Work Text:
wherever you're going, you are still gonna be there
Lovro couldn’t stop staring at the ceiling, thinking about how the white paint started to peel off and slowly revealed what was beneath the surface all this time.
When he was younger and his parents fought all day long, he often had locked himself into his room and laid on his small bed, motionless, deeply immersed in his own world, staring at the ceiling. Sometimes he could still feel it in his bones, how lonely he had been, how he had known deep down, that whenever his parents looked at him, they were reminded of their failed marriage, a love that no longer existed.
Lovro was the constant reminder of their biggest failure.
His tiny room, had always been his only refuge, especially when his father was once again consumed by rage. He could still hear his furious screams ringing in his ears. The bruises had faded but sometimes he could swear he still felt them on his skin.
Completely lost in his thoughts Lovro didn’t even realize how deep he dug his nails into his palms.
These thoughts in his head just wouldn’t go away, he tried everything to get rid of them, but nothing had worked.
Deep down he wished he could run away from himself, from his thoughts, from his fears, from everything that made him lie awake in the middle of the night.
All of a sudden he felt a gentle touch on his skin, fingers tracing the moles splattered on his arms. „Lovro”, Ivan’s deep voice pulled him back into reality. “
„Is everything alright?”, he asked with a worried tone, he couldn’t hide. „Yes everything’s fine”, Lovro whispered.
And it truly wasn’t a lie, because in a way, everything was genuinely fine, even better than fine, he finally lived the life, he always dreamed of.
Everything was perfect.
He had a great relationship, great friendships, finally a kind of good connection to his mother, a good paying part time job and he studied something important to him.
The circumstances were better than ever before, but that made him even more desperate. If the circumstances were perfect and he still felt the way he did, there only could be one solution.
He was the problem.
Wherever he would go, whatever he would do, he was still going to be there, he couldn’t escape himself.
Lovro felt his fingernails digging even further into his skin. Something about this stinging pain finally made him feel some sort of relief, even if it was only for a second.
Suddenly Ivans voice pulled him back again „Lovro, what the hell? Apparently nothing is alright.”
He turned the light on and took Lovros palm into his own „Can’t you see that you’re bleeding?”, sounding even more worried.
But his boyfriend didn’t say a word, still laying on the ridiculously small bad with his gaze fixated on the ceiling.
„Lovro, could you please answer me or atleast look at me.” he pleaded.
Finally Lovro straightened up and stammered „I don’t know.“ Still avoiding Ivan’s gaze, he started to bounce his legs, „I don’t know what’s wrong with me.“
Ivan felt his heart aching, searching for the right words to say. „There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.“, gently pulling his partner closer.
„It’s just..“ his voice broke „Sometimes I think I genuinely deserved it.“
„What did you deserve?“, Ivan asked concerned, his big brown eyes fully focused on lovro.
„When my father hit me. Maybe he was right about me this whole time. I‘m weak and I‘m ungrateful and..“, he whispered so softly, he hardly heard him.
These words felt like a stab in Ivan’s heart, he had already suspected that lovros father was abusive, by the way he flinched in arguments and only spoke seldom of him. But this confirmation made him shiver, he didn’t even want to imagine how helpless he must have felt as child.
Ivan gently took his hand and traced the marks his nails left „Lovro, I don’t know where this is coming from, but I can say with all confidence in this world that you didn’t deserve any of the things that you’ve had to put up with. And you’re neither weak nor ungrateful, I can’t grasp how you can speak so badly of yourself.“
Lovro tried to hold back his tears, tried to calm down. He didn’t know what had him so worked up in the middle of the night. His heart was racing and he felt like all of a sudden there was no air in the room left to breathe, his hands felt numb and tingling. The tightness in his throat made him feel even more uneasy, while is vision started to blur more and more.
Now he really just wanted to run, run away from this talk, run away from his desperate self.
But Ivan registered his urge to flee the situation as well and tenderly stroked his hair. „Do you want me to hold you?“, he asked tenderly, „We don’t have to talk right now, we have all the time in the world.“
Ivan’s words calmed him down a little bit.
His whole life he felt like he had to swallow down his feelings, bottle them up, keep them to himself. He didn’t want to shut himself off anymore, but it was so hard to be vulnerable. Jakovs words calling him cold, rang in his ears.
Lovro collapsed into Ivan’s arms, clinging onto the fabric of his pyjama. He felt pathetic.
Like a little child.
„It’s okay. You don’t have to hold back.", Ivan spoke softly, pressing a kiss on his forehead „I‘ve got you. You’re safe.“
Ivan’s words were his last straw, he just couldn’t take it anymore,the tears started to stream down his cheeks. The dam finally broke, he sobbed like he never did before, letting it all out. His whole body was shaking, gasping for air, clutching at Ivan’s frame.
It felt like years had gone by til Lovro stopped crying, his face completely red, eyes swollen and his nose still running.
Ivan tenderly let him go and tried to lighten up the mood by saying „Wow you really look completely wrecked.“ Even Lovro had to smile at that stupid comment, „But still very much beautiful.“, he completed his statement, which made him smile even more.
„Do you maybe want to tell me now what’s bothering you this badly in the middle of the night?“ Ivan asked carefully. „But we also don’t have to talk right now if you don’t want to.“
Lovro was still overwhelmed by his sudden emotional breakdown and tried to sort his thoughts.
Firstly he grabbed a pack of tissues that laid on his desk and attempted to get rid of all the mess on his face. Atleast he looked now like a normal human being again.
Hesitantly he tried to find the rights words „ I genuinely don’t know what has gotten into me tonight. It’s just… in away everything is so perfect at the moment. But I still feel so out of place and down most of the times. And I cannot shake the feeling off that something is wrong with me. That I can never escape myself. Maybe I just hate myself… I don’t know. Sometimes I wish I could be someone else. I’m so sick of being constantly trapped in this stupid brain and body. I wish I could get out.“, lovro felt like his words didn’t describe well enough how he really felt but it also seemed like words could never truly express his thoughts and emotions.
At first Ivan didn’t know what to say, he wasn’t used to lovro being this open about his feelings. But at the same time he was also kind of happy that he confided in him, that he trusted him so much that he let his guard down.
„Thank you for telling me. I know how hard this is for you.“, he said fondly, kissing him on his cheek. „But no offense, you kind of sound like me a few months ago.“
„What are you even talking about?“, lovro asked with genuine curiosity in his voice. „Lovro, did you really never think about this before? I don’t want you to take this the wrong way. But you always seemed a little bit depressed to me. I just didn’t want to play psychologist and tell you what you feel because I genuinely hate it when people do it to me. Your mom always laughs it off and says you’re just messy and lazy but maybe there’s a reason behind it? Everything you just told me resembles the kind of thoughts I have when I‘m in the depths of my depressive episodes. Do you understand what I mean?“, Ivan tried to explain his assumptions. „And I know life’s not been exactly easy on you. Everything that happened in your childhood, which you probably only told me a tiny part of. And I know that it was extremely hard after the divorce, you had to play a role in your mothers life which wasn’t yours to play. Also the last year hasn’t been exactly easy either, or?“
Lovro swallowed, his head hurt from all the thinking and sobbing „It’s not that I never thought about it, I mean take a look at my mother she’s not exactly mentally well either.“, he laughed. Ivan was relieved that he could laugh about this tense situation. „I guess I just always thought I‘m overdramatic and pathetic.“, he said, now more serious. „You have such a warped perception of yourself.“, Ivan said affectionately, cupping lovros face in his hands, „I wish you could see yourself just once throughout my eyes.“
„You’re so cheesy.“, Lovro whispered with a smile lingering on his lips „And what should I do now?“ His eyes searching for answers in Ivan’s big brown eyes. „Maybe it would not be a bad idea to talk to a psychologist? I don’t know for sure either. But I‘ll be by your side either way, like you stayed by mine through every single one of my highs and lows.“
Lovro looked genuinely touched by his words, tears glistening in his eyes again.
„So is this now a mentally ill 4 mentally ill relationship?“, he asked trying to laugh it off.
Ivan played a long saying „Maybe.“, and kissed him afterwards.
Lovro repeated tenderly, „Maybe.“