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Amane doesn't know why. He really doesn't… it was simple. Simple, when he stopped thinking. No thoughts when he grabbed the blade and rammed it into his little brother's chest. When the scent of iron overwhelmed his senses.
A part of him already regretted it before the blade even lay in his palm.
But regret, in hindsight, was a part that couldn't be changed, even when Amane tried.
The silence afterward was unbearable. Tsukasa was no longer there to fill it. Because Tsukasa was gone. Gone, because Amane… Amane killed him?
Why did he kill Tsukasa? They got along well. He was sure of that.
So why did it have to end like this? Why couldn't Amane have controlled himself a little more—so that the knife didn't dig so deep into the flesh?
He really doesn't know why anymore. Once, he had known. But now…
It couldn't be undone.
Never, ever.
So who cares if he keeps just a little bit more of Tsukasa?
Today was Wednesday. Not much was going on at school, as usual. Aside from classmates complaining about the schedule, teachers scolding students, homework long forgotten on his shelf, and someone falling down the stairs.
There was never much going on in the outside world. In the outside world, everything was just overcrowded.
When Amane swung open the door at home, a breeze swept into the room.
When he closed it behind him, he also left the outside world behind.
Outside, the night was raging. But at home, it was quiet.
He remembered a time when it hadn't been quiet.
When the air was never still. Tsukasa had always had an aura that shattered any peace, any silence instantly.
He was loud, so loud that the neighbor's dogs would join in barking, that the walls would stretch and stretch, as if pink elephants were floating through the air, or violet parrots were in the freezer—that was just the way Tsukasa always was.
Amane tilted his head back. The back of his head touched the wood of the door.
He took a deep breath. It smelled cold. Like books. Like laundry detergent. The smell of rice that was still sitting on the table. He hadn't touched it. Not this morning. And not yesterday either.
Normally, the food waste would probably have bothered him. But today it didn't.
A gray emptiness sat lodged in his stomach. No hunger. No interest.
Just tired.
Seconds stretched into minutes. From the minutes, time flowed away, like a small hourglass.
He'd once read that time here and somewhere else in the world didn't pass the same way.
It passed, but one passed faster than the other.
Amane can't agree with that.
After all, he wasn't anywhere outside of Japan. Why would he be? No one from their grade was.
And yet… he had found the thought strangely comforting.
If Amane thinks about it now… then he and Tsukasa are like that too. Tsukasa was the time that ran behind him. Amane was the time that was already ahead.
They share the same time.
But Amane is still further along than Tsukasa.
Tsukasa's time has still stopped.
And Amane's keeps moving.
…
Something like that.
…
Whatever. Thinking was exhausting.
How ironic, when you think about it. All he wanted was to not have to try anymore. Who would have thought the day would come when even that alone is too much?
Somehow, he felt the emptiness was bigger than before. Or maybe not.
He closed his eyes.
Opened them again.
…
So why keep sitting here? The floor was cold. Not that it would make much difference.
Whatever.
He probably shouldn't sit in front of the door forever.
…
The steps to the bedroom felt endless.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five… Six…
It didn't feel like he was walking on the ground. Have they heard of gravity? It's supposed to bind objects to the earth.
It didn't feel like that was the case for Amane.
Ten. Eleven. Thirteen. Fifteen. Sixteen…?
His limbs were filled with stones. He used to collect stones with Tsukasa. Stones were beautiful. They had colors. They had patterns. Tsukasa once gave him a moonstone. It was supposed to be from the moon. The moon is 384,400 km away from Earth.
Amane doesn't know where it is anymore.
Eighteen. Nineteen.
…
…
…
Fifty-one. Fifty-two…
…
Where was he again? Oh yes, the moonstone. Amane had given it to Sensei. Right.
…would Sensei notice? If he disappeared. If he disappeared with Tsukasa. Amane didn't doubt that Tsuchigomori-sensei would be the first to notice. Probably because no one else would ever notice.
…
He had stopped counting. What was he even counting for? It would be much more interesting to count the stars. On a cloudless night on the school roof with Tsukasa…
Ah. Right. That's not possible anymore either.
It was probably Amane's own fault again. Who else could he blame for taking it away from himself?
Of course not.
The bedroom door in front of him looked like the mouth of a whale. Like the sharks from movies he'd watched with Tsukasa.
As if it could swallow him in one gulp.
He closed his eyes again. One, two…
Amber shimmered faintly in the gentle light. Right. He'd forgotten to turn on the light. Only children are afraid of the dark. Tsukasa never was. Amane… apparently wasn't anymore either.
In a night that belongs only to us, there are fireflies. In a night that belongs only to us, you take my heart. Take my heart, take it, take it, far, far into a night, lit by fireflies.
Take my heart and tear it apart~ tear it apart, tear it apart, until nothing remains but the pieces in your hand.
A children's song whispered to him from the back of his mind. He didn't remember where he knew it from.
He didn't know, and Amane decided that it was okay. Amane decided he didn't care… or did he?
How ironic.
The time around him hadn't changed. Only Amane hadn't, trapped inside his own head.
A smile spread across his face. He couldn't say how much of it was real. What was real was this powerlessness that remained.
It would remain tomorrow. And the day after. Until it ends. And no one knows why… Amane started counting the days until that would happen. Maybe at least this part was real. Maybe this part in the smile was real. This relieved part, waiting for Amane to finally stop sobbing and screaming, again and again, breaking every single day.
The door handle beneath his hand was finally pushed down.
"I'm home, Tsukasa."