Chapter Text
"Jiji, when you asked me to 'train' with you, I wasn't expecting to run alongside a Shinkansen while you spray painted a phallus on it."
"Aw, come on, Brokarun! Auntie Seiko said you need to work on your endurance, I figured keeping pace with a bullet train would do wonders for your noodle legs!"
Normally, Ken would have some kind of snarky retort to Jiji's teasing, but after going all out once and walking home for the last 35 minutes, all he can think about now is noodles-
A deafening growl rises from the empty depths of Ken's stomach.
"Read my mind, bro. Look, there's a Konbini up ahead. Let's fuel up, still got a ways to go."
"You know how Seiko-san feels about snacking before dinner, Jiji. And don't say 'what she doesn't know won't kill her!', because she always knows!"
"Yeah, it's kinda freaky. One time she smacked me with her fan for eating ONE peanut an hour before dinner!" Jiji holds up a finger to emphasise his point.
"It's okay, dude, we'll just grab some drinks and one snack to share between us. We can eat while we walk to keep our strength up, and it'll burn off by the time we get home. How's that sound?"
Ken pauses for a moment to think of an argument against Jiji's extremely good idea, but his stomach beats him to the punch with another mortifying groan. Jiji takes this opportunity to throw up some finger guns and sprint towards the Konbini before Ken can get a single word in.
"I knew you could be reasonable, Okarun, wooooooo!"
Ken jogs after Jiji, his body is sore and tired, but still has a lot of juice left thanks to all his training from the last couple months. Once he steps inside the Konbini, he's hit with a wave of refreshing cool air, lovely. He looks around the store and finds Jiji robotically scanning the shelves in rows like a printer, searching for the perfect snack. Ken snorts at the goofball's behaviour, and makes his way to the fridges to grab drinks. Two waters, and a Pompy for Momo, perfect.
"Okarun."
"Gah, Jiji! What the hell??" Ken nearly drops his drinks, the red-headed giant didn't even make a sound! Just materialised right behind him!
Jiji's face is unreadable as he slowly lifts his arm to point to a previously unseen corner of the store, Ken's eyes follow the direction and-
Oh, yes, of course. How could he not see it before?
There, shining with the light of a thousand suns, rests their salvation.
A cardboard stand, picked clean, save for one bag of chips.
Limited edition, curry flavour.
"Perfect." The boys mumble in unison.
Now, Ken always saw himself as a polite man. Not royalty, by any means, but good enough to not be seen as an animal.
Until now, that is.
The handful of minutes between grabbing the chips, and bursting out of the store were a blur. Ken vaguely remembers drooling all over the cashier's counter and almost eating Jiji's fingers as he fumbled with his coins. He'll never judge hyenas in nature documentaries for eating voraciously ever again.
Now, the boys stand outside the Konbini, cradling their precious treasure like a newborn. They're poor men who just found gold, they've found an oasis in a desert. Seiko be dammed, they'll take the beating for eating before dinner. They're dying, and the cure rests in their palms. Nothing can stop them from satiating their starvation, nothing can-
"Suh' dudes?"
Ken whips his head to the side, flinging a hanging strand of drool onto the side of his face, he doesn't notice.
"Woah, bro, lookin' a bit feral there. Can't blame ya, those chips look good."
Ken takes a moment to observe the man standing before them.
He has long, unkempt hair with a rusty red tinge, a heavyset build, and blood-shot eyes. He looks like he hasn't slept in days, but if that's the case, he doesn't seem bothered by it. He's leaning against the side of the store, and he looks relaxed, unnaturally so. Like if he were to relax any further, he'd fall out of his own ass.
Despite the man's calm demeanour and familiar manner of speech, Ken can't help but feel on edge. He isn't unnerved enough to not be polite, though.
"Y-yeah, they're limited edition, we were lucky enough to get the last bag."
Jiji slings his arm around Ken's shoulder.
"Yeah, lucky isn't even scratching the surface, we just had a crazy workout. We're starving, there's nobody in the world who's hungrier than us right now!"
The man's face flashes something for a moment, neither boy can make out what it is.
"… Is that so?"
A beat of silence passes.
Suddenly, the man's tongue shoots out of his mouth at an unbelievable speed, heading straight for the chips. Before the boys can react, it sticks to the bag and yanks it into his hands. Jiji and Ken both roar furiously as their treasure is taken from them, they rush to attack the man only to slam face first into an invisible wall. They repeatedly punch and kick the barrier in hopes of shattering it and reclaiming what's rightfully theirs.
The man holds up his hands in mock surrender.
"Woah, woah! Chill out dudes, I ain't gonna hurt your chips. Yet."
Jiji is the first to voice his rage.
"LISTEN HERE, DUDE. WE'RE STARVING, WE BOUGHT THOSE CHIPS, THEY BELONG TO US. GO GET YOUR OWN FOOD, I BET WE'RE HUNGRIER THAN YOU ANYWAY!"
The man considers Jiji's outburst for a moment.
"Hm. You bet, huh? Alright, how 'bout this: eating contest. You two 'gainst me, prize is the chips."
Ken's eyes widen, where has he heard this before?
"Jiji, wait-"
"You're on, thief. Two hungry-ass teenagers versus a tired old man? We eat contests like this for breakfast!"
The man chuckles at Jiji's bad joke, and his features sharpen. His nose elongates into a snout and his smile widens to reveal multiple rows of razor sharp teeth.
"You don't know what hunger is, boy."
"What the-"
"Jiji, that's a Kowai! Miss Ayase told me about them, they're gluttonous yokai with endless appetites! We can't win an eating contest against him!"
"Okarun." Jiji places a firm hand on Ken's shoulder.
"We're hungry, and we need to get those chips back, we have no choice."
"Wha- Jiji, let's just buy something else-"
"Okarun." Jiji squeezes Ken's shoulder. "Free food."
The yokai laughs again.
"Then it's settled! Take a seat, dudes."
The boys turn back to the man and find a table with an all-you-can-eat buffet waiting for them. Eastern curries, sushi, noodles, and tofu. Italian pizzas and spaghetti. Steaks, potatoes, and gravy. All foods piled and towering above their heads. Any concerns Ken had are promptly thrown out the window as he slams his ass down at the table, Jiji thumps down even harder next to him.
"Rules are simple, brah, if you stop eating, you're out."
The first few minutes were absolute nirvana, all the food was cooked to perfection. Gourmet quality meals filling the boys bellies in ways they've never been filled before. Ken was eating so voraciously, he forgot he needed to breathe multiple times, but he managed to stay conscious. Jiji was making the most disgusting noises he'd ever heard, grunts and moans that would make anybody gag. Ken didn't care, because he was making the same noises.
As Ken eats, his senses begin to return to him. He notices Jiji beginning to slow down, looking a little uncomfortable. He feels his own stomach beginning to fill up, and he hasn't even made a dent in the mountains of food!
Shit.
Once again, Ken is a polite man, honest.
It's not his fault that his mouth needs to be full of food at all times, even when he has to speak.
"Jiji, I'on know if I c'n keep dis up."
Jiji simply grunts and nudges Ken's arm. The message is clear, even without words.
Keep it up.
Apparently, Jiji can't follow his own advice, because 10 minutes later, he slams face first into a bowl of spaghetti Bolognese.
The Kowai cackles, somehow able to eat and speak at the same time.
"Oh, bro, that was pathetic! I can't believe you let string bean here out-eat you!"
Ken tries to hide the sting of those words. He's not exactly happy with his body, even though it's seen improvement in the last couple months.
Jiji notices Ken falter, and immediately shoots up to take a supporting role by his friend's side.
"Come on, Brokarun, you can do this! Think about the chips, remember why we're fighting!"
Ken appreciates Jiji's attempts at motivation, but his stomach is full to bursting, he can't keep it up any longer. The arm shovelling food into his mouth begins to slow, his eyes begin to water, he begins to feel nauseated. He casts a longing gaze over to the chips, so close, yet so far. Perhaps in another life they can be reunited.
"Y'know, Momo would still be going at full speed."
No…
Ken's competitive side rarely shows in full force, but when Momo is involved, he needs to win. He thinks back to all the eating competitions they've had at Seiko-san's house, the countless times she's destroyed him, and the two times he's won. He's been training for this, and he didn't even realise. This yokai has nothing on the black hole that is Momo Ayase's stomach, if he can keep pace with her and stay conscious, then this'll be a piece of cake.
Mmmm, cake…
"I'm going all-out!"
In an explosion of red and black, the table is stripped clean of all food, the cloth, and even some plates. The Kowai's jaw drops to the floor with a dull thunk, and his red eyes bulge to the point of nearly popping out of his skull.
"Wha… What the fuck was that, brah?!"
Ken only has the wherewithal to shoot a single finger gun at the yokai before falling backwards onto the ground. Jiji somehow finds the energy to jump for joy, despite the discomfort in his stomach.
"Alright, dude, a deal's a deal. Give our chips back." Jiji reaches out a hand towards the Kowai.
"Brah, no one's ever… You- You cheated!" He points an accusatory finger at the half unconscious boy on the ground.
"Ate d'uh food." Ken mumbles before hiccuping.
"You heard the man, he ate d'uh food. Gimme chips, please." Jiji jerks his hand toward the Kowai again.
"You…" The yokai snarls and shoots up from his seated position, slamming his hands on what's left of the table.
The Kowai unhinges its jaw and begins retching, its body jerking unnaturally with each sound. Eventually, several strands of spaghetti start slithering out of his gaping maw, toward the boys.
Jiji resists the urge to vomit at the sight and starts shaking Ken by the shoulders.
"Yo, Brokarun, looks like trouble, we gotta fight!"
The unconscious boy opens a single eye and vaguely points it towards Jiji.
"Buh…"
More food begins to fall out of the yokai's mouth, all making its way towards the two boys.
"Okarun, get up, dude!"
"Guh."
"Shit."
Jiji stands up and turns to face the yokai alone.
The food has coalesced into several monstrous masses, sharp steak bones and magma-hot gravy held together by spaghetti tendons.
They look… weirdly delicious.
Focus, Jiji!
"Okay, think. Keep your distance, pull aggro from Okarun. Need to get the Kowai, he's controlling them. Think, think think!"
Jiji scans the battlefield and his eyes land on the drinks Ken bought in the store, if he's lucky they'll still be cold!
He narrowly avoids a spray of hot gravy as he dives towards the water bottles, still cold!
"Yo, Evil Eye!"
IS IT TUESDAY??
"No, buddy, it's not, but I'll let you fight this time, you gotta help me out here!"
WE'RE FIGHTING TAKAKURA??
"No, not Takakura, food!"
FOOD??
"Yes, Evil Eye, food! I need your help, please!"
CAN I EAT THE FOOD??
"Ew! Normally I would say yes, but it's that guy's vomit!"
GROSS! NO TOUCH!
"Yes, I agree! We need to take out that guy behind all the food monsters! Gah!"
Jiji gets clipped in the shoulder by a spray of gravy.
"Shit, Evil Eye, I can't keep this up, will you help me?!"
FINE, BUT I WANT AN EXTRA TUESDAY NEXT WEEK, AND I WANT A REMATCH WITH TAKAKURA ON SMASH BROS!
"Yes, we can do that!"
Jiji wastes no time dousing himself in the cold water, and he's immediately thrust into the back-seat of his mind. Evil Eye moves so fast that Jiji can't keep up with the mountain yokai, despite sharing eyes with him. They weave between the spaghetti monsters with ease, and reach the Kowai. Evil Eye looms over him, ready to deliver a devastating blow, when his fist suddenly crashes into thin air.
Shit, the barrier!
"WHAT IS THIS, WHY CAN'T I MURDER YOU??"
"Shit, brah, all that food make you stupid?"
Evil Eye unleashes a flurry of fists and feet at the barrier, all crashing with enough force to shatter concrete. Jiji mentally winces, that's going to hurt tomorrow.
Crack
Was that the barrier?
Holy shit, Evil Eye, keep it up! The barrier is getting weaker!
"MURDER HARD AIR!"
Crack
Suddenly, Jiji is thrust back into his body, he feels scalding hot liquid coating the side of his face. They completely forgot about the spaghetti monsters!
"AHHHH! SHIT! HOT!"
Jiji narrowly dodges another blast of gravy-lava and locks eyes with the second bottle of water.
One chance.
"Evil Eye, we're gonna try again! You almost broke the barrier last time, if you can do it again, then I'll hit the Kowai with my Evil Gun and take him out, okay?"
HIT HARD AIR, HARDER!
"Yeah, dude! We got one chance at this, so you gotta make it count, alright?"
HURRY UP, I WANT TO PLAY SMASH BROS!
Jiji douses himself with the second bottle of water, and Evil Eye gets to work on the barrier. This time, Jiji warns Evil Eye of incoming gravy blasts, which they dodge with ease.
"Wha- hey, bruh, that's pointless! The barrier is unbreakable!" The Kowai laughs nervously.
Crack
"YOU LIE!"
Crack
Crack
SMASH
That's it! Evil Eye, switch!
Evil Eye slips behind the Kowai, and trades places with Jiji.
"Eat this."
"Aw, fu-"
The yokai is instantly vaporised by Jiji's Ki blast, leaving behind a pair of dusty legs. The spaghetti monsters all collapse into piles and begin rotting immediately. Jiji worries that the food they ate isn't also rotting in their stomachs, he feels fine, at least. He looks over at Ken, who is still laying on his back, but breathing steadily. Jiji sighs in relief, and collapses onto his own back.
Crinkle
Jiji's head shoots up and swivels around, surveying the battlefield.
Target acquired.
He begins to army crawl over to his prize, it all comes down to this moment. They fought tooth and nail to protect this innocent soul, this beautiful thing.
Just a little further.
His hand lands on the bag and it crinkles under its weight.
Mission accomplished.
A delirious laugh erupts from Jiji, and he crawls over to Ken.
"Hey."
No response.
"Oi, dude."
A light snore comes from Ken's nose.
Not on my watch.
Jiji lightly slaps Ken's cheek.
"Mm."
"Dude, I got the chips."
"Mm."
"Dude. Chips."
"No' hungry."
Jiji takes a deep breath, this is understandable, Ken did win the eating contest, after all. He ate mountains of food, some cloth, and even some ceramic. He's earned a nap, right?
Nah.
"WAKE UP!"
"HUH, WHA?"
"Look."
Jiji thrusts the chips into Ken's face and he still squints like he can't see what they are.
"Oh. Yay."
Jiji snorts, that's totally an Okarun response.
"Dude, come on. Let's see what all the trouble was about."
"Fine. I don't think I can stomach more than one, though."
Jiji forgets all paternal instincts he felt towards the chips in an instant and tears open the bag, for a moment it really looks like the light of God itself is shining up at them from inside the bag. They each take a chip and look at each other before placing them in their mouths.
Crunch
Crunch
Crunch
"Hm."
"…Kinda bland, huh?"
Turns out, walking home with an elephant's worth of food in your stomachs isn't a pleasant experience.
Several times during their trip, the boys had to take breathers, sitting down on benches while grunting like a pair of old men. Ken fell asleep more than once and Jiji had to fight to keep his eyes open.
Eventually they turn the corner to the dirt road that leads to Momo's house. Ken is looking down at his feet, probably trying not to vomit, and Jiji is counting every breath he takes manually like it'll help time pass faster. It's only when they get to the entrance of the property, do they look up and see Seiko leaning against the Torii gate with Nessie in her hands, waiting for them.
Shit.
"You bastards ate before dinner, didn't you?"