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Dottore’s sharp heels clicked against the cold laboratory floor. He took a seat at his desk, paperwork and vials filled with unknown, glowing substances sprawled across it. He had been planning to test his brand-new Mass Reduction Formula 3000, designed to make the person injected lose 10 kg overnight. Ridiculous, needless to say, but those Fatui skirmishers had been getting big, and Her Majesty had been worried. She shouldn’t have allowed them to go on TikTok.. otherwise, they wouldn’t have found those greedy, beyond-gluttonous recipes like the Inazuman Philadelphia cheesecake, spread with Biscoff cookies and topped with strawberry pie filling…
One of his assistants brought in a cage of hamsters to test the side effects. The drug was almost perfect… it just needed to go through some control to make sure nobody exploded upon injection. He drew the medication and tapped the syringe, getting rid of any unnecessary air bubbles, then picked up a hamster. He wanted to see the side effects up close. He injected it with precision. It squirmed in his hand, but it was futile. He observed the hamster with a keen eye.
10 minutes.
20 minutes.
30 minutes.
He wrote down the side effects on his notepad, just mild drowsiness and thirst. It seemed like the drug was ready to go.
The next morning, tons of fat Fatuus gathered at Dottore’s lab, eager to be treated. They formed a line, and his underlings got to work, injecting them one by one. It would take more than a few days to get them all to a healthy weight, since the drug only reduced their weight by 10 kg every night. They were going to keep coming for the next few days. Dottore groaned at the thought… seriously, those phones had to go. Didn’t the Tsaritsa have a more… prideful task he could’ve done? This was humiliating.
After a couple of days, they were finally starting to reach a healthy weight. However, they couldn’t fight on the frontlines just yet because of the side effects, so the Fatui were much weaker at the moment without their Cryo and Hydro soldiers.
Then suddenly, everybody heard a deafening thud. It was as if the world itself had started shaking. The owner of the thunderous footsteps loomed over all the Fatui soldiers, its squeaks sounding like war cries.
It was a supersized hamster.
The ones who could still fight immediately tried to fend it off with their weapons, but they were mere ants to the giant monster. The provocation caused it to storm into the crowd of Fatui soldiers, crushing them instantly.
Dottore did not hear the commotion. He had been hyper-focused on one of his other experiments in his soundproof secret lab, hidden within the experimental design bureau. One of his messengers stormed into the lab, her voice laced with sheer panic.
“My Lord!” she yelled frantically. “One of your hamsters has turned supersized and is murdering our soldiers!”
What?
Dottore immediately threw on his winter coat and rushed to the front lines. It wasn’t some sick joke, the hamster was terrorizing the soldiers. And with the Cryo and Hydro units still recovering from the drug, they weren’t able to stall it by freezing it.
Dottore’s eyebrows furrowed. Something in that drug had triggered an expansion effect in the hamster… but how? That was a question he didn’t have time to ponder. He had to stop this before the giant crushed more Fatui soldiers.
He hurriedly summoned one of his massive syringes, glowing with a blue liquid, and aimed it at the hamster. With a single strike, it shrieked so loud it could probably be heard all the way from Mondstadt. And just like that, the giant hamster shrank back to its original size and ran off.
It was a shame, really. Dottore had wanted to find out why, when injected with an Ozempic drug, it had grown huge instead. But as he stood there thinking, countless Fatui soldiers suddenly began screaming. Dottore’s eyes immediately narrowed at what they were pointing at…
And would you look at that.. every injected Fatui soldier had suffered the same fate as the hamster and had turned supersized. However, they were no threat, just extremely frightened and confused.
Dottore sighed… but then a smirk crept onto his lips.
Well… he had plenty of test subjects now to figure out why the drug had failed.
Maybe those soldiers should’ve just dieted instead.
Now, they would suffer the consequences of awakening the Doctor’s attention and curiosity.