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2026-04-01
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(APRIL FOOLS) purple rain (stranger things 1 rewrite)

Summary:

finally releasing my s1 st rewrite!!!1111!!! i hope you guys like it i worked really hard!!11!!1!

 

read the authors note before getting mad please

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Sure! Here's a novel-style rewrite of Stranger Things Season 1!:

The party just finished a campaign and now Will biked home. He never made it home.

And now Joyce was pacing anxiously around Hopper's office. He stomped in and sat down—with a glare.

"I need to find my son!" Joyce declared, sobbing.

"Then find him." Hopper told her, eyeing her.

Joyce sobbed, "Help me!"

"I think Will's missing." Dustin's voice crackled with emotion as he spoke to his friends after school.

"Oh no, that's really unfortunate." Mike said flatly.

"We have to look for him!" Dustin said.

"Okay." Lucas agreed.

They went to the woods. Suddenly, Mike's eyes went to a figure. A girl emerged. Her eyes locked with Mike's. Mike felt his heart pound so loud in his chest he thought everyone could hear. He blushed. He knew he just met the love of his life. He took her to his basement—with care, he made a comfortable—and caring fort for her. He grabbed all his blankets and gave them to her. 

"Thank you." El said.

"When we get older, we're going to get a beautiful house with three waterfalls, okay?" Mike awsked.

"Okay." El agreed.

Barb drove Nancy to a party—at Steve's house. She met Steve's eyes. Steve met her eyes.

"Hi," Nancy's voice came out more breathless than intended, barely audible.

"I'll go grab a beer." Barb told Nancy and left. The party was bustline and everyone was drunk. Nancy loved alcohol.

"Okay." She said.

"I love you." Steve blurted finally, he couldn't take it anymore! Nancy smiled softly and kissed him. She poured all her emotions and everything she had into the kiss. Steve kissed back just as strongly.

"Hey, I'm back!" Barb called out, only to be violently attacked by a demo. Her breath came quick and she struggled against it, but it pinned her down and ate her.

Steve and Nancy didn't notice. They couldn't. They were each too focused on each other. 

Joyce sat in Will's room. She cried and repeatedly listened to his favorite song. Her son was gone, missing, probably dead. She painted letters on her living room wall emotionally. A secret message came through and she it was Will—It just had to be.

"I think my mom's going insane." Jonathan told Nancy. He showed her a picture of a demo. They were real.

"That's a picture," Nancy said, "Pics, so it happened."

"Are you serious?!" Jonathan asked, "Woah, that's so crazy." Then, he frowned, "That's a terrible sweater, by the way. I hate pink. You should sell it to Goodwill."

"You're playing terrible music right now," Nancy said, "I hate The Clash. You should sell your CDs to Goodwill."

"Man," Jonathan sighed, "We should stop this. I think we're starting to traumabond."

Dustin forced Mike to search for Will by the quarry.

"I should get back to El." Mike said, "I'm really worried about her."

Suddenly, a group of bullies attacked—and surrounded them.

"Go away!" Dustin yelled, "Before we kick—" A bully punched Dustin—square in the jaw.

"I say kick away!" Mike yelled, "Prevent—"

Hopper went inside Hawskins lab and was shocked to find a portal—A real life portal! His eyes widened in fascination—and he reached out to touch it when Dr. Brenner was suddenly angrily behind him.

"Stop looking for Will." Dr. Brenner ordered, "You're only trying to replace Sara."

"Okay." Hopper replied.

Mike, Dustin, and Lucas all went home. They foudn El there—but a demo was attacking. Mike was suddenly swalloed by a void and Purple Rain started playing.

"I've only known you for two days and you understand me better than anyone." El said. "I love you."

"Okay." Mike said tearfully and El kissed him, pecking his lips. His eyes fluttered shut as he took in the rush of emotion. They said everything they have time to say with it.

Then, El died and she disintegrated the demogorgon along with her.

"No!" Mike yelled and broke down crying, having to be restrained so as not to chase the remaining dust particles.

Joyce was driving and coincidentally drove into a portal where she found and saved Will. She took him to the hospital where he was surrounded by the whole town who all supported him and wanted him to feel better. Will sobbed.

"I'm in love with Mike, but it's okay because he's just my Tammy," Will confessed tearfully.

"Who's Tammy?" Jonathan asked.

"I don't know." Will admitted, sobbing harder.

"Friends? No thanks." Mike paused, "Best friends."

 

18 MONTHS LATER

 

The group of 8th graders all gathered aroudn to play the last game of DND ever in the entire rest of history of the earth—becaause they were graduating middle school. It was very tearful.

"The mage is in Iceland—" Mike began when prompted.

Notes:

OKAY UM APRIL FOOLS

Disclaimer: I did not use AI on this fic. I do not support the use of generative AI, including in fanwork. This is purely an overexaggerated satire written by a laughing and incredibly embarrassed human senior in high school. This is not intended to be a perfect reflection of AI and as previously stated, is entirely an overexaggeration. This is a satire on the alleged use of AI in Stranger Things season 5. This is not my actual rewrite which is coming later.

 

Although, I suppose if you've gone through all this trouble to make it this far, you might deserve some actual crumbs for my actual rewrite, so I'll tell you I actually am rewriting season 1 right now and have completed plotting/planning for all 5 seasons.

"Joyce sat anxiously in the chief of police’s office for at least an hour. She stared at the way the near-transparent-looking white curtains draped over the white window blinds. She looked at how everything from the walls, to the desk, to the chair she was sitting in in front of the desk, to some drawers in the corner,were made of a deep brown wood, except for one white file cabinet with two drawers. A gray cushioned chair was sat off to the side beside an empty coat hanger. The desk and the wooden drawers had disorganized books and files all over them. That wasn’t to mention the candy wrappers and empty mugs on the desk. Next to a standard desk lamp, there was a nameplate with the name “Chief Jim Hopper” labeled onto it. She looked all this and more over several times, and even had time to light a cigarette and begin smoking in hopes to somehow calm her nerves, before she heard his loud voice outside.
“Oh, hey, morning, Flo.” Disappointedly, Hopper’s voice sounded slurred, but Joyce wasn’t sure she should’ve expected better, all things considered. “Morning, everybody.”
“Hey chief,” One of the deputies, Phil Callahan, spoke up.
“Damn,” The other deputy, Calvin Powell, laughed a little, “You look like hell, Chief.”
“Oh yeah?” Hopper responded to them just as humorously. This conversation was far too casual for the situation right now, “Well, I looked better than your wife when I left her this morning.”
Powell gave a louder laugh, but the conversation was interrupted by Flo’s much more serious voice directed at Hopper, “While you were drinking or sleeping, or whatever it was you deemed so necessary as to be an hour late on Monday morning, Phil Larson called. Said some kids are stealing the gnomes out of his garden again.”
Gnomes? Gnomes? Joyce had half a mind to storm right back out of this office and yell about how some things were significantly more important than goddamn gnomes. Like, oh, you know, a missing 12 year old boy, Joyce’s son somewhere out there, probably in danger—but oh, no, worry about the gnomes.
“Oh, the garden gnomes again,” Hopper sounded even less interested in this than Joyce, “Well, I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna get right on that.
“On a more pressing matter,” Flo continued. “Joyce Byers can’t find her son this morning.” Her voice was softer and more sympathetic now, but Joyce could tell that sympathy was directed at her and not Hopper. Joyce felt herself sink in partial relief that they were finally getting to the important issue here.
“Mmm. Okay.” Hopper’s response came muffled now. Was he eating? Joyce did remember seeing some donuts by the coffee out there, but now was NOT the time. “I’m gonna get on that. Just give me a minute.” A MINUTE? Not to mention, why the hell did he seem so unconcerned? This was Will they were talking about here.
“Joyce is very upset,” Flo informed Hopper, but really, it felt like the biggest understatement Joyce had ever heard. Her baby was missing. She wasn’t upset, she was….distraught, terrified.
“Well, Flo, Flo, we’ve discussed this.” Joyce felt her jaw drop as she gasped. Was Hopper stalling right now? Seriously? “Mornings are for coffee and contemplation.” Coffee and contemplation? Look, Joyce knew by this point how Hopper was now, but she couldn’t handle this right now. This was serious.
“Chief, she’s already in your–” Flo tried, but got cut off just as quickly as she’d said it.
“Coffee and contemplation, Flo!”
Joyce had enough. If he was planning to…to drink coffee and contemplate, then she wasn’t going to let him. She stood quickly, turning towards the door, intending to stomp right over to Hopper’s face and tell him to get the hell on with doing his job right now and that he’s waited long enough."