up straight, turning wide eyed to look to R#, who was just smiling back at him,
“Relax,” He began, “Asuka R Kreutz, you are a man deserving of love and life. You need to let yourself experience it,” He continued. Asuka sucked in a breath.
It was debatable, really, but of course voicing his disagreement would earn him even more ire from R#. It tilted his head back with its hands and then slowly poured the water over his head. Asuka closed his eye, and let R# repeat the action a few more times until his hair was thoroughly soaked.
He breathed out a sigh and R# echoed it with its own sigh as it turned with a shuffle and then the sound of a bottle unclicking. Asuka cracked his eye open and looked up to see R# above him, smiling down,
“Close your eye,” It ordered quietly.
Asuka did as he was told and heard the sound of R# squirting the shampoo into his hand and then next felt his hand grab the side of his head and gently pull his hair. Asuka tried his best to relax as his fingers dug into his scalp and massaged ever so gently but just rough enough. The pressure caused him to sink deeper into the tub, his body further submerging in the near scalding hot water,
“See? You’re relaxing,” It commented quietly as it continued to massage in the shampoo, “Is your mind drifting?” R# asked, close to his ear. Asuka just grumbled in response as a cascade of hot water poured over his head, one hand still holding his head while the other continued to work his scalp.
Another cup of water from the bath to wash out the shampoo, and then another. The heat of the water was a pleasant subtle pain that sunk him further into comfort rather than actual pain. Two hands returned to his hair began to rub in another soap, conditioner, likely, though Asuka found his mind was indeed drifting and that he wasn’t quite able to fully focus his thoughts.
His mind felt a bit dull and his body floaty, no thanks to the hot water, topped with the suds of his washed off shampoo. The pressure on his scalp returned and he hummed, leaning his head back and into the hold. R# joined in, humming along quietly to fill the air, his tune perfectly predicting Asuka’s.
His mind was quickly becoming a blurring buzz, and when fingers traced down to carefully thread through the feathers of his wings, the sensation of the gentle touch barely roused him. He struggled to formulate complex thoughts, struggling to even acknowledge the fact that he was struggling.
He let himself relax further, tilting his head into the palm of a hand cupping his cheek, a thumb brushing under his wings to graze where they emerged behind the placed medallion in his eye socket. Normally such touch would startle him.
He felt himself drifting further.
Asuka blinked awake, his ears ringing with a subtle static. He was in his bed. Above him, the ever present night sky, full of stars. Just barely out of view, the Earth continued to spin without him. He tried to sit up but his limbs failed him. It seemed he was still half asleep. He managed to force himself to turn on his side and stare at the wall instead. He blinked a few times, staring blankly.
He registered the emptiness of his mind and it was just like that, that the flood gates opened. Frederick, Aria, Justice, the Crusades, Raven, Baptisma 13, I-No, Jack-O, The Original, Happy Chaos, The White House incident.
He curled in on himself the best he could, with his weakened body, and grit his teeth, squeezing his eye shut and lifting a hand to weakly grip his arm.
R#.
He snapped his eye open and his body finally caught up with him as he shot up from bed. He looked around the room and there, across from his bed, R# was sitting, leaning sideways into his dresser for support as he slept, mouth slightly hung open. Asuka felt something in his heart clench, and the memory of where he’d been prior finally returned to him.
Of course.
R# had helped him relax with a hot bath. He must’ve drifted and passed out, and R# brought him to bed. And it didn’t leave him alone. He remained with him, even taking a seat to watch over him and then falling asleep itself. Asuka drew his knees up his chest and let out a shaky breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.
Maybe he could admit that if nothing else, there was one person who cared about him. Even if he couldn’t care about himself, at least R# did. And maybe acknowledging that was the first step. Maybe it was the beginning. He wasn’t used to feeling hopeful. He liked it.