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Click! I finally finished the fic that I’ve been meaning to send to Dober first thing in the morning. It wasn’t easy being an himejoshi, Dober was the only other one I knew of on the whole campus! I stretched out my arms and legs in my chair. Looking to my right, Tachyon was still unusually fast asleep, maybe she was working on one of her experiments last night. I was wondering who she would like it right when my door knocked, and I opened it to see none other than Dober herself!
“H-hey, Digitan.” Dober said in an uncharacteristically flustered voice, her face was red too! She rarely ever called me Digitan either! It was weird to see the usually cool and collected Dober, MEJIRO Dober of all people to be flustered like this!
“Heya Dober!” I said, trying to ignore it, “I sent you the fic that I was working on!”
“Oh, that? I already read it, three times over actually.”
“Wah- three times over!? I sent it to you a minute ago!?”
“Yes, I’ve always been moved by your writing,” Dober’s voice began to sound more dreamy, “and your passion for Umamusume… and your beautiful hair.” Dober’s tail started wagging like a puppy. She only did that when she was really into something, and that thing she wa Shinto was… “Digitan, I’ve actually been meaning to ask you something.”
I gulped, “yeahup!!1!”
“Would you…” she averted her eyes, her blush growing heavier as the words failed to escape her mouth. ASKDJDNAA SHE WAS SO CUTE!!! “…like to go on a date with me? Just the two of us tonight?”
I was so caught up in Dober’s cuteness that I almost didn’t process the question. “Huh? Me?” I pointed to myself.
“Yes, you!” Dober added, reaching out to hold my hand “you’re so important to me Digitan, you’ve helped me in so many ways, I want to be with you forever!”
I was trying to stop myself from exploding. What kind of OOC self insert fast burn was this!?!? Dober was confessing to me? ME!? “Iwauahshenskaksnanuhhhhhhhhh…,,,,,,,…..” My brain began to melt.
“T-tell me when you’re ready, ok?” And with that, she left.
I laid face up on the bed. The only sound I could hear was the ceiling fan whirring above me. Tachyon eventually got up. “Hm? Digital, you’re still in bed? I swore I heard you say something about waking up early today.”
“Dober just asked me out.”
“…interesting.” I could hear her write something down on a note pad. Another knock on the door. “I’ll answer it,” Tachyon said, valiantly stepping in place for my stunlocked self.
“Hello, could I speak to Agnes Digital? Is she here?” I heard what sounded like King Halo’s voice speaking. Wait a minute, King Halo? THE top oshi King Halo? I sprang to life, dashing towards the door and maybe or maybe not shoving Tachyon out of the way.
“Yeees?” A fan service reset was exactly what I needed right now. Especially after what happened with Dober-
“Ah Digital! I have a very important favor to ask!” King tilted her head up, her confident demeanor on full display.
“A-a favor? From me?” I, in contrast, stumbled over my words, “Uhm, ok, what do you need?”
“Would you like to go to the dance with me?
“WAHWUHAHAHWHQIAKHUH!?!?!1!1?1!?.?” I stepped back. “WHY ME!!??”
“A first rate Umamusume needs a first rate partner! And you are by far the most first rate Umamusume on this campus—well, besides me, of course!” She proclaimed. “So? Do you accept my offer?”
My head was spinning. First Dober now King? Why is everyone acting so OOC today!? “I-I need some time to think about this!” I practically yelled before slamming the door.
Then I flopped onto the bed and actually yelled inside a pillow.
“Facinating,” Tachyon looked over my limp body after I let out all my energy into the pillow. “It seems that you’ve become something of an Umamusume Magnet. People are becoming unusually attracted to you.”
I looked up to Tachyon, her face blurry due to the tears that welled in my eyes. “WHADAMIGONNADOTACHYOOOOONNN!!!” I wailed. “YOU CANT JUST ASK ME TO CHOOSE! I LOVE THEM BOTH! WHY MUST THIS CRUEL WORLD DO THIS TO ME!!!1!1!!1!!”
Tachyon’s hand was placed on her chin, I didn’t realize it at the time but it looked like her thoughts were anywhere but the matter at hand. “This is indeed quite the scenario. I’ll have to run some… tests on you to find out what’s happening.”
“PLSPLSPLSILLDOANYTHINGSAVEMEFROMTHISNIGHTMARE!!!1!1!!1!!!” Then it hit me. I realized the sultry tone in her voice when she said “tests”, the look in her eyes and the smug smile on her mouth. “Wait… don’t tell me… are you one of THEM?”
I stood up and backed away as Tachyon approached me, my eyes widening. “What’s wrong Digital?” She asked, “afraid to ‘experiment’?”
“AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!” I Ran out of our dorm screaming, running harder than I had in my life.
Since the academy was crawling with Umas that I did not want to think about, I instead hid under a bridge near the river. It was nice, open, and had the perfect spot for me to think. I loved Dober, Tachyon, and King, but how was I supposed to tell both of them that? Not to mention that this was a blatant violation of the otaku code! Going on a date with either of them was out of the question, no matter how much I loved them! But what if they feel terrible after I tell them that? I can’t make my oshis feel bad, that’s gotta be the biggest code violation ever! Why do all these beautiful beings want to date a loser like me anyway!?
I paced back and forth trying to come up with a solution, but my ears perked up as I heard very familiar music. It was one of the winning concert songs, and it was coming from under the bridge. I peaked out the corner to see Smart Falcon dancing to a song. That’s right. She always came here to practice at this time. But then, when she was doing one of her spins, we locked eyes. Crap. I tried to get away, only to feel a tug on the back of my uniform. “Where do you think you’re going? ☆”
I slowly, meekly turned around, my eyes refusing to meet Falco’s. “H-hi Falco… uhhh nice weather we’re having right?” I nervously chuckled.
“Mhm! The air is so nice in the morning, don’t you think? You know, it’s kind of romantic that we meet each other like this! ☆”
NOT FALCO TOO!! “Asqqksbcuxwuh?”
“I know you come to all my concerts, Digitan. Now you’re coming to one that no one else can see,” she somehow stepped even closer to me. “I can show you even more concerts if you’d like… forever!”
“AGAHGWGSHSHEHASSOMUCHRIZZWHATTT!!?!??!!?” I blurted out, clutching the sides of my head. “Well uh… uhm… agaiwjdguduxwuhhh… I would like that, but- GAH!“
Falco cut me off, swooping me in for a hug. “Yay! I have so much to show you! ☆”
“Y-you see Falco, the thing is-”
“Digitan~” I heard a high pitched, but soothing voice speak. My tail stiffened straight up. I could tell from the voice alone it was Curren Chan. “Remember that one time you super chatted me $20?”
“You did that?” Falco’s grip on me got tighter.
“Y-yeah…” I sheepishly muttered.
“Well, you know that if you donate more than $10 to a streamer you’re baaasically married~”
“WHAT!?!?!?”
“What?” Falco furrowed her brow, “that doesn’t even make sense!”
“Shhh,” Curren put her mouth over her lip. “You’re my biggest fan, isn’t that right Digitan~?”
Falco chuckled, swaying me away from Curren. “Haha, nice joke Curren! But she’s MY biggest fan! ☆”
Curren strode up in front of my face as Falco tried to back us away from her. “Well, how much has she donated YOU?” She said, her smug smile on full display.
“AAAAHSGXUKSWAICANTTAKETHIIIISSS!!!” I slipped out of Falco’s grasp and started running. I could hear them chasing after me as I foolishly dashed back to tracen academy. I ran head first into Dober.
“Digitan! Are you ok!?”
“Oouuuughghhgghhhhhh…” my eyes fluttered open and I was awestruck by Dober’s beauty. Her hair perfectly flowed in the wind as she extended her hand to pick me up. She looked so luscious, so precious…
…and then Falco caught up. She looked right over my face on the opposite side of Dober, her radiant smile cut through whatever clouds were in mind. “I think you really oughta take my hand instead!” She said. My hand stopped. “Come on! You’re my biggest fan right? An Umadol has gotta support her fans!”
And then Curren arrived, standing at my side and extended her hand. Her stance and the way she bent over was so unbelievably cute it almost made my brain short circuit. “Remember, we’re pretty much married~” she teased.
Then even worse, King Halo stood by my side as well. “Hmph! What are you doing with all of these Umas Digitan? You do know that you deserve nothing but the most first rate one, correct?” She extended her hand, “make the right choice.”
Agnes Tachyon somehow found a way to weave into the crowd between everyone. “Come on everyone. I’m her roommate. I’m scientifically more gay for her than all of you combined. Mathematically she is most probable to fall for me.” She too, extended her hand.
“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” I ended up being able to stand up on my own and booked it again, everyone else following behind. They chased me through the halls of Tracen Academy, until finally I came face to face with a wall. When I turned around I saw nothing but hungry, needy Umas who all wanted my attention.
“No where left to run, Digitan~” Curren teased as they all began closing in on me, “you have no choice but to be mine!”
“Don’t you want to support your #1, Digitan?” Falco said, “you make me feel so supported every day, I just want to return the favor! ☆”
“Hmph! If you’re looking for #1, then look no further!” King retorted. “Join me, Digitan! We can make our first rate dreams come true together!”
“I want to see what your heart contains, digital.” Tachyon said, “…mostly metaphorically. Ok maybe literally.”
“Make the right choice, Digitan.” Dober said, “we’ve come so far together. I want our relationship to blossom forever.”
“…No.” I firmly stated.
Dober’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“I choose NO ONE!”
“HUH!?” All of the oshis gasped in shock.
“Umamusume are heaven’s gift to simps like me! They deserve to dwell among other goddesses, not low lifes! I’m not a yumeshipper! You shouldn’t be fighting over someone as lowly as me! You all deserve better than this and you know it! I don’t want my favs to fight, I want them to be happy with each other instead!”
“Ah… I get it now,” Falco said. “Basically what you’re trying to say is, instead of fighting over you we should all be in a polycule with you!”
The rest of the Oshis responded with a resounding “Oooooh!” I was dumbfounded, my mouth agape.
“Of course! How could I have missed the solution to such a simple equation!” Tachyon said.
“I know right? She writes about polycules all the time.”
“WAIT! THATS NOT WHAT IM SAYING- AAHHHH!!1!1!1!” It was too late, all of my oshis spoiled on top of me.
I screamed as I woke up. Still trying to find my bearings to reality, I realized that everything that just happened was a dream. After my breathing steadied, I sighed in relief.
Tachyon also rose from her bed in response to my cry. “What’s the matter, Digital? Are you distressed?”
“Oh Tachyon I had a horrible nightmare….. All of my top Oshis started falling for me all at once!”
“…how interesting. Most people would describe that as a pleasant dream, but you are unique in that aspect I suppose.”
“Well, at least it’s over now,” I lied back in bed, trying to get shut-eye again. “I don’t have to worry about Dober confessing to me or anything…”
“Oh, actually that part wasn’t a dream. She knocked on the door in the middle of the night and confused me for you.”
“WHAAAAAAAATTT!1?1?!1?”