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Jesse should have been used to seeing this by now, but it never got easier. Worst part of it was, he was awake, his eyes wet from unshet tears as a string of Italian curses left his lips. His soft lips. Jesse had the desirable urge to kiss him all over his face until he felt better again, but that would probably make the situation worse.
Rex hated physical touch. He could barely handle holding hands, or a quick kiss on the cheek, hell, even holding her waist on the red carpet was too much for him. Sometimes Jesse hated it, especially in moments like these where Jesse didn't want anything but kiss him, hold him and touch him in places he didn't want to be touched.
She kneeled down next to him, examining the injuries. She hated the soft groans that registered in her mind every few seconds. It was so obvious that her strong and cocky boyfriend was failing to keep himself together. But then he let out a soft cry that sounded like her name and her heart stopped.
"Rex is it your knee again?" Jesse questioned as her eyes focused on the bruise on his knee. That was permanent, but she couldn't make out if it was more bruised than usual. Rex had a chronically fucked up knee, the doctors had messed up the procedure one too many times and now his ACL was fucked for the rest of his life. It didn't interfere much with his usual lifestyle, but sometimes Rex had to wear his brace to make the pain more manageable.
Jesse knew Rex couldn't afford an injury now, the Italian boy was leading the world championship, his mercedes rocketship high above the others. It was almost certain that he'd claim the championship in the first few races after the summer break which still had about 3 weeks left. 3 weeks to recover.
Rex belatedly shook his head at Jesse's question. "No.. no my calf and ankle.. I don't know" His voice was softer than usual, and even though it was flat, Jesse could still hear desperation, panic and pain in his voice. She swallowed the lump in her throat and focused on keeping her hands on Rex's leg, and his leg only. It wasn't until Rex hugged Jesse, that she let her hands roam over his body.
"Why are you hugging me? You feel stiff.."
"Dunno. You looked like you could use a hug" Rex muttered as if it was the most normal thing in the world for him to do. Jesse was baffled but kept her mouth closed, enjoying this rare moment of touch. Even when he was the one in pain and in panic, he put Jesse's comfort above his own. Jesse made a bold move sliding her hand under his shirt, but Rex, as expected, jerked away.
"Was trying to be nice, jeez.." He mumbled, his eyes squinting at Jesse. Rex already had smaller eyes than most Italians, and Jesse thought it was adorable, but whenever he squinted, she was sure she'd die of an overdose of cuteness.
"You're so cute.." Jesse mumbled, a lustful look in her eyes. Rex clearly picked up on it because he scowled and backed up a little more.
"Jesse stay focused, my leg hurts so much" His voice was steady but Jesse could see his lower lip twitching, just like it always did whenever he was in pain. Over the years, Jesse learned to notice those small things. The small movements her perfect boyfriend made to express his emotions. But he was right, she should focus.
"Okay- what happened, because I only heard you scream" Jesse asked, her eyes roaming over his body. He was sweating quite profusely, and his eyes were still glistening with unshed tears. It looked unsettling.
Rex shrugged and drew mindless patterns on his thighs. "I don't know.. I was doing cardio on the treadmill and my leg just gave in". To Jesse it sounded like a muscle had torn, and Rex really could not use that right now.
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Jesse's leg shook as she sat on the uncomfortable plastic chair in the waiting room. Her eyes were fixed on the clock, waiting until the 30 minutes were over. She blinked every minute, not wanting to look away.
Finally, after what felt like hours, a doctor came up to her. His face was grim, and Jesse's heart dropped to the bottom of her stomach.
"Is he okay?" Her voice wavered and it gave her flashbacks to all the earlier times she had asked that. Luckily this wasn't a life or death situation as it had been a few times before.
"He'll be fine.. Mr. Tabino fully ruptured his achilles tendon" The doctor said. Yes, Rex would be fine, Jesse knew that, but a full achilles tendon rupture would take up to 12 months to heal. Rex would not be happy with having to stop racing, especially in such an important season.
"He's in room 1221, he said he wanted to be left alone but I think he needs someone with him.. didn't seem happy" Jesse immediately knew what the doctor meant. Rex had a bit of a bad history, his coping mechanisms weren't very healthy.
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Jesse knew Rex was awake, but she also knew that pretending to be asleep was his way of protecting himself from the world. The big and scary world.
"Lights are too bright" Rex mumbled, opening one eye before draping his arm over his eyes to shield it from the 'bright' lights, that weren't even that bright.
"They aren't even bright, you fucking baby" Jesse grinned, but it was a stupid thing to say, because she could see the Fiorentinian boy tense up more. He moved to lay on his side but it earned a groan of pain.
Jesse instinctively moved to the bed, and saw the recovery plan papers. She knew Rex would not follow them. She knew Rex would be racing in three weeks. She knew that Rex would be up and walking tomorrow. She knew that Rex would push himself to the point of no return. Rex could not do nothing. Jesse had never seen Rex stay in the same position for more than 2 minutes except for when he slept. To be honest, Rex slept a lot. It were the rare moments of peace and quiet he got.
"Jesse you know I'm not gonna follow that stupid recovery plan" Rex mumbled, still not moving from his position. Jesse knew he was shutting down and there was almost nothing she could do to stop it. Almost nothing. And yet she decided to choose the wrong 'almost nothing' and sat down on his hospital bed. She heard a huff which turned into a slight scream when she put her hand on Rex's cheek to try and get her boyfriend to fucking look at her for once.
She gripped a little tighter and practically forced Rex's neck to turn, but he strained against it easily, considering he's an F1 driver. "Just fucking look at me, Rex! Or are you so weird that you can't even look at the person you love?!" Low blow, Jesse knew that, but it was hard not to feel rejected whenever her boyfriend wouldn't look at her.
Rex let out another huff, this time he sounded more annoyed than anything else. He mumbled something that sounded like sorry with a heavy Italian accent before he sat up and swung his legs over the edge. Jesse caught a quick glimpse at his ankle, and my god.
"Rex-" Jesse started, but he wasn't listening. He grabbed the crutches that the doctor had placed next to the bed and started to walk away. "I don't want to talk to you, I'll see you at home, I'm gonna do the paperwork" And with that, the Italian boy walked out of the room.
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Rex had in fact not followed the recovery plan. He'd raced 5 races so far, only 9 to go. He had gotten almost obsessive with his routine, and it was scaring Jesse. What also scared Jesse was the knife she'd found on the floor with the slightest stain of blood on it. She had tried to confront Rex about it, but she barely saw him anymore with him racing and her being busy with tour preparations and taking care of a child. Rex really was the worst parent ever, but he hadn't exactly planned on getting a kid either, so Jesse didn't blame him. He was only 20 and his dad had been abusive, so he also didn't have much of an example on what to do. He had great maternal instincts, but he just couldn't focus on anything else than racing right now. He was leading by far, he had almost maximized the points so far, but of course his teammate had to go and win every once in a while too. At least the constructors points were almost maxxed out. Almost. If Kimi hadn't ruined his Chinese sprint race, they would've maxxed out the points.
He opened the door and dropped the keys onto the cupboard, trying to be as silent as possible. It was 2 am and he had just arrived back to London. Jesse was probably sleeping. Rex was tired, and his ankle was killing him, but he'd spent most of the day at the airport and in the plane, so he hadn't done enough to work out. Luckily their apartment was an entire floor of the building, so they had room for an at home gym. He opened the fridge to grab a bottle of sugar free sprite and went over to the gym.
He popped in his wired earbuds and went on the bike, leaning on his arms while moving his legs to keep up with the automatic pedals. He was slightly panting, but he was mostly quiet, listening to the soft sound of his music playing in his ears. He'd been listening to the same song on repeat, it just felt safer than having to discover new music
Rex knew he was pushing himself too hard, but it wasn't like he could just.. calm down. He had to do this, he couldn't explain why. It had probably turned into a bit of an addiction now and he was too scared to tell Jesse that. He was too scared to tell Jesse about anything right now. It just felt like she was gonna say 'I told you so, now retire this season'. With the amount of points Rex had, he probably would still get in the top 5 of the championship, but that wasn't good enough. No one remembers anything lower than p3. No. He had to win. He had to fight. Fuck this achilles tendon that just so happened to be ruptured. He'd just take a dose more of his pills.
Rex didn't notice that Jesse walked in. She's cut her hair even shorter, it was now a layered pixie cut but it was disheveled. She looked a mess, wearing one of Rex's t-shirts and a pair of sleeping pants with tartan on it. She smiled at Rex, but it was a sad smile. Seeing her boyfriend push himself too hard was difficult for her to watch, because she knew there was absolutely nothing she could do to get him out of this obsessive spiral.
"Rex, hey, do you want food?" She asked, watching as Rex's head slowly moved in her direction, an apologetic frown on his face.
"Oh, sorry.. hadn't meant to wake you.. yeah- yeah food would be nice.." He smiled, and Jesse knew it was a genuine one. It wasn't like he was a machine now, he was just very focused. At least he wasn't masking with her anymore. Rex didn't know what masking meant, and Jesse planned to keep it that way, because if he knew what it meant and he knew that Jesse knew that he was doing that, he would double down on it and actually become emotionless.
Jesse smiled back, running a hand through her short hair. Honestly it was shorter than Rex's now, but the Italian boy had not gone to the barber in quite some time which had caused his curls to grow longer and more untamed. "Want real food or that crappy macrobiotic diet stuff?" Jesse asked, a her smile turning into a knowing smirk. She knew that Rex needed control over almost everything in his life, so of course he'd want his crappy diet safe food.
"My macrobiotic diet safe food is actually tasty, don't disrespect it like that!" Rex joked, a grin forming on his face. Jesse loved it whenever he grinned, it made his entire face scrunch up and Jesse was obsessed with it. "But yeah, I would like my macrobiotic diet stuff" He hummed before focusing on his bike again. Jesse sighed, her smile slowly fading. When was all this control going to spiral out of control? Jesse wasn't sure, and she also wasn't sure if she wanted to know.
She returned a few beats later, handing Rex a bowl of fake yogurt and fruits, but she'd mixed some electrolytes and extra nutrients in it, hoping Rex wouldn't notice. His muscles were gaining again, but at what cost? All of his weight was practically muscle, none of it was healthy fats. Jesse was worried, and she found it valid, but Rex always snapped at her whenever she brought it up.
"Don't look at me like that" Rex huffed out, a soft scowl on his face, which disappeared a bit when he realized that maybe, just maybe, Jesse was only trying to keep him with her. "I'm okay.. I think.. It's not as bad as 6 years ago I promise" He said, his voice softer now. Jesse let out a soft laugh but it quickly turned into sobs. Rex was too perceptive, he knew Jesse was worried. She couldn't hide anything from him, and it killed her that he could hide everything from her. Rex got off the bike and took a few bites of the yogurt. He sat down close to where Jesse was standing, but her knees buckled and she sat down next to her boyfriend.
"You know I'm worried, Rex" She cried softly, trying to get herself back together. It was stupid, really, crying about your boyfriend who will never change anyway.
Rex wanted to reassure her, but he also really didn't want to talk about his feelings and the fact maybe he wasn't as okay as he let on. "You've cut your hair" he stated as his hand found the back of Jesse's neck, just wanting to feel the soft hair between his fingers.
Jesse managed a laugh, a little smile on her lips. "Yeah.. d'you like it?" She asked, her eyes finding Rex's. He nodded and let his hand drop again. "Yeah, is nice.." His Italian accent was thick, he's probably tired, Jesse thought. Her thoughts were quickly confirmed when a yawn escaped Rex.
"I fucked up my routine today.. Should've been sleeping hours ago" Rex murmured, covering his mouth to stifle a second yawn. Jesse knew Rex loved his routines, there was barely a single day that went by that wasn't carefully planned. Rex woke up at 5, went for a run at 5:30, came back at 6:30, got in a quick protein shake and then at 7:00 he always went to the gym and stayed there for 2 hours. Lunch was always at 14:30, and dinner was at 21:30 almost every single day, depends on reservations of restaurants but Rex barely went to restaurants, because usually he couldn't eat anything off the menu and he felt bad whenever he had to bring his own food. There had been a period of time where Rex would ignore his diet whenever he went to restaurants but quickly after everything had spiralled out of control and in the desperate need to gain that control back, he doubled down on his diet. Jesse hated how sometimes, she couldn't even make a quick snack. Jesse had begged him to just break the diet for one day, but Rex couldn't. He was scared that it would all go wrong again.
"Rex I think you're spiralling in your control so badly that it's getting out of control" Jesse said after a while of silence. She wiped away the remaining tears but they were quickly replaced with new ones as she looked at Rex. He always got good sleep, but he looked so exhausted, that Jesse was starting to question that. Rex looked at Jesse's tears, but didn't make a move to wipe them away. He felt a lot, but couldn't express it. He just surpressed it, like always.
"It's not getting out of control" Rex mumbled as a reply, and Jesse just rolled her eyes, pulling off Rex's shoe to get a look at his ankle, which had only gotten more blue and more swollen than it had been that dreadful day a few months prior. Rex was so obsessed with the idea of recovering as fast as possible that he overdid it without noticing. Maybe he noticed, Jesse wasn't sure, but if she'd been him, she would've stopped pushing herself as much as Rex was doing. She sniffled again, her eyes moving back to observe Rex's facial expressions. He seemed to be stuck in his thoughts because an absentminded expression was hovering on his face.
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Jesse noticed all of it. She noticed that he was eating less, she noticed that he spent all of of his free time in the gym, he noticed that he always kept himself occupied and listened to music before going to sleep just so he didn't have to think. He was basically avoiding to think. Jesse was worried, Rex already didn't like to be alone with his thoughts, but this was obsessive and unhealthy, even for his doing. She noticed that he was losing weight rapidly despite his diabetes, she noticed that there were barely any moments where Rex wasn't wearing airpods, she noticed that the team was starting to frown at him whenever he walked past, she noticed that the usually tight racing suit was getting loose, she noticed that his eyes lost their light. She noticed it all, and it was killing her inside and killing her perfect-not-so-perfect-anymore boyfriend literally.
One day she had enough and sat him down at the table, a huge bowl of pasta in front of him.
"You're gonna eat, I don't care if you don't want to, I don't care about your diet, I care about you and I won't accept to watch any longer while you fucking starve yourself to death. And after you finish this you are going to talk" Jesse had to pause to take a breath. "You're going to talk about whatever is burdening you and causing you to do this to yourself. And then we are going to find a therapist together and then you are going to recover, alright?" Jesse finished and just observed Rex for a while. She loved him so much, and she felt like she would die if he died.
Rex let out a soft sigh that could've been perceived as a sob, and he then rubbed his eyes agitatedly. It wasn't like he didn't want to recover, but he just wasn't sure if he could. He was so far gone now, and he'd told himself he'd stop multiple times but he couldn't. He had dug himself a hole way too deep to get out of. He knew it was bad when he'd caught himself counting calories a few weeks earlier, when he'd been eating an almost calorie-less meal. He'd skipped dinner that night. Right now he was counting calories as well, and Jesse noticed. Of course she did, because he'd dropped the mask of being okay a few minutes ago. He was openly crying now and Jesse knew that hugging him would only make it worse.
"I don't know if I can get better" Rex sobbed, his hands still trying desperately to wipe tears away that just kept getting replaced with new ones. "Jesse, I'm scared. I don't know if I can do this, I'm too far gone- I'm such a worthless piece of shit.. I should've asked you for help sooner- I'm sorry.. I can't do this- this.. this is too much food.. I'm scared that if I eat it, I'll throw it up in about an hour- I.. yeah I'm just scared"
"I said that you were gonna talk after you ate, now eat up, I don't expect you to finish it" Jesse's words would've been harsh if it weren't for the soft, gentle and patient tone she was using. She gently urged a fork closer to Rex, and he took it with shaky hands, his eyes wide as he stared at the food. He used to love pasta, so why did it seem like such a massive task to eat it now? Still, he pushed himself to eat it, because he wasn't raised a quitter. He wasn't weak.
Jesse started smiling as soon as Rex got a few bites in, her eyes starting to sparkle. She noticed some of the light returning to his eyes and she nearly cried, but she had to keep herself together so she didn't. Rex kept eating, allowing himself to get that nutrition his body had been craving for months. It tasted good, it was his favorite type.
"You made this?" He questioned while he was still chewing the cacio e pepe. Jesse nodded excitedly, her smile turning into a full on grin. "Yeah! You like it?"
"My god Jesse" Rex nearly moaned because of how much he liked it. "It might just because I haven't had proper food in a long time, but this might be one of the best cacio e pepe's I've ever had!" He was so enthusiastic, it gave Jesse so much nostalgia. Before he even started this stupid macrobiotic diet, he used to eat a lot more things, and he used to always be so excited about his food, this reminded Jesse of that time.
After a while he'd finished the entire bowl of pasta, and didn't feel nauseous or guilty from it. It caused a warm feeling to spread in his chest, he even smiled a little. It didn't quite reach his eyes yet, but it was a start. Then, he and Jesse talked for what was nearly 2 hours. Rex would've gone to bed now, but Jesse said that they really needed to find a therapist that evening, otherwise he wouldn't agree to it anymore. She was probably right, so that's how Rex found himself laying on Jesse's shoulder looking at a promising website. Private location, flexible appointments and also flexible lenghts for the appointment, to a maximum of 3 hours. Specialised in young athletes with an eating disorder.. Rex smiled, maybe it would work out.
Jesse smiled too, her smile content whereas Rex's smile was hopeful. Jesse was hopeful too, but she was content because Rex seemed keen on actually getting better.
"Rex, you know it will be difficult right? It's important you don't give up, this won't go away with two sessions" Jesse noted, because she knew Rex had a tendency to feel like he failed if he didn't succeed quickly.
Rex let out a long sigh. "Yeah.. I know.. not exactly happy about it though" His eyes found Jesse's, and the warm feeling in his chest spread to his cheeks. He was so grateful to have her.
"I don't deserve you" He mumbled, nuzzling his head into the space between her shoulder and her neck.
"Yes you do, and whatever you're gonna face, we'll get through it together, okay?" Jesse smiled at Rex, her eyes soft and her smile fond. Rex nodded.
"Yes, together."