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December 3rd is not your birthday. It is Dave and Dirk's, and arguably Hal’s, Shine’s, and Brobot’s, but it is certainly not yours.
You came online for testing April 10th, 2421, then sent back in time where you lived for much, much longer. It doesn’t seem that way to an outside observer, however, as you currently have the appearance of a young Dirk Strider with the addition of robotic rabbit ears.
Your life has been full of patronizing assumptions ever since you woke up in a squishy, mortal vessel 5000 years into Earth C’s history. People assume that you aren’t listening because you don’t respond, that you can’t understand because you look youthful, that you can be picked up at any time because you’re so short, etcetera, etcetera. A horrible prank has been pulled on you; granted a form with more autonomy only for those around you to snatch it away just as quick.
But that’s not the main issue that’s got your wires in a twist.
They are all turning seventeen today. Apparently, you only get to turn seven.
—
The morning started like any other in the Crocker household, with you being the first to wake. You have no difficulty abandoning your cozy nest when there are so many other things to occupy your time. Breakfast was the last bit of leftover cake from the Harley-English birthday celebration, eaten in secrecy because the head of the house does not agree with your dietary choices.
You knew something was happening today; you’d have to be an idiot to forget what day is Dirk’s birthday. Being dragged out to a gazebo next to a random skate park was only surprising in the reveal of the location. As expected, every being you know on this planet was in attendance, and you had assumed you were just part of the crowd as well.
While most of the guests just conversated with each other in the nice weather, the Striders took advantage of the main attraction of this venue. At first, you stayed on the sidelines with Shine to encourage your brothers and their handful of more adventurous friends (Terezi, Jade, Vriska, and Roxy). Just watching them makes your legs itch to join.
Dave and Dirk took to the bowl with relative ease, only taking a few falls as expected. Despite Dirk’s experience with his hoverboard, Brobot was actually the one taking the spotlight with more extreme tricks. As for the last Strider… Hal immediately ate concrete the second he kicked off his board. He traded in his wheels for your spot on the bench, which you eagerly took for a spin alongside your brothers prime.
The bowl eventually got repetitive, prompting you to join Brobot on the stairrails. You massively wiped out after one attempt despite multiple warnings. Your metal ears survived the crash landing, but you can’t say the same for your dull chompers. Jane took care of it, but made you sit back after that. Even tough bunnies respect the wishes of their best friends.
Everyone was gathered back around the shaded table once stomachs started rumbling. Without nearly enough seating for everybody’s behinds, six spots were suspiciously reserved for the guests of honor.
—
A candle-topped slice of marble cake sits before you at the mercy of your penetrating glare. Its size isn’t the issue, nor the flavor. It is but an innocent victim here. You would be staring down an actual person if you could determine who is at fault for this offence. You also would be devouring this confection if you weren’t forced to be polite and listen to twenty-some people sing at varying skill levels.
As many past, future, and troll references the entire party can remember are tacked on to the end of the song. It’s as if this outing was specifically designed to test the limits of your patience.
“Dave, you won’t even like my cake,” you hear Dirk from across the table.
Glancing up, you can see Dave’s arm trapped in Dirk’s grip just before he had the chance to steal a bite of orange cake.
“Can’t a guy be curious once in a while? Maybe I do want to compare apples to oranges this time. You know, you couldn’t pick two fruits who had more in common. It's like whoever coined that phrase didn’t have anything else on his mind. It’s like me saying I’m comparing dicks and cocks. Let me see how apple dick compares to orange cock, bro,” Dave whines, trying to wriggle his hand free, “I’ll even let you take a bite of mine!”
“Not interested,” Dirk shoves Dave’s hand back in front of his own cake.
Hal takes this opportunity to snake his fork in from the other side of Dirk. He’s met with a fist to the face before he can grab so much as a crumb. You’re just barely tempted to smile as, on the other side of Dave, Vriska and Terezi laugh at his overly dramatic reaction.
Shine nudges you from the side, a cheeky smirk on his face, “This is why you don’t put all of us in one room.”
“I can’t turn my back on you two for a second!” Jane scoffs from behind you.
She makes her way around the table to tend to the bruise that’s forming on Hal’s cheek. He hesitantly leans into her touch.
“What did you do this time, Hal?” she asks, the bruise already disappearing from under her sparkling blue fingers.
Hal pulls away and side-eyes Dirk, “He wasn’t sharing.”
“You’re just being an ass. The entire rest of the cake is right there,” Dirk, exasperated, gestures to the middle of the table.
“I’m starting to think you’re lying about your age, Hal,” Jane chuckles.
Hal places the back of his hand on his forehead in an expression of distress, “I would never falsify such claims!”
“Then knock it off!” she lightly whacks him in the shoulder and returns to the conversation she was having on the other side of the table.
With a huff, he takes to eating the slice in front of him. With the tension between splinters dissolving, you return your attention to your plate as well.
Fork in hand as your steadfast weapon, you take the first bite of frosting and cake. Its moist texture and rich combination of flavor immediately starts melting your icy attitude. Jane’s baking will never lose its power over your heart.
You try to savor each bite of alternating vanilla and chocolate until you reach the center, in which the next portion you grab would destroy the platform of your unlit candle. Well, it was placed on your cake. You might as well give it a taste, too.
“Hey,” Shine gets your attention as you nibble on the flat end of the candle, “You can’t eat wax, little bro.”
You furrow your brow, but slowly remove the stick from your teeth and place it to the side on your plate. Shine then gives an aggressive look beyond you, and you follow his gaze to the fellow clone in the next seat, who also has a candle in his mouth.
“Brobot. Dude,” Shine scolds, causing him to startle and bite down on his piece of wax, swallowing as he peers over with wide eyes.
You really like Brobot, but sometimes he reminds you more of a dog than a person.
The other three brothers noticed the exchange, and those who are inclined to burst out laughing. Shine just sighs heavily and continues to poke at his cake. You shrug at Brobot and also return to finish your dessert. From the corner of your eye, you watch him inspect his candle one last time before setting it down.
—
The mood relaxes once everyone is full of cake. Your splinters hold an invigorating conversation about mortality while Dave and Shine talk about lower stakes topics with their respective troll friends. Around the table, it sounds like the growing murmur of any other small talk one could have. Excluding yourself from any of these conversations prevents it all from frying your brain.
Somebody speaks up and the crowd splits little by little, revealing a path for one Roxy Lalonde (with her dear Calliope following close as always), whose hands are full of small gift bags. Despite the many voices of protest, she confidently places a bag in front of each Strider.
“I know you guys said not to bring anything, but what’s a wriggling day without presents!” she beams.
“Roxy,” Dirk starts, moving to look her in the eye, “You shouldn’t–”
“Nuh uh,” Dave interrupts, then faces Roxy, “I know you know better than I do how far this guy has a stick up his ass. I’m sure it’s been there ever since he crawled out of his test tube, definitely not crying cause he’s so obsessed with being a stone-faced motherfucker who’s incapable of shaping his lips into anything that doesn’t resemble douchebaggery. I doubt he ever learned what a real birthday party is like the lonesome motherfucker he is.”
“Doesn’t he know humility is so human gay?” Vriska snarks from her end of the table.
“...What?” Dirk squints over at her.
Shine speaks over the argument, “Thanks, Roxy.”
Roxy blows a raspberry, then responds with a bit of a goofy tone, “You’re welcome, Shine.”
“Really though, Roxy, it’s not that kind of party,” Hal gives her a half shrug.
“They’re small, okay! I just got itty bitty presents! And they’re so adorable that even the grouchiest grump will love ‘em!” she pleads.
That seems to have convinced the naysayers because everyone but you starts digging into their crinkly paper. You, however, reach out and topple over your bag. You have no desire for birthday presents on a day that is not your own.
Dave is the first to uncover his gift, revealing a small and floppy stuffed tiger. He directs his compliments to anyone he can look at. In unison, Dirk and Hal retrieve a miniature horse and coyote, respectively. Dirk silently evaluates the craftsmanship of his plush while Hal does so out loud, directed at Dave despite being two chairs away. Brobot’s gift is a limp-legged frog.
Next to you, Shine pulls out a small back bird, which he quickly adjusts his hands to cushion underneath as if it were real. He offers it for you to look at as well. You hesitantly stroke its tiny head, noting the soft synthetic fur.
“It’s not feathers…” you mumble as you pull your hand away and look up to meet Shine’s glasses.
He gives you a strange look, “Yeah, I guess not. Never really thought that hard about the realism in my stuffed animals. I just think it’s good enough if it’s vaguely the right shape.”
You shrug and let your attention wander around the table. You see how Roxy’s bright smile falters when she notices you haven’t opened your gift. She crouches down beside you to look you right in the eye.
“Why haven’tcha opened your pressie, Seb? It’s a whole Strider-shebang today, which last I checked includes you!” she says enthusiastically.
You pull back your ears and shake your head at her.
“Be a good sport, Seb!” Jane’s voice grabs your attention from across the table.
“Yeah! Don’t you want to have a good seventh birthday?” Jade cheers next to her.
“I am not seven,” you tell her with all the seriousness you can muster out of this tiny voice, “I am five billion years old.”
Those in the immediate vicinity go deathly quiet.
The tension waivers after a second. Both Dave and Shine mumble “what the fuck” in unison. Dirk clears his throat as if something might escape it, but is left with his lips parted in silence. You’re just glad they’re finally listening, even if the information isn’t very shocking to you.
“Wellll,” Roxy finally speaks up, “Even seniors get bday presents!”
You just stare at her splayed hands.
“Come on, I just know you're gonna love it! Stuffies aren’t just for kids, you know,” she reaches over you to set your gift back upright, then makes a show of wiggling her fingers like confetti falling around a grand prize.
Reluctantly, you take the bag and set it in your lap, trying to stall by just moving the tissue paper around.
“This’ll make your five-billionth even better, I promise!” Roxy’s grin somehow stretches even wider.
You give a short exhale as you surrender to her request, but not before quietly correcting her, “I was not created today, either.”
She sticks her tongue at you, “You Striders get so hung up on the details.”
Reaching your whole arm into the bag, you are met with your own soft, synthetic creature. Whatever appendages it has tickle the ends of your fingers as you drag it up. From its multi-colored prison you release… A grey stuffed rabbit.
Of course it’s a rabbit. All it takes is one look at you to know they’re your favorite animal. But the gift holds tremendous weight nonetheless. The small plush has long floppy ears, dainty paws, and a white underbelly. It reminds you of your old form in the way it permanently sits on its hind legs. It’s perfect.
You slowly peel your gaze off of the gift to look back at Roxy. She gives an enthusiastic nod as if to ask your opinion. You lunge forward and wrap your arms around her neck, making sure your ears don’t bump into anything as you nuzzle into her shoulder. She hugs you back and lifts you up with a twirl.
“You’re welcome!” she giggles into your ear before setting you down.
Your continued observation of the plush is interrupted by Roxy speaking to the entire table while gesturing dramatically, “Why can’t you guys be more like Seb? I haven’t heard a ‘thank you’ from some people’s mouths. Have I desensitized you to my generosity and love???”
An awkward chorus of “thank you” “thanks” and “gratitude” comes from the teens at the table. Roxy takes a dramatic bow once they're done.
Calliope takes her turn to speak, “Not to move on so quickly, but Sebastian brings up a good point! We might have more than just his birthday mixed up.”
“Agreement. My unit came online when assembled by the target for his celebration,” Brobot monotones.
“Who’s the… Are you talking about Jake?” Roxy gives Dirk an intense stare, “He seriously shares his birthday with Jake?”
“Like he said, I made him as a gift. I couldn’t have predicted this happening four years later,” Dirk defends.
Jadebot comes over, tripping on the table legs as she moves to stand behind Brobot, “I also do not share my date of creation with my origin.”
Roxy nods at her, then turns her attention to the rest of the crowd, “Anyone else wanna tell us their birthday so we don’t do this again?”
A couple of shrugs from the crowd, but no more responses. You look over to Hal who’s trying to not let the attention get to him.
He finally scoffs, “I’d actually prefer being a sagittarius, thanks. Gotta represent the head horse, my main man, my ride or die, the sweat to my towel, the glup to my shitto–”
“We get it,” Dirk cuts him off.
Next to him, Dave points his fork over at Shine, “So, do you wanna go forward or back four months?”
“Dude,” Shine says, offended, “This is the first birthday I’ve had in a long time that isn’t on borrowed time. I’m keeping the fucking date.”
“Goddamn. Smooth your feathers, bro. I can share a birthday. It's not my first day in kindergarten, I learned the golden rule and shit,” Dave surrenders, dropping his fork before standing up to stretch, “Now if we’re done hashing out our birth complaints, I’m gonna get back to my psychidella-wicked ‘boarding. You guys’ve barely seen my warmups, and Dave Strider has a lot more secrets up his torn but totally cool sleeve.”
Your ears perk up. More skateboarding sounds like a lot more fun than hanging with a crowd who only wants to talk.
“Like you aren’t just making shit up on the spot, dude,” Shine retorts while also getting up to spread his wings.
As your other brothers and their friends start making their way to the main park, you take a second to prop your stuffed rabbit in a polite pose on the table by your empty plate. Just before you leave, Jane calls your name.
“Don’t take anymore falls, okay?” she places her hands on her hips.
You give her two thumbs up and scamper away to have some dumb fun with more brothers than you could have dreamed of. And to think, you won’t have a repeat of that existential bullshit next year!
