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Contradictions.
Hayato Suo is chock-full of them, and always has been since day one. If anyone at all were to take explicit notice of these inconsistencies, it was Nirei – and for someone as overbearingly curious as he was, it usually took considerable effort for him not to pry. In Suo's case, however, it was humiliatingly easy for Nirei to fall into contentment with the facade placed before him, as long as it kept Suo comfortably by his and Sakura's side. He never felt the need to ask for more, as long as he didn't have to settle for less.
Or worse, nothing at all.
It is sudden, in the singular moment they both gear up to fight, that these contradictions sporadically flash before Nirei's eyes. The sensation feels like a crash course of his life before death, everything falling apart in the split second before either of them can draw first blood.
"I'm leaving Furin," Suo had dropped this grenade of a statement with such a casual, practiced smile, as if he were merely making small talk about the weather and not actively breaking Nirei's heart. Suo's smile, the one Nirei had so blindly thought of as nothing but beautiful, even admirable, up until this very moment, could no longer be considered in such a way. Nirei finds himself afraid that he's come to loathe it now, no longer turning a blind eye to the clear charade.
If this wasn't all a sick joke, born from Suo's rather unfortunate sense of humor, then this, this was the first contradictory statement to fully stab into Nirei's heart. He could feel it twisting in, deep, splattering pitifully from the inside and gushing out through the guttural emotions painted on his face. Their promise, and all the time they spent together, hands brushing as they walked side-by-side, laughter filling already pleasant evenings with even greater warmth – If it is just as Suo says, was it all truly so meaningless?
No. Nirei refuses to believe it, even when the miserable punch he throws inevitably misses contact with any part of Suo. He refuses to even entertain the possibility, despite it setting into his bones as fact, weakening him.
In the haze of these sporadic flashes, Nirei hears distantly, "I just wanted to see you one last time. To say goodbye," and along with it, feels his chest constricting all over again. The ache grows painful and unbearable to the splintering point where it hurts him to even breathe, and in the midst of that, the worst contradiction of all is born.
"We aren't anything."
Silence. The cold air of the clouded night swoops over them and hits Nirei like a truck.
Up until this point, the softest shine of moonlight in Suo's eye had kept Nirei entranced enough to hold him back from immediately breaking. If the situation were salvageable with words, Nirei was sure he'd run his mouth dry until his throat was sore with the effort of it. Until Suo would take it all back, cradle his hands in his again, and tell him that he'd stay.
This trance was broken instantly by those three words, endlessly repeating in his head, brutal and unapologetic. All Nirei can see in his field of view now is the stinging color of red, clouding his peripheral vision and haloing around Suo, the object of his strongest feelings. The very same feelings that were now decimated and trampled on, broken and bubbling over in his chest like molten lava.
So, he decided to pick a fight. If words were not enough for Suo, Nirei would take everything he so diligently learned from him and use it against him, until he stopped acting so foolishly – until he was sorry. Whether or not this method was at all practical, he could not find it in himself to care. Deep down, he felt almost sure this was a fight he would not win.
Even so, he felt deadset on it, like every little moment that led up to this encounter had been an inevitable build-up to the here and now he currently found himself in. If Suo wholeheartedly believed that they were nothing at all – if he believed that all the precious time they spent together was nothing but worthless, while it remained sacred and cherished in every beat of Nirei's heart - then he wants to feel it. The proof, against his skin, that Suo does not care for him, or Sakura, or Furin, in the slightest.
He wants blood in his mouth, dripping down his burning throat like crimson rain, and trickling off from Suo's heel. He wants to be kicked to the ground, flickering between a haze of consciousness and unconsciousness, while Suo stands before him as his last heavenly sight before departure.
Nirei is ready for this outcome; he is prepared, longing, and furious.
Just as Suo was nothing if not contradictory, though, he was certainly far from being predictable.
Nirei notices it when he charges forward. His fist is raised, shaking and uneasy, not at all refined to Suo's teachings. He is sure that Suo could dodge such a pathetic attempt at assault in an instant, so when his trembling knuckles are about to make harsh contact with Suo's face, and he meets no resistance – all the rage suddenly shatters. His fist falls and thuds helplessly against Suo's chest, while Suo's hands remain poised and elegant behind his back.
"What the hell...," Nirei mumbles almost manically through hot tears, "Why the hell aren't you fighting back?!"
Suo's eye is dead. That shine of moonlight that Nirei was so enchanted by before is no longer there, and if it were, he isn't so sure he'd even be able to see it through the blur of his tears. Nirei can only just make out the hint of a smile, crawling back onto Suo's face, one that is sickeningly unnatural and has bile rising in Nirei's throat.
"You're not putting up much of a fight to begin with," Suo hums in a tone that makes it obvious he is looking down on Nirei, underestimating him – or perhaps, estimating him just right. Suo grabs Nirei's shaking hand that lies still on his chest. His grip is surprisingly gentle.
"Show me," the smile slides right back off of Suo's face again the moment he blinks. His inconsistent displays of emotion are driving Nirei slowly insane.
"Show me you're worth fighting."
The words are cold, unfeeling, and sound far too unlike the Suo that Nirei has come to know. It nearly makes him want to drop to his knees and let the mental anguish he feels overtake him, despite knowing that he must see this through until the very end. If he lets Suo slip through the cracks of his fingers now, if he goes back to Sakura and the others empty-handed after coming this far, he's unsure if he'll ever be able to forgive himself.
Suo's grip might be gentle, but it is not warm. Nirei thinks he may seriously be sick, nausea overpowering all of his senses.
"You would do anything to know, yes? Well, that's what I thought," Suo repeats his words from before with a venomous lilt, "So, don't show me something so pathetic, Nirei-kun."
Pathetic. Suo strikes him right where it hurts. And that's what Nirei is, he's sure, and always will be, conditioned into believing this sentiment for so long that it couldn't possibly be anything but true. If he has at all come to unlearn it with the help of Sakura's kindness, then Suo's harsh words have just immediately shoveled all the filth right back in, undoing the hard work. If Suo says he is pathetic, he really must be – but silently, Nirei believes Suo is pathetic right back, if only now that he is acting so cowardly. He's never hesitated to lay a blow on Nirei during their trainings together, but now that it's the real deal, he remains passive?
That, Nirei thinks, is pathetic. He doesn't say so, though, and when Suo drops his fist, he quirks a brow as if to say, 'I don't have all night. Hurry up and show me you're worth something.'
Nirei can only laugh.
Suo's expression does not budge, remaining reserved and dull now that his mask has let slip. Nirei lets the laughter pour out from his aching lungs, until they falter and wrack into broken sobs, his fist falling right down back to his side.
"I- I can't," Nirei gulps in cold air, and he's sure he looks crazy, eyes wide and distressed with the lack of sleep accumulated over the past few days. Suo had personally bestowed these sleepless nights upon him, and he still had the audacity to pull such bullshit.
"Exactly what I thought. I'll be taking my leave, then-"
Nirei grits his teeth, reaching out and grabbing Suo's wrist in a trembling, bruising grip. He tugs Suo backward before he can fully turn, until he is stumbling from the motion, although Nirei knows for a fact that his reflexes would have allowed him to avoid this scenario altogether if he so wished. He's sure Suo is still looking down on him, sure Nirei will not be able to make him stay in such a sorry state.
He is probably, definitely right. Nirei could not care less, though, not when he's about to lose a vital chunk of his heart, and not when his world is so suddenly crumbling beneath his feet, unforgiving and nonsensical. Suo really is slipping through his fingers, fading into nothing but a bitter memory with each hurtful word that slips from past his lips.
"What?" Suo questions, his hardened gaze no longer causing Nirei to feel much of anything. There is only a muted throb resounding throughout him now, blooming ever so slightly when he feels Suo's pulse quicken beneath his fingertips. Another contradiction.
Nirei forces a smile through squinted, puffy eyes. It isn't kind, and it isn't real, but it sticks. He's learned from the best, after all.
"I said I can't- won't hurt you. Not like this, anyway," he chokes out through staggered breaths, "But I can't let you go, either. I've always had more practice with defense, haven't I?"
Suo is the one to laugh this time. It sounds like nails on a chalkboard, in sharp contrast to how ethereal Nirei usually believes he sounds.
"Oh? Is this your attempt at 'defense'? Holding my hand?" The laughter ceases, and Suo's voice drops lower than before. "Can you recall who your teacher has been all this time, Nirei-kun? Did I honestly do such a poor job?"
The onslaught of mocking questions sting. Nirei forces himself to push past it.
"Not what I meant," he shakes his head and tightens his grip, tugging Suo closer. Suo still, even now, meets the action with little resistance.
"You said," Nirei continues on, voice slowly steadying to get his point across, "That we're nothing. So, I'm wondering if- If you're really that stupid."
"Pardon me?"
"If we're truly nothing, Suo-san... then, that's only to you. Your feelings are one-sided."
He doesn't give Suo a chance to recover or say anything in return before he lets the scorching lava inside of him spill over entirely, lashing out in a way he never once figured he could be capable of. Nobody has ever made him feel so strongly, in such a way that makes him believe a knife to the gut would be kinder. In some ways, it's freeing.
"You're everything to me, Suo-san. To Sakura-san, to Furin, to everyone- Do you know just how much we'd all fight to keep you by our side?! Do you understand how cowardly, how hypocritical you're being, to walk away, like-"
Nirei pauses grudgingly to catch his breath, gulping for air.
"-Like none of this was real in the first place, when I know it was. Do you know just how much we all love you?!"
"Nirei-," Suo attempts to speak up again, but there is no trace of reciprocal warmth in it, and Nirei can already tell whatever Suo has to say is nothing that he'll want to hear.
Nirei digs his thumb into the pulse point of Suo's wrist, focusing on the unsteady, rapid rhythm to keep himself grounded. The words start to spill out from him, honest and just as unforgiving as Suo's, before he can really take the time to think about whether or not they are such a good idea.
"If you say we're nothing," Nirei breathes out slowly, "And I say I love you – What then?"
Only now that he's dropped this ticking time bomb does he give Suo the room to speak, a severe desperation building as he anticipates the response. If Nirei looks closely enough, he might be able to see the shine of moonlight briefly capturing in Suo's eye once more, fleeting and akin to a shooting star.
A miracle, or a trick of the eye.
The space between them is temporarily filled with loud silence, carrying all of their unspoken words and feelings that are strong enough to kill. Nirei is still gripping Suo's wrist, so viscerally that he's almost sure there is no way it doesn't leave a mark of some sort.
He sincerely hopes it does. He means those three words, whether Suo takes them at the face value of the love that everyone at Furin holds for him, or whether he sees deeper, as he usually does, and reads between the lines.
That not only does Akihiko Nirei love Hayato Suo, but he is in love with him. Painfully so.
It is what makes the prospect of such a half-assed 'goodbye' all the more frustrating, and it is what makes Suo's words of venom twist even deeper than initially intended. Nirei locks eye contact with him, willing him to understand through this simple touch alone – maybe, a part of him naively hopes that Suo will feel bad, and the guilt will sway him enough to stay. Or, maybe he just wants Suo to know, so that when he does leave, the guilt will follow him forever after.
He is aching to get even, and doomed to fall short.
Instead of shaking Nirei off wordlessly, or landing the first blow of a real fight, Suo does something surprisingly consistent – in that it is wholly unexpected.
He raises Nirei's hand that grips his quite fluidly, taking it into his other, cradling it like something treasured, and only for him. His eye is locked on Nirei's just as Nirei's are locked on his, and his gaze softens just a trace, almost entirely unnoticeable if Nirei did not have every detail of Suo mapped out both on paper and in mind.
Suo no longer smiles, and yet, he no longer feels cold, either. He just feels far away, as his lips touch down on the back of Nirei's hand, grazing his knuckles in a soft kiss of reverence.
"Goodbye, Nirei-kun," Suo whispers this farewell against his skin, just loud enough for him to hear it properly, then drops his grip as if discarding a piece of trash. Suo turns on his heel, the autumn wind blowing until colored leaves are shifting all around them once more in a shameful whirlwind.
Suo disappears from his line of sight as quickly as he had appeared not so long ago, while Nirei stays grounded in place. How could he possibly reach out after that, with his dignity no longer intact, and with the kiss burning into his skin as if it, too, would leave a permanent mark? He cannot, and he wonders in his despair if this is how such strong love usually feels, agonizingly difficult and fated to be lost.
It is pathetic that his feet won't move, even after insisting he would not let Suo out of his grasp. It is pathetic how Suo has vanished from his field of view, yet he can still see him, wavering cruelly in front of him as a hallucination created from all of his most shrouded emotions.
Hayato Suo is contradictory, and Akihiko Nirei is, without a doubt, pathetic.