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Usopp is, he swears, completely minding his own business when it happens.
He’s been down in his workshop for most of the morning, tweaking the release mechanism on some of his smoke bombs to try and achieve a higher level of accuracy, when the stuffy air forces him topside in search of a drink. He tromps up the steps that lead to the galley level, whistling absently to himself as he pushes open the door and ducks inside.
Whereupon he’s greeted with a sight that gives him approximately seventeen heart attacks in rapid succession.
Sanji’s in the galley, no surprise there. He’s posted up at the stove, stirring the contents of a pot that by all accounts smell delicious. As Usopp watches, he shifts slightly to grab a container from his spice rack and shakes it carefully over whatever he’s working on.
He returns the spice container to the rack and stirs the pot again. His hand moves in almost lazy circles before he finally pulls the spoon free, hefting it higher so that he can eye whatever portion has come along with it. After a moment, his tongue flicks out for a taste, after which he makes a face.
“Here, try this.” He then commands, shoving the spoon backwards with a huff. “It still doesn’t feel right to me.”
An annoyed grunt sounds out, and Zoro - Zoro - lifts his head from where he’s been standing with it shoved into the crook of Sanji’s neck. The swordsman lets out a jaw cracking yawn, almost as if he’s just woken up from a nap.
“I was comfy,” he rumbles - pouts, that’s absolutely, one hundred percent a goddamned pout - using the hands he has wrapped around Sanji’s waist - his waist! - to shake him gently. “And I’m not going to be able to taste anything in there that you can’t.”
“Cool, it wasn’t actually a request,” Sanji tells him, and unceremoniously shoves the spoon into his mouth.
Zoro makes a startled noise, but Sanji must not have put any real force into the action because he doesn’t otherwise flinch. Instead, he licks the remainder of the spoon clean, humming appreciatively over whatever he finds there.
“S’good,” he says after Sanji’s pulled the spoon back. “The crew will love it.”
“Good isn’t great, let alone perfect,” Sanji retorts, now glaring at the empty spoon like it’s personally betrayed him. “Something’s still off, I’m sure of it, and you’re proving to be useless.”
“I told you I wasn’t going to be able to help,” Zoro replies. Yet, rather than let the conversation escalate into an argument the way he might usually, he moves to tuck his chin back into the junction between Sanji’s neck and shoulder. “Wake me when it’s done.”
“Wake you - ? Marimo,” Sanji sputters, looking like he’s about three seconds from clobbering the other man with the spoon he’s still holding. “How many times do I have to tell you that you can’t sleep on me when I’m trying to cook?! I don’t care how much you like it, you’re too heavy and you get in the way!”
And okay that - that sounds very much like this isn’t a one-off occurrence where Usopp’s walked into some bizarre parallel universe where nothing makes sense anymore. In fact, it sounds like this is a routine argument of the old married couple variety.
Such a thought is so thoroughly insane to contemplate that Usopp’s brain temporarily short circuits and he thinks he blacks out for a second or two. Then consciousness returns with a gasp that unfortunately draws the attention of the galley’s other occupants.
Sanji turns sharply, and their positioning thereby forces Zoro to do the same. Neither of them seem particularly concerned to see him standing in the doorway. Although Zoro’s good eye is quickly narrowing and his face is taking on a scowl that suggests he’s annoyed at being interrupted.
It’s Sanji who finds his voice first, however. Balancing the spoon carefully on the pot so that it won’t fall into whatever he’s working on, he wipes his hands on his apron and twists to give Usopp his full attention.
“Did you need something?” He asks, suspiciously at ease given the fact that Usopp’s just caught him in a remarkably awkward position. “Lunch won’t be ready for at least another half an hour if that’s what you’re after.”
More than a little afraid this is simply the calm before the storm and he’s about to meet his untimely demise at the tender age of nineteen, Usopp licks lips that have suddenly gone dry and raises his hands in a defensive position. “ …… water?” He finally manages to squeak out at an alarmingly high pitch.
“Oh sure,” Sanji’s expression smoothes out and he nods. “Give me just a second and I’ll get you sorted.”
He starts to move after the words have left his mouth, presumably to grab a clean glass so he can get Usopp the aforementioned drink. It quickly becomes obvious that this is going to be more difficult than it should be, however, because he’s hampered by a walking slab of muscle that doesn’t appear to want to let him go.
“He can get it himself,” Zoro growls when Sanji raps him lightly on the arm in an attempt to get him to release his hold. “Longnose knows where the cups are, and he’s got two perfectly good hands. Right?”
This last word is rumbled out in Usopp’s direction, and the sniper snaps to attention, recognizing a command when he hears it. “R - right!” He agrees, firing off a salute in further acknowledgement, and then immediately feeling ridiculous for doing so. “I totally know where the cups are!” He warbles. “And the tap too!”
Zoro and Sanji share identical bewildered looks before both returning their focus to Usopp. “Yeah,” the swordsman says slowly, the first of the pair to find his voice. “It’s right there.”
“Where it always is,” Sanji adds helpfully, his face suggesting that he’s a little concerned for Usopp’s sanity. “Are you feeling alright? You didn’t inhale weird fumes in your workshop again, did you?”
Did he? Usopp barely manages to contain a wild giggle as he considers that thought. It might explain the scene unfolding in front of him, except, truly, he doesn’t think he’s ever been loopy enough to imagine the likes of this before.
“Nah, I’m fine! Totally fine!” He eventually manages to stutter out. “Just a little bit overheated and therefore in search of a drink, like I mentioned. A drink that I am going to get right now, and then I’ll be out of your hair. It’ll be like I was never even here, and in fact we can forget all about it.”
The looks he receives in response to his meandering diatribe confirm that Zoro and Sanji are no less convinced of his sanity than they were a moment ago. Neither of them says anything as he carefully sidles past them to grab a glass from the cupboard, though, so he lets out a quiet sigh of relief as he shoves it under the faucet and turns the tap.
A steady stream of water promptly jets out, already perfectly cold thanks to whatever mechanism Franky uses to keep the pipes running smoothly. Flicking the tap off once the glass is as full as he wants, Usopp takes one last glance over his shoulder at the (apparent?) couple, and then flees as if his life depends upon it.
*****
Naturally, Usopp can’t stop thinking about what he’d inadvertently borne witness to. The sight plagues his every waking moment for the next three days, and even some of his sleeping ones. Certain that he’ll never know peace until he’s gotten things off his chest, he ultimately caves and goes to the source on the ship who’s most likely to be able to corroborate what he’d seen.
Robin’s alone in the library when he finally manages to track her down, which is good because this is not a discussion meant to be held in public. One dark eyebrow rises in confusion when Usopp slinks into her domain, and she slowly brings the book she’s reading down to rest on her lap as he stands there, fidgeting in the middle of the room.
“Can I help you with something, Usopp?” She asks after more than a minute has passed with him just standing around. “Are you alright?”
“No,” he replies fervently. “I - ” and here he pauses for dramatic effect, “have been cursed with forbidden knowledge.”
“I see,” Robin says, her face indicating that, while she may be mildly concerned, it’s more so for the sake of Usopp’s sanity than any knowledge he might possess. “You mean like the time you drank Franky and Brook’s attempt at homemade wine and thought the top sail was talking to you?”
“Er, no. Not quite like that,” Usopp is quick to correct. “I mean that I’ve seen things. Things I was never supposed to see, and that I can’t unsee. No matter how hard I try.”
“Alright.” Robin pauses to take a moment to try and parse that one out. “Exactly what is it that you’ve discovered?”
Usopp decides to just grab the proverbial bull by the horns. “Did you know that Zoro and Sanji are dating?” He asks, pinning her with a look that all but begs her to say yes, to assure him that he’s not the first of the crew to be cursed with the sights he’s seen.
“As in our Zoro and Sanji,” he adds helpfully when all she does is stare at him. “The two people by those names that live on this ship. The cook and the swordsman, except in reverse. The - ”
“Yes, thank you, Usopp. I know who you’re talking about.” Robin raises a hand momentarily before he can offer up any more descriptors and then lets it fall back down once his babble trails off. “Is this a new practical joke you’re trying out?”
“Is it - no!” Usopp huffs indignantly. “It’s a perfectly valid question that was brought about by my finding them - finding them canoodling in the galley a few days ago. They were touching. Romantically.”
“Usopp … ” Robin’s eyebrows are currently resting just beneath her hairline, and she looks like she’s got half a mind to call for Chopper. “Usopp, I think you must be mistaken. Perhaps you’ve had too much sun recently. Would you like to sit down for a bit?”
“Oh for - I don’t have heatstroke!” Usopp groans. “And I haven’t inhaled any weird fumes lately either, assuming that was going to be your next question.”
“Well,” Robin says, looking remarkably awkward by her standards. “It wouldn’t be the first time. And,” she pauses thoughtfully, “it might be a viable explanation for your apparent hallucinations.”
“It wasn’t a hallucination,” Usopp says flatly. “Trust me, I saw what I saw. I went into the galley and Sanji was cooking, but with Zoro all curled around him from behind. They were totally cuddling.”
“‘Cuddling’?” Robin repeats, and, oh yeah, she’s one hundred percent going to be dragging Chopper in here if he doesn’t leave soon. “Zoro and Sanji? In the middle of the galley?”
“From your lips to God's ears,” Usopp says fervently.
“I rather suspect not,” Robin says flatly. “Much like I suspect you’re mistaken in what you saw. They were probably wrestling and paused when you caught them by surprise.”
“If they were wrestling it was a form of it that I want nothing to do with,” Usopp says seriously. “Nothing at all. Anyway, you really expect me to believe that you, of all people on this ship, really haven’t seen them like that before?”
“I really haven’t,” Robin assures him. “And frankly, if I had, I’m not sure that would be a secret even I could keep. It would be very … jarring.”
“You’re telling me,” Usopp says, as a man who has definitely been jarred. “But I really did see it,” he adds, wanting to make that point very clear. “It really did happen.”
“Is that so?” Robin asks. “And how did Zoro and Sanji react to you interrupting them?”
“Honestly? That’s the craziest part,” Usopp insists. “They were totally chill about it. Sanji didn’t care at all, and Zoro was mainly annoyed that Sanji tried to move away from him to get me a drink. They acted like everything was completely normal.”
“Hmm,” Robin says. And then. “Perhaps you should Franky take a look at your workshop. Maybe there was a gas leak down there, or you mixed together some chemicals that can cause hallucinations. These things happen.”
Usopp sighs. “While that does seem like a more likely explanation, I know what I saw,” he says tiredly. “Zoro and Sanji have a thing going on. A thing of the romantic variety.”
Robin eyes him for a long moment, after which she cracks her book back open. “If you say so,” she tells him, raising the tome back to eye level. “In that case, I’ll be sure to keep an ear out. I really do think you should talk to Franky about that gas leak though.”
“Yeah, sure.”
*****
Usopp does not talk to Franky. He knows the scene in the galley wasn’t the result of chemically induced hysteria, so the cyborg won’t be able to help him. What he needs is exactly what he’d been hoping to find in Robin - IE someone who can corroborate his story. Unfortunately, if the archeologist can’t do it, then his next best choice will probably come with a steep price for the information.
“Have you been sniffing glue?”
Nami’s eyebrows are almost as high as Robin’s had been, and she shoves her sunglasses back onto her forehead so that he feels the full weight of her gaping stare. “We need to get you better ventilation in your workshop if you have.”
“Okay, for the record, I’m getting a little tired of people assuming that I don’t have proper safety features in place when I’m working,” Usopp says, beginning to feel a little picked on. “However, for the record, I haven’t been sniffing anything, and I was stone cold sober when I came across … the sight that defies description.”
“You mean when you supposedly found Zoro and Sanji cuddling in the kitchen,” Nami clarifies. One hand holding her sunglasses in place, she uses the other to keep her propped up in the lawn chair she’d been sunbathing in until he’d interrupted her. “That sight?”
“That would be the one,” Usopp confirms. “It was downright domestic.”
“Domestic, right,” Nami says, for some reason sounding wary. “Okay, if it wasn’t toxic fumes, did you maybe hit your head?”
“No!” Usopp yells. “I was innocently minding my own business. I went up to the galley to get a drink and boom! There they were! Just holding each other like it was normal, everyday behaviour.”
“Except for how it’d be anything but,” Nami reminds him, and Usopp just shrugs helplessly.
“So I take it you didn’t know anything about this then,” he surmises. “Man, those two are way better at keeping secrets from the rest of us than I would have thought. Robin didn’t know anything either.”
Nami snaps her sunglasses back into place. “Oh now I definitely know you’re lying,” she says, reclining back in her seat. “You don’t actually expect me to believe that you learned something like this before Robin, do you? No way.”
“But I did!” Usopp insists. “I am completely and totally, one hundred percent telling you the truth.”
“That’s exactly what you said when you told me you could get me a good deal on shoes at the last island we passed,” Nami notes, her eyes narrowing behind her sunglasses. “Which reminds me, I still haven’t gotten you back for that one.”
Usopp swallows and surreptitiously glances around to see if her Climatact baton is within reach. When he ascertains that it isn’t, he lets out a tiny sigh of relief.
“That’s neither here nor there,” he says next, rallying with aplomb. “The thing with the shoes was an honest mistake. This is an honest statement of fact.”
“Uh huh,” Nami says, sounding unimpressed. “I’ll believe it when I see it, Usopp.”
“Believe what, dearest?” A new voice says suddenly. “Don’t tell me our sniper is out here bothering you when he should know better. I’ll happily deal with him for you if he is.”
Very much not liking the emphasis that had been placed on ‘deal with him’, Usopp turns to look at where Sanji’s now standing not far away with a tray of drinks held aloft in one hand. The blond raises his visible eyebrow when he catches Usopp looking, which is not a fact that fills him with joy.
“Oh, heyyy, Sanji,” he says, doing his best to sound innocent. “Nami and I were just, uh, well we were, uh. Talking.”
“ … yes,” Sanji says after a beat. “I figured as much. Was it about anything in particular?”
“Actually,” Nami starts, and Usopp, a man who’s now seeing his life flash before his eyes, rushes to stop her.
“It was about some money I owe her,” Usopp lies. Affecting a mournful stance, he lets his shoulders droop and adopts a pitiable expression. “I’m afraid I made some questionable financial decisions at our last stop and now, alas, I suspect debtor’s prison awaits.”
“Oh please,” Nami mutters, while Sanji gives Usopp an unimpressed look.
“That’s a bad habit to get into, Usopp,” he says sternly. “I’m honestly a little surprised, since you’re usually better with your money, but if you want my advice, you’ll nip your poor spending in the bud right now. Unless you want to wind up like a certain brainless, green oaf who shall remain nameless.”
“Don’t worry, Sanji,” Nami says, giving him a look full of saccharine sweetness. “I’m pretty sure he’ll have learned his lesson by the time all is said and done. Or at least a lesson, if nothing else.”
“Right, well. That sounds - good?” Sanji says when no further explanations are forthcoming. “In any event, would you like the drink I brought you, darling? I actually have one for Usopp too, and then I’m off to try and shove something at the houseplant before he wilts.”
“You’re bringing a special drink for Zoro?” Usopp asks, perking up at that. Possibly there could be something in this to use as evidence in support of his claims.
Sadly, his hopes are dashed as quickly as they’d risen. “It’s literally just water,” Sanji says with an annoyed huff. “The brute’s been sweating all over the upper deck since right after lunchtime. He’s been lifting weights that I’m sure are compensation for something and if he doesn’t hydrate soon he’ll probably pass out. I’m trying to avoid being the one who has to carry him to the infirmary if he collapses.”
“How, uh, sweet?” Usopp suggests, and Sanji rolls his eyes.
“Do you want your drink or not?” He asks, pointedly, holding the tray out to Usopp once Nami’s claimed hers.
“Of course,” Usopp says, because, while he may or may not be delusional according to some people, he’s not dumb, and grabs for it as soon as it’s within reach. “Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it,” Sanji says, and then proceeds to walk away with the final drink still sitting on his tray. “At least you’re more polite then some others I could name.”
“Oh yeah,” Nami drawls as they both watch him start tromping up the stairs, the heels of his polished dress shoes clicking faintly as he climbs. “He sounds like a man in love for sure.”
“Mock me if you must,” Usopp replies with a sniff and a sip of his drink. “I know what I saw.”
“Uh huh,” Nami says. “Do you want to know what I know?”
Usopp doesn’t bother pretending to misunderstand. “That I now owe you money for real because I dragged you into my lie?”
“Well, would you look at that,” Nami says with a laugh. “You got at least one thing right today.”
“Great.”
*****
Now that Robin and Nami - the two best possible sources of information on the ship - have been found wanting, Usopp is forced to consider who else might have the proof he needs. Surely, surely he can’t have been the first on the crew to have such an unexpected interaction.
He discards Luffy almost immediately because, although he loves their captain dearly, the man wouldn’t recognize romance if it kicked him in the face, and his lack of filter would’ve had the secret coming out right away regardless. Actually, the lack of a filter thing is kind of an issue for most of the remaining crew, with the exception of Jinbe, who probably hasn’t been around long enough to notice anything.
With Luffy and Jinbe out, that leaves Brook, Franky and Chopper as possible sources of information. However, Franky’s almost definitely been alerted to Usopp’s beliefs thanks to Robin, and the fact that he hasn’t come rushing to share any confirmation means he likely doesn’t have one. As such, Usopp’s list dwindles down to two.
He makes a mental list of pros and cons in relation to his remaining options, after which he comes to a decision. Either one will probably get him ratted out to Sanji and Zoro, but at this point he’s in too deep to let the matter drop.
Nodding decisively to himself, he takes a deep breath and marches up the stairs from the lawn. Bypassing the galley - aka the newfound source of his nightmares - he plants a hand on the infirmary door and shoves it inwards.
“Heyyy, doc,” he says, grinning slightly maniacally as he makes his way into the room. “Have you got a second?”
Chopper looks up from where he’s busy cleaning a number of medical tools that he has lined up on a roll of cloth in front of him. From where Usopp’s standing it looks like the entire set is already gleaming, but it’s not like he’s the expert here.
“Usopp?” Chopper says, his voice going high as his eyes focus on the sniper. “What is it? Did you hurt yourself?”
“Not even a little bit,” Usopp’s quick to assure him. He holds up his hands to further bolster his point by showing there are no marks on them. “I come to you completely unscathed.”
“Oh, okay. That’s good,” Chopper says, his snout wrinkling. “What brings you in here then?”
“Well, uh - ” It belatedly occurs to Usopp that he should have worked out how he wanted to approach this before coming in here. Oh well, too late now. “I need to talk to you about Zoro and Sanji.”
Chopper’s expression flattens. “What have they done to each other now?” He asks, one foreleg already trailing towards his medkit. “I swear, those two are going to be the death of me. No matter how many times I tell them to be careful when they’re sparring together they never listen! How bad is the damage?”
“There’s no damage,” Usopp says, and then revises this statement on the basis that he had last seen Sanji heading in Zoro’s direction, which meant all bets were off. “At least as not as far as I’m aware, anyway. I’m here with a question of a more … personal nature.”
“Personal?” Chopper echoes. “Usopp, you know I can’t reveal anything to do with doctor/patient confidentiality, so if it’s something like that I’m afraid I’m not going to be any help to you.”
“It’s not,” Usopp assures him. “Or, at least, oh hell, I hope it’s not. If you know anything on the medical side of things about what they’ve been getting up to together I definitely don’t want to know. Gross.”
Chopper gives him the kind of look that indicates he too is about to ask whether or not Usopp’s been imbibing substances he shouldn’t. Not wanting to go through that yet again, the sniper flashes the doctor a grin and opts to bite the proverbial bullet.
“I’m pretty sure Zoro and Sanji are dating, and I need you to tell me if you know anything because I need someone to convince me I’m not going crazy.”
Usopp exhales all this in a steady stream of words, while Chopper continues gaping at him in increasingly evident shock. By the time he’s done the reindeer’s jaw is not far up off of the floor and his eyes look ready to bug out of his head.
“You think Zoro and Sanji what?” He demands shrilly. “Usopp, is this another one of your pranks?”
“No!” Usopp flails, his heart sinking as he realizes he’s about to be shot down again. “Come on, man. Do you really think I’d make up something like this for one of my stories? I mean, there’s out there and then there’s out there, you know?”
“Not really,” Chopper says.
“Right, of course you don’t.” Groaning, Usopp leans back against the wall and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I caught Zoro and Sanji in a compromising position in the galley a few days ago,” he continues on by way of an explanation. “They acted like it was perfectly normal, but I feel like my whole world’s been turned upside down.”
“Are you sure you saw what you think you saw?” Chopper asks. “Maybe you - ”
Usopp holds up a hand to stop the inevitable theories. “I swear I didn’t hit my head, inhale anything I shouldn’t, and there hasn’t been a gas leak in my workshop,” he says. “It was a regular day, and all I wanted was a glass of water.”
“Except for how Zoro and Sanji definitely aren’t a couple,” Chopper points out. “I mean, we all know they don’t hate each other the way they like to pretend, but I really doubt there’s anything more than friendship between them.”
“And if you’d asked me that three days ago I’d have told you the same thing,” Usopp confirms, “but then I walked in on them being all lovey-dovey together in the galley. I’m telling you, Chopper, this is legit.”
“I - Usopp, you know I hate to call you a liar,” Chopper mumbles, looking away, “and you certainly sound like you believe what you’re saying, but - but - ”
“But it’s Zoro and Sanji?” Usopp fills in when the doctor trails off, and Chopper nods.
“Exactly,” he says, sounding relieved. “I’m not sure how, but you have to be mistaken.”
Which is a perfectly fair assumption, but ignores the fact that Usopp’s eyesight is second to none. He’s got the best vision on the crew, and, although he might occasionally like to pretend otherwise, he does know the difference between fantasy and reality. He hadn’t imagined what he’d seen. Especially not how comfortable the two had looked together.
“I’m not crazy,” he says, pushing away from the wall. “And I’m not lying. Zoro and Sanji are together. For real.”
Chopper makes a face. “Well, even if they are, isn’t that they’re business?” He asks. “I’m sure they’ll tell the rest of us when they’re ready.”
Usopp shrugs. “I guess so,” he says, and then falls silent.
*****
Eventually suppertime rolls around, and it’s a nice night out. Naturally this means Luffy calls for a feast out on the lawn. The food and drink soon flow freely, and it’s not long before Brook strikes up a lively tune on his violin.
Rather than pick up his own guitar, Franky twirls a laughing Robin around the greenery, while at the same time Luffy goads Chopper into joining him in a jig. Meanwhile, Nami and Jinbe are sitting side by side, tapping their feet in time to the music.
Most days would see Usopp out there with them, but tonight he finds he’s not really feeling it. He’s caught a number of the crew giving him surreptitious glances - Robin has definitely talked to Franky, and Chopper has just as obviously blabbed to Brook - and tucks himself off to the side instead.
At the same time, he’s not the only one. Zoro’s never really been one for dancing, and tonight is no exception. He seems happy enough to be sitting cross legged in front of the railings with a bottle in hand and his swords within reach.
He must catch Usopp staring at him at some point because he raises an eyebrow in a silent question. Not wanting to call even more attention to himself, however, Usopp just shakes his head and takes a bite out of the kebab in his hands. For his part, Zoro watches him for a few moments longer, before shrugging and saluting the sniper with a beer.
Usopp breathes a quiet sigh of relief and resolves to focus his attention elsewhere, lest his actions lead to more invasive questioning. That’s easier said than done, though, because it’s not long before Sanji emerges from the galley.
Up until now, every time Sanji’s come out on deck it’s been with plates of food and drink in hand. Now, he must finally be taking a moment for himself because his hands are empty and he makes no move to ask if there’s anything else the crew needs.
Without even a cigarette to keep him busy, the cook makes his way down the stairs and ambles past where Usopp is sitting without a word. He slips in and out among the dancers, easily avoiding any grasping hands that try to draw him in, and only comes to a halt in front of where Zoro’s sitting.
Feeling his mouth suddenly go dry, Usopp watches as Sanji nudges the swordsman’s knee with the tip of his shoe. He repeats the motion - a little more forcefully this time - when Zoro apparently doesn’t give him the response he’s looking for, and this time the green haired man starts rearranging himself so that his legs are stretched out in front of him.
Unlike Zoro’s previous sitting position, the new arrangement allows Sanji to drop down between the other man’s legs. The cook reclines himself with his back to Zoro’s front, and fishes a cigarette from his coat pocket. Lighting it, he exhales a cloud of smoke towards the night sky, looking as content as Usopp’s ever seen him.
For his part, Usopp wishes he could say he felt the same. Instead, he feels like he should have Chopper test him for possible stroke symptoms, and waves a hand feebly to try and get Nami’s attention.
Nami gives him an annoyed look when she catches him signaling her, but nevertheless breaks off her conversation with Jinbe. Sighing like she’s doing everyone a great personal favor, she peers around the fishman’s bulk, her eyes going wide when she sees what Usopp’s pointing at.
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me,” she exclaims, for some reason sounding more exasperated than surprised. “Did someone put you two up to this?”
Nami’s words are loud enough that they cut through the sound of music, effectively garnering the attention of the entire crew. Everyone shifts to look at her, and then adjust their gazes to rest on Sanji and Zoro when it becomes apparent who the navigator’s speaking to.
Sanji and Zoro, that is, who share a quick, confused look between the two of them and then stare back at the crew.
“Did someone put us up to what, dearest?” Sanji asks around his cigarette. “Is something wrong?”
“Did someone put you up to this,” Nami clarifies, gesturing in a way that encompasses the pair’s positioning. “Did you both lose a bet the rest of us didn’t know about? What’s going on?”
“What’s going on … where?” Sanji asks, his brow furrowing. He cranes his neck around to glance up at Zoro, but otherwise makes no move to disentangle himself. “Do you know what she’s talking about?”
“No clue,” Zoro replies with a shrug. He flicks his gaze over to Nami. “What’s the matter, Witch?” He asks. “You look weirded out for some reason.”
“Of course I look weirded out,” Nami snaps, caught off guard enough that she doesn’t even yell at him for the insult. “Why are you two all … like this?”
Again, Sanji and Zoro share a confused look. “Like what?” They ask in tandem.
“Like a couple!” Nami half shrieks. “Why are you acting like a couple!”
“Because … we are one?” Sanji says, still wearing that same confused expression. “And have been for a while now?”
“What?” Nami’s shocked exclamation remains the loudest, but it’s not the only one to be punched out of the crew. Most of the others sound equally surprised, although Usopp keeps quiet, fighting hard not to raise a vindicated fist in the air. “Since when?”
“Since four months ago,” Zoro says easily. “During the big party in Wano.”
“That’s impossible,” Nami mutters now, apparently the self elected spokesperson for the crew. “There’s no way you two could keep a secret like that for so long.”
Zoro frowns. “Who said anything about it being a secret?” He asks, one arm tightening around Sanji’s midsection. “We’re not hiding anything.”
“He’s right, mellorine,” Sanji adds. “Luffy’s known since the beginning, and we’ve never bothered being subtle. In fact, didn’t Usopp tell you he walked in on us just the other day?”
“HAH!” Usopp crows, giving in and raising his arms triumphantly. “I told you,” he says. “I told you I wasn’t imagining things, or drugged, or suffering from a head injury. I saw romance. In the galley. Where we eat. I saw it all!”
“ … right,” Sanji says, while Usopp continues riding the high of his own conviction. “Well, in any event, this is a thing now. I hope that’s not a problem.”
“Of course it’s not a problem,” Robin says, several others immediately following suit. “Many of us are just surprised, is all. You two do make a somewhat unlikely pair, if you don’t mind my saying so.”
“Not that unlikely,” Zoro disagrees, and Sanji reaches a hand back to squeeze his shoulder in some form of silent communication. “Been a long time coming too.”
Usopp braces himself for the inevitable ‘coming’ joke, but the shock must still be too great. Not even Brook takes a bite at that one, although Sanji pins the skeleton with a look that dares him to try.
“I can’t believe this,” Nami says, finally returning to her seat. “Nevermind the reveal itself. I can’t believe that Usopp was right about something this huge.”
“Hey,” Usopp exclaims, affronted. “I told you I wouldn’t lie about something this crazy. It’s too insane for even me to make up!”
“Uh, no offence, guys,” he adds quickly, shooting Zoro and Sanji a sheepish look. “Of course I’m totally thrilled for you. I just could’ve done without everyone I talked to calling me a liar.”
“Even if you lie all the time?” Zoro asks with a smirk.
“Yeah,” Sanji snickers. “You were probably the worst person to try and deliver the news, and it’s entirely your own fault.”
“And yet,” Usopp casts a stern glance over the rest of the crew, and Robin, Nami, and Chopper in particular. “Right, I was. What have you guys got to say for yourselves, hmm?”
Nami snorts. “Even a broken clock is right twice a day,” she says, ignoring his affronted noise. “Also, you still owe me money for dragging me into your other lie.”
“Oh, come on!” Usopp exclaims. “Can’t the two at least cancel each other out?”
“What do you think?”
“I think they should!”
“Then you think wrong. Keep it up and I’m going to double what you owe me.”
“That’s not fair!” Usopp insists, unable to believe what’s happening. “After everything I’ve been through the past few days, you should be paying me for the info I brought you.”
“Did I say double? I meant triple.”
Usopp wisely shuts his mouth. Clearly there’s a time and a place for these things.