Work Text:
Feng Xin was holding Mu Qing tightly while Rouye was tightly bound around his other hand. They were dangerously low, lava wasn’t even a foot below them. He was breathing heavily, he had half a mind to yell at the other man but chose not to. He had to find a way to fight off the spirits that were closing in on them from below. Just as he was about to speak Mu Qing cut him off, “It’s ok, you can let go now.”
Feng Xin jolted upright in bed. It wasn’t real, he hadn’t gotten there in time. He could feel his hands shaking as he pulled the covers off himself and stood up. Mu Qing fell, and he didn't get there in time to catch him. His chest felt tight and his limbs too heavy, the same dream again. The good dream, the one he’d have nightly just to wake up to reality. He wasn’t good enough, he hadn’t gotten there in time. The two phrases rang in his head along with the last things he had said to Mu Qing. Accusing him of being a traitor just like he always did, he’d always thought the worst of him even though he knew deep down he was trying to help in his own way.
His hands blindly felt around for an outer robe in the dark of the room. He couldn’t stay here, when he finally felt the fabric he was looking for he slipped the robe on and grabbed where he thought his boots were. Once he had them on he shoved his way out the door and went for the entrance to his new palace. It was early in the morning and none of his deputies were present. He wouldn’t have wanted them to see the state he was in anyways, his hair was a mess he hadn’t bothered to fix, his robe was the one from yesterday, it still had dirt on it from a mission he’d gone on in the mortal realm. When he got outside he couldn’t help but stare across the avenue in front of him. In the previous heavenly capital Mu Qing’s palace had been across from his own, he’d rarely be able to leave his palace without running into him. The more he thought about it he could almost hear him make fun of the state of him, he’d always had something to point out about the way he was dressed or how he’d put his hair up.
He didn’t linger long, he hated the constant reminder just leaving his own palace. He descended to the mortal realm in a flash, he was just outside a large grove of cherry blossoms. After they had made it back from Mount Tonglu, neither he nor Xie Lian had spoken much. Feng Xin had quietly left on his own despite protest from many other heavenly officials. No one knew where he’d gone and he’d left for several days. He’d gone to a spot he remembered long ago, somewhere he knew no one else would disturb.
Almost two hundred years into their ascension Feng Xin had seen Mu Qing sneak off after the end of one of their missions. At the time he was itching for any reason to pick a fight and followed him intending to confront him about leaving his own deputies behind to just run off. He didn’t though, he watched Mu Qing find a nearby tree and create a Teleportation Array. He had no idea where he could possibly be running off too and quickly followed him through. When he saw where they’d gone he was stunned for a second, they weren’t far from where the old Capital of Xianle had been. He stayed silent and continued to follow Mu Qing as he weaved his way through a grove of cherry blossoms. When he saw where he stopped his face fell instantly, there was a large tree seemingly in the center and a small tombstone laid at its roots. Mu Qing had stood in front of it a moment before he spoke, “You really think I don’t know you’ve followed me here.”
Feng Xin didn’t know if he should leave or not, this wasn’t what he’d wanted. His previous plan to confront him for leaving had been forgotten and he felt ashamed of himself. Before he had a chance to think of what he should say Mu Qing spoke first, “It doesn’t matter why you followed to begin with. You’ve already seen.”
He seemed to take a moment to think before he sighed and knelt in front of the grave, “This is where my mother is buried. She died shortly after I returned to the lower court. She was sick.” He didn’t say anymore and took out a small offering from his sleeve placing it near the grave. “Do not tell anyone you know of this place.”
Feng Xin didn’t say anything but still knelt next to him to pay his respects. He didn’t know why he felt inclined to but Mu Qing made no move to stop him. After that they left in silence, Feng Xin hadn’t pried further but on the same day each year he noticed when Mu Qing left. Eventually he began to follow, and he brought offerings of his own. They never spoke, nor did they stay long. Something had changed though, their fights going forward felt less intense, almost as if neither of them really meant it anymore.
When Feng Xin opened his eyes he stared blankly for a moment at the grove in front of him. Mu Qing was walking ahead of him into the trees, he rounded the same corner he’d watched him go around a hundred times and Feng Xin sprinted to catch up. “Mu Qing!”
When he got around it he could only stare at the tombstones before him. Mu Qing wasn’t here anymore, he hadn’t been in a long time. He rubbed at his face unconsciously and kept walking until he was just in front of the large tree that protected the two slabs of stone. He knelt down before the newer of the two, the same way he had for many nights now. Despite how many times he had before the same grief managed to grip him just as strongly as the first time he’d come here alone. “I’m sorry.” It was barely a whisper but it was all he could offer now.
He hadn’t even had a body he could bring here when he’d first come. He’d felt so ridiculous when he’d set out to find a piece of stone that matched the first one that had been set there hundreds of years ago. It took time but he’d found one eventually, once he’d gotten it he didn’t know what he’d put on it. He didn’t know if Mu Qing would have even wanted this. In the end he’d simply put the two characters for his name on it, it was some of the best handwriting he could manage, nowhere near as nice as the one next to it. After it was set down he’d stayed there for days. Sometimes talking, sometimes just staring at the stone before him. He’d apologized a hundred times over and it still didn’t feel like enough. He’d apologized for not trying to understand him, for not talking to him, for not trying to be his friend and finally for never telling him how he’d truly felt. That stung the most when he said it out loud.
He wasn’t sure when he’d first started to notice the exhilaration when they fought, the way he could throw everything else away and focus on nothing but the man in front of him. The way his heart would speed up only afterwards when they were both exhausted and sitting on the ground and Mu Qing would pull his hair down after how messed up it would get when they fought. It framed his face beautifully, he was still stunning even while bruises formed on his cheek and eye and his nose was bleeding from how hard Feng Xin had hit him. Feng Xin was covered in bruises as well but the physical pain of the fights never mattered. It was one of few ways he and Mu Qing were ever close to one another. He reveled in it, even when they were hurling insults at each other it never mattered. They were never sincere and they would still always protect each other and have each others’ backs when it mattered.
He also couldn’t help but stare when they were in meetings, Mu Qing always made sure he looked his best whenever the gods would meet in the palace of divine might. He’d always wear dark robes that made his pale skin shine, and elegantly tie his long hair up with many different ornate guans to hold it in place. He’d catch when Mu Qing would look over and glare at him if he stared too long but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He thought that he would have eternity to admire at a distance, to stay by his side even if they never became anything more. Maybe that was why he never said anything, that and the fear that he’d immediately be rejected. He could never tell what was happening in Mu Qing’s head, he could tell their relationship improved but not to what extent. He hoped at least Mu Qing had realized that he didn’t hate him.
Staring at the stone in front of him Feng Xin only bowed his head. He really hoped that Mu Qing knew that he didn’t hate him, he hadn’t ever hated him even when they were mortals serving Xie Lian after he fell. Even when Mu Qing left he couldn’t bring himself to hate him no matter how angry he’d seemed. He had so many things he wished he’d said allowed, so many things he could only sit here and hope Mu Qing had known. He stayed with his head bowed and spoke quietly, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there in time, I’m sorry I wasn’t more honest. I should’ve made sure you knew I had never hated you. I should’ve told you I loved you, I’m sorry it’s too late.”