Work Text:
Nanoha feels bitter coldness surrounding her body. Panic is her first response, before her trained senses immediately take over as she tries to ascertain the condition. She moves to open her eyes, but her vision seems to blur and out of her control. Next, she tries to move her arms and legs, and becomes alarmed when she feels nothing there. Cold sweat forms on her forehead as she desperately tries to move something, anything, of her body. It fails.
The girl feels her breath beginning to speed up as her mind manually attempts to calm it down. With the limited vision she has left, Nanoha tries to search for something from the void in front of her as a last attempt, but to no avail. The cold continues to overwhelm her senses. And as she drifts off again, she notes the sensation she felt. Or rather, the lack of sensation.
She feels nothing.
Nanoha wakes up to her natural alarm feeling warm all over. With groggy eyes, she looks around to observe her surroundings. The sun has risen high and is shining its rays over the room, making her notice that she woke up later than her usual time. Feeling her body unusually heavy, she glances down and is surprised to see that all of the blankets on the bed are on top of her.
“Huh, that's weird,” Nanoha quietly says. The now awoke girl must have hogged all the blankets when she was asleep.
Nanoha feels a stir from beside her, and a chuckle slips out when she realizes what it was. Fate is currently nuzzling her body to the side of Nanoha’s, and notably with no blankets covering her. Feeling the blonde's small tremble from the chill, Nanoha swiftly moves the blankets stacked atop of her and slides it over her lightly covered body.
The auburn haired girl glances down at the sleeping girl’s figure and couldn't help but smile. She unconsciously reaches her hand out to tidy the blonde bangs and immediately stops when she realizes what she did.
‘Fate-chan is just too adorable,’ she whispers to herself. Nanoha has always loved this time of day. Having a peak at the blonde beauty's vulnerable look is one of the privileges she has as her roommate, and she would be damned if she doesn’t take advantage of the perks while at it. Her gaze slowly travels to the girl’s pink lips, and without her brain even noticing it her hands follow down to graze it softly. When Nanoha notices her hand though, her body jumps involuntarily. A hint of terror creeps out from the back of her mind as her hands suddenly tremble over the sleeping girl's delicate frame.
Withdrawing her hand, Nanoha glances down at her still trembling fingers in confusion. She immediately brushes it off and switches focus when a voice from her device reminds her of her schedule for today. Even with her focus now shifted, Nanoha still can't help but wonder.
What was that all about?
Her fingers feel weirdly chilly throughout her preparation for work, before noticing it was gone by the time of her lunch break.
“Nanoha, you alright?” A petite red headed girl asks as she places her juice on the table between them. Nanoha’s spoon was halfway to her mouth when Vita asked the sudden question. Wrong time too since it’s coincidentally the last bite of her soup. Nanoha quickly sips it before answering.
“Hm? Is there something wrong with my performance today, Vita-chan?”
“Nah, you’re still in top form just as usual. Even so, we’ve known each other for what, nearly ten years now? You could say I know when there’s something on your mind.” Vita says in her usual straightforward way.
Nanoha feels surprised when she honestly shouldn’t. It's a bad habit, she guesses. She still isn’t used to other people being so attentive to her even after she has grown up.
“Just a strange thing that happened this morning, that's all.” Nanoha gave her the usual bright smile as she responded. Vita looks back at her in a disbelieving stare.
“Nyahaha… It’s really not that serious, really.”
Vita gives her one last glare before she gives up and goes back to drink her juice. They sit there in comfortable silence for a while before Vita notices Nanoha staring at something in the distance. She cocks her head, and grins. She starts to casually stand and places her now empty carton of juice in Nanoha’s head. “Yeah, your head is definitely in the clouds today. Or should I say you're awestruck by lightning?”
Nanoha turns back to look at her with a questioning stare. “You’re beginning to confuse me, Vita-chan.”
“Did something happen with Fate?”
Nanoha frowns at the question. “What does Fate-chan have to do with this?”
“You were staring at her. Hard. You’re lucky that the cafeteria is packed or else she would have noticed your stare by now.” Vita says as she points to Fate’s figure in the distance.
Nanoha’s eyes shoot up in surprise at her statement. “I was staring?” she asks in a quizzical tone.
Vita raises one brow at her question. “You didn’t notice?”
Nanoha contemplates on the question for a moment, not knowing how to respond. This is the second time today that her body moved on its own, and it’s honestly scaring her a bit. She wipes her sweaty hand on her skirt as her mind overthinks on why this is happening all of a sudden. Her mind returns to reality when she feels Vita shaking her body lightly.
“Yeah, something is definitely off. Want to talk?”
Nanoha lightly shakes her head at the offer. “I wouldn’t even know what to say. Maybe a good night's sleep later would help.” She gave her best lopsided smile at the red head. Vita frowns at the response. A good glance at the auburn haired girl and anybody would think she isn’t alright right now, and would probably dial an emergency number to contact Shamal that instant.
“I know you will definitely refuse if I said to take a break today, so I’ll compromise and offer a one hour break. I’ll take care of your paperwork if you can’t finish it by today. How about it?”
Nanoha gives her an honest smile as she pat Vita on the head. “You know me so well, Vita-chan.”
Vita grunts and puts on her best annoyed face, shooing away the taller girl’s hand in the process. “Ugh, whatever.”
Vita busies herself with something on the floating monitor while Nanoha cleans up her lunch. She focuses on her task before hearing the red haired girl call for her again.
“By the way, Nanoha?”
“Hm?” she acknowledged half-heartedly.
“Your hands are shaking.”
The auburn haired girl stops in her tracks and notices the way her right hand is shakingly holding the plate. Goosebumps appear behind her neck and Nanoha inwardly realizes this reaction is definitely not normal.
“You know what, Vita-chan? Maybe I could use that half day break.”
“It’s rare to see you voluntarily here, Nanoha-chan.” Shamal says as she spotted the auburn haired girl near the entrance of the medical room. Nanoha gives her best nervous smile and scratches the back of her neck before finally entering. The blonde notices the way the young girl uncomfortably places herself on the seat near one of the desks.
“Something bothering you?” Shamal asks with a soft smile on her face.
Nanoha jumps a little at the question. “No, uhm, it’s just that I feel really bad consulting you when I’m not really sure what’s wrong with me today,” she replies shyly as her gaze turns to the floor.
“One of our jobs is to find out what exactly is wrong, Nanoha-chan,” Shamal says as she places her hand on one of Nanoha’s knees, “You don’t have to feel bad about anything.” Nanoha visibly relaxes at the gesture. She takes a deep breath and contemplates on how she would say what exactly she feels is happening.
“Well, lately I found myself noticing that my body sometimes moves on its own will. It doesn’t happen often, but since a week ago it has happened more frequently and I think it's now producing side effects too.”
“Can you tell me what these symptoms are?”
“The most frequent ones are when I unconsciously stare off at a distance and only snap out after some time, other times I find my hand reaching or touching something I wasn’t supposed to. In addition to that, a couple of days ago my body also seems to be attracted to who knows what and when I realized it I have been following someone for a couple minutes. It’s honestly getting a little scary.”
Shamal strongly concentrates on each word that comes out of Nanoha’s mouth, and she can’t seem to wipe the little smile she has the more she listens.
“If I could take an educated guess, does this symptom always occur when you’re with a certain someone? For example, a long haired blonde with burgundy eyes?”
Nanoha's face flushes as she thinks back to all the time her body unconsciously moves on its own. She slowly nods her head at Shamal’s accusation. The blonde only smiled brighter in response. Shamal urges her to continue her story.
“So, uhm, yeah, it always happens whenever Fate-chan is around. Though this morning something out of the ordinary happened. When I woke up, my body felt inwardly cold even though I knew it was warmer than usual with Fate-chan clinging to my body and all the blankets on the bed stacked on top of me. And when my body unconsciously moves on its own again, it started trembling when I noticed what happened. The tremble lasted for a couple of hours. I started sweating profusely too, and Vita-chan even mentioned that I turned pale for a second,” Nanoha explains as she recalls all that happened to her today. Shamal continues to listen while nodding her head and scribbling down something on the board in her hands.
After seeing that Nanoha has finished with her story, Shamal straightens her back and asks a question. “Nanoha-chan, before I continue, there’s an important question I have to ask. Have you realized your feelings for Fate-chan?”
The blush on Nanoha’s face returns as she jitters in her seat. Her right hand begins fidgeting while she wipes her sweaty left hand on her skirt. Calming her own state of panic, Nanoha inhales deeply and practices a breathing technique that's meant to calm her down. After settling her emotions, her gaze went up to Shamal’s face to see her calming expression that told that her secret is safe with her. Feeling secured, Nanoha let out a shallow breath as her gaze looked straight into the blonde eyes.
“I am aware that I’m in love with Fate-chan.” Nanoha’s voice is steady as she voices out this declaration.
“That’s good,” Shamal responds. “Then, do you realize that your unconscious actions arouse from that feeling?”
Nanoha’s serious expression breaks as she tilts her head in confusion, “Eh, what does my feelings have to do with my actions?”
Shamal lets out a little sigh as she calmly explains to the older teen in front of her. “You see Nanoha, I’m not entirely blaming you for this since you basically skipped high school education, but at your age you should have known this by now.” The blonde doctor takes on a serious stance as she stares at Nanoha like she’s about to reveal a groundbreaking secret. “Excessive hormones usually lead to an increase in desire.”
“No, even I know that much Shamal. But what does that have to do with my predicament?”
“We should run some tests on this just in case, but there’s a chance that your excessive hormones, probably heightened too because of your high magical power, unconsciously moved on its own desire. Your high working ethic in your teens and early pubescent years may have some factor in it too.” Shamal explains in the most professionally sounding words she can think of.
Silence filled the room for some moment. Nanoha was the first to speak up.
“So, Shamal, what you’re saying is…” Nanoha trails off for a second, regaining her thoughts. “That I’m just repressed and really fucking horny, and it led my body to act on its own wants without consulting,” her finger points to her head, “my mind?” Shamal slowly nods, and prepares herself for the reactions she has to manage.
She sees Nanoha slowly stand up. Shamal follows along.
Nanoha turns towards the door, so she also turns.
Then, when Nanoha starts sprinting for the door, Shamal perfectly predicted her move and was already blocking the only exit of the room.
“I’m so embarrassed I could die! I’m fucking eighteen god damn it, this can’t be happening to me!” Nanoha’s beat red face protests as she struggles to escape from the cage she’s been trapped in.
“Now, now, Nanoha-chan. You’re still technically a teen if we’re going by earth’s biological standards, so it’s okay for you to feel this way.”
“I thought hormones were the least of my worries all this time since I perfectly managed to control them when I was working through my early teenage years,” Nanoha lets out in a disappointed tone as she moves to the corner of the room. “It turns out even my sexual desire goes full power full throttle…” The unusual use of her catchphrase along with the rare devastated expression on Nanoha’s face causes Shamal’s calm mask to crack for a second as she desperately tries to hold back a chuckle.
“Uhum!” Shamal fake-cough lightly into her fist, “Setting that aside, Nanoha-chan, there’s something else I want to focus on.” Nanoha turns around from her crouching spot in her corner to pay attention to what the doctor has to say. “While your action isn’t exactly the problem, I think that side effect is of some concern. You said that your fingers started trembling, panic sets in, and you feel cold all over your whole body, correct?”
“I didn’t exactly say that much, but sure. Because it really feels like it would come to that if it happened again.” Shamal nods again at Nanoha’s answer.
“I’m afraid this is also from a psychological reaction.”
Nanoha rolls her eyes at the doctor’s statement. “Great. Does this mean I’m horny squared or what?”
Shamal raises an eyebrow at that. “No, Nanoha-chan. This means you’ve got some trauma going on that we have to figure out the cause of before it impacts your daily life.”
Nanoha is shocked for a second, but moments later her now calm mind ruminates over the words that came out of the doctor's mouth. She tries to remember anything that could lead her to have an adverse reaction to Fate. “I’m sorry, Shamal. I don’t have the slightest idea on what it could be.” Nanoha sadly says. Shamal gives her an encouraging smile as she places her hand on her shoulder.
“It’s okay, just ponder on it for a while in your room, and we can figure it out together next time, alright? You can think about it while getting some rest. Having two traumatic episodes in one day is tiring.”
Nanoha feels like she’s floating in the air, though it’s different from the one she’s used to.
From her vision, she observes small sources of light far in the distance. Nanoha blinks a couple of times to clear her sight before realizing her vision isn’t going to focus any further. Giving up on that, she starts to search for anything else around her. She saw a red gem floating not far from her. It seems familiar. Then, turning her head to the left, she was amazed to see something so big she’s speechless. Maybe the biggest thing she’s ever seen.
A blend of green in a variety of shapes on its surface, while the light surrounding it makes it seem to glow. It’s beautiful, Nanoha thinks. She tries to move her hand to reach for it, and is surprised to see her hands battered and bloody. Since when was she hurt? How come she doesn’t feel anything?
Nanoha tries moving her right hand and immediately notices that something is wrong. Dull. That’s the sensation she felt from her right side. Looking down, she’s even more surprised now to see her right hand missing from the spot it should have occupied. Her breathing speeds up as she realizes the implication. She felt powerless. Her vision begins to blur as dread builds up in her mind.
Calm, stay calm, she tries to rationalize.
Once again, Nanoha attempts to clear the fog obstructing her senses. Blinking once. Twice. And then finally, as a flash of white engulf her vision—
Nanoha wakes up in her bed.
She groggily sits up as her left hand begins rubbing her eyes to clear her sight. Outside the window the sun is still out and about, making the sleepy girl realize she only slept for a short while. She was just about to get out of bed when she heard the door opening, revealing a girl with long blonde hair entering the room. The girl seems to search the room before their gaze finally meets. It feels like an eternity and a second pass at the same time as their eyes lock onto each other. In the end, the blonde broke eye contact first.
“I heard you took a half day break. How are you feeling, Nanoha?” Fate asks as she starts walking over to their bed with a concerned smile.
“I feel fine now, just woke up from a nap.”
“I hope I didn’t accidentally wake you?”
Nanoha shakes her head. “Not at all.” She reaches her hand out to the approaching figure as the blonde reciprocates and intertwines their fingers together. Fate frowns as their hands connect, bringing her hand up to Nanoha’s forehead and using her sleeves to wipe the sweat.
“Are you sure you don’t have a fever? You’re sweating.”
Nanoha attempts to laugh it off, but falters when she sees Fate’s worried frown. “Trust me, Fate-chan, I don’t have a fever. I went to Shamal too just in case,” she explains before something pops up in her mind. “Actually, why are you home, Fate-chan? Your work doesn’t end until a couple more hours.”
Fate lets out a sheepy smile at her question. “I finished all my urgent tasks immediately when I heard you weren’t feeling well. Figured you would need some company.”
Nanoha feels her face heating up hearing Fate’s honest answer. ‘Honestly, this girl is just too cute,’ she grumbles to herself. Wanting to pinch the adorable girl’s cheek, she tries to raise her right arm. It fails. Her arm isn’t responding. Nanoha’s eyes went wide as her attention now focused on her still right hand. She tries once again, and turns alarmed when it doesn’t respond. Her eyes shot a desperate look at the confused standing girl in front of her.
Nanoha breathes in as much air as she can before uttering her next word. “Fate-chan, I can’t move my right arm.”
Before she could utter another word the blonde in swift motion already found herself crouched down near the bed to gently hold Nanoha’s limp hand. She first began to lay her palm on top of it. “Can you feel my hand?” Nanoha shakes her head as her breathing begins to quicken. Next, Fate gently lifts the arm up to the height of their chest. “What about now?” Nanoha shakes her head again. Lastly, Fate bends the arm to a flexing motion as she searches the cobalt eyes for answers. It doesn’t seem to work either. She slowly lays the hand down as she ponders over the situation.
“Weird. With how advanced it is, the prosthetic shouldn’t have any problems for at least another decade. Why malfunction now…?” her thoughts derail when she notices the distressed girl on the bed. Fate gives the left hand she still has intertwined a light squeeze before using her other hand to cup the girl’s face.
“Hey, it’s going to be okay. How are you feeling now?” Fate questions in a soft voice. Nanoha’s vision was unfocused at the moment, seemingly to focus and blur in a repeated motion. The heavy feeling on her right side also feels uncomfortable against her body. Even with all that, her mind doesn’t seem to be able to process them as it is filled with something else that bothered her even more.
“I feel cold. My entire body feels cold.” Nanoha lifts her head to try and gaze into the other girl’s clear eyes. Fate met her gaze with an intensity she rarely used, encouraging her to continue. Nanoha lets out what’s in her mind.
“My rational side knows there is nothing wrong. This hand is unlike a real one. One that can be fixed or serviced when needed. It’s normal for it to feel nothing there. But—” Nanoha let out a choked sound before continuing, “My body and mind can’t help but panic and I don’t know why.” Nanoha breaks their contact to guide the blonde’s hand to her cheeks. “Fate-chan, can you use your healing spell on me?”
Fate looks over her in concern, “You know it wouldn’t work for your prosthetic. Wait, are you physically hurt? My healing is mediocre at best, you should see Shamal again for that,” she says as her thumb begins rubbing her cheeks in a back and forth motion.
“Please,” Nanoha pleads weakly, almost desperate. “I just know I need it right now.”
Discerning Nanoha’s tone as one of seriousness, Fate obliges without further question. Yellow particles start to form around the two girls as a soft light highlights their figure. Nanoha noticeably relaxed as the light hue continues to swirl around them. “It’s warm,” Nanoha mumbles while nuzzling into the taller girl's palm on her cheek. Fate lets out a relieved smile at that and shifts to sit on the bed next to her. They stay there for a minute. Maybe two. The time doesn’t matter. What counts are their steady heartbeats as their breathing falls in line with each other. The chilling feeling begins to fade from Nanoha’s body as it’s replaced with the warmth of their presence.
“It’s alright. I’m not alone in this,” Nanoha tries to convince herself. Fate raises a brow at that, but decides not to comment. The taller girl leans closer to touch their foreheads together. Nanoha closes her eyes and allows herself to enjoy the sensation, her problems and fear all forgotten. In a moment of weakness, her true feelings come forth.
“Fate-chan, you know that I love you right?” Nanoha whispers seemingly to herself. Fate’s body shudders at the sudden confession. She lets out a sound of acknowledgment after some time, though her own voice betrays her as her shock is clear as day. “What, so you didn’t realize at all even after all this time?” Nanoha teases in a low voice, still content and not wanting to break the moment.
“Give me a break, Nanoha. You act affectionately to all your friends,” Fate pouts as she answers, a light dust of pink taking presence in the adorable girl’s cheek.
“Even when it was obvious to anyone who saw us together?”
“Look at it from my point of view,” Fate uses her other hand to gently pat the auburn hair. “The girl I admire and have loved since I was nine always gives her all to everyone she meets, can’t fault me for thinking that I was maybe just one of the people she saved.”
Nanoha shakes her head lightly, slowly opening her eyes. “You’re special.”
Fate’s pout turns into a smile at that. “I see. Thank you.”
“Will you let me give all my love to you then?” Nanoha hesitantly asks, not noticing her own quivering voice. “Sorry for asking so many questions,” Nanoha distanced herself as she spoke, shivering as the warmth from their contact disappeared from her skin. Fate, in response, enfold Nanoha into a hug and squeezes her until they reach a steady hold, shocking the shorter girl considerably. The blonde rubs her back in a circular motion, calming the girl down once more. Nanoha buries herself in the crook of her neck at the comfortable touch.
“Of course. You can love me as much as you want,” Fate softly says with affection clear in the way she said every word.
“It won’t be a bother?” she buries her head deeper into the blonde's neck, noticing tears starting to form from the corner of her eyes.
“I’ve dealt with your headstrong and occasional overwhelming nature for ten years and never once have I felt it to be bothersome. I’ve thought about it over and over, and have come to the realization that I don't mind dealing with it my whole life.” Fate confesses truthfully, and looks down when she notices the girl not saying anything. “Did I say something wrong?”
A choked laugh was her only response before the girl in her embrace began to slowly cry in the hug, clinging to her with her only functioning hand with all the strength she has. Fate resigns herself to her role as they stay like that for as long as Nanoha needs.
“You can love me all you want. Drown me, suffocate me in them, and I’ll welcome it.” Fate continues to say as she stares up into the ceiling, her hand still rubbing circles on the girls back.
“In return, let me be the anchor that prevents you from drifting away with the wind.”
It turns out there really was nothing wrong with Nanoha’s right hand. After a quick maintenance, the feel of her right hand came back as she felt all the previous tension leave her body.
“Thank you once again, Mary. Sorry to have troubled you,” the auburn haired girl apologized as she inspected her hand, moving it around to test the functions.
“No problem, Nanoha-san, I should be the one to say sorry instead. I didn’t expect the sensory software to overheat after all this time. When adjusting prosthetics, we usually set the systems to be able to match the intensity of transmission they have at the time of the settings. We forgot to take your growth into account when installing it back then. For that I formally apologize for my grave mistake.” She bows her head low before standing back up after Nanoha reassures her that it’s of no trouble.
“Actually, it would be more reasonable for it to start malfunctioning years ago. Did something happen recently?” the mechanic questions innocently with a tilt of her head, unaware of the effect that question has on Nanoha. The girl thought hard, linking the information she had after consulting with Shamal and the one she just got. A blush crept up her face as she concluded the answer. Taking a deep breath and a moment to hide her embarrassment, Nanoha was just about to explain truthfully before seeing Fate waiting for her next to the door, seemingly intent on listening to the answer. Shamal’s words and her own conclusion immediately come to mind.
‘No, no, no. I can’t just explain to them that my repressed desire to touch Fate-chan caused my arm to overheat!’ Nanoha thinks to herself in panic. When she sees how both the enforcer and mechanic were still waiting patiently for her answer, she quickly fumbles out something random to clear their curiosity.
“It’s, uhm, puberty! Yeah, just like you said. Puberty causes my brain to go into overdrive or something. I speculate that because I spent my teens working it probably just went into effect when I finally allowed my mind to relax,” Nanoha explains while a small bead of sweat appears on her face. Thankfully, both girls seem to believe her explanation. Both the blonde and auburn haired girl quickly bid their goodbye to their long time acquaintance as they walk back to their room to rest.
“Nanoha.” Fate called out after they were out of hearing distance from the mechanic’s room.
“What is it, Fate-chan?”
“I still have some questions left on your arms condition. Seeing that you were fidgeting in your seat, I figured I would ask you after we’re alone since you don’t seem to be comfortable there.”
‘No, I’m more nervous of YOU hearing the truth,’ Nanoha let out a low chuckle to hide her nervousness. “What do you want to know?” Nanoha managed to start.
“Did you know that your right hand was having trouble before it completely shut down?” Fate asks as they continue their walk.
Nanoha shakes her head as her eyes still focus ahead. “I noticed this morning that my right hand seems to have some trouble, but there hasn’t been anything wrong lately so I just let it go.”
“So something from this morning triggered it?” Fate guessed.
Nanoha counters with her own opinion. “Or maybe a repeated intense emotion finally overloads the system.”
Fate frowned when she heard the statement. “What emotion?”
“Fear. Anxiousness. Remember my reaction when I noticed my hand stopped functioning?” Fate nods in response.
“It actually already happened twice today, though in smaller intensity. Starting from a couple of weeks ago I noticed that my body would sometimes move without me intending to, and when I realized it, I would break out in cold sweat and my hand starts to tremble.”
Fate places her hand on the short girl’s shoulder as they talk face to face, her expression clear with concern. “Are you okay now? Do you know why it happened?” Nanoha smiles at her in reassurance as she touches the concerned hand on her shoulder.
“Shamal said it’s probably a traumatic response. This is only my guess at the moment, but I think my body instantly switches to survival mode when I consciously realize the inability to control parts of my body, and I assume the system wasn’t able to keep up with the intense brainwave it caused,” Nanoha explains as they resume their walk.
“Do you have an idea on what the trauma stems from?”
“Probably that time in space from when we were 12.” Fate’s step halts for a moment when she hears the response. A small tinge of regret is visible on her as she stares into something far away. Nanoha looks back confused.
“Fate-chan?”
Fate shakes her head slightly. “Oh no, it’s nothing. I just felt an ache in my chest when I remembered the time I almost lost you.” She ended it off with a sad smile on her face.
Nanoha replies with a sad smile of her own, thinking back to that time where she recklessly put herself in danger without regard for the people who loved and cherished her. Both girls, as if like magnets, begin to intertwine their fingers together. “I can confidently say I have grown up quite a bit since then.”
Fate gives her a disbelieving look. “Don’t say that as if I didn’t catch you overworking and staying up for a week after I came back from a mission.”
Nanoha lets out a nervous laugh at that. “Nyahaha… that time was an exception.” It really was. Whether others believed it or not, Nanoha knew her own limits. After that incident, Nanoha always tries to the best of her ability to avoid getting near it. At that time, she guessed she still had a week and a few days left in her, logically speaking, so she decided to just get it over with (apparently all her friends disagreed with her).
“I decided then that I still have something to keep living for. A reason for me to live and love.”
Fate can already feel that her face is flushed as they continue to walk with their hands intertwined. “And what is it?”
“It just isn’t worth it. Seeing the person I love sad, that is.” Nanoha tilts her head up to smile at the taller girl. The blonde’s blush only grew. Nanoha lets out a chuckle at that.
“Besides, I don’t hate myself anymore. Honestly can’t find the strength in me to hate something the person I love loved. I found that it’s easier to love the person they grew to love too, even if I sometimes still struggle with it.”
With a new surge of confidence, Fate brings their hand up as she kisses the back of Nanoha’s hand. “I’d be glad to assist until loving yourself would be as common as breathing. Would you be willing to let me help?”
Nanoha can’t help the happiness that aroused from the bottom of her heart at the statement. She reaches her hand to pat the top of the girl’s head and messes with it to hide her embarrassment and the wide grin adorning her face. “N-Nanoha! My hair is getting all messy. You know how hard it is to get them tied up…”
“Sorry, sorry,” she says while retrieving her hand from the blonde hair. Seeing that Nanoha let go, Fate immediately went to smooth out all the loose strands. A sudden thought comes to Nanoha’s mind as her playful side starts to surface. She pulls the taller girl closer as she goes on her tiptoes.
“Geez, you’re lucky that we’re going back to our room after—” Fate’s sentence is abruptly cut when she feels warm lips over her own. Eyes going wide, Fate in a second realizes what’s happening and proceeds to lean closer to the kiss, putting her hand to the shorter girl’s waist. The kiss only lasted for a short moment before Nanoha pulled back and escaped from the blonde’s hold. Fate stood there mesmerized while the auburn haired was already starting to leave her behind.
“Fate-chan, I’ll lock you outside our room if you don’t start catching up.” That seems to pull back the blonde from her trance as she rushes to catch up.
“Nanoha! That’s not fair!” Fate half shouts as she runs over to her. Nanoha in return only walks even faster, seemingly determined to not let her catch up.
“Nyahaha, catch me if you can Fate-chan!” Nanoha turns from the approaching figure and starts running over to their room, heart full of happiness and the tingling feeling still stuck to her lips.
Oh, it feels so good to not repress her feelings.
It's cold, Nanoha thinks, as her gaze is fixed at the pitch black sky. Her vision blurs and clears for a moment, and when it finally stabilizes she tiredly notes how her right vision was strangely dark. She tries to move her right hand, but gives up as the dull pain coming from her right continues to discourage her. She notices Raising Heart floating not far from her. Cracked. Nanoha belatedly realized, she messed up.
Nanoha reaches her left hand out to the device as her eye starts to twitch from the tears threatening to spill out. "Finally," her voice cracks as she speaks, "It's finally over."
"I am truly sorry," Raising heart's mechanical voice sounds out.
The auburn haired girl only weakly shakes her head, "I’m sorry too." Nanoha truly does regret it. She failed her device by letting her guard down for a second.
Using her only functioning hand, she gently grabs Raising Heart’s damaged frame out of the air and brings it closer to her body. Nanoha attempts to hold back her tears and fears, not wanting to feel that feeling of weakness overwhelm her. She instead leans to the little proudness she felt. "I guess I could protect everyone like this."
"Without doubt," her device immediately responds without hesitation. A small smile forms when she hears her device's response. Maybe she isn't so powerless after all.
Nanoha can feel her eyelids growing tired as her mind drifts off to a white space. In the back of her mind, her rational side protests to keep awake. The battered girl, even in her weary state, knew resigning to drowsiness probably wasn't the right choice, hell she might not even wake up. Even then, she's just so tired. So exhausted. She can't do this anymore. She can't do it alone.
"It's fine then."
Nanoha can't feel anything from her body, not even Raising heart's cool surface in her palm. Her shallow breathing doesn't produce warmth like it naturally should. This floating sensation in the air is foreign to her, unlike when she's flying in the blue and warm sky she so loved. All Nanoha feels is the cold air. And worst of all, she's now by herself again. She should have expected it.
Her will falters, and she closes her eyes.
"I'm satisfied."
Nanoha thinks back to all the experiences she's been through and all the people she met and cherished. She recounts how powerless she felt back when she was young, and how it changed when she encountered magic. She remembers the smile of her family, of her friends, and of that girl she could finally reach. She hears them calling her name and inviting her while she stands far behind watching them calmly. A passing thought comes at her then. Will they cry for her?
Nanoha recounts all the people she held dear. Her parents, brother, and sister would be sad, but they would have each other to lean on. Arisa and Suzuka can find comfort in each other too. Hayate has her own family, now that everything has stabilized. Though she still regrets not being able to save Reinforce even with all the power she supposedly has. Actually, she regrets not being someone better now that she thinks about it. She feels an itch scratching at her heart like it's forgetting someone truly important.
The girl sadly thought of apologizing when a sad thought hit her with reality. Ah, it's already too late now, isn't it? Then, maybe not saying it would be okay. Saying sorry wouldn't make them smile anyway. Everybody should be in high spirits even when she's gone.
Nanoha absent mindedly thinks back to that girl with the sad eyes, that fragile form rejecting any help as she closes herself to everyone that tries to reach out. Her mind turns lighter as she fondly reminisces of how much that blonde girl has grown since then. She smiles so frequently now. Her shy smile that appears when complimented, that embarrassed look when she took hold of her hand, the wide teary grin after they finally reunited. She thinks of how everything would be replaced with that same sad eyes again from back then. It still hasn't been that long, isn't it?
.
.
.
No. She won't let that kind girl feel that way ever again.
The thought of that girl's tears tears at her heart so much she feels she would black out if she thought any longer. Her slowing heart began beating rapidly, like a dying machine suddenly being reignited from the imaginary pain she's feeling.
The day Nanoha would be gone from that girl's life would inevitably come, but now is not the time. She still hasn't given her so much. She still wants to be a part of that girl's life, supporting her through all the new things she will encounter. Even if she can't love herself, at least with all the power granted to her she wants to dedicate her love to making her happy.
"Someday, it will definitely come, you know? A time when you can come to love yourself."
Nanoha's thoughts drift back again to that kind girl with the prettiest smile she has ever seen. She looks down at their intertwined hands and it's like she could feel their warmth travel all the way into her heart. She sees the way her pretty lips move, and it's like she could hear her name being called with that sweet voice of hers. Maybe—if that girl would even allow it—Nanoha can find it by her side.
Yellow light slowly begins to appear all around, surrounding, and hugging her frail body.
And then suddenly, like having been pushed into a field of yellow flowers—
Everything is warm again.
Nanoha remembers the black void and the cold. She remembers feeling helpless and alone before visions of yellow particles filling her vision.
After that, all Nanoha feels is that she’s warm.
It was similar to a ray of sunlight that had shone to surround her body with its warmth. She feels content at the moment, and her sleepy mind rejects her natural bodies respond to wake up and get started on her day. She calmly try to discern the peaceful comfort she’s feeling. LIke her mind is at peace and her body can finally let down all their guard. The warmth covers her entire senses as she could feel herself drifting off again. Before resigning herself, Nanoha notices something, and stores the important sensation into some part of her mind. A small smile forms as she let herself get pulled into the land of slumber.
She feels safe.
Nanoha wakes up to her natural alarm feeling warm all over. With groggy eyes, she looks around to observe her surroundings. The sun has risen high and is shining its rays over the room, making her notice that she woke up later than her usual time. Feeling her body unusually heavy, she glances down and is not surprised to see a small blonde figure on top of her. A small smile appears on the now awake girl’s peaceful expression.
The woman feels a stir from beside her, and a chuckle slips out when she realizes what it was. Fate is currently nuzzling her body to her side. Nanoha deduced that the sleeping girl on top of her was unfairly moved so the blonde could be there cuddling beside her. Feeling the blonde woman trying to reach for something, Nanoha swiftly avoids the reach like she’s used to it before placing the child in the woman’s arms.
The auburn haired girl glances down at the sleeping girls’ figure and couldn't help but let out a big smile. She unconsciously reaches her hand out to tidy the blonde woman’s bangs and wipe the small blonde’s drool off her mouth.
“My girls are just too adorable,” she says while looking over them from her position.
Nanoha loves waking up early in the morning. Having the time to watch the two most precious people in her life asleep so peacefully has started to become the highlight of her day, and she would be damned if she doesn’t take advantage of any time they have together to appreciate how blessed she truly is. Her gaze slowly travels to the girl’s pink lips, and without her brain even noticing it she’s already leaning in to give the pretty lips a soft peck. When she pulls back, she’s surprised to see sleepy burgundy eyes staring at her.
“Sorry, did I wake you up?” Nanoha asks in an apologetic tone.
“You did, but it’s okay. I woke up to the best feeling in the world.” Fate slowly rubs her eyes before asking her own question. “What time is it?”
“A time early enough for you to be allowed to sleep in for a couple more minutes.” Nanoha rubs the woman’s hair before kissing the crown of her head. “Sweet dreams, I’ll wake the both of you up when breakfast is ready.” Fate responds with a sweet smile as she snuggles the small body in her arms closer to her. Nanoha sees Vivio’s slight discomfort but doesn’t have the heart to separate the girl from her mother’s hold.
“Thank you, Nanoha. I love you,” the blonde says before going back to sleep. Nanoha can feel a surge of happiness filling her heart as that word manages to motivate her more than anything else in the world. Once again, she gives the sleeping woman a peck on her cheek, not forgetting to kiss the blonde kid also (who seemed to relax after receiving it).
“I love you too,” she replies with love filling every ounce of the word.
“Master, are you happy?” a mechanical voice suddenly sounds out, startling her for a second out of her happiness stupor. Nanoha sees a red ball gem flying a couple feet in front of her.
“Geez, Raising Heart. You surprised me.” Nanoha thinks back to the question. A warm bed. Her own family. It’s like anything she could have ever asked for.
“I am. The happiest I could ever be,” she pauses to think of words to say before continuing. “I’m glad I lived. I’m glad I could provide them a warm place they could call home.” Raising Heart continues to reverberate in the air.
“Then, have you forgiven yourself?”
Nanoha flashes a quick smile as she answers like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“If I don’t have faith in myself, how can I give them the best love I can offer?” The woman’s smile seems to represent all the experiences she has encountered. All the feelings she has come across and realized on her own. One that is so true and certain of what it wants and wishes to protect.
Raising heart glows and stops saying anything like she’s satisfied.
“So, it’s okay, little me,” Nanoha reassures the little girl in her, recalling a past and a part of herself that will continue to accompany her. “It is just as you said. Happiness will definitely come.”
“Happiness did come.”