Work Text:
Buck was exhausted. He had been tired before, which was expected after working for 10 years as a firefighter, but he was only now realising that he had never felt true exhaustion before. The kind that weaves its way through your body and settles deep in your bones. The kind that stops you in your tracks. He could barely even form a coherent thought past “I don’t want to feel like this anymore.” His body wanted to give up, and his mind was in no condition to fight it, so he had no other choice. He had to accept the one thing he had been fighting for so long; sometimes it’s okay to ask for help, and you don’t have to feel like a burden when the people that love you want to offer it.
1.
Buck wakes to the sound of whispering voices from his entryway, and wonders who is taking the next shift on looking after him. He lifts his head from his pillow and reaches for his phone, which was charging on the nightstand. The time read 7:30, meaning that Hen was leaving after staying with him all afternoon. He feels bad about sleeping through almost her entire visit, until he remembers that she wasn’t exactly here on a social call.
Buck has to force himself yet again to push back the guilt that their kindness brought to him. After 4 days of the 24/7 monitoring and everyone constantly reminding him that they were here because they wanted to be, his shame has lulled from a sharp pain in his heart to a dull throbbing, but it’s still weighing on him. Every time he’s reminded that they all have their own lives, their own families, and gets the urge to lock his door and force them all away, he remembers the desperation he felt that day in the ambulance. How badly he wanted to take the vials. How his life could have been ruined if the alarm hadn’t gone off. How he could have lost the one thing that has kept him going all of these years; the 118. That usually convinces him to keep the door open, because the only thing worse than burdening his family, would be losing them.
He sets his phone down, hoping that turning off the light will help with the stabbing pain in his head, and slowly sits up in his bed. It’s only then that he can hear that it’s May and Harry speaking to Hen, who is detailing the fact that Buck had spent the entire afternoon sleeping.
He takes one of the many blankets from his bed and wraps it around his shoulders to combat the shivers running through his body, before standing from his bed and walking out into the living room to see May and Harry coming through from the hallway.
He hears the door close softly and chides himself for not coming out to say goodbye to Hen. He’ll text her as soon as his head stops fighting him.
“Hey, man, it’s good to see you up,” says Harry, walking over and clapping a hand on Buck’s shoulder.
“Yeah man, it’s good to finally get out of bed. I’m really happy to see you guys.” This was the first time that May and Harry had been over since all of this started, and Buck had never been happier to see them.
The three of them had gotten a lot closer in the past year, with Buck helping May study for the bar exam, and training Harry for the academy. Now that May had finished school and Harry was working at the 118, they made an effort to catch up as much as possible.
Buck moved past Harry and settled himself on his couch, sinking into the corner and quickly covering himself with another blanket. May and Harry follow, May sitting on the other side of the couch and Harry on a kitchen chair that someone had moved into the living room during a game of pictionary a few days ago.
“So, May, how did that interview go? The one with your mom’s old friend?” Harry subsequently burst out laughing, and May gave him an unimpressed look before looking back at Buck.
“Okay, I’ll tell you the story but only on the condition that Harry has to tell you the story of the date he went on last night afterwards,” she states, before smiling in her brother’s direction. “And yes, both stories end with someone in handcuffs. And not in a fun way.”
Buck finds himself genuinely smiling by the time they’re both finished, something that isn’t exactly easy these days. May tells him about how she has decided to apply to nursing school this fall, and Harry insists that he’s sworn off dating forever.
It might be the first time in days that he has felt normal. He doesn’t feel like they are babysitting him or coddling him, he really feels like he is just catching up with two of his best friends.
Neither of them mention it when he runs to the bathroom to get sick, they just make sure he’s okay when he returns and continue the conversation like nothing happened.
When his headache has improved just enough, he suggests they catch up on this week's episode of The Bachelor, and when he goes to sleep that night, he realises that he hadn’t thought about his addiction in hours.
2.
Buck hears a car door slam outside and knows that it's finally time for Maddie to go home. She has been here all day, and has spent the last two hours dozing on Buck’s couch while a movie played in the background. He was only half paying attention, as he was taking advantage of his surprising levels of energy and researching tips for keeping a sourdough starter alive, which he had failed at an embarrassing amount of times.
His front door creaks open and he hears heavy footsteps tracking through the entryway and the sound of a coat being added to the rack.
Maddie doesn’t even stir, so Buck resolves to let her sleep instead of sending her home, knowing that she hasn’t been sleeping properly ever since she found out about him. Between worrying about Buck, looking after her own family, and running the call centre, she has a lot going on. The least that Buck can do is let her sleep.
He stands from the couch, pausing to let a wave of lightheadedness pass, before walking to meet Eddie at the entrance to the living room. Eddie meets his eye, before running his gaze over Buck’s body, pausing at his shirtless chest before finding his face again. He must see something that he doesn’t like there, because he makes his way to stand right in front of Buck, reaching the back of his hand to lay on Buck’s forehead. Buck isn’t exactly surprised at this reaction. He knows that he’s been looking like hell these days.
Buck holds his gaze as Eddie frowns.
“Your fever feels pretty bad, have you taken your temp recently?” Buck notes how Eddie’s hand lingers before it slowly trails away to rest at his side.
“102.7. Maddie checked a while ago.” He makes a point to whisper, hoping that Eddie will follow suit. He already feels bad enough that Maddie is spending her day off here, he’ll be damned if she can’t at least get some sleep.
“You’re getting pretty close to earning yourself a hospital visit,” Eddie remarks, his brows furrowing in worry.
Buck lets out a humorless laugh before saying “yeah, well I’ve always said go big or go home. Are you really surprised that this is no exception?”
That made Eddie laugh softly, and if it isn't the best sound that Buck had heard in days. He hadn’t seen Eddie in almost 2 days, since the A shift had been working together since yesterday afternoon. The 118 shirt and work pants that Eddie was wearing made it clear that he had come from the station, not even taking the time to change. Buck notices his gear bag sitting next to the coat rack.
“Come on, let’s get you to bed,” Eddie says, moving for the hallway.
“Yeah, just a second.” Buck walks to the couch, picking up the remote and turning the tv off. He then lifts Maddie’s legs to rest across the couch and covers her with a blanket. When he turns back, he’s met with an inscrutable look from Eddie.
He’s been getting those a lot recently. Whether it’s from across the table at the station, or sitting on Eddie’s couch with Chris, or in a bar in Nashville. Every time he sees that look, Buck starts to think that he isn’t the only one that has felt this shift ever since Eddie came back from Texas. He has never been able to find the courage to say something, but the whole mess that was New Mexico, as well as the nightmare of an opioid addiction and withdrawals, has given him a new sense of perspective.
Of course his friendship with Eddie means everything to him, and he would never do anything that could jeopardise it, but he’s starting to realise that maybe, just maybe, it might be worth it. Maybe the chance of stability, and security, and happiness was worth the risk.
Or maybe he’s been through so much shit that he isn’t making sense anymore. Either way, he knows he isn’t making this up.
This is further confirmed when Eddie tucks him into bed, puts the AC on full blast and places a cold washcloth on his forehead. He forces Buck to drink some water, before sitting back in the chair that he had brought into the bedroom nights before and proceeds to tell Buck about all of the calls they had taken that day. Buck explains that he thinks he finally cracked the code on sourdough, and tells Eddie about this new video game that they just have to buy for Chris.
By the time Buck falls asleep that night, and he has laughed so much his belly hurts, Eddie is thinking that maybe this the guy that made it out of New Mexico isn’t the same Buck as before, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
3.
Buck is having a bad day. As he is lying in bed, covers drawn up to his chin, eyes screwed shut to ward out light and every muscle in his body screaming for help, he feels more helpless than he knows what to do with.
Over the past 6 days, it’s been times like these that are the hardest for him, because this is not who he is. He hates feeling helpless because he has spent his entire life looking out for himself. His parents never really bothered with him and Maddie left when he was still a teen so he learned how to take care of himself before he probably should have had to. He bounced from place to place, never really getting close enough to anyone to let himself rely on them, until he got to LA.
That first day, as soon as he sat down to the table in the loft of station 118, he knew that his days of moving alone were over. It may have taken him a while to truly appreciate what he had there, but once he did, there was no going back. Buck learned quickly that this kind of family was something that so many people yearned for, so he was determined not to lose it.
Over the years, he had done many things to keep his little family safe; whether that was risking his life climbing scaffolding while a shooter was on the loose, running headfirst into burning buildings so that his friends wouldn’t have to or fighting for his own life to make it back to them.
Until there came a time that there was nothing that he could do. Until the time that he stood on the other side of that glass door and watched his family burn right before his eyes.
The day that Bobby died, he told Buck that the 118 were going to need him, which feels like a cruel joke these days. They didn’t need him, he needed them. He was the liability. It was days like these that really made Buck question just how well Bobby knew him. He thought Bobby knew him more than anyone else in the world, and somehow he entrusted the Buck with the people of the 118. How was he supposed to be what they needed when he could barely move without agonising pain?
He jolts with a start when his bedroom door opens and groans when the light from the hall causes a flash of pain in his head. The door is quickly closed and he hears footsteps approaching the side of his bed.
“Hey Buck,” says Athena in a rare soft voice. If Buck was in the mood to make jokes, he would probably say something about her going soft on him. “Thought I’d come in and make sure you took your meds.”
He hears her sit down in the chair beside his bed and dares to open his eyes. She has a solemn expression on her face, one that he has grown used to in the past year.
“You know,” Buck starts, his own voice feeling foreign in his throat, “back in my first year on the 118, when me and Hen found Bobby after he relapsed, I was so confused. I know it’s naive, but I just couldn’t believe that a man as strong as him could have a weakness like that.”
Buck can see the confusion on Athena’s face, but continues. “But I think that I’ve finally learned how. He wasn’t a strong man with a weakness in the form of his addiction. He was a man that had become strong in the face of his struggles, and somehow managed to overcome each and every one of them. He even died strong. He died for his family.”
He stares at Athena, waiting for her to comment. When she doesn’t, he keeps going.
“He died for our family, and I was supposed to be there for them. He said it himself, that they were going to need me. But look at me, Athena. I can’t even keep myself afloat. He would be so -”
“You better not say disappointed Buck because you know damn well that Bobby would never be disappointed in someone for struggling. Especially like this.” Buck doesn’t know how to respond to that, he doesn’t know how to make her understand what he knows to be true.
“Do you honestly think that Bobby would be disappointed in you for needing help with something that he himself couldn’t overcome alone? Who knows what could have happened to him if you and Hen hadn’t shown up at his apartment that day. The two of you saved him. He needed you. So let us help you when you need us.”
Buck closes his eyes then, he tells himself it’s because of his headache, but really he just can’t stand the idea of Athena seeing him cry right now.
“Buck, you know how much he loved you. Do you really think he would expect you to do anything, knowing what you went through?”
Buck wants to believe her. He really, really does. And, someday, he will.
But today? Today he’s having a bad day. So instead of forcing himself to confront these feelings, these debilitating thoughts of not being good enough, he goes to sleep, and tells himself that they can wait until he is ready.
4.
For the first time in weeks, Buck’s head didn’t feel like it was about to explode. The whole time that Buck had been using, he had had the worst headache of his life. Or at least, he thought he had. He quickly learned that the worst headache of his life would come from detoxing. But finally, on the 7th day of withdrawal, he woke up with a clear head.
According to google, he should be out of the woods now, but Buck had learned a long time ago that jinxes are no joke.
The 7th day happened to be a Saturday, which meant that he had a special visit from his favourite person in the world; his niece. Maddie had been making him lunch earlier this afternoon when the front door burst open and the personification of sunshine ran into his kitchen and jumped onto his lap.
Maddie and Chimney had been wanting to bring her over for a few days, but Buck refused, not wanting her to see him looking like hell. But when he woke up feeling better today, and he looked slightly better in the mirror, he texted Chimney to bring her over after her soccer game today. Maddie had been delighted when he told her, knowing how badly Buck wanted to see her.
Sure enough, as soon as she wrapped her arms around his neck, he instantly felt a deep sense of comfort that he didn’t get anywhere else. He took her in his arms and stood from the chair, spinning her around and revelling in the giggle it pulled from her. He may not have much energy to spare these days, but he was happy to spend it on her.
Chimney enters the kitchen as she’s setting herself back on Buck’s lap on the chair, Nash settled in his arms. He gives Buck a smile as he sets a bag of groceries on his kitchen island. “Hey Buckaroo, you’re looking good.” Buck flashes him a grateful smile as he listens to Jee recount the epic goal she scored today.
He doesn’t think Chim will ever understand just how much he appreciates what he did last week. Buck doesn’t even want to think about what another captain would have done in his position, but he knows that Chimney didn’t do it because Buck is his brother-in-law. He did it because he knows that Buck was made to do their job, and to take it from him because of this disease wouldn’t be right.
Either way, Buck knows that if anyone else had been sitting there that day, they would have listened and fired him on the spot. And he will never stop being grateful that they weren’t. That it was Chimney, and that he took a chance on Buck instead of keeping his own job safe.
Chimney walks over to Maddie and kisses her on the cheek. “Sorry we’re late, we had to stop at the store because our star athlete wanted orange juice with her lunch.” Maddie laughed and took Nash from his arms. The two of them moved around Buck’s kitchen, preparing lunch and setting it out, before finally sitting down at the table.
Jee-Yun tells the story of her game again, Maddie talks about how she’s finally feeling comfortable in her new job and Buck tells Maddie about May going to nursing school, which she was delighted by. Everything is perfect, until Buck asks “Chim, how’s everything at the station?” and Chimney freezes. He levels Buck with a look, and Buck doesn’t have to think very hard about what it means. Everyone knows that Buck isn’t exactly normal about being out of work, every time he gets injured, he counts down the seconds until he’s able to go back. But this time is different, and Buck isn’t going near the station until he knows that he’s ready, but that doesn’t mean he can’t ask about it.
Buck gives Chimney a subtle nod and a soft smile, which he returns, before recounting the crazy call they had taken that afternoon.
5.
That night, Buck finally felt ready to have Chris over again. He hadn’t seen him since that first day. The day that everyone had gutted his house and they had played cards on the deck. Buck had felt like a child that day, like a teenager whose parents didn’t trust him, until Chris uttered the words would you trust you? and he realised that he needed to get over himself. He had asked his friends to help him, and that’s what they were doing.
After that day, Buck had asked Eddie not to bring him over for a while. Not because he didn’t want to see Chris, but because he didn’t want Chris to see him, not like that, looking so broken. Buck knew that Chris wasn’t a little kid anymore, and he didn’t need to baby him, but he couldn’t help it.
Eddie had been at work when Buck texted him, but he responded immediately, and Mr. I Hate Technology had used emojis, so he knew that Eddie was ecstatic. He hadn’t pushed, but every time he had come over this week, Buck could tell that he really wanted to bring Chris.
As soon as Maddie left that day, promising that Eddie was on the way, Buck ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, something that he had been avoiding for the past week. He never understood the idea of someone not recognising their own reflection until it happened to him. That day at the station, the day after his doctor had refused to prescribe him opioids, he truly didn’t recognise himself.
Today he was looking better than he had in weeks. His fever finally broke the day before, removing the sheen of sweat that had painted his forehead all week. The bags under his eyes are definitely still there, but they aren’t taking over his face anymore and he was slowly but surely getting some colour back. The sight reassures him that he really is ready for this, and he feels a type of hope that he can’t ever remember feeling before.
He finally feels like he can hope that there will be a time when all of this is just a distant memory, that someday his first thought after waking up won’t be all of the mistakes he’s made.
Buck knows that he will always be a drug addict, but he also knows that it doesn’t have to define him. That’s something he had learned first-hand.
Buck quickly showers and dresses in a fire academy hoodie and a pair of gym shorts. He pulls on a pair of socks and makes his way out into the living room, finding Chris sitting on his couch.
Chris looks up at him with a brilliant smile on his face. “Hey Buck!”
Buck swiftly sits next to him on the couch and wraps an arm around his shoulders. “Hey buddy, I’ve missed you. How are you doing?”
Buck knows that Eddie explained the situation to Chris, but he still appreciates it when Chris doesn’t ask him how he’s been. Chris is midway through telling Buck about his week at school when Eddie appears from the kitchen door. He doesn’t interrupt Chris, he simply gives Buck a soft smile and joins them, bringing with him a bowl of microwave popcorn from the kitchen. He sits on the other side of Chris, the three of them a perfect fit on Buck’s tiny couch.
“So, Chris,” Eddie starts, “Buck found this new video game for us to try and I thought that we could have a tournament tonight. Loser has to do the dishes after dinner.”
Eddie picks up a case just then with the cover of the game that Buck had been gushing about on the front. It made him blush internally. He really was doomed when it came to this man.
“Hey I’ve been wanting to try this game for ages, thanks Buck.” Chris beamed in his direction, and if it didn’t just make Buck’s day.
“Yeah, uh, you’re welcome.” Buck was unsure of what to say, seeing as Eddie was the one that had bought it but when Eddie added, “he’s been wanting to get it for you for weeks,” Buck realises what he is doing.
Eddie is making sure Chris knows that Buck is still the same person. He’s still the same man that Chris has known for the majority of his life, the man that was there on every birthday, every christmas, every time he needed someone to turn to, Buck was there. Eddie is making sure that Chris knows that this nightmare isn’t going to change that.
Buck isn’t sure he has ever loved Eddie more than he does in this moment.
+1
Buck was back. After 10 months, countless hours of department mandated therapy, 4 psych evaluations, and the promise of frequent random drug tests, he was back to work. He’d been through this before - coming back after an injury - but never in this way. Usually, he’s fighting to come back as soon as possible, he had even sued the department to get back after one, but this time he knew he couldn’t come back until he knew he was ready. Until he knew that there was the smallest possible chance of him doing something he could regret.
And he finally feels like he has made it to a place where he can be back. For the first time in his career as a firefighter, he actually enjoyed his time off. He perfected his sourdough recipe, he watched all the movies that he’s been wanting to watch for years, he spent time with his family.
He helped May study for her first finals of nursing school, convinced Harry to get back to dating, fundraised for a charity in Bobby’s honour with Athena, taught Hen how to bake, and helped Maddie and Chimney move to their new house.
Best of all, he spent time with his favourite people in the world: Eddie and Chris. Buck had spent more time at Eddie’s house this past year than his own, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Him and Eddie hadn’t fully defined what was going on with them yet, but they would. As soon as they were ready.
If Buck had learned one thing from this ordeal, it was that it was okay to take his time. Whether that was taking time to heal, or grieve, or learn to love. It was okay to take things slow, and to lean on the people around you. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you stronger than you ever could have been otherwise.
And now, as he stands in front of the first place he ever felt truly at home, he knows that asking his family for help could never make him weak, because they are the people who make him strong.