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It was the first night Chase had out of the Ex-Libris book in, what felt like, so long. He was in the bathroom getting ready for bed like he used to, stumbling through the skincare routine that had once come so naturally. He glanced in the mirror and was taken aback for a second at the sight of his reflection, at being able to see his actual face.
There had been many times Chase longed to see his true reflection in that book, but now, now it just looked like a stranger. More so than even Idonea's face. It felt … uncanny to no longer see Idonea staring back. The sight of her had become a comfort to him while in the book; it being gone now seemed wrong. It was too odd to even fully think about how he would never see her face in such clarity again.
Chase studied his reflection, searching for any recognition or comfort. He hadn’t seen his face in over a month, well what was over a month to his brain. His hair looked messier, maybe even longer, and there was a weariness in his eyes that wasn’t there before.
Logically, he knew it was him, but at the same time, something was off. Something in the back of his mind whispered that that was wrong. He didn’t know who this person was.
His face looked wrong, that was not supposed to be what he saw in the mirror. Where was the face of the girl he both knew and didn’t?
His reflection wasn’t right.
That was not him.
Chase averted his gaze and finished up as quickly as he could.
He avoided looking in mirrors for a while after that.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
Chase never thought he’d miss sleeping in a book. But as he laid in bed that first night back in the real world, he realized his bed just wasn’t as comfy as Idonea’s or even Spicula’s. Not to mention the lack of Buddy. He tried not to think about that though. Thinking about that led to thinking about Buddy and thinking about Buddy led to thinking about the end of the book and Chase really didn’t want to think about that right now, or ever. So, he shoved it to the back of his mind and tried to get some sleep.
He tossed and turned for a while, random things running through his mind, before he finally fell asleep. Though later he’ll wish he hadn’t. He didn’t realize it at the time but, what he went through in that book would have lasting side effects.
He was in the book and Buddy was there, except it was all wrong. It was the end of the book and Chase had just … just … done what he needed to do to get out. But, it wasn’t working. He was still in the book. He was still in the book and Buddy was bleeding. He was still in the book and Buddy was bleeding and there was so much blood and there should not be that much blood. Everything was wrong. It… it’s not supposed to be like this. That was supposed to get him out. Why, why is he still stuck here? What … what is going on? Oh god, oh Buddy. Frantically, Chase pressed his hands against Buddy’s wound in an attempt to stop or at least stall the bleeding. But it wasn’t working. It wasn’t working and Chase didn’t know what else to do and-
He awoke with a start, heart pounding and tears streaming down his face. It was just a nightmare, he sighed in relief and tried to calm himself.
It took a while for his body to realize he was safe and when it finally did all Chase wanted was to forget about the nightmare and go back to bed. However, that scene would not be pushed so easily from his mind. No matter how hard he tried to shake it, it kept bubbling up. That and the fear of another nightmare kept him from sleep.
So, he grabbed his phone and scrolled until he could no longer keep his eyes open, drifting off into a, luckily, dreamless slumber.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
Chase opened his eyes after a restless sleep and his foggy brain was startled to find that he was not in Idonea’s or Spicula’s bedroom.
Where am I? He wondered, as recognition for this place failed to load.
The room he was in was neither of the ones he was used to. It was covered in bright colors and posters of things he didn’t recognize. Where’s the vanity? What happened to the window? I thought it was bigger and on the other wall. What’s going on? His sleep muddled mind cleared then and where he was clicked.
Right. This is my room.
It was unsettling, to say the least, to wake up in his room and think that it looked strange. Unsettling to not recognize the things that occupied the space, the things he had so lovingly chosen years, even months, ago.
Chase sat up, set his feet on the rug and did his best to shake the feeling off.
The book is over, I’m Chase Hollow, this is my room.
He recited this to himself, like a mantra, like a lifeline, as he took a deep breath and wondered how long it would take for him to stop living in that book.
After another deep breath he got out of bed and went about his normal morning routine as best as he could.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
Later that day Chase was lying on the floor of the tower, just trying to get used to the space again. It was only yesterday that he left the Ex-Libris book and everything still felt strange.
The late morning sun coming in through the tower's windows was too bright compared to the gloomy weather on the island palace. The wood floor beneath him was so similar to that of the Mariora castle's floors but so different in a way Chase couldn’t describe. Even the smell , something he hadn’t really noticed before, left him off kilter.
He supposed that was to be expected, he had just spent weeks in that book, a longer amount of time than any of them had done before. But it was still so unsettling, to come back to the home he had lived and grown in just to find it a stranger.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
A new day, a new book. Chase was trying to follow the notes Deacon had written, but his head just wasn’t in it today.
Doing books felt strange. He had gotten used to life in Mariora, talking to the key siblings, annoying Buddy, trying to stop the disappearances, even the wedding planning stuff. Now it was all gone and he was still trying to accept that.
He tried to hide how he was feeling. Deacon asked once if he was ok. Chase had lied and his cousin let it drop, knowing that if Chase wouldn’t give him the truth there wasn’t much he could do.
Buddy however, noticed and wouldn’t take ‘I’m fine’ for an answer when he knew Chase wasn’t. “Chase, seriously what’s going on?” He asked softly, “You’ve barely said anything the whole time we’ve been here and you look like you’re not sure what you’re doing here.”
“I think… I’m just figuring out how to do this again.”
“What do you mean?”
“I … got used to the routine in Mariora and I guess my head is still kinda stuck there. I’ll be fine, I just have to get back in the swing of things.”
“Okay. … Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Tell me what I’m supposed to do next?” Chase joked.
“Honestly, does Freckles give you those notes for nothing?” Buddy teased, fake exasperation in his voice.
“For seriousness, just give me time, I think.”
“Okay. I’ll be here if you need me,” Buddy assured and Chase hugged him.
They continued with the book after a moment and if Buddy gave Chase not so subtle hints and help for the rest of the time, well that was no one’s business.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
The farmhouse felt too small.
Chase had gotten used to the winding halls and endless rooms of the Marioran castle, the sky high ceilings and wide corridors. Now, he felt cramped. Even though the house was relatively large, it no longer felt like enough.
The walls and ceilings were too close, the hallways ended too soon, the downstairs was too open.
It was all shaped wrong.
Sometimes he would walk up the stairs and start going in the direction of Idonea’s room before being met with an abrupt end to the hallway. Chase had never been claustrophobic but this seemed pretty close.
He found himself spending more time outside where he felt like he could breathe. He would lay in the grass and just soak in all the space. Sometimes he would see the wildflowers growing at the edge of their property and think of the vibrant garden of Mariora that he passed through so many times.
Sometimes his thoughts strayed and he found himself missing the book. He didn’t miss it, not truly, but there were some things he wished to have back. Talking to Rose and the key siblings, hanging out with Buddy practically all day, and Jabbu. Chase would never go back into that book but sometimes he longs to have those things again.
It doesn’t matter though because even if he were to go back there, the version of that story and the people that Chase knew never truly existed in the first place and would never exist again. The siblings, everyone, would be different, maybe only slightly so but still not the same.
It hurt to think about.
The entire book hurt to think about.
He preferred to not think about it, but it slipped in through the cracks in his mind, popping up when he least expected it.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
Chase sat up straight in his bed, awoken from another nightmare, his breath was fast and heavy as he tried to fill his lungs with air. The nightmares seemed to plague his mind more often than not lately. This time it was of Buddy’s fight with Violet except he couldn’t do anything about it.
He could only sit and watch.
Watch as Buddy chanted and magic glowed. Watch as Violet fought with all her might; a caged animal who wouldn’t go down without hurting someone in the process. Watch as the cuts started to appear on Buddy’s face and arms from the amount of magic he was using.
Chase hated these nightmares, he hated all his nightmares but the ones with Buddy were the worst. He hugged his knees and tried to erase all thoughts of nightmare from his mind. Tears began to form in his eyes and he was so tired that he just let them fall.
He rocked back and forth in his bed, in an attempt to calm himself down. It didn’t work very well so he just decided to distract himself with funny videos. Eventually the nightmare was pushed to the back of his mind and he fell back asleep, phone still in hand.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
When Chase awoke the next day, 4 days since they left that book, it was to find that his side and stomach hurt, not quite like a stomach ache, no this was different and much worse. And he had no idea what caused it, there was nothing that happened yesterday that should be giving him this kind of pain. But here he was, freshly awake and in pain for no reason. Chase knew he should get out of bed and start getting ready for the day but he wasn’t sure he had the energy to move.
The ache pierced through his body, like something was embedded in it, like something went through it. He lay there puzzled as to what could have caused this when a thought came to him, this was oddly similar to when he got hit with shrapnel during that book. Is that what this was? Some strange kind of phantom pain? Just a memory that has come back to haunt him. Chase wished he could say he was surprised by this but it seemed in line with all the other stuff that’s been happening.
He continued to lay in bed until Deacon came in to get him for breakfast and somehow Chase found the strength to move, to get up and get ready. His side continued to ache, making going about his day rougher than usual, he managed though. The pain never fully left him but it seemed to lessen as time passed and was gone by the next day. After all, it was just a dull memory of a wound that had never truly been and had healed long ago.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
Chase could no longer look at the keys without seeing their human counterparts. It hurt to remember them and what happened so he subconsciously started looking at them less, until he stopped looking at them almost altogether.
He didn’t notice but Silver did. “What’s wrong Chase?” She asked one day when they were hanging out in the tower. Deacon was busy with his parents and Prunella was out playing in the yard, so it was just Chase and the keys. He didn’t want to go into a book without his cousin but also didn’t want to be alone, so here he was.
It was only Silver with him right now though. Bronze was taking a nap in Terrance and Goldie, who they recently found through Prunella, was very busy sorting his gummy bear collection by level of friendliness, not sure how you do that but whatever.
“Hm? Nothing's wrong,” Chase replied, laying on his back staring at the ceiling, once again, unconsciously, avoiding looking at the keys.
“Chase,” Silver started softly, “You haven’t properly looked at us in days.”
“Oh. …Huh,” He realized.
“Are you sure everything’s ok?”
“I thought so, but … I don’t know,” Chase sighed, then took a moment to figure out what this was all about. “I think … I just see the people from the book whenever I look at you guys and it hurts.”
“The Ex-Libris book?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, that makes sense, that’s who we once were. But Chase, look at me,” after a moment's hesitation, Chase turned his head to look at the tiny woman, “We’re doing okay now. I know that bad things happened to us, things that we don’t remember, but you do. But right now, we’re okay because we’re with you. Okay?”
“Right, yeah. Thanks Silver.” They both knew those words wouldn’t fix the problem, only time could do that and maybe not even fully, but they did help.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
Chase was walking out back, not paying attention to what his feet were doing, lost in thought, until a bird call snapped him out of it. He looked around, confused as to why he was outside and then it hit.
He was going to see Rose.
Chase sat down in the middle of the yard, overcome with an intense grief for people who have been long dead, people he never truly knew.
He had been trying to figure something out and had been pacing while doing it, at some point that pacing turned into walking and led him out back. To where Rose should be. Rose, who he would talk to when the book got hard. Rose, who always listened and knew the right thing to say even though she didn’t really know him.
Chase just sat there, staring at the clouds above him, the grass below, listening to the birds in the trees and the chickens in their pen. He took a deep breath and released it, trying to ground himself back to reality.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
“Does the world ever feel wrong?” Chase asked his cousin one day. They had just finished their last book for the day and sent Prunella home. Now, they were sitting in the tower together, hanging out like old times.
“What do you mean?”
“Like, I don’t know. I guess … I got so used to being in the Ex-Libris book that now real life doesn’t feel real, ya know?”
“Mmm, I think I understand,” Deacon paused as he thought over his cousin's question. “Um, not really for me. I did get shocked to see my face in the mirror once. Oh, and I kept feeling on edge the other day and couldn’t figure out why for the longest time but I think it was because I thought I would be called away for maid duties at any second.”
“Huh, the mirror thing happened to me too.” Chase admitted, deciding to not mention that it has happened multiple times, along with so many other things. He was doing fine enough and didn’t want to worry Deacon. He changed topics and they continued to talk and hang out until Grandpa called them down for dinner.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
Chase is back in the book, he’s not sure how he got here but he’s here. He’s at the Island palace and Ravenell is talking to him. He isn’t really paying attention to whatever the duke is saying, he’s looking for Buddy, maybe Buddy can tell him why he’s here. Chase doesn’t want to listen to Ravenell talk anymore, he starts to walk away in search of Buddy. “Idonea, dear. Where are you going?” He hears Ravenell ask, he doesn’t say anything, just continues walking. “Idonea, stop. I was talking to you, come back over here.” Ravenell demands and much to Chase’s horror he does. He doesn’t want to but his limbs are no longer his own.
He’s still under Ravenell’s control.
Chase tries to fight it with all his might, tries to grab his key but can’t, he looks down like that will help force his hand to move and finds that his key is missing all together. What? What happened to Silver? Chase wonders, no answer coming to him.
He’s back next to Ravenell now, who is still talking about something, probably their wedding. Chase looks around for a way out of this and spies Buddy walking by, he desperately tries to signal to Buddy to help him but his arms remain useless and immobile at his sides. He tries to yell at Buddy to save him but his voice doesn’t work, his mouth opens and no sound comes out. Buddy glances over at the two briefly and continues walking. What is going on?
Ravenell has started to walk away, he calls for Chase to follow him and like the good wife the duke so desperately wants Chase does. Help! Someone help! He yells frantically in his mind, of course no one hears. He continues to follow Ravenell around, still looking for an escape, still not paying attention to whatever he’s rambling about now. Not paying attention to where he’s walking either, Chase trips on a rock. He lands harshly against the cold floor and gets the wind knocked out of him.
He shoots up in bed, waking from sleep, escaping that nightmare, breath heavy as he tries to soothe lungs that don’t feel full. He looks around his room and sees his Alistair body pillow on the floor by his bed, it must’ve fallen off while he was sleeping. Chase bends down and grabs it, hugging it tightly in search of any comfort he can find.
Slowly his breathing calms down as he reassures himself that he’s not in that book, that situation, anymore.
I should’ve listened to Buddy at the start of that book. Was any of what I learned worth it? The pain, the grief, the lingering feelings, the nightmares. Chase thinks to himself, tears silently rolling down his cheeks. He clutches the body pillow even closer, which didn’t seem possible. Why did I have to be so… so stubborn?! I saw how desperate Buddy looked when he told me I wouldn’t like what I found, why didn’t I listen. Why didn’t I ever listen to him? He warned me again and again and I … I was just. Augh! I wish Buddy were here right now. I wish he could comfort me like he did in that book.
Chase laid back down in bed and tried to sleep. He didn’t really want to fall asleep though, too scared of more nightmares following him. He tossed and turned for what felt like forever, missing Buddy’s calming embrace. Finally, he decided that enough was enough he wasn’t going to fall back asleep tonight, at least not for a while, he didn’t know what to do but knew he didn’t want to be alone.
As quietly as he could Chase went up to the tower, even though the keys were probably asleep he just wanted any form of comfort he could find. Silver heard him, however, and came out of her house, wondering what was happening. Curiously she approached Chase.
“What’s going on?” She asked, Chase turned at the sound of her small voice and weakly smiled at her.
“Did I wake you? Sorry. I couldn’t sleep and wanted some company.”
“Oh, I see. Is there anything in particular you want to do?” Silver asked and after a moment of thought Chase replied,
“Actually, could I go in a book right now?”
“Of course.”
“You don’t mind?”
“Not at all Chase, go pick one out I’ll wait here.” Chase went over to the pile of books he got from Mrs. G’s house and found a seemingly simple bedtime story. He skimmed the back of the story before going back over to Silver, he thanked her and she transformed into her key form. He entered the key into the book and was transported to the world of the story. Luckily for Chase the Heroine and Villainess started the story right by each other.
“Chase it’s so late, what’s going on?” Buddy asked and Chase just sped walked to him, embracing the other boy in a hug. He held Buddy tightly and after a moment Buddy hugged him back. They stood like that for a while, and Chase just took in everything he could, the feeling of Buddy pressed against him, wrapped in his arms, Buddy’s smell of books and stale air, the feel of the other boy’s hand softly petting his hair.
Eventually they sat down, Chase’s head in Buddy’s lap as the latter continued to run his hands through Chase's hair. “Chase,” Buddy tried again, “Are you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m all good now.” Chase replied and Buddy sighed.
“Ok… but why are you in a book this late? And, I suppose, were you ok?”
“I just needed some company… I had a nightmare.” Chase practically muttered the last word, feeling childish and not wanting to bother Buddy with his problems.
“Oh. … Sorry that sucks, is there- … do you- is this helping?”
“Yeah.”
“Good, that’s good.” They sat in silence for a while, Buddy mulling over his words, trying to figure out what to say. “… Do you want to talk about it?” He eventually asked.
“Not really.”
“Okay. I’ll be here if you ever do though.”
“Thank you.”
They remained like that for a while, just being together and comforting each other. Chase started to grow tired and figured it was time to leave. He gave Buddy a goodnight kiss and one more hug before grabbing his key and going home. Back in the tower Silver handed Chase the narratonin vial to add to the jar, which contained more that he thought it would’ve. Silver went back to bed and Chase crept silently down the ladder before crashing in his own bed. He grabbed his body pillow again, this time pretending it was Buddy, and drifted off into a dreamless sleep not long after.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
Emerging from sleep, his eyes still closed Chase felt around the bed in search of Buddy but didn’t find him. Where is he? Chase wondered before he opened his eyes and remembered that he was in his room, not Idonea’s. Buddy wasn’t here and had never been. Chase missed falling asleep and waking up next to Buddy, seeing his face bathed in the morning light streaming in from the window. He hoped that someday he would get to see that sight again, this time in his room.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
It was Friday again so Chase was visiting his mom. He was sitting on the bed next to her talking about everything and nothing. At one point something his mom said reminded him a little too much of Rose and Chase lost his focus on the conversation. “Is something wrong?” Myra asked, curious and slightly worried.
Chase blinked and for a second he was back in the tomb with Rose. For a second he could only smell the damp stale air that accompanied his visits. For a second the room was dark, lit only by candles. For a second he saw the thorn drawings scattered around her bed. For a second he could feel the chair he always sat in when visiting her beneath him. For a second he saw Rose’s face again in perfect clarity, the sickly look that he recognized too well.
Chase blinked again and he was back in the room with his mom. The sun was shining through the window and it smelled of the lavender air fresheners Aunt Beth used. He was sitting on the bed, plush blankets and pillows comforting him. He took a slow breath to ground himself that did not go unnoticed by Myra.
“Hmm? Nothing's wrong.” Chase replied, forcing himself to look at his mom and smile, she had a questioning look that was on the verge of worry. It melted a little when she saw his smile, but she knew him better than this. She knew there was something he wasn’t saying. She also knew that he would tell her when he was ready. So, she decided to let it drop, for now. Myra pulled him in for a hug and Chase almost broke down right there, by some magical force he managed not to and they went back to their conversation.
Before he knew it, it was time to go home. He hugged his mom goodbye and thought of Rose. Thought of how similar she and his mom are, thought of how comforting she was in that book, thought of how sad he was that she was gone, that his mom might be gone soon too. They broke out of the embrace and Chase smiled at her, but she could see the pain in his eyes in a way that only a mother could. Myra kissed the top of his head and told him she loved him, Chase said it back and left the room.
He managed to push the feelings to the back of his mind and acted like nothing was wrong all the way back to the farmhouse. When they finally got back Chase headed up to his room, locked the door, and cried. Cried for Rose, the key siblings, his mom, his dad. He cried because everything was so much and he was so tired and he needed to fix it all but he didn’t know if he really could and it felt like he was running out of time. He fell asleep shortly after that cry sesh, sleeping through dinner.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
It was Saturday and Chase was the only one home. Grandpa dragged Deacon out shopping with him and Prunella was busy playing in their backyard, since they weren’t going into a book quite yet.
The house was quiet, quieter than Chase was used to, and it set him on edge. The silence felt deafening. The house, for once, felt too big.
It isn’t supposed to be like this, there’s supposed to be noise and laughter. With the amount of people that live here it should be much louder. What happened? Where did they all go?
The back door opened, Prunella entered most likely here to grab a snack, and Chase was snapped out of his thoughts. Belatedly he realized he was thinking of Mariora. He sighed and walked into the T.V room where Prunella was now watching her survival show, not having anything else to do and wanting to distract himself Chase sat down on the couch and joined her without saying a word.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
Chase was doing his chores, going around and cleaning up the chicken coop and pen. Once he finished with that it was onto the horse stables.
He entered, ready to get to work, and was momentarily confused as to why they only had one horse. Where did all the other horses go? He thought to himself before remembering that they only ever had one horse, Boris. He was thinking of Mariora again. He seemed to be thinking of Mariora a lot lately.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
It was late but Chase didn’t want to go to bed, afraid of what nightmare would visit him tonight. It seemed his mind enjoyed torturing his sleep because almost every night he had a nightmare. And almost every night they were different.
He had nightmares about the Island Palace collapsing and neither him nor Buddy making it out. Nightmares about the injury from the ball except this time Buddy couldn’t get the narratonin to help him. Nightmares about each of the key siblings' disappearances, even the ones he didn’t witness. Nightmares about the stag where they’re unable to defeat it. Nightmares about that first time in the book where Buddy shot at him and in this one Chase can’t leave fast enough and feels the arrow pierce him. Nightmares about the torture dungeon and Buddy not finding him. Nightmares about the ending of that wretched book where he had to- where Buddy- where Buddy died.
He had so many nightmares and he was so tired of them. But, if he didn’t go to sleep they couldn’t hurt him. That was the logic he held onto as his body protested. He knew he needed sleep to keep his body and skin and mind in good condition but lately it didn’t seem worth it. He already started getting eye bags from his lack of sleep that was more often than not broken by nightmares.
So, he lay in bed scrolling through his phone, looking at funny cat videos, Alistair edits, Caspian Wolfsblood edits, anything to keep him awake as the time ticked by. Despite his efforts Chase eventually fell asleep and was greeted with yet another nightmare.
He was in the ruins of Chartesia. In front of where the palace had once stood. He looked around but all he could see was the black remains of what used to be a thriving city and the clock tower in the distance.
There was no one else around, why would there be? Everyone who had once lived here was dead now, burned to a crisp. There were only ashes left to bury but no one to bury them, they would have to return to the Earth on their own.
The clock tower began to ring behind him. Loud and deafening as it echoed across the empty valley, calling to people that weren’t there anymore. Chase walked around the ruins and saw Buddy disappear into a cellar door. Quickly he followed, curious as to what Buddy was doing here.
He went down a spiral staircase and then through a hallway into a large room, where he found Buddy, who was looking up at a council of hooded people. It seemed Chase had walked in during the middle of a conversation. One of the men was holding Buddy’s notebook and flipping through it. They stopped, however, right as Chase entered.
“Who are you? What are you doing here?” The man demanded, Chase tried to speak to tell the man that he was only following Buddy and didn't know what this place was but his words seemed to fall on deaf ears. The man gave no sign that he heard but Buddy did. While he didn’t turn to look at Chase his body tensed up at the sound of the other boy’s voice and Chase could see that it was taking every ounce of his self control to not move. “No matter,” The man continued, “You shouldn’t be here. What you see are closely kept secrets, ones we cannot afford to lose. Therefore you must die.” With that he waved two other hooded figures over and they began to drag him away. Chase called for help, for someone, for Buddy to save him, but no one did and Buddy stayed still.
Chase woke up, heart racing so fast it could win a marathon, his head pounded with the distant memory of the nightmare. One more to add to the list, he thought sarcastically as his body calmed itself down. He checked his bedside clock and saw that it read 4am. Doubting he would be getting any more sleep tonight, he grabbed his phone and began to scroll.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
Chase had started to get eye bags, something he tried so hard to avoid. Famous boy band members don’t have eye bags. But now with his nightmare plagued and frequently interrupted sleep, they started showing up. He did his best to hide them with some makeup, not wanting anyone else to see and start worrying about him.
One day however when looking in a mirror felt too wrong he forgot to cover them up.
“Chase, are you ok?” Deacon asked as they picked out their first book for the day.
“Yeah, I’m fine, why do you ask?”
“You have eye bags, I haven’t seen you with eye bags since you were sick.”
“Oh,” Chase faltered, he hadn’t realized that he didn’t cover them up today, “Yeah I just … had a rough night, I’m fine though.”
“Okay…” Deacon didn’t fully believe Chase’s words but let it drop. They finished getting everything ready and went into the book.
“Well, well, well, look who finally showed up.” Buddy teased as Chase found the right room for his scene at last.
“Hey Buddy.” Chase greeted as he walked over to the other boy.
“Did you read your notes this time or am I gonna have to-” He trailed off confusion with an undertone of worry marking his face.
“Have to what?” Chase asked, looking around the room, purposely avoiding Buddy’s gaze. It was all for naught when Buddy grabbed his chin and made Chase look at him. They stood there like that for a moment, Buddy examining Chase's face, clearly not liking what he saw, and Chase trying to look anywhere except at Buddy.
“Are you ok?” Buddy asked after a few moments.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Don’t lie to me, you have eye bags. Is it- … are you-” Buddy started, unsure of how to finish. But Chase knew what he wanted to say.
“Yeah, I’m still having nightmares.” Chase affirmed quietly, dipping his head down as Buddy’s grip went slack. Buddy pulled him into a hug and Chase melted into his embrace. He wished they could stay like this forever but they had a story to do. Chase put on his game face, pulled away, and got to his story duties. Buddy watched him with a helpless worry the rest of the book.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
He saw them sometimes, the people from the book. Always out of the corner of his eye, always out of reach, never really there. He’d be passing someone on the street who looked a little too much like King Galeus, or Rosenepphe, or one of the key siblings and he’d have to do a double take. Or Chase would think he saw someone, just to turn and have no one be there.
It was always unsettling. It was always jarring. It always left him a little off kilter. How strange it was to see pieces of these people in others. Pieces of people who died and disappeared so long ago. A few times he would wonder if the people he saw were related to any of the Mariora royalty before remembering that wasn’t possible. Ex-Libris made sure of that.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
Chase was eating dinner with his grandpa and Deacon when the room and table began to feel too small to him, began to feel incomplete. It was missing something and the walls were too close.
Chase did his best to ignore that feeling and to act like nothing was off. It worked for the most part, but then Grandpa said something and Chase looked across the table to see Buddy’s reaction only to find Buddy wasn’t there. He wasn’t there and had never really been there. Chase went back to eating, not really paying attention to the rest of the conversation. He finished as quickly as he could and went out back, desperate for the fresh air and wide space.
He sat down in the yard and dug his fingers into the grass, attempting to ground himself to this moment. Dusk was here, cicadas were buzzing in the trees, fireflies danced through the grass, and distantly Chase heard an owl. Deep breaths, he reminded himself, In and out. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there for, but the sun had set long ago. The back door opened, Chase registered it faintly.
“Hey, you okay?” Deacon asked as he approached his cousin.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” It was a lie, such an obvious one too. Deacon was getting sick of Chase constantly lying about being alright.
“It’s okay if you’re not.” Deacon joined Chase on the ground and turned his gaze to fireflies, watching them instead of Chase. “That book was hard. For both of us, but especially you. I don’t even think I truly know what you went through in it. It makes sense if you’re not okay. I mean, it’s only been a few weeks since that all happened. So, you’ll be alright, it just takes time,” Deacon said, attempting to comfort his cousin.
“God, don’t say that!” Chase snapped. He had listened intently to what Deacon was saying and took some comfort in it but that last sentence snapped something he didn’t even know was breaking. “I don’t want it to be fine with time, I don’t want to wait months for all this to go away for good! I just want it gone now! Why can’t it just leave me alone?” Chase sobbed and Deacon, not knowing what else to do, pulled him in for a hug.
“I’m sorry.” The older boy whispered, an apology for what he just said and for all that has happened. An apology that he wasn’t there to protect Chase like he used to be able to do. An apology for this shitty hand Chase had been dealt. An apology that they were in this situation at all.
They sat like that for a while, Chase crying while Deacon did his best to comfort his cousin. Chase hated letting Deacon see him like this, but he had to admit it was nice to have someone comfort him in his pain.
“It’s getting late, we should probably go inside,” Deacon said as Chase began to calm down. Night had settled, the only light coming from inside the house. Chase didn’t say or do anything, he wasn’t sure he could. He was frozen in place, frozen in time. “Come on.” Deacon helped him up and helped him walk into the house. Chase didn’t know how he was moving, didn’t remember telling his limbs to do that but before he knew it he was laying on his bed. He was so tired, so numb. He didn’t want to fall asleep but it dragged him under anyway.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
Not all the memories Chase had of that book were bad ones. There were some that even held a certain … fondness. The view of the ocean from his window: wide, blue, and wonderfully endless. The way the sun danced and sparkled on the water in the late afternoon light. The apple orchard, without Ravenell, the smell of crisp apples ripening, the way the sun shone through the canopy of leaves. The quiet beauty of the gardens, flowers in all sorts of colors blooming everywhere. Salt air tangling his hair, a constant reminder that the Ocean was right there. That nap in the afternoon sun with Buddy, warm and safe. The sounds of laughter drifting through the halls, carefree and happy. The masquerade ball: dancing with Buddy, the peaceful low light, the freedom to be whoever for one night.
These were the things he held onto if- when his mind looked back. These were the things that helped keep the nightmares at bay. When he would question if it was all worth it, he’d think back to these moments.
Sometimes though, the happy memories made it worse. Sometimes the happy memories make it so easy to forget all the pain. He’d find himself wishing to go back or missing the story. He doesn’t actually want to go back, doesn’t want to live through that trauma again. But his brain doesn’t always know that.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
Chase was in the chapel. The one on the island. The one that contained Rose’s life in snapshots. Her birth, her marriage, her fake death. These walls knew it all.
He saw an open door off to the side. Curious, Chase walked towards it. When he looked in almost all he could see were vines. There was the beginning of stairs, worn smooth by time, but those got covered only a few steps in, until the floor just looked like vines.
Tentatively he entered the vine encased stairwell and began to descend. He walked, and walked and walked and seemed to make no progress. Yet, when he looked back he could barely see the exit. It was just a small pocket of light amongst the vines. He turned around to continue on his way down. As he walked it seemed the walls of vines got closer and closer until he was left in a thin hallway.
The way forward was crowded with vines thicker than trees, the way back was almost the same. The more he tried to continue on the more it felt like he was never going to get out. The vines didn’t want to budge, didn’t want to let him in. He tried to push and shove his way past them with varying levels of success and accumulating scratches along his arms and legs. Blood was seeping from the cuts and as it hit the vines Chase swore they got thicker.
Eventually he realized he couldn’t keep going. It didn’t matter what was at the end of this tunnel, if he keeps trying to continue he will die here. Slowly, carefully, Chase turns around to face the way he came. At least, he thinks it's the way he came from. All the vines look the same. They’re all surrounding him.
Chase takes deep breaths to fight off the panic building at the edge of his mind. It’s okay, this was the way you came from. Just go back. It’ll be okay.
But nothing is okay, because going back holds the same struggle as going forwards and the vines won’t budge and Chase is tired and his arms are bleeding and and and … he’s going to die here.
He’s going to die here.
He’s going to die here and no one will know. He doesn’t know if Idoena was meant to do this in the story. He doesn’t know if Buddy knows he’s here. He doesn’t know how to get out.
He can’t get out.
He’s going to die here.
Chase crouches low to the floor, trying to calm his racing heart, trying to keep a panic attack at bay. Crouching was a mistake however, one he doesn’t realize until the vines are already twisting around his ankles. Slowly they began to snake up his legs, desperate for any kind of food. They’d already tasted his blood and they wanted more. They made their way up his legs and torso until he was almost wrapped entirely in them. The thorns pierced his skin. They were choking him, strangling him, there was no way out, there was no escape.
Chase awakes in a coughing fit. Hands pulling at phantom vines still wrapped around his neck. Slowly he regains his bearings. Slowly his body clams down. Slowly he realizes he’s not stuck there, and he never was. Slowly he processes that he’s alright, there are no vines, there are no thorns, it was just a bad dream.
He sits up in his bed and checks the time on his phone. 3am it reads. Welp, that’s great. I got like 5 hours of sleep. He thinks sarcastically.
In hopes of shaking off this nightmare Chase gets up and goes to the bathroom to splash his face with cold water.
He doesn’t bother turning on the light when he gets there, it’ll just mess with his semi-sleepy brain. Not to mention, he doesn’t know what feeling his reflection will invoke this time. He never knows whether it’ll be normal or whether it won’t feel like his. So, he leaves the light off, splashes his face with cold water, dries it, and heads back to his room. Where he knows he won’t be getting any more sleep tonight. Sometimes, after nightmares he can fall back asleep. But right now? Now, he feels way to awake for that.
With a need for emotional release and an inability to fall asleep, Chase picks up his guitar and starts playing. It’s just a random melody at first. Just a strumming pattern and chords that sound how he feels. But, before he knows it, lyrics are coming to him. Lyrics that wouldn’t make sense to anyone else. Lyrics that don’t sound good. Lyrics that are just strange. To be fair though all his songs have been weird lately. They’ve been coated in metaphors and have been more personal than they ever were. He doesn’t plan on producing or releasing any of these. It’s nice to have some way to get these thoughts and feelings out of his mind though.
He plays quietly until he hears his Grandpa get up. Then he puts down the guitar and goes to help with any early morning chores.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
“It’s not fair!” Chase yelled to no one in particular. Deacon was shopping for college supplies with his parents and Grandpa was out of town for some baking competition, so it was just him alone at home. “The book is over! It’s been over for almost two months! So why why am I still … still stuck in it?!”
Everything had felt wrong that day, he couldn’t say what it was, everything was just off. His house, his body, his mind, none of them felt like his and nothing he tried fixed it. “Why can’t I move on? Why does it keep haunting me?” He was sobbing now, slumped on the floor of their living room cause he couldn’t stand to be in his room right now, it felt too fake.
He didn’t want to be alone but didn’t want Silver, or any of the keys, to see him like this. He wished Buddy were here. He wished Buddy could hug him, hold him tight, comfort him while he cried, whisper reassuring words that would get lost in his sobs but still have a soft tone that got the message across.
But Buddy wasn’t here, no one was. At least no one who could help him. So Chase cried alone until he was too tired to continue. He fell asleep on the couch and didn’t wake until much later that afternoon.
~~~~~~ 🌹 ~~~~~~
Chase was so tired of all of this. Tired of the constant reminders and flashback-like moments he kept having. He wanted his brain to stop dragging him back to that book. He was done with it, he shouldn’t have to think about it anymore. He didn’t want to think about it anymore, but it wouldn’t leave him alone. It kept circling in his mind, showing up at random moments.
He thought it would fade with time, and he supposes it has, it’s been months and he’s still experiencing the stuff but less. He can look in the mirror for weeks without thinking it should be Idonea’s face staring back, it’s been a while since he’s tried to go to Rose’s fountain, looking at the keys hurts way less now, hell even his nightmares haven’t been as frequent. So it is getting better, it just doesn’t seem like it because he’s still feeling the effects. He wishes for one day to realize that it’s been months or even years since anything happened. He’s holding out hope for that day.