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It was almost midnight, and the room was empty. Dewey and Isaac have fallen asleep. It's been a rough day today for them in the Rebellion after all.
Till was still recovering from the surgery in his vocal cords half a day ago. His vocal cords were still damaged after losing and being shot in Round 7. He can barely speak. Only through whispers. Ironic how someone who actually loves singing and music, is in danger of becoming mute.
He loved a lot of things. Art, composing music.. But he loved someone, not something, even more. Evelynna.
She was his childhood best friend, his beloved, and his support through everything. He still remembers the day they first met in ANAKT garden. He had seen her near a pond, lonely and anxious, trying to fix the bow on her hair and just looking at her reflection in the water. He had approached her out of curiosity and admiration, which lead him to ask if he can draw her.
That's how they became friends. They were practically inseperable from each other. Always playing games together, even when they were with the other kids in ANAKT garden, both of them were somehow there too.
Till was having a strange feeling. A strange aura around the room. He was feeling cold, his neck that was still healing was hurting more, and his head was aching. What was happening?
It was now midnight. The air from the half-open window blew through the curtains. He found it odd. Suddenly, the ache in his neck and head was increasing, all until, a faint form appeared in the room.
Till could not believe his eyes. This form with a surrounding faint light..was..
"Till.. It's been 3 years."
It was Evelynna. Evelynna's spirit.
She was talking to him.
"What..What is happening..!? Someone...wake me up..!" Till panicked and breathed heavily, about to scream.
"Shhh.. I know. I know what you're thinking right now. But please, stay calm. Stay calm."
HOW was he supposed to stay calm?? When he sees his dead girlfriend's spirit out of the sudden at midnight? Anyone would freak out.
Till yelled, as much as he was able to, of course. "HOW. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STAY CALM? WHEN A GHOST APPEARS ALL OF THE-" She came behind him and closed his mouth. Everyone was sleeping, she had to shush him somehow. "Shhh..Stay quiet. For me. Please." Evelynna pleaded. She wanted him to listen for once.
She removed her hands from his face. She was sensing he was about to cry..
"Evelynna.. What are you doing here..?" Till began to sob, lowering his head to avoid her gaze. The grief and guilt was too much for him to handle, and adding the fact she appeared as a ghost right in front of him, was making it so much worse.
Evelynna sighed. Knowing how much of a burden she was for Till right now. It wasn't the first time. She knows that feeling all too well.
"Because...I missed you terribly. It was hurting me." she admitted. She was calm and composed while speaking. While Till, on the contrary..
"..And you think I DON'T miss you like hell to the point it HURTS ME!? WHAT are you doing here? Adding into the pain? HUH? TELL ME." he yelled at her, crying and sobbing uncontrollably.
This was nothing new between them, even if one of them is dead now. Their relationship wasn't stable all the time. Considering they grew up in an environment with no knowledge on human morals that were long-lost, with the Segyein abusing their human pets, they did not know any better. They only acted as they were taught. Acted from what was around them.
Till was a defiant kid which lead him to getting both mental and physical abuse, by his guardian, Urak. In result of that, he can't be open about his feelings, and is aggressive when it comes to authority and being pushed. He was seperated from his mother at an early age, not getting any genuine love anymore after Till was transferred to ANAKT garden. His aggression and tendency to push away people was a direct response to the harsh abuse he endured. He was afraid of being abandoned. And his reactions were always intense and harsh.
Evelynna was sitting here. Speechless. She was trying to hold her own cries. Till's reaction was affecting her. And it somehow always did, from the start.
Evelynna was a sensitive kid, who would react strongly to rejection. She'd cry, throw punches at Till and not talk until her mood changed. Her reactions, like Till's, were as intense and harsh, if not more. She couldn't handle rejection of what she asks for : love. She was born in the Human Modification Center, abandoned in the slums, and found by a drug seller who viewed her as his daughter, and cared for her as one. Evelynna was seperated from her adoptive father early too, but at slightly older age than Till being seperated from his mother. Evelynna remembers his face, and remembers getting care and love way more clearly. But in the hands of her guardian, Chel, deep care and love was long forgotten. She'd be manipulated, mentally and physically. To the point her beliefs about receiving love from people shifted completely.
No matter what, she always felt like a burden.
Till's and Evelynna's personalities, shaped by their life circumstances, didn't mix well. Till was not great at his feelings, despite feeling a longing for Evelynna since childhood years. They were lovey dovey with each other, having fun and playing games, but at times, when the mood was not right, they'd get into fights. Evelynna's constant need for validation and Till's emotional unavailability would clash with each other, making Evelynna perceive it as "rejection" and make a scene by fighting, yelling, and throwing punches with him. They wouldn't talk to each other for a while, then make up and play together again. This was all an endless cycle in their relationship.
Till stopped crying. And the natural defensiveness came to surface. "Are you going to just stand there!?" Till scoffed. He knew this was his natural reaction, but the reality was, ever since Evelynna died when losing their round, he had a huge guilt growing in him. The guilty of feeling like he didn't love her enough like she did.
He loved her. He really did. But his fear of abandonment and further hurt was always there. He didn't mean to push her away like he did all the time. But he couldn't help it.
Evelynna let out a sigh, trying to stay collected. She was clearly tired of reacting strongly to his rejection, and she kept her cool, as the time of the afterlife was a time for rest. Evelynna approached, treading carefully. "..I wish you gave time for me to explain myself more than immediately screaming at me." She said. But it was ironic. Very ironic. "Yeah, you're one to talk. Your screaming was so much louder than mine. And you never let me explain myself either." he bit back, clearly annoyed. "Let's not fight now. It's not the right time." she replied calmly, not wanting to cause any more distress, despite knowing he was right about what he said.
"Let's not fight now. It's not the right time." A phrase that was repeatedly said between them through their life. Either to avoid conflict before it actually happened, or to make up momentarily.
"That's what we always told to each other. And our fights never actually stopped. Never..." Till's voice was almost breaking. The guilt was getting into him. Even more than ever before. "You..you always stayed. Despite how much I defended myself. I was a fool. How.. How much of a fool was I? Pushing you away like this.." Till was starting to break down completely. Sobbing quietly, the tears were falling down nonstop. "I.. I should've been the one with the lower score... Or we should've escaped to join the Rebellion together in the first place.." he kept crying. His guilt was taking over his mind.
Evelynna hated to see him like this. She had died thinking only her death could impact Till the most. She had died thinking she'd only feel his love this way. Even if she knew they loved each other, she always felt like a burden. Always. And now? Till survived with the guilt that he didn't love her enough when he thought he did. Both of them had unresolved issues. And they couldn't do much.
And as they grew older, and confessed to each other, that would become worse. More fights, more mood swings, more make ups.. The effect of the abuse they were going through was becoming more prominent. It was beyond repair.
At the time both of them graduated the 50th ANAKT garden, that's when things started to soften up between them a bit. The love confession was around that time. Because they knew that entering this survival singing competition would mean either one of them would die. And they cared too much about each other, so they tried to make the most of the time they had. They were still very unstable with each other, that was de facto. But a sense of vulnerability started growing between them at the time of their adulthood.
A strong love full of instability. They hurted each other, but still stayed and adored each other. That's why their love was so strong.
"I'm sorry.. I'm sorry for causing you so much pain. I..oh goodness.." Evelynna didn't know what to do. He was crying, because of her.
"Always a burden to his soul. That's what I am." Evelynna blamed herself in her thoughts.
"Kiss me... I know it won't ever be the same. But kiss me. I want to feel you. Please just..kiss me." Till pleaded through his tears, begging to feel his love's lips on his again. It'll never be like kissing her normally, feeling her alive body.. But it was better than nothing.
Evelynna approached him, coming closer to his face. She gave him a deep kiss that he reciprocated. Till's one hand was on her cheek, and the other around her waist. And oh how she loved it when he has his hand around her waist. It made her miss him even more. As they pulled away from the kiss, they looked at each other for a moment, noticing each other's tears in their eyes. It was a really vulnerable moment between them, just like many other ones they spent together..
"Remember our first time..?" Evelynna asked, reminiscing about that beautiful night that was full of highs and lows. "How could I forget? It was wonderful.." Till responded. He remembered the scene so clearly.
The night before they entered the Alien Stage competition, was vulnerable, passionate, and full of mixed emotions. It all started with a heated argument, a sudden shift in their moods. Evelynna was feeling invalidated, rejected, unloved. Till felt defensive, scared and guilty. They fought each other both mentally and physically. But once things started to calm down, they approached each other again, their expressions full of regret. It was really vulnerable, the way they looked at each other. They saw that maybe, they needed to connect again in a better way. One that would ease the atmosphere even more. He had touched her so tenderly, so lovingly. It contrasted his usual defense mechanism and aggression. The way she was gasping for air, crying from the pleasure.. It was something he has never experienced before, it was otherworldly. The sheets were tangled, their bodies connected, and the deep love between them visible by the way their bodies moved and their breaths hitched. Till knew he loved her so much and cared about her, just like she did. He just wished he could show it to her properly. Without avoiding his own feelings.
Till remembers every single memory with Evelynna. And it hurts to remember holding her dead body in his arms right after she got shot. He remembers how he used his sleeves to wipe off the blood from her cold skin. He remembers her last words before they dragged him away from her.
"I'm sorry for adding irrelevant colors to your beautiful art piece..."
"Evelynna..What did you mean back then?" he asked her through his sobs, wondering what could be the meaning behind her words. "What was the reason for your last words that night??" Evelynna froze. His question caused her to get even more emotionally overwhelmed, but she had to stay calm and tell him the truth.
"I felt like a burden to you throughout our life. I felt like you didn't love me. That your aggression meant that you hated me. With all your being..So I died. Maybe that would bring you to fully love me."
Till froze. He couldn't believe what he was hearing from her.
How was it possible for him to NOT love her? He had so many sketchbooks full of drawings of her. Full notebooks with song lyrics about her. Every time another child picked on her, he always defended her by picking up a fight. Every time they attempted to escape, he'd always make sure her safety is a priority. He always stayed with her even through their instabilities. He held her dead body in his arms and wiped off the running blood from her face. He had so much love for her. And now she's telling him this?
"What do you mean? Evelynna.. I.." he was almost breaking down. He was still processing her words. "Of course I loved you. I always did." he said, his voice a bit shaky.
"I did SO much for you the entire time.. Oh goodness.. Why couldn't you see it!?" he said sharply, enraged by how "ungrateful" she was.
Truth is, the time when they were kids, he would return the same energy to her a lot. He wasn't innocent either, always defensive and violent whenever she got emotional, specifically angry and just as aggressive with him.
Evelynna was not "ungrateful" nor was she "unloved". Till was not "unloving". This was all a misunderstanding between them. This relationship of theirs was beyond complicated.
Evelynna rushed to Till's arms, crying by the whole situation yet seeking his comfort. Till's first instinct was to push her away, but he didn't. That was his lover, why would he do that? Even if this moment was painful, he still held her close, resting his head on top of hers.
"I'm sorry.. I'm so fucking sorry for making you feel this way. I thought my actions were enough. That whatever I did for you..was for my love for you. I should've done so much more.." he sobbed, his tears falling down.
"No, no.. Stop. I should've appreciated it. I always reacted so...violently when I didn't get what I wanted right at the moment. Love is still love, even when the display of it changes through the days.." Evelynna cried, looking up at him with teary eyes.
"Everything is already too much, for both you and me. Let's just hold each other. Please, I want to rest" Till begged, still holding Evelynna in his arms.
Evelynna nodded, agreeing that they both needed a moment of silence. It was necessary.
"You were the most relevant, most necessary color in my art pieces, Evelynna.." Till said quietly, his hand caressing her back.
Evelynna smiled. Even if she would still feel like a burden, her worries were pushed away from her mind right now, just enjoying the embrace from the man she loved.
They stayed like this the entire night. Till was sleeping peacefully, and Evelynna was with him in his arms, watching over him with love in her eyes.
The morning sun was rising, and Evelynna wasn't in Till's arms anymore. Spirits only appear between the hours of 12am and 6am. So now, Evelynna had to go. She'd visit him again next time at midnight.
Till stirred, waking up slowly. He realized that Evelynna wasn't in his arms anymore, which made him feel sad and empty. He wondered if she'll appear again. Maybe, just maybe, he'll get to hold her again tonight. Even if it's just her spirit.
Till sighed.
"At 12. I'll wait for her."