Work Text:
The light of the moon ceased to exist in his night five years ago, and since then the memory of his eyes and his smile were the only thing left.
However, upon reuniting with him, Taeyang didn’t seem to remember him at all.
Additional tags: AU – Office Workers, light angst, past crush (past love?), rencounters, 5+1 things.
General Audiences, M/M, complete
One
Keeho had always thought that Taeyang was like the moon.
Seven years ago, the first time he saw him entering the place next to Jiung, under the dim light of the lamp that illuminated that cluttered basement, his mind couldn’t help but compare his face and his presence with the radiance of the celestial object. And just like the moon, which didn’t seem so distant, lost among the immensity of the night, but was hundreds of thousands of kilometers away from the earth, Taeyang would become almost unreachable for him.
From that day on, just like an infatuated teenager, he started writing paragraphs and paragraphs in his notebook about the moon, the earth and the stars. He didn’t consider himself a great writer, but he never cared about the polish of those writings that wouldn’t come out of the worn pages of that notebook he found abandoned under Jiung's bed.
Throughout the two years they were in college together before Taeyang graduated, transitioning into a new stage of his life, his fascination with him never waned. Perhaps it was all driven by Jiung, who like a sun casting its light on the moon, was constantly telling him what Taeyang was up to.
The light of the moon ceased to exist in his night five years ago, and since then the memory of his eyes and smile was the only thing he had left. While when Taeyang left the college behind there was still a glimmer of hope of finding him again, he soon lost communication with his entire group of friends, including Jiung, who was Taeyang's closest friend and therefore his only chance to return to him.
Five years had passed with only whispers and hurried mentions of his name, with only the ink-filled pages that he had kept so carefully so that he could return to them on nights when loneliness weighed too heavily on his heart and he wanted to return to that small time of happiness in his story.
Among all the possibilities, he never thought that the person who seemed to exist only between the pages of his diary would materialize in front of him.
“Excuse me, do you know where this is?”
Keeho stopped his bike on the sidewalk before turning to look at the voice calling out to him, as something echoed in his mind, like a thought circling in his memory. When he could see the person speaking to him, he finally understood what his mind had caught on and his body froze for a moment, not knowing how to react.
In front of him was Taeyang, with his lunar complexion and heavenly face, his dazzling radiance as intense as the first time. He was also riding his bike, his foot resting on the ground as he held out a piece of paper to Keeho. He took a few more seconds to make sure it was him and not just a game of his mind, and he could see Taeyang's brow furrow every second he didn't answer his question.
“Hello?”
“Ah, yes.” Keeho came out of his trance with a blink and took the paper in his hands to look at the address. “Oh, um... This is close by. Just turn right and go straight for two more blocks.”
“Ah, thank you very much.” Taeyang took the paper again and Keeho's gaze fell on his hands, as unique and beautiful as before, as they took it gently.
“Are you going to visit someone?”
He didn't know what had prompted him to ask that question or to even continue with that conversation, but something inside him urged him not to let go, to keep him close to him even if it was just a few seconds longer.
“Ah, no, I'm moving here in two days and I wanted to take a good look at where the place was.”
Keeho's heart skipped a beat at the statement, and although he was able to hide his surprise well, everything inside him looked like chaos as he processed his words.
“Ah, I see, I live further down this streett.” He pointed with his finger, and was surprised at how steady his voice sounded even though he felt everything in him trembling with every word he said. “If one day you need anything…”
“Oh,okay. I’ll keep it in mind”
Keeho felt tempted to ask a question that he wasn't sure was appropriate at that moment, if perhaps Taeyang was in a hurry and didn't want to listen or respond to any of his nonsense, but he couldn't overlook the lack of recognition on his face when he saw him.
Do you remember me?
Perhaps his second best option was to say his name, to let him know that he did remember, to tell him how much he had waited for his second coming into his life and how his very presence still sparked a battle within him.
Take care, Taeyang . It was casual and would get the conversation going when Taeyang asked where he knew him from. Maybe a light bulb would go off in his head and Taeyang would say; Oh, Keeho, right? and then they would both laugh at how ridiculous it was that they crossed paths again at that point in their lives.
However, no words came out of his mouth, and the only thing that lingered in the air were the eternal seconds of awkward silence as he stared at Taeyang standing still on the sidewalk.
“Ahm, again, thank you.” Taeyang's voice indicated that he hadn’t overlooked the atmosphere and the strange vibe surrounding them, and Keeho tried to shake the feeling from his body as he watched him start riding away. “Goodbye, neighbor.”
That last word should have been enough of an indication that the recognition Keeho had hoped for hadn’t come, that Taeyang hadn't kept him in his memories as much as he had. To him he wasn’t Keeho from the past, but was Keeho, a stranger, his new neighbor.
However, hope hadn't completely abandoned him and as he continued on his way he allowed himself to dream of a world in which he hadn’t been forgotten by him yet.
Two
The thing about Taeyang was that, just as the moon shone brighter depending on the circumstances, on several occasions he was close enough to him to know that he wasn’t completely indifferent to him. Five times, he counted and relayed through his pen. Five times he had managed to get close to him, and those nights had been some of the best during his time at college.
Each time it had been Taeyang who had approached him, a flirtatious smile peeking out from his lips, his voice a tone lower, his posture more relaxed as he leaned back on the nearest piece of furniture and looked at Keeho as if he were the brightest star, as if he were the sun casting its light on him. All these gestures made Keeho feel faint, as he returned his gaze, and tried to chatter happily with the butterflies feasting all over his being. The conversation flowed like liquor in his veins as the drunkenness clouded his mind just a little, but made the light emanating from the person next to him look brighter with every drink he took.
It seemed unfair that it was only five times in two years, but deep down he wished they had meant something to Taeyang. He didn't hope that he had also stayed up at night, or that he secretly kept a diary full of praises and poems, but he did hope in his heart that the next time he ran into him the dots would connect in his mind and he would utter his name with a sweet smile.
After that encounter, he didn’t run into him again for weeks. And it wasn't because Taeyang had suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth, in fact, he had seen him too many times for his sensitive heart's liking; but it was because of the same fear that had kept him from approaching him during the two years they had spent at the same college.
Keeho had seen Taeyang in every possible place: at the laundromat, as he left his building for work, when he arrived late at night, at the supermarket. There had been so many occasions and opportunities that he wouldn’t have been surprised to find him right in front of his work office on his way out. On none of those occasions had he been able to muster the courage to approach him and ask the ultimate question that would silence the thoughts in his mind.
Do you remember me?
It wasn't until weeks after Taeyang had moved in near him that the occasion he had been waiting for presented itself.
It was a Saturday morning, the sun was shining in the sky and stinging on his skin, as he moved his feet on the pedals of his bike. It was something he used to do on the weekends after a long week of work; a way of connecting with the world, something that helped him unwind from the stress of routine. Maybe it was the sound of the rubber against the pavement, the green grass in his periphery, the people passing by him lost in their own world, the sound of a voice calling him....
“Hey!”
At the sound of the voice, he stopped in his tracks and leaned his bike to one side so he could see where the voice was coming from, and what he saw stunned him for a small moment.
“Ah?”
Less than three meters away from him stood Taeyang, his eyes black and shining, his bike facing away from him as he held it in place with his arm. His head was bowed and his lips were slightly parted as he held something in his hand.
“You dropped this.”
Keeho squinted to focus his eyes and widened them as he saw his wallet between his fingers.
“Oh, God, I'm sorry.” He hurried to get off his bike as he took the remaining steps to approach Taeyang and take his wallet back. “Thank you so much.”
“Try to be more careful next time.”
The slight smile on Taeyang's face made Keeho immediately captivated, as if under a spell, and he stared at him for a few seconds. Behind it was also the intention to find out if maybe now Taeyang would recognize him, but even after a while he failed to catch that particular gleam in his eyes. Instead, he saw Taeyang's smile wobble as more seconds passed and Keeho continued to watch him with the same intensity.
“D-do I have something on my face?”
“Ah, no, no.” Taeyang's voice made him finally snap out of his thoughts and shake his head with a shy laugh. “Were you able to get to the address?”
Taeyang frowned in response as he tilted his head to the side, as if he didn't quite understand what he was referring to, and Keeho felt his heart constrict in his chest.
“Ah, you're the guy from the other day, right?” Taeyang pointed a finger at him while smiling and Keeho hid his head on his chest while curving his lip to the side. “Ah, thank you very much indeed. It's been a while since I've come to Seoul and I'm not good with directions.”
Keeho tried not to think too much about the fact that Taeyang recognized him as ‘the boy from the other day’, and not as a person Taeyang had long ago observed as if he could hold a constellation between his fingers. His heart, on the other hand, seemed to react on its own, and he soon found himself at a conflict as he tried to respond without revealing the secrets within.
“It's nothing, really. I guess we're even now that you rescued my wallet.”
“Ah, it’s nothing. What else was I going to do, leave it lying on the floor?
They both laughed, though Keeho's smile was half-hearted, his heart still juggling in his chest as he tried to come to terms with the fact that Taeyang wasn't going to remember him. It was already their second meeting, and he was sure he'd had enough time to analyze his face and look through the files of his mind to see who it was, but there didn't seem to be any indication that he'd found anything at all.
“Ah, well, I have to go.” Taeyang gave him one last smile before hopping on his bike to continue on his way. Instead of doing the same, Keeho watched him as he rode off in the opposite direction and shouted one last ‘thank you’ before he was out of sight.
Flustered by his encounter, he decided to leave the park and return to his apartment. He could get under the shower, maybe take a book and try to get the image of Taeyang out of his mind. As soon as he arrived, however, the images of his smile didn't leave him for a second, and as soon as he was dressed on his bed, he pulled out his computer and searched through a photo album he’d gone through several times in those last few years.
It was a folder with the pictures he’d taken in college, which were not many compared to the ones his classmates probably had, but there were all the ones he considered really important. Among those, there was one that he remembered having put as his phone wallpaper on some occasion, and that was proof that all that happened had not been just a delusion. In it was Taeyang, smiling broadly, probably drunk as he hugged Keeho's shoulder and lifted his chin with his finger. His eyes were fixed on Keeho's face who was looking back at him with parted lips and flushed cheeks.
“Sometimes, I'm afraid," Taeyang suddenly whispered, too close, dangerously close, as if his words were a secret that he was giving him to keep, that no one should know besides the boy next to him.
“What are you afraid of?” Keeho's hand trembled in his lap, and his heart beat with the same force that drew him to Taeyang.
“Being forgotten.”
They had been talking for more than an hour, hidden behind the basement furniture, and Keeho felt that it was all part of a dream, a mirage that the moon had given him on that winter night.
“I think... “ Keeho paused, his breath caught as he swallowed saliva and leaned his head against the wall. He noticed out of the corner of his eye how Taeyang's gaze fell on his neck for just an instant before he lifted it with uncharacteristic shyness. “Being forgotten is more comforting than you think.”
Taeyang laughed, as if mocking his naivety, but made no comment for a few seconds.
“Will you forget me?”
Keeho shook his head as he looked down to gaze at him.
“I don't think I can.”
He stared at the photo for too long, a sigh caught in his throat, as he wondered if those eyes that looked at him that way were the same ones that now seemed to have forgotten him completely.
Maybe there was something else, a voice in his mind told him, hopeful, optimistic. Maybe Taeyang hadn't forgotten him and he just had to wait a little longer. But he didn't know how much longer he could wait before the weight in his heart spread and fell on him.
Three
“Prosopagnosia? Really?" he had said to Intak as he picked up his things from his desk after a long day's work. It was just after ten o'clock at night and they were both dead tired, but the topic of conversation had come up and when Keeho told him of Taeyang's apparent inability to recognize him, Intak had suggested that perhaps it was all a misunderstanding caused by an unavoidable condition.
Intak was one of the few people he got along with in the office, besides being an old friend from college who had first-hand experience with Taeyang having dated Taeyang's best friend, Jiung, for several years. For that reason, when he told him that he had crossed paths with him somewhere nearby, he was interested in Keeho's journey as he made up his mind to talk to him.
“I read it on the internet. Although it says it usually happens as a result of an accident.”
“Didn't Jiung tell you something about that?” Keeho looked up from the screen and caught a glimpse of Intak rolling his eyes as he finished putting on his jacket.
“Hyung, I haven't talked to Jiung in years.”
“Still, I think if something like that had happened we would have heard about it without a doubt.”
“You are right. Maybe it's congenital.”
“He didn't seem to have a problem recognizing faces before.”
“Maybe he was just good at hiding it.”
“Maybe.”
“Why don't you ask him yourself? Since you say you see him everywhere.”
It wasn't that Keeho hadn't considered the option of facing the problem once and for all, but there was a slight fear inside him of finding out what the final answer would be. Perhaps deep down he was just protecting himself from disappointment, but it was inescapable: He could continue to have empty hopes about what was going on, or he could have the courage to get the truth by the most reliable means.
“I will the next time I meet him.”
“Really?” Intak looked at him skeptically, knowing how Keeho avoided confrontation at all costs.
“I swear. Pinky promise.”
Intak laughed at the sight of Keeho's raised finger as he forced a smile. He rounded the cubicle after hanging his bag on his shoulder to get behind Keeho and put a hand on his shoulder.
“All right. Let me know how it goes.”
He gave him a light pat on the back before going to the door and Keeho let out a sigh before following him. As he finished walking down the stairs towards the main entrance, he was met with the city's night sky. The noise of the night, which was just a hum compared to what it was during the day, accompanied him as he went to his parking spot, and once he got on his bike, he was able to look straight ahead at the artificial light of the lamps illuminating the street.
That was usually the landscape he saw as he left his building at night; the buildings rising in the background, and the shadows of people slipping into the night. He usually paid no attention to the latter, as he was too engrossed in his commute and thoughts of the day, but as he turned the corner, his eyes stopped on a similar figure emerging from a parking lot near his office.
It was Taeyang, dressed in a beige coat, a black cap, and a scarf wrapped elegantly around his neck. Despite the layers of clothing he wore, Keeho could recognize him from where he stood and Intak's words repeated in his mind.
Why don't you ask him yourself?
He took a breath through his mouth, as he felt the cold air rush through his body, before he stopped his bike and started walking beside it. He felt his heart pounding almost through his skin as he walked towards Taeyang, who was just putting on his helmet after stowing his cap in his bag.
“Hello," he greeted softly once he was close and Taeyang watched him out of the corner of his eye before turning his gaze to the front.
“Ah, hello.”
They both started walking without talking too much, and Keeho began to ponder a suitable way to start the conversation.
“Can you recognize me this time?," he decided to say after a while, though it didn't take him long to regret his choice of words.
“Of course I do.” Taeyang rolled his eyes, and a small bud of hope welled up inside him for a brief moment, before withering away when he heard the following sentence. “You're the guy who dropped his wallet”
He was no longer ‘the guy from the other day’, but ‘the guy who dropped his wallet’. They sounded like appropriate nicknames, but it wasn't what Keeho wanted to hear. Maybe he would be satisfied if he heard ‘you're the boy I liked in college’ or even if he acknowledged him even a little bit as part of his past, then it would be enough for him. However, it seemed that he was wanting more than he could get, though hope was still latent, because in his heart still rested the fact that he’d been special, those encounters, the deep and meaningful conversations they’d had.
“Right.”
Keeho had thought that the most difficult part of the conversation was over since he’d managed to start it, but the awkward silence that followed his words proved otherwise. He knew he had to keep the conversation going with something, mostly with seeking resolution to those doubts that were nagging at the back of his mind, but it was difficult to rephrase his thoughts into sentences.
He closed his eyes as he decided to resolve one that might not be entirely true, but was a possibility, after all, one he couldn’t entirely rule out.
“The other day," he began at last, before pausing to settle his thoughts, "when we bumped into each other again, you didn't recognize me even though we had seen each other shortly before, so I wondered if perhaps you had a condition.”
“Condition?" Taeyang looked at him for the first time in those minutes and raised an eyebrow at him, which was strangely intimidating to Keeho.
“Yes, prosopagnosia, have you heard of it?”
Keeho felt slightly ridiculous asking the question, but he couldn't deny that curiosity had grown inside him at Intak's suggestion.
“That's like face blindness or something?”
“Exactly! Do you have it?”
A light laugh burst from Taeyang's lips, and it was different from the first time, much more open, much more precious than he remembered. Soon it evolved into something else, and he could hear the sound of that laughter that had been etched in his mind, the one he didn't know he missed so much until he could appreciate it again in his ears.
“No, I just have a bad memory and don't care enough to remember it.”
“Oh, wow.” The contrast between the dreamy soft laughter he had just seen and Taeyang's very direct statement took him by surprise and Taeyang seemed to have noticed the change in Keeho's posture because he shook his head immediately before continuing.
“I mean, it's nothing personal, I just don't pay much attention to details.”
“I understand, I'm sorry for the mix up…”
“Although I can see why you would believe that, it's not the first time it's happened to me, you know?”
Once again Keeho was taken aback at Taeyang's sudden willingness to talk to him. He wasn’t a cold person, but during his time at college he seemed to enjoy the silence, walking with only the sound of the night or ambient music. Despite this, he decided not to question it and enjoyed the opportunity to talk to him.
“Really?”
“Yeah, I once had to go to a building meeting where I used to live in and my neighbor didn't believe me when I told her that I didn't recognize her in the lobby. We had lived next door for three years, but I had never really paid attention to her.”
“I mean, I'd be a little offended too.”
“It's not like I'm doing it on purpose, I think it's just my brain freeing up mental space.”
Keeho pursed his lips, an idea settling fast in his mind without giving him time to process his feelings in a different way.
Am I not worthy of your mental space?, something in his mind was screaming at him, and he felt something rise in his throat, like a knot barely forming but not quite reflecting on the rest of his appearance.
“I see.”
Taeyang looked at him for a few seconds and Keeho tried to put on his best smile, but he’d never been good at masking how he felt, his face like a piece of glass that always revealed when there was something wrong inside.
“You seem a little upset, you know," Taeyang said and Keeho shook his head as he looked down at the handlebars in his hands, but Taeyang continued, "It's not like I've seen you too many times before to recognize you right away. Don’t take it to heart.”
But you did, he thought, his cowardice keeping the words dancing on his tongue, as he felt something prickle in his eyes. We met several times, and I still haven't forgotten you.
His thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of his phone in his pocket, and he paused for a second to look at the notification, ignoring the strange feeling in his stomach at the sight of Taeyang waiting for him beside him.
Landlord
You forgot to make your deposit for this month
If you don't pay it today, I'm going to have to raise the bill
I've been waiting for a week
“Damn it.”
Keeho had been so focused on photos and memories that he had completely forgotten to pay his rent for the apartment. The worst part was that the woman only accepted cash payments, so he would have to rush to the building before midnight.
“Oh? Did something happen?”
“Ah, I have to go.” Keeho took the handlebars in his hands before settling into his seat and preparing to leave.
“Wait.” Keeho put his foot back on the floor to look at Taeyang one last time while watching him take something out of his pocket. “This is my number.”
Well, that's an unexpected twist.
The paper appeared to be a business card with his name, the company he worked for, and his phone number. He wanted to wonder what it meant, why he gave him his contact all of a sudden, but the clock was ticking and he had to get back as quickly as possible.
“Okay, thanks. I really have to go, so…”
“Don't worry.”
That said, he started pedaling fast but carefully and just before he turned the corner he could hear Taeyang's voice in the distance.
“It's really nothing personal!”
Keeho couldn't help but laugh softly as he tilted his handlebars and left the street they had met on behind, abandoning the pressure on his chest as well. He thought about how he couldn't even get angry at Taeyang, who seemed to have the same bright personality as before, who seemed to overcome any doubts, lump in his throat or noise in his heart. And as he hurried his pace, he couldn't help but think of the card in his pocket, the sweet smile he had offered him and let himself be carried away by the illusion of something that seemed to be emerging when he least expected it, something that had been overshadowed by the weight of the past.
Four
Talking to Taeyang was more pleasant than he remembered. After his race that day to pay the rent on time, he wrote a text to the number without expecting a serious reply from him, with the pleasant surprise of receiving it almost immediately.
Unknown number
Hello
I'm the guy from the other day
Choi Taeyang
Ah, hello
I never got to ask your name
Keeho kept his fingers still on the keyboard as he thought about the possibilities, which seemed to fly even after three fruitless encounters. Maybe if her face hadn't been enough, his name would turn on a light bulb and his worries would go away as they had come.
Unknown number
Keeho
Choi Taeyang
Keeho
Oh, nice name :)
And just as it arrived, hope fell and crashed with the harsh reality. Even his name, which was quite unique in his opinion, didn't seem to evoke anything in the other. He shook his head with a sigh as he replied, trying to get that burden out of his mind that plagued him and didn't seem to want to let go.
Keeho
I mean, it's decent
I'm sorry if my question the other day made you uncomfortable
And I know I can stare for a long time, so....
I apologize for that too.
Choi Taeyang
It's okay.
It could have been worse
Keeho
Is that so?
Choi Taeyang
Yes, you could be a serial killer
Analyzing his next victim
Keeho
Oh
Not a bad idea now that you mention it
Choi Taeyang
Ah, no, please, that's not the kind of ideas I want to put in your head
Keeho
I might have succeeded considering your lousy ability to recognize faces
Choi Taeyang
When are you going to get over it?
You don't know how much I wish I could, he thought as he wrote the next message, remembering all the times the thought had circled in his mind those days. But there was a part of it that Taeyang still didn't know, a part he wasn't sure he was ready to confess.
Keeho
Not today, that's for sure
Choi Taeyang
Well, I'm sorry
I promise I'll try not to forget your face again
Keeho
It's okay, it's not like you owe me or anything
Choi Taeyang
Well, the way you’re acting about it makes me believe that
It's a little bit
I don't know how to say it.
Suspicious?
Keeho
Suspicious?
Kind of...
Like a serial killer?
Choi Taeyang
Ahh, no, it's not that haha
Forget it, it's nothing
We should start off on the right foot this time
Keeho
I think it's a wonderful idea
But I think we should start tomorrow, I'm really sleepy
Choi Taeyang
Ah, it's late, you're right haha
See you tomorrow then :)
Keeho didn't expect to receive any more notifications from Taeyang, attributing the previous night's conversation to some lucky break he'd had. However, the next day he received a message with a photo attached from him.
Choi Taeyang
I know who you are now :3
The photo showed Keeho coming out of his building with his bike, his hair slightly disheveled because of his helmet and his lips in a straight line showing his typical morning mood. As he reviewed the photo with a smile, he saw a new message arrive.
Choi Taeyang
That’s you in the photo, right?
Keeho
Are you sure you don't have face blindness?
Besides, it's a little weird for you to go around taking pictures of people
Choi Taeyang
I don't take pictures of "people".
I take pictures of my cute neighbor...
What's your last name?
Keeho
Yoon
Choi Taeyang
That, my cute neighbor, Yoon Keeho
Keeho felt the tickles in his stomach intensify as he leaned his cell phone against his chest with a smile.
“Who are you talking to?" Intak asked across his cubicle and Keeho's smile faded a bit as he lifted his chin in a gesture of defiance.
“None of your business.”
“Calm down, I'm just asking.” Intak raised his hands in defense as Keeho narrowed his eyes at him. Intak cocked one of his eyebrows before continuing. “Are you by any chance talking to a certain man who is presumed to have face blindness?”
“He doesn't have face blindness.”
“So you've already talked to him?” Intak looked at him with a smirk and Keeho let out a short sigh.
“Something like that.”
“Well, unless you miraculously got a date in one night, I'd bet my paycheck today that he's the one you're talking to now.”
“Ah, Intakie, I recommend you not to bet your paycheck, you know what happened last time.”
“Am I wrong, though?”
Keeho rolled his eyes without reply before turning his eyes back to his phone and starting to type a new message.
Keeho
Still, it's a bit weird
Choi Taeyang
Well, you just stare at people
So I guess we're even, right?
Keeho
It's not even remotely the same
Choi Taeyang
Whatever you say
And so the conversation continued, for days and days, without Taeyang getting tired of him as he expected he would. But his messages didn’t come alone, for accompanied with them followed the constant encounters with him, except that this time every time Taeyang noticed his gaze he winked at him from afar and continued on his way, while Keeho tried to contain the roar in his heart as his cheeks turned a soft pink.
But despite the sudden joy that talking to Taeyang had brought him, there was still a burden in his mind. It was something he couldn't ignore even if he wanted to, and the hopes inside him seemed to dwindle the more they talked. Partly he felt that he had already resigned himself to being forgotten and that nothing that had happened had been as special as he’d thought.
But there was still a method he had to use to confirm his suspicions, even though he could break his heart completely and move on without lingering on that question that had no fixed answer yet. He chose the photo carefully from his college album and sent it to Taeyang with a caption while biting his thumb, nervousness impacting against the pulse of his hand.
Keeho
Do you know who’s in the photo?
The wait for the answer seemed like forever. It could be that Taeyang was busy, which was understandable, but as he listened to the invisible ticking in his ear, he wished that he wasn't.
Taeyang
You, obviously
When you were young
Keeho
So you do remember me?
Taeyang
Remember you?
Wait, have we met before?
And there it was, the confirmation he needed, the final fracture in his already dying optimism. He closed his eyes, while taking in air through his nose, and once he opened them again he began to answer the message.
Keeho
Ah, I can't believe it T.T
I don't think I want to talk to you anymore
Taeyang
Wait, where do we know each other from?
Keeho?
Are you really not going to answer my messages?
Keeho-ah :(
Please reply t.t
The messages from Taeyang waiting on his cell phone were minutes apart, and soon became hours; one, five, twelve. Keeho wasn't lying when he said he didn't want to talk to him anymore, but he didn't plan to take it too seriously, with the playful tone he had intended to send the last message. But soon the notifications were starting to pile up one after another, as his fingers itched on the keyboard every time he picked up his phone.
He didn't know why he was doing it, nor had he taken the time to meditate on the feelings that exchange had caused in him, perhaps as a form of protection or an escape from a reality he had purposely avoided. Perhaps seeing Taeyang's name on the screen reminded him of things he would rather forget, and soon what seemed to be an instant's decision, turned into something longer than he had intended.
However, the confrontation over that decision was bound to come sooner or later.
“Keeho-yah!”
He turned immediately at that familiar voice, a voice he hadn't heard for days, but which his mind recognized as if it were a natural sound to him. He hesitated for a moment before stopping his bike and watching Taeyang approach with his own behind him.
“Why aren't you answering my messages?" He seemed ready to get straight to the point, and Keeho felt a pang of guilt for his lack of response after their last conversation.
“Ah? Nothing in particular, I've been a little busy…” Keeho raised his hand to scratch the back of his neck, his chest shrinking at the reaction his attitude had on him. It was easy to ignore him when it was just through the screen, when he could selfishly evade the situation, but he couldn't bear to see Taeyang's lips twist, his eyelids lowering as his expression drooped.
“Keeho-ah.” The tone of his voice was serious and stern, which made Keeho look at him with the same solemnity. “Where do we know each other from? Is that why you were so upset that I didn't recognize you?”
“It's not that," he quickly denied as he let out a small laugh that only made Taeyang's expression harden further. “It's not important, really…”
“I want the truth. If you're going to ignore me, I want that, at least.”
“I..." He hesitated for a moment as he chose his words, and a slight tremor began to run through his body as he closed his eyes for a moment. “We met in college.”
“Oh? I don't remember seeing you in class.”
“You entered a year earlier than me.”
“Ah, I see.” Taeyang nodded in understanding, though he soon tilted his head and frowned at him. “So how did we meet, then?”
“At a party," Keeho explained, his voice strangely steady, as he tried to understand that the conversation was really happening. “I mean, there weren't many in our program, but we saw each other at a few back then.”
“Okay," Taeyang's expression remained the same, confusion plastered on his face as his gaze on Keeho didn’t relent. “But from what you’re saying, we weren't close at all.”
“We weren't, but..." Keeho paused, thinking about how he couldn't tell him the truth, how Taeyang had become a muse of sorts, how no one had ever infiltrated his thoughts the way he had since the first time. “The times we talked to each other, I felt... they were special.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I... I don't know, but I always thought you liked me. You flirted with me and…”
He raised his head as he heard a slight snort, and when he looked at Taeyang with a frown he could see the edges of his lips lift as he shook his head.
“W-what?”
“Keeho-ah, please don't be offended, but..." Taeyang's smile had a mischievous air, as if he was about to reveal a little secret, and that only caused his pulse to quicken even more as he waited for the explanation. “I was flirting with a lot of people back then.”
“Ah?" He tilted his head to the side in confusion, and Taeyang lifted his shoulders casually.
“Yes, you know. Jiung was very involved in the community and always knew who was part of it and who wasn't, and I just...flirted with whoever he pointed out.”
He could almost hear the last remnants of hope cracking inside of him. It was as if he could see his memories shattering and crumpling in front of him, and maybe, if he had paid a little more attention, he would’ve realized how obvious it all seemed back then while he was trapped in a bubble that existed only for him.
And even though it was something he already knew deep down, something he should’ve already understood considering the times they had met were too few to represent anything important, he couldn't help but feel a slight pain in his chest knowing now the reason for Taeyang's apparent indifference to his reappearance.
Even though Taeyang had been drawn to him, despite the time together Keeho was never going to forget as it was safely captured on paper; though there was some truth to the illusions he had formed, an irrational buzz made him feel used.
“Keeho?”
“Ahhh, wow, and me... here, thinking I was special.”
“Well…”
“I guess it's my fault for falling for sweet words so easily, right?” He knew he wasn't being fair to Taeyang, that he was acting childish, that it was nothing more than a stupid feeling he'd let spread too far, but a frustration inside him was screaming to escape, to burst out as fast as possible. “So that's why you asked for my number, you were playing again, weren't you?”
“Keeho-ah.” Taeyang looked him in the eyes, his stern face contrasting with the memories of smiles Keeho had in his mind. “I... I like you.”
“How many others have you said that to?”
“Keeho…”
“It's okay. I'm actually flattered. That you still want to play with me after so long.” Keeho shook his head and bit his lip, aware that he shouldn't let more out, that it wasn't Taeyang who was to blame for the storm that was raging inside him. “I'm glad we've cleared things up. I promise not to ignore you anymore.”
“Keeho, wait…”
He got on his bike and set off, not wanting to know what other words Taeyang had for him. He had shown his vulnerability openly, something that probably should have been locked in his thoughts. For he knew now that he had held on to a lie, that his mind had been clouded, and that it was none of Taeyang's business if he felt hurt by fabricated memories and emotions.
He should’ve known it from the first moment, when Taeyang looked him straight in the eye and couldn’t decipher what was behind his gaze. The hope of recognition should have died there, but he had put off the pain in exchange for a hope that had withered anyway in the end.
Once he got home, instead of putting the subject behind him and forgetting for hours as he was used to doing, he reached into a drawer under his closet and pulled out a leather-covered notebook, one whose touch felt familiar in his fingers, and slid the pages with ease as he searched for a particular entry.
October 19th
Today the moon is out again, and has gifted me with the vision of his brightness tonight.
Sometimes I feel reluctant to mention his name for fear that someone might find this journal, although deep down I know that these pages will remain hidden in some box in a corner of my home.
The moon spoke to me today, and gave me a smile that I would have loved to capture. They say that its light is just a projection of the sun's, but sometimes I begin to wonder who the sun is in all this strange metaphor I have invented. And maybe it's his smile, maybe it's the sun shining through him in the night.
As on the other occasions, he showed more interest than usual in approaching me, and I like to think that there is a force drawing him too. I felt shocks of electricity with every touch, and I could see his lips up close on so many occasions that it felt like all of him was just within my grasp.
We talked about many things, maybe too many, and the harmony in the talk makes me think that maybe there is not so much distance between our dreams.
Maybe I'm just a deluded fool, but with the ghost of his touch on my cheek and his lingering gaze throughout the evening, it makes me think he might actually like me.
I guess I'll need a cold shower to bring me back to reality.
Reading that entry, everything seemed even clearer than before. If his assumption had been true, it wouldn't have been just five occasions, maybe Taeyang would have looked for him more times, it would have been much more than a crush trapped between the drawers of his mind and the lines of his notebook.
It's my fault for getting my hopes up for no reason; and just as that thought crossed his mind, he could feel his phone vibrate next to him, and without having to look, he knew who it was.
Taeyang
I really don't want you to misunderstand my intentions
I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings
But I'm not lying when I say it's different
I can safely say that it's genuine this time
But the scenes in his diary, the encounters from years ago and his own deductions were something from the past, and now he was in the present. A present in which perhaps there was a genuine interest and a real opportunity, an opportunity that didn't have to be overshadowed by the past.
Perhaps it was time to let go of what may or may not have been yesterday and look at what he had at that moment in front of himself.
Keeho
Okay, I'll give you another chance
As long as you don't forget me
Taeyang
I don't think I can
Five
After that message, although there was no meeting in the near future, Keeho stopped ignoring Taeyang's messages and Taeyang made it his main purpose to prove to Keeho that it would be different this time. Although in the end it was something Keeho considered useless in a way; Taeyang didn't need to prove anything for Keeho to fall for him again. After all, this one had already confessed to him outright that he was reciprocated this time, and after his initial mental breakdown, he allowed himself to savor those words with a wide smile and a comfortable warmth in his chest.
I really like you.
Still, his mind sometimes liked to remind him of the initial twinge of the confession parallel to that one.
I flirted with everyone back then.
Despite that, the messages he exchanged with Taeyang were enough of a distraction to push any thoughts to the back burner.
Taeyang
Keeho-ah
Keeho
Yeah?
Taeyang
Were we that close?
Keeho
Not that much
I saw you from afar mostly
We met a total of five times
Taeyang
Five times?
Why did you expect me to remember you, then?
Keeho
I don't know, really
You always told me I was special
That there was no one like me
And your look...
You even told me that you weren't sure whether to pursue your career or not
Taeyang
Oh
Keeho
Unless you told that to everyone...
Taeyang
Oh no, definitely not
Based on what you tell me, I can understand why you would feel disappointed
Although I don't understand why I didn't recognize you
Because I definitely remember telling that to only one person
And it wasn't just anyone
And I also remember the other things you mention
Keeho
Are you sure you don't have face blindness?
Taeyang
Nah
I'm sure you're just more handsome now
Unrecognizable
Keeho
Are you saying I had work done?
Taeyang
Oh, please
Learn to take a compliment
Keeho
Was that a compliment?
Taeyang
Yes, the last one you'll get if you keep that up
Thus, the days passed and the summer sun didn’t seem to diminish its brightness on the horizon after that dark day. What did seem to diminish were his face-to-face meetings with Taeyang, with whom he began to see less and less, and the few occasions when he did see him from afar both were too busy to take the first step and get closer. However, this only made Taeyang more motivated to text him every hour of the day that he could.
Taeyang
I saw you today when you came to your office
You look good in that outfit
Keeho
It's the same outfit I wear almost every day
Taeyang
You still can't accept a compliment
And yes, that was a compliment
As more days passed and his text history with Taeyang grew, so did his desire to see him again. It was frustrating that their workplaces were close and they couldn't see each other often, as Keeho came in three hours earlier than Taeyang, and the latter always stayed late in his office. It was a miracle that the encounter where Taeyang gave him his number had passed, as if fate had once again pushed him towards him. Although at that moment he needed just another push.
One Friday morning, as he was running late to work because of maintenance at his building, he was able to spot Taeyang in the distance as he rode to his workplace. He stopped for a moment when he saw his gaze fall on him, and laughed to himself as he saw the way Taeyang was riding, hunched over and stiff-limbed.
Taeyang didn't seem to pay too much attention to his greeting as he turned the corner toward where he usually parked his bike. Keeho couldn't resist the temptation and picked up his cell phone to send him a message.
Keeho
Why are you riding like an old man?
Taeyang
Ah, it was you
I thought it was someone who hurt his arm while driving.
Keeho
Two weeks and you already forgot what I look like?
Taeyang
Well, it's not my fault that you're dressed like an idol on the run
Keeho
Is that a compliment too?
Taeyang
No
Do you want one?
Keeho
No, thanks
Taeyang
Would you consider it a compliment if I asked you out?
Keeho
Hey, that was smooth
Taeyang
Is that a yes?
Keeho
Well, I'm pretty busy
Taeyang
Come on
We haven't seen each other in a while
Keeho
You just saw me on the street
Taeyang
You know that's not what I mean.
Keeho
I know
Okay, I want to see you again too
Keeho let the edge of his smile spread across his face as he put away his phone and started on his way to his office again. Seeing Taeyang had lifted his mood enough to stay with a goofy smile that Intak didn't miss a chance to notice every time he saw him. He kept that same smile for the rest of the week as he waited for the day he would have to see him again.
+1
“On our first date, we went to a restaurant, on the second to a bar, and now on the third you're taking me biking on the Han River. Something tells me you're getting lazier every time.”
Keeho heard Taeyang's soft laughter on the other end of the phone and felt something flutter in his stomach as a smile crept across his face. He finished putting his wallet in his jacket pocket and checked his outfit one last time in front of the mirror. Contrary to the other times he’d gone out with Taeyang throughout those weeks, this time he had a more casual outfit, suitable for the activity Taeyang had suggested they do this time.
“It's hard for me to come up with good ideas all the time. Of course, if you have any suggestions...”
“Well, I won't deny that the idea of going for a ride by the river at night sounds quite romantic.”
“Doesn't it? Thanks for confirming that it's the best thing I've ever thought of. Now hurry downstairs before I grow roots waiting for you”
He hurried down the stairs of his building after hanging up and securing his phone in his pocket. He headed to the parking lot and once he was outside with his bike he approached Taeyang with a smile. He was leaning back with his arms crossed, his bike resting on the wall.
“Hello," he greeted once he was close enough, "We can go now.”
“Ah, sorry, I'm waiting for someone.” Taeyang bowed his head with a serious gesture while squinting his eyes. “Do we know each other from somewhere?”
“Oh, sorry, then. My mistake.” Keeho tried to play along as he smiled. “My friend said he was going to wait for me here, so…”
“Friend?" Taeyang snapped out of his act at that moment and gaped as he put a hand on his chest.
“You're right. I’m exaggerating. He's more like an acquaintance.”
The next thing was something he could not have seen coming even if he had been warned beforehand. Taeyang leaned his head forward and in a second he felt his lips caress his softly. Memories of the past, of fantasies he would never admit out loud, flashed through his head during those few seconds, too short, for before he could react, Taeyang was already pulling away and Keeho could see an amused smile widen on his face.
“Ah, I think I remember who you are.”
Keeho felt the blood warm his cheeks as he looked at him with wide eyes, the grip on his bike shaking a little after the kiss.
“I-I'm glad.”
“Now, do you want to go for a ride with your acquaintance?”
He closed his lips and tried to shake himself out of his mental state as he nodded slightly with a smile. He watched Taeyang take his bike and settled into his seat as he followed behind him. The first few streets were crowded, so he was as focused as he could be on the road, but once the scenery began to clear, he was able to take in the view of the night. Without having to lift his head he could see the moon painted in the night sky, white from where it stood and saturated with light, though Keeho knew there were hues to it.
He allowed himself to think about the person in front of him, how Taeyang had always been synonymous with night, with projections of light, with the mystery that the falling stars bring. He paused for a moment to contemplate, and lost sight of the light for a moment, before he saw Taeyang approach him with a worried gesture.
“Is everything all right?”
Keeho snapped out of his trance for a second, and almost as if he hadn't seen him a bunch of times already, he felt the air catch in his throat just like the first time. Taeyang was beautiful, and no matter how many times he saw him, he still couldn't fight the battle inside him that was going on because of him.
“You know," Keeho bit his lower lip, his expression thoughtful as he looked away, "I used to think you were like the moon.
It was a confession he never thought he would actually make, something that would get stuck in his mind and in his letters, so he held his breath as he waited for a response.
“Oh,” was, however, the only answer he received.
“Oh?”
“It's nothing, it's just that…” Taeyang sighed as he shook his head, with the hint of a smile on his lips. “It's too cliché.”
Keeho let out the air he was holding and looked at Taeyang for a few seconds dumbfounded. Taeyang couldn't hide his smile anymore as he let out a soft laugh.
“Excuse me? It's literally what I always wrote about you.”
“I don't know what you want me to say. I think you can do better”
He let out a snort, though he couldn't help the small smile that formed on his face despite the fact that Taeyang had just insulted his attempts to be poetic.
“And I'm the one who can't take a compliment.”
“It's not that. I just don't know what it means. What does the moon have to do...?”
“Oh, God, forget it, let's move on.”
They both returned to their positions on their bikes to continue riding side by side, and it wasn't long before he heard Taeyang's voice next to him continuing the conversation.
“Wait, you wrote things about me?”
“I told you to forget it.”
“Can I read it?”
Keeho thought about telling him that everything he had written was riddled with the same kind of metaphors, that it was too corny, too embarrassing. But hearing the curiosity, the interest in his voice, made him desist the immediate response to escape showing his vulnerable feelings.
“Alright.”
Taeyang gave him a small smile, which made him at that moment, more than ever, able to see him for the light he was. Despite his teasing, Keeho hadn’t changed his mind. Taeyang was like moonlight, a distant light that was now at the center of his thoughts.
They say that moonlight is nothing more than a reflection of the sun's light. But Keeho didn't care, because despite the years and the clear changes in him, despite his flickering luminosity, despite the constant distance in the past, he had never ceased to be dazzled by him.