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Jax could feel Pomni’s eyes on the back of his head.
He resisted the urge to turn around and scowl at her.
However, he couldn’t resist throwing a quick glance at the murmurs of conversation behind his back.
The sight he caught in his peripheral made his blood boil.
Pomni wasn’t looking at him anymore.
No, instead she was talking with Ragatha.
Perfect goody two shoes doormat Ragatha.
Well, the doll got what she wanted. He wouldn’t be corrupting Pomni with his friendship anymore.
After all, every friend he made here left him eventually.
Because of his corruption.
Jax could hear himself start to hyperventilate, a nauseous wave of self-’something’ curled tightly in his gut.
His legs moved under him with no real destination in mind, his brain screaming at him to get somewhere.
Anywhere where nobody would see him. Anywhere he could be alone.
The bright colors of the circus strained his vision, his environment blurring as he practically ran to the nearest random door of the tent.
He was grateful to find it led to a dim hallway and not an endless void or a punch to the face from a boxing glove (he could still remember the feeling of being clocked straight in the teeth when he had gotten the urge to explore his first couple days in the circus).
The hallway looked almost endless, thousands of different colored doors lined the narrow walls.
With no shred of hesitation, he opened the closest door and walked inside.
The room he entered looked somewhat normal, there was no furniture but the walls were covered in empty shelves.
There was no light source, leaving the space dark if not a little eerie.
Jax didn’t care, he lumbered over to the corner of the room and all but fell to the floor.
Pulling his legs to his chest, he let his head fall to his knees.
Every part of his body felt numb.
His hands gripped his arms tightly, he half expected the familiar sensation of nails digging into his skin but the feeling never came.
How could he forget? He didn’t have fingernails anymore.
Not with this stupid rabbit body.
He wanted to leave everything and never come back.
He wanted to-
“Kinger…you love me, r-right?”
OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
The universe actually really fucking hated him.
It couldn’t let him be miserable alone, could it?
Shit, he couldn’t be alone at all in this place!
“Of course I do,” Kinger’s voice softened, Jax could hear the faint shuffling of clothes. He hated how familiar their muffled voices sounded. “Are you okay, Caine?”
Of course, the nutcase would ask if an AI was feeling okay.
“Tell me you actually like me, t-tell me I’m someone’s favorite,” Jax flinched at the crack in Caine’s voice. “Please!”
On the other side of the wall next to him, the most melodramatic conversation was taking place and Jax could do nothing else but listen in.
He could take solace in the fact that he wasn't the only one miserable at the moment.
Gentle shushing sounds could be heard alongside the sound of sharp intakes of breath.
The phantom sensation of his hands gripping the sides of a sink hard enough to hurt, the muffled sounds of water rushing out of a faucet filled his ears, the sounds of his own breaths filling his head.
Jax swallowed back a wave of bile.
Caine had someone to help him through it.
Jax huffed out a bitter laugh.
After the sharp breaths slowly but surely faded, Kinger’s voice filled the brief silence.
“What’s this really about, Caine?”
“I-I…no one voted for me for the award, not a single one of them did…not even you.”
Crybaby
“I know it sounds stupid…but I do so much for them and not a single one of them even likes me.”
“Caine-”
“All these adventures, all my performances, everything I do is for them. I-It feels like sometimes they just…hate me and it just-just feels so…” Caine took a deep breath before biting out, “Unfair.”
The traces of vitriol in the AI’s tone sent shivers up Jax’s spine.
If he focused hard enough, he could hear the beginnings of a glitch flicker in the room next door.
In the most pathetic voice Jax had ever heard, Caine whimpered out a question.
“Why didn’t you vote for me?”
“I’m sorry, Caine. I didn’t know you cared about that type of thing,” A humorless laugh echoed in the room. “You’re always so full of enthusiasm and energy, always so quick to move from one thing to the next. I didn’t know things like this were weighing on you. I thought the whole thing was more of a uh funny popularity contest.”
Jax thought that too, that was why he voted for himself when given the ballot by Bubble.
But it was hard to enjoy the damn thing after what happened before it.
“I voted for Ragatha because that girl is really going through a tough time right now, I thought if she’d won it’d be a bit of a morale boost for her. In the ‘loser corner’, she opened up to me and…I really didn’t want her to feel like she was hated by everyone.”
Jax stiffened, his eyes narrowing at the patterned floor beneath his feet.
“She’s a lot like you, Caine. You both try so hard to keep everyone’s spirits up and you both feel you’re not…appreciated for it.”
"..."
“I’m glad you told me about this. I would never want to make you think I don't cherish you.”
Kinger’s voice turned steady and resolute.
“I love you Caine, never doubt that.”
Jax cringed at the wet sniffle on the other side of the wall.
“Thank you.” Caine's voice sounded awed, laced with pure reverence.
“If it means anything, the others in the circus don’t mean to hurt you. Hell, I’m positive none of them hate you. They’re all just…going through a lot right now and to them you look unshakable. If they knew how you feel about this, I’m sure they’d open up to you more.”
Jax could only hope Caine wouldn’t expect any special treatment from him, he didn’t have the energy to entertain the ringmaster. Jeez, the only reason he wasn’t getting a headache listening to him speak now was because he wasn't the one at the end of his creepy gaze.
“Do you want me to tell them?”
“No…no you don’t need to do that, my dear. I have an adventure in the works that I’m sure they’ll all love, after it I’ll…I’ll tell them. It’ll be like oiling up the hinges before opening the door.”
A small snort followed the stupid metaphor.
“Okay, Caine. I look forward to seeing it.”
“I look forward to seeing you see it.”
Ugh, their disgustingly mushy tones were back.
Jax was relieved to feel the strength in his legs had returned. As quietly as possible, he slunk out of the room.