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Zane was failing at the one thing he should automatically be good at; being human.
‘So, I called out ‘Sharon,’ right, cus that was the name on the docket, and this dude walks up, says he’s getting the drink for his wife, and takes it,’ Jay paused from his place on the floor to take a deep breath, ‘then, he comes back up, says, there should be two drinks, and this isn’t what they ordered. It wasn’t his fucking drink, his wife’s name was Sharon, they weren’t even taking away. AND HE’D ALREADY TAKEN A SIP OF THE DRINK.’
Patting him on the shoulder, Cole said, ‘I swear people forget how to behave as soon as they walk into a shop.’
Kai strode into the kitchen singing at the top of his lungs, ‘ALL I WANTED WAS LOVE THAT LASTS.’ he stopped, noticing Jay, ‘Oh, what happened?’
Zane, standing at the grill, tuned them out, tapping his hands on the side of his jeans. Usually, he was fine working in the busy, overwhelming kitchen (which was weird considering how often he avoided overwhelming situations,) but today he felt even more off than normal. He didn’t have the energy to act as much as he typically did, which, admittedly, was his own fault. He had lost track of time the night before, as he researched, watched, and basically just consumed as much content as possible of a cartoon show made for 7-year-olds.
It had been all he’d thought about at work, which meant that Cole had noticed his productivity dropping and asked if he was okay. Zane had panicked, because he knew if he said the actual reason he wasn’t smiling or talking as much as normal, he’d then have to explain how he acted all the time, and the staying up late at night, and whenever he tried to explain things, he just confused the other person. In the end, Zane had just lied and said he hadn’t slept well.
He also knew he had fucked up in another way. He’d gone out to the coffee machine to ask Kai something, where he and Jay had been singing as loud as they could, Jay asked Zane if he would like to join them and Zane said ‘no’ straight-faced and deadpan, because he didn’t have the energy to decipher what Jay meant, or to smile, and laugh it off. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say, because Kai burst into laughter, clutching Jay’s shoulder. Zane went back to the kitchen without talking to Kai. Here he was, an hour later, still thinking about that interaction. He didn’t understand what was funny about what he had said.
Zane blinked, he had zoned out again, thinking about the tv show, and now it was only him and Cole in the kitchen.
‘Are you sure you’re alright, buddy?’ Cole pressed again, looking up from the lettuce he was slicing.
Zane nodded, ‘Of course.’
Cole stared at him for a moment, Zane shifted uncomfortably. Cole made him uneasy. He wasn’t sure why. But it had something to do with the way his heart pounded uncomfortably fast whenever the chubby man would wink at him or speak directly to Zane when they were in a group.
Cole shrugged and went back to his lettuce.
Zane swallowed, his nerves were terrible today. He wanted a coffee, but he knew if he drunk one it would make everything ten times worse, so he turned back to the grill and worked away silently.
‘Zaneeee.’
‘Zane.’
‘ZANE.’
Zane jumped, Kai was watching him, slightly annoyed. ‘Bro, I said your name like, five times.’
‘Uh, sorry,’ Zane mumbled, sheepishly, wiping his hands on his apron. His mind had drifted back to the show.
Kai sighed, ‘don’t stress, Wu said you can go as soon as you finish this list.’ he held up a piece of paper, with a list of at least ten things on it. ‘Sorry, dude. Boss’s orders.’ Kai handed Zane the paper, patting him on the arm.
Zane scanned the paper quickly. These were all easy jobs, prep toasties, clean the toilets, order the meats and veggies. He got to work.
Zane was done in less than two hours. He walked up to Kai who was standing chatting to Lloyd, who had come into the coffee shop even when he wasn’t rostered on. Zane couldn’t comprehend how Lloyd had enough energy to socialise the way he did on his one day off.
‘Zane! We were just talking about you.’ Lloyd cried, a grin breaking out on his face.
Zane wished he could be as carefree as Lloyd, whose only struggle seemed to be with his psyco ex-girlfriend. ‘Oh, uh, why?’
‘We were talking about how funny it is that you only have one facial expression.’ Kai said, glancing over his shoulder as he steamed milk.
Zane smiled, awkwardly, as panic flared inside him. He worked so hard to make sure he was using the right expressions to go with anything, what did they mean he only had one look?
‘OH MY GOSHHH,’ Lloyd laughed, ‘You just did it again.’
‘I didn’t know that I did that.’ Zane said, trying no to pull the same face.
Kai called out a customer’s name and looked at Zane, ‘Dude, it’s so funny. I could say anything and you’d make the same face.’
Zane took a deep breath, he felt super itchy. ‘Oookay, then. Um, I’ve finished that list you gave me.’
Kai goggled at him, ‘Bro, you are a full-on machine.’ Lloyd, now hanging over the back of a chair, nodded.
‘Oh, haha.’ Zane was almost fully panicking now.
‘He’s like, totally ai.’
Zane glanced between the two boys, who were now staring at him curiously. ‘Yeah, that’s me. Um, totally ai.’
There was a pause, Kai and Lloyd glancing at each other. Zane cracked his knuckles nervously. ‘So, I’m gonna head home now, if you don’t need me for anything else.’
‘Super cool, I’ll see you tomorrow then?’
‘Mhm, for sure.’
TWO WEEKS LATER
Zane stood over the sink, tuning Jay and Kai’s bickering out, while he scrubbed away at the dishes that had accumulated over the course of the day. He quite enjoyed this mindless task, especially after a busy day. He was exhausted, and that scared him. Zane was always tired, but every few months he would become exhausted, and incredibly burnt out. During that time, all his energy (the stuff that was left) was spent just trying to make it through the day. He often began to slack on things like personal hygiene because he was so exhausted he couldn’t muster the strength to shower. He hated it.
‘I can never tell when Zane’s mad at me, actually,’ Jay’s higher pitch broke through Zane’s thoughts.
He turned around, frowning at the freckly redhead, ‘Jay, I’ve told you, I’m never mad at you.’
Jay waved him away, ‘But you seem mad. Especially because you are so monotone. I’m always scared I’ve upset you somehow.’ Kai nodded enthusiastically next to Jay.
‘I promi-’
‘He’s always so…. meh,’ Kai spoke over Zane, turning back to the cakes he was slicing, ‘He doesn’t even get flustered.’
‘For real, it freaks me out, he’s so insanely calm all the time.’ Jay looked at Zane, shaking his head.
‘And quiet,’ Kai added, waving his knife around dangerously. Zane wanted to scream, he was so sick of being spoken over and then being told to talk more. He clenched his fists, blinking fast.
‘Bro, yes,’ Jay said, ‘I also can’t read his emotions like I can with everyone else’s.’
Kai laughed, ‘That’s because he doesn’t have any emotions! I’ve told you, the guy’s a machine.’
Zane smiled, stiffly, and turned back to the sink, done with the guys talking about him like he wasn’t there. He did have emotions. Just slightly different to everyone else’s. He sighed, everything about him seemed ‘slightly different’ to everyone.
THE NEXT DAY
‘I always think she hates me for some reason.’ Jay mumbled, concentrating on slicing his tomato’s perfectly. Cole had told him off yesterday about how thick he sliced them.
Camille folded her arms, leaning against the bench, ‘I think that’s just how she is. Very stiff, and just socially awkward.’
Zane swallowed, his coworkers seemed to talk about ‘socially awkward’ people a lot. He wondered if they talked about him like that. They did talk about him like that. He tried ignoring Camille and Jay, but Jay opened his mouth again.
‘She is, and she’s super monotone and bland? I guess.’
Zane felt his heart sink, this conversation was almost the exact same one Kai and Jay had had about him yesterday.
Camille nodded, ‘Exactly, I swear to god, she’s autistic or something.’
Jay spun around, ‘RIGHT!? She 100% is.’
Zane couldn’t take it, he walked into the cool room and shut the door, tugging at the back of his hair. Autistic. The word everyone used to describe anyone who didn’t fit in properly. The word his dad had called him once, planting a tiny seed of suspicion in his mind. And here were his coworkers, talking about someone who seemed eerily like him, and calling them autistic, like it was a bad thing. Zane felt sick
Zane collapsed into his bed as soon as he arrived home. He was fully wreaked. Pulling his headphones on, he opened Netflix on his laptop and clicked on his favourite show.
Finishing an episode, Zane glanced at the time. It was 8pm. He had lost four hours without noticing. He’s stomach growled. He hadn’t eaten since his lunch break at 12. He also hadn’t showered yet.
Zane began to cry. It was ridiculous, he knew that. But he couldn’t help it, there was so much he had to do, and he had had such an awful day, but he hadn’t processed any of it yet. It was all catching up to him at once. He had been lying on the floor of his bedroom, tears streaming out of his eyes, for at least an hour, when he thought about what Camille had said, and a head canon some fans had about one of his favourite characters. About multiple of his favourite characters.
Zane sat straight up. Pulling his laptop towards him, he typed in a few words. Clicking on a website he began to read.
‘Autism can present itself in many different ways, and many people, especially girls, and women, go through life without ever knowing, or understanding why they struggle so often with basic things.’
‘High masking individuals are less likely to be diagnosed when they are younger, often evading diagnosis until their late teens, or even older.’
‘Autism is a disability, and people need to start treating it as such. It is currently highly popular on Tiktok, with people ‘self-diagnosing’ themselves and watering down neurodivergent terms.’
‘People say they have ‘a touch of the ‘tism,’ or ‘everyone is a little autistic,’ while actively shunning their classmates, family members, or colleagues who act slightly different to them.’
Zane scanned through hundreds of articles, clicked through quizzes, and read peer-reviewed studies, consuming as much information as he possibly could. Words like ‘high masking,’ ‘burn out,’ ‘hyper fixation,’ ‘melt down,’ rocketed around his brain, memories pulling themselves deep from his consciousness. Getting in trouble as a child because he didn’t say thank you for a gift he hated, refusing to wear long sleeve shirts, having obsessive interests, being called ‘boring,’ ‘bossy,’ ‘weird.’
Zane sat back, rubbing his eyes. Reading the firsthand experiences of teenagers like him, he had never felt more seen before. He glanced at the time, 2 AM. Zane blinked, he had managed to lose more of his night, and he was still in his work clothes. His stomach growled, Zane froze, he had to go to work in six hours. He scrambled up, ran to the kitchen made himself something to eat, panicking. He scarfed down the food as fast as humanly possible and dove into bed.
Everyone seemed to hate washing the cutlery, Zane enjoyed it. It was mind-numbing but in a way he had to pay attention to. He pulled the tray out of the dishwasher, and grabbed a handful of teaspoons to take out the front.
‘Zane! My man!’ Kai cried out, Zane sighed inwardly. Kai and Jay were dancing with each other in front of the coffee machine. Zane smiled awkwardly at Kai who was sashaying his way over, ‘Come on, bro, lighten up!’
‘Yeah, don’t take everything so serious!’ Jay cried, then they looked at each other and laughed.
Zane walked back into the kitchen, trying not to panic.
They were right, why couldn’t he just lighten up?
Why couldn’t he just take a joke?
Or dance around like they could?
Why was he so fundamentally wrong?