Archive of Our Own

She closed her eyes and let the hot water run down her back. Having the luxury of a warm shower every day was one of the things she deeply appreciated even after five weeks living in Paris.

Tony was still in Tali’s room. Usually they both stayed with her until she fell asleep, but tonight Ziva was drained from the events of the day. Getting exhausted from the easiest day-to-day tasks and errands was expected, at least that’s what Dr. Lang, her new psychologist told her. He encouraged her to give herself time to get used to her new normal, and she was trying her best to take his advice. So after kissing Tali goodnight, she excused herself. She missed snuggling with her, but she reminded herself that she was going to have the chance tomorrow. And the day after. This was her life now.

She only closed the tap when her skin became flushed from standing under the stream of hot water. She stepped out of the shower and dried herself. Her new pajamas were waiting for her on the chair — results of one of today’s errands. Being wary of crowds and unknown places, Tony offered to accompany her, which she reluctantly accepted. Depending on someone else, when she had spent her whole life taking care of herself alone, was not easy, but she had to realize it was necessary.

The cool touch of the black satin fabric felt pleasant on her skin. It was nothing fancy — long pants with a long sleeved shirt, delicate lacing on the neckline — but she’d never owned such a nice set of PJs before. She wiped the mirror with her hand. The steam made her curls wild, even though she didn’t wash her hair. The pajamas looked strange on her at first, but after spending some time with her reflection she found she liked her new look.

There was no sight of Tony when she left the bathroom, which either meant Tali begged him to read another book and he gave in, or that he fell asleep too. That was unlikely though, as they were planning to watch a movie together. Since they agreed to take things slow, they skipped any romantic plans, but he would not bail on their movie night.

She browsed the contents of the fridge, debating whether she was hungry, when she heard the door open. Tony was yawning as he joined her in the kitchen.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, studying her face. “Are you up for a movie? Tali took longer to fall asleep and you had a hard day, it’s okay if you want to call it a night.”

“No, I’m fine, the shower was a life-saver. What do you have in mind?” Of course he was the one to pick the movie. She didn’t mind one bit.

“Well, Tali has been nagging me to let her watch Moana, so I thought we could see that. I like to check out everything before I let her watch,” he explained.

That was so Tony. In the past four weeks she had many moments like this, when she was taken aback by what a thoughtful father he was. Other times she couldn’t believe how completely oblivious he could be.

“Sounds good,” she said as she poured herself a glass of water.

“Should we order something? Are you hungry?”

“A popcorn’s fine. Maybe I’ll have some leftovers later.”

“Alright. I’ll pop it in, you just get comfortable.”

She took her glass, grabbed her favorite shaggy blanket from the armchair, and curled up on the couch.

Then she heard the shot. Shots. She threw herself on the floor and ducked behind the couch, almost knocking off her glass from the coffee table. Her heart was racing, her chest tightened to the point she couldn’t breathe anymore. The shots kept coming.

“Hey, do you want some tea?” She heard Tony’s voice somewhere in the distance.

The popcorn. She could smell it now. The microwave stopped before the beep. The cabinet opened and closed. A metallic clank on the countertop. A faint rustle of the popcorn falling into the bowl. She opened her eyes. Her heart still pounding, she grabbed the armrest and pulled herself up. Tony was standing with his back to her, busy with something. Thank God. There was no need to worry him.

“Yes, a tea would be nice, thank you,” she answered, once she found her voice.

By the time he came over with the tray, she was sitting on the couch again, legs up, covered with the blanket. The last of the terror was washed away when he sat down next to her. On the tray, in perfect arrangement, was the popcorn, two cups of hot water, an assortment of tea bags, sugar and honey, and some macarons on a plate. She was sure they were from the little patisserie just around the corner.

“It’s not a gift,” he said quickly.

“Thank you,” she gave him a grateful smile and offered the other half of the blanket. She picked out an orange-ginger tea bag and let it sit in her cup.

“Ready?”

“Ready.”

He dimmed the lights and hit play.

Having only been living with a child for a short time, she was not up-to-date with the latest kid’s movies, so she was pleasantly surprised how good the animation and the story were. Yet, as so many times lately, she found it hard to keep her thoughts from wandering.

On the first night he made up the couch for himself and let her take the bedroom. It was a doomed attempt. They still found each other in the dark, shy at first, but their bodies remembered. He was so gentle and so patient, aware of her every move, every shift in her breathing, making sure she felt comfortable and safe. It was a celebration of their reunion, as well as the mourning of all that time lost.

He did sleep on the couch from the next day on.

She was worried enough already that she was nothing like Tony thought she would be, that their life together was nothing like he thought it would be. With Valentine’s Day creeping up on them, she was more anxious than ever that she could not give him what he wanted. But, as always, he sensed her growing concerns and addressed the issue head on.

“Look. I just wanted to say that we don’t need to do anything on Thursday. It can be just like any other day. We don’t need to make a big deal out of it.”

She was not relieved, if anything, she felt even more guilty for some reason. “I’m sorry, this is probably not what you imagined when—”

“Hey. It’s okay. I understand.” He looked at her with such warmth in his eyes. “You are here now. With us. That is all I’ll ever need. We’ll figure the rest out together.”

She wanted to snuggle up to him, getting lost in his embrace, but instead she just said “Thank you.”

She took a sip from her tea to anchor herself in the present. Little did it help. She tried to focus on the movie again.

Home.

For Moana that paradise of an island felt more like a prison than a home.

What was home supposed to feel like anyway? She tried to remember but couldn’t recall anything. It wasn’t a surprise, since she had no home for the past four years. But even before, none of the places she’d lived at felt truly like home. She had some vague memories of her mother — more vivid ones about her sister Tali and her brother Ari — and their life together as a family, before everything fell apart. She was the only one remaining from that life. And she almost wasn’t. After her sister's death she traveled half the world, never staying for more than a few months at one place. Ari’s death a few years later marked the beginning of a more stable life, at NCIS. She lived on her own terms back then, although she did have to move apartments a few times. Her father spying on her, Tony and her ex trashing the place, right before Mossad (meaning her father) blew it up. Standard stuff, she thought, almost laughing out loud at the absurdity of it all.

It will be different for her daughter. It already was, all thanks to Tony. She stole a glance at him, watching the movie with dedication, sometimes commenting without a filter. Some things never changed. The thought made her smile into her tea.

She slowly stroked the blanket, enjoying the soft sensation on her fingers. The tea pleasantly warmed her from inside, and Tony’s presence so close filled her with content.

Maybe home wasn’t a place. Maybe it was the people she loved.

Tony turned off the TV. Without the glaring screen the room suddenly became dark, until his eyes adjusted to the one dimmed light in the corner.

Ziva was peacefully asleep. She drifted off an hour ago, her head falling on his shoulder, then on his chest. He didn’t dare to move since, inhaling her sweet scent, her closeness warming not just his body but his soul. He wanted nothing more than to stay there, falling asleep with her in his arms, but he also wanted to respect her need for space after being alone for so long. She kept apologizing for it, breaking his heart every time.

She was safe. She was home. That was all he ever dreamed about for the past four years. Past decade, actually.

He took a deep breath, and gently stroked her hair. “Ziva.”

She sat up, rubbing her eyes. It took her a second to realize what had happened. “Oh. I guess I fell asleep. I’m so sorry.” A hot wave of guilt washed over her, as he pulled back to give her space.

“It’s okay. We can watch it again with Tali on Sunday.”

“I’m guessing it passed the test then.”

“Yes, she’ll love it. You’ll love it.” He smiled at her softly.

They sat in silence for a minute.

“It’s late, you go ahead, I’ll clean up.”

She watched him collecting the mugs and the remains of their snacks on the tray, then went to brush her teeth. He’d already made up the couch by the time she came back.

“Goodnight,” she said.

“Sleep tight,” he said.

She lay awake for a long time, wishing he would be right there next to her. But she knew that door would not open tonight, not unless she opened it. But she couldn’t. Not yet.