Chapter Text
Ro was the singular best goose to have ever existed.
Like, it wasn’t even close! It was actually hilarious how not even close it was! None of them other gooses could ever compare to how awesome he was. Not any of the boring normal ones, and definitely not any of his fellow soulmate geese.
Or as the terrified onlookers liked to call them, ‘soulmate geese of enforcement’! Or also ‘cobra chicken’, ‘murdery evil bird thing’, ‘AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GOOOSE AHHHH’ or related terms.
That last one was mostly for him actually, none of the others were called that. Maybe it was cause he had. Less conventional methods.
But that wasn’t important!
What was important was that he was the best goose that had ever existed.
And obviously, because of that, the Universe had decided to give him the hardest task any soulmate goose could ever have.
One that no soulmate goose had ever been able to fully accomplish, one that each one of them dreaded receiving.
Mapicc, and Zam. Also known as Hell and God, Red and Yellow, or Dumbass 1 and Dumbass 2 (as Ro had ‘affectionately’ nicknamed them).
These two, were actually the most idiotic dumbasses in the fucking history of idiotic dumbasses. They were the most stubborn, bull-headed, piggish idiotic dumbasses he’d ever seen in his very long existence, aka EVER SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME AND SOME BEFORE. Ro was one of the first beings in existence, and he’d never witnessed dumbassery like these two.
It was actually insane.
They were obviously in love, had even kissed once, had the most explosive breakup-but-not’s that the Universe had ever seen (not once, not twice, not three times, not four times, but five. fucking. times.) and yet still weren’t together, told everyone they ‘hated’ each other, and tried pretending they weren’t thinking about each other constantly.
Which is why Ro was really happy when he got them as their assignment.
Because not only was this a fun challenge, it would be incredibly funny! The stories he could tell! He could tell any imaginary grandkids (and real children that he liked) that their *insert relationship tag here* had literally gotten two of the oldest beings in the Universe together after everyone else had failed!
Or he could say he’d tried, and come close, but overall failed. That would be hilarious too.
Either way, it was interesting! And as interesting as being Ro was…
Well- it had been getting boring.
(and lonely)
Not many beings had lived as long as Ro had. Even the other geese, had been created after him. They hadn’t witnessed the dawn of time, the Universe didn’t speak to them directly most of the time-
After a while, one ran out of ways to change themselves and the world around them.
But that was fine! Because now all his problems would be solved!
And that involved… getting The Dumbasses™ together.
Now, this would be a lot harder if Ro hadn’t been told that since he was assigned to this, he could now have a full human form with. Guess what. No magical signature. It would be impossible for ANYONE to tell he wasn’t truly human, unlike most geese.
Really, really, awesome.
Of course, he couldn’t tell anyone else about this (who?) since word would spread and the geese’s secret weapon would. No longer be secret. And it would be a huge catastrophe and Ro was really not in the mood for that. Maybe next century.
And so. The first plan. In order to assess their relationship… situations.
Two gods, immortal and alive since a bit after the beginning of time.
What situations could Ro possibly put them in, someone may have asked?
Why of course… the Trapped Together one!
.
.
ZAM: Hey Mape.
MAPICC: Hey yourself. Do you know why the fuck we’re here?
ZAM: Oh fuck off! And nope, no idea.
MAPICC: Can’t really do that currently. D’you think it’s like- that weird goose thing again?
ZAM: ... if it is, I swear I’m killing each and every one of them. Again.
MAPICC: I mean same but- whoa darling, aren’t you like God? Shouldn’t you be all perfect and prissy and ‘setting a good example unlike YOU Mapicc’?
ZAM: Don’t call me ‘darling’, asshole. And also I don’t give a fuck! Being perfect was boring anyways.
MAPICC: Aw, the pretty little princess is finally realizing that? What happened to all the ‘you’re SO EVIL MAPICC!’s and the ‘I hate you so much’s and the ‘I will NEVER be like you’s and all the rest of that?
ZAM: Well I don’t hate you for that, I hate you cause you’re the most annoying asshole I’ve ever been forced to meet!
MAPICC: Aw, thank you. I hate you too!
ZAM: FUck you.
A few moments of silence occur.
ZAM: ... that was a weird goose though.
MAPICC: Yeah apparently it was like- a soulmate goose or something.
ZAM: WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. OH. OH MY GOD THAT MAKES SENSE.
MAPICC: You didn’t. You didn’t know?
ZAM: NO??? So they were… they were trying to fucking SET US UP or something?
MAPICC: Darling- I don’t fucking know? Those things are weird as fuck dude.
ZAM: Don’t call me ‘darling’ and ‘dude’! Pick one, asshole.
MAPICC: So you’re fine with me calling you darling right?
ZAM: NO- YES- FUCK YOU.
MAPICC: Always a hater… you have a problem with everything darling.
ZAM: No I don’t! Just you! Cause you’re an asshole!
MAPICC: Yeah you do, you’re more of an asshole than me darling!”
ZAM: No fuck you.
MAPICC: Fuck you too!
ZAM: Die.
MAPICC: Oh darling, been there and done that! Try harder next time!
It is important to say that all this happens while the two are (willingly, by the way) pressed against each other like they are trying to merge into one being.
Genius may be Goose shaped, but Dumbassery seemed to be Them-shaped.
.
.
Well this was far worse than Ro thought it would be, and that was saying something.
His hope for their current ability to think had been only slightly in the negatives, but even that was apparently too high. Because this was a fucking disaster.
Not only did they physically get close to each other as much as they could, they kept on getting lost in each others’ eyes and bodies, continued to call each other the sappiest pet names imaginable, and OF COURSE, they told each other how much they absolutely despised the other and pretended they were mortal enemies.
The only people they were convincing were themselves. And Ro wasn’t fully convinced of even that.
This would take a lot of work… work he was willing to put in!
First, he’d have to observe them. Grow closer to them maybe. Play the long game, learn as much as he could about them, imitate them even if necessary.
And he knew how he’d do it; Zam always visited Earth frequently, and if he could trap Mapicc on Earth too… well they’d have to be together, and Ro could pretend to be some random fucking human! Genius was truly goose shaped.
And with enough luck and pure skill, maybe the trauma of getting stuck on Earth would make the two realize that they were dumbasses and that they should actually get together!
Highly unlikely, given that in all their millenia the two hadn’t already realized anything… but a goose could dream.
And honestly? Ro didn’t even need to do anything! He knew there was a plot in motion to get Mapicc banished, and well.
There really was no need to warn anybody about anything, was there? He was sure they had it handled :3