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It's nothing, really. It's not a big deal, it never was. Not even during their time in university. Solar is secure in himself and their relationship, or at least he was before.
Pobmek wasn't too friendly, always sporting a serious expression on his face. Even his groupmates found it hard to approach him, so most of the time, Pobmek would end up doing group projects alone. Despite the unwelcoming appearance, both women and men tended to gravitate towards Pobmek, charmed by how mysterious and secretive he was. When Pobmek used to turn them down, eyes hidden behind his glasses, they were enamored even more, despite Pobmek's unapologetic bluntness.
Solar never understood the concept of jealousy. Trust and jealousy aren't meant to cohabitate. The trust he has in Pobmek doesn't allow room for any negative feelings.
But it might change. No, it has already changed, and Solar notices it just now. Switching back and forth with Sun took all his attention away from other just as important matters. As of late, being overwhelmed and fatigued is his day-to-day reality.
Of course, Solar spends most of his time (aside from work) with Pobmek. But Pobmek has him as Solar, and not Sun, every other day. He doesn't say it out loud, but Solar can see it in the way Pobmek's eyes have lost the joy he used to have; how he holds Solar in his embrace just a tad bit longer than usual; and how there is a lingering sadness around him.
Their relationship is still strong - there's no doubt about that - but its initial spark has dimmed. Or maybe it's all just in Solar's head. The stagnancy in the process of getting his life back has finally gotten to Solar.
When Solar's class comes to an end and his students have 10 minutes of free time to themselves before another one starts, he overhears a peculiar conversation. At first, he smiles, glad that the most opinionated girls of his class seem to get along. But then Solar's brows knit together at the mention of Pobmek's name.
What possibly could they talk about? he thinks, his head tilting in curiosity.
Opening a random book he snatched from a bookshelf, Solar pretends to read it. The book is upside down, so he hurriedly flips it back.
"Have you seen how Teacher Pobmek and Teacher Jee spend more time together now?" One of the girls, Elsa, says, clapping her hands.
"Yes-yes!" Another one adds, jumping out of her seat.
The third one sighs dreamily, eyes shining.
"Teacher Pobmek never smiled at him before, but now he does! I've seen it when they were passing by our classroom. They're totally enemies to lovers!"
"But Elsa," chimes in a boy, who, just like Solar, has been eavesdropping the whole time, "isn't Teacher Pobmek dating Teacher Solar?"
Elsa huffs, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes. Meanwhile, Solar holds his breath, waiting for the answer.
"Come on, King! Haven't you noticed? Teacher Solar only cares about English and us. I bet Teacher Jee will win Teacher Pobmek over."
A geography teacher enters the classroom, and the little gossipers and part-time shippers squatter away to their desks, snickering.
Solar leaves the room as quickly as possible, his mind working hard not to fall into a pit of overthinking.
He can't help it, though.
Despite having a positive mindset (or trying to have one), Solar, like any ordinary human being, tends to succumb to negative thoughts. It rarely happens, but when it does, Solar struggles with snapping out of that state.
In need of some fresh air, Solar goes outside to the playground. Everyone is inside, enduring classes, so Solar enjoys the peace and quiet. He can't say the same about his inner voice, which loudly provides one vivid vision after another.
How bad it must have been if even the kids noticed the shift in his and Pobmek's dynamic? How many times has he neglected Pobmek and forgotten about their relationship? The uncomfortable questions shoot Solar in the heart, weighing heavily on his conscience.
Solar sits on a swing, his feet kicking the gravel beneath. He feels like these pebbles - small and insignificant. His rational side bangs on the walls, but it's too quiet to overpower his rising insecurities. Solar is reluctant to call what he feels jealousy, but it is exactly what it is.
Clearly, Pobmek is tired. He's dealing with Sun on top of teaching, which he openly dislikes. Babysitting Sun wasn't in the list of boyfriend duties. And now the seven-year-old troublemaker is terrorizing the poor guy. All while Solar is utterly useless.
After Pobmek's last class, they walk home. They're both exhausted, looking like they haven't slept in a while, which is unfortunately true. Solar talks about everything except what's on his mind. It doesn't get better seeing how attentively Pobmek listens and responds to him with the same vigor. And that smile, that damn smile.
"Do you want some chocolate milk?" Pobmek offers, fetching cartons of the said drink out of his backpack.
He opens one, puts a straw in it, and hands it to Solar.
"Since when do you drink this?" Solar sips a little; it's still cold.
Drinking his own, Pobmek hums, pleased with the flavor.
"I used to love it when I was a kid. I was obsessed to the point of getting really bad cavities, so my mom stopped buying it for me. I wasn't allowed to drink it anymore." Pobmek frowns, but then a smile lights up his face. "Apparently, Jee remembers, so he gave it to me today."
Solar almost trips, only saved by Pobmek's strong grip on his waist. His chocolate milk drops onto the asphalt and drips out from the straw. If Solar hadn't been distracted, he would've picked it up and wouldn't have wasted it. But his ears ring with Jee's name, or with the way Pobmek said it - excitedly, affectionately. Shouldn't Solar feel happy that Jee and Pobmek get along now? But why does it sting - knowing that Jee knows something about his boyfriend that Solar doesn't?
"Are you ok?"
Pobmek cups his cheek, rubbing it with his thumb. He doesn't bat an eye at the spilled drink, his attention solely on his boyfriend. Solar picks the carton up and stuffs it in his pocket, not caring about getting it dirty. It makes Pobmek raise an eyebrow.
"Yeah, I'm ok," replies Solar.
Pobmek doesn't seem very convinced, but he doesn't press further. Solar lets out a heavy sigh.
"Wanna share mine?" Pobmek slightly shakes the chocolate milk in his direction.
"I'm good, you can finish it."
The rest of the walk is silent, the only thing to hear is car honks and engines running.
It's midnight, and Solar can't fall asleep. He lies on his back, then on his left and right sides. He even tries on his stomach, which he dislikes.
Nothing works.
If Solar doesn't get a good night's sleep, Sun would wake up grumpy and act up, which in turn will add another problem to the list. Then Pobmek would be annoyed again, and Jee would be there to comfort him with chocolate milk and whatnot. Solar bites the inside of his cheek.
"What's on your mind, Solar?" Pobmek's sleepy voice startles Solar, making him jolt.
Solar can't find the right words, so he keeps staring at the ceiling. He's too embarrassed to share his concerns. Not when Pobmek has a lot on his plate already.
Solar's breath hitches when Pobmek's fingers intertwine with his. His hand is warm against Solar's cold one.
"You know what impresses me about you the most?" asks Pobmek, he too, looking up at the ceiling, which is filled with glow-in-the-dark stars.
"What?" whispers Solar.
"You always care. No matter what. About a stray cat that runs away as soon as you approach to feed it. About a student whose parents don't help with homework. About Sodchuen, when she gets strangely quiet. You care about everyone, and me, even if I don't notice it sometimes. But you leave out one person - the one who needs you the most."
"Who?"
"Yourself."
Solar gulps, trying to keep the emotions at bay. Crying is the last thing he wants to do right now.
"Could you tell me what you're thinking of?" Pobmek's tone is tender, almost pleading. He continues to hold Solar's hand, but the grip is not firm. Solar can easily pull it away. "I want to help, please."
At last, Solar turns to Pobmek, eyes a little glassy. His boyfriend gives him a reassuring smile. Pobmek's whole expression wordlessly conveys his will to wait as much as Solar needs, even eternity.
"It's stupid. I'm stupid."
"You're not. You're the smartest person I know."
Solar huffs, the corners of his lips rising. That's the magic his boyfriend possesses - too genuine and earnest for his own good, despite not acknowledging it himself.
"The kids… they think you and Jee are, er, in a romantic relationship," Solar spits out.
Now that it's said out loud, it sounds even dumber.
It's dim in the room, but Solar still can see how Pobmek makes a horrified face. In another circumstance, Solar would've burst out in laughter. Not today, though.
"Their imagination is out of this world." Pobmek shakes his head.
Solar hums in agreement.
"It's not the full story, is it?"
"It's not." Solar braces himself. "I haven't been a good boyfriend to you lately."
Pobmek opens his mouth, ready to deny, but Solar presses his index finger to Pobmek's lips. "Let me finish."
Pobmek nods.
"I haven't been paying attention to our relationship… to you. I've got wrapped up in this 'Sun' issue so much that I lost focus of the most important thing - us. And I overheard my students talking about you and Jee, that's when I realized how distant I've become, all while you've been carrying all the burden. Then I had the gall to get jealous over nothing. You're finally becoming friends with Jee, and instead of being excited for you, I go and tarnish it with my jealousy… I'm sorry."
Solar can't keep his eyes open: too ashamed to do so. He waits for Pobmek to say something, anything. Yet silence is the only thing that reaches his ears.
He's about to call it a night and roll over, when Pobmek pulls him closer, body to body. Solar's face is buried in his chest, and he inhales the scent he missed so much.
When was the last time they snuggled like this? When was the last time they fell asleep in each other's arms, skin burning with the proximity? Solar's mind can't recall anything, too tired, but pleased with the embrace.
Pobmek wraps a hand around his waist, he pushes the other one under Solar's head. Solar shuffles closer, their bodies now fully flush against one another.
"Solar," eventually speaks up Pobmek, "you have nothing to apologize for. And what's with that burden you mentioned about? You're not a burden, you've never been. Never will be." A gentle squeeze. "Sure, the situation we're in is a unique one, sure, it gets overwhelming sometimes, but it's nothing we can't overcome. We're going to solve it. If not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then any other day. Please know that I'm here for you, for our relationship, and for Sun, too. You're you, and that's who I love."
Solar sniffles. If Pobmek notices his T-shirt getting wet, he doesn't comment on it. On the contrary, Pobmek keeps holding him tightly, gently rubbing his back. It's soothing.
Solar takes a deep inhale and lifts his head up, his and Pobmek's eyes finally meeting.
"Hi," whispers Pobmek, a soft smile playing on his face.
Solar's face is red and all puffy from pressing his face too hard into Pobmek's chest, but he doesn't care how wrecked he looks right now.
"Thank you."
Pobmek plants a gentle kiss on his forehead.
When they're about to fall asleep, still wrapped around each other, Pobmek calls Solar's name with amusement in the way he says it.
"Actually, I kind of like it."
"What do you like?" Solar asks sleepily.
"You getting jealous. You've never gotten jealous before, so it's surprising, that's all."
"You're unbelievable. Just sleep already." Solar laughs and nudges him in the shoulder.